The dating game.................................

Well, I went on the date on Monday with the 38 year old from the army, never have I felt so uncomfortable on a date, lots of silences (difficult with me that one!) he kept touching me, which I have to say that I didn't like at all, just like hand on my knee or on my back but I did a good job I think of telling him that I was uncomfortable without doing what I felt like which was going 'get the fuck off me' I managed an hour before making my excuses and leaving, in that hour I'd managed to tell him everything that was bad about me (something I usually try not to let on, on dates! I came home feeling totally deflated and wondering if the dating game is really for me, I've not had a lot of luck with these male things lately but in truth I think this is the most uncomfortable I've felt with someone yet. I spoke to the Tennis Coach that night but only by message and I messaged the guy from before Christmas (Space Cadet's friend) we still chat every couple of weeks, we had our first conversation with no innuendo and not a great deal of flirtation, new experience that, we talked dating, I was a little gutted when he told me he'd been on a couple of dates with someone but if he were that interested he'd get on with it and ask me out, although maybe you could say the same about me but I don't ask men out! He was due to have another date last night but he was regularly on whatsapp, so I'm kinda hoping it didn't happen, he did say he felt that she was trying to fob him off saying the distance between them 'wasn't ideal' but she lives near his office so I don't really see an issue there. Still chatting to Tinderlings and POF, although very little that is interesting seems to crop up there currently. Brisol Accountant has asked again about seeing each other and say's he's currenly put his Tinder account on hold, while I'm up for meeting again to see how we get along I won't be putting anything on hold, there were certainly no fireworks on the first date, I guess you never know though?! Very busy and exciting weekend coming up, the new Bridget Jones is released and I booked tickets ages ago, I'm super excited, my life kind of mirrors the story, just without the happy ending! Saturday brings another show, followed by a birthday party of someone that I have never met (hoping for a good night out!) and Sunday will be spent with my boys, at a race track! The boy went out on Sunday, without one of my hugs and kisses, guess what? Yep, he fell off, everytime it happens, I'm banned from not going to race day forever now!!

Dates, dates..........

So, I was in Bristol at a show on Saturday and when I was there two weeks ago I matched with a guy that I've been chatting to since, we said next time I was in the area we would meet for a drink, I was and we did, after the show, I had no makeup on, hair wasn't done, I was covered in mud from my friends puppy! I text to tell him that I only had about an hour which he said he was fine with, so we met in a nearby pub. He is an accountant in his 30's (I can't remember how old though because I'd had a strop and deleted Tinder yet again!) I think I remember it being early 30's, he's definitely over 6' tall, not bad looking, we had a pleasant hour or so, no fireworks my end mind, he's asked if we could meet again, I'm not sure. I have another date this evening with a 38 year old from the Army, I'm not looking forward to it to be honest, I didn't get much sleep last night so I'm tired and I want to be snuggled up on the sofa if I'm honest but I'm going to suck it up and go meet him for a drink, from his photo's he has a cracking pair of shoulders! Heard from the Tennis Coach every day and he Facetimed me again last night, we'll see if he tries tonight when I'm out! In the words of Bugs Bunny - That's All Folks!!!!

No news is.......................

No news! Have had to sit on my hands a little recently, guess where my sister is going to uni? Yes, the town where he lives, I'd have been delighted by that news a few weeks ago, have to say it made my heart sink a little! So, PH has been back this week, he text me last night asking me to go over, I declined, I'm not sure if he's just trying to get in my knickers or alternatively thinks that I should be the one to make all of the effort but neither of those is going to happen, well unless I get bored that is. If he was as hot as his photos' I might, just might be keener if he was as hot in real life as he is in his photo's (which I think he would be if he were a little taller and a little stockier he would be. He's today contacted me today on a dating site, with just a x men!! I'm not sure I told you about the Welsh Tennis Coach? We've been chatting since May but he lives in Wales, obvious issue there, it's over three hours away, so we've not met, he deleted me from Facebook which I thought was odd but never really thought much of it, until yesterday morning when he FB messaged me with 'Ji, I have a gf now' I think I laughed when I read it, I was kind of expecting it to be a 'don't contact me anymore' (not that I do anyway) I responded saying 'good for you' and pretty much left it there, he asked me to whatsapp him as he didn't have my number, I wasn't sure where this was leading but he asked that we could still be friends, which I had no issue with. This culminated in a facetime conversation last night of over two hours, I'm don't do facetime and I hate phone calls to be honest but it went quickly and he was nice, I did mention that I didn't think the gf would be happy with the content of the conversation and that if within two weeks he was thinking of me is she really the right one for him? It's made me think a few things, men cannot be trusted, we knew that anyway, they are quite frankly arseholes, if in two weeks he's thinking of cheating what hope does that give people like me in seach of happy ever after for the future? He's been messaging me from early this morning, I don't know what to think? Maybe he's just not had any attention from her for a few days? There's been another guy messaging a bit on FB, a friend of the race team, we've met a couple of times but to be fair I thought he was seeing someone but he isn't, we've chatted a bit, he seems a nice guy, a lot on though as he has cancer (that makes no difference to me) but again he lives quite a distance away (always the way!) He doesn't come racing much these days either (I assume because of the cancer?) I remember meeting him a few times and thinking he was attractive. POF and Tinder are still going crazy, mostly with totally unsuitable people if I'm honest!) I'm still so wary, the thought of letting someone in fills me with dread after last time. I had a couple of photos pop up on Facebooks 'on this day' this week, me and w@nk bag, I can honestly say they made me feel a little sick, I look so terribly unhappy, even though it was at a point when I thought we were quite happy and we were on holiday so I imagine it was one of the times we were happier, it's amazing to think what someone so manipulative can do and that you don't even realise it's happening.

Two weeks on...............

from that Saturday and I've stayed strong, no contact since the Monday evening, even if I have had to stop myself and sit on my hands several times, every day I've seen or done something I want to tell him about but I can't, because we aren't there anymore, it still makes me sad for what could have been but I need to remember that person I spent the time with and spent months talking to isn't him, it's someone else, someone that I don't know.

Yesterday I got to 11:33 without him entering my head once, I was quite proud of myself for it, today's not gone so well but I know it will continue to improve as time goes by. So, two weeks ago I had a third date with Prince Harry, unplanned but he'd kept asking and I thought 'fuck it' so it happened, I warned him before I went that he would not be getting into my pants, he didn't, much trying though, but we had a bit of a fool around, I still don't think my heads in it (well it's not lets be honest!) everyone says I need to give it more time and see if it develops, I don't think it will but I guess you never know?

He's been away and is for another week but keeps in touch a few times a week by message, it doesn't bother me if I hear from him or not (which I don't think is a good sign) whereas the other one I never stopped looking at my phone or waiting (yeah maybe I still do a bit) It's hard to take that you can be part of someones life and then you aren't, just suddenly you don't even cross their mind, how does this work? Still POF'ing and Tindering, to no avail, no one I want to meet yet, I'm not sure Prince Charming hangs around there but he'd get arrested for hanging around in Forests in this day and age surely?

Saturday..................

Saturday came and I got up extra early so I could straighten my hair!! I'd decided what I was wearing and packed on Friday night to try and reduce the stress. I went for denim shorts and a t-shirt to wear to the show so I wouldn't be hot and bothered all day, packed my make up bag etc for later. Just arriving in Chester made me feel phsically sick and I wondered if I was doing the right thing, I knew I had to go. I arrived at the show and as I walked in my judge for the day said 'don't you look lovely and chic today' I felt like I was onto a winner! We had a lovely day but I have to admit to being somewhat distracted, my head was completely off, I kept thinking about what I wanted to say and know but my mind was completely blank. We finished up and I went to get changed, I had chosen a black dress, just above the knee that fitted really well and showed off just enough cleavage, I only really do minimal makeup at the best of times, so a bit of powder, bronzer, mascara and lipstick and I was ready, if a bag of nerves, he told me he was at the pub and I made my way to meet him, I was literally a bag of nerves and still not sure what to expect or what I wanted to say. I pulled up and spotted his car, then gathered myself up and made my way into the garden, where he was sitting with drinks for us both. I didn't feel the pull that I had last time we met but I think things were different then, I sat down and we started talking, even writing this now I don't know what I expected, I think I wanted to hate him, sadly I didn't. He is insistant that they aren't together, do I believe it? I'm really not sure if I'm honest. I had in my head we'd talk for about half hour and I'd go, I left three hours later, I had this overwhelming urge to touch him but to be honest that's what got us here I guess, I kept it in check, we even laughed at some points. I got a brilliant joke in, I told him that next time he picks someone to mess about with he should go for someone not very clever, joking that he picked a girl that had either an NVQ in Childcare or Beauty Therapy, the look on his face said it all, so I asked 'which one is she' childcare was the answer, I laughed a lot at this, none of this is by any means her fault but even if just for a minute or two it made me feel better. He said how bad he felt, he never meant to hurt me, he'd just wanted someone to talk to and had never thought it would go as far as it did or he's meet someone he had so much in common with. I called him the C word a few times, plus a few other choice words. He walked me back to the car, he wanted to give me a hug but I was frozen in his arms, I didn't want to walk away, it was the last thing in the world I wanted, even after everything, I excused myself as I felt the tears coming, said goodbye and got in the car, as soon as I shut the door the tears flowed, which I was ok with, until a minute later he knocked on the window. He'd said earlier that he had some cider for me to try (I like cider) he was at the window with it, I didn't make eye contact, said a muffled thank you and made my move, the tears came down like a flood, I sobbed the whole three hours home, I must have got caught in every bit of diversion and road works the whole way and I was a mess, more upset than even I had imagined, I had wanted to feel nothing but I didn't. I got home to a message from him, asking if I'd got home ok, I replied that I had. That was it, until the next day, when browsing on Facebook and I noticed her profile missing, I'd been blocked, I thought it must have been him, to be fair a silly move in the mood I'm in, he doesn't want to push me, I sent him a mesage, 'oh dear, oh dear' he said it wasn't him and that he'd got a strange message from her in the week about his messages going to other places, he thought she'd seen some on his Ipad, I thought about it for a bit, as far as I was aware you couldn't get Whatsapp on Ipad (I'd tried in the past) but it turns out you can now, I'm not sure I can believe she blocked me, if it was me in her position, I'd not be blocking me, I'd be finding out what was going on. He said he was going to talk to her to see what she meant about the messages, I said I looked forward to hearing his explanation and then went to bed. He'd sent me a message asking if I was in tears in the car, I'd ignored it, I didn't really want to talk about it. On Monday morning I was sitting at my desk as my phone rang, it was him, he said it was easier to ring than message, he said he thinks she'd seen the messages about us meeting up on Saturday but he deletes his messages so she'd not have seen much more, I quipped that in his position I guess you would delete things. He said he appreciated I needed an explanation but that he didn't want to ask anymore questions as he wanted to keep things amicable between them and get money etc sorted out, I said that if I were her I'd be planning his hanging right now or that I'd have been in that pub garden waiting on Saturday to see what was going on. I explanined that he could block me from what he wants but if I want to tell her the only way he will stop me is to put her on a remote island with no internet or post and no way in or out, he said he had no doubt that if I wanted to do something I would, he's right. He said he needed to ask me something, he asked about the tears again, I said yes, I had been in tears, it's all been very stressful and had I not cared I would have just walked away at the first sign of a girlfriend and yes, I was emotional, I could hear his voice go, as he apologised and said he never meant to hurt me and that I didn't deserve what he had done, we got off the phone before the tears flowed once more. We had a bit of a text conversation yesterday but he sent the last message and I know however much it kills me that I can't reply and have to move on, lets see how that goes eh?! I think I've cried every day since I found out, this morning I cried the whole way to work and then managed to pull myself together just as I arrived, I've been good all day, despite being rather angry and mardy, I wouldn't even want to be around myself at the moment, in fact I'd kill to be as far away from my head as possible, I know I have to walk away but that's a big connection to walk away from, I can do it, I will do it but there is still going to be that little part of me that thinks 'what if' and waits for his name on my phone, to be fair I'm not sure that moment will ever come. I know it's all bad, why would I even want to be with someone like that? I don't! I know I'd never trust him and I know that we can't live like that but it doesn't stop me wanting to feel that level of chemistry again and have a man in my life that is able to get into my head. I always thought I liked holding all the cards, thats how my relationships normally go but actually to lose all control felt amazing, although when you do lose all control you know where it leads? Here, right here to this girl who is an emotional wreck, can't concentrate on what she is doing and can do nothing but think of a man that doesn't want her, what a shitty little life for a 38 year old. On the other hand I have no end of offers of dates but to be honest my head isn't in the right place, so I think I should really avoid it currently. I saw Prince Harry last week, I'll catch you up on that later.

The weekend is coming..................

And unusually for a weekend I'm feeling far more aprehensive about it than I am looking forward to it, my stomach is already in knots and I have three whole days to get through before I see him. I'm hoping that when I look at him I don't feel anything other than 'you lying wanker' I'm hoping I don't feel what I have when we have met, or when we have talked, we will see I guess.

I still need to find something to wear and it looks like it's now going to be cold, which isn't going to help me! So this week has been one of mixed emotions, I guess I shouldn't have expected any more really, I hope Saturday draws a line under it all but will it?

 So, I got message from Prince Harry again this week, he'd messaged me last week saying he was back for a night and did I want to go over, I said no, I was in a state emotionally anyway so the timing would have been bad, Monday I got another one, saying he was back for the day, I said no again, Tuesday I got another one, and all that popped into my head was 'fuck it, why not' so I went over.

Just as I was about to leave I checked my facebook, only to have a suggested friend of, guess who?

So, he'd unblocked me, I guess to look at my friends list, which isn't visible, I worried about what he could see, so logged out and looked, I saw that all he could see was a couple of my profile photos and cover photos, so I was ok with that. Couldn't quite work it out though and he wormed his way back into my thoughts with the 'what's he playing at' checked hers, still 'in a relationship with' weird, just weird.

So saw Prince Harry, he's much nicer in person than he is by message, I'm not sure that he realises how he comes across in his messages, it was a nice evening, he spent it telling me how sexy I am, that that I'm amazing and my touch renders him useless, all nice things to hear but it makes you wonder how someone else can't see it doesn't it? Apparently he's very impressed with what I can do with my tongue, my clothes remained on at all times, I wasn't about to make a stupid mistake because my head wasn't in the right place, it was a welcome distraction to be honest, although HE was still in the back of my mind all of the time I was there.

I am TOTALLY confused.

Thinking about thinking.....................

I had a great day out at racing with my boys at the weekend, the sun shone, race fuel smelt amazing and I was around people that should genuinely be prescribed on the NHS for depression. I still thought of him but definitely less than I have done, mainly because we were having a nice time I think. I made some decisions on Friday, that I was going to message him today giving him two options, option a was that he meets me on Saturday when I am in Chester to discuss things, option b was that I send his non girlfriend, girlfriend copies of his Tinder profile and every message that he ever sent me. including the one of his lying on her bed with his hand down his pants telling me he was 'ready and waiting' so this morning at 10:30 that's exactly what I did, I also gave him a two hour deadline to respond, which I thought was fair. He read the message straight away and I got a message back within minutes saying that he was off work on Friday and could meet me then if that helped. I responded saying that I was only there for the day Saturday and it needed to be before I left so he said he finished work at 4:30/5 which would fit in with what I'm doing so I said that was fine, I asked that he find somewhere to meet and it wasn't a pub, he asked if I was going to throw a pint over him and I said I don't believe in wasting alcohol but that I wanted to be able to talk to him without anyone over hearing or having to watch what I say (I swear a lot at the best of times) I then suggested that we meet in another forest so that I wouldn't have to drag his body too far, I'm only half joking to be honest, I'd quite like him dead.......... Do I feel better? No, but I hope I will. In an ideal world I'll see him on Saturday and due to the lies and deception I'll feel nothing for him and be able to walk away with my head held high and the answers I need. I'm not really sure what the questions are yet though but I have a few days. I now have a little dilemma for Saturday, I'm going to be stewarding all day so it's an early morning, followed by a long drive, followed by a long day where my head and body will both be worked, I then have to be ready to see him in half an hour and I want to look great, I want to walk away and him to think 'fuck' I screwed that one up! Not really sure how I'm going to pull that one off but I'll try. Now, I've lost a bit of weight recently, just under two stone in 16 weeks but suddenly everyone is noticing and keep telling me how great I look, one of the Directors I work for emailed me last week and told me I was 'looking well yesterday and must have had a good holiday' I was a little embarrassed, responding thank you and that I'd only been to Stoke, his response was that I am a 'fine recommendation for Stoke' I wore a Black Dress to work today and one of the girls I work with (the only one that know's the situation) said that she thinks I look amazing and ought to go in this on Saturday, it's been a week full of compliments which is nice but there is still that nagging feeling at the back of my mind that I'm not good enough (for him) I guess. I've been talking to my old school friend today (that asks me to have his baby) he says that he doesn't appreciate what he's missing and he's nuts, in fact I think a lot of the boys think he is, oh what happens when they lob a chemistry set at you, if only it happened with some of the decent guys I know.