The holiday is over...............

Cape Verde is an amazing place, the person I went with was possibly the most boring person that ever lived though, thankfully I met some great people, oh and I held a shark, a real, living Black Tipped Shark, which was pretty cool!

HE has been on and off, still made no plans to meet, despite this being the last weekend I can do before he goes to Australia. He's at times left it day's to reply and although his whatsapp says the message hasn't been read I can't believe that he's not looked at it for that long.

He messaged me last night saying that he does want to see me, things have just been manic, I'm finding it hard to believe but I'm also finding walking away pretty hard, I still think of him all the time, I know what I should do but doing it isn't easy.

Stingy is still continuing to do his usual of popping up as and when (and I'm fine with that!) he facetimed me on holiday which I was a little surprised about as that's the first time he's done that, he said he'd put off a visit as I wouldn't have been around (but I'm not sure about that!) he was a bit miffed when I said I was going to bed and messaged me saying he couldn't believe that I put the phone down (I did say that I was!)

Met a Tinder guy quite unexpectedly on holiday, very good looking, lacking in personality, moved on when he realised I wasn't going to be an easy lay, shagged a girl the next night (he told me this himself in the pool next day, not quite in those words mind) and then the next night he pied her off in front of everyone and went to bed leaving her with her friend and his mate (who the friend shagged) what a charmer, no great loss there eh?!

Had another little development since arriving home, a guy that is untouchable (due to a Fiance) has been in touch, I'll tell you a little story!

A couple of years ago I walked into our race awning to see this gorgeous man sitting across from me, oooohhhhh I thought that doesn't happen often, he was introduced to me as the cousin of my friend, it came about later that he had a girlfriend (I can't say there wasn't some disappointment!) anyway, we always have a chat when we see each other (he doesn't come racing much, maybe a round or two a year) and we are FB friends, follow each other on Insta etc.

He first PM'd me in May, he'd taken a couple of photos of me with my friends son that he'd obviously taken while I wasn't looking, very cure though, he said I was 'totally smitten' (I am and don't really hide that fact) we had a quick chat and that was that.

A few weeks ago, we had our end of season Karting night and he was there, with the now Fiance, he messaged me the day after asking if I was battered and bruised (I'd got a bit carried away and body slammed the tyre wall!) holiday was mentioned, could he come, yeah of course you can say's I..... anyway, why can't I find a nice man he asks but agree's that I shouldn't settle for anything less than perfect, he told me how they met (she kinda nicely stalked him!)

Morning after I got back from holiday I got a 'Welcome home' message on FB, he asked about the holiday etc, said he'd liked the bikini photo's (they were only photos of me going in the sea as it's rough there and you aren't really supposed to, I'm a bit chubby to be honest so wouldn't post bikini photo's as such!) we chatted for most of the day, one of his comments was that 'you won me over a long time ago' very unexpected that! As you know, I don't do getting involved with men with girlfriends, wives, etc, if he were to be single though, that is definitely an avenue I'd like to explore further! ;-)

No news is.........................

No news, it's just the same really, we've spoken every day so far but it's still not been quite what it was in the first few days, still don't have a date to meet up.

I finish work today for two weeks, on Wednesday I jet off on a six hour plane journey to the beautiful Cape Verde, I've not been abroad for over two years and I am much in need of it, especially now, I'm so stressed out that my period hasn't even arrived (it is definitely no other reason, panic not, we literally would be calling it a miracle birth!) so I hope that I can relax and not think about it too much, chances of that happening in reality though I think are slim.

On Wednesday I needed to try on the new undies that had arrived for holiday, we may have snapchatted a few shots, he appeared to get a little hot and bothered about them, the same shots also went to Stingy, his arch enemy, to be fair if I knew that something was going to happen and had a little bit of commitment I would happily close my accounts right now and to be fair I didn't think I'd say that myself, I sure can't imagine that anyone else would have pictured that coming out of my mouth.

I'm still using the sites, reluctantly, he has this 'I don't want anyone else' effect on me but I can't get near his head, it's not appearing to be a good sign is it?!

Bubble of confusion continues................

So, this weekend I'm at a show, showing for once instead of working which I'm looking forward to, then staying at a friends on Saturday night, home Sunday, Monday I'm having nails etc done and spending the day with my friend and her gorgeous little sunshine boy, Tuesday will be packing and then I hit the beach on Wednesday, I'm hoping for a few days to be lovely and go slowly, infact for the whole of the next two weeks to be like that.

I wonder if I'll hear from him today.............. my message still says unread but I can't believe he's not been on Whatsapp since last night, maybe he's dating, wouldn't surprise me, he is of course single now...........or is he?

Another week goes by with a muddled head.........

I guess it's a funny time here, that boy just seems to send me into flat out spin, Friday and Saturday seemed to continue in the same vein as Thursday evening was spent, can I see you, I miss you, I've missed speaking to you, I needed time to sort things out, get her moved out, will you come up, I've like to take you for a drink to apologise, let me take you for dinner, come up for a weekend, the chemistry between is amazing, all I wanted to do last time I saw you was kiss you but I knew you'd not let me touch you, I'm sorry I hurt you, I feel awful for it, goodnight my blue eyed beauty, blah, blah, blah.

Sunday he was quieter, Monday same again, I still got a good morning but we'd not spoken since before 9 the night before, after some really late one's, it's now Tuesday, I haven't answered him since 11pm last night and it's now been a whole week since I got those two little notifications that he was back in my life. 

I've thought about it, overthought about it, slept on it several times, overthought it some more and I'm still no further forward. 

I think in truth I'd drop everything tomorrow and run to him, if I thought that would help but I'm just not convinced that he knows what he wants. Does he actaully want me, or does he just want to hold onto me just incase? Is he a bit lonely now she's gone, can I trust a word that he says, would I ever trust him, could the distance work out. 

My head is literally like being in muddy pit of quicksand, it won't stop dragging my head back under, I'd come so far, I was still thinking of him most days, if not all but he is now back to the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. 

I don't know where to go with it, I can't stand him blowing hot and cold, that drives me nuts for starters, part of me wishes I'd never sent that message last week, part of me wonders if anyone will make my heart beat so hard when I see their name on my phone again but as I've experienced once before the bigger the high, the bigger the low.

Do I pass up the chance of having another go at the whole chemistry lab for the sake of not being hurt any further? I don't know, I really don't! What I do know is that he makes me feel that there is more out there, more to this and maybe you do get another chance at is, I also know that I choose men badly, I tend to pick them wrongly, my analogy of if you put 999 really great men in a room and one C**t I would still find that one and he'd be the one that I would be attracted to, I so wish my luck would change, I've now been on my own for the best part of 7 years, don't I deserve a chance of happily ever after?

Always playing catch up.............

Again it's been a little while since the last post, however there isn't a great deal to report (although I’ve just got to the end of the post and it’s a long one, for nothing to report like!)

I 've been on two dates, the first with someone that looked better in his photo's and wasn't very tall when we actually met, as you know that's a real issue for me, I think he is a genuine nice guy, does charity work, works for a charity but I honestly don't think that we would have much in common, he's an early riser that runs most days, church on a Sunday, just not me really, he messaged me a couple of times after the date but I can’t see the point of seeing each other again really.

The second was with a guy that is the oldest I've been out with, he is 47, I kind of do like younger guys, I seem to have a bit more in common with them and think generally guys my age look old but actually I thought he looked quite good for his age, he was probably about 5'10, it was an impromptu date, he messaged saying he was in the area and joked about coffee so I met him in Costa after work, he was nice, no lack of conversation but he told me the ages of his kids, one is at Uni and the other is going next year, it just made me think he was really old, children was mentioned (not by me) and he said he hoped I didn't want any as he couldn't any more, I don't think it's something that I am ready to write off just yet, he then made me walk to his car with him, where he turned his stereo on loudly with a soppy song and gave me flowers, a tad embarrassing in a car park and the flowers were Chrysanthemums which I would class as grave flowers. I'm a real flowers girl and I've got to say it put me off, there is no need to do flowers on a first date for starters but if you are going to do something, do it properly, I just kept thinking on the way home that I couldn't date a man that thought shit flowers were acceptable, especially on a date, you never get a second chance to make a first impression as they say and that is very true I think. He's messaged me since and I've been polite but that's it, I'm not going to be going on another date with him, too may little things.

I spent yesterday with the boys for the last race of the season, my friends son is now eight months old and he is literally like sunshine, I have felt broody since the first time I set eyes on him at a few days old and he makes me feel the same every time, he is full of smiles and wants to come to me every time we see each other and from the minute I arrive he is usually in my arms, I don't really do babies/kids but he is just something else, happy, smiley, lovely, it made me think again that although I'm well aware that it may never happen I'm not sure it's something I'm willing to give up on the prospect of just yet, maybe one day eh?

On that note, twice in two weeks I've walked into town at lunch and run into w@nk bag, it's not thrown me like it did before but it doesn't fail to make me think of what he put me through and what I missed out on because of his inability to grow a pair, the first time I almost smiled in that kind of ‘I know you but I'm not sure how’ before realisation set in and I looked away in disgust, my friend that I was with said he looked at me, he looks old, he's very grey now, still chubby and now preaching about JW's, I really missed out there, not!

 I've been chatting to a couple of guys, I'm quite keen to meet one, he lives about an hour and a half away, matched originally on Tinder many months ago (maybe even last year) but I know of him from our love of a certain racetrack, out in Germany! ;-) he is also a friend of a friend (well saying that they probably know each other for the same reason, well not the Tinder reason!) So, we matched, before the one with the girlfriend came into my life (who incidentally loves that same track and knows this person also, well he actually knows his ex really, now I imagine he was probably messaging or dating her too.......he told me he was a ‘spineless wanker who jibbed her off when she got sick’ however as the person that told me this was a spineless wanker that was seeing me behind his long term girlfriends back I don’t think that we can really take his opinion too seriously) we matched, chatted for a bit and then I decided that I'd had enough of Tinder and deleted my account. 

One of us added the other on Facebook back in July, I can't think which way around it was if I'm honest but we'd not spoken on there, he'd liked a profile photo I'd put on Facebook a couple of weeks ago but so had 50 other people, then one Friday night, there was a silly post on his page which I'd liked, he messaged me saying he'd not put it up and a friend had got hold of his phone, I made a joke and we flirted a bit, he asked for my number and we've flirted on and off since that night which was now a month ago. From our chats and interests, I think we have quite a lot in common and he's a bit cocky, which I quite like (I know, I know but I can't help it!)

I’m always pleased to hear from him he calls me Dory, because when he asked for my number he asked if I used Whatsapp or Snapchat, I said I don’t like Snapchat for conversations as it disappears and I then forget what we were talking about, he said I’m like Dory and it’s kinda stuck, so it’s Dory and Stingy (he’s a Scorpio) we probably chat a couple of times a week, sometimes more, not everyday.

So chatting last week and I said I was off to Racing this weekend which was in Kent (he is London) he said he was up my way on Saturday, I suggested a drink, he said he wasn’t sure that he’d have time but if he did he would like to, I had a feeling it wouldn’t happen but got myself ready anyway just in case, I had stuff to do so carried on with that and got lots done which was great but I guess I was a little miffed that he’d not made time.

In the mean time I’d matched and had been chatting with someone else, he’s got lovely shoulders! He kept me amused throughout the day, he’s in Ireland ready for his sisters wedding today but was still chatting quite a bit and well into the night (when I should have been asleep ready for an early Sunday start!)

I then get a message from Stingy, so at this point I was tired anyway and he’d been a couple of villages away (we are nearer 80 miles apart normally) so I was a little miffed that he’s not made the time to meet, I’ve done the talking for ages and there being nothing there when you meet and it’s so pointless, as least once you’ve met you can have a good idea.

First text came in:
1:45am ‘Hey you! X’ - I read it and thought ‘I’m not answering that now, he’s had all day (we’d chatted in the morning before he’d left) Then another:
1:42am ‘Well that was a long day. Just got home. X’ I finished talking to the guy with the lovely shoulders and went to sleep,
I was up early for racing so sorted myself out, as I was driving I saw another message pop up:
8:26am ‘Oi Dory. You stopped talking? X’ I have to admit to having a little smile to myself as this but still thought ‘well you should have sorted your act out yesterday to be honest’ so thought I’d let him wait a little longer, then another message pops up:
8:31am ‘If it’s because of yesterday just say.. but I did say I more than likely would be busy x’ I probably gave in a little bit at that point (c’mon you know you would have too!) He kind of got me at that a little bit so I responded:
8:40am - ‘I thought I was meant to be the (crab emoji – I am a cancerian!) one?! X’
8:42am ‘Just because I wasn’t around yesterday, doesn’t mean I don’t still want to see you, you Dory doughnut x’ Yeah, again I gave in a bit, while my resolve is epic once I’ve set it I can still be brought round to a point if I like someone, except in cases where they have passed the point of no return (cases such as w@nk bag and the guy with the girlfriend, then there is no going back) so I wasn’t totally truthful in my response but I didn’t want him to think I was annoyed with him for not meeting when we didn’t have a firm plan and I knew it might not happen (but hoped it would)
‘I’ve not got the arse, had a really nice day’ x (I should have probably not been quite so positive, made it sound a bit more like I wanted to see him?!)
‘Oh good (smiley emoji) x’
‘Thought I was in trouble there with you not replying lol x’
‘Would you be bothered?! x ‘
‘Well by me messaging you quite a bit there of course! Don’t want to be in the dog house x’ (Smiley Emoji)
‘You don’t seem the sort to be bothered! x’
‘Well you’re a decent woman (winking smiley emoticon) x’
‘Stop sucking up! X’
‘You don’t know that x’
‘Ok well you seem it (laughing emoji) x’
‘The internet is a wonderful thing (laughing emoji) x’
‘Isn’t it just (winking emoji) x’
‘Actually I’m pretty fucking amazing, today I’m driving 240 miles to deliver the cakes I spent yesterday making, dedication x’
‘Fuck me that is dedication x’ About an hour later I send a message saying:
‘anyway, getting all (crab emoji) with me, you don’t always answer me straight away either (shocked emoji) x
’ That night I had had no response so he got a:
‘Oi! (Scorpion emoji) x’ ‘Hello (smiley emoji) x’
‘Done with moaning now?! X’
‘I never moan (cool emoji) x’

That was last night and I’ve not responded since, I don’t want to be an idiot and think he’s bothered when he’s not, or is he only bothered when I’m not, is that how it works, he did appear genuinely bothered when I didn’t respond but with men these days who knows eh?!

The dating game.................................

Well, I went on the date on Monday with the 38 year old from the army, never have I felt so uncomfortable on a date, lots of silences (difficult with me that one!) he kept touching me, which I have to say that I didn't like at all, just like hand on my knee or on my back but I did a good job I think of telling him that I was uncomfortable without doing what I felt like which was going 'get the fuck off me' I managed an hour before making my excuses and leaving, in that hour I'd managed to tell him everything that was bad about me (something I usually try not to let on, on dates! I came home feeling totally deflated and wondering if the dating game is really for me, I've not had a lot of luck with these male things lately but in truth I think this is the most uncomfortable I've felt with someone yet. I spoke to the Tennis Coach that night but only by message and I messaged the guy from before Christmas (Space Cadet's friend) we still chat every couple of weeks, we had our first conversation with no innuendo and not a great deal of flirtation, new experience that, we talked dating, I was a little gutted when he told me he'd been on a couple of dates with someone but if he were that interested he'd get on with it and ask me out, although maybe you could say the same about me but I don't ask men out! He was due to have another date last night but he was regularly on whatsapp, so I'm kinda hoping it didn't happen, he did say he felt that she was trying to fob him off saying the distance between them 'wasn't ideal' but she lives near his office so I don't really see an issue there. Still chatting to Tinderlings and POF, although very little that is interesting seems to crop up there currently. Brisol Accountant has asked again about seeing each other and say's he's currenly put his Tinder account on hold, while I'm up for meeting again to see how we get along I won't be putting anything on hold, there were certainly no fireworks on the first date, I guess you never know though?! Very busy and exciting weekend coming up, the new Bridget Jones is released and I booked tickets ages ago, I'm super excited, my life kind of mirrors the story, just without the happy ending! Saturday brings another show, followed by a birthday party of someone that I have never met (hoping for a good night out!) and Sunday will be spent with my boys, at a race track! The boy went out on Sunday, without one of my hugs and kisses, guess what? Yep, he fell off, everytime it happens, I'm banned from not going to race day forever now!!

Dates, dates..........

So, I was in Bristol at a show on Saturday and when I was there two weeks ago I matched with a guy that I've been chatting to since, we said next time I was in the area we would meet for a drink, I was and we did, after the show, I had no makeup on, hair wasn't done, I was covered in mud from my friends puppy! I text to tell him that I only had about an hour which he said he was fine with, so we met in a nearby pub. He is an accountant in his 30's (I can't remember how old though because I'd had a strop and deleted Tinder yet again!) I think I remember it being early 30's, he's definitely over 6' tall, not bad looking, we had a pleasant hour or so, no fireworks my end mind, he's asked if we could meet again, I'm not sure. I have another date this evening with a 38 year old from the Army, I'm not looking forward to it to be honest, I didn't get much sleep last night so I'm tired and I want to be snuggled up on the sofa if I'm honest but I'm going to suck it up and go meet him for a drink, from his photo's he has a cracking pair of shoulders! Heard from the Tennis Coach every day and he Facetimed me again last night, we'll see if he tries tonight when I'm out! In the words of Bugs Bunny - That's All Folks!!!!

No news is.......................

No news! Have had to sit on my hands a little recently, guess where my sister is going to uni? Yes, the town where he lives, I'd have been delighted by that news a few weeks ago, have to say it made my heart sink a little! So, PH has been back this week, he text me last night asking me to go over, I declined, I'm not sure if he's just trying to get in my knickers or alternatively thinks that I should be the one to make all of the effort but neither of those is going to happen, well unless I get bored that is. If he was as hot as his photos' I might, just might be keener if he was as hot in real life as he is in his photo's (which I think he would be if he were a little taller and a little stockier he would be. He's today contacted me today on a dating site, with just a x men!! I'm not sure I told you about the Welsh Tennis Coach? We've been chatting since May but he lives in Wales, obvious issue there, it's over three hours away, so we've not met, he deleted me from Facebook which I thought was odd but never really thought much of it, until yesterday morning when he FB messaged me with 'Ji, I have a gf now' I think I laughed when I read it, I was kind of expecting it to be a 'don't contact me anymore' (not that I do anyway) I responded saying 'good for you' and pretty much left it there, he asked me to whatsapp him as he didn't have my number, I wasn't sure where this was leading but he asked that we could still be friends, which I had no issue with. This culminated in a facetime conversation last night of over two hours, I'm don't do facetime and I hate phone calls to be honest but it went quickly and he was nice, I did mention that I didn't think the gf would be happy with the content of the conversation and that if within two weeks he was thinking of me is she really the right one for him? It's made me think a few things, men cannot be trusted, we knew that anyway, they are quite frankly arseholes, if in two weeks he's thinking of cheating what hope does that give people like me in seach of happy ever after for the future? He's been messaging me from early this morning, I don't know what to think? Maybe he's just not had any attention from her for a few days? There's been another guy messaging a bit on FB, a friend of the race team, we've met a couple of times but to be fair I thought he was seeing someone but he isn't, we've chatted a bit, he seems a nice guy, a lot on though as he has cancer (that makes no difference to me) but again he lives quite a distance away (always the way!) He doesn't come racing much these days either (I assume because of the cancer?) I remember meeting him a few times and thinking he was attractive. POF and Tinder are still going crazy, mostly with totally unsuitable people if I'm honest!) I'm still so wary, the thought of letting someone in fills me with dread after last time. I had a couple of photos pop up on Facebooks 'on this day' this week, me and w@nk bag, I can honestly say they made me feel a little sick, I look so terribly unhappy, even though it was at a point when I thought we were quite happy and we were on holiday so I imagine it was one of the times we were happier, it's amazing to think what someone so manipulative can do and that you don't even realise it's happening.