Cake Destroyer Date.......

So, my last update was Thursday, pre dinner with the BF's ex, we had a lovely evening, despite sulking about it BF didn't come, the ex accidentally sent him a message meant for me that said she was trying to put him off coming, apparently that went down a storm.

We talked a lot about them and the situation, she still loves my BF and always has but says she loves her husband too, this is a concept I can't really grasp, I don't understand being in love with two people, hopefully I never will as it sounds very confusing.

We had such a laugh, even without alcohol, she messaged me later telling me that I was just what she needed, my friends can generally rely on me to put a bit of realism to what they are doing, she said that she was glad she hadn't cheated on her husband, I told her that I thought that what they were doing was just as bad, for me having an emotional relationship with someone can be a lot worse than a physical one, it's a lot harder to get in my head than it is to get in my bed (not that, that is easy, if it were there would be a lot more to report here!) just look at the Cunt Face saga, he's never got into my bed but boy has he done some stuff with my head.

Talking of Dear Cunt Face, he's been quiet, not really anything new, he'll go quiet, pop up send me a barrage of messages, boom, he's gone, crazy that I still respond really, I'm not sure why I do, if I were giving myself advice I would be telling myself I was nuts and to keep well away........ he know's I'm up there Thursday and said he is on training and will check the times, I don't expect to hear from him or to see him, however you know I'd like to.

I had a great weekend, I went to the Rugby on Saturday with the Space Cadet, it's funny really we get on so well and I love him to bits but we would never have worked out, I'm actually glad that we ditched it when we did and have become such good friends.

Anyway, I said I would bake for Space Cadet as he was a right grumpy arse on Friday about the fact he's working too much (I don't think he is really, he doesn't like working - who does? and just gives more reasons to moan) so I made the Carrot Cake that Cake Destroyer had talked about with the intention of taking it Sunday and a batch of Brownies, as well as a mini Carrot Cake for SC.

I had giggles over the Carrot Cake, from our first message CD and I have been talking cake, so he said he would swap me guns for cake, I had asked him what cake he wanted and he said a Carrot Cake with a Walnut Face and a Cherry on the top, so that is exactly what I made, I posted a photo on Facebook (not mentioning what it was for) and my friends all said that they thought it looked a bit sinister or like the Wicker Man, which I thought was even funnier, we'd had a bit of a joke about my slightly scary cake in our messages.

I thought about asking him on Friday if we were still meeting on Sunday (the cake would have got a good home elsewhere anyway so it was no bother) but I decided that it was no biggie either way so I didn't. We continued chatting with these long messages that run Tinder out of characters.

On Saturday evening I got a message asking if I was still up for meeting, so I said yes, I actually felt a little excited about it, I think because we'd exchanged so many proper messages. He told me that he had to be back in the base by 6 so would need to leave by 4:30/5:00 to make sure he was, I suggested meeting around 2 saying that a couple of hours should give us plenty of time, he agreed. Based on my last date which lasted a whole 40 minutes (max!) quite often less than an hour is enough.

He checked on Sunday where we were meeting and I suggested where I had met the Bumble guy a couple of months ago, about 40 minutes from home and in the middleish, he suggested we swap numbers to make it easier, which we did.

So, we met, he looked like him, although again I'd say he was a little better in the photos that he was in real life but at least this time I recognised him straight off, I think he'll look nicer without the squaddie hair cut that he has to have currently, however when he finishes his basic training it shouldn't need to be quite so short, he looks better with a bit more hair.

We met around 2, he was a few minutes late, but we didn't leave until 5 which meant that he was cutting it a bit fine to get back in time.

We weren't lacking in conversation, he wasn't brilliant at eye contact and had some weird facial movements with his nose going on (like a twitch kinda thing) however he may well have been nervous so I'm not going to write him off for that just yet.

We talked about all sorts, he wanted to know about Cunt Face (we'd done best date/worst date) and also about the deaf guy that looked nothing like his photos, he said that his worst date had been with someone that told him how many people liked her and that she was arrogant and his best had been with someone he'd clicked with, I did say that the Cunt Face thing was a long story but kept it to the gruesome details, he said that he found it hard to believe that people would do something like that and how wrong it was, I, of course agreed, I didn't mention that CF and I are still in touch, seemed pointless and it's not like we talk all of the time.

Our moral compasses appear to point in the same direction, he knows about BF and the Ex, and like me can't see how you can love two people at the same time, he was talking about a couple of the guys that are on training with him and how they cheat on their girlfriends all the time without thinking about it and he thinks that's wrong.

Interestingly his brother met his wife online so he does have a bit more hope than me about it, as he's seen it work, although apparently in his best mans speech his Mum told him not to mention how they met, like it was a bad thing, I (and he) thought that was a bit silly as it was obviously a good thing and worked.

We talked about his ex, from what he said she was quite like W@nk Bag, she turned him into a person he wasn't, it was easier not to go out and not get the crap for it etc, I remember when I was with him, if I talked to his mates he used to accuse me of flirting with them and if I didn't he used to call me a miserable bitch, to the point of me just not going out as it wasn't worth the hassle or the argument it would have caused. He said that she used to make him video his mates if he was out to make sure that they weren't out with girls etc, a bit crazy!

As we were leaving, I asked if he wanted his Wicker Man Carrot Cake, he was a little surprised I think that I'd actually made it (I did say) I think he was genuinely a little taken aback by it (in a nice way)

We had a nice time, no immediate chemistry but I'd see him again, I got a message from him just after he got back saying that he make it just on time, he'd had a lovely time spent in my company, the cake was a surprise and my baking skills were 'on point' he said later he'd have happily spent more time with me if he could have (we were together 3 hours which I think is pretty good for a first date) anyway he's on exercise now for a week, so I don't expect to hear from him, which is a shame really.

He seems nice and genuine but I'm sure I'd have said the same about CF just over a year ago by this time last year I knew but he didn't know I knew quite yet, I remember the devastation I felt (it has literally just made me go cold thinking about it) it makes me a little sad that I still feel enough a year on to have that reaction to even thinking about it, I honestly thought he would have disappeared to a distant memory by now, although maybe it's hard to make them a memory when you keep thinking of them and you can't quite put them in the ditch they deserve to be in?

I am getting better, I don't think about him all day, every day now but I don't think there is a day when he doesn't have a little wander through my head, I know it will go away at some point, I honestly do I just wish it would hurry up.

Anyway, another week is upon us!

A very long and tiring week........

I can't say it's because I'm rushed off my feet, actually if anything it's probably the polar opposite of that, I'm nor feeling it at the moment anyway, I'm not going to lie. I have decided that we probably can make things work if all of the offices change and mine isn't here anymore, so that's good news (I think)

Cunt Face has been decidedly quiet, I'm up there on a visit next week but I think it's highly unlikely that I'll get to see him, nothing new there then and the other friends I was hoping to catch up with are away, so I'm kinda regretting it now!

I have a date on Sunday, that's a bit of a shocker isn't it? I'm going to call him the Cake Destroyer, we matched on the 16th of July and it's very, very rare that I message first but I did, he was cute but his profile also said that he was a destroyer of cakes and I happen to bake a lot of cakes, so I asked what his favourite cake was, he responded saying he could make an Olympic Sport out of it and asked what was my piece de resistance, which meant a few messages whizzed back and forth regarding cake, he then brought up lots of other questions and a nice, not the normal boring, what do you do kinda conversation ensued.

Messages have been whizzing back and forth daily for nearly two weeks now and did you know that Tinder has a character limit on messages? No? Neither did we, however we reached it, not something I thought would ever happen on Tinder!

So, he's 29 (I know, what's 10 years between friends?!) but will be 30 shortly, he's in the RAF as a new recruit after a career change, so he's currently in basic training, he's based (for now) about an hour and a quarter away from me, although after training could end up anywhere.

It's definitely the most articulate conversation that I have ever had from a dating site, he's 5'11 so he's just under my height range but I could probably live with that, we've spoken every day I think.

He had a night out in Oxford last weekend, so I advised him on where he should go and he had a good night, he had made a couple of 'I've got the weekend off and I need things to do' about last weekend, however partly I didn't pick up on it and I was away anyway so that wouldn't have worked, although I had thought the other day that he hadn't got around to asking me out but looking back he had maybe hinted at it.

So, a couple of days ago I got a message saying that he was on duty Saturday but had Sunday off so would I like to meet up, I'm not really into weekend dating as I hate being disappointed at a weekend, however we seem to have a lot in common so I said yes, so Sunday we are meeting for a drink, we'll see how that goes eh?

I imagine it will turn out that either I won't like him, or I'll like him and he won't like me, which seems the way things work out for me!

He has said that he is bucking the Tinder trend and is going to find the perfect woman, so he's after Miss Right and I'm after Prince Charming, sounds like there are a lot of things that could go wrong here!!!

I'm out for dinner tonight with the Best Friends Ex, it sounds like BF still wants to come, even though the Car Salesman isn't, which I have to be honest I'm not very keen on, at least is CS was there it would take the pressure off of the situation a bit, I'm not up for playing piggy in the middle and the night was organised so that all four of us could catch up, should I stamp my feet?

Monday.....................

It's a well known fact that I hate Monday's, this one feels particularly bad to be honest, I've been away for the weekend (spent it in a race truck) so I got zero sleep and I'm super tired.

No real updates, the ex has decided she isn't leaving the husband for the Best Friend, so that's done, although we are all supposed to be out this week, whether that will happen I don't know.

Cunt Face was in touch on Friday, with a rude meme, he's been quiet all weekend, I messaged him this morning (meme) and that's about it, I get twitchy when we are going into more days, I know where it is but it seems that my heart and my head are just not ready to communicate with each other, will they ever be when it comes to him?

I literally have willpower of steel, I can ignore anyone for months/years but he really effects me badly and I do hate it (primarily probably because so few people have that power over me) but then there is the other part where my body just responds to him when he's near me like it's the most natural thing in the world.

Few messages on the apps, Tinder, Bumble and POF all offering up men and messages but I'm just so past it at the moment.

I had a bit of a bombshell dropped at work last week, which meant I went home feeling rather miserable and sorry for myself, the short version is that I'm going to be spending a lot more time in Manchester (which is quite close to where he is) which kinda, really breaks my heart a little more, also it will cause me issues with one of my hobbies, as at certain times of the year I can't have nights away, which makes it impossible I guess, so I probably need to look for a new job but that could happen really anytime between now and December 2018, December 2017 being more likely.

The sad thing is that just over a year ago when he was talking about us being together and how I could move up there, that chance is really here now, however he isn't here with it, I use Timehop on my phone and it reminds me that this time last year I had been on that incredible date but that then I had found out about her and that everything he had ever told me had been a lie. I'd known from that second date that it was going to be one of those all consuming things, that you find so rarely in life, I'd felt it at the service station 10 days before but not quite in the strength that I had felt that day, I would have dropped everything and moved then which is pretty amazing for someone like me to say, I don't fall easily, I have lived with two men in my life, the first one had taken a year to move in together and was really out of necessity (my Mum was moving and I had to go somewhere so we kind of got swept together) and the second was with W'nk Bag, we'd already been together four years when he moved in and he moved in on me going 'this is either make or break' as we know it was break, just eight months later.

Blue Eyes and I dated for 12/18 months and when he decided he'd like to move in I decided it was time to move on, so this definitely isn't me and now I get the chance to do it all and he's not there, he's vague, not around, on and off, all of the things I know him as but it doesn't stop the 'what if' we could be having a new start now, but then he'd probably be cheating on me, just like he was on her, leopards don't change, I know that, that, however doesn't stop my heart beating out of my chest when his name pops up on my phone screen.

Funny isn't it, that if I was asking me for advice on this, my advice would be to keep the hell away from him...............

How different life could have been, if only he wasn't a lying cunt.

Are all men just scumbags?

I'm seriously starting to think that this is the case, so we had the 5/6 on the Oxford night out, the married man on the Leicester night out, then this week I've had several Tinder messages that are pretty much or literally 'wanna fuck' now I get that it's Tinder but there must be others that use it for other things apart from getting laid? If I wanted to get laid I honestly wouldn't bother with an app, I'd just use the contacts in my phone and probably go somewhere I've already been (would keep the numbers down for one thing!)

On the number subject of numbers, I'm not sure if numbers are a thing or not but I always feel bad about mine, it's not massive but neither is it small - it's 14 for those of you that are curious) so I decided last year that my number if any potential partners ask is 9, and I'm sticking to that, the other five are insignificant/didn't mean a great deal/in the past etc so that's how it's going to be, it might stay at 9 now until I meet Prince Charming - I do fear though that I'll be Dead Princess by the time that happens.

Anywho someone from the past continues to appear, I'm sure I've written about him before, I was seeing him when I was young, oh so very young (17) he had a girlfriend (I know, I know) we used to spend lots of time together back then, he keeps popping up and seeing if I want to meet him, he messaged last night asking if I fancied dinner and a hotel, I messaged back today saying I found wives a bit of a turn off....... he said something about spontaneity, I'm not going to go there, ever but why do they have to do it?

Stingy keeps reappearing on the scene, he messaged yesterday apologising for missing my birthday as he was out at the ring - I do actually believe that this one is single, I know a fucking miracle but then he never manages meeting!

Space Cadet and I are talking about going on holiday together but then he asked for photo's of my boobs, weirdly this year has been the first time he has ever done that, his brother continues to message regularly.

The one I used to go to school with still messages and snapchats me, despite being back with the girlfriend.

The Best Friend and the Ex saga continues and the Best Friend has now chucked the Car Salesman back into the mix (who is now also married) don't get me wrong it's not like I'd go there again but they all want to meet for dinner next week, just like old times - If I'm honest I can't remember a lot of going out for dinner in those days, what I do remember is a lot of clubbing, sex, meeting up, trying not to let anyone from work clock what was going on between us and trying to time our entrances and exits at work so it didn't look like we'd spent the night together, oh happy times!

Have I heard from Cunt Face? No, oh I just realised that I used to call him Monkey Boy, so if you think they are different people they aren't!

Are they all scum bags or have I just had a really bad run of it?

Frog Princess V Drunk Princess and the battle of the messages!

So, here goes………………….

I didn’t want to do an update the week before last because I’d read a message on a forum he uses (he doesn’t and won’t know I can see that) saying that for the event he was going to he ‘didn’t have a girlfriend this weekend’ which I read as not having a girlfriend for the weekend, not, not having a girlfriend…………………. Which made me wonder what he’s up to again, does he have a girlfriend, I know he did earlier in the year, I know he took a girl to the 24 hour, I even said in my post that I was suspicious of it when he told me, will I ever know? Probably not to be honest.

It hurt, it always does but wasn’t the total crash of heartbreak that it has been in the past, maybe his magic is wearing a little?

So, last week was my birthday, it’s officially my last year in my 30’s, which is a bit of a shocker if I’m honest, how did I get that old? Thankfully I’m always being told that I look younger, however I’m conscious that I’m running out of time now (if I’d like a family, which to be honest I’m not sure about but the thought of writing it off forever, however my age could take that option out of my hands)

I had arranged to go out on the Saturday night in Oxford (my hometown and best loved places for a night out) with a few of my closest friends and was meeting up with some of the boys I used to go out with in my teenage years, which I was really looking forward to.

So out were two girl friends that I’ve known since I was a teenager, one has my goddaughter and I see regularly, the other I get on really well with but only really see each other a couple of times a year, on nights out largely, also out were the Best Friend and his ex (out separately for my birthday not with each other) who is also a good friend of mine, we had a good laugh and a giggle about the past and a nice catch up, I could see the Best Friend and his ex getting closer, she admits that she has always loved him.

However she is now married (to the man that cheated on her first time around and I can’t stand due to that fact) Best Friend still has the girlfriend that he doesn’t love but sees a couple of times a week out of convenience, of the two girl friends, one is married, one is single.

Eventually we met up with the boys, which were made up by a guy I used to snog for most of the two years I was at college, at least on a weekly basis (it never went any further) his brother, who dated one of the friends briefly, their cousin, who apparently used to like me, a mate of theirs who used to be a right player but always nice and a friend of theirs that I didn’t know, all of them in relationships or married.

Sooooo, we had a great night, I danced until 3am, may have had a little snog ‘for old times sake’ with the mate from college but that’s that, yes, he is married but I didn’t initiate it and it was literally a snog and then off I went to dance with someone or the bar or something, it meant nothing and I imagine that is what he does all the time, it’s certainly the impression I got.

Anyway, excellent night, quite a substantial hangover on the Sunday, we went for breakfast at 10 and all I could manage was toast, I couldn’t even finish that. I woke up and realised I’d messaged Cunt Face the night before, it took me about two hours for me to read the message that I’d sent, you just never know what is going to happen when drunk Princess takes over town!

Anyway on the journey home I was thinking about the night before, of six men that had been out, all were in relationships, of the six one had behaved and done nothing, five of the six hadn’t, lets be honest, that’s not good odd’s is it? It’s really made me think about things, if I were to meet someone, what is the chance that they would be that one in six?

So, back to the messaging of the Drunk Princess, to be fair she doesn’t get drunk massively often, which is good and when she does she tends not to text people because she knows she is a bloody liability and regrets being a twat the next morning but we all know I have this little piece of invisible string that ties me to him.

So, in the head of the Drunk Princess it was a good idea to send him a message asking if he was stopping in on the way home from the show and telling him that sometimes it’s better to have someone in your life in whatever guise that takes, which is totally true but normal Frog Princess probably wouldn’t have told him that and if she had would have almost definitely worded it better, surely you know though if you get a text like that at 2am that there is a Drunk Princess somewhere holding her throbbing little head and wishing she’d not sent it?

When I saw a message flash up on my phone on the way to breakfast I have to admit to not really believing he’d responded and if I’m honest not wanting to read the message, oh Drunken Princess whatever will we do with you?

It was a long message, first saying that he had to read it several times as he thought I’d called him Cunt Face, then saying that he’d realised I had, that he wouldn’t have time to stop as he had to pick his Mum up from hospital.

The long bit was that he was torn, he really wanted to progress things but isn’t sure he wouldn’t as he doesn’t know if it would work and isn’t ready for anything serious, he didn’t want to fuck me around after last times, enjoys my company, I’m lovely, blah…………………………. Probably one of the longest messages I’ve had from him.

Anyway I was feeling very hungover so left it for a bit, until I’d got home, got myself showered, in PJ’s and plonked myself on the sofa and then I put together a response.

I basically said that Cunt Face was now pretty much a term of endearment (my best friend/surrogate mum is called Slut Monster and calls me Bitch Monster) and that I was a bit drunk, fairly glad that he didn’t want to meet up as I was feeling pretty hungover and obviously hadn’t worded it very well but I meant that I would really like us to be friends, I’m glad we cleared the air and put the past behind us and that I’m likely to be doing trips up north quite a lot so it would be nice to meet up if he fancied it, another long message.

He responded saying ‘you tit I’ll ring you in a bit’ and I asked if that was meant for me, I didn’t expect him to ring, I’m used to him not doing what he says he will so I popped my head down and went to sleep (I often to that to stop myself staring at the bloody phone and ease my pained little heart a bit) I woke up to a missed call and a voicemail, saying he’d try later, I tried him and he didn’t answer.

Sooooooo, that was it for a week, I was good, never sent anymore messages, got on with things quite well, I’d love to say he doesn’t cross my mind, but he does and I’d be lying but it’s not all the time and really painful currently, it’s still too often and hurts though, more a bone ache than I just got stabbed in the fucking leg kinda hurt.

In that week I went on a date, he told me 20 minutes before meeting that he was hard of hearing, he then arrived at the pub and even walking up to me I couldn’t really recognise him, I reckon his photo’s are a good 10 years out of date, although with his hearing I struggled to understand him, it wasn’t easy, I was put off by him not looking how I expected and there was masses of silence, I lasted 40 minutes before telling him I wanted to miss the traffic, he asked if we could meet up again and I said no.

So, the birthday week was nice, I went to see some friends and people that I used to work with, which I loved but made me miss my old life, I had a couple of days at home and a fab day at a spa which was lovely, I’ve got to say that on my birthday I still had the pang of having no one special to spoil me but I have to say that some special people in my life did a brilliant job, I was getting dressed when the doorbell rang and a massive bouquet appeared from my boss, then flowers from another friend, followed by the friend I was going to the spa with arriving with flowers, getting home to flowers from another friend and then more turning up, my living room looks like a florist, however I absolutely love flowers, just a shame that they couldn’t have been spaced out to a bouquet a week!

The Spa day was amazing, it’s beautiful and some of the best treatments I’ve ever had at one of my favourite hotels followed by a brilliant little find of a pub for a lovely dinner.

He’d played on my mind a little, so much so that I’d had a nap on Friday afternoon to stop myself messaging him, however by Friday evening I wasn’t able to stop myself any longer and I text saying wasn’t he going to ring me, within about two minutes my phone rang and we had an hour long conversation.

General chat, flirting, etc, then he asked if I knew what he meant by his message, I played Blonde Princess, so he had to go over it, he said he really liked me blah, but he’s not sure if it would work with the distance I’d never trust him (not untrue that) he didn’t want to hurt me after what he’d done last time etc. I played like it was all ok, very cool.

I knew he was going to the Grand Prix on the Sunday (Don’t ask how I knew, I just did!) so I casually asked what he had planned for the weekend (expecting him to lie as the GP is VERY close to where I live)

He didn’t, he told me that a friend had given him a ticket, excellent I said, tell me how it goes as I’ve never been sure I wanted to go, he was probably a bit taken aback as I never mentioned meeting, he said he thought his mate might have invited him as he wanted a lift home but said that if he didn’t he’d pop in if that was ok, I told him that I was out Saturday but would probably be back so let me know.

As soon as we put the phone down he started messaging me and it all got a bit heated (as per) we messaged until around 2am again, he messaged me the next morning saying he hoped I’d slept well and I resisted responding until that evening, I kept it quite light hearted and jokey.

I went out Saturday night, in Leicester, with the person I’d been on holiday with last year, was the first time we’d seen each other after not getting on very well last on holiday, I hoped as it was one night it would be better but to be honest it wasn’t.

Again she was totally self absorbed, totally wants everyone to think she’s much younger than she is (she’s 53) and she turns into a total nightmare when she’s been drinking (she drinks a lot and probably has an issue, like everyday!)

So we sit down in this club, these guys come and sit down and one introduces himself to me, he notices my eye roll and tells me that he’s not chatting me up as he’s married and show’s me the ring, oh I think, maybe it won’t be so bad, they have several more friends come in and we chat a bit, where are you from, what do you do etc. Then they play the how old are you game, he tells me I must be much younger than him (he’s 37) and guesses I’m in my early 30’s, nice but you know boys, so they then guess hers and say early 40’s so she makes everyone guess and makes a big deal of how young she looks, does what she did on holiday, shows them photos of the kids and grandkids (that she hardly see’s) tells them way too much information and starts snogging one of them, now, one of them described her to me as going from 0-Slag in 20 minutes which is an apt description, there was nothing and no one she didn’t grind up against, it was a bit of an embarrassment really, the blokes (particularly the married one) kept touching and I kept moving away so she groped him as well as his mates, we got back to hers and I’d well and truly had enough of her and went to bed.

Got up four hours later with no hangover (probably because I’d not had a great time) I’d not intended to go to the racing but kinda needed cheering up and wasn’t keen on spending any more time with her, she was telling me how she keeps getting blocked on match…….. hmmmm, I wonder why! She’s also still telling everyone that she is shy and lacking in confidence, funny it’s not what I see! She’s still seeing her married boss, who’s married to her friend and continues to give her payrises and bonus’ but she thinks that’s ok, she is massively money oriented, when I found out what the man she snogged does I knew straight off she’d not be interested in him outside of lobbing herself at him that night, he’s a barman so he’s way beneath her and won’t earn enough, bearing in mind she works in accounts, had a big pay off from her ex husband and fucks her boss to make a living it’s a bit of double standards there!)

Anywho……. Sitting there Sunday morning I went through my options for the day, which were to go straight home (and wait to see if he messaged) to stay where I was then go home (and wait to see if he messaged) or to bugger off up the country to go and watch some bike racing with friends (and potentially miss him if wanted to meet) so, I couldn’t really be arsed to spend five hours in the car but knew I’d be disappointed if he didn’t turn up, which I thought was likely, so I used the ‘Fuck it’ analogy, which basically meant that I was going to watch the racing and if he did text it would be good for him to know that I wasn’t waiting around for him, so I told her I was going and asked if I could get a lift to my car (I had offered to drive to save us paying for two taxi’s) she said she’d just have a quick shower and she’d take me, she carried on talking, then had a shower, then washed and dried her hair and then straightened it, then she did her make up, it took forever to get to my car, I was getting a bit grumpy.

No, he didn’t message if you were wondering (not unexpected but still sinks the heart a bit, back to the dull aching of having sore bones!) but I had a great day, the sun was shining, it’s one of my favourite tracks (where he is going this week for a trackday) I got to see Guy Martin race, which is something I have wanted to do for years, he’s really too short, too hairy, too dirty for me but when you lob it all together it seems to make him really attractive! So it was all good really (well it was and it wasn’t, you know what I mean!)

While all this has been going on the Best Friend and his ex have been getting themselves into a bit of a mess, she still loves him and always has and now he’s decided that he might still feel the same which is all a bit messy, I got a bit angry with him on Sunday, partly because I think men are arseholes maybe, partly because I love them both and partly if I’m brutally honest because to see him get his Happily Ever After before Frog Princess does but that doesn’t mean I don’t want him to be happy because I do and I love them both. I worry that over the 10 years they were on and off that it didn’t work and that he wasn’t enough for her, he’s pretty non committal and very like me, she’s now settled with a man she says she loves, I honestly feel for her, he has nothing to lose, she does.

I messaged him this morning, saying that I love him and that I’ll support whatever decision they make together but asked that they thought it through and didn’t rush in before decision making as he has little to lose (a gf he’s not bothered about) and she has a lot, he agreed that I was right and thanked me, before we had quite a long messaging conversation. I guess she was also my hope that you can get over someone and move on with someone else, but that’s obviously not true and the fact that someone who states they are happy and has only been married just over a year can cheat on her husband and allegedly the man she loves, oh it’s all so confusing for my little Frog Princess head, I kinda prefer Drunk Princess, she thinks fuck the consequences much more than Frog Princess does! 

I can't even..........

bear to update you to be honest, it's all made me just too, too sad for words at the moment.

My Week..........

No, of course he didn't rock up on Monday, he said that he'd had to book an earlier ferry, I told him that being friends was difficult when only one of us was participating, he said 'I know' and I wanted to punch him in the face with a chair.

Was a busy week with work, I was away in Manchester for two nights for meetings, so here's a funny story for you.

The Exec team that work for my boss get paid around £2m between them a year, sooooo I dragged £2m worth of staff from all around the country (Essex, Bristol, Scotland, Midlands) to a meeting in Manchester because I had hoped to see Cunt Face while I was there, however he was in France so I couldn't see him anyway, on top of the staff I booked two nights in a nice hotel, in the hope of getting to see him at some point in those three days, on top of that the hotel cost around £2000 for all of the rooms and another couple of thousand in planes, trains and cars, oh and dinner and did I get to see him? No, no I fucking didn't! 

Anyway, while I was in Manchester I caught up with a friend that I used to work with, we used to talk everyday at work and have kept in touch, she lives near Manchester. 

When we met she told me about her man troubles, why are they such idiots? She's seeing someone that can't make time for her regularly but thinks it's ok to go away for the weekend with his friends (and a single divorcee) I honestly don't know what is wrong with these men! 

On the subject of men being idiots, another friend had posted on Facebook this week that she had been speed dating and had a very similar experience to what I had when I tried several years ago, 18 decent looking, well turned out women with 18 men and not a decent one among them, one even told her after one minute that she wasn't 'his thing' and sat in silence for the next three minutes. 

So, in one week myself and two friends have experiences that totally echo mine on dating, now all three of us are women in our late 30's, all I would say fairly attractive, with good career's, not even jobs, real deal career's and yet still we can't find a decent man between us, two of us have no children, one has a great little girl, does it really need to be this hard?

We had a lovely evening in Manchester, largely taken up with discussions about men, she knew about Cunt Face from last time around and it was such a relief to finally tell someone and get it out of my head, we swapped a bit of advice (largely this was 'don't text him', 'you aren't mad', 'yes, I know you shouldn't but sometimes you just can't help it')

When we were talking advice I said that last year I'd have probably advised her differently, last year I would have told her to walk away and forget it but things have changed massively in this last year, I now realise that despite my mostly walking away from every thing and everyone that didn't tick all of my boxes, I'm not fussy, I've even walked away from my mother (it's a very long story and not for today) but I just can't do it, I want to but currently it's just not happening.

I know I give people too many chances, look at the Evil Twin for one, she's had more than anyone deserves really but that is the person I am and I can't change that, although I'm trying to get better and #bemorerudolf.

Mr Bumble had a little ginger flash, he had messaged me last weekend saying that he was in Northants on Monday so did I want to meet up, as I wasn't doing anything I agreed, he said his meeting should finish around 3:30 and then he'd wait around, cool I said. 

Monday lunchtime I got a message saying that his meeting had finished way early so he was going to head home, I was a little annoyed about this, largely because I had things to do after work, that I hadn't brought in with me as I thought I was going to have to rush straight off, so I didn't respond to him until Weds, when he suggested that we 'try again' I said that if we couldn't manage it in the same county then we probably didn't have much of a chance of making the distance work (he's in Surrey) he pretty much said he agreed, so that's that done, however he did get a bit stroppy with me this weekend, so I told him to get a grip, seriously men seem to have totally missed the dating etiquette part of the book!

So, I came back on Friday, I can honestly say that I spent most of the time I was up there being annoyed that I was up there when he wasn't and still I wasn't going to get to see him, men are bloody annoying! As I went up I passed the place we'd had our second date, which caused tears, mainly angry one's I think, I went out for dinner with our senior team on the Weds night and spent it largely angry, thinking what ungrateful brats they were when they were talking about their bonus etc (it's a big one and when you earn what they do it's pretty massive!) I pushed through it and the meeting and eventually getting home at around 7 on Friday night, exhausted. 

On Saturday I was due to go to the Superbikes to see my friends race, was struggling to decide on which day to go and had decided on Saturday so that I could have Sunday to do nothing at home and had told them I wasn't staying so that I could have Sunday without having to wake up. 

I felt rubbish on Saturday morning, it took me ages to get going (my Dr thinks I have CFS and we've been discussing it for years now, I struggle massively with tiredness and could sleep for days) and I eventually got there about 1, I opened my Snapchat to take a video and in the stories was his, a photo of him with a packed car, heading home from France. 

I debated messaging him, thought no, you are nuts, don't do it, no, message him, don't do it, what have you got to lose apart from your dignity, which you have obviously already lost with this one, no, don't do it, ah fuck it, whats the worst that can happen? 

Realistically the worst that could happen was for him to not respond or to respond saying no but as they say; you've got to be in it to win it. So I messaged him:

'Fancy stopping for a drink on your way through?' 

Within 15 minutes I had a message flash up, that heart stopping feeling of knowing that they are about to shatter your dreams, the I don't think I can read that because I know what it's going to be. 

Well, it wasn't, it wasn't what I expected at all, it was a bit weirdly worded but not what I expected, I got

'where would you like to meet you lovely big breasted chum of mine' 

I wasn't really sure how to take it, so I kind of took it that he got 'chum' in so I knew it was as friends, however there was part of me that was hoping that we'd meet and I would feel nothing for him, in the last year we have been through a lot and it's been an emotional roller coaster.

Messages went back and forth over what time to meet, he said he thought about 10:30 as it was around 2.5 hours from the ferry terminal, I obviously needed to leave the racing a bit earlier than planned (I wished I'd made a bit of an effort for racing that day, put a bit of makeup on, done my hair but I was tired and I hadn't! so I wanted enough time to get home, shower and change and get back out, all while appearing like I had come straight from racing ;-) 

I decided to leave at 6 to be home by around 8:30, giving me a little time to sort my act out, I was on edge all day after that, still not certain he'd turn up, in fact I expected him not to and to fob me off later. 

As I was walking out of the circuit I got a message from him saying that he'd not been allowed on his ferry as it had left 40 minutes early so was driving to Dunkirk to get on another one as the next one at Calais wasn't until 11pm, I thought that was his get out, it will be too late but he just said it would be later and about midnight, I don't think I cared terribly about the time, I just wanted to see him. 

We messaged a lot of the journey home, a bit matey, a bit flirty. 

I got home and sorted my act out, I tried on about four outfits and decided on a black cold shoulder dress, which looked like it could have been suitable for spending a day racing (when actually for racing I'd worn a denim skirt, vest top and flip flops, hair scraped back and no makeup) a bit of makeup, although that bit wasn't easy as I'd been burned in the day. 

I'm not feeling very happy with myself at the moment, I'd lost nearly two stone last year and looked pretty good, however it's all been going back on and I'm now over a stone back up and I look at myself and just see a fat, horrible person, I really do eat my feelings and it's not good, so I'm not feeling as confident as I was when I saw him in August, not helpful but it is what it is. 

Even on the journey I didn't know that he would show up, lets be honest, he's not exactly Mr Reliable is he? I pulled into the car park, at the services where we had first met nearly a year ago and I spotted his car, he was there, I couldn't really believe it and the nerves were all over the place, I pulled up with a space in between us and got out of the car, the first thing he did was cuddle me, I mean a proper cuddle, the kind of cuddle I've been needing for so long, he's a really good cuddler, it's a skill missing from a lot of people these days, they tend to do hugging and hugging and cuddling are two very different things. 

We walked into the services chatting away, got a drink and sat down, the conversation was pretty general, something was said about lying and he said he'd made that mistake with me once before and wasn't heading there again! I said I wasn't going to bring it up he said he thought he'd get in first.

A girl was mentioned a couple of times, not a girlfriend he said but a girl friend, that had gone to Le Mans with them, I knew there had been as I'd seen a photo of him, with a girl behind him, blonde which seems to be his thing, definitely less weight on her than me, he talked about her as a friend but you don't know do you? Especially with someone that has lied to you before.

I don't think he totally believed me that he was stored in my phone as Cunt Face, so he sent me a message and it popped up, he believes me now! 

It was nice, I didn't feel quite the pull that I had on previous occasions but there was still something rather big there looming, I just want to touch him, looking at that it makes it sound weird, but that's not how I mean it. I did look at him several times and think that looks wise he isn't my thing but I guess like with W@nk Bag before him that's how it happens, the person that isn't your type to look at is the one that ends up being the only person to ever break your heart, surely it should be the hotties breaking your heart?

We walked out to the cars and he asked if we were friends now, he again apologised for what he had done,  I agreed that we were and he put his arm around me as we walked to the cars, he kept hugging me, we kept saying goodbye and then walking back towards each other, it was a bit ridiculous really if you'd had been there people watching. 

And then he kissed me, or I kissed him maybe? I think he kissed me but one of us kissed the other one and everything I had been trying to block out flowed through every bit of me, I literally wanted him so much. He's a pretty shit hot kisser too. 

Unluckily (or luckily maybe) my period had arrived that morning (10 days early, maybe someone was trying to tell me something?) he obviously doesn't know that is the reason. I dread to think what might have happened (and I'm equally quite gutted that we didn't get the chance) it all got a bit heated, he was quite surprised when I'd remembered the thing that makes him go a little crazy and I slid my hand down his neck, well it still works! 

It all got a bit heated, it does between us I guess, it's all good until he touches me and then it's game over, we eventually left (a load of caravans had arrived at the car park, if they were people watching like I do they would have definitely thought we were having an affair, two cars in a car park and two people that can't keep their hands off each other!)

He took my hand and popped it onto his groin, his body was pretty obviously reacting in the same way that mine was, I mentioned that always seems to happen when we are together and he blamed it on the 'hot blonde standing in front of him!

As soon as I left, before I'd got out of the slip road he'd messaged me with an emoji which according to google is the no emotion emoji! I responded with a ?? to which he said I was a tease, a whirl of messages went back and forth along with a whirl of emotions (my end for sure, who know's about his) it was gone 3am when we stopped talking and he said goodnight, I left it with him sending the last message but I had hoped he'd send a further message on Sunday, yeah he didn't.

When we were talking he said he was at the car show in Peterborough on the weekend and he might pop in on the way back if he wasn't too tired, I can't imagine he will but I can always hope to be surprised can't I? It was the same car show that let him out last year, when he said he didn't know where it was but he did and the girlfriend was going with him, I don't let myself forget what he's done, or the lies that he's told but that doesn't make shutting him out any easier.

I spent Sunday in a happy little bubble (still waiting for messages but a happy bubble at that) thinking back to the night before and those feelings that I just can't let go.

I've been pretty good really, I didn't message him today, just a casual message asking how it was to be back at work, he said shit and sent a meme, not heard from him since, I hate seeing that screen without a message on, it really does drive me a little bit bonkers, but to be fair I'm pretty limited in what I can do apart from wait. 

On Saturday he'd told me that he was going to a Trackday at one of my favourite tracks, I saw which company were doing it and knew that it was likely that one of my old members of staff might be working it, I dropped him a message and asked him if he'd go and give him some instruction on the day, which he says he will, I'm maybe too nice but I really do like doing nice things for people when I can, it's a small thing but if it was me I would be delighted to get some free instruction from a really amazing instructor like my friend is (he is one of my top three, not an easy place to get to!)

I did joke with my friend that the friend I want him to instruct spends a lot of time on my kill list and therefore I may want him to aim the car at the barrier and then jump out sending Cunt Face (he doesn't know that's his name!) through the barrier!

Happy is probably going to stop any time soon, I'm fully aware of that, maybe, just maybe it will be different this time?