My Week..........

No, of course he didn't rock up on Monday, he said that he'd had to book an earlier ferry, I told him that being friends was difficult when only one of us was participating, he said 'I know' and I wanted to punch him in the face with a chair.

Was a busy week with work, I was away in Manchester for two nights for meetings, so here's a funny story for you.

The Exec team that work for my boss get paid around £2m between them a year, sooooo I dragged £2m worth of staff from all around the country (Essex, Bristol, Scotland, Midlands) to a meeting in Manchester because I had hoped to see Cunt Face while I was there, however he was in France so I couldn't see him anyway, on top of the staff I booked two nights in a nice hotel, in the hope of getting to see him at some point in those three days, on top of that the hotel cost around £2000 for all of the rooms and another couple of thousand in planes, trains and cars, oh and dinner and did I get to see him? No, no I fucking didn't! 

Anyway, while I was in Manchester I caught up with a friend that I used to work with, we used to talk everyday at work and have kept in touch, she lives near Manchester. 

When we met she told me about her man troubles, why are they such idiots? She's seeing someone that can't make time for her regularly but thinks it's ok to go away for the weekend with his friends (and a single divorcee) I honestly don't know what is wrong with these men! 

On the subject of men being idiots, another friend had posted on Facebook this week that she had been speed dating and had a very similar experience to what I had when I tried several years ago, 18 decent looking, well turned out women with 18 men and not a decent one among them, one even told her after one minute that she wasn't 'his thing' and sat in silence for the next three minutes. 

So, in one week myself and two friends have experiences that totally echo mine on dating, now all three of us are women in our late 30's, all I would say fairly attractive, with good career's, not even jobs, real deal career's and yet still we can't find a decent man between us, two of us have no children, one has a great little girl, does it really need to be this hard?

We had a lovely evening in Manchester, largely taken up with discussions about men, she knew about Cunt Face from last time around and it was such a relief to finally tell someone and get it out of my head, we swapped a bit of advice (largely this was 'don't text him', 'you aren't mad', 'yes, I know you shouldn't but sometimes you just can't help it')

When we were talking advice I said that last year I'd have probably advised her differently, last year I would have told her to walk away and forget it but things have changed massively in this last year, I now realise that despite my mostly walking away from every thing and everyone that didn't tick all of my boxes, I'm not fussy, I've even walked away from my mother (it's a very long story and not for today) but I just can't do it, I want to but currently it's just not happening.

I know I give people too many chances, look at the Evil Twin for one, she's had more than anyone deserves really but that is the person I am and I can't change that, although I'm trying to get better and #bemorerudolf.

Mr Bumble had a little ginger flash, he had messaged me last weekend saying that he was in Northants on Monday so did I want to meet up, as I wasn't doing anything I agreed, he said his meeting should finish around 3:30 and then he'd wait around, cool I said. 

Monday lunchtime I got a message saying that his meeting had finished way early so he was going to head home, I was a little annoyed about this, largely because I had things to do after work, that I hadn't brought in with me as I thought I was going to have to rush straight off, so I didn't respond to him until Weds, when he suggested that we 'try again' I said that if we couldn't manage it in the same county then we probably didn't have much of a chance of making the distance work (he's in Surrey) he pretty much said he agreed, so that's that done, however he did get a bit stroppy with me this weekend, so I told him to get a grip, seriously men seem to have totally missed the dating etiquette part of the book!

So, I came back on Friday, I can honestly say that I spent most of the time I was up there being annoyed that I was up there when he wasn't and still I wasn't going to get to see him, men are bloody annoying! As I went up I passed the place we'd had our second date, which caused tears, mainly angry one's I think, I went out for dinner with our senior team on the Weds night and spent it largely angry, thinking what ungrateful brats they were when they were talking about their bonus etc (it's a big one and when you earn what they do it's pretty massive!) I pushed through it and the meeting and eventually getting home at around 7 on Friday night, exhausted. 

On Saturday I was due to go to the Superbikes to see my friends race, was struggling to decide on which day to go and had decided on Saturday so that I could have Sunday to do nothing at home and had told them I wasn't staying so that I could have Sunday without having to wake up. 

I felt rubbish on Saturday morning, it took me ages to get going (my Dr thinks I have CFS and we've been discussing it for years now, I struggle massively with tiredness and could sleep for days) and I eventually got there about 1, I opened my Snapchat to take a video and in the stories was his, a photo of him with a packed car, heading home from France. 

I debated messaging him, thought no, you are nuts, don't do it, no, message him, don't do it, what have you got to lose apart from your dignity, which you have obviously already lost with this one, no, don't do it, ah fuck it, whats the worst that can happen? 

Realistically the worst that could happen was for him to not respond or to respond saying no but as they say; you've got to be in it to win it. So I messaged him:

'Fancy stopping for a drink on your way through?' 

Within 15 minutes I had a message flash up, that heart stopping feeling of knowing that they are about to shatter your dreams, the I don't think I can read that because I know what it's going to be. 

Well, it wasn't, it wasn't what I expected at all, it was a bit weirdly worded but not what I expected, I got

'where would you like to meet you lovely big breasted chum of mine' 

I wasn't really sure how to take it, so I kind of took it that he got 'chum' in so I knew it was as friends, however there was part of me that was hoping that we'd meet and I would feel nothing for him, in the last year we have been through a lot and it's been an emotional roller coaster.

Messages went back and forth over what time to meet, he said he thought about 10:30 as it was around 2.5 hours from the ferry terminal, I obviously needed to leave the racing a bit earlier than planned (I wished I'd made a bit of an effort for racing that day, put a bit of makeup on, done my hair but I was tired and I hadn't! so I wanted enough time to get home, shower and change and get back out, all while appearing like I had come straight from racing ;-) 

I decided to leave at 6 to be home by around 8:30, giving me a little time to sort my act out, I was on edge all day after that, still not certain he'd turn up, in fact I expected him not to and to fob me off later. 

As I was walking out of the circuit I got a message from him saying that he'd not been allowed on his ferry as it had left 40 minutes early so was driving to Dunkirk to get on another one as the next one at Calais wasn't until 11pm, I thought that was his get out, it will be too late but he just said it would be later and about midnight, I don't think I cared terribly about the time, I just wanted to see him. 

We messaged a lot of the journey home, a bit matey, a bit flirty. 

I got home and sorted my act out, I tried on about four outfits and decided on a black cold shoulder dress, which looked like it could have been suitable for spending a day racing (when actually for racing I'd worn a denim skirt, vest top and flip flops, hair scraped back and no makeup) a bit of makeup, although that bit wasn't easy as I'd been burned in the day. 

I'm not feeling very happy with myself at the moment, I'd lost nearly two stone last year and looked pretty good, however it's all been going back on and I'm now over a stone back up and I look at myself and just see a fat, horrible person, I really do eat my feelings and it's not good, so I'm not feeling as confident as I was when I saw him in August, not helpful but it is what it is. 

Even on the journey I didn't know that he would show up, lets be honest, he's not exactly Mr Reliable is he? I pulled into the car park, at the services where we had first met nearly a year ago and I spotted his car, he was there, I couldn't really believe it and the nerves were all over the place, I pulled up with a space in between us and got out of the car, the first thing he did was cuddle me, I mean a proper cuddle, the kind of cuddle I've been needing for so long, he's a really good cuddler, it's a skill missing from a lot of people these days, they tend to do hugging and hugging and cuddling are two very different things. 

We walked into the services chatting away, got a drink and sat down, the conversation was pretty general, something was said about lying and he said he'd made that mistake with me once before and wasn't heading there again! I said I wasn't going to bring it up he said he thought he'd get in first.

A girl was mentioned a couple of times, not a girlfriend he said but a girl friend, that had gone to Le Mans with them, I knew there had been as I'd seen a photo of him, with a girl behind him, blonde which seems to be his thing, definitely less weight on her than me, he talked about her as a friend but you don't know do you? Especially with someone that has lied to you before.

I don't think he totally believed me that he was stored in my phone as Cunt Face, so he sent me a message and it popped up, he believes me now! 

It was nice, I didn't feel quite the pull that I had on previous occasions but there was still something rather big there looming, I just want to touch him, looking at that it makes it sound weird, but that's not how I mean it. I did look at him several times and think that looks wise he isn't my thing but I guess like with W@nk Bag before him that's how it happens, the person that isn't your type to look at is the one that ends up being the only person to ever break your heart, surely it should be the hotties breaking your heart?

We walked out to the cars and he asked if we were friends now, he again apologised for what he had done,  I agreed that we were and he put his arm around me as we walked to the cars, he kept hugging me, we kept saying goodbye and then walking back towards each other, it was a bit ridiculous really if you'd had been there people watching. 

And then he kissed me, or I kissed him maybe? I think he kissed me but one of us kissed the other one and everything I had been trying to block out flowed through every bit of me, I literally wanted him so much. He's a pretty shit hot kisser too. 

Unluckily (or luckily maybe) my period had arrived that morning (10 days early, maybe someone was trying to tell me something?) he obviously doesn't know that is the reason. I dread to think what might have happened (and I'm equally quite gutted that we didn't get the chance) it all got a bit heated, he was quite surprised when I'd remembered the thing that makes him go a little crazy and I slid my hand down his neck, well it still works! 

It all got a bit heated, it does between us I guess, it's all good until he touches me and then it's game over, we eventually left (a load of caravans had arrived at the car park, if they were people watching like I do they would have definitely thought we were having an affair, two cars in a car park and two people that can't keep their hands off each other!)

He took my hand and popped it onto his groin, his body was pretty obviously reacting in the same way that mine was, I mentioned that always seems to happen when we are together and he blamed it on the 'hot blonde standing in front of him!

As soon as I left, before I'd got out of the slip road he'd messaged me with an emoji which according to google is the no emotion emoji! I responded with a ?? to which he said I was a tease, a whirl of messages went back and forth along with a whirl of emotions (my end for sure, who know's about his) it was gone 3am when we stopped talking and he said goodnight, I left it with him sending the last message but I had hoped he'd send a further message on Sunday, yeah he didn't.

When we were talking he said he was at the car show in Peterborough on the weekend and he might pop in on the way back if he wasn't too tired, I can't imagine he will but I can always hope to be surprised can't I? It was the same car show that let him out last year, when he said he didn't know where it was but he did and the girlfriend was going with him, I don't let myself forget what he's done, or the lies that he's told but that doesn't make shutting him out any easier.

I spent Sunday in a happy little bubble (still waiting for messages but a happy bubble at that) thinking back to the night before and those feelings that I just can't let go.

I've been pretty good really, I didn't message him today, just a casual message asking how it was to be back at work, he said shit and sent a meme, not heard from him since, I hate seeing that screen without a message on, it really does drive me a little bit bonkers, but to be fair I'm pretty limited in what I can do apart from wait. 

On Saturday he'd told me that he was going to a Trackday at one of my favourite tracks, I saw which company were doing it and knew that it was likely that one of my old members of staff might be working it, I dropped him a message and asked him if he'd go and give him some instruction on the day, which he says he will, I'm maybe too nice but I really do like doing nice things for people when I can, it's a small thing but if it was me I would be delighted to get some free instruction from a really amazing instructor like my friend is (he is one of my top three, not an easy place to get to!)

I did joke with my friend that the friend I want him to instruct spends a lot of time on my kill list and therefore I may want him to aim the car at the barrier and then jump out sending Cunt Face (he doesn't know that's his name!) through the barrier!

Happy is probably going to stop any time soon, I'm fully aware of that, maybe, just maybe it will be different this time?

The response came............

Only 24 hours after I'd sent the message, he said he'd only just seen it (bullshit) and that he's going past again Monday and coming back the following weekend, so 'can then if you fancy'

I didn't respond until today, saying that Monday would be ok, I still imagine that he won't rock up!

Mr Bumble has been quiet, say's he's been busy which he probably has but I'm crap with silence, I'm always fast in my responses but I'm taking my time now, which is obviously annoying him as he then sends further messages!

Men are fucking idiots!

A tough night...............

Did the message come? Of course it didn't, I knew, really deep down that it wouldn't but that doesn't mean that I didn't desperately want it to.

So, the evening was spent with some tears, feeling rather sorry for myself to be honest, if I checked my phone I checked it a million times but the message didn't come, I know he'd been online as he'd updated his Instagram (I know, I know!) 

Mr Bumble has been quiet but to be fair I have brought back a rule of mine that I have been neglecting for some time now.

In December I saw this little picture and on seeing it I decided that instead of not making a New Years Resolution like normal that this year I would make one, that resolution was to #bemorerudolf which essentially means that I will try to treat people how they treat me, if they take ages to respond I do the same, if they look after me when I need it, I'll do the same, if they don't treat me very well, I'll do the same. It's been a bit of an eye opener really and it's making my circle a lot smaller but is that a bad thing? 

Some examples of how #bemorerudolf work are the Evil Twin, she wasn't around when I needed her in December, you'll note this is a theme, I'm there for her, she's not there for me, so I've not messaged her since Xmas and guess what? She's not messaged me either, so six months along and we've not spoken, funny that eh? 

In January, I arranged to go to the cinema and for dinner and catch up with a friend, she then invited other people (that I didn't know) so when she asked about tickets in a group chat (I hate group chat anyway) I private messaged her and told her I wasn't going, she didn't seem to get the idea and we've spoken very little since, had she asked I would have been fine with it but people seem to have no manners these days. 

Anyway, back to Mr Bumble, I sent the last message (unread) so when he messages I will ensure that I don't do my usual and message straight back, to be fair one of the reasons I message straight back is because I forget about it if I don't. 

I still feel a bit down in the dumps today to be honest, I wish I was brave enough to take myself off on holiday by myself but unfortunately I'm not, I kind of want to escape myself and my head but sadly it's the thing that you can't get away from. 

Will another message come? Maybe, who knows, maybe when he needs something, or someone? Maybe when the new girlfriend bins him? Will I run to him? Time will tell I guess. 

Sometimes when............

You send a message and your heart beats louder, harder and sits in your throat, really you know that if you do get a response it won't be the one you want and that you probably won't but there is still that stupid part of you that wants the response to say what it does in your head.

That's where I am now, he sent me a message saying he was on his way back (to my message asking if he was home) I sent a message asking if he fancied a stop at the services for a drink on the way back.

I know I probably won't get an answer and if I do it's likely to say that he's already home or hasn't got time or something like that, I also know that I'm sat in the office with work clothes that I wouldn't want him to see me in really and hair that I didn't wash this morning because I couldn't be arsed and wasn't going anywhere special (it's not dirty but not how I'd want him to see it) I know that I've put weight on and feel no where near as good about myself since I last saw him.

I also know that there is a massive part of me that desperately wants to see his face, to see if that electricity is still there between us when we touch, for the last time I saw him to not have ended with me sobbing for the whole of the two and a half hour journey home, for me to see him and wonder what I saw in him, but mainly for that feeling of the whole zoo instead of butterflies.

I know it's unlikely, I know he'll have a whole host of excuses but as I said, maybe, just maybe I have to stop trying to no get myself hurt and open up to whatever could be a little? (I'm not sure I really mean him in that if I'm honest, maybe just people in )

I can see he's online on Whatsapp, he's just reappeared (I know, I'm sad, I have his Whatsapp screen stood up on my desk facing me so that I could see if he had been on) he's not read the message yet, those all important two blue ticks aren't there, but he could have read it because he's online so he's probably seen it (does it say online when you aren't looking at the app? I don't know) My heart is literally sitting in my mouth, why do we put ourselves through this when we know what the outcome is? It's not like he's not had the chances is it? I would literally ditch work at this moment and go and meet him and yet he won't stop on the way through (I imagine there is probably a girl with him anyway to be honest, however I can't let my heart believe that at the moment, although it took absolute proof for me to believe about the girlfriend last time.

I know it sounds like I'm a stupid, silly girl but I'm really not, I'm a fiercely independent woman who doesn't need a man in her life and has managed on my own for most of the last seven years but I can't get over that feeling, that feeling that I could have dropped everything for him, that I couldn't stop myself from touching him, something that I have seldom felt in my life and how it was ripped away from me, I know people that fall in love all the time but I'm not one of them, I'm sure it's easier if you are more used to it.

For once, why can't I feel that with someone that feels the same? Normally I don't get the electricity, I don't get the butterflies, let alone the zoo, for once I thought it was my turn, even if he lives miles away and it would have been awkward, I was prepared for that, I was prepared for it all and probably for the first time in my life ready to not have control over something.

I literally can't take my eyes off the phone, even as I write this I can see it out of the corner of my eye, if we have guardian angels etc I would really like one of them to give me a fucking break this time!

That horrible feeling....................

I spent the weekend with friends, which was nice, nothing to report really, various messages from various people, nothing exciting.

Mr Bumble has asked when he can see me again but nothing has been booked in as yet.

He messaged this morning to say I had been quiet so I sent him the following message, considering that I had sent the last message before saying I was quiet!

Hang on, kinda seems like you don't know how messaging works, a little lesson?

Please note that there are certain circumstances in which the following doesn't apply but this forms a general rule.

Person A messages Person B

Person B messages Person A

Person A messages Person B

Person B messages Person A

Person A messages Person B

Person B messages Person A

And so on!

I had some messages yesterday from the one with the girlfriend from last year and I didn't get much notice of them until this morning, when I was talking about a work event and realised the date, I have to say my heart hurts a little bit now.

He told me he was going home today (from Le Mans) but going to France again for a week on Monday, excellent I thought, he'll be back for when I go to Manchester for work (which if I'm honest was the reason I set the meeting up in Manchester and decided to stay for two nights instead of the one that I would normally do it in)

So, talking through diaries this morning with a colleague and I realise that I'm a week out and the Manchester trip is next week, when he'll be in France so again I won't see him, my heart sank, that's probably my last chance of being there for some time now, so I need to try to stop my heart hurting now and try again to get past it.

The thing with electricity is that it gives you all you need, it lights up your world when it's dark, keeps you warm when it's cold but it's dangerous to play with and can seriously hurt and kill you when it goes wrong, boy did it go wrong.

I can't get that bit of electricity that there as between us out of my head.

I need to go cold turkey with this one, I know that but I struggle so much with him, when I see his name flash up (I say his name but he is actually stored in my phone at Cunt Face, he knows this) it literally makes my heart beat faster, something that is a real rarity for me.

If you are reading the blog, please leave a comment, so I know I'm not just talking to myself (which is fine if I am!)

Second Date with Mr Bumble.........

I had a message on Tuesday evening to say that Mr Bumble's Wednesday meeting had cancelled and was I still ok to meet in London.

So we did, it was a beautiful day, I'd been indoors all day at a meeting which was pretty boring, so it was nice to get in the sun.

I quite like that he's always on time, he said that he's never late which is a trait that I quite like (although it maybe verges on reliable which isn't something that seems to suit me well later on!) he also came to where I was to meet me, despite me saying that I could meet him elsewhere.

Due to the weather it was unbelievably busy and I wanted to be outside, it took us a while to find a pub and we did a fair bit of walking, we eventually had dinner in a quieter part of London before leaving to go home around 10pm, it was a nice evening, we do get on well, no fireworks, butterflies or zoo's though, maybe it needs some time?

He did put his arm around me at one point but it was a little awkward as it was the side that my bag was on, he didn't go in for a kiss though, although we did hug on meeting and leaving, as I left he said he would like to do it again soon.

Have heard from him since.

On the way back I got a message from Prince Harry, he messaged to tell me that he has been posted, he was expecting a posting to Essex, which is one of the many reasons why when we met in January I couldn't see the point of meeting up again, he has however been posted to a lot nearer, probably about half an hour from me and has been saying that he would like us to see each other again, I, on the other hand am really not so sure!

Someone else has also appeared back with a message on POF, someone that I had chatted to for a bit last year, nothing to really report there.

Had some messages from 22, just general how are you, what have you been up to etc, it's nice, I find it quite sweet that he keeps in touch, makes it feel better!

Still talking intermittently to Cunt Face/Monkey Boy from last year, with the girlfriend, who no longer has THE girlfriend but could possibly have another by now, who knows eh? He's out at Le Mans for the 24 hour, he goes every year, used to go with his dad before he died, now goes with friend but came back last year in a bit of a state as it was the first one without his dad, I'm trying really hard to leave the responses so that they aren't straight away but I massively struggle with it, I am delighted when I get a message from him, it just makes me feel differently, I can't get past how I felt, don't get me wrong, I'm sure in time that would have faded and changed had it gone further but we didn't get chance to see that through, so it hasn't changed.

We chatted a bit on Tuesday evening, he was leaving for Le Mans on Weds, he sent the last message, with my plan not to respond until next week, however I got another message on Weds morning saying that he was now coming back next week, instead of July as he had planned, I asked why and he said that his Nan had died, I offered my condolences and just said that if he needed anything he know's where I am, which I got a thanks for.

I hope he wants to meet when I'm in Manchester at the end of the month, part of me desperately wants for me to see him and feel nothing, the other wants for there to be the full Sydney New Years Eve Fireworks display that happened on that fateful July day when we had our second date, I'm pretty sure that there will be an excuse as to why he can't meet me.

I'm not a girl that normally puts my heart on the line like this but I kind of think that when you get those feelings you maybe need to, the worst that can happen is that your heart can be broken, maybe sometimes you do have to let that happen?

Oh, a couple of weeks ago I ran into W@nk Bag in town on my lunch, I felt nothing, for the first time in seven years, no sick feeling, no anger, nothing and it was a BEAUTIFUL feeling, any power he had is gone, he's got fatter, he's as grey as it gets (I mean dull, boring, grey haired grey, not Mr Grey!)

Internet dating is terrible, just terrible............................

It is massively hard work for very little return, I don't believe for one minute that it is just me that has this problem.

I get LOADS of matches and then lots of chats but it turns into little or no dates and when there are dates it is with flaky people, yes, lets go out, oh I've double booked, sorry can we reschedule, etc. 

Sooooo, I've been on two dates with this guy that was really keen to meet, so much that date one he was asking if we could bring it forward as he was excited, we met, he was quite nice, asked if we could meet again before we left and messaged as soon as he arrived home. 

We continued to chat and met up for a second time, to be honest I liked him more the first time but it was after work, I'd been up since 5 and he was in his work clothes (I, on the other hand had been working an event and was in a dress, makeup and heels) 

We had a couple of hours and then he dropped me at the station to head home, he kissed me goodbye (he was a bit keen really) and off I went, I got a message from him on the way home to say he'd really enjoyed it and when could we meet up again. 

Anyway, since then he's fucked me around, making plans to meet yesterday, then not answering where we were meeting and a time so I told him to piss off, he has now wasted two of my days that could have been used for something else, that is more than enough.

He keeps getting back in touch, asking for one last chance and he likes me and blah, blah, blah........

I've had a date with another one, we'll call him Mr Bumble (you'll never guess which app we met on?!) We matched on the 22nd May (I didn't know that, he told me) what I didn't know when we matched was that he was on a business trip, which meant that he appeared much closer than he he is in real life, however he didn't reveal this little bit of info for a couple of days, we chatted on the app for a bit and then we exchanged numbers and whatsapped.

The problem being that he was working about 45 minutes away from me but he lives about two hours away from me, so that's an obvious stumbling block, however we seemed to get on well and he said he'd like to meet up.

I had a meeting in London last week and he suggested we meet there, unlike the last one, he confirmed before the date (even told me he was excited to meet me) he chose the meeting venue and messaged me to tell me that he was so eager that he had got there early, we met and got on really well, I'm not sure that there were any sparks but I'm also not sure that happens on a first date much in real life? It's only happened to me once in the last seven years after all!

He's not really tall enough at 5'10, he's VERY ginger, fairly small build, he is a lycra clad lane hogger, the kind of person that spends there weekends holding me up in the car but he seems quite nice, he messaged me before I got home to say he enjoyed meeting me in '3d' and would like to do it again soon, he asked me last night when I was in London again but I'm in the day this week that he can't do due to work, so that won't happen.

I have been calling him the serial dater, as he had three other dates the week we met and had another at the weekend, he tells me about them but when I ask about them he always tells me that they are 'ok' or a maximum of a three star (it's a bit of an on going joke!) last night he joked that a whole chapter of his book would be about Miss Bumble, so I asked him what it would say, he gave a brief description of our meeting and said that the 'handsome man (ha) wants more but gets mixed signals' which I guess is his way of telling me he doesn't really know where he is but I do think that the distance will make things difficult anyway, so we will see. 

Been chatting to a few others but I can honestly say that I'm pretty bored of it, nothing seems to work out and I'm not sure that there are any decent men around anymore, it's a shame really, I've had 7 years now where I have been pretty much single and I'm starting to hate the male population.

Cunt Face still pop's up from time to time, completely full on and then completely full off, he totally fucks with my head to be honest but I still can't get past how I felt when I was with him, the song 'Starving' pretty much sums up my feelings on that one 'I didn't know that I was starving till I tasted you, Don't need no butterflies when you give me the whole damn zoo' Oh I am bloody brilliant at picking them!