I don't know why I bother!!

On the 21st October I matched with this guy and he messaged quite quickly and a lot, he asked if I'd like go for a drink, which we did a week later, we got on really well, he text before I got home to say he'd had a lovely evening and would I like to go out again, to which I said yes. 

We were texting lots, all the time in fact, we went out again a week later and had another nice evening, kissed at the end, again a text before I'd got home checking I'd got back safely and thanking me for a lovely evening. 

More texting and asked me out again, we arranged to go for dinner on Sunday, all the time texting and him being very keen, I expressed to a friend that I thought he might be a bit too nice and a bit keen for me really but that we did get on really well so decided to go with it. 

We met for dinner on Sunday, had another nice evening, he was talking about next time, we kissed again (initiated by him) before I got home the text arrived and we decided on the cinema for date four, we've been chatting lots, he was saying he'd need to find some veggie recipes, he text me on the Monday to say he had tonsillitis which I obviously wasn't keen on catching which caused a bit of joking. 

There has been a serious amount of messaging, both on Tinder and by text and three dates, last one on Sunday, he asked about all of them, he asked about date four, he said last night that he thought we were definitely on for date five, we said goodnight as usual, he text me this morning as usual and then he sent me a message saying he'd had a think and he doesn't think he's ready for anything serious but he'd still be up for going out but he'd understand if I'm not. 

I don't understand how we got here, I don't understand what's gone on at all to be honest, occasionally I think I'll just let it go and take it one day at a time and look what happens, I let myself think there might be more in it and I get let down. 

Is dating really worth it? Is it?

The return of 22.......

So, first time I've been out in the village in ages, planned to have a night out with ET to catch up as we've not seen each other for a while (she's not got a boyfriend so I don't get much of a look in!)

Getting ready when I get a text from ET, all it says is '22's here' oh shit is all that goes through my head, I look in the mirror, I look decent, hairs done, make ups done, top and jeans on, I'm in a better place now I tell myself.

I walked in and had to walk past him to get to where I was going, we said hi, in the minute our eyes met spin reappeared, I downed the vodka, to be fair at a stupid rate, it was always going to end badly.

He came over to me (he is still in casts and on crutches) and talked to me, still there is something there but I wasn't going to let it happen again, his mate came and started talking to me, the one that he'd said I had an admirer, he's sweet, a nice lad, 21 this time, he walked me home, we kissed, thankfully I came to my senses before it went any further, I wasn't reacting because I liked him, I was acting out of hurt, I don't need you and I can walk out with your mate and hurt you too!!

The next day I was going out with baggage boy and the four year old to the air museum, boy did I feel rough! I told BB what had happened and he laughed at me as usual!
We had a lovely day but a little painful too, we looked like a family, a little boy between us holding our hands and calling us to look at things, I took a beautiful photo of them both while they weren't looking, it's his cover photo on FB, it made me see what I'm missing, although I'd still not want it with him or to do it on my own.

22 text me the next day while I was with BB to ask what happened, I said nothing, he didn't believe me I don't think but then I guess it's none of his business, he hurt me before him and still we are nowhere near even on that score (Not that I intend to even it up anymore!)

On the even up note, Too Soon is cheating on the girl from the night I put his drink over his head, I find that quite amusing in a sadistic, twisted kind of way!

Little to report.........

There is little to report.

The Dodo Hunter has been in touch (he does every month or so when he's single, this has been going on for the last four years pretty much) 

Usual story, FB messages, tells me I have too many barriers that are too high, which is why I'm still single...... we should get together, he likes me, he always did, I should stop being scared and let my barriers down, blah, blah, blah. 

What am I doing Monday, nothing says I, he'll call me to arrange a drink, ok, but if you don't ring tomorrow I won't be available Monday, did he ring? Of course he didn't. I don't imagine that will be the end of that one but neither do I believe that we will meet up again!

Few on the website app's but they all seem to be after one thing and I can't say that I really am! 

Friday.............

We're five days on from the last post and thankfully the spinning and reeling are becoming less frequent.

I've neither heard from or contacted him (the last message is from him)

ET has been a bit of an idiot this week, getting stroppy over what was essentially her fault, I won't go into it further here but it doesn't appear to be a lone incident.

I've pretty much shut myself away after work each day and it's been nice, I've been having a hard time sleeping and it's helped, getting to bed earlier and I hope it's a good sign that my mind is starting to ease and we can start getting back on track, it's still early days though.

I was mean to be out tonight, still not sure I'm ready to face seeing him though, makes going out harder!

In spin mode...............

My little world has lurched between spin and reel for the last week.

On Friday night I went out with Baggage Boy, that was an experience, we went to a car show first, a nice warm evening, a walk in the sunshine, it was good, we then went back to his to get ready, I was getting in the shower when he said 'I'll be in, in a minute' to which I laughed, it wasn't quite so funny a few minutes later when he got in the shower with me, that was rather unexpected.

We had a good night out, cocktails, drinks, gay club following my 'I'm turning lesbian' comment (more straight people than gay I reckon) danced, laughed, noticed how much he looked at women despite having a girlfriend, we got home, went to bed and again he spent all night cuddling me, every time I moved he  moved and got hold of me again, somewhat a strange old situation if you ask me. It certainly confuses matters, I do however now know that I wouldn't go there, I couldn't cope with someone that thinks it's ok to blur lines like he does.

Dodo Hunter has appeared a few times in recent months, usually late at night and I assume after a few drinks, we apparently 'will get it together' at some point, as I was out in his town I sent him a message, he said he wanted to meet up but wasn't prepared to go to the gay club (which I thought was quite funny) he said about meeting for lunch on the Saturday, it of course never happened and to be honest by Saturday I was feeling rather hungover!

On Saturday 22's sister posted a photo of him and her at the pub which has made the chances of running into him all the more real, as soon as  I saw it, it sent me into downward spiral mode, which I have to say isn't a place I'm terribly keen on, 

On Wednesday he sent me a Facebook message, I'd been convinced that I'd never hear from him again, this brought on another complete spin moment, I know I shouldn't have answered, I knew that at the time and I know that now but I wanted him to tell me his 'news' he asked how I was etc, said he had a new phone so hadn't got any message, sent me his new number, I said I'd heard he had some news, he went silent but answered something else, what can I say?! You can lead a horse to water they say......

On Friday I  was sitting at work, at my desk when I decided to have a little Facebook browse, what jumps out, straight in my face? A scan photo, 22 is obviously tagged in it, it's official - the baby has been announced and is due in February, it has so far brought up a few feelings, the first was feeling sick, hurt, anger, wanting to punch him and wanting to cry have all appeared in quick succession, I imagine thinking myself fortunate and the calm will also come soon and hopefully stay longer than the others, thankfully none of those feelings could come out because I was sat at my desk at work.

Half of me wanted to go out and get drunk beyond all recognition, the other half wanted to go home, lock the door and curl up into a little ball, I did however have  date with my god daughter for a girlie night in so I did that instead.

I was meant to go out on Saturday night with ET but to be fair I really wasn't in the mood, when she text me Sat afternoon saying she was already out with one of the two blokes she's been 'seeing' I decided that I really couldn't bear being third wheel (a term she'd used when I had asked her if she wanted to come out with Baggage Boy and I the week before) so I tucked up on the sofa and got stuck into some more movies, my head is literally like a phone at the moment when you have too many apps open and it freezes, everything is jaunty and not functioning as it should.

I'm definitely at 'shut myself away from the world' stage again, I know it's not healthy and I shouldn't do it but currently when I'm out all I want to do is get home, lock my front door and not have to put on the happy face any more, I also don't know what I would do currently if'/when I come face to face with him which I  know will happen sooner or later, I guess me not going out lessens the chances significantly though.

It's now Monday and there are five more days to get through, I'm hoping work will be busier this week to give me less time to think about things.

Just when you thought it was safe to come out of the water...........

I won't have to see him for months she said, he'll not be able to come out for ages she said.................

I had my hair done on Wednesday, his sister in law just happens to be my hairdresser.......

She says he's staying with them until he's better, they are only up the top of the village, she says he went to the pub the night he got out, the pub that I go to, that soon made the news land I tell you.

I don't want to see him, I want months to lick my wounds and get over it before I see him again, I didn't think I might bump into him at any moment like I do now.

He's meant to be in a village 8 miles away, where he can't get over because he's totally broken himself, not be just up the road where he could appear at any minute.

ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It just keeps getting better...................... :-(

So, I never replied to the message that made me feel hurt, I never stopped thinking about it though or hurting, a few times I've closed the front door and the tears have come with the relief of finally being on my own and able to feel as upset as I do.

Had plans to see ET at a Beer Festival on Saturday night, can't say I was terribly looking forward to it but when I say I'll do something I usually do. I was picked up by ET's ex, a lovely guy, on the way to the Beer Festival he talked about 22's accident, showed us where it had happened (which makes me think he was drunk as it's probably the straightest bit of road along that stretch) it turns out he had apparently been taking people home after a night out in town (we knew about the night out bit already as I'd seen him in town) I would say he was going home, the conversation was rather awkward, especially when ET's ex said that he was probably going back to town to get laid, uncomfortable that one!

We got in the pub and walked straight into his Mum, who doesn't like me, that was fun.

We went outside watching the bands, when ET said she had something that she had to tell me but didn't really want to.

Her daughter is 21 and had been round her Nan's the night before, her Nan had been telling her about her Aunt's friend who had been seeing this 'poor lad' who had been involved in a terrible accident two weeks before and who was, wait for it, here is the killer.......... 12 weeks pregnant with his baby.

He apparently asked her to have a termination and told her that he doesn't want it but she is going ahead anyway and is very happy about it, she already has two kids, she has also, been to the hospital to see him.

I was a bit gobsmacked if I'm honest, I've spent the last two weeks hurt and worried sick and then this news lands, I'm not sure it has really 'landed' with me yet if I'm honest, I think it will, probably at some point soon but at the moment it's still sinking in, I'm still hoping it's really someone else, although I obviously know it's not, so I guess there endeth this story.

Dodo Hunter keeps making a Facebook message reappearance saying that something is meant to happen between us, bless him.

I said to Baggage Boy yesterday that if you put 1000 men in a room and 999 were nice, I would still pick the one that was a cunt, I'm not sure that's an exaggeration, that does seem to be how life works for me.

I don't know where my luck comes from, I'm not sure what I feel at the moment but it's certainly not a very happy, fluffy place, I could happily shut myself away from the world and sleep forever at the moment, work is hard going, I don't want to be there and some idiot is never far from my mind at the moment, why do I do this to myself?!

Am seeing the Best Friend for curry tonight, much needed but I don't really want to do people at the moment!