Tuesday, 18 July 2017

Frog Princess V Drunk Princess and the battle of the messages!

So, here goes………………….

I didn’t want to do an update the week before last because I’d read a message on a forum he uses (he doesn’t and won’t know I can see that) saying that for the event he was going to he ‘didn’t have a girlfriend this weekend’ which I read as not having a girlfriend for the weekend, not, not having a girlfriend…………………. Which made me wonder what he’s up to again, does he have a girlfriend, I know he did earlier in the year, I know he took a girl to the 24 hour, I even said in my post that I was suspicious of it when he told me, will I ever know? Probably not to be honest.

It hurt, it always does but wasn’t the total crash of heartbreak that it has been in the past, maybe his magic is wearing a little?

So, last week was my birthday, it’s officially my last year in my 30’s, which is a bit of a shocker if I’m honest, how did I get that old? Thankfully I’m always being told that I look younger, however I’m conscious that I’m running out of time now (if I’d like a family, which to be honest I’m not sure about but the thought of writing it off forever, however my age could take that option out of my hands)

I had arranged to go out on the Saturday night in Oxford (my hometown and best loved places for a night out) with a few of my closest friends and was meeting up with some of the boys I used to go out with in my teenage years, which I was really looking forward to.

So out were two girl friends that I’ve known since I was a teenager, one has my goddaughter and I see regularly, the other I get on really well with but only really see each other a couple of times a year, on nights out largely, also out were the Best Friend and his ex (out separately for my birthday not with each other) who is also a good friend of mine, we had a good laugh and a giggle about the past and a nice catch up, I could see the Best Friend and his ex getting closer, she admits that she has always loved him.

However she is now married (to the man that cheated on her first time around and I can’t stand due to that fact) Best Friend still has the girlfriend that he doesn’t love but sees a couple of times a week out of convenience, of the two girl friends, one is married, one is single.

Eventually we met up with the boys, which were made up by a guy I used to snog for most of the two years I was at college, at least on a weekly basis (it never went any further) his brother, who dated one of the friends briefly, their cousin, who apparently used to like me, a mate of theirs who used to be a right player but always nice and a friend of theirs that I didn’t know, all of them in relationships or married.

Sooooo, we had a great night, I danced until 3am, may have had a little snog ‘for old times sake’ with the mate from college but that’s that, yes, he is married but I didn’t initiate it and it was literally a snog and then off I went to dance with someone or the bar or something, it meant nothing and I imagine that is what he does all the time, it’s certainly the impression I got.

Anyway, excellent night, quite a substantial hangover on the Sunday, we went for breakfast at 10 and all I could manage was toast, I couldn’t even finish that. I woke up and realised I’d messaged Cunt Face the night before, it took me about two hours for me to read the message that I’d sent, you just never know what is going to happen when drunk Princess takes over town!

Anyway on the journey home I was thinking about the night before, of six men that had been out, all were in relationships, of the six one had behaved and done nothing, five of the six hadn’t, lets be honest, that’s not good odd’s is it? It’s really made me think about things, if I were to meet someone, what is the chance that they would be that one in six?

So, back to the messaging of the Drunk Princess, to be fair she doesn’t get drunk massively often, which is good and when she does she tends not to text people because she knows she is a bloody liability and regrets being a twat the next morning but we all know I have this little piece of invisible string that ties me to him.

So, in the head of the Drunk Princess it was a good idea to send him a message asking if he was stopping in on the way home from the show and telling him that sometimes it’s better to have someone in your life in whatever guise that takes, which is totally true but normal Frog Princess probably wouldn’t have told him that and if she had would have almost definitely worded it better, surely you know though if you get a text like that at 2am that there is a Drunk Princess somewhere holding her throbbing little head and wishing she’d not sent it?

When I saw a message flash up on my phone on the way to breakfast I have to admit to not really believing he’d responded and if I’m honest not wanting to read the message, oh Drunken Princess whatever will we do with you?

It was a long message, first saying that he had to read it several times as he thought I’d called him Cunt Face, then saying that he’d realised I had, that he wouldn’t have time to stop as he had to pick his Mum up from hospital.

The long bit was that he was torn, he really wanted to progress things but isn’t sure he wouldn’t as he doesn’t know if it would work and isn’t ready for anything serious, he didn’t want to fuck me around after last times, enjoys my company, I’m lovely, blah…………………………. Probably one of the longest messages I’ve had from him.

Anyway I was feeling very hungover so left it for a bit, until I’d got home, got myself showered, in PJ’s and plonked myself on the sofa and then I put together a response.

I basically said that Cunt Face was now pretty much a term of endearment (my best friend/surrogate mum is called Slut Monster and calls me Bitch Monster) and that I was a bit drunk, fairly glad that he didn’t want to meet up as I was feeling pretty hungover and obviously hadn’t worded it very well but I meant that I would really like us to be friends, I’m glad we cleared the air and put the past behind us and that I’m likely to be doing trips up north quite a lot so it would be nice to meet up if he fancied it, another long message.

He responded saying ‘you tit I’ll ring you in a bit’ and I asked if that was meant for me, I didn’t expect him to ring, I’m used to him not doing what he says he will so I popped my head down and went to sleep (I often to that to stop myself staring at the bloody phone and ease my pained little heart a bit) I woke up to a missed call and a voicemail, saying he’d try later, I tried him and he didn’t answer.

Sooooooo, that was it for a week, I was good, never sent anymore messages, got on with things quite well, I’d love to say he doesn’t cross my mind, but he does and I’d be lying but it’s not all the time and really painful currently, it’s still too often and hurts though, more a bone ache than I just got stabbed in the fucking leg kinda hurt.

In that week I went on a date, he told me 20 minutes before meeting that he was hard of hearing, he then arrived at the pub and even walking up to me I couldn’t really recognise him, I reckon his photo’s are a good 10 years out of date, although with his hearing I struggled to understand him, it wasn’t easy, I was put off by him not looking how I expected and there was masses of silence, I lasted 40 minutes before telling him I wanted to miss the traffic, he asked if we could meet up again and I said no.

So, the birthday week was nice, I went to see some friends and people that I used to work with, which I loved but made me miss my old life, I had a couple of days at home and a fab day at a spa which was lovely, I’ve got to say that on my birthday I still had the pang of having no one special to spoil me but I have to say that some special people in my life did a brilliant job, I was getting dressed when the doorbell rang and a massive bouquet appeared from my boss, then flowers from another friend, followed by the friend I was going to the spa with arriving with flowers, getting home to flowers from another friend and then more turning up, my living room looks like a florist, however I absolutely love flowers, just a shame that they couldn’t have been spaced out to a bouquet a week!
The Spa day was amazing, it’s beautiful and some of the best treatments I’ve ever had at one of my favourite hotels followed by a brilliant little find of a pub for a lovely dinner.

He’d played on my mind a little, so much so that I’d had a nap on Friday afternoon to stop myself messaging him, however by Friday evening I wasn’t able to stop myself any longer and I text saying wasn’t he going to ring me, within about two minutes my phone rang and we had an hour long conversation.

General chat, flirting, etc, then he asked if I knew what he meant by his message, I played Blonde Princess, so he had to go over it, he said he really liked me blah, but he’s not sure if it would work with the distance I’d never trust him (not untrue that) he didn’t want to hurt me after what he’d done last time etc. I played like it was all ok, very cool.

I knew he was going to the Grand Prix on the Sunday (Don’t ask how I knew, I just did!) so I casually asked what he had planned for the weekend (expecting him to lie as the GP is VERY close to where I live)

He didn’t, he told me that a friend had given him a ticket, excellent I said, tell me how it goes as I’ve never been sure I wanted to go, he was probably a bit taken aback as I never mentioned meeting, he said he thought his mate might have invited him as he wanted a lift home but said that if he didn’t he’d pop in if that was ok, I told him that I was out Saturday but would probably be back so let me know.

As soon as we put the phone down he started messaging me and it all got a bit heated (as per) we messaged until around 2am again, he messaged me the next morning saying he hoped I’d slept well and I resisted responding until that evening, I kept it quite light hearted and jokey.
I went out Saturday night, in Leicester, with the person I’d been on holiday with last year, was the first time we’d seen each other after not getting on very well last on holiday, I hoped as it was one night it would be better but to be honest it wasn’t.

Again she was totally self absorbed, totally wants everyone to think she’s much younger than she is (she’s 53) and she turns into a total nightmare when she’s been drinking (she drinks a lot and probably has an issue, like everyday!)

So we sit down in this club, these guys come and sit down and one introduces himself to me, he notices my eye roll and tells me that he’s not chatting me up as he’s married and show’s me the ring, oh I think, maybe it won’t be so bad, they have several more friends come in and we chat a bit, where are you from, what do you do etc. Then they play the how old are you game, he tells me I must be much younger than him (he’s 37) and guesses I’m in my early 30’s, nice but you know boys, so they then guess hers and say early 40’s so she makes everyone guess and makes a big deal of how young she looks, does what she did on holiday, shows them photos of the kids and grandkids (that she hardly see’s) tells them way too much information and starts snogging one of them, now, one of them described her to me as going from 0-Slag in 20 minutes which is an apt description, there was nothing and no one she didn’t grind up against, it was a bit of an embarrassment really, the blokes (particularly the married one) kept touching and I kept moving away so she groped him as well as his mates, we got back to hers and I’d well and truly had enough of her and went to bed.

Got up four hours later with no hangover (probably because I’d not had a great time) I’d not intended to go to the racing but kinda needed cheering up and wasn’t keen on spending any more time with her, she was telling me how she keeps getting blocked on match…….. hmmmm, I wonder why! She’s also still telling everyone that she is shy and lacking in confidence, funny it’s not what I see! She’s still seeing her married boss, who’s married to her friend and continues to give her payrises and bonus’ but she thinks that’s ok, she is massively money oriented, when I found out what the man she snogged does I knew straight off she’d not be interested in him outside of lobbing herself at him that night, he’s a barman so he’s way beneath her and won’t earn enough, bearing in mind she works in accounts, had a big pay off from her ex husband and fucks her boss to make a living it’s a bit of double standards there!)

Anywho……. Sitting there Sunday morning I went through my options for the day, which were to go straight home (and wait to see if he messaged) to stay where I was then go home (and wait to see if he messaged) or to bugger off up the country to go and watch some bike racing with friends (and potentially miss him if wanted to meet) so, I couldn’t really be arsed to spend five hours in the car but knew I’d be disappointed if he didn’t turn up, which I thought was likely, so I used the ‘Fuck it’ analogy, which basically meant that I was going to watch the racing and if he did text it would be good for him to know that I wasn’t waiting around for him, so I told her I was going and asked if I could get a lift to my car (I had offered to drive to save us paying for two taxi’s) she said she’d just have a quick shower and she’d take me, she carried on talking, then had a shower, then washed and dried her hair and then straightened it, then she did her make up, it took forever to get to my car, I was getting a bit grumpy.

No, he didn’t message if you were wondering (not unexpected but still sinks the heart a bit, back to the dull aching of having sore bones!) but I had a great day, the sun was shining, it’s one of my favourite tracks (where he is going this week for a trackday) I got to see Guy Martin race, which is something I have wanted to do for years, he’s really too short, too hairy, too dirty for me but when you lob it all together it seems to make him really attractive! So it was all good really (well it was and it wasn’t, you know what I mean!)

While all this has been going on the Best Friend and his ex have been getting themselves into a bit of a mess, she still loves him and always has and now he’s decided that he might still feel the same which is all a bit messy, I got a bit angry with him on Sunday, partly because I think men are arseholes maybe, partly because I love them both and partly if I’m brutally honest because to see him get his Happily Ever After before Frog Princess does but that doesn’t mean I don’t want him to be happy because I do and I love them both. I worry that over the 10 years they were on and off that it didn’t work and that he wasn’t enough for her, he’s pretty non committal and very like me, she’s now settled with a man she says she loves, I honestly feel for her, he has nothing to lose, she does.

I messaged him this morning, saying that I love him and that I’ll support whatever decision they make together but asked that they thought it through and didn’t rush in before decision making as he has little to lose (a gf he’s not bothered about) and she has a lot, he agreed that I was right and thanked me, before we had quite a long messaging conversation. I guess she was also my hope that you can get over someone and move on with someone else, but that’s obviously not true and the fact that someone who states they are happy and has only been married just over a year can cheat on her husband and allegedly the man she loves, oh it’s all so confusing for my little Frog Princess head, I kinda prefer Drunk Princess, she thinks fuck the consequences much more than Frog Princess does! 

Thursday, 6 July 2017

I can't even..........

bear to update you to be honest, it's all made me just too, too sad for words at the moment.

Tuesday, 4 July 2017

My Week..........

No, of course he didn't rock up on Monday, he said that he'd had to book an earlier ferry, I told him that being friends was difficult when only one of us was participating, he said 'I know' and I wanted to punch him in the face with a chair.

Was a busy week with work, I was away in Manchester for two nights for meetings, so here's a funny story for you.

The Exec team that work for my boss get paid around £2m between them a year, sooooo I dragged £2m worth of staff from all around the country (Essex, Bristol, Scotland, Midlands) to a meeting in Manchester because I had hoped to see Cunt Face while I was there, however he was in France so I couldn't see him anyway, on top of the staff I booked two nights in a nice hotel, in the hope of getting to see him at some point in those three days, on top of that the hotel cost around £2000 for all of the rooms and another couple of thousand in planes, trains and cars, oh and dinner and did I get to see him? No, no I fucking didn't! 

Anyway, while I was in Manchester I caught up with a friend that I used to work with, we used to talk everyday at work and have kept in touch, she lives near Manchester. 

When we met she told me about her man troubles, why are they such idiots? She's seeing someone that can't make time for her regularly but thinks it's ok to go away for the weekend with his friends (and a single divorcee) I honestly don't know what is wrong with these men! 

On the subject of men being idiots, another friend had posted on Facebook this week that she had been speed dating and had a very similar experience to what I had when I tried several years ago, 18 decent looking, well turned out women with 18 men and not a decent one among them, one even told her after one minute that she wasn't 'his thing' and sat in silence for the next three minutes. 

So, in one week myself and two friends have experiences that totally echo mine on dating, now all three of us are women in our late 30's, all I would say fairly attractive, with good career's, not even jobs, real deal career's and yet still we can't find a decent man between us, two of us have no children, one has a great little girl, does it really need to be this hard?

We had a lovely evening in Manchester, largely taken up with discussions about men, she knew about Cunt Face from last time around and it was such a relief to finally tell someone and get it out of my head, we swapped a bit of advice (largely this was 'don't text him', 'you aren't mad', 'yes, I know you shouldn't but sometimes you just can't help it')

When we were talking advice I said that last year I'd have probably advised her differently, last year I would have told her to walk away and forget it but things have changed massively in this last year, I now realise that despite my mostly walking away from every thing and everyone that didn't tick all of my boxes, I'm not fussy, I've even walked away from my mother (it's a very long story and not for today) but I just can't do it, I want to but currently it's just not happening.

I know I give people too many chances, look at the Evil Twin for one, she's had more than anyone deserves really but that is the person I am and I can't change that, although I'm trying to get better and #bemorerudolf.

Mr Bumble had a little ginger flash, he had messaged me last weekend saying that he was in Northants on Monday so did I want to meet up, as I wasn't doing anything I agreed, he said his meeting should finish around 3:30 and then he'd wait around, cool I said. 

Monday lunchtime I got a message saying that his meeting had finished way early so he was going to head home, I was a little annoyed about this, largely because I had things to do after work, that I hadn't brought in with me as I thought I was going to have to rush straight off, so I didn't respond to him until Weds, when he suggested that we 'try again' I said that if we couldn't manage it in the same county then we probably didn't have much of a chance of making the distance work (he's in Surrey) he pretty much said he agreed, so that's that done, however he did get a bit stroppy with me this weekend, so I told him to get a grip, seriously men seem to have totally missed the dating etiquette part of the book!

So, I came back on Friday, I can honestly say that I spent most of the time I was up there being annoyed that I was up there when he wasn't and still I wasn't going to get to see him, men are bloody annoying! As I went up I passed the place we'd had our second date, which caused tears, mainly angry one's I think, I went out for dinner with our senior team on the Weds night and spent it largely angry, thinking what ungrateful brats they were when they were talking about their bonus etc (it's a big one and when you earn what they do it's pretty massive!) I pushed through it and the meeting and eventually getting home at around 7 on Friday night, exhausted. 

On Saturday I was due to go to the Superbikes to see my friends race, was struggling to decide on which day to go and had decided on Saturday so that I could have Sunday to do nothing at home and had told them I wasn't staying so that I could have Sunday without having to wake up. 

I felt rubbish on Saturday morning, it took me ages to get going (my Dr thinks I have CFS and we've been discussing it for years now, I struggle massively with tiredness and could sleep for days) and I eventually got there about 1, I opened my Snapchat to take a video and in the stories was his, a photo of him with a packed car, heading home from France. 

I debated messaging him, thought no, you are nuts, don't do it, no, message him, don't do it, what have you got to lose apart from your dignity, which you have obviously already lost with this one, no, don't do it, ah fuck it, whats the worst that can happen? 

Realistically the worst that could happen was for him to not respond or to respond saying no but as they say; you've got to be in it to win it. So I messaged him:

'Fancy stopping for a drink on your way through?' 

Within 15 minutes I had a message flash up, that heart stopping feeling of knowing that they are about to shatter your dreams, the I don't think I can read that because I know what it's going to be. 

Well, it wasn't, it wasn't what I expected at all, it was a bit weirdly worded but not what I expected, I got

'where would you like to meet you lovely big breasted chum of mine' 

I wasn't really sure how to take it, so I kind of took it that he got 'chum' in so I knew it was as friends, however there was part of me that was hoping that we'd meet and I would feel nothing for him, in the last year we have been through a lot and it's been an emotional roller coaster.

Messages went back and forth over what time to meet, he said he thought about 10:30 as it was around 2.5 hours from the ferry terminal, I obviously needed to leave the racing a bit earlier than planned (I wished I'd made a bit of an effort for racing that day, put a bit of makeup on, done my hair but I was tired and I hadn't! so I wanted enough time to get home, shower and change and get back out, all while appearing like I had come straight from racing ;-) 

I decided to leave at 6 to be home by around 8:30, giving me a little time to sort my act out, I was on edge all day after that, still not certain he'd turn up, in fact I expected him not to and to fob me off later. 

As I was walking out of the circuit I got a message from him saying that he'd not been allowed on his ferry as it had left 40 minutes early so was driving to Dunkirk to get on another one as the next one at Calais wasn't until 11pm, I thought that was his get out, it will be too late but he just said it would be later and about midnight, I don't think I cared terribly about the time, I just wanted to see him. 

We messaged a lot of the journey home, a bit matey, a bit flirty. 

I got home and sorted my act out, I tried on about four outfits and decided on a black cold shoulder dress, which looked like it could have been suitable for spending a day racing (when actually for racing I'd worn a denim skirt, vest top and flip flops, hair scraped back and no makeup) a bit of makeup, although that bit wasn't easy as I'd been burned in the day. 

I'm not feeling very happy with myself at the moment, I'd lost nearly two stone last year and looked pretty good, however it's all been going back on and I'm now over a stone back up and I look at myself and just see a fat, horrible person, I really do eat my feelings and it's not good, so I'm not feeling as confident as I was when I saw him in August, not helpful but it is what it is. 

Even on the journey I didn't know that he would show up, lets be honest, he's not exactly Mr Reliable is he? I pulled into the car park, at the services where we had first met nearly a year ago and I spotted his car, he was there, I couldn't really believe it and the nerves were all over the place, I pulled up with a space in between us and got out of the car, the first thing he did was cuddle me, I mean a proper cuddle, the kind of cuddle I've been needing for so long, he's a really good cuddler, it's a skill missing from a lot of people these days, they tend to do hugging and hugging and cuddling are two very different things. 

We walked into the services chatting away, got a drink and sat down, the conversation was pretty general, something was said about lying and he said he'd made that mistake with me once before and wasn't heading there again! I said I wasn't going to bring it up he said he thought he'd get in first.

A girl was mentioned a couple of times, not a girlfriend he said but a girl friend, that had gone to Le Mans with them, I knew there had been as I'd seen a photo of him, with a girl behind him, blonde which seems to be his thing, definitely less weight on her than me, he talked about her as a friend but you don't know do you? Especially with someone that has lied to you before.

I don't think he totally believed me that he was stored in my phone as Cunt Face, so he sent me a message and it popped up, he believes me now! 

It was nice, I didn't feel quite the pull that I had on previous occasions but there was still something rather big there looming, I just want to touch him, looking at that it makes it sound weird, but that's not how I mean it. I did look at him several times and think that looks wise he isn't my thing but I guess like with W@nk Bag before him that's how it happens, the person that isn't your type to look at is the one that ends up being the only person to ever break your heart, surely it should be the hotties breaking your heart?

We walked out to the cars and he asked if we were friends now, he again apologised for what he had done,  I agreed that we were and he put his arm around me as we walked to the cars, he kept hugging me, we kept saying goodbye and then walking back towards each other, it was a bit ridiculous really if you'd had been there people watching. 

And then he kissed me, or I kissed him maybe? I think he kissed me but one of us kissed the other one and everything I had been trying to block out flowed through every bit of me, I literally wanted him so much. He's a pretty shit hot kisser too. 

Unluckily (or luckily maybe) my period had arrived that morning (10 days early, maybe someone was trying to tell me something?) he obviously doesn't know that is the reason. I dread to think what might have happened (and I'm equally quite gutted that we didn't get the chance) it all got a bit heated, he was quite surprised when I'd remembered the thing that makes him go a little crazy and I slid my hand down his neck, well it still works! 

It all got a bit heated, it does between us I guess, it's all good until he touches me and then it's game over, we eventually left (a load of caravans had arrived at the car park, if they were people watching like I do they would have definitely thought we were having an affair, two cars in a car park and two people that can't keep their hands off each other!)

He took my hand and popped it onto his groin, his body was pretty obviously reacting in the same way that mine was, I mentioned that always seems to happen when we are together and he blamed it on the 'hot blonde standing in front of him!

As soon as I left, before I'd got out of the slip road he'd messaged me with an emoji which according to google is the no emotion emoji! I responded with a ?? to which he said I was a tease, a whirl of messages went back and forth along with a whirl of emotions (my end for sure, who know's about his) it was gone 3am when we stopped talking and he said goodnight, I left it with him sending the last message but I had hoped he'd send a further message on Sunday, yeah he didn't.

When we were talking he said he was at the car show in Peterborough on the weekend and he might pop in on the way back if he wasn't too tired, I can't imagine he will but I can always hope to be surprised can't I? It was the same car show that let him out last year, when he said he didn't know where it was but he did and the girlfriend was going with him, I don't let myself forget what he's done, or the lies that he's told but that doesn't make shutting him out any easier.

I spent Sunday in a happy little bubble (still waiting for messages but a happy bubble at that) thinking back to the night before and those feelings that I just can't let go.

I've been pretty good really, I didn't message him today, just a casual message asking how it was to be back at work, he said shit and sent a meme, not heard from him since, I hate seeing that screen without a message on, it really does drive me a little bit bonkers, but to be fair I'm pretty limited in what I can do apart from wait. 

On Saturday he'd told me that he was going to a Trackday at one of my favourite tracks, I saw which company were doing it and knew that it was likely that one of my old members of staff might be working it, I dropped him a message and asked him if he'd go and give him some instruction on the day, which he says he will, I'm maybe too nice but I really do like doing nice things for people when I can, it's a small thing but if it was me I would be delighted to get some free instruction from a really amazing instructor like my friend is (he is one of my top three, not an easy place to get to!)

I did joke with my friend that the friend I want him to instruct spends a lot of time on my kill list and therefore I may want him to aim the car at the barrier and then jump out sending Cunt Face (he doesn't know that's his name!) through the barrier!

Happy is probably going to stop any time soon, I'm fully aware of that, maybe, just maybe it will be different this time?

Friday, 23 June 2017

The response came............

Only 24 hours after I'd sent the message, he said he'd only just seen it (bullshit) and that he's going past again Monday and coming back the following weekend, so 'can then if you fancy'

I didn't respond until today, saying that Monday would be ok, I still imagine that he won't rock up!

Mr Bumble has been quiet, say's he's been busy which he probably has but I'm crap with silence, I'm always fast in my responses but I'm taking my time now, which is obviously annoying him as he then sends further messages!

Men are fucking idiots!

Wednesday, 21 June 2017

A tough night...............

Did the message come? Of course it didn't, I knew, really deep down that it wouldn't but that doesn't mean that I didn't desperately want it to.

So, the evening was spent with some tears, feeling rather sorry for myself to be honest, if I checked my phone I checked it a million times but the message didn't come, I know he'd been online as he'd updated his Instagram (I know, I know!) 

Mr Bumble has been quiet but to be fair I have brought back a rule of mine that I have been neglecting for some time now.

In December I saw this little picture and on seeing it I decided that instead of not making a New Years Resolution like normal that this year I would make one, that resolution was to #bemorerudolf which essentially means that I will try to treat people how they treat me, if they take ages to respond I do the same, if they look after me when I need it, I'll do the same, if they don't treat me very well, I'll do the same. It's been a bit of an eye opener really and it's making my circle a lot smaller but is that a bad thing? 
Some examples of how #bemorerudolf work are the Evil Twin, she wasn't around when I needed her in December, you'll note this is a theme, I'm there for her, she's not there for me, so I've not messaged her since Xmas and guess what? She's not messaged me either, so six months along and we've not spoken, funny that eh? 

In January, I arranged to go to the cinema and for dinner and catch up with a friend, she then invited other people (that I didn't know) so when she asked about tickets in a group chat (I hate group chat anyway) I private messaged her and told her I wasn't going, she didn't seem to get the idea and we've spoken very little since, had she asked I would have been fine with it but people seem to have no manners these days. 

Anyway, back to Mr Bumble, I sent the last message (unread) so when he messages I will ensure that I don't do my usual and message straight back, to be fair one of the reasons I message straight back is because I forget about it if I don't. 

I still feel a bit down in the dumps today to be honest, I wish I was brave enough to take myself off on holiday by myself but unfortunately I'm not, I kind of want to escape myself and my head but sadly it's the thing that you can't get away from. 

Will another message come? Maybe, who knows, maybe when he needs something, or someone? Maybe when the new girlfriend bins him? Will I run to him? Time will tell I guess. 

Tuesday, 20 June 2017

Sometimes when............

You send a message and your heart beats louder, harder and sits in your throat, really you know that if you do get a response it won't be the one you want and that you probably won't but there is still that stupid part of you that wants the response to say what it does in your head.

That's where I am now, he sent me a message saying he was on his way back (to my message asking if he was home) I sent a message asking if he fancied a stop at the services for a drink on the way back.

I know I probably won't get an answer and if I do it's likely to say that he's already home or hasn't got time or something like that, I also know that I'm sat in the office with work clothes that I wouldn't want him to see me in really and hair that I didn't wash this morning because I couldn't be arsed and wasn't going anywhere special (it's not dirty but not how I'd want him to see it) I know that I've put weight on and feel no where near as good about myself since I last saw him.

I also know that there is a massive part of me that desperately wants to see his face, to see if that electricity is still there between us when we touch, for the last time I saw him to not have ended with me sobbing for the whole of the two and a half hour journey home, for me to see him and wonder what I saw in him, but mainly for that feeling of the whole zoo instead of butterflies.

I know it's unlikely, I know he'll have a whole host of excuses but as I said, maybe, just maybe I have to stop trying to no get myself hurt and open up to whatever could be a little? (I'm not sure I really mean him in that if I'm honest, maybe just people in )

I can see he's online on Whatsapp, he's just reappeared (I know, I'm sad, I have his Whatsapp screen stood up on my desk facing me so that I could see if he had been on) he's not read the message yet, those all important two blue ticks aren't there, but he could have read it because he's online so he's probably seen it (does it say online when you aren't looking at the app? I don't know) My heart is literally sitting in my mouth, why do we put ourselves through this when we know what the outcome is? It's not like he's not had the chances is it? I would literally ditch work at this moment and go and meet him and yet he won't stop on the way through (I imagine there is probably a girl with him anyway to be honest, however I can't let my heart believe that at the moment, although it took absolute proof for me to believe about the girlfriend last time.

I know it sounds like I'm a stupid, silly girl but I'm really not, I'm a fiercely independent woman who doesn't need a man in her life and has managed on my own for most of the last seven years but I can't get over that feeling, that feeling that I could have dropped everything for him, that I couldn't stop myself from touching him, something that I have seldom felt in my life and how it was ripped away from me, I know people that fall in love all the time but I'm not one of them, I'm sure it's easier if you are more used to it.

For once, why can't I feel that with someone that feels the same? Normally I don't get the electricity, I don't get the butterflies, let alone the zoo, for once I thought it was my turn, even if he lives miles away and it would have been awkward, I was prepared for that, I was prepared for it all and probably for the first time in my life ready to not have control over something.

I literally can't take my eyes off the phone, even as I write this I can see it out of the corner of my eye, if we have guardian angels etc I would really like one of them to give me a fucking break this time!

That horrible feeling....................

I spent the weekend with friends, which was nice, nothing to report really, various messages from various people, nothing exciting.

Mr Bumble has asked when he can see me again but nothing has been booked in as yet.

He messaged this morning to say I had been quiet so I sent him the following message, considering that I had sent the last message before saying I was quiet!

Hang on, kinda seems like you don't know how messaging works, a little lesson?
Please note that there are certain circumstances in which the following doesn't apply but this forms a general rule.

Person A messages Person B
Person B messages Person A
Person A messages Person B
Person B messages Person A
Person A messages Person B
Person B messages Person A

And so on!

I had some messages yesterday from the one with the girlfriend from last year and I didn't get much notice of them until this morning, when I was talking about a work event and realised the date, I have to say my heart hurts a little bit now.

He told me he was going home today (from Le Mans) but going to France again for a week on Monday, excellent I thought, he'll be back for when I go to Manchester for work (which if I'm honest was the reason I set the meeting up in Manchester and decided to stay for two nights instead of the one that I would normally do it in)

So, talking through diaries this morning with a colleague and I realise that I'm a week out and the Manchester trip is next week, when he'll be in France so again I won't see him, my heart sank, that's probably my last chance of being there for some time now, so I need to try to stop my heart hurting now and try again to get past it.

The thing with electricity is that it gives you all you need, it lights up your world when it's dark, keeps you warm when it's cold but it's dangerous to play with and can seriously hurt and kill you when it goes wrong, boy did it go wrong.

I can't get that bit of electricity that there as between us out of my head.

I need to go cold turkey with this one, I know that but I struggle so much with him, when I see his name flash up (I say his name but he is actually stored in my phone at Cunt Face, he knows this) it literally makes my heart beat faster, something that is a real rarity for me.

If you are reading the blog, please leave a comment, so I know I'm not just talking to myself (which is fine if I am!)