Tuesday, 8 November 2016

Another week goes by with a muddled head.........

I guess it's a funny time here, that boy just seems to send me into flat out spin, Friday and Saturday seemed to continue in the same vein as Thursday evening was spent, can I see you, I miss you, I've missed speaking to you, I needed time to sort things out, get her moved out, will you come up, I've like to take you for a drink to apologise, let me take you for dinner, come up for a weekend, the chemistry between is amazing, all I wanted to do last time I saw you was kiss you but I knew you'd not let me touch you, I'm sorry I hurt you, I feel awful for it, goodnight my blue eyed beauty, blah, blah, blah.

Sunday he was quieter, Monday same again, I still got a good morning but we'd not spoken since before 9 the night before, after some really late one's, it's now Tuesday, I haven't answered him since 11pm last night and it's now been a whole week since I got those two little notifications that he was back in my life. 

I've thought about it, overthought about it, slept on it several times, overthought it some more and I'm still no further forward. 
I think in truth I'd drop everything tomorrow and run to him, if I thought that would help but I'm just not convinced that he knows what he wants. Does he actaully want me, or does he just want to hold onto me just incase? Is he a bit lonely now she's gone, can I trust a word that he says, would I ever trust him, could the distance work out. 

My head is literally like being in muddy pit of quicksand, it won't stop dragging my head back under, I'd come so far, I was still thinking of him most days, if not all but he is now back to the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. 

I don't know where to go with it, I can't stand him blowing hot and cold, that drives me nuts for starters, part of me wishes I'd never sent that message last week, part of me wonders if anyone will make my heart beat so hard when I see their name on my phone again but as I've experienced once before the bigger the high, the bigger the low.

Do I pass up the chance of having another go at the whole chemistry lab for the sake of not being hurt any further? I don't know, I really don't! What I do know is that he makes me feel that there is more out there, more to this and maybe you do get another chance at is, I also know that I choose men badly, I tend to pick them wrongly, my analogy of if you put 999 really great men in a room and one C**t I would still find that one and he'd be the one that I would be attracted to, I so wish my luck would change, I've now been on my own for the best part of 7 years, don't I deserve a chance of happily ever after?

Tuesday, 18 October 2016

Always playing catch up.............

Again it's been a little while since the last post, however there isn't a great deal to report (although I’ve just got to the end of the post and it’s a long one, for nothing to report like!)

I 've been on two dates, the first with someone that looked better in his photo's and wasn't very tall when we actually met, as you know that's a real issue for me, I think he is a genuine nice guy, does charity work, works for a charity but I honestly don't think that we would have much in common, he's an early riser that runs most days, church on a Sunday, just not me really, he messaged me a couple of times after the date but I can’t see the point of seeing each other again really.

The second was with a guy that is the oldest I've been out with, he is 47, I kind of do like younger guys, I seem to have a bit more in common with them and think generally guys my age look old but actually I thought he looked quite good for his age, he was probably about 5'10, it was an impromptu date, he messaged saying he was in the area and joked about coffee so I met him in Costa after work, he was nice, no lack of conversation but he told me the ages of his kids, one is at Uni and the other is going next year, it just made me think he was really old, children was mentioned (not by me) and he said he hoped I didn't want any as he couldn't any more, I don't think it's something that I am ready to write off just yet, he then made me walk to his car with him, where he turned his stereo on loudly with a soppy song and gave me flowers, a tad embarrassing in a car park and the flowers were Chrysanthemums which I would class as grave flowers. I'm a real flowers girl and I've got to say it put me off, there is no need to do flowers on a first date for starters but if you are going to do something, do it properly, I just kept thinking on the way home that I couldn't date a man that thought shit flowers were acceptable, especially on a date, you never get a second chance to make a first impression as they say and that is very true I think. He's messaged me since and I've been polite but that's it, I'm not going to be going on another date with him, too may little things.

I spent yesterday with the boys for the last race of the season, my friends son is now eight months old and he is literally like sunshine, I have felt broody since the first time I set eyes on him at a few days old and he makes me feel the same every time, he is full of smiles and wants to come to me every time we see each other and from the minute I arrive he is usually in my arms, I don't really do babies/kids but he is just something else, happy, smiley, lovely, it made me think again that although I'm well aware that it may never happen I'm not sure it's something I'm willing to give up on the prospect of just yet, maybe one day eh?

On that note, twice in two weeks I've walked into town at lunch and run into w@nk bag, it's not thrown me like it did before but it doesn't fail to make me think of what he put me through and what I missed out on because of his inability to grow a pair, the first time I almost smiled in that kind of ‘I know you but I'm not sure how’ before realisation set in and I looked away in disgust, my friend that I was with said he looked at me, he looks old, he's very grey now, still chubby and now preaching about JW's, I really missed out there, not!

 I've been chatting to a couple of guys, I'm quite keen to meet one, he lives about an hour and a half away, matched originally on Tinder many months ago (maybe even last year) but I know of him from our love of a certain racetrack, out in Germany! ;-) he is also a friend of a friend (well saying that they probably know each other for the same reason, well not the Tinder reason!) So, we matched, before the one with the girlfriend came into my life (who incidentally loves that same track and knows this person also, well he actually knows his ex really, now I imagine he was probably messaging or dating her too.......he told me he was a ‘spineless wanker who jibbed her off when she got sick’ however as the person that told me this was a spineless wanker that was seeing me behind his long term girlfriends back I don’t think that we can really take his opinion too seriously) we matched, chatted for a bit and then I decided that I'd had enough of Tinder and deleted my account. 

One of us added the other on Facebook back in July, I can't think which way around it was if I'm honest but we'd not spoken on there, he'd liked a profile photo I'd put on Facebook a couple of weeks ago but so had 50 other people, then one Friday night, there was a silly post on his page which I'd liked, he messaged me saying he'd not put it up and a friend had got hold of his phone, I made a joke and we flirted a bit, he asked for my number and we've flirted on and off since that night which was now a month ago. From our chats and interests, I think we have quite a lot in common and he's a bit cocky, which I quite like (I know, I know but I can't help it!)

I’m always pleased to hear from him he calls me Dory, because when he asked for my number he asked if I used Whatsapp or Snapchat, I said I don’t like Snapchat for conversations as it disappears and I then forget what we were talking about, he said I’m like Dory and it’s kinda stuck, so it’s Dory and Stingy (he’s a Scorpio) we probably chat a couple of times a week, sometimes more, not everyday.

So chatting last week and I said I was off to Racing this weekend which was in Kent (he is London) he said he was up my way on Saturday, I suggested a drink, he said he wasn’t sure that he’d have time but if he did he would like to, I had a feeling it wouldn’t happen but got myself ready anyway just in case, I had stuff to do so carried on with that and got lots done which was great but I guess I was a little miffed that he’d not made time.

In the mean time I’d matched and had been chatting with someone else, he’s got lovely shoulders! He kept me amused throughout the day, he’s in Ireland ready for his sisters wedding today but was still chatting quite a bit and well into the night (when I should have been asleep ready for an early Sunday start!)

I then get a message from Stingy, so at this point I was tired anyway and he’d been a couple of villages away (we are nearer 80 miles apart normally) so I was a little miffed that he’s not made the time to meet, I’ve done the talking for ages and there being nothing there when you meet and it’s so pointless, as least once you’ve met you can have a good idea.

First text came in:
1:45am ‘Hey you! X’ - I read it and thought ‘I’m not answering that now, he’s had all day (we’d chatted in the morning before he’d left) Then another:
1:42am ‘Well that was a long day. Just got home. X’ I finished talking to the guy with the lovely shoulders and went to sleep,
I was up early for racing so sorted myself out, as I was driving I saw another message pop up:
8:26am ‘Oi Dory. You stopped talking? X’ I have to admit to having a little smile to myself as this but still thought ‘well you should have sorted your act out yesterday to be honest’ so thought I’d let him wait a little longer, then another message pops up:
8:31am ‘If it’s because of yesterday just say.. but I did say I more than likely would be busy x’ I probably gave in a little bit at that point (c’mon you know you would have too!) He kind of got me at that a little bit so I responded:
8:40am - ‘I thought I was meant to be the (crab emoji – I am a cancerian!) one?! X’
8:42am ‘Just because I wasn’t around yesterday, doesn’t mean I don’t still want to see you, you Dory doughnut x’ Yeah, again I gave in a bit, while my resolve is epic once I’ve set it I can still be brought round to a point if I like someone, except in cases where they have passed the point of no return (cases such as w@nk bag and the guy with the girlfriend, then there is no going back) so I wasn’t totally truthful in my response but I didn’t want him to think I was annoyed with him for not meeting when we didn’t have a firm plan and I knew it might not happen (but hoped it would)
‘I’ve not got the arse, had a really nice day’ x (I should have probably not been quite so positive, made it sound a bit more like I wanted to see him?!)
‘Oh good (smiley emoji) x’
‘Thought I was in trouble there with you not replying lol x’
‘Would you be bothered?! x ‘
‘Well by me messaging you quite a bit there of course! Don’t want to be in the dog house x’ (Smiley Emoji)
‘You don’t seem the sort to be bothered! x’
‘Well you’re a decent woman (winking smiley emoticon) x’
‘Stop sucking up! X’
‘You don’t know that x’
‘Ok well you seem it (laughing emoji) x’
‘The internet is a wonderful thing (laughing emoji) x’
‘Isn’t it just (winking emoji) x’
‘Actually I’m pretty fucking amazing, today I’m driving 240 miles to deliver the cakes I spent yesterday making, dedication x’
‘Fuck me that is dedication x’ About an hour later I send a message saying:
‘anyway, getting all (crab emoji) with me, you don’t always answer me straight away either (shocked emoji) x
’ That night I had had no response so he got a:
‘Oi! (Scorpion emoji) x’ ‘Hello (smiley emoji) x’
‘Done with moaning now?! X’
‘I never moan (cool emoji) x’

That was last night and I’ve not responded since, I don’t want to be an idiot and think he’s bothered when he’s not, or is he only bothered when I’m not, is that how it works, he did appear genuinely bothered when I didn’t respond but with men these days who knows eh?!

Thursday, 15 September 2016

The dating game.................................

Well, I went on the date on Monday with the 38 year old from the army, never have I felt so uncomfortable on a date, lots of silences (difficult with me that one!) he kept touching me, which I have to say that I didn't like at all, just like hand on my knee or on my back but I did a good job I think of telling him that I was uncomfortable without doing what I felt like which was going 'get the fuck off me' I managed an hour before making my excuses and leaving, in that hour I'd managed to tell him everything that was bad about me (something I usually try not to let on, on dates! I came home feeling totally deflated and wondering if the dating game is really for me, I've not had a lot of luck with these male things lately but in truth I think this is the most uncomfortable I've felt with someone yet. I spoke to the Tennis Coach that night but only by message and I messaged the guy from before Christmas (Space Cadet's friend) we still chat every couple of weeks, we had our first conversation with no innuendo and not a great deal of flirtation, new experience that, we talked dating, I was a little gutted when he told me he'd been on a couple of dates with someone but if he were that interested he'd get on with it and ask me out, although maybe you could say the same about me but I don't ask men out! He was due to have another date last night but he was regularly on whatsapp, so I'm kinda hoping it didn't happen, he did say he felt that she was trying to fob him off saying the distance between them 'wasn't ideal' but she lives near his office so I don't really see an issue there. Still chatting to Tinderlings and POF, although very little that is interesting seems to crop up there currently. Brisol Accountant has asked again about seeing each other and say's he's currenly put his Tinder account on hold, while I'm up for meeting again to see how we get along I won't be putting anything on hold, there were certainly no fireworks on the first date, I guess you never know though?! Very busy and exciting weekend coming up, the new Bridget Jones is released and I booked tickets ages ago, I'm super excited, my life kind of mirrors the story, just without the happy ending! Saturday brings another show, followed by a birthday party of someone that I have never met (hoping for a good night out!) and Sunday will be spent with my boys, at a race track! The boy went out on Sunday, without one of my hugs and kisses, guess what? Yep, he fell off, everytime it happens, I'm banned from not going to race day forever now!!

Monday, 12 September 2016

Dates, dates..........

So, I was in Bristol at a show on Saturday and when I was there two weeks ago I matched with a guy that I've been chatting to since, we said next time I was in the area we would meet for a drink, I was and we did, after the show, I had no makeup on, hair wasn't done, I was covered in mud from my friends puppy! I text to tell him that I only had about an hour which he said he was fine with, so we met in a nearby pub. He is an accountant in his 30's (I can't remember how old though because I'd had a strop and deleted Tinder yet again!) I think I remember it being early 30's, he's definitely over 6' tall, not bad looking, we had a pleasant hour or so, no fireworks my end mind, he's asked if we could meet again, I'm not sure. I have another date this evening with a 38 year old from the Army, I'm not looking forward to it to be honest, I didn't get much sleep last night so I'm tired and I want to be snuggled up on the sofa if I'm honest but I'm going to suck it up and go meet him for a drink, from his photo's he has a cracking pair of shoulders! Heard from the Tennis Coach every day and he Facetimed me again last night, we'll see if he tries tonight when I'm out! In the words of Bugs Bunny - That's All Folks!!!!

Friday, 9 September 2016

No news is.......................

No news! Have had to sit on my hands a little recently, guess where my sister is going to uni? Yes, the town where he lives, I'd have been delighted by that news a few weeks ago, have to say it made my heart sink a little! So, PH has been back this week, he text me last night asking me to go over, I declined, I'm not sure if he's just trying to get in my knickers or alternatively thinks that I should be the one to make all of the effort but neither of those is going to happen, well unless I get bored that is. If he was as hot as his photos' I might, just might be keener if he was as hot in real life as he is in his photo's (which I think he would be if he were a little taller and a little stockier he would be. He's today contacted me today on a dating site, with just a x men!! I'm not sure I told you about the Welsh Tennis Coach? We've been chatting since May but he lives in Wales, obvious issue there, it's over three hours away, so we've not met, he deleted me from Facebook which I thought was odd but never really thought much of it, until yesterday morning when he FB messaged me with 'Ji, I have a gf now' I think I laughed when I read it, I was kind of expecting it to be a 'don't contact me anymore' (not that I do anyway) I responded saying 'good for you' and pretty much left it there, he asked me to whatsapp him as he didn't have my number, I wasn't sure where this was leading but he asked that we could still be friends, which I had no issue with. This culminated in a facetime conversation last night of over two hours, I'm don't do facetime and I hate phone calls to be honest but it went quickly and he was nice, I did mention that I didn't think the gf would be happy with the content of the conversation and that if within two weeks he was thinking of me is she really the right one for him? It's made me think a few things, men cannot be trusted, we knew that anyway, they are quite frankly arseholes, if in two weeks he's thinking of cheating what hope does that give people like me in seach of happy ever after for the future? He's been messaging me from early this morning, I don't know what to think? Maybe he's just not had any attention from her for a few days? There's been another guy messaging a bit on FB, a friend of the race team, we've met a couple of times but to be fair I thought he was seeing someone but he isn't, we've chatted a bit, he seems a nice guy, a lot on though as he has cancer (that makes no difference to me) but again he lives quite a distance away (always the way!) He doesn't come racing much these days either (I assume because of the cancer?) I remember meeting him a few times and thinking he was attractive. POF and Tinder are still going crazy, mostly with totally unsuitable people if I'm honest!) I'm still so wary, the thought of letting someone in fills me with dread after last time. I had a couple of photos pop up on Facebooks 'on this day' this week, me and w@nk bag, I can honestly say they made me feel a little sick, I look so terribly unhappy, even though it was at a point when I thought we were quite happy and we were on holiday so I imagine it was one of the times we were happier, it's amazing to think what someone so manipulative can do and that you don't even realise it's happening.

Friday, 26 August 2016

Two weeks on...............

from that Saturday and I've stayed strong, no contact since the Monday evening, even if I have had to stop myself and sit on my hands several times, every day I've seen or done something I want to tell him about but I can't, because we aren't there anymore, it still makes me sad for what could have been but I need to remember that person I spent the time with and spent months talking to isn't him, it's someone else, someone that I don't know. Yesterday I got to 11:33 without him entering my head once, I was quite proud of myself for it, today's not gone so well but I know it will continue to improve as time goes by. So, two weeks ago I had a third date with Prince Harry, unplanned but he'd kept asking and I thought 'fuck it' so it happened, I warned him before I went that he would not be getting into my pants, he didn't, much trying though, but we had a bit of a fool around, I still don't think my heads in it (well it's not lets be honest!) everyone says I need to give it more time and see if it develops, I don't think it will but I guess you never know? He's been away and is for another week but keeps in touch a few times a week by message, it doesn't bother me if I hear from him or not (which I don't think is a good sign) whereas the other one I never stopped looking at my phone or waiting (yeah maybe I still do a bit) It's hard to take that you can be part of someones life and then you aren't, just suddenly you don't even cross their mind, how does this work? Still POF'ing and Tindering, to no avail, no one I want to meet yet, I'm not sure Prince Charming hangs around there but he'd get arrested for hanging around in Forests in this day and age surely?

Tuesday, 16 August 2016

Saturday..................

Saturday came and I got up extra early so I could straighten my hair!! I'd decided what I was wearing and packed on Friday night to try and reduce the stress. I went for denim shorts and a t-shirt to wear to the show so I wouldn't be hot and bothered all day, packed my make up bag etc for later. Just arriving in Chester made me feel phsically sick and I wondered if I was doing the right thing, I knew I had to go. I arrived at the show and as I walked in my judge for the day said 'don't you look lovely and chic today' I felt like I was onto a winner! We had a lovely day but I have to admit to being somewhat distracted, my head was completely off, I kept thinking about what I wanted to say and know but my mind was completely blank. We finished up and I went to get changed, I had chosen a black dress, just above the knee that fitted really well and showed off just enough cleavage, I only really do minimal makeup at the best of times, so a bit of powder, bronzer, mascara and lipstick and I was ready, if a bag of nerves, he told me he was at the pub and I made my way to meet him, I was literally a bag of nerves and still not sure what to expect or what I wanted to say. I pulled up and spotted his car, then gathered myself up and made my way into the garden, where he was sitting with drinks for us both. I didn't feel the pull that I had last time we met but I think things were different then, I sat down and we started talking, even writing this now I don't know what I expected, I think I wanted to hate him, sadly I didn't. He is insistant that they aren't together, do I believe it? I'm really not sure if I'm honest. I had in my head we'd talk for about half hour and I'd go, I left three hours later, I had this overwhelming urge to touch him but to be honest that's what got us here I guess, I kept it in check, we even laughed at some points. I got a brilliant joke in, I told him that next time he picks someone to mess about with he should go for someone not very clever, joking that he picked a girl that had either an NVQ in Childcare or Beauty Therapy, the look on his face said it all, so I asked 'which one is she' childcare was the answer, I laughed a lot at this, none of this is by any means her fault but even if just for a minute or two it made me feel better. He said how bad he felt, he never meant to hurt me, he'd just wanted someone to talk to and had never thought it would go as far as it did or he's meet someone he had so much in common with. I called him the C word a few times, plus a few other choice words. He walked me back to the car, he wanted to give me a hug but I was frozen in his arms, I didn't want to walk away, it was the last thing in the world I wanted, even after everything, I excused myself as I felt the tears coming, said goodbye and got in the car, as soon as I shut the door the tears flowed, which I was ok with, until a minute later he knocked on the window. He'd said earlier that he had some cider for me to try (I like cider) he was at the window with it, I didn't make eye contact, said a muffled thank you and made my move, the tears came down like a flood, I sobbed the whole three hours home, I must have got caught in every bit of diversion and road works the whole way and I was a mess, more upset than even I had imagined, I had wanted to feel nothing but I didn't. I got home to a message from him, asking if I'd got home ok, I replied that I had. That was it, until the next day, when browsing on Facebook and I noticed her profile missing, I'd been blocked, I thought it must have been him, to be fair a silly move in the mood I'm in, he doesn't want to push me, I sent him a mesage, 'oh dear, oh dear' he said it wasn't him and that he'd got a strange message from her in the week about his messages going to other places, he thought she'd seen some on his Ipad, I thought about it for a bit, as far as I was aware you couldn't get Whatsapp on Ipad (I'd tried in the past) but it turns out you can now, I'm not sure I can believe she blocked me, if it was me in her position, I'd not be blocking me, I'd be finding out what was going on. He said he was going to talk to her to see what she meant about the messages, I said I looked forward to hearing his explanation and then went to bed. He'd sent me a message asking if I was in tears in the car, I'd ignored it, I didn't really want to talk about it. On Monday morning I was sitting at my desk as my phone rang, it was him, he said it was easier to ring than message, he said he thinks she'd seen the messages about us meeting up on Saturday but he deletes his messages so she'd not have seen much more, I quipped that in his position I guess you would delete things. He said he appreciated I needed an explanation but that he didn't want to ask anymore questions as he wanted to keep things amicable between them and get money etc sorted out, I said that if I were her I'd be planning his hanging right now or that I'd have been in that pub garden waiting on Saturday to see what was going on. I explanined that he could block me from what he wants but if I want to tell her the only way he will stop me is to put her on a remote island with no internet or post and no way in or out, he said he had no doubt that if I wanted to do something I would, he's right. He said he needed to ask me something, he asked about the tears again, I said yes, I had been in tears, it's all been very stressful and had I not cared I would have just walked away at the first sign of a girlfriend and yes, I was emotional, I could hear his voice go, as he apologised and said he never meant to hurt me and that I didn't deserve what he had done, we got off the phone before the tears flowed once more. We had a bit of a text conversation yesterday but he sent the last message and I know however much it kills me that I can't reply and have to move on, lets see how that goes eh?! I think I've cried every day since I found out, this morning I cried the whole way to work and then managed to pull myself together just as I arrived, I've been good all day, despite being rather angry and mardy, I wouldn't even want to be around myself at the moment, in fact I'd kill to be as far away from my head as possible, I know I have to walk away but that's a big connection to walk away from, I can do it, I will do it but there is still going to be that little part of me that thinks 'what if' and waits for his name on my phone, to be fair I'm not sure that moment will ever come. I know it's all bad, why would I even want to be with someone like that? I don't! I know I'd never trust him and I know that we can't live like that but it doesn't stop me wanting to feel that level of chemistry again and have a man in my life that is able to get into my head. I always thought I liked holding all the cards, thats how my relationships normally go but actually to lose all control felt amazing, although when you do lose all control you know where it leads? Here, right here to this girl who is an emotional wreck, can't concentrate on what she is doing and can do nothing but think of a man that doesn't want her, what a shitty little life for a 38 year old. On the other hand I have no end of offers of dates but to be honest my head isn't in the right place, so I think I should really avoid it currently. I saw Prince Harry last week, I'll catch you up on that later.