Internet dating is terrible, just terrible............................

It is massively hard work for very little return, I don't believe for one minute that it is just me that has this problem.

I get LOADS of matches and then lots of chats but it turns into little or no dates and when there are dates it is with flaky people, yes, lets go out, oh I've double booked, sorry can we reschedule, etc. 

Sooooo, I've been on two dates with this guy that was really keen to meet, so much that date one he was asking if we could bring it forward as he was excited, we met, he was quite nice, asked if we could meet again before we left and messaged as soon as he arrived home. 

We continued to chat and met up for a second time, to be honest I liked him more the first time but it was after work, I'd been up since 5 and he was in his work clothes (I, on the other hand had been working an event and was in a dress, makeup and heels) 

We had a couple of hours and then he dropped me at the station to head home, he kissed me goodbye (he was a bit keen really) and off I went, I got a message from him on the way home to say he'd really enjoyed it and when could we meet up again. 

Anyway, since then he's fucked me around, making plans to meet yesterday, then not answering where we were meeting and a time so I told him to piss off, he has now wasted two of my days that could have been used for something else, that is more than enough.

He keeps getting back in touch, asking for one last chance and he likes me and blah, blah, blah........

I've had a date with another one, we'll call him Mr Bumble (you'll never guess which app we met on?!) We matched on the 22nd May (I didn't know that, he told me) what I didn't know when we matched was that he was on a business trip, which meant that he appeared much closer than he he is in real life, however he didn't reveal this little bit of info for a couple of days, we chatted on the app for a bit and then we exchanged numbers and whatsapped.

The problem being that he was working about 45 minutes away from me but he lives about two hours away from me, so that's an obvious stumbling block, however we seemed to get on well and he said he'd like to meet up.

I had a meeting in London last week and he suggested we meet there, unlike the last one, he confirmed before the date (even told me he was excited to meet me) he chose the meeting venue and messaged me to tell me that he was so eager that he had got there early, we met and got on really well, I'm not sure that there were any sparks but I'm also not sure that happens on a first date much in real life? It's only happened to me once in the last seven years after all!

He's not really tall enough at 5'10, he's VERY ginger, fairly small build, he is a lycra clad lane hogger, the kind of person that spends there weekends holding me up in the car but he seems quite nice, he messaged me before I got home to say he enjoyed meeting me in '3d' and would like to do it again soon, he asked me last night when I was in London again but I'm in the day this week that he can't do due to work, so that won't happen.

I have been calling him the serial dater, as he had three other dates the week we met and had another at the weekend, he tells me about them but when I ask about them he always tells me that they are 'ok' or a maximum of a three star (it's a bit of an on going joke!) last night he joked that a whole chapter of his book would be about Miss Bumble, so I asked him what it would say, he gave a brief description of our meeting and said that the 'handsome man (ha) wants more but gets mixed signals' which I guess is his way of telling me he doesn't really know where he is but I do think that the distance will make things difficult anyway, so we will see. 

Been chatting to a few others but I can honestly say that I'm pretty bored of it, nothing seems to work out and I'm not sure that there are any decent men around anymore, it's a shame really, I've had 7 years now where I have been pretty much single and I'm starting to hate the male population.

Cunt Face still pop's up from time to time, completely full on and then completely full off, he totally fucks with my head to be honest but I still can't get past how I felt when I was with him, the song 'Starving' pretty much sums up my feelings on that one 'I didn't know that I was starving till I tasted you, Don't need no butterflies when you give me the whole damn zoo' Oh I am bloody brilliant at picking them! 

January...............

is here, I'm back to work and loving that, as you do!

The dating grind goes forward, the guy I met for a drink two weeks ago wanted to go out again and in the spirit of everyone telling me I don't give things enough time I thought I'd say yes, which I did, so he then text me on the day saying that he needed to rearrange as he was going to London for work for the rest of the week, I kind of used that as my get out and told him (truthfully) that I hate last minute and as he'd now cancelled last minute twice (he'd had a car accident before Christmas and cancelled the same day again) that I don't have a great deal of time etc, he told me that I had no idea how much he wanted to get to know me better etc but I don't think I can be bothered to give it another chance, also he's REALLY close to his sister, if you ask me it's a bit creepily close (he told me several times about it on date one which I felt was a bit of overkill really, he also told me twice that she'd nearly died) I've no real issues with someone being close to their family but there are extremes, he lives with her, they work together, holiday together, go out together, I kinda had visions of waking up of a morning to find the sister staring from the side of the bed, I've just not answered his last message from last week.

I am due to see Prince Harry again tonight, again not really sure why I am going (apart from the fact that he's fit!) as I can't see that there is much there as I've not seen him since last year, despite him keep asking, although again err'ing on the side of 'it takes time' I'm going to give it a go.

I saw PH, to be fair he looked hot, we got on ok, he's quite sweet when he's not trying quite so hard to get into my knickers, he suggested following me back to mine, I declined, I'm just not sure, not sure at all!

Christmas.............

came and went, I had poorly kittens, which kept me stressed, sobbing and alone, promising huh?!

Had a date last week, a guy from before Christmas, he was nice enough, smelt nice too, did I want to get his clothes off? Sadly not, he wants to go out again, do I go? I don't know what to do if I'm honest, can chemistry come? I know it can be there at the start, I felt it on that evening in a service station in July but can it develop?

Dating is hard work, lots of number collectors and ghosts around these days!

Monday, oh Monday...................

Everyone knows that I detest Monday's with a passion (unless I'm not at work, then I'm ok with it!)
I've been good, I've not replied to the Whatsapp message from HIM since he sent it on Tuesday, pat on the back there, I've decided that I'll get to at least tomorrow, which will be a week, he took three day's to respond so it's customary to leave it at least that long, preferably double, I've gone to respond, I've started writing, I've deleted it, it's not that I don't want to.

My heart and my head are fighting on this one, my heart wants me to respond, my head tells me not to be such an idiot, he'd be putting more effort in if he was that bothered (I know thats the case and if my friends were asking for my advice that's exactly what I would be telling them) but my heart is telling me that it's been so rare that my heart has flipped over like that in the last few years that I should grab it with both hands and not let it go, I know what I need to do, but that doesn't mean it is what I would do.

I have not responded to him before, so I know I can do it, I hated doing it but I can, he is in my head all of the time, much more than strictly necessary but I can't help that to be honest, it is what it is!

So I only have to get to tomorrow and then I can respond, thing is although I've had nearly a week I'm not sure what I want to say, yep, I have no words, sounds like me? Nope! I probably only not have any words when I am at my lowest point, I guess we are there then!

The holiday is over...............

Cape Verde is an amazing place, the person I went with was possibly the most boring person that ever lived though, thankfully I met some great people, oh and I held a shark, a real, living Black Tipped Shark, which was pretty cool!

HE has been on and off, still made no plans to meet, despite this being the last weekend I can do before he goes to Australia. He's at times left it day's to reply and although his whatsapp says the message hasn't been read I can't believe that he's not looked at it for that long.

He messaged me last night saying that he does want to see me, things have just been manic, I'm finding it hard to believe but I'm also finding walking away pretty hard, I still think of him all the time, I know what I should do but doing it isn't easy.

Stingy is still continuing to do his usual of popping up as and when (and I'm fine with that!) he facetimed me on holiday which I was a little surprised about as that's the first time he's done that, he said he'd put off a visit as I wouldn't have been around (but I'm not sure about that!) he was a bit miffed when I said I was going to bed and messaged me saying he couldn't believe that I put the phone down (I did say that I was!)

Met a Tinder guy quite unexpectedly on holiday, very good looking, lacking in personality, moved on when he realised I wasn't going to be an easy lay, shagged a girl the next night (he told me this himself in the pool next day, not quite in those words mind) and then the next night he pied her off in front of everyone and went to bed leaving her with her friend and his mate (who the friend shagged) what a charmer, no great loss there eh?!

Had another little development since arriving home, a guy that is untouchable (due to a Fiance) has been in touch, I'll tell you a little story!

A couple of years ago I walked into our race awning to see this gorgeous man sitting across from me, oooohhhhh I thought that doesn't happen often, he was introduced to me as the cousin of my friend, it came about later that he had a girlfriend (I can't say there wasn't some disappointment!) anyway, we always have a chat when we see each other (he doesn't come racing much, maybe a round or two a year) and we are FB friends, follow each other on Insta etc.

He first PM'd me in May, he'd taken a couple of photos of me with my friends son that he'd obviously taken while I wasn't looking, very cure though, he said I was 'totally smitten' (I am and don't really hide that fact) we had a quick chat and that was that.

A few weeks ago, we had our end of season Karting night and he was there, with the now Fiance, he messaged me the day after asking if I was battered and bruised (I'd got a bit carried away and body slammed the tyre wall!) holiday was mentioned, could he come, yeah of course you can say's I..... anyway, why can't I find a nice man he asks but agree's that I shouldn't settle for anything less than perfect, he told me how they met (she kinda nicely stalked him!)

Morning after I got back from holiday I got a 'Welcome home' message on FB, he asked about the holiday etc, said he'd liked the bikini photo's (they were only photos of me going in the sea as it's rough there and you aren't really supposed to, I'm a bit chubby to be honest so wouldn't post bikini photo's as such!) we chatted for most of the day, one of his comments was that 'you won me over a long time ago' very unexpected that! As you know, I don't do getting involved with men with girlfriends, wives, etc, if he were to be single though, that is definitely an avenue I'd like to explore further! ;-)

No news is.........................

No news, it's just the same really, we've spoken every day so far but it's still not been quite what it was in the first few days, still don't have a date to meet up.

I finish work today for two weeks, on Wednesday I jet off on a six hour plane journey to the beautiful Cape Verde, I've not been abroad for over two years and I am much in need of it, especially now, I'm so stressed out that my period hasn't even arrived (it is definitely no other reason, panic not, we literally would be calling it a miracle birth!) so I hope that I can relax and not think about it too much, chances of that happening in reality though I think are slim.

On Wednesday I needed to try on the new undies that had arrived for holiday, we may have snapchatted a few shots, he appeared to get a little hot and bothered about them, the same shots also went to Stingy, his arch enemy, to be fair if I knew that something was going to happen and had a little bit of commitment I would happily close my accounts right now and to be fair I didn't think I'd say that myself, I sure can't imagine that anyone else would have pictured that coming out of my mouth.

I'm still using the sites, reluctantly, he has this 'I don't want anyone else' effect on me but I can't get near his head, it's not appearing to be a good sign is it?!

Bubble of confusion continues................

So, this weekend I'm at a show, showing for once instead of working which I'm looking forward to, then staying at a friends on Saturday night, home Sunday, Monday I'm having nails etc done and spending the day with my friend and her gorgeous little sunshine boy, Tuesday will be packing and then I hit the beach on Wednesday, I'm hoping for a few days to be lovely and go slowly, infact for the whole of the next two weeks to be like that.

I wonder if I'll hear from him today.............. my message still says unread but I can't believe he's not been on Whatsapp since last night, maybe he's dating, wouldn't surprise me, he is of course single now...........or is he?

Another week goes by with a muddled head.........

I guess it's a funny time here, that boy just seems to send me into flat out spin, Friday and Saturday seemed to continue in the same vein as Thursday evening was spent, can I see you, I miss you, I've missed speaking to you, I needed time to sort things out, get her moved out, will you come up, I've like to take you for a drink to apologise, let me take you for dinner, come up for a weekend, the chemistry between is amazing, all I wanted to do last time I saw you was kiss you but I knew you'd not let me touch you, I'm sorry I hurt you, I feel awful for it, goodnight my blue eyed beauty, blah, blah, blah.

Sunday he was quieter, Monday same again, I still got a good morning but we'd not spoken since before 9 the night before, after some really late one's, it's now Tuesday, I haven't answered him since 11pm last night and it's now been a whole week since I got those two little notifications that he was back in my life. 

I've thought about it, overthought about it, slept on it several times, overthought it some more and I'm still no further forward. 

I think in truth I'd drop everything tomorrow and run to him, if I thought that would help but I'm just not convinced that he knows what he wants. Does he actaully want me, or does he just want to hold onto me just incase? Is he a bit lonely now she's gone, can I trust a word that he says, would I ever trust him, could the distance work out. 

My head is literally like being in muddy pit of quicksand, it won't stop dragging my head back under, I'd come so far, I was still thinking of him most days, if not all but he is now back to the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. 

I don't know where to go with it, I can't stand him blowing hot and cold, that drives me nuts for starters, part of me wishes I'd never sent that message last week, part of me wonders if anyone will make my heart beat so hard when I see their name on my phone again but as I've experienced once before the bigger the high, the bigger the low.

Do I pass up the chance of having another go at the whole chemistry lab for the sake of not being hurt any further? I don't know, I really don't! What I do know is that he makes me feel that there is more out there, more to this and maybe you do get another chance at is, I also know that I choose men badly, I tend to pick them wrongly, my analogy of if you put 999 really great men in a room and one C**t I would still find that one and he'd be the one that I would be attracted to, I so wish my luck would change, I've now been on my own for the best part of 7 years, don't I deserve a chance of happily ever after?