Tuesday 2 August 2016

The Storm came in.......................

He phoned me on the way back from the garage, his signal kept going though so we didn't get to talk.

He then phoned me back later in the evening, I got two minutes before he had to go as there was someone at the door (yeah I bet there was) so I never got to ask. 

I waited and waited and waited for him to call but he didn't, on Friday morning I sent him a message saying 'I think I've found something of yours, seems you forgot about it'

I knew he'd think it was the divorce papers photo that I send him fairly regularly, he responded with a photo of my cleavage, I was fairly outraged when that came back if I'm honest, for one that isn't his and for two how very dare he!! 

So I responded with a screenshot of her FB page including her in a relationship with him and a comment saying 'I was thinking more of this'

He then responded saying he had would call me after he'd finished this counselling thing that I knew about following his Dad's death, I waited and waited and waited again, I finally got in the shower and got out to a missed call, I called him back and he didn't answer, he finally called me back. 

My heart literally jumped into my mouth
He tried niceties, I said they weren't relevant and it was time to explain himself. 
He told me that before we had met he had told her that he didn't love her or want to be with her anymore, I asked how far he had intended on taking things with me, he said that he had nearly told me on date two but had bottled it and that he was going to tell me when we were supposed to meet that day but it obviously hadn't happened, I don't know if I believe him about that if I'm honest. 
So I asked if she was his lodger, he said yes, that it was his house but she had paid for a lot of things so they needed to sort out money etc, again I don't know if I believe him. 

He apologised but in my honest opinion not enough, he said that although he regretted not telling me he didn't regret the time we'd spent together (that makes one of us!) as it was some of the best time he's spent in ages and the only time he'd not spent being upset over his Dad. 

My head has literally been spinning ever since, I meet someone that I can finally see a future with and it ends like this, he has a girlfriend!

I don't know that I shouldn't tell her to be honest, he's told me since that the spent the weekend trying to sort out finances etc but I just don't believe him anymore, he's been quiet since he's been found out, I don't think I'd be quiet if I was genuinely sorry, or if I'd met someone that I thought was a bit special, maybe that's the problem. 

He has told me that the chemistry wasn't one sided and he'd felt it too, the thing is now I guess that he could say anything, it doesn't matter to him anymore. 

While he was on the phone I told him that anytime I think I'm going to make a twattish decision I ask myself if it would have made my Granddad proud of me (I literally loved him with all my heart and he died when I was just 8, some 30 years ago! I think of him more than ever when I'm hurting and boy am I hurting!) He went silent when I said it, I don't think he knew what to say he told me that he had never thought of it like that, that no his Dad wouldn't have been proud of him for what he's done, he said that in actual fact his Dad would have kicked his arse for it, I told him that my Gramp would have kicked his arse for it too. (I was his little Princess, I think that's why I carry on my search for Mr Perfect, because in actual fact no one will ever match up to that image I have of the only real man I've ever had in my life) 

He's mentioned that a few times since, he's said he just can't get it out of his head, I guess that's good. 

When we spoke by text yesterday he said that he was sorry for getting me involved in all this and that our chat had really helped with his thinking, I told him that our little chat had actually taken up three months of my fucking life, he said that he didn't realise it had been that long and his head is muddled, it seems to be all about him, however he is the one that set out to deceive, lie and hurt me, I didn't know about any of it, I would have never even bothered to meet him if I had. 

I do wonder if he is only answering me so I don't tell her what he's been doing, do I want to tell her? I don't know is the honest answer, part of me does, partly to hurt her, partly to try and make me feel better and partly because if I was in her situation I would want to know if I was in her situation. 

I think what he has done is so much worse than going out and shagging someone, that isn't premeditated and doesn't mean an emotional connection or deceiving someone for months at a time. 

I'm angry with myself, I can't work out if I've missed the signs, I can't work out if maybe there weren't any signs, I don't believe he's staying at his Mum's as he says and not living with her, she put a post up on Sunday on Instagram but it was more of a 'you've annoyed me' than 'I'm splitting up with my boyfriend' 

I spoke to a friend over the weekend, she just went 'you've fallen haven't you' I couldn't say yes, I can't bring myself to but that chemistry doesn't happen often for me. 

Baggage Boy has also been calling every day, he say's he's worried about me as I'm never one to get bothered over a guy, I think this will make me even worse than normal, do I actually ask if they have a girlfriend now?

Is that how life needs to work?











Thursday 28 July 2016

The tears in the eeeeeekkkkkkkkk...................

I went on date 2 last week with the Service Station Guy, it was AMAZING, seriously best date ever, we went to a forest where you can walk with the monkeys, hottest day of the year, he was great, we got on from the word go again, he kept telling me how great I looked (I just had shorts, top, no makeup as it was far too hot and hair scraped back into a ponytail) he spent the day kissing me, holding my hand, couldn't get close enough.

We walked around the monkeys a few times, then spent a couple of hours sat on the grass talking, he asked why I was on my own, I told him about W@nk Bag and that I struggle with getting the 'spark' with people, I can honestly say that it wasn't missing this time, there was chemistry flying about everywhere. I asked him, he said his two long terms had been with a girl that had cheated on him and another that was a bit mad.

We then went over to an amazing garden, had a walk around the lake, things really did get a bit heated and if it hadn't been quite so public I'd hate to think what might have happened. I can't remember a time when I've been more hopeful of actually meeting someone with that level of chemistry.

We eventually left and he text me later that evening, I went to bed and woke up happier than I've been for a long time, I decided that for once I ought to give it a go without all the barriers up, I spent the day with friends but couldn't get him out of my head, I couldn't stop smiling.

We'd been chatting and I said that I'd really like to see him again soon, he said that he would too.

I wish this story ended there.........

We've been following each other on Instagram since the start of May when we matched, a new photo popped up, it was one he'd sent me but when I looked at the comments it mentioned a car show, where I'd known he'd been because he told me but he told me he didn't know where it was, however the comment said he'd been going for the last 10 years, you'd think he'd know after 9 years.......

Another comment from a girl that said 'love this place' not loved but love, maybe it's just a friend I thought, ex possibly, or actually maybe it's just an innocent comment........ I had to find out, new Instagram account opened, sent follow request, to be honest I didn't want to find anything, desperately wanted it to be innocent. She accepted the next day, seems she was at LeMans with him in June (when he was messaging me) she was in France with him in May (when he was messaging me) so lots is going through my head at this point, they could still be friends, I'm friends with my ex's (apart from one and I wouldn't pee on him if he were on fire!) one of the hashtags was 'mylove' which seemed pretty conclusive but it was in June and was before we actually met, although still 6 weeks after we'd matched and had been chatting.

I struggled to see anything with them together after mid June, still hopeful.

Then I went to find her on Facebook, it was a difficult task but finally we got there, it said she was 'in a relationship since 2009' seemed fairly conclusive that, but he had told me about the girl that cheated on him, maybe she'd not changed it she'd gone from one to the other? Last photo I found on there of them together was December, again plausible (yeah I was totally fooling myself)

Then I look for him on Facebook, nothing, nada, nowt, not that strange some people don't do Facebook, but I remembered him keep coming up on suggested when he first added me on Whatsapp, maybe he'd deleted his account (I have friends that do this all the time) then a little light bulb moment, you can't have a Tinder account without a Facebook account, they are directly linked.

So, I logged in as someone else, hey presto, there he is, he'd obviously blocked me! Not much to see though, no photo's with her and nothing displayed for a relationship status (I also display nothing, if I put single I'm inundated with guys I know messaging me and I've not been in a significant enough relationship to change that, when me and WB split I changed it not to show, because I didn't want my friends list to publicly see my heart breaking in front of them)

Thing is when I then checked hers her relationship status changed slightly, it said in a relationship with him since 2009, obviously I couldn't see it while I was blocked, seemed like proof positive.

So on Wednesday I had woken up unable to keep the smile off my face by Friday I was struggling to keep back the tears, I couldn't decide what to do, I nearly text him, then stopped myself, then I thought I'd phone him and stopped myself, thought about sending her the screen shots of my Tinder with his profile and some of the messages he's sent me, some are filthy, some very intimate, some telling me how much he likes me, enjoyed kissing me, didn't want to stop, some naked one's of him (thank god I never returned them!)

I sent him a message asking how long he'd been single, he never responded but responded the next day asking how my day was, I'd still not decided so responded as 'normally' as I could, then we had a conversation where I got mad at myself, it was almost like I'd forgotten he had a girlfriend and let the feelings get to me once again, he suggested that we meet up on Friday as he was going to be off work still, I said yes I'd take the day off. That kind of made my mind up, meet him and ask him to his face.

I went to see my best friend and told her the whole sorry story, she said that I should give him the chance to explain, she reminded me that when my big split was happening I'd told no one, changed nothing and she said that the GF could be doing the same, I liked to hold a bit of hope.

So we've been chatting normally since, yesterday he told me there was a problem with the car, I took that straight away that he was going to cancel on me and making excuses (he's not posted that the car is sick on social media so I assume that is also a lie)

Today he has cancelled, apologising, asking me not to send him the divorce papers (a long standing joke, he calls me his wife) I spoke to the best friend, gutted I wasn't able to see his face when I asked him, decided on a call, I called and he didn't answer, sent me a message saying he'd call me when he 'gets out of here' (the garage) and so far nothing, I'm loathe to give him anymore time but now I sit here getting angrier by the minute it's just not helping the case.

I have to admit to feeling a little devastated, for the first time in ages I've met someone that I could get excited about getting to know. :-(





















Monday 11 July 2016

Service Station Dating...............

So, we met on Friday at the services, the ice was broken because he was South bound and I was North, he blamed my hair colour!

The minute we saw each other he wrapped me in his arms like we'd known each other for ever, weirdly I was completely fine with that.

It was nice, he was very sweet, nice to spend time with, He touched my hand on the table, picked it up and kissed it and I'm sure that there was a little electricity.

I was about to drive off and he bounded out of the car, opened my door and grabbed me to kiss me again, saying he couldn't let me go without kissing me again, he said he would like us to see each other again but I'll be out with friends when he is coming back so I'm not sure when/if we'll manage a date two but I certainly had a nice start to the weekend.

Prince Harry has been in touch this weekend, he annoys me sometimes, over the weekend I've got varying messages from just an x to how are you, right through to, well we won't go there! I don't know how long he's away for but he said a few weeks when we spoke last week, he has posted some photos and yes he does look bloody hot in them!

That's about all of my news currently!

Friday 8 July 2016

A quick run down...............

So, works improved, I got a payrise (yippee!!)

The love life hasn't changed really, the Engineer was keen to get me out for dinner last time he was in the UK, but I had newborns who needed me so didn't go (maybe it was also a little bit of an excuse!) he's messaged a few times and is now back in China (probably due back here again soon) I can't imagine that I'll be seeing him again if I'm honest though, I think it's terribly hard to sustain something so new when he's away for a month at a time, although I'm not sure that if the attraction was enough it would work itself out and I'd be more keen, I am a literal dating nightmare I think, I was perfect and anything less just isn't enough.

I've been out on another couple of dates, this time with Prince Harry (seriously there is an uncanny resemblance!) He's a bit shorter than I'd like, he say's he's 5'11 but I think more 5'9, he is cute but I'd say he's probably a little better in photo's than real life. He's a bit keen on getting into my knickers but I think he's realised that's not going to be a quick option.

He is the same age as me, in the army (20 years) born in Ireland but Welsh and sounds Welsh (well he does to me anyway) we've seen each other twice, he has talked about going out again but he's now off to work in Belfast for the next few weeks so that kind of puts a hold on that one, do I want to wait? I don't know if I'm honest, he's actually quite nice to spend a bit of time with, when he's not being so full on with the messages, but then last weekend I didn't hear from him until Monday morning, so I'm really not sure if I'm honest, after the first date I wasn't too bothered about a second one but was swung a little by his new FB photos (shallow? maybe, so shoot me!) Second date still not sure, nearly didn't go but had quite a nice time, so we'll see.

I'm seeing another guy tonight, we've been chatting for a while, he' s another huge motorsport fan, lives miles away, but is heading out to France so will be passing, we're going to meet this evening, he sounds lovely on message but we'll see! We are going to call him Monkey Boy, he didn't have this name when I wrote this but I'm updating a year later, I can't call him what his name is on my phone, as it's far too rude!

I'll try to improve my updating frequency!

Tuesday 17 May 2016

Catching Up..... it's been a while............

I’ve said it before, life really does get in the way, the guy I’d been seeing before Christmas re-materialised and contacted me on the dating site again (I was out and photo’s didn’t show up so I’d responded before realising who it was) we chatted for a bit, he asked if I fancied doing something and I have to admit I wasn't sure, conversation continued on and off for a little while but we’ve still not seen each other.

The Space Cadets friend is still on the scene, a night in a hotel just might happen yet but I’m still not sure (I'm such a ditherer with these things!) we talk probably weekly or so, he’s nice because the talk never gets to the ‘wrong’ stage like a lot of guys these days take it to, he knows when to stop which I like, I've seen Space Cadet a couple of times since and his name always comes up, but I’m sure he doesn't know that the friend and I still chat.

I'm not sure I've mentioned SC’s brother? We met a few years ago at a race and have kept in touch since, he flirts terribly with me (he has a GF) sends me snapchats (yes, that kind!) and we catch up occasionally for dinner, movies, kitten cuddles etc but it has been a while since I've seen him, he suggested coming over a couple of weeks ago and came over last week, in a vest type top with his very lovely shoulders out and smelling amazing, he was definitely trying to impress but he’s not got so much flirtation in person, we had a really nice evening, turns out our cars also match!!

The dating sites are much like hard work, the only other dates I’ve been on this year are with a trainee Prison Officer who was really  nice but we had nothing in common with and a guy that works in my building, we met online, discovered we both worked in the same place, he left me flowers at the door, we went for a drink but he obviously thought that a bunch of supermarket flowers was going to be the path into my knickers, how wrong he was, we never saw each other again and I’m always hopeful that I don’t bump into him as I come and go at work.

Baggage Boy, what can I say? Another very lucky escape there, he is madly in love with yet another woman (in the time since we stopped seeing each other he has literally had more women than I have clean pants and I have a lot!) he introduces them all to his poor little confused boy, which makes me mad, kids don’t need to grow up thinking women are disposable or that Daddy introduces him to every woman that walks but there is nothing I can do about it, no wonder his Mum is so stroppy!

Oh I have been on two other dates (terrible to forget really) he is an engineer and works a month in the UK and a month in China, we met twice when he was in the UK last, we have a lot in common and he races cars which obviously had my interest but I just don’t find him particularly attractive and that is a problem he is due back from China tomorrow and I’m not sure I want to go to date three but we do have kittens due so I won’t be going anywhere for a bit now, he’s been in touch every few days while he’s been away but I don’t think that is enough to sustain things at the stage we are at currently, I kind of like the thought of someone not being here all the time but he did try to high five me on a date and that felt kind of weird if I’m honest.

So, I’ve been having a crappy time at work, a big restructure has been going on and it’s not nice not knowing whether you have a job or not, the last few weeks have been particularly taxing, so much so that the Friday night I was so fed up that I went out and got wasted beyond all sense, only for the second time this year to be honest but it just happened to be on a night that 22 was out, yep you guessed it, a repeat performance, what I didn’t realise until about a week later was that it was May Day weekend, so I repeated the same mistake, on a the same weekend a year later, just brilliant, I excelled myself, now why wasn’t the mistake made with SC’s friend? That would have been at least a half sensible decision, however I have decided to look at the positive of ‘sometimes you need to get under it to get over it’ and I am certainly over that one!

I seem to have this thing about May Day, every year if I’m going to get into trouble that is when it happens, I turn into a total monster and can’t control myself, hey ho, it’s done now, I’ll try to remember not to go out next year!

The friend that would like me to have his baby is still around, he still mentions it probably weekly, I’m still not saying yes!

Dodo Hunter still pops up from time to time, tells me how much he likes me, wants to see me, disappears! I think it will always be like that. 

Something has thrown me a little bit though w@nk bag is due to have a baby, part of me is devastated as I was ready to settle down, have babies and he said he never wanted to, I know time changes things but I still can’t help to feel done over, in another way I feel like once it’s happened it is the final stab to the heart, there is nothing else that he can do to hurt me after this and I’m glad about that but it’s overdue and I just want it to be over, I was his nephew to announce it so that I can have 24 hours to lick my wounds and then get on with life, I have to admit though that I do hope it is ugly, I don’t mean a little bit, I mean hit every branch of the ugly tree and got both of it’s parents genes, I know you’ll think I’m mean but I guess that’s just the way it is, maybe I am but I’ll live with that, I know you should forgive but I’m not sure I can.


Thursday 21 January 2016

Men are strange creatures...........................

The last time I wrote I was about to go on date 10, I did, we went to the cinema, it was nice, film was hilarious, he was as normal all over me from the minute we met, kissing me in the cinema, holding my hand, touching my leg, normal service.

Last week he went a bit quiet, I immediately assumed he had met someone else, we continued talking but it was different, although he mentioned a film that we should go and see.

I left an unanswered text for a couple of days and then responded on Sunday, he responded quickly as normal, he asked if I would like to go out the following Sunday, I said that I thought that if we were going to continue I thought that we would need to make some time for each other.

He responded saying that he'd got a lot going on etc, he wasn't ready for serious but he liked me and we had a good time together.

I responded saying I was fine with the not serious bit but that I wasn't willing to be messed about, I said that it was fine if he had met someone else but that wasn't part of the deal for me, he answered asking if we could still be mates, to which I responded that I didn't think it was a great idea and that he'd not answered my question.

Following a bit of pushing he admitted that he had gone for a drink with someone earlier in the week, I told him that I was disappointed with the fact that I thought he knew me better and would have been honest with me, a few more messages and the conversation was over.

I was quite upset after, not so much because it was over, as it wasn't something that I thought was going to last forever but I think that because he seemed a good person I had hoped that he would restore my faith in men a little bit and I have to say that I really needed that to happen.

I am ashamed to say that I spent most of the evening in real, horrible tears, the sort that come when you are annoyed with yourself, I'm annoyed that I didn't get to call it first, that I pushed him into it but I'm one of those people that needs things finalised and needs to put them to bed.

Monday morning was spent in the same vein, sobby, upset, I feel like I've failed again I think and you get used to having someone that messages you every day and takes an interest in you.

I have really tried to be more open to things, to give them a go even when I'm not completely sure, if I didn't I'd have probably not got past date two this time but I persevered, does that mean that I'm trying harder or that I'm coming more round to the idea of 'settling' that worried me but to be honest I don't think that I am.

Sunday night the guy from before xmas popped up, he does quite regularly, he was talking outfits again and I was in that mood so I ordered one!! It arrived yesterday, I'm not sure it will ever be worn, it highlighted that I need a diet and that those kind of outfits aren't made for boobs.

Monday I was chatting to Space Cadet and we decided to go for dinner, it was a good option, he cheered me up no end with his dodgy dating stories, he is still completely lovely, he is the sort of person that cheers you up just from being around him, he lifted my spirits and made me think that it's not me that's messed up this time.

When we were out he was talking about the friend that I'd met before Christmas, he thankfully has no idea that we talk but he was talking about him in general, I spoke to him by text that night, he was rather excited about the outfit prospect.

Tuesday I went out for dinner with another friend, from years ago, was nice to catch up.

Work has been crap this week, it's not boosting my spirits, thankfully though it's kept my mind off of thinking about things, probably just what I need.

To be fair after the whole six years ago thing I'm pretty sure that there isn't much that I can't get over much more easily than that, I would really like a break when it comes to men though, why can't I just meet someone that is genuine? Or are there none?

Talking of genuine I spoke to Baggage Boy yesterday, he is seeing a woman from Germany who has just left her husband with an 18 month old, he continues to be around and I continue to be grateful that it never went any further, I love him to bits as a friend but he is a complete douche bag!!

It came to mind the other day that parents who have son's in their 20's and 30's have done a pretty awful job of bringing them up and turning them into honest, trustworthy, gentlemen, where did they all go?

Oh Space Cadets brother continues to send me nude pics!!











Tuesday 5 January 2016

Life gets in the way................

Seems ages since I posted, it is ages since I posted.

The last post was about the boy that after date three decided that he wasn't ready for serious, despite him being the one that was driving things.

Well it's now January and we have continued to see each other, which seems surprising I guess, however when I responded to the text I pointed out that serious hadn't entered my head and as far as I was aware we were both at the early stages of getting to know each other, why do men always think that we are the one's that want to do the serious thing? While I don't want to get into something that I know is going nowhere, neither do I want to get serious with someone I'm not nuts about.

He said he liked me and enjoyed spending time with me, so we carried on with the cinema date as planned, he was normal, we went to the cinema and even through the film he had to keep touching and kissing me, not what I would say was the behaviour of someone that didn't want it to continue.

Have I been a fool? Maybe. We have now done 9 dates (it would have been more if it wasn't for me putting a bit of a halt on it)

We've done dinner, he's stayed over, more cinema etc and are going out again tonight.

I found out some interesting facts, like he's allergic to cats (we didn't know this until he had stayed over) he wasn't at all phased by it and went to the Dr to get medication which seems to have solved the problem. He is definitely more keen than I am, I don't know if that's because of the 'I'm not ready for serious' text or just because I'm not feeling it or he's not for me.

I'm rubbish with Christmas etc, it tends to give me a huge case of the blues and depression, this year has been no different for me, I've hardly seem anyone over the break so he's been put off too (although we didn't have anything arranged) I told him before Christmas that I wasn't doing presents for anyone as the car had gone wrong, which solved any issues there.

We've still spoken by text everyday, he still makes the first contact 99/100 times.

Things got a bit more complicated the Saturday before Christmas, the Space Cadet had arranged for us to go to the cinema to see a film that was on a limited release, there were five of us going, SC and I went for lunch and a catch up before picking up one of the others that was coming with us, we were then meeting the other two in Leicester.

I walked into the cafe and wished I'd made a bit of effort with the hair, make up and what I was wearing! One of SC's friends was quite nice!! We had a general chat before the film about what we did, where we lived, he also mentioned the GF had moved out  in general conversation with the others and then went our separate ways after, SC suggested I add the boys on FB as they are into cars and we'd been talking about a project that I wanted to look at, so I did.

A few hours later I got a message saying it was nice to meet me and he'd enjoyed the film, I should get SC to organise more things, I said that it would take a braver and more stupid woman than me to put up with SC, he then clocked my profile picture where I am dressed as a vampire and the outfit conversation started and continued for several days, until New Years Day actually, he's been a bit quieter since we went back to work, he thinks it would be a good idea if I were dressed in a PVC nurses outfit and he were to turn up at the door, I have honestly thought about this idea, in fact I'm still thinking on it, if I'm not ready for serious maybe it's the way forward? Although I'm not sure I could do that with a stranger, I've not even done it with someone I know, although maybe that makes it easier?

Evil Twin is back in the dog house but that seems to happen quite a lot, so I guess we shouldn't be surprised there, she's been as supportive as usual. I ran into 22 on Christmas Eve while out for a drink, as usual he came to talk to me, one the way home he was walking up (he lives round the corner now, really?!) with his best mate, he was asking what happened with his mate, I said nothing, he said his mate had said it was a lot more than that, he asked why him and not the mate, he asked if he could come back for tea, I said no, we text a bit that night, he asked if he could come round, I said no, don't get me wrong, it's not that I wasn't tempted I was but I don't want to be done over twice by the same person, we've continued to talk, including today.

I text ET saying I'd seen him and how alone I felt, she pretty much didn't bother with me over Christmas and New Year and didn't turn up when she was supposed to, sometimes I think friends just aren't worth the hassle they cause, it's not like it's the first time!

I had a friend point out a few days ago that I've never got over w@nk bag and to be fair it's probably true but how do you get over the only person that you have ever loved? I knew it wasn't sustainable, I knew we couldn't stay together and I knew we wouldn't get through life together, that doesn't mean I woke up one day not loving him any more, in all honesty I wish that had happened but it didn't, don't get me wrong if he turned up at my door tomorrow telling me he'd won the lottery and begging me to take him back I still wouldn't but that doesn't mean that somewhere in my heart I wonder if he was the only person I will ever be truly in love with.

Life is a funny old game, I don't know what else to say about it really!!