Wednesday 26 March 2014

Laying your cards on the table.......

That's what my friend said I should do and I just can't stop thinking about it, I've only really opened up and laid my cards on the table to one person, one of the two 'big ones' and I can't see that I'll ever do it again after that experience.

I remember being at Becky Falls in Devon, it was a lovely dry Autumn day and we were away for a week, he was taking photos at the other side of the bridge, we walked towards each other and at that moment I knew it was love, I even opened my mouth to say it but the words stuck in my throat, maybe my mouth knew that if they came out on my disappointment would follow?

The next time was when were were going through a bad patch sometime later, we'd already been together a couple of years by this point and still no 'I love you' on either side, in the middle of an argument I asked him if he had ever loved me and he told me he didn't know if he was capable of live but I was as near as he'd come, is that enough?

The truth is no, those words ate at me for years and they still do to this day, close wasn't enough, I knew in my heart he didn't love me, I never felt loved, how did I waste so much of my life on him? I very stupidly loved him and my heart didn't want to let that go.

The third time was one Christmas, I wrote it in his card, it was reciprocated with a thank you for the card, they are the only times in my life I have laid my cards on the table and said I love you and meant it, am I keen to let someone make me feel like that again? No, I can't say I am.

Eventually after nearly 5 years I asked him to leave, I was getting to the point of wanting to settle down and I knew that with him I had no chance of that, it happened on a Monday evening when I got home from work, we talked the next day and said we'd have a couple of weeks break instead to see if we could work things out, I didn't contact him the whole time to see if we could clear our heads apart, we were due to meet on the Tuesday.

The whole time he was gone I missed him like crazy but I carried on, went to work and hardly a soul knew (incase we got back together) on the Friday before we were due to meet I text to say I'd missed him and that I hoped we could work things out.

I had an HTC diamond phone in those days and anyone that had one knows that they had a home key that if you had a message it used to light up a ring around the home key, my phone used to sit next to my laptop at work.

At 10 on Monday morning the day before we were due to meet the phone lit up, he'd have had no doubt of where I would be, I the office, an hour and a half away from home.

I opened the message to see a message saying that he'd missed me too but that we weren't going to work out long term, if he was ready to settle down it would be with me, I took myself into the toilet to try to compose myself, by the time I'd been gone about half hour someone came to look for me, I was a teary, broken mess and had to walk out in front of my staff like that and drive home in that state, my boss wasn't even going to let me drive but after feeding me tea and sympathy they let me go home.

He came to pick up his things the next day and I sobbed like a baby, I was totally broken, blacking out through stress and so helpless that I had to go and stay with my mum 40 miles away, if you knew the relationship my mum and I have you'd know that meant I was bad! I lost  two and a half stone in those first two weeks.

We were still Facebook friends and I tried to be dignified, until I found out he was seeing someone and she'd been to his family for dinner, two weeks after we split up, I felt totally betrayed by them all, his friend had also been seeing her previously and dumped her because he said she was mental.

On a Friday morning two weeks after that Monday I got the message I flipped, I told him that he was an emotional bully and that just because it didn't leave bruises he was no better than a wife beater, emotional scars run very deep. I also posted a status on Facebook saying 'I wonder if his best mate had finished pulling his trousers up before you stuck yours in' but it wasn't long before I'd deleted everyone we had in common.

The man that couldn't commit was married within the year, I saw the wedding photos and for all the times he called me fat I'm positively a supermodel in comparison!

I don't think I can lay my cards on the table, I still have the scars from the last time.


My Messy Little World.........

As I was walking to Uniform's yesterday to have a bath I noticed that the three people I've had 'things' with in the village and Uniform now all live in the same road, Quote Me Happy has moved in there this week, how on earth do I get myself into these things? All in one road, that's just silly!

Anyway Quote Me Happy saw me hobbling to Uniforms and asked what I'd done, ah it's a complicated old life we lead!

Had a lovely bath at Uniforms and told him that the cats and I had moved in, totally unfazed by it, quite annoying really.

I was telling a friend about it all last night, she thinks I should put my cards on the table before it's too late, I guess she's right in that you can't go back but in another way I think if it's meant to be it will be, I don't think I'm going to tell him anything really, I think I'm just going to leave things as they are, if I've cocked up again then that's that but Blue Eyes and I were friends at the start and that was all cocked up, I don't want to do it again, it's a small village when things go wrong and I don't want to lose friends over it.

I am off for another bath tonight though, I'm going to make the most of it while I can! :-)

Tuesday 25 March 2014

Oh what a few days........

It's been a busy few days here, the emails, texts and whatsapp messages have been flowing in and as per usual mostly not one's that would interest me.

Still hearing from the Space Cadet most days, I saw Uniform on Sunday, I'd been in the pub for the afternoon and not long before I was leaving he arrived, a comment had already been made in the afternoon by a friend but it was ignored, when he walked in one of the regulars asked if we'd fallen out as he didn't come straight up to me as usual and to be fair I did wonder if things were going to be awkward but as soon as he walked past he came and gave me a hug and joined us, he was driving so gave me a lift home but as usual that ended in 'have you eaten' and he made me dinner and a movie cuddled up on the sofa, it's weird, we are terribly comfortable together and I really enjoy spending time with him.

He's away with work for the week and has left me the keys so that I can have some baths this week bless him, the girlfriend is back Weds though and I'm really not totally sure how that will feel or be, we will see I guess.

Knight in Shining Leathers was also in the pub, when I mentioned him being dropped in it with the gf he just gave a big sigh and shrug, he's so much happier and more himself when she's not around, got a big hug and he gave me lots of abuse about the knee.

Yesterday was a bit of a day for me, I had a phone call yesterday asking if I'd do them a favour and pick something up for them, to which I said of course I would, it ended up that I had to meet one of the hottest men in motorsport to pick up his race kit, he is absolutely stunning and gorgeous and I've been waiting for quite literally months to meet him, I can honestly say I've had a huge smile on my face since I was asked to do it, helping out a friend made my day, I was told that I wasn't allowed to lock him in and keep him here but it was very tempting! His father is also one of the most famous men in motorsport, we'll call him Hotbike!!

Monday 17 March 2014

Quiet Times......

It's been very quiet here, partly because I can't go far due to the knee which is driving me nuts as I can't really do anything!

Still on POF and getting lots of messages but again no one that I really want to pursue further at the moment.

Not heard from Uniform apart from a text message last week (just the one after a 'Happy Birthday') but that's not unusual.

I'm going out with the Space Cadet to the Rugby on Wednesday, he's still around after all of this time, he's coming to collect me as I still can't drive, he's very sweet and I'm looking forward to getting out.

Monday 10 March 2014

Catching Up.......

All has been pretty quiet on the home front, I've managed to rip the ligaments in my knee which means I can't drive and can't get around which to be honest is a right pain!

I didn't go out for the whole of February, it's a pretty miserable month for me, I broke up with w@nk bag four years ago on V day and although it was one of the best things I ever did he was the only man I have ever actually loved and the weather is miserable, money is tight as winter is quiet in the industry I work in, etc, etc, whinge, moan, whinge!!!

Kept being told that Uniform keeps taking a woman up the pub but no one was sure if it was a GF or just a friend, I saw him out the week before last and it's the new GF.

I had to be fair played totally hard to get as I didn't know if (and still don't if I'm being honest) I liked him as a friend or more, we get on great but is that enough, what if I like him but don't fancy the pants off him?

Anyway back to the story at hand, I saw him on the Friday at the pub, normally he walks me home but I got a lift as I wasn't drinking and left before closing (strange I know!) I went out on my own on Sunday which is unusual but my friend didn't want to go out and I was desperate to, there were people there that I would know so it was fine, Uniform was there and bought me a drink as soon as I walked in and then came and joined us, for someone that has a girlfriend as soon as he spots me he's straight over!

Everyone else left eventually (early) leaving me, him and a few other regulars and My Knight In Shining Leathers was in there too (who incidentally has had a gf for about a year now) we had a chat as usual but were messing around a bit later on and he threw a chalk covered cloth at me, I threw it back, he threw it back and then I grabbed him and went to kick him (playfully not seriously) landed really badly and that's how the knee happened!

Uniform then walked me home (as usual) and I went to his (as usual) for a drink and chinese, we snuggled up on the sofa and watched a film, he did try to get me to stay as I was quite obviously injured and struggling to move but being the stubborn cow I am I came home, which I regretted in the morning as I got into the shower and knew pretty much straight away that I was going to pass out, I managed to get myself out of the shower before passing out on the floor and hitting my neck and head on the way down, I don't think I've ever felt so sorry for myself for living on my own! Anyway long and short is that I'm not driving or walking far for the next few months!

We've had a few messages in the week and then we were both out on Saturday at the pub (me on crutches!) he beelined again as usual and we came home together, he was supposed to be on a fire course on Sun morning but he was quite drunk, he fell asleep on the sofa and I tried to wake him up to go home but he was having none of it, I'm not even sure he would have been capable of walking it to be honest, eventually I told him to go to bed and he went and got in my bed (stark naked) I put PJ's on and also went to bed, he was very cuddly and snuggly as usual which I must say was nice, it's been a long time since anyone's been in my bed!

He made an attempt at trying it on a couple of times but I wasn't going for it, he is a friend and if anything happens I don't want it to be getting laid, it's the line between friends and more and it needs to be one or the other I think.

It took me about two hours to get him up for his training and he was too late but told me he was being picked up at 9, not the 7:30 that he was really so by the time I eventually chucked him out at 8 he was too late, I don't know if we've crossed the line, or if it will be awkward next time we see eachother but I guess that might not be for a while, although nothing happened, ARGH head fuck! He's also off to Afghanistan next month and then Australia the month after, so I guess it's not the end of the world, it's pretty typical of me, can never make my mind up about men.

Oh, on another note, Psycho, Knight In Shining Armour, Uniform and Quote Me Happy now all live in the same street, whoops!

Looby has just called, she said she's glad that she didn't fix me up with BIL as they've had a massive fall out........... people!















Monday 3 February 2014

The one who left his wife...........................

This story is an old one but he sometimes crops up in the blog I thought I'd give him his own post. I was around 18 at the time so it would have been around 1996, god I feel so old saying that! 

When I was young I was a bit of a wild child, out at every opportunity, clubbing, drinking, getting in from clubbing at 7 and being at work or college for 8:30, what a time to be alive.

I grew up in Oxford, May Day is a Big thing, go out early, party all night, head down to the bridge to watch people jump off on May morning, have no intention of going into college the next day as you know you'll feel like death! 

We were all out as usual, it was a Wednesday night, which was probably our favourite of the week, we started drinking at college at lunchtime. 

After the nightclub closed we went onto another party on Port Meadow and some other people joined us, friends of school friends, one started chatting to me and we spent quite a lot of time together that night, the only thing I can really remember is a conversation about his necklace, it had a Z on, I joked asking if the Z was his girlfriend, he told me not to be silly, it was his daughter, I'm not sure if I was naive at the time but you know back that not many people I knew had wives and girlfriends, certainly not the ones that used to hang out with us week in, week out.

We started to see each other when we were out, we always ended up together at the end of the night, he worked nights so he wasn't out as much as us but often he'd come out and then go straight to work, he'd also come to see me on the way home from work, or on the way to work if I wasn't out, out. 

He wasn't out quite as much as the rest of us but he was out a lot, which is why I never suspected anything, like a wife. 

We were a few months in when I overheard a conversation (which looking back was likely intentional on his mates behalf) he joked about a wife, I thought he must have been joking and didn't raise it for a couple of days, until we were on our own. 

When I mentioned it I honestly expected it to be a stupid joke, it wasn't. He had a wife, the mother of the daughter I already knew about, he lived with her and I don't think at the time I had a lot of words. 

I always liked a bit of a challenge but I would have never gone near a man with a wife but we were several months in and feelings were already involved, we continued to see each other, he continued to be out all of the time, he continued to see me at every opportunity. 

It was months later when he came over with his wedding ring on and I asked where it had been that first night, he told me he'd been wearing it, I knew that was a lie, it was about 10 years later that he finally admitted to taking the ring off and putting it in his pocket, I knew he wasn't wearing it, I knew that I'd have noticed, he told me that he took it off as no one talked to him if he wore it, well duh! 

We continued like that for about a year (by the way I never slept with him in this time, I was young, a bit shy, lived at home, he lived with his wife) 

On Valentines Day I walked out to my car COVERED in roses, it was sweet and then later that day at work a bouquet of red roses, I love flowers but I was a bit embarrassed at having to walk through town with them. 

In that year we saw a lot of each other, his wife was even out one night, I avoided her, I felt sorry for her and I felt like a bad person and while it wasn't right, it wasn't me that was cheating. I never brought up him leaving her, I never expected him to, we just made the most of the time we had, I was out at every opportunity, he was too. 

I don't think from when I found out I ever wanted him to leave, I was too young to be tied down, I never wanted to meet someone, I wanted to carry on as I was and I guess in some ways him being married allowed me to do that. 

On a Saturday I was coming home from work on a bus and just as I got to my stop I saw him, walking along with an overnight bag, I was cold at that moment, I got off of the bus and my first words were 'what did you do?' he told me he'd left her and I didn't know what to say, I guess it's what the other woman is meant to hope for, genuinely that wasn't the case, I liked him and wanted to be with him but I thought it would fizzle in it's own time and that he and his wife would carry on like before. 

I was going out that night with my best friend, I rang and told her and she thought we weren't going out, I said we absolutely were and that he was coming to babysit for her, I very much needed to have a good think about what was to come and what I wanted, I knew he and I needed to talk about it at some point but it wasn't the time, for either of us. 

May Day came quickly and it was the first time we slept together, a whole year after we first met. The wife found out we were together and made four from 2+2 she quite rightly went mental and gave me shit for months, smashing my car, every time we were due to do something she'd tell him there was a problem with their daughter and he'd have to go round and get her. 

It meant constant cancelling of any plans, I always understood his daughter came first and I never had a problem with that, I also knew that she was doing it on purpose but there was nothing I could do about it. 

It was about four weeks later when I started feeling sick constantly and a day later I did a test, I remember doing it at my best friends house and being devastated. 

The timing was bad, the situation was bad, I wasn't ready, I'd had tests done a couple of years earlier and been told I had Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome and that I'd probably never have children, certainly not naturally anyway so it was quite a shock to be in the position I was in, just four weeks after sleeping with him for the first time, I guess after being given that diagnosis I didn't think I needed to be very careful, it was never going to happen to me. 

It didn't take much thinking through, I'd been brought up in a single parent family and didn't want to do that, I wanted a career, I wanted to have fun, I wanted to have my own house, I wanted to be married before I had children, I wanted to be in a stable relationship, there was so much I wanted, I really wanted it to be over. 

I had an appointment at the hospital, luckily it was early days so the procedure was relatively simple, I hadn't told him, I was struggling to communicate with him at all, apart from being miserable, we were out in the car and he asked me what was wrong, I told him and he said he's support my decision whatever it was, he asked if I wanted him to come with me and I said no, I was going with my friend. 

I honestly couldn't have taken any emotion, I was a wreck as it was. 

Would him saying differently have changed my mind? I don't know. If the timing had been different would it have changed my mind? I don't know. Was it the right decision at the time. Yes, it was. 

The day came and my friend took me to the hospital, we both have a warped sense of humour and tried to joke about it, I remember the Doctor having a very hot Junior Doctor with him, they both had to do an internal and the Doctor asked who was the best, it was the strangest of situations. 

The day was painful, more emotionally than physically, I have never been so mixed up and emotional, I was a wreck but to be honest it was too late by that point anyway, you've already taken the first tablets and the job is done largely by then. 

I went through a terrible period of depression following it, in those days there wasn't counselling, you just did it, never told anyone and went back to work a couple of days later after a few days holiday. 

My body healed fast, my head didn't, I couldn't stand to think of him with his daughter and I distanced myself from him, we were still having sex (much more carefully) at every opportunity but I really tuned out from him. 

My second and very young sister had been born shortly after, we were all at her Christening and people were saying how she could be mine, I'd literally just had the termination and it hurt, it really hurt, they were right, there was that much of an age difference that she could have been, little did they know how much their jokes hurt. 

My 20th birthday came he was keen for us to do something together, all I wanted to do was go out with my friends (and him) get drunk and forget the world, it was then I learned that he had a hang up about his penis size (I'd never even really noticed until that point that it was a little on the small side but I wasn't very experienced and he was great in bed, he well and truly made up for any size with everything else he did, I assume it had been an issue with the wife and he really did have a hang up about it. 

It came up a lot (the hang up!) but things were falling apart, I was depressed and didn't know that, I used to take it out on him and the whole thing started to come apart. 

We were about another six months in when I told him that I couldn't do it anymore, it wasn't working out and we split up. 

It was hard, we hung out in the same group, he blamed me for ending his marriage, I blamed me for everything. 

We still saw each other as we were out in the same group, then one night we were out and he lost his shit with me over a birthday card I'd sent him (I've spent ages choosing it so that it couldn't be misconstrued but I'd added 'love from' he pinned me up against the wall of the nightclub and asked why I'd written love when I didn't love him, I'd obviously not thought that bit through as much as I thought. 

One of his best friends; P pulled him off me, threw him out of the nightclub and told him not to not to be such a dick, he then came back to see how I was, I was bleeding and a little sore and shaken but ok, he said he was taking me home to make sure I got home safely, he spent the journey telling me that his friend had been a dick and I'd done nothing wrong, we'd been finished a couple of months by that point - there is more to this story but P deserves a post of his own, so I'll carry him on there. 

I got a call the next day, apologising for being such a dick, he said that he didn't mean to hurt me (he genuinely didn't, I do believe that) 

I'm writing this many years later, he still keeps in touch, probably at least monthly, a lot of time went past when we didn't but along came Facebook and changed that, even all these years later, if he knows I'm out in Oxford he'll still meet us for a drink. 

He's remarried, to the Ex of one of his best mates, she apparently hates me, I've no idea why, I wouldn't know her if I fell over her and if I hadn't let him go she'd never have had him, you'd think she'd be pleased really! 

All these years later you know I still think about it, not so much him but the termination, what might have been, that I lost my only chance that day. It was the right thing at that time. 

I will one day make choices purely for me and not give a shit what anyone else thinks, I promise I will!






































Tuesday 21 January 2014

There isn't a great deal to report since my last post, a marriage proposal on POF and lots of messages, probably only one that I have any interest in but after an initial flurry of contact he's gone quiet (I don't understand that unless they find out something they really don't like which he's not had the opportunity to do as yet) anyway, no great loss but he is a policeman and I do like my uniforms....

On that note Uniform turned up to collect something the week before last, in his fireman's uniform and yes it was good, however last week he turned up to collect something else in his Army uniform and I have to say I was left a little speechless, the uniform definitely did it for me and he also smelled nice, not a great combination for me, made me a little weak at the knee's and I'm fairly sure it was visible!

I saw Looby yesterday, BIL is still playing around with the ex, it kind of gives me a reprieve so it's not such a bad thing, they'll probably break up when I meet someone, that's how we seem to work it.

I think that is all!