The weekend is coming..................

And unusually for a weekend I'm feeling far more aprehensive about it than I am looking forward to it, my stomach is already in knots and I have three whole days to get through before I see him. I'm hoping that when I look at him I don't feel anything other than 'you lying wanker' I'm hoping I don't feel what I have when we have met, or when we have talked, we will see I guess.

I still need to find something to wear and it looks like it's now going to be cold, which isn't going to help me! So this week has been one of mixed emotions, I guess I shouldn't have expected any more really, I hope Saturday draws a line under it all but will it?

 So, I got message from Prince Harry again this week, he'd messaged me last week saying he was back for a night and did I want to go over, I said no, I was in a state emotionally anyway so the timing would have been bad, Monday I got another one, saying he was back for the day, I said no again, Tuesday I got another one, and all that popped into my head was 'fuck it, why not' so I went over.

Just as I was about to leave I checked my facebook, only to have a suggested friend of, guess who?

So, he'd unblocked me, I guess to look at my friends list, which isn't visible, I worried about what he could see, so logged out and looked, I saw that all he could see was a couple of my profile photos and cover photos, so I was ok with that. Couldn't quite work it out though and he wormed his way back into my thoughts with the 'what's he playing at' checked hers, still 'in a relationship with' weird, just weird.

So saw Prince Harry, he's much nicer in person than he is by message, I'm not sure that he realises how he comes across in his messages, it was a nice evening, he spent it telling me how sexy I am, that that I'm amazing and my touch renders him useless, all nice things to hear but it makes you wonder how someone else can't see it doesn't it? Apparently he's very impressed with what I can do with my tongue, my clothes remained on at all times, I wasn't about to make a stupid mistake because my head wasn't in the right place, it was a welcome distraction to be honest, although HE was still in the back of my mind all of the time I was there.

I am TOTALLY confused.

Thinking about thinking.....................

I had a great day out at racing with my boys at the weekend, the sun shone, race fuel smelt amazing and I was around people that should genuinely be prescribed on the NHS for depression. I still thought of him but definitely less than I have done, mainly because we were having a nice time I think. I made some decisions on Friday, that I was going to message him today giving him two options, option a was that he meets me on Saturday when I am in Chester to discuss things, option b was that I send his non girlfriend, girlfriend copies of his Tinder profile and every message that he ever sent me. including the one of his lying on her bed with his hand down his pants telling me he was 'ready and waiting' so this morning at 10:30 that's exactly what I did, I also gave him a two hour deadline to respond, which I thought was fair. He read the message straight away and I got a message back within minutes saying that he was off work on Friday and could meet me then if that helped. I responded saying that I was only there for the day Saturday and it needed to be before I left so he said he finished work at 4:30/5 which would fit in with what I'm doing so I said that was fine, I asked that he find somewhere to meet and it wasn't a pub, he asked if I was going to throw a pint over him and I said I don't believe in wasting alcohol but that I wanted to be able to talk to him without anyone over hearing or having to watch what I say (I swear a lot at the best of times) I then suggested that we meet in another forest so that I wouldn't have to drag his body too far, I'm only half joking to be honest, I'd quite like him dead.......... Do I feel better? No, but I hope I will. In an ideal world I'll see him on Saturday and due to the lies and deception I'll feel nothing for him and be able to walk away with my head held high and the answers I need. I'm not really sure what the questions are yet though but I have a few days. I now have a little dilemma for Saturday, I'm going to be stewarding all day so it's an early morning, followed by a long drive, followed by a long day where my head and body will both be worked, I then have to be ready to see him in half an hour and I want to look great, I want to walk away and him to think 'fuck' I screwed that one up! Not really sure how I'm going to pull that one off but I'll try. Now, I've lost a bit of weight recently, just under two stone in 16 weeks but suddenly everyone is noticing and keep telling me how great I look, one of the Directors I work for emailed me last week and told me I was 'looking well yesterday and must have had a good holiday' I was a little embarrassed, responding thank you and that I'd only been to Stoke, his response was that I am a 'fine recommendation for Stoke' I wore a Black Dress to work today and one of the girls I work with (the only one that know's the situation) said that she thinks I look amazing and ought to go in this on Saturday, it's been a week full of compliments which is nice but there is still that nagging feeling at the back of my mind that I'm not good enough (for him) I guess. I've been talking to my old school friend today (that asks me to have his baby) he says that he doesn't appreciate what he's missing and he's nuts, in fact I think a lot of the boys think he is, oh what happens when they lob a chemistry set at you, if only it happened with some of the decent guys I know.

As I sit here.................................

At my desk I wonder if his Dad would be proud of his cowardly actions after what he has done, if I had a child I'd not be proud of them cheating on their girlfriend but I would understand them trying to find love if they were unhappy (if that is the case!) I'd not be proud of them for not facing up to how their actions have hurt people, or to find out that they had spent three months talking to someone about moving to be with them, or had the marriage and babies conversation on date two or to have spent months referring to them as 'the wife' and asking them not to send the divorce papers and not to walk away. I'd not be proud of them for purposely hurting someone when they'd had the chance not too and I'd be even less proud of them for running away from it once they had been found out, instead of being a man and dealing with it. I'm so massively disappointed and I'm disappointed with myself for letting someone do this to me.

Nothing...............

The last message I got from him was Wednesday, I didn't reply but to be fair it wasn't really a question, I've heard nothing since, the silence is deafening, I can honestly say it's driving me bonkers, I've been better the last couple of days but I am still checking my phone all the time waiting for a message (that I can't see coming) I'm going to respond tomorrow, I don't think anyone thought I would get to three days, not even me. I know it will get better, not a days gone by yet where I've not sobbed about it, it seems so unfair, I meet him finally and he's got a girlfriend, the silence seems weird after speaking to him every day for the last three months, I'm very confused, I thought he'd at least try a little harder, i honestly don't know what is wrong with me, I hate to think how many dates I've been on with nothing there, no fireworks, no chemistry, then on a Friday night in a service station car park he's standing in front of me, more chemistry than a meth lab, boom, he got into my head, almost straight away I wanted to see him again, three months of chatting, two amazing dates and then the girlfriend, I honestly still can't believe what has happened. My overwhelming feeling is still of sadness, sadness for what could have been.

I've still not decided................

whether I should walk away with my head held high or tell her, the more (or less even!) that I hear from him the more I think he's lying and the more I think he's lying the more I think she should know.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be devastated to be on the other end of it, I have been and I know it's awful, I found out after we split but I'm sure I'd not have suffered like I did if I'd had known, I'm sure I'd have walked away more easily had I known that W@nk Bag had slept with someone else, when we spilt I asked him to leave (on Valentines Day) because I knew deep down that he didn't love me (I don't think in nearly five years together he loved me and I'm not sure that it's an emotion that he is capable of) I loved him, with my heart and soul and still today it hurts, I think that's the reason that I hate him like I do.

I wish someone had told me, which is why I feel that I should tell someone else. the more I think about it, the more I think that he's probably a serial liar, I looked back through his messages last night, there are probably 20 odd different messages where he refers to me as 'the wife' or 'his wife' talks about me moving up there (there would be the possibility with my job as my boss is moving about half an hour away from him) the future, things we can do togther, he led me a merry dance and since he realised I knew I've heard hardly anything, it's a tough, tough situation.

I've had people at work asking if I'm ill, saying I look sad (if I'm honest sad is the overwhelming feeling in all of this, I've cried on the way to work each day and sobbed my way home too, I'm not much of a sobber if I'm honest but it seems to be the way this time, I let someone in my head and this is where it took me again, life feels a little unfair and I feel selfish for feeling like that when I know that people in the world have it so much worse than me!

The Storm came in.......................

He phoned me on the way back from the garage, his signal kept going though so we didn't get to talk.

He then phoned me back later in the evening, I got two minutes before he had to go as there was someone at the door (yeah I bet there was) so I never got to ask. 

I waited and waited and waited for him to call but he didn't, on Friday morning I sent him a message saying 'I think I've found something of yours, seems you forgot about it'

I knew he'd think it was the divorce papers photo that I send him fairly regularly, he responded with a photo of my cleavage, I was fairly outraged when that came back if I'm honest, for one that isn't his and for two how very dare he!! 

So I responded with a screenshot of her FB page including her in a relationship with him and a comment saying 'I was thinking more of this'

He then responded saying he had would call me after he'd finished this counselling thing that I knew about following his Dad's death, I waited and waited and waited again, I finally got in the shower and got out to a missed call, I called him back and he didn't answer, he finally called me back. 

My heart literally jumped into my mouth

He tried niceties, I said they weren't relevant and it was time to explain himself. 

He told me that before we had met he had told her that he didn't love her or want to be with her anymore, I asked how far he had intended on taking things with me, he said that he had nearly told me on date two but had bottled it and that he was going to tell me when we were supposed to meet that day but it obviously hadn't happened, I don't know if I believe him about that if I'm honest. 

So I asked if she was his lodger, he said yes, that it was his house but she had paid for a lot of things so they needed to sort out money etc, again I don't know if I believe him. 

He apologised but in my honest opinion not enough, he said that although he regretted not telling me he didn't regret the time we'd spent together (that makes one of us!) as it was some of the best time he's spent in ages and the only time he'd not spent being upset over his Dad. 

My head has literally been spinning ever since, I meet someone that I can finally see a future with and it ends like this, he has a girlfriend!

I don't know that I shouldn't tell her to be honest, he's told me since that the spent the weekend trying to sort out finances etc but I just don't believe him anymore, he's been quiet since he's been found out, I don't think I'd be quiet if I was genuinely sorry, or if I'd met someone that I thought was a bit special, maybe that's the problem. 

He has told me that the chemistry wasn't one sided and he'd felt it too, the thing is now I guess that he could say anything, it doesn't matter to him anymore. 

While he was on the phone I told him that anytime I think I'm going to make a twattish decision I ask myself if it would have made my Granddad proud of me (I literally loved him with all my heart and he died when I was just 8, some 30 years ago! I think of him more than ever when I'm hurting and boy am I hurting!) He went silent when I said it, I don't think he knew what to say he told me that he had never thought of it like that, that no his Dad wouldn't have been proud of him for what he's done, he said that in actual fact his Dad would have kicked his arse for it, I told him that my Gramp would have kicked his arse for it too. (I was his little Princess, I think that's why I carry on my search for Mr Perfect, because in actual fact no one will ever match up to that image I have of the only real man I've ever had in my life) 

He's mentioned that a few times since, he's said he just can't get it out of his head, I guess that's good. 

When we spoke by text yesterday he said that he was sorry for getting me involved in all this and that our chat had really helped with his thinking, I told him that our little chat had actually taken up three months of my fucking life, he said that he didn't realise it had been that long and his head is muddled, it seems to be all about him, however he is the one that set out to deceive, lie and hurt me, I didn't know about any of it, I would have never even bothered to meet him if I had. 

I do wonder if he is only answering me so I don't tell her what he's been doing, do I want to tell her? I don't know is the honest answer, part of me does, partly to hurt her, partly to try and make me feel better and partly because if I was in her situation I would want to know if I was in her situation. 

I think what he has done is so much worse than going out and shagging someone, that isn't premeditated and doesn't mean an emotional connection or deceiving someone for months at a time. 

I'm angry with myself, I can't work out if I've missed the signs, I can't work out if maybe there weren't any signs, I don't believe he's staying at his Mum's as he says and not living with her, she put a post up on Sunday on Instagram but it was more of a 'you've annoyed me' than 'I'm splitting up with my boyfriend' 

I spoke to a friend over the weekend, she just went 'you've fallen haven't you' I couldn't say yes, I can't bring myself to but that chemistry doesn't happen often for me. 

Baggage Boy has also been calling every day, he say's he's worried about me as I'm never one to get bothered over a guy, I think this will make me even worse than normal, do I actually ask if they have a girlfriend now?

Is that how life needs to work?

The tears in the eeeeeekkkkkkkkk...................

I went on date 2 last week with the Service Station Guy, it was AMAZING, seriously best date ever, we went to a forest where you can walk with the monkeys, hottest day of the year, he was great, we got on from the word go again, he kept telling me how great I looked (I just had shorts, top, no makeup as it was far too hot and hair scraped back into a ponytail) he spent the day kissing me, holding my hand, couldn't get close enough.

We walked around the monkeys a few times, then spent a couple of hours sat on the grass talking, he asked why I was on my own, I told him about W@nk Bag and that I struggle with getting the 'spark' with people, I can honestly say that it wasn't missing this time, there was chemistry flying about everywhere. I asked him, he said his two long terms had been with a girl that had cheated on him and another that was a bit mad.

We then went over to an amazing garden, had a walk around the lake, things really did get a bit heated and if it hadn't been quite so public I'd hate to think what might have happened. I can't remember a time when I've been more hopeful of actually meeting someone with that level of chemistry.

We eventually left and he text me later that evening, I went to bed and woke up happier than I've been for a long time, I decided that for once I ought to give it a go without all the barriers up, I spent the day with friends but couldn't get him out of my head, I couldn't stop smiling.

We'd been chatting and I said that I'd really like to see him again soon, he said that he would too.

I wish this story ended there.........

We've been following each other on Instagram since the start of May when we matched, a new photo popped up, it was one he'd sent me but when I looked at the comments it mentioned a car show, where I'd known he'd been because he told me but he told me he didn't know where it was, however the comment said he'd been going for the last 10 years, you'd think he'd know after 9 years.......

Another comment from a girl that said 'love this place' not loved but love, maybe it's just a friend I thought, ex possibly, or actually maybe it's just an innocent comment........ I had to find out, new Instagram account opened, sent follow request, to be honest I didn't want to find anything, desperately wanted it to be innocent. She accepted the next day, seems she was at LeMans with him in June (when he was messaging me) she was in France with him in May (when he was messaging me) so lots is going through my head at this point, they could still be friends, I'm friends with my ex's (apart from one and I wouldn't pee on him if he were on fire!) one of the hashtags was 'mylove' which seemed pretty conclusive but it was in June and was before we actually met, although still 6 weeks after we'd matched and had been chatting.

I struggled to see anything with them together after mid June, still hopeful.

Then I went to find her on Facebook, it was a difficult task but finally we got there, it said she was 'in a relationship since 2009' seemed fairly conclusive that, but he had told me about the girl that cheated on him, maybe she'd not changed it she'd gone from one to the other? Last photo I found on there of them together was December, again plausible (yeah I was totally fooling myself)

Then I look for him on Facebook, nothing, nada, nowt, not that strange some people don't do Facebook, but I remembered him keep coming up on suggested when he first added me on Whatsapp, maybe he'd deleted his account (I have friends that do this all the time) then a little light bulb moment, you can't have a Tinder account without a Facebook account, they are directly linked.

So, I logged in as someone else, hey presto, there he is, he'd obviously blocked me! Not much to see though, no photo's with her and nothing displayed for a relationship status (I also display nothing, if I put single I'm inundated with guys I know messaging me and I've not been in a significant enough relationship to change that, when me and WB split I changed it not to show, because I didn't want my friends list to publicly see my heart breaking in front of them)

Thing is when I then checked hers her relationship status changed slightly, it said in a relationship with him since 2009, obviously I couldn't see it while I was blocked, seemed like proof positive.

So on Wednesday I had woken up unable to keep the smile off my face by Friday I was struggling to keep back the tears, I couldn't decide what to do, I nearly text him, then stopped myself, then I thought I'd phone him and stopped myself, thought about sending her the screen shots of my Tinder with his profile and some of the messages he's sent me, some are filthy, some very intimate, some telling me how much he likes me, enjoyed kissing me, didn't want to stop, some naked one's of him (thank god I never returned them!)

I sent him a message asking how long he'd been single, he never responded but responded the next day asking how my day was, I'd still not decided so responded as 'normally' as I could, then we had a conversation where I got mad at myself, it was almost like I'd forgotten he had a girlfriend and let the feelings get to me once again, he suggested that we meet up on Friday as he was going to be off work still, I said yes I'd take the day off. That kind of made my mind up, meet him and ask him to his face.

I went to see my best friend and told her the whole sorry story, she said that I should give him the chance to explain, she reminded me that when my big split was happening I'd told no one, changed nothing and she said that the GF could be doing the same, I liked to hold a bit of hope.

So we've been chatting normally since, yesterday he told me there was a problem with the car, I took that straight away that he was going to cancel on me and making excuses (he's not posted that the car is sick on social media so I assume that is also a lie)

Today he has cancelled, apologising, asking me not to send him the divorce papers (a long standing joke, he calls me his wife) I spoke to the best friend, gutted I wasn't able to see his face when I asked him, decided on a call, I called and he didn't answer, sent me a message saying he'd call me when he 'gets out of here' (the garage) and so far nothing, I'm loathe to give him anymore time but now I sit here getting angrier by the minute it's just not helping the case.

I have to admit to feeling a little devastated, for the first time in ages I've met someone that I could get excited about getting to know. :-(