Thursday 21 January 2016

Men are strange creatures...........................

The last time I wrote I was about to go on date 10, I did, we went to the cinema, it was nice, film was hilarious, he was as normal all over me from the minute we met, kissing me in the cinema, holding my hand, touching my leg, normal service.

Last week he went a bit quiet, I immediately assumed he had met someone else, we continued talking but it was different, although he mentioned a film that we should go and see.

I left an unanswered text for a couple of days and then responded on Sunday, he responded quickly as normal, he asked if I would like to go out the following Sunday, I said that I thought that if we were going to continue I thought that we would need to make some time for each other.

He responded saying that he'd got a lot going on etc, he wasn't ready for serious but he liked me and we had a good time together.

I responded saying I was fine with the not serious bit but that I wasn't willing to be messed about, I said that it was fine if he had met someone else but that wasn't part of the deal for me, he answered asking if we could still be mates, to which I responded that I didn't think it was a great idea and that he'd not answered my question.

Following a bit of pushing he admitted that he had gone for a drink with someone earlier in the week, I told him that I was disappointed with the fact that I thought he knew me better and would have been honest with me, a few more messages and the conversation was over.

I was quite upset after, not so much because it was over, as it wasn't something that I thought was going to last forever but I think that because he seemed a good person I had hoped that he would restore my faith in men a little bit and I have to say that I really needed that to happen.

I am ashamed to say that I spent most of the evening in real, horrible tears, the sort that come when you are annoyed with yourself, I'm annoyed that I didn't get to call it first, that I pushed him into it but I'm one of those people that needs things finalised and needs to put them to bed.

Monday morning was spent in the same vein, sobby, upset, I feel like I've failed again I think and you get used to having someone that messages you every day and takes an interest in you.

I have really tried to be more open to things, to give them a go even when I'm not completely sure, if I didn't I'd have probably not got past date two this time but I persevered, does that mean that I'm trying harder or that I'm coming more round to the idea of 'settling' that worried me but to be honest I don't think that I am.

Sunday night the guy from before xmas popped up, he does quite regularly, he was talking outfits again and I was in that mood so I ordered one!! It arrived yesterday, I'm not sure it will ever be worn, it highlighted that I need a diet and that those kind of outfits aren't made for boobs.

Monday I was chatting to Space Cadet and we decided to go for dinner, it was a good option, he cheered me up no end with his dodgy dating stories, he is still completely lovely, he is the sort of person that cheers you up just from being around him, he lifted my spirits and made me think that it's not me that's messed up this time.

When we were out he was talking about the friend that I'd met before Christmas, he thankfully has no idea that we talk but he was talking about him in general, I spoke to him by text that night, he was rather excited about the outfit prospect.

Tuesday I went out for dinner with another friend, from years ago, was nice to catch up.

Work has been crap this week, it's not boosting my spirits, thankfully though it's kept my mind off of thinking about things, probably just what I need.

To be fair after the whole six years ago thing I'm pretty sure that there isn't much that I can't get over much more easily than that, I would really like a break when it comes to men though, why can't I just meet someone that is genuine? Or are there none?

Talking of genuine I spoke to Baggage Boy yesterday, he is seeing a woman from Germany who has just left her husband with an 18 month old, he continues to be around and I continue to be grateful that it never went any further, I love him to bits as a friend but he is a complete douche bag!!

It came to mind the other day that parents who have son's in their 20's and 30's have done a pretty awful job of bringing them up and turning them into honest, trustworthy, gentlemen, where did they all go?

Oh Space Cadets brother continues to send me nude pics!!











Tuesday 5 January 2016

Life gets in the way................

Seems ages since I posted, it is ages since I posted.

The last post was about the boy that after date three decided that he wasn't ready for serious, despite him being the one that was driving things.

Well it's now January and we have continued to see each other, which seems surprising I guess, however when I responded to the text I pointed out that serious hadn't entered my head and as far as I was aware we were both at the early stages of getting to know each other, why do men always think that we are the one's that want to do the serious thing? While I don't want to get into something that I know is going nowhere, neither do I want to get serious with someone I'm not nuts about.

He said he liked me and enjoyed spending time with me, so we carried on with the cinema date as planned, he was normal, we went to the cinema and even through the film he had to keep touching and kissing me, not what I would say was the behaviour of someone that didn't want it to continue.

Have I been a fool? Maybe. We have now done 9 dates (it would have been more if it wasn't for me putting a bit of a halt on it)

We've done dinner, he's stayed over, more cinema etc and are going out again tonight.

I found out some interesting facts, like he's allergic to cats (we didn't know this until he had stayed over) he wasn't at all phased by it and went to the Dr to get medication which seems to have solved the problem. He is definitely more keen than I am, I don't know if that's because of the 'I'm not ready for serious' text or just because I'm not feeling it or he's not for me.

I'm rubbish with Christmas etc, it tends to give me a huge case of the blues and depression, this year has been no different for me, I've hardly seem anyone over the break so he's been put off too (although we didn't have anything arranged) I told him before Christmas that I wasn't doing presents for anyone as the car had gone wrong, which solved any issues there.

We've still spoken by text everyday, he still makes the first contact 99/100 times.

Things got a bit more complicated the Saturday before Christmas, the Space Cadet had arranged for us to go to the cinema to see a film that was on a limited release, there were five of us going, SC and I went for lunch and a catch up before picking up one of the others that was coming with us, we were then meeting the other two in Leicester.

I walked into the cafe and wished I'd made a bit of effort with the hair, make up and what I was wearing! One of SC's friends was quite nice!! We had a general chat before the film about what we did, where we lived, he also mentioned the GF had moved out  in general conversation with the others and then went our separate ways after, SC suggested I add the boys on FB as they are into cars and we'd been talking about a project that I wanted to look at, so I did.

A few hours later I got a message saying it was nice to meet me and he'd enjoyed the film, I should get SC to organise more things, I said that it would take a braver and more stupid woman than me to put up with SC, he then clocked my profile picture where I am dressed as a vampire and the outfit conversation started and continued for several days, until New Years Day actually, he's been a bit quieter since we went back to work, he thinks it would be a good idea if I were dressed in a PVC nurses outfit and he were to turn up at the door, I have honestly thought about this idea, in fact I'm still thinking on it, if I'm not ready for serious maybe it's the way forward? Although I'm not sure I could do that with a stranger, I've not even done it with someone I know, although maybe that makes it easier?

Evil Twin is back in the dog house but that seems to happen quite a lot, so I guess we shouldn't be surprised there, she's been as supportive as usual. I ran into 22 on Christmas Eve while out for a drink, as usual he came to talk to me, one the way home he was walking up (he lives round the corner now, really?!) with his best mate, he was asking what happened with his mate, I said nothing, he said his mate had said it was a lot more than that, he asked why him and not the mate, he asked if he could come back for tea, I said no, we text a bit that night, he asked if he could come round, I said no, don't get me wrong, it's not that I wasn't tempted I was but I don't want to be done over twice by the same person, we've continued to talk, including today.

I text ET saying I'd seen him and how alone I felt, she pretty much didn't bother with me over Christmas and New Year and didn't turn up when she was supposed to, sometimes I think friends just aren't worth the hassle they cause, it's not like it's the first time!

I had a friend point out a few days ago that I've never got over w@nk bag and to be fair it's probably true but how do you get over the only person that you have ever loved? I knew it wasn't sustainable, I knew we couldn't stay together and I knew we wouldn't get through life together, that doesn't mean I woke up one day not loving him any more, in all honesty I wish that had happened but it didn't, don't get me wrong if he turned up at my door tomorrow telling me he'd won the lottery and begging me to take him back I still wouldn't but that doesn't mean that somewhere in my heart I wonder if he was the only person I will ever be truly in love with.

Life is a funny old game, I don't know what else to say about it really!!





Wednesday 11 November 2015

I don't know why I bother!!

On the 21st October I matched with this guy and he messaged quite quickly and a lot, he asked if I'd like go for a drink, which we did a week later, we got on really well, he text before I got home to say he'd had a lovely evening and would I like to go out again, to which I said yes. 

We were texting lots, all the time in fact, we went out again a week later and had another nice evening, kissed at the end, again a text before I'd got home checking I'd got back safely and thanking me for a lovely evening. 

More texting and asked me out again, we arranged to go for dinner on Sunday, all the time texting and him being very keen, I expressed to a friend that I thought he might be a bit too nice and a bit keen for me really but that we did get on really well so decided to go with it. 

We met for dinner on Sunday, had another nice evening, he was talking about next time, we kissed again (initiated by him) before I got home the text arrived and we decided on the cinema for date four, we've been chatting lots, he was saying he'd need to find some veggie recipes, he text me on the Monday to say he had tonsillitis which I obviously wasn't keen on catching which caused a bit of joking. 

There has been a serious amount of messaging, both on Tinder and by text and three dates, last one on Sunday, he asked about all of them, he asked about date four, he said last night that he thought we were definitely on for date five, we said goodnight as usual, he text me this morning as usual and then he sent me a message saying he'd had a think and he doesn't think he's ready for anything serious but he'd still be up for going out but he'd understand if I'm not. 

I don't understand how we got here, I don't understand what's gone on at all to be honest, occasionally I think I'll just let it go and take it one day at a time and look what happens, I let myself think there might be more in it and I get let down. 

Is dating really worth it? Is it?

Saturday 26 September 2015

The return of 22.......

So, first time I've been out in the village in ages, planned to have a night out with ET to catch up as we've not seen each other for a while (she's not got a boyfriend so I don't get much of a look in!)

Getting ready when I get a text from ET, all it says is '22's here' oh shit is all that goes through my head, I look in the mirror, I look decent, hairs done, make ups done, top and jeans on, I'm in a better place now I tell myself.

I walked in and had to walk past him to get to where I was going, we said hi, in the minute our eyes met spin reappeared, I downed the vodka, to be fair at a stupid rate, it was always going to end badly.

He came over to me (he is still in casts and on crutches) and talked to me, still there is something there but I wasn't going to let it happen again, his mate came and started talking to me, the one that he'd said I had an admirer, he's sweet, a nice lad, 21 this time, he walked me home, we kissed, thankfully I came to my senses before it went any further, I wasn't reacting because I liked him, I was acting out of hurt, I don't need you and I can walk out with your mate and hurt you too!!

The next day I was going out with baggage boy and the four year old to the air museum, boy did I feel rough! I told BB what had happened and he laughed at me as usual!
We had a lovely day but a little painful too, we looked like a family, a little boy between us holding our hands and calling us to look at things, I took a beautiful photo of them both while they weren't looking, it's his cover photo on FB, it made me see what I'm missing, although I'd still not want it with him or to do it on my own.

22 text me the next day while I was with BB to ask what happened, I said nothing, he didn't believe me I don't think but then I guess it's none of his business, he hurt me before him and still we are nowhere near even on that score (Not that I intend to even it up anymore!)

On the even up note, Too Soon is cheating on the girl from the night I put his drink over his head, I find that quite amusing in a sadistic, twisted kind of way!

Tuesday 1 September 2015

Little to report.........

There is little to report.

The Dodo Hunter has been in touch (he does every month or so when he's single, this has been going on for the last four years pretty much) 

Usual story, FB messages, tells me I have too many barriers that are too high, which is why I'm still single...... we should get together, he likes me, he always did, I should stop being scared and let my barriers down, blah, blah, blah. 

What am I doing Monday, nothing says I, he'll call me to arrange a drink, ok, but if you don't ring tomorrow I won't be available Monday, did he ring? Of course he didn't. I don't imagine that will be the end of that one but neither do I believe that we will meet up again!

Few on the website app's but they all seem to be after one thing and I can't say that I really am! 

Friday 14 August 2015

Friday.............

We're five days on from the last post and thankfully the spinning and reeling are becoming less frequent.

I've neither heard from or contacted him (the last message is from him)

ET has been a bit of an idiot this week, getting stroppy over what was essentially her fault, I won't go into it further here but it doesn't appear to be a lone incident.

I've pretty much shut myself away after work each day and it's been nice, I've been having a hard time sleeping and it's helped, getting to bed earlier and I hope it's a good sign that my mind is starting to ease and we can start getting back on track, it's still early days though.

I was mean to be out tonight, still not sure I'm ready to face seeing him though, makes going out harder!




Monday 10 August 2015

In spin mode...............

My little world has lurched between spin and reel for the last week.

On Friday night I went out with Baggage Boy, that was an experience, we went to a car show first, a nice warm evening, a walk in the sunshine, it was good, we then went back to his to get ready, I was getting in the shower when he said 'I'll be in, in a minute' to which I laughed, it wasn't quite so funny a few minutes later when he got in the shower with me, that was rather unexpected.

We had a good night out, cocktails, drinks, gay club following my 'I'm turning lesbian' comment (more straight people than gay I reckon) danced, laughed, noticed how much he looked at women despite having a girlfriend, we got home, went to bed and again he spent all night cuddling me, every time I moved he  moved and got hold of me again, somewhat a strange old situation if you ask me. It certainly confuses matters, I do however now know that I wouldn't go there, I couldn't cope with someone that thinks it's ok to blur lines like he does.

Dodo Hunter has appeared a few times in recent months, usually late at night and I assume after a few drinks, we apparently 'will get it together' at some point, as I was out in his town I sent him a message, he said he wanted to meet up but wasn't prepared to go to the gay club (which I thought was quite funny) he said about meeting for lunch on the Saturday, it of course never happened and to be honest by Saturday I was feeling rather hungover!

On Saturday 22's sister posted a photo of him and her at the pub which has made the chances of running into him all the more real, as soon as  I saw it, it sent me into downward spiral mode, which I have to say isn't a place I'm terribly keen on, 

On Wednesday he sent me a Facebook message, I'd been convinced that I'd never hear from him again, this brought on another complete spin moment, I know I shouldn't have answered, I knew that at the time and I know that now but I wanted him to tell me his 'news' he asked how I was etc, said he had a new phone so hadn't got any message, sent me his new number, I said I'd heard he had some news, he went silent but answered something else, what can I say?! You can lead a horse to water they say......

On Friday I  was sitting at work, at my desk when I decided to have a little Facebook browse, what jumps out, straight in my face? A scan photo, 22 is obviously tagged in it, it's official - the baby has been announced and is due in February, it has so far brought up a few feelings, the first was feeling sick, hurt, anger, wanting to punch him and wanting to cry have all appeared in quick succession, I imagine thinking myself fortunate and the calm will also come soon and hopefully stay longer than the others, thankfully none of those feelings could come out because I was sat at my desk at work.

Half of me wanted to go out and get drunk beyond all recognition, the other half wanted to go home, lock the door and curl up into a little ball, I did however have  date with my god daughter for a girlie night in so I did that instead.

I was meant to go out on Saturday night with ET but to be fair I really wasn't in the mood, when she text me Sat afternoon saying she was already out with one of the two blokes she's been 'seeing' I decided that I really couldn't bear being third wheel (a term she'd used when I had asked her if she wanted to come out with Baggage Boy and I the week before) so I tucked up on the sofa and got stuck into some more movies, my head is literally like a phone at the moment when you have too many apps open and it freezes, everything is jaunty and not functioning as it should.

I'm definitely at 'shut myself away from the world' stage again, I know it's not healthy and I shouldn't do it but currently when I'm out all I want to do is get home, lock my front door and not have to put on the happy face any more, I also don't know what I would do currently if'/when I come face to face with him which I  know will happen sooner or later, I guess me not going out lessens the chances significantly though.

It's now Monday and there are five more days to get through, I'm hoping work will be busier this week to give me less time to think about things.