A little catch up.........

It's been four months since I've posted, can't believe I've left it that long.

The dating front is still the same as really, I think it's me, I'm not really sure i want anything unless he's perfect and of course no one ever is, so I'll give you a quick catch up on the last few months.

Baggage boy continues to be around and we see each other fairly regularly, we have a bit of a weird relationship, it seems to fit directly between friendship and a relationship, he phones me most days, is there if I need anything, we spend nights curled up on the sofa watching movies but that's where it ends, it's a funny old situation but he does bring a bit of brightness to my life.

I met the four year old a couple of weeks ago, it's only taken me nine months to agree to it, he looks just like his Dad and like his Dad from the moment we met we hit it off, we went to Nando's for dinner and he came and gave me a a hug and kiss before bedtime which was a bit of a shock.

Apparently when Baggage Boy had a friend over on the Saturday the four year old told the friend he loved me, bless!

I've written a separate post on '22' as he makes his first appearance in the blog.

We're going back a few years now my Knight in Shining Leathers made a re-entry, you probably won't remember him as it was five years ago the first time, he was very important following my split with my big love, who by all accounts was a bit of a twat, he picked me up from a pretty terrible place, we were both going through a rough time and picked each other up, we stayed close for years after and always chat when we see each other, It's still mentioned from time to time that there is something between us but there hasn't been for years, well until last night.

I've hardly been out this year but was looking forward to a night out, we'd been out for a while when he arrived, he gave me a hug and kiss and we chatted before going our separate ways, we were then sat at a table and he came and joined us and when we left he came along, we sat together in the pub and he said he'd walk me home (he usually does if we are out together) although I didn't realise he's moved and is now at the other end of the village, I mentioned it and he said it wasn't an issue he was passing anyway, when we got to mine he came in (again normal) we sat chatting over tea and he was telling me about splitting with his girlfriend a couple of months ago.

I was rather shocked when he kissed me, it was unexpected to say the least but nice at that. After a few hours I said I needed to go to bed and asked if he was staying (again nothing abnormal) although what happened next was not how it normally does and I honestly didn't expect anything to happen but it did, he left at about 11 the next morning, it's funny nothing has changed in five years, we're still as natural together as we have always been, I don't think I really like him 'like that' these days but it was nice, I think we maybe both needed some affection and we have always been there for each other, he's a lovely guy and I've got a lot of time for him.

Who bloody knew!

22..........

I've had a bit of a 'thing' with someone we'll call 22 (because he is!) I've known him for over four years now, he used to ask me out back then when he was 18 but I obviously used to say no, I saw him at the end of last year, puberty did a fabulous job on him, I remember thinking 'you've missed a trick there' he'd been a rather gawky teenager, talk, skinny, glasses, he's filled out a bit, does a manual job, got contacts and looks really good. We had a chat about how he was doing, how his parents were etc, he'd been with his girlfriend a couple of years and was due to get married, so we chatted about that. Thought nothing more of it.

A few months later he suddenly reappeared on Facebook, he told me him and the gf had split, she was a psychopath (we knew that already) and he'd pop round for a cuppa and tell me all about it, which he did on the Friday, he asked if I wanted him to bring wine round which I declined as I didn't think it was a good idea, he came round for a cuppa, two cups of tea, lots of laughing and chatting and he went home, it wasn't quite that straight forward as one of his best mates is my neighbour, so he knew he'd been here.

I got messages each day for the following week and I bumped into him in the pub on Friday, he joined us and we chatted, they went off somewhere else and the texting continued, could be come round for a cuppa, which he did, he stayed and well you can guess the rest, it was a nice night, he's really sweet, he text me as soon as he left.

Since then he's asked to come round quite a lot but I keep declining, it just feels set up which I don't want it to be, we're not talking everyday but still regularly, I turned him down coming round this week, I'm not sure I want to turn him down really, if we were both out in the same place at the same time I'm pretty sure something would happen again, we will see.

The two and a half years of no sex is officially over and rather spectacularly too!!

The Medium

In September I went to see a Medium, I'd always wanted to but had always been a bit nervous about it, I made the appointment and went over on a Thursday evening.

I didn't really know what to think or what to believe, he started talking about a woman and that she was saying there was three of something but that I was the special one, I am one of three children and was my Nan's only Grandchild for 18 years so I could see something in that, he kept saying that someone was pushing her forward which he didn't understand and neither did I, until he mentioned big bikes and engine noise, I immediately burst into tears, my friend died racing in June and everything he described was him, he even described the funeral to a t, I was totally shell shocked, I've thought about him every day since we lost him and I'd been to my first race since he'd died on the Sunday, I was totally in shock.

He also told me that I'd met someone recently but that they weren't telling me the whole truth and I'd been holding myself back which described Mr Nearly There perfectly.

He also said that I was going to meet someone, he said that they would work in the Motor Industry, they would have a race car and we would have loads in common, he said that there would be a child, although he did say a girl, he said he would be more on my level than anyone before, I'd not even thought about it again until about a week or so ago, Baggage Boy is all of those apart from he has a boy and not a girl, I don't know why I'd not clicked on the motor industry job or how I'd missed it, he said nothing would happen until February although he said he didn't know why, he was quite specific on Feb though, I guess in a month's time we'll see if there is anything in that!

A perfect Sunday with a smack in the face for good measure......

He's been very chatty following losing his job, I've been trying to balance wanting to support him with keeping my distance, he offered to help me with my photography homework and I obviously didn't say no, so I went over on Sunday to take some photos, he asked what I wanted for dinner when I arrived and we decided on Chinese, we went out to take photos and as usual ended up in floods of giggles, he makes me smile so much, I can't stop myself touching him and he always sits right next to me.

When we were having dinner he said how he couldn't manage talking to anyone else for as long as we do and that the only reason he ever puts the phone down is that he has to do something, we went back to his and looked at the photos, we even liked the same one's. 

I was sitting on the sofa and he was sitting on the floor next to me, I have cold hands and he likes cold on his neck so as usual I put my hand on his neck, which he's been having issues with so I gave him a bit of a massage, which then turned to him asking if I'd do a bit on his shoulder so I did and it turned to a back and neck massage, he's changed his time for his son, he's now going to be having him all weekend instead of just one night, I said I thought it was great but would affect his social life, he said he had a babysitter that he could call on and said 'I might even want to go on a date one day' I'm so glad I wasn't looking at him, he would have probably seen that my face looked a bit like I'd been slapped and to be fair that would have been exactly how I felt, there was a second when I had my thumb in his neck that I felt like digging it in and hurting him. 

We carried on, although it had put a little bit of a dampener on it for me, as I clicked his back, back into place he again commented that no one had been able to do it like I had, I told him about the Medium from last year (I don't know if I've gone into that?) I'll pop it into the next post, I'm not sure if he was a bit weirded out, it seemed like the time. 

We were looking through old videos of his little boy, he's super cute (maybe I just think that because of his Dad?!) 

I eventually left around 11:30 after being there since 3:00, he gave me a kiss and a cuddle as usual and I left, he asked me to tell him I was home (as usual) which I did. 

I came home feeling terribly mixed up, I'd had such a lovely day but it had been ruined by the comment, I had a few tears on the way home, we've talked today by text, he called me early on this morning but I didn't answer as I was at work.

I've spoken to two friends about it and they've both said he's nuts (it's their duty!) he does send totally mixed signals, for me a massage is quite intimate (unless I'm paying for it, that's totally different)

Currently I feel like my happy is just past my fingertips, I can see it but I can't get hold of it, that is a totally rubbish feeling. 

Up and down........

I sent the present, he received it and sent a thankyou, saying he'd been having a really rough time and It had really cheered him up, I was pleased. It took me a while to respond, that was Christmas Eve, we had a couple of text on Christmas Day and then I was sitting there my phone rang, his photo popped up, I answered and we have a normal conversation, with the one I like, went back I to my friends with a massive smile, the messages kept coming and it stayed like that for the following days, he rang me on NYE and tried to get me to go out with him, I did say no (kind of wish Id gone) he asked if id like to do something the next day to which I said yes.

We had such a lovely time, bowling, dinner, movie, Nerf wars (and betting on nerf wars!) a very happy and perfect day! He walked into the living room stark naked apart from a pinny, he had all of these bets that were a bit, shall we say close to the wire! A friend mentioned that I should have jumped on him while he was in the pinny, maybe I did miss out!

 Obviously that doesn't last though and the quiet act came back and then he reappeared, we had a day at Autosport which to be fair was rubbish, he was switched off and I got home feeling let down and upset, it was a waste of make up day, I also didn't feel great so I fell asleep on the sofa, he phoned two hours later but I missed the call, a quiet few days followed, I was doing well, getting on, although feeling the pangs each day when the phone didn't go. We went 36 hours without a message and I made it without contacting him and then the text went.

I've even changed his ring and text tones so that I don't jump overtime it's him, hopefully that will help.

Life is a strange place when your me!

Twats in Tinfoil........

Does Prince Charming really exist, or are they just twats in tinfoil?

I went over on Sunday to take some photos of his car for a magazine, we walked out to greet me, kissed me (properly) cuddled me, we laughed, had a nice time and then he sort of changed, said he was tired, it was a little uncomfortable so I made my excuses and left, he text to make sure I'd got home, I was a little bit disillusioned so I didn't respond. He sent me a good morning and four more messages, I didn't respond, I intended to but I didn't want to say something I might regret. I replied that evening, although my message was a little vague.

We had some messages on Tuesday and I called him on Tues evening once I'd got over it a bit, normal conversation, I'm not very good at not knowing where I stand, games isn't really my thing (which he knows)

I was away for work on Weds and Thurs, Weds I heard nothing, so after a night out with work and a bottle or so of wine I sent a message saying I didn't know how to deal with him being so on and off, I got a response the following morning, saying he'd been ill and had a lot going on with work, sorry for putting it on me.

I thought about it and I knew that really I shouldn't respond, it wouldn't help, wouldn't stop him being flaky but on Friday I was out and something made me giggle and think of him, so I responded, a few more messages but eventually I said I didn't want to put him under anymore pressure as he's under a lot of it with work. I said I'd had a nice time with him and pretty much goodbye. He responded saying he'd had a nice time with me too and 'will arrange something soon' two days in and i've not responded, it's taken a hell of a lot for me not to message him.

I've spent a lot of my weekend with sporadic tears (like I am now!)  ive tried so hard this time to not hide my feelings and put the walls up around my heart, which isn't me at all and look where it's got me, my heart hurts and so does my pride, I know it will get better but I miss him being around, I guess you kind of get you to someone when you are speaking to them most days for months at a time?

I don't want to do it again, twice I've messed up this year.

I spent a long time in the car on Thursday, I can still envisage the day that I watched my big love walk out the door for the last time nearly five years ago, I can still feel my heart hurting and I never want to feel like that ever again, I think this is the closest i've felt to anyone for a while now, I feel stupid for letting it happen, ive checked my phone a stupid amount of times, I'm desperate to see a message but realistically I know I won't, he's not been on tinder in four days, finally met someone that makes him not need it? Or the ex back on the scene? I so wish I knew, would it make me feel better? Who knows?

I don't want to face people at the moment, I don't want them to ask, I don't want to have to talk, I want to shut myself away and not inflict my misery on anyone else! I don't think it helps that I hate this time of year.

I ordered him an acrylic block of one of the car prints that looked really good, I'm still going to send it, my friend says im too nice but I don't think that you should stop being nice for anyone, I do think if we were all a bit nicer the world would be a better place, I honestly try hard to be nice, I send friends that are having rough times presents, do things for charity and generally try to make myself a better person. If I'd not ordered it I wouldn't have after this but I did, I don't want it, I can't send it back, I was going to post it anyway, it was a 'your having a rough time present' not for Christmas.

Does it make me soft? Maybe. I don't think many people would say that about me.

I've cancelled the dating sites, I just don't think I can go through all this again, the 100 dates to get one that you like only for that to not work out when you think it might, to have what you think is happy within your grasp and then for it to disappear out of sight.

I'm done!

It never got better............

So, no good morning, I sent a message giving a nudge and wishing him luck as he was seeing his boss that he hates, he replied saying he was having a bad day.

We got back to the subject, he said he 'needs to spend time answering it correctly that's all' well that was before 2, still heard nothing but it's Gym night tonight.

I eventually got a long response, he agreed with me and said he wants is to continue getting to know me better and he'd never met anyone that had made him laugh so much or that he'd felt more comfortable with.

I guess I still felt it was a bit of a cop out but I took it and responded saying I was happy with taking things slowly but if we were going to carry on I felt we needed to make time for eachother and not have anyone else involved.

Conversation resumed to normal.