Did I miss the boat for getting back on the horse?

It's been a LONG time since I've had sex, I'm pretty sure it's over five years now, the last person I slept with was Knight in Shining Leathers, it was the night that I realised that my feelings had changed from something that ranged between friendship and more to just friendship. It was disappointing (not the sex, that was always good) 

I have seen him twice this year though and have to say that I doubted that decision when he nearly kissed me the first time but the second time I knew it was the right decision (wine might have been involved on the first occasion!)

Since him the only person I've really dated to the point of sex is Cat Lover and he had some real issues, he was never able to get and/or keep an erection, which in turn made me feel like I was a terrible person and I couldn't do anything right and wasn't attractive enough for him to get excited over, not good enough for him, I know you shouldn't feel that but it doesn't mean you don't. 

It caused a lot of turmoil in the six months that we were together, I should have really called it a day but we'd already been together for a few months before anything sexual was initiated (I know, I know I should have guessed there was something up) 

It wasn't until we split up that I broached the subject and he said that the problem wasn't only with me, it had happened before, why the bloody hell didn't he tell me that? I wish he'd told me. 

I remember discussing it with a male friend after who said that I shouldn't get wound up about it, by the end of our relationship I'd put off any signs of trying as I just couldn't face the feeling of rejection when it didn't happen (it never happened successfully)

We went away one weekend to a stunning hotel, we were in the honeymoon suite for the weekend, I was nearly in tears at breakfast because I was so upset about what was happening, all of the way home I was going to tell him it wasn't working but the words just wouldn't come out. My friends that knew told me to bin it, it was his issue, not mine but I don't think that stops you beating yourself up over it. 

I know it was no one's fault but I think I could have been saved a lot of anxiety if he'd told me, maybe after the first time?

We're now two years later and all I've done is a few first dates and one second, I'm not totally convinced I'm not too scared to get involved with anyone because the thought of getting sexually involved with someone terrifies me currently and it's taken me a while to realise that could be an issue.

We've also got the XBFX - we've got to not far off sex but it's still not happened (yet?) I wind myself up with anxiety over it, what if it doesn't work, what if it is me? What if I can't remember what to do? Am I past relationships and sex? Have I been on my own for too long?

Should I have slept with someone as soon as Cat Lover and I split? If I got bitten by a dog I'd still stroke another dog and when I've come off a horse I've made myself get back on, they say if you don't you never will.......

I'm now wondering if it's why I've done such a good job of putting off dating? Relationships are always better in my head than they are in reality. 

I'm an amazing over thinker............

My Knight in Shining Leathers…………….

Walked into my life on a Saturday night in May 2010.

I’d called time on my big love on Valentines Day and was totally broken, despite living in the village since 2006 it was my first night out locally since I’d arrived here three years before and I was out for a neighbours birthday, who had not far off dragged me out kicking and screaming, I’d already been over to my home town for a night out and been out with friends but was suffering quite badly with depression and anxiety so something new was just a whole lot of stress. 

We had a few to drink at hers first before venturing out, I had no idea where we were, it was all back lanes and little paths through the wood, we arrived at the local football club, where a band were playing, it turned out to be a good night of drinking, dancing and laughter.

Then this guy came up to me and said ‘I’m sure I know you from somewhere’ to which I replied ‘I doubt that, I’m not from around here’ I can clearly remember looking around the room and trying to work out why he was talking to me, he was GORGEOUS, a year older than me, 6’2, brown eyed, brown hair, classically handsome, nice shoulders, good body, lovely to talk to.

I had come out of a relationship after five years with an emotional bully, he told me I was fat (but when I later found out he has slept with someone else she was much bigger than me and he married her, go figure) and all sorts of other damning things that had completely destroyed my confidence over the years so I genuinely couldn’t understand why this gorgeous man was talking to me when we were in a room full of people.

Before the end of the night the friend I was out with did a disappearing act, which I learned later was pretty normal for her, he knew where she lived as everyone knows each other here so he said he would walk home with me as he was only in the next street and a few houses away.

He walked me home and came in for tea, the flirting continued which led to lots of rather unexpected and great sex, he spent the night telling me I was beautiful, amazing and all of the nice things that a girl could expect to hear, when we weren’t having sex he spent his time cuddling me and it was a good 12 hours before he said he’d better head home, he kissed me goodbye and left.

And that was it until a couple of weeks later I walked into the local pub and there he was, without the alcohol I’d had to drink last time, he was; if anything more gorgeous than I remembered, as soon as he saw me he came and gave me a kiss and hug like we’d known each other forever which was rather unexpected, my neighbour was quite surprised that she had witnessed that as he is ‘not like that with anyone' and she’d known him since he was a kid.

He walked me home that night too but we did actually sit and talk this time, I knew that a girl from the village had recently died of an overdose, what I didn’t know until then was that it was his ex girlfriend and someone that despite her being an ex he cared for her, he talked and I listened, eventually we ended up in bed again, more great sex, compliments, cuddles, again it was the middle of the day before he left with a kiss goodbye.

This happened a few times over the passing months, I wasn’t ready for anything more and neither was he but we had such a lovely, easy ‘relationship’ at times we came home together, other times we didn’t but he was always the same, each time I saw him I got the same greeting and we always talked, other times we would come home together, we’d talk, end up in bed, he’d kiss me goodbye at some point the next day, if you were ever going to have a friends with benefits, this was definitely the way to do it.

At some point during this time we became friends on Facebook and through that discovered that we were both movie lovers, he messaged me saying he had a great movie that I ought to see, he then brought it round, we watched it together and ended up in bed, every time he had something he thought I’d like he’d arrive on my doorstep, sometimes he’d stay and watch it with me, other times he’d just drop it off and leave, I’d messaged saying I’d watched it, discuss the movie and then he’d come and replace it with something else, his taste in movies was impeccable, off the wall and he never failed to bring something that I didn’t love.

On one of these occasions he arrived on his bike; in his leathers which is where his name comes from, leathers can look good or bad on a man but a man with an incredible body in leathers is really quite a sight and he didn’t disappoint, that may have been an occasion where I was disappointed that he didn’t come in!

I loved how easy things were between us, no matter how long it was since we’d seen each other it was never any different, we sometimes exchanged messages between, we sometimes didn’t, there was never any expectation and I liked that, I think he did too but also there was never that empty feeling that I have found can come with sex but it wasn’t just sex.

Christmas that year he turned up on my doorstep, he was upset as his Gran had died, he said that I was the one person he could talk to and it never mattered what he said, I thought that was rather lovely, I comforted him, we talked things through and he stayed.

We have confided in each other about all sorts of things over the years, it was me he turned to when he was having problems with his girlfriend and asked what he should do, when he was having family issues it was my door he knocked on, that’s not the only time he’s turned up though, his timing over the years has been impeccable, his ability to know I’m having a bad time and to arrive at my door with a great movie has always been incredible.

Over the years our ‘relationship’ has evolved into different things, there’s been sex, friendship, companionship, comfort, advice, sometimes all of those things have been together at other times independent of each other, over the years this has continued on and off, at one point I was seeing someone for about a year and he was too, though I don’t think at the same time, so during those times the sex stopped but we never did stop being friends, if he sees me now he’ll stop the car if he can so that we can chat.

I don’t honestly think that he would ever realise that he’s been a bit of a hero in my life, although I have told him in the past, he totally doesn’t get how important he was in that first year after the break up, it was incredibly hard for me and he was the one that scooped me up, told me how amazing I was and made me realise that there were not only good men out there but good men that were incredibly hot, he definitely set the bar for dating! He is the one that turned up through those early days when life was really shit, he’s the one that when someone in the village was bragging that they’d slept with me he unashamedly pulled them up on it (after checking with me that it wasn’t true) he is the person that I know wouldn’t be in a room if someone was slagging me off and not totally defend me.

The last time we slept together was about 18 months ago, it was the first time in a while and rather unexpected as I kind of thought we were ‘done’ with the whole sex thing, seems we weren’t, I felt a shift that night though, it didn’t quite feel the same for me, I just wasn’t as ‘into’ it as I had been before and in the morning when he suggested sex again I said I wasn’t feeling it (which he knew isn’t very like me) for the first time, he was totally cool with it though just as I would expect and I think that sadly because my head is out of having sex with him that will be the last time, shame as that might be, however I know that we will always be friends and would be there for each other at the drop of a hat.

I had never really believed that Friends With Benefits was a concept that could be successful before this and I’m still not sure that I believe there are many situations where it can work and not feel unfulfilling and empty but on this occasion it worked perfectly.

Although I myself forget this quite often, good men and superhero’s really do exist, sometimes they live just a few doors away and instead of a cape they wear bike leathers just like My Knight in Shining Leathers does.