Monday 14 April 2014

The weekend was gone in a flash...........

I worked on Saturday which on crutches and not well makes you fairly shattered, I'm not sure if it's the weather but I'm finding more men look better than usual and one's I'd not normally look it, spring has sprung maybe?

The Space Cadet came over to see me on Saturday, he's good company, funny, charismatic, cute and dull as dishwater, I don't think anything has changed, he's still on his phone constantly, so I'm pretty sure there is another phone relationship like we had, I think there are one or two all of the time.

The guy my boss keeps trying to fix me up with was there, he's too short, I'd have to live in flats which I don't think I'm up for.

Hotbike is my new friend on Facebook, it inspired a bit of an eeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkk! He raced this weekend but a crash meant it didn't go particularly well. I don't think I've mentioned the 18 year old yet, he's not 18 anymore, he's 21 now, more about that one later on!

Friday 4 April 2014

Update........

Friday came and I had four plumbers in the building, we also had a visit from the PCSO after some pikey nicked the old boiler and the copper, cheeky sods.

Uniform came in to collect his keys, saw the state of the place and gave me a cuddle and a 'we'll sort it' I haven't heard from him since (not unusual) the gf is back (I guess!) it's a week on now, my friend was round today and mentioned that he's not been at the pub, although he did park outside mine last night.

I had two more plumbers on Monday, one was quite cute but very young (20's maybe?) we finally have a boiler and can have a bath in my own home, yay!

It's been a strange week, I was due to be working onsite on Wednesday but with a knee that's poorly it's impossible to drive, especially that distance.

Best Friend was going to the track day anyway so I asked if he would drop me at a hotel on Tuesday night and pick me up on Weds morning for work, he said he'd spoken to his friend who said that I could stay there, bear in mind that I have only met him once and it was about 8 years ago on a night out in my home town, Best Friend had three friends and Car Salesman out, including this one who we'll call Engineer, I never looked twice at Engineer but one of the friends was quite nice and we were fairly engrossed in each other all night, the Car Salesman was very jealous and mentioned that I was winding him up (I didn't mean to but winding the Car Salesman up by speaking to other men was never hard)

So I was quite surprised when I arrived at his house and thought he was quite attractive, he's matured well over the years and he's 6'2 which for me is my ideal height in a man, he was very sweet, they carried bags for me, they got me dinner, carried my helmet as it's difficult with crutches.

I went out in the car with Engineer in the morning and it's one of my most fun times in car, the nearest we've come to ending up off of track, on a bad note, I had no makeup, I'm carrying extra weight from not being able to exercise, weeks of morphine has done nothing for my skin and it really could have been better, much better but it wasn't!!! He also lives miles away.

I did say thank you for the loan of the spare room though and I'm hoping to be joining them on a trip later in the year (I've been planning this for years but never made it to be honest, maybe I should try harder!)

On another happy note I got my Superbikes invite this week, can't wait to get back into it, very exciting! :-) 

Wednesday 26 March 2014

Laying your cards on the table.......

That's what my friend said I should do and I just can't stop thinking about it, I've only really opened up and laid my cards on the table to one person, one of the two 'big ones' and I can't see that I'll ever do it again after that experience.

I remember being at Becky Falls in Devon, it was a lovely dry Autumn day and we were away for a week, he was taking photos at the other side of the bridge, we walked towards each other and at that moment I knew it was love, I even opened my mouth to say it but the words stuck in my throat, maybe my mouth knew that if they came out on my disappointment would follow?

The next time was when were were going through a bad patch sometime later, we'd already been together a couple of years by this point and still no 'I love you' on either side, in the middle of an argument I asked him if he had ever loved me and he told me he didn't know if he was capable of live but I was as near as he'd come, is that enough?

The truth is no, those words ate at me for years and they still do to this day, close wasn't enough, I knew in my heart he didn't love me, I never felt loved, how did I waste so much of my life on him? I very stupidly loved him and my heart didn't want to let that go.

The third time was one Christmas, I wrote it in his card, it was reciprocated with a thank you for the card, they are the only times in my life I have laid my cards on the table and said I love you and meant it, am I keen to let someone make me feel like that again? No, I can't say I am.

Eventually after nearly 5 years I asked him to leave, I was getting to the point of wanting to settle down and I knew that with him I had no chance of that, it happened on a Monday evening when I got home from work, we talked the next day and said we'd have a couple of weeks break instead to see if we could work things out, I didn't contact him the whole time to see if we could clear our heads apart, we were due to meet on the Tuesday.

The whole time he was gone I missed him like crazy but I carried on, went to work and hardly a soul knew (incase we got back together) on the Friday before we were due to meet I text to say I'd missed him and that I hoped we could work things out.

I had an HTC diamond phone in those days and anyone that had one knows that they had a home key that if you had a message it used to light up a ring around the home key, my phone used to sit next to my laptop at work.

At 10 on Monday morning the day before we were due to meet the phone lit up, he'd have had no doubt of where I would be, I the office, an hour and a half away from home.

I opened the message to see a message saying that he'd missed me too but that we weren't going to work out long term, if he was ready to settle down it would be with me, I took myself into the toilet to try to compose myself, by the time I'd been gone about half hour someone came to look for me, I was a teary, broken mess and had to walk out in front of my staff like that and drive home in that state, my boss wasn't even going to let me drive but after feeding me tea and sympathy they let me go home.

He came to pick up his things the next day and I sobbed like a baby, I was totally broken, blacking out through stress and so helpless that I had to go and stay with my mum 40 miles away, if you knew the relationship my mum and I have you'd know that meant I was bad! I lost  two and a half stone in those first two weeks.

We were still Facebook friends and I tried to be dignified, until I found out he was seeing someone and she'd been to his family for dinner, two weeks after we split up, I felt totally betrayed by them all, his friend had also been seeing her previously and dumped her because he said she was mental.

On a Friday morning two weeks after that Monday I got the message I flipped, I told him that he was an emotional bully and that just because it didn't leave bruises he was no better than a wife beater, emotional scars run very deep. I also posted a status on Facebook saying 'I wonder if his best mate had finished pulling his trousers up before you stuck yours in' but it wasn't long before I'd deleted everyone we had in common.

The man that couldn't commit was married within the year, I saw the wedding photos and for all the times he called me fat I'm positively a supermodel in comparison!

I don't think I can lay my cards on the table, I still have the scars from the last time.


My Messy Little World.........

As I was walking to Uniform's yesterday to have a bath I noticed that the three people I've had 'things' with in the village and Uniform now all live in the same road, Quote Me Happy has moved in there this week, how on earth do I get myself into these things? All in one road, that's just silly!

Anyway Quote Me Happy saw me hobbling to Uniforms and asked what I'd done, ah it's a complicated old life we lead!

Had a lovely bath at Uniforms and told him that the cats and I had moved in, totally unfazed by it, quite annoying really.

I was telling a friend about it all last night, she thinks I should put my cards on the table before it's too late, I guess she's right in that you can't go back but in another way I think if it's meant to be it will be, I don't think I'm going to tell him anything really, I think I'm just going to leave things as they are, if I've cocked up again then that's that but Blue Eyes and I were friends at the start and that was all cocked up, I don't want to do it again, it's a small village when things go wrong and I don't want to lose friends over it.

I am off for another bath tonight though, I'm going to make the most of it while I can! :-)

Tuesday 25 March 2014

Oh what a few days........

It's been a busy few days here, the emails, texts and whatsapp messages have been flowing in and as per usual mostly not one's that would interest me.

Still hearing from the Space Cadet most days, I saw Uniform on Sunday, I'd been in the pub for the afternoon and not long before I was leaving he arrived, a comment had already been made in the afternoon by a friend but it was ignored, when he walked in one of the regulars asked if we'd fallen out as he didn't come straight up to me as usual and to be fair I did wonder if things were going to be awkward but as soon as he walked past he came and gave me a hug and joined us, he was driving so gave me a lift home but as usual that ended in 'have you eaten' and he made me dinner and a movie cuddled up on the sofa, it's weird, we are terribly comfortable together and I really enjoy spending time with him.

He's away with work for the week and has left me the keys so that I can have some baths this week bless him, the girlfriend is back Weds though and I'm really not totally sure how that will feel or be, we will see I guess.

Knight in Shining Leathers was also in the pub, when I mentioned him being dropped in it with the gf he just gave a big sigh and shrug, he's so much happier and more himself when she's not around, got a big hug and he gave me lots of abuse about the knee.

Yesterday was a bit of a day for me, I had a phone call yesterday asking if I'd do them a favour and pick something up for them, to which I said of course I would, it ended up that I had to meet one of the hottest men in motorsport to pick up his race kit, he is absolutely stunning and gorgeous and I've been waiting for quite literally months to meet him, I can honestly say I've had a huge smile on my face since I was asked to do it, helping out a friend made my day, I was told that I wasn't allowed to lock him in and keep him here but it was very tempting! His father is also one of the most famous men in motorsport, we'll call him Hotbike!!

Monday 17 March 2014

Quiet Times......

It's been very quiet here, partly because I can't go far due to the knee which is driving me nuts as I can't really do anything!

Still on POF and getting lots of messages but again no one that I really want to pursue further at the moment.

Not heard from Uniform apart from a text message last week (just the one after a 'Happy Birthday') but that's not unusual.

I'm going out with the Space Cadet to the Rugby on Wednesday, he's still around after all of this time, he's coming to collect me as I still can't drive, he's very sweet and I'm looking forward to getting out.

Monday 10 March 2014

Catching Up.......

All has been pretty quiet on the home front, I've managed to rip the ligaments in my knee which means I can't drive and can't get around which to be honest is a right pain!

I didn't go out for the whole of February, it's a pretty miserable month for me, I broke up with w@nk bag four years ago on V day and although it was one of the best things I ever did he was the only man I have ever actually loved and the weather is miserable, money is tight as winter is quiet in the industry I work in, etc, etc, whinge, moan, whinge!!!

Kept being told that Uniform keeps taking a woman up the pub but no one was sure if it was a GF or just a friend, I saw him out the week before last and it's the new GF.

I had to be fair played totally hard to get as I didn't know if (and still don't if I'm being honest) I liked him as a friend or more, we get on great but is that enough, what if I like him but don't fancy the pants off him?

Anyway back to the story at hand, I saw him on the Friday at the pub, normally he walks me home but I got a lift as I wasn't drinking and left before closing (strange I know!) I went out on my own on Sunday which is unusual but my friend didn't want to go out and I was desperate to, there were people there that I would know so it was fine, Uniform was there and bought me a drink as soon as I walked in and then came and joined us, for someone that has a girlfriend as soon as he spots me he's straight over!

Everyone else left eventually (early) leaving me, him and a few other regulars and My Knight In Shining Leathers was in there too (who incidentally has had a gf for about a year now) we had a chat as usual but were messing around a bit later on and he threw a chalk covered cloth at me, I threw it back, he threw it back and then I grabbed him and went to kick him (playfully not seriously) landed really badly and that's how the knee happened!

Uniform then walked me home (as usual) and I went to his (as usual) for a drink and chinese, we snuggled up on the sofa and watched a film, he did try to get me to stay as I was quite obviously injured and struggling to move but being the stubborn cow I am I came home, which I regretted in the morning as I got into the shower and knew pretty much straight away that I was going to pass out, I managed to get myself out of the shower before passing out on the floor and hitting my neck and head on the way down, I don't think I've ever felt so sorry for myself for living on my own! Anyway long and short is that I'm not driving or walking far for the next few months!

We've had a few messages in the week and then we were both out on Saturday at the pub (me on crutches!) he beelined again as usual and we came home together, he was supposed to be on a fire course on Sun morning but he was quite drunk, he fell asleep on the sofa and I tried to wake him up to go home but he was having none of it, I'm not even sure he would have been capable of walking it to be honest, eventually I told him to go to bed and he went and got in my bed (stark naked) I put PJ's on and also went to bed, he was very cuddly and snuggly as usual which I must say was nice, it's been a long time since anyone's been in my bed!

He made an attempt at trying it on a couple of times but I wasn't going for it, he is a friend and if anything happens I don't want it to be getting laid, it's the line between friends and more and it needs to be one or the other I think.

It took me about two hours to get him up for his training and he was too late but told me he was being picked up at 9, not the 7:30 that he was really so by the time I eventually chucked him out at 8 he was too late, I don't know if we've crossed the line, or if it will be awkward next time we see eachother but I guess that might not be for a while, although nothing happened, ARGH head fuck! He's also off to Afghanistan next month and then Australia the month after, so I guess it's not the end of the world, it's pretty typical of me, can never make my mind up about men.

Oh, on another note, Psycho, Knight In Shining Armour, Uniform and Quote Me Happy now all live in the same street, whoops!

Looby has just called, she said she's glad that she didn't fix me up with BIL as they've had a massive fall out........... people!