A little walk................

down memory lane.......

The long weekend went quickly, I went to a baby shower on Saturday for the girl I really like at work, I wasn’t sure about going really as I can’t say they are ‘my thing’ although I’ve never been to one before.

I’m a bit of a quandary with my personality, I suffer and have for nearly half of my life from depression but I am now at the stage where I manage it really well and haven’t been medicated for years, I can quite often feel when it’s coming and stop it from falling so deep that within a couple of weeks I can’t dig myself out of it. I also suffer from a bit of anxiety, not terribly and I’ve only ever had one really bad attack, where I thought I was going to die but I find it kicks in before events.

I don’t think that most of my friends would know or believe that I suffer with either, most that were there at the time it was really bad probably think that I suffered at the time but now it’s gone, little do they know that it never goes, it just gets better or worse.  I’m life and soul of the party once I’m there but I don’t always get there because very occasionally I let those things stop me, I try very hard not to and once I’ve said I’ll go it’s very rare that I don’t.

So I went along and was pleased to see two girls that I used to work with there, so I at least knew someone, I was right, it wasn’t my thing but it was sweet, I got her a very cool present of a ‘dream sheep’ which I got as I love sheep and it was cute, little did I know that it’s the bee’s knees of baby presents and it the most coveted present of new parents as apparently it settles babies really well.

Sunday I went to my home town to meet up with someone I met on holiday three years ago, we kept in touch on Facebook and are both single, so we’ve talked about a holiday together. We went for a day of being tourists.

Oxford is a beautiful place, it isn’t called the dreaming spires for nothing. I lived there for 23 years and then spent a further 5 living on the outskirts before heading across the county border but in all of the time I spent there I don’t think I ever really appreciated how beautiful it was.

We did lots of touristy things, including the bus tour which I wouldn’t recommend, it spent far more time at bus stops than I would have liked, maybe better for people that don’t know the area at all?

One of the things we did was to visit the college that I used to waitress at when I was at college, it’s a beautiful place, arguably the oldest of the Oxford University colleges.

I had a little reminisce of a little summer romance with one of the students, he was a medical student that used to work with us, he’d always been lovely but one summer after he’d graduated he came back to work with us as we had American students in for the summer.

He was tall, ginger with the most gorgeous Northern Irish accent, he was also generally a nice guy.

We spent most of the summer flirting, however I’m a little dumb with things like that, quite often I don’t notice until it’s pointed out and it was by my best friend/surrogate mum.

They’d walk in during the break in the evening and he’d be sat behind me massaging my shoulders or walk past and touch me as he did, I have no idea why it took me so long to catch on but it did, I was probably put off knowing that it wouldn’t be long before he’d be flying back off to Belfast to start his career.

However as the summer moved on, just before he flew home we were going on a night out straight from work, he and some of the other students were coming with us, our connection was pretty obvious to most people by this point, even me.

So we went out, we showed them the proper Oxford (all the places that the students didn’t know about!) and then he kissed me, it was like 20 years ago so I can’t say I remember much about it.

He took me to see the Shelley memorial after we’d been to the club, he had the keys so we could go into the enclosure which was pretty exciting, although I wouldn’t have appreciated it at the time (I was also drunk so even less likely) I stayed the night in his room (in the masters lodgings!) we didn’t have sex, even then I didn’t just sleep with anyone and although I liked him I’m sure I’d have been concerned about him going home a couple of days later, I did spend the night in his bed though.

The next thing I knew was hearing the key turning in his door the next morning, he was late for work and one of the girls was obviously coming to get him, his body went flying across his room to stop the door opening, we then heard that it was not only the girl that liked him but also that her Mum was our boss, a bit awkward, he however managed to ward her off and told her that he’d been in soon.

He came back to bed, we said our goodbyes and I snuck out, leaving him to go to work, nothing like the walk of shame through Oxford and on the bus in the morning in last nights clothes (It wasn’t the first time, nor the last though)

That evening I went into work as normal, in the break when we all sat and ate someone said ‘he was late in this morning, ……….. thought he has someone in his room when they went up’ neither of us said anything or made eye contact, although I’m sure we were both blushing, my friend was doing her best not to laugh. I think we thought we’d got away with it, until someone said ‘I’m sure I saw you early this morning, you weren’t on breakfast were you?’ No, I said, it won’t have been me…….. likelihood is they knew all along, I imagine they’d spent the summer predicting it, however I’m sure they would have all thought more happened than it did.

He left the next day, I think we were both a little sad, I saw him a couple of times after that, when he was back for a day or two but that’s all really, this weekend was the first time I’ve thought about him in ages, I had a smile on my face for the whole of the college tour, particularly when we were looking at the Shelley Memorial and the Masters Lodgings, my friend saw the photos and messaged me, mentioning him and that summer, so I had a little look on Linkedin and there he was, he is still a paediatric surgeon, still based in Ireland, I added him and he’s accepted, it’s nice to have a little venture down memory lane, however you must remember not to do an Alice and go back down the rabbit hole.

So, Cake Destroyer is back on base, which means messages are limited again, he took his main exam yesterday and passed so he was pleased about that, still no idea when we will see each other again however he seems to still be keen on meeting, he asked what I was doing yesterday and I explained how I needed to get rid of a load of clothes, he responded saying he hoped I was keeping the dress I wore on our last date (I am) he seems really lovely but it is hard when you don’t see much of each other, which is an incredible thing for me to see coming out of my own mouth!

I’m still not sure whether it’s ok for me to be swiping, or going on dates with other people but I don’t really feel that I want to at the moment (I am a bit of an old fashioned girl I’m afraid and believe that if you like someone after 2/3 dates you should only be dating them until you’ve worked your feelings out) however if he is I don’t really want to stop.

The New Mechanic has been getting in touch still, he kept asking what I was doing yesterday and I was a little nervous that he was going to ask me out, I don’t think I’d have known what to do then, he didn’t though so all was ok, he did tell me he needs a winter girlfriend to take up his time when there is no racing, unsure as to whether or not that was a hint, there are only three rounds left this year and I’ll only be at one of them for one day (maybe not at all)

I’m up in Manchester for work next week, yep, right by Cunt Face himself, I’ve said I’m there but I don’t think he’ll make himself available, if he did what would I do? That would confuse things even more but it won’t happen so it’s all ok right?

I’ve turned most of the app’s find me things off and deleted OKCupid because I don’t really like it to be honest, I’m a bit half hearted at the moment with it (because of CD) and I’m just not a half hearted kinda girl, I’m an all or nothing kinda girl, all in or all out, I don’t want to be flakey or not quite there because it’s pointless and I just hate pointless.

Anywho, time to get back into a meeting……..

Cake Destroyer Date Two....................

Sooooo, Wednesday night was the second date that I didn’t think was going to happen with Cake Destroyer, he sent a message on Tuesday inviting me to his for dinner (maybe half joking) so I responded saying it was too late for me to get there in time for dinner, he said he’d extend the offer to the next day.

I had quite a long think about it, I wanted to see him again to see if there was anything there between us but I wasn’t keen to go to his house on a second date, I wasn’t sure there if there was a lot of chemistry although we’d got on really well and I thought it might be uncomfortable, certainly if we didn’t have a lot of chemistry and secondly in someone else’s home that soon.

I suggested that we meet in the middle, he said yes, found a restaurant and we arranged to meet.

Messages winged back and forth and then he sent me a message saying ‘Just so you know I’ve grown a gay little moustache and beard, just for these two weeks off, so I apologise in advance’

I responded with ‘erm, I think I might be busy tonight now!’

‘I think maybe I should have a shave..’ was the next message to which I responded with a laughing smiley.

I HATE facial hair, it gives me a rash for one and I don’t think it looks nice either, so that gave me a bit of dread about the date, I was already a little nervous I have to say, I wondered if we’d have much of a connection after a month and I think I think it’s quite a long time between first and second dates, we’ve talked loads though in between, every day apart from the week he was on exercise.

The restaurant looked nice, a gastro pub, I was concerned about what to wear, I still feel pretty fat and horrible, I emptied my wardrobe and tried loads on, couldn’t find a top I wanted to wear with my jeans, in the end I wore the cold shoulder dress that I’d worn the last time I saw Cunt Face, it’s pretty much a smart/casual summer dress, not too dressed up but had the weather not had been on my side it wouldn’t have worked, straightened hair, makeup (more than the last time I’d seen him as that was a Sunday afternoon) sandals with a heel (had to do the heel test at some point so why not today?)

I arrived and he’d literally pulled in just before me, I put the top up on the car and he said that I was showing off, I got out and he gave me a hug and said that he was a bit underdressed (he wasn’t, maybe I was a little over dressed but I wasn’t dressed up) he had jeans, shoes and a light jumper, he looks better with more hair, however that will be gone today or tomorrow, I did think that he looked nicer today than on our first date.

He had shaved, my first words to him were asking what had happened to the facial fungus, he said he’d thought it was a bad idea so had shaved and that it also looked crap but they were all doing it.

We went in and sat down and the conversation was really easy between us, a fair bit of ribbing and we are both fairly warped in sense of humour, which always makes the conversation interesting, we had starters and main course and I turned down pudding, I couldn’t have eaten anymore.

I was right about the weird little facial movements, they must have been nerves as they were certainly a lot less frequent this time and he was better on eye contact, although he could have done with a little more still but hey no one is perfect and dating is hard.

We continued to chat and I did wonder there was something developing between us, we got the bill and he insisted on paying, which I thought was nice, it’s not something I’d accept with someone I didn’t expect to see again either, he’d also held the door open when we arrived and left and I think that there is a lot in gentlemanly behaviour.

We walked to the car and stood chatting, we have a bit of a joke about him and young boys (he took one of the 17 year old recruits to the cinema on his birthday and said it looked very wrong and it’s gone on from there) he asked if he could prove to me that he wasn’t into boys!

I said ‘I don’t know, can you?’ so he kissed me and it was nice, really nice. There was definitely something there by this point for me, he’s a decent kisser too which always helps, he asked when he could see me again and I asked when he wanted to, he said literally the next time that they let him have leave.

He thinks they may put him on leave the weekend after this one but doesn’t know for sure, rarely I have nothing on that weekend, so if they do it could just work.

He asked me to message him when I got home, I always think that’s a good sign (however Cunt Face did that too)

He eventually said ‘I’ll put you down now’ I wasn’t overly bothered about being put down by that point to be honest, as we left he thanked me for coming to meet him again and was generally really sweet.

I messaged when I got home, saying thank you for dinner and a really lovely evening, he thanked me for joining him and said I looked fantastic, he was very complimentary about the date and how well we’d got on again, I told him I’d had reservations and he said that he has wondered too, he apologised for not being around as much as he should have but said that he thinks the conversation flows really well between us and that I am massively in credit with him. We agreed that speaking by text has helped keep us in touch and feel like we know each other.

I told him he had to send me the face fungus photo’s so he set his alarm this morning so that they were there when I woke up, I told him that he should definitely put them on Tinder as they would certainly get him left swipes and weirdo’s and thanked him for shaving, he responded saying that he was ‘alright ta, thinking I’m alright with you abusing me’

So we’ve kind of covered Tinder a bit, when do you have that talk of dating sites? We’ve spoken quite a lot today, he said that he wishes I’d binned the day off at work today and I do too, and that I could have then had the message he keeps promising me.

I was a bit eeeeeekkkkkkkk on the way home and yesterday which worries me a bit, last time I felt like this it was ruined within 48 hours with the girlfriend/lodger revelation.

I know we shouldn’t tar everyone with the same brush but I don’t want to get hurt again and I don’t want to get involved with something that isn’t going anywhere, he’s saying all of the right things but do I believe him? I need to give him some trust and I can’t punish him for something that someone else has done but I still hurt from Cunt Face, over a year on.

Last night is the first date I’ve been on since him where I’ve not been upset on the way home because there wasn’t any chemistry or thought that it was a waste of makeup because the date was rubbish, so that’s good.

I don’t know when we’ll see each other now until they tell him about leave but I would like to see him again and he says he’d like to see me, so we’ll see what happens I guess?

Spoken to Mr Bumble this week, he’s now dating the married woman (who split up with her husband less than 8 weeks ago!) but seems happy, which is good.

Not heard from the new mechanic for a couple of days, which with things how they are at the moment isn’t a bad thing.

I don’t really want to meet anyone at the moment, I’m happy getting to know CD at the moment but I don’t want to take myself totally ‘off the market’ particularly if he isn’t but I don’t want to have a proper conversation about it when we’ve only had two dates, in an ideal world he’d bring it up!

This weekend I’m off to a baby shower (not looking forward to that to be honest) and meeting up with someone I met on holiday three years ago, in the hope that we can at some point go on holiday together, so hopefully a nice weekend, not too busy but with things to do.

A weekend of racing.........

So, Cake Destroyer has been in touch but not with the regularity that we have been, he's been in touch every day but one day was only once and he committed the cardinal sin of not responding until the next day, he did apologise, saying he was at a beer festival and didn't want to drunk text me, however it was 24 hours after my message so I took over 24 hours to respond, apologising that I was at racing and the signal was bad, which wasn't a lie but I could have messaged, had I felt inclined, oh who am I kidding I was inclined, I just didn't want to message back quickly so stopped myself. 

He responded really fast, saying that was ok etc and he was heading up to Norfolk to see more family and then text in response to my reply last night,  I don't really know where we are, I went out on Thurs with the Best Friends Ex and when talking about it I said that I wasn't sure that you could date this early on and not see each other for weeks at a time, we’ll be on a month this weekend coming from date one and you can’t get by on talk alone.

We’ve mentioned meeting on Saturday on his way home, however he might be taking others back to camp, so if that happens we won’t be, I’m going to leave the meeting up thing now, I’ve asked about it once and made my point of you actually need to see each other for things to develop so we’ll see, the lesser contact probably isn’t a bad thing, it’s weaning yourself off a bit at a time I guess?

Cunt Face messaged Thursday ‘Hey sexy lady, you ok? x’ I’d love to tell you I’d not responded but I can’t, however my messages were pretty light, no great long ones, no x’s on them, it didn’t last long and then he disappeared like the ghost he is.

The one I went on a couple of dates with earlier in the year keeps reappearing and asking me out, I don’t think I even gave him a name, he was pretty unreliable so I gave him the heave ho, he keeps asking for another chance and asked me to go for a drink on Sunday, I said ok, if he came my way and chose somewhere, he text Saturday saying he’d ‘look now’ I didn’t respond and no further message came, however I had my arm twisted to stay over at racing and made no effort to get home early for a non-existent last chance date with a flaker, so I didn’t race back and he didn’t get in touch, no shock there then? From now on I’m just going to ignore his messages completely, instead of indulging his ego with responses.

The vet has been in touch too, it’s a funny story really, we matched on Bumble in December, I can’t say I wasn’t pretty excited to match with a vet, either a farmers wife or a vets wife would suit me down to the ground, however he was very honest, he said straight away that a relationship wasn’t what he was looking for, however if I was after fun he thought we’d have a great time together, I politely declined, however at the time I had a very pregnant cat that was giving me issues so we chatted a bit about that and he asked over a couple of days how she was doing (we’d had a C-Section and I was pretty much hand rearing two hourly) so I was shattered, I nearly lost them all but four of the 6 survived (1 had been born sleeping, one got to two weeks old and then died just as I thought we’d turned a corner and broke my heart) and eventually went on to be superstar’s in their new homes, he was quite sweet, asking about how they were doing and we’d chat intermittently, then we matched on Tinder, started chatting again, still he and I were looking for different things but swapped numbers, I put his number in my phone and within a few weeks he came up in my Facebook suggestions, which is kind of annoying and kind of good, however I noticed his surname which is fairly unusual.

Not only is it unusual, it’s also the surname of someone that works for the same company as me and although he wasn’t living there at the time the area of his ‘home’ area is similar, for her age my immediate guess would be either a Mum or Aunty.

Anyway the person I work with is a manager that works for one of the MD’s that my boss is CEO for, so I don’t work directly with them but still see them in the office and she used to be here quite a lot, I also knew that she had three adult children, he is 28 (yes, I do know I’m 39 and no, I’m definitely not old enough to be his mother)

So, I mentioned that I worked with someone of the same name, he skimmed over it and never really gave me an answer.

A week or so later she was in, we chatted as normal and she told me that she was going to be a grandmother and that her daughter who is a vet has got engaged, what do the other children do I asked, she told me and ……….. is a vet, boom, it was his mum! I mentioned it, he said he didn’t want me to be embarrassed and that she doesn’t approve of dating apps, he also asked that I didn’t tell her (like I would!)

Anyway, he’s quite sweet but as we are looking for different things it’s not worth us meeting us, however he pops up every few weeks/months to see how I am, ask after the cats and see if my minds changed……… it hasn’t and even if his had the whole Mum thing would make it even more difficult!

So, that’s all of my ‘old’ people updates, so a few weeks ago at racing we had a new mechanic join us, he’s not new to the team as they’ve worked together for years, although we have had different mechanic/s for the 5/6 years that I’ve been going, however he’s new to me as we’d not met before the last round, although I’ve heard him mentioned.

He’s a little taller than me, probably 5’10ish I’d say, he’s alright looking but nothing special, he’s a smoker, which is a massive no, no for me and on my deal breaker list but he’s pleasant and funny, we got on ok but I was only there for one day last time and we also had a visit from another old mechanic, who has FB flirted with me on and off for a while and who has been quite ill with cancer (and has just got the all clear which is fab news) he looked really well and I was struggling to take my eyes off of his biceps which looked pretty bloody awesome, anywho…. He slated the new mechanic a little to me, which I didn’t feel was strictly necessary as I’d heard good stuff from the rest of the guys, I even said ‘you don’t like him then’ to which he backtracked and said that it wasn’t that he didn’t like him it was just that he thought he could be a bit of an idiot but to be fair I think all men are.

We didn’t get much time to chat but he seemed nice enough, I went up on Saturday to the racing and as soon as I got there I was told that when they asked who was coming to get me they said I was coming with cake and boobs and there was a whole host of offers to come and collect me! Cheeky sods! Anyway we had a good couple of days and all had dinner together, the chat was wrong on so many levels, I hear a lot of things but even I was a little shocked at some of it! HAHA! However on chatting about it on Sunday he was told that I was the worst of all of us, a little unfair I thought.

A couple of times in the day when he’d thanked me etc he’d added ‘beautiful’ to the end which I hadn’t really noticed until later in the day when one of the boys had ribbed him for it.

One of the other guys always flirts with me (actually most of the team do but I am a flirty sort of person so I don’t help it) he mentioned in front of the new mechanic that I’d not taken up his offer of a spooning partner for the night before, I said that I’d not had the invite, it was mentioned that all I’d had to do was say and that I could have had the choice of at least three places to sleep that night, we continued joking about, as the older mechanic rode off, he was gesturing for me to go with him (it’s all in jest, he is happily married, although he’d never admit that and I think if I said yes he’d run a mile!) and the new mechanic caught sight of it and started laughing.

Anyway, we all had a nice day of joking around and the horrible bit of breaking down (it takes hours and everyone has had enough by that point) he then came and gave me a cuddle and left, I hugged everyone about half an hour later and left too as we’d finished.

When I got home I added some photos to FB and thanked them for the weekend as usual, I also added him and a couple of others that I’ve been getting to know as friends, there is a young lad who is about 19, his 17 year old brother, his Mum and Dad that have been joining up with us and are really lovely, so I added the 19 year old and his Mum too, we’ve known each other for most of the year now, they all accepted and we all liked posts, photo’s etc.

Later in the evening I got a pm from the new mechanic, telling me thank you for a funny weekend and saying he’d not realised I lived where I did as he used to spend loads of time up here, turns out he and I used to work for a major car manufacturer that have a college in the area and both did courses there (different obviously but would have been at a similar time) so we chatted a bit and eventually said goodnight, quite some time after I’d planned on going to bed.

It’s the funeral of the friend that died racing today, I am glad I’m not as I’m not good with things like that but I’ve not stopped thinking of them all today, especially his family and those closest to him, I know it happens to us all but in this case it was way too early.

Another weekend gone...........

In a flash, this weekend was the Western style Murder Mystery party in Lincs for a friends hubby's 50th birthday, it was good apart from me having a rather big headache that is now into day three and seems pretty unshiftable currently, I am however at work (and debating whether that's the best idea I've ever had or not.

So, Cake Destroyer has been hassling for photo's of me in my outfit, I ignored it a couple of times but I did say I'd send some after the party, so after many asks I sent some through this morning, I was wearing the outfit that all of the boys were so keen on , the message back said that I looked absolutely fantastic, it was worth his persistence, bloody gorgeous and I was the best dressed person there. I said that it was his turn now and he sent me a photo of him dressed as a rather hot Superman, I have to admit to being impressed!

Nothing from Cunt Face apart from a Snap Chat in response to my outfit but have had some others in touch, such as Mr Bumble, nothing exciting though.

The week is nearly over......

It's been a long week, a very long week...............

Cake Destroyer is doing my head in a bit, still long messages but they are more infrequent now, a couple a day probably, usually one first thing (although there wasn’t one today but he’s not been online since he sent me the last message last night) now, I don’t know if I’m being paranoid because of what’s happened in the past or that I’m not being paranoid and I won’t hear much more from him.

Now there was no chemistry on date one, so I shouldn’t really be too bothered, what bothers me most is when someone is so keen and then it drops off, although the messages have still been really involved and I know that basic training is a killer, so it could be that but he’s not suggested a day to see each other again yet.

So, last night I was trying on my outfit for the party this weekend, it’s a 1880’s Western themed murder mystery and my part is a saloon girl.

So, my outfit is a red corset (it’s simply beautiful and fits amazingly well) a skirt (as yet undecided) a pair of stunning shoe boots, that I just won’t be able to wear for very long as they will kill me but they are going to be worth it, patterned fish nets, it looks great but I can’t decide between the final two skirts, one is shorter, one longer, same sort of style.

Before you think I'm getting dressed up because there will be lots of men there, there won't, certainly no single one's but I do take getting dressed up very seriously!

I get a message from the Best Friend to say that he’s out with the Car Salesman and about the Ex, he wants us all to do dinner, which I’m cool with, I sent him a photo of the shoes (he likes a girl dressed up) he says he likes them so I ask him to help me choose a skirt, he likes the shorter one, no idea why I bothered asking if I’m honest, I should have known.

A little later I get a message on FB from the Car Salesman, saying he’d been out with BF and we need to talk and that he loved my shoes, I asked why we needed to talk and that he’d ducked out of dinner, he said that BF is in bits which is why we need to talk and he would be more help with outfit choices than BF, he said we have joint custody of them.

Anyway, he offered to help me choose a skirt, so I sent him photo’s, one of the short and one of the longer (both in heels, fishnets and corset) he chose the shorter outfit but said that I looked hot and that even 18 years later I still look incredible, apparently I have an amazing smile and boobs!

He went on to say how I suit a corset and that I am a ‘walking fantasy with attitude’ I think he was pretty impressed with the outfit overall!  He sent me his number and said to text him.

I brought up (as I always do) the him shagging my mate thing, it’s not even a skeleton anymore, we literally laugh about it, he again told me it was the worst decision he’d made and what a twat he was. He talked about the date we’d been on five years ago and how good it had been, he said that things around that time were crazy and he’d tell me when we met up, but I said I wanted to know, anyway turns out he’s had a one night stand a month before we’d met and she’d called the next day telling him she was pregnant with twins, it was all messy and it kept getting worse, a cancer care, a new boyfriend, losing one of the twins, death threats which is why he pulled back from me at the time. He told me how much he’d loved that evening although he knew I’d hated his film choice. He said he’d remembered how good a kisser I was and described it and he’d wished we’d sorted our acts out 18 years ago when we first met.

He talked about the day we first met and how he remembers it, that I’m still hot now only have better taste in corsets but that he remembered I always had excellent taste in underwear (he’d obviously caught me on the right days or when I was prepared!) his last message to me (I went to sleep) was that he was ‘Lastly, I’m sorry for being a cunt, a massive cunt’ which to be fair I don’t think he was really.

We were both young, I didn’t know what I wanted, he thought he did, I couldn’t decide, I was 21, in a new job, surrounded by some pretty hot men and I didn’t know what I wanted, however sleeping with my then best mate was obviously taking it too far, although in fairness we were never actually going out, just seeing each other so really he wasn’t in the wrong for sleeping with someone else, just for doing it so close to home.

Sometimes I think familiarity can do funny things to you, he’s safe for me because it’s old and familiar, it’s like the cuddly toy I’ve had since I was a baby, I know I can always go back to it for comfort but then I know I can leave it in a cupboard for 5 years and not think twice about it too.

The four of us have always had such good banter together, so although I can’t imagine curry will happen it would be nice for it to, it’s been years since we’ve seen each other, life is a funny game, he’s asked today why I don’t have a man in tow and if I still have very little time for knobheads, which yes I do still have little time for knobheads!

Mr Bumble keeps popping up, nothing exciting to report, Cunt Face as ever pops up and disappears, I hope his rash itches like fuck! 

The weekend was tragic.........

Had a nice day at racing Saturday with the family I choose, however Sunday was marred by a big accident at the circuit, with a rider high siding and being run over by his team mate (totally unavoidable) it was several hours later that we heard that rider had died and his name was released, only to be someone I know, not someone I know well but he used to be a customer of mine in a previous life, we were Facebook friends for the 5/6 years that have elapsed, we'd chat on messenger at times and I'd had a conversation with him on Saturday evening, I feel numb.

He was a good person, that had been through a lot, an ex Royal Marine, an amputee after an accident, a positive, lovely tough gentleman with a heart of gold and he's gone, out there doing something he loved but that's still no reason to tell someone it's better because he was doing something he loved, it's not, it's really not and the next person that tells me that might get a punch in the face.

It's funny, when it's someone you know it brings it so much closer to home and makes you think about life a little differently, awful as it sounds but it’s a lot easier to be clinical about things when it’s another racer that you don’t know, that isn’t in the same paddock and in the same race with your own rider, still awful but not as awful.

It’s brought a lot of things back too, three years ago I lost a friend who was racing at one of the worlds best and most dangerous road races, it was his second year there, I’d known him for a couple of years prior to that and he had worked for me, he was a great guy, we flirted, he was married so I made sure it stayed at that but if I’m honest I always thought that there was a tomorrow for something to possibly happen between us if it was meant to be, until the day that I had my interview for my current job.

As always I’d messaged him that morning telling him good luck and to stay safe and he’d responded, I’d had the interview that had gone well and went over to my hometown to spend the day with one of my best friends/mum substitute, that afternoon I was just getting ready to leave and had a scroll through Facebook, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, everywhere I looked were RIP messages. All that went through my head was don’t be stupid, why are people doing this, it wasn’t until I saw it coming up on pages of mutual friends that I believed it had happened, I cried all of the way home and continued that for days.

He was two years younger than me (as is the person that died this weekend) he had two young children, while he might not have been perfect he was a good bloke, he’d had his moments over the years (lots of them very high profile moments) but a nice guy that was very personable and was always decent to me.

Often he’d get me tickets to the rounds (he always offered) I’d offer to pay him and he’d tell me that one day I would pay him in kind for them, I don’t know if anything would have ever happened between us but I guess from that day I felt I’d been robbed of the chance a bit, should I have cared about the wife if he didn’t? Would it have made anything better? (We all know it wouldn’t, if anything it would have probably got very messy and been worse)

What it did do for me is make me think a bit more that I needed to hold back less and grab hold of things more, that day changed my life a little bit and I think yesterday will too. To this day he still spends a lot of time in my thoughts.

Racing is a small world, a little family really, the rider and team I go with are the family I choose and I love them like they are my family, the person that died this weekend was riding in the same series, in the same race and it brings it so close to home, two people in three years I know doesn’t sound a lot but it feels it.

Anyway, back to dating disasters which seems almost cheery compared to the rest of this post.

Cunt Face did get in touch, the day after I was near where he lives, I know, typical, I know. He asked how my visit was, I wanted to ignore the twat but you know I couldn’t hold that out for long, we had a general conversation, he told me he was struggling with itching (I wasn’t sniggering, honest, ok, I bloody was) I asked if it was all of the nasty things he’d been touching, he replied that the last thing he’d touch was ‘some southern fairy’ meaning me, not being funny but I doubt that is the case – by the way, this isn’t something nasty (well I don’t think it is!) and it’s not been caught off me as we’ve not been intimately close, just so you know like! I imagine he’s probably changed aftershave or washing powder or something and it disagrees with him, however him, being him he’s gone to the Dr and asked them to conduct all sorts of tests to find out why.

Now I’m a bit allergic myself, so I get it’s annoying but really? Spoke briefly over the weekend but as usual no substance, I Snapchatted him in my outfit for this weekends party last week, his response was ‘Erections, erections everywhere’ so I guess I look ok in it!

Cake Destroyer got in touch on Friday evening, I was pretty impressed really that he’d appeared back on Whatsapp and within an hour I had a message, with an apology for the lack of responses, saying he’d just got back from exercise, asking how I was and how my week was.

I said I’d not expected him to respond as I knew he was away being beasted, we chatted for most of the evening, I do find Whatsapp a bit of a fail sometimes though, because I can see if he’s read my message and not answered I then get annoyed, when we were on Tinder I didn’t know if he’d read them or not, so it didn’t matter.

Now, I could turn off my last seen but I don’t want to do that (CF does that but I can still see when the tosser is online, if I am at the same time) but then I get annoyed that he’s read it and not come back to me.

His messages appear to be in the same vein but he’s not suggested we meet up again as yet and responses aren’t as fast as I’d like but then I respond ridiculously fast (to everyone) and I guess he has just been away for a week though and then had a working weekend but he’s on leave from Friday for two weeks, so I guess we won’t see each other again then and I’m all good with chatting but I don’t want to chat for ages to then find that the chemistry really isn’t there, why does life have to be so complex?!

He did however send me a photo of him in blues and I've got to say that even in a uniform it wasn't his best look, I'm not sure he isn't hotter in his photos that real life but this one didn't make me want to grab hold of him and drag him to my bedroom....

Getting lots of messages again but struggling with being bothered with the boring chat currently, after yesterday I’m in need of a cuddle and maybe Prince Charming to fucking sort his shit out and appear in front of me! 

Another Week...............

Is halfway through.

No news from Cunt Face since Saturday (No surprises really) No news from the Cake Destroyer since late Sunday eve, however he is on exercise so I didn't expect to as I'm pretty sure that they aren't allowed phones (he's not been on Whatsapp since 5am Monday morning which seems to fit with me thinking they aren't allowed phones) so we'll see if I hear from him over the weekend when he's back, he was terribly complementary on Sunday after the date, so I've got no real reason to think he won't, however you know how this internet dating thing is these days, you are the best thing in the world one day and ghosted the next!

The sites are pretty busy with messages but I can't really be arsed at the moment, I'm totally bored of small talk and boring questions, maybe time to take a break? However when I take a break I kinda feel like I'm waiting for CF to get in touch and maybe I am a bit, I like having someone that messages me each day, the Cancerian in me needs to feel needed and it saves me making it all up in my vivid little imagination!

I've found it a bit odd not hearing from CD each day, as I have since we first matched, not messages all day like CF and I used to do but one first thing and then a couple more once he finishes work, however our messages are rarely short, they are always long and with substance which makes such a nice change (I did also check the Tinder distance and it's not moved so he's not looked on that since he left either) dating these days makes you a bit paranoid I think.

Mr Bumble has been in touch, he popped up saying that the serial dater needed some help, basically he's been chatting to a woman who's 'currently married' I said I'd need further details but turns out she's only been split with her husband a month ago, on that I said I wouldn't touch it, it's too soon and I think that anyone that can't have a bit of space in their lives after relationship (even more so a marriage) has issues but that I'm not like most and I regard marriage very highly and something that you should take seriously.

Anyway he's going for dinner with her tonight, she's suggested a posh seafood restaurant which he says he finds a bit odd, he also messaged last night to say he had a 'Whatsapp Date' I'm not entirely sure what that is but he says he'll fill me in and she'd asked what his favourite colour was (we joke that this is the most awful dating question ever, unless you are five years old) however I don't know if this is the same woman or a different one! He says the married woman is hot so he's going to see what happens, she also has a toddler and a lot of baggage so we'll see how that one goes.

He asked a question yesterday and it's kind of played on my mind a little bit, he asked if CD was a bit young for me (he's 29, 30 next months and I'm now 39) so it's 9 years between us. Mr Bumble is 31 so I asked if he felt I was too old for him, he said not at all, so I'm not sure why there is such a difference between someone who is 29 and someone who is 31? Is he too young for me?

Works been slow this week, which has given me rather a lot of time in my own head, which realistically is never good when you are me, I fell asleep on the sofa last night, I'm constantly tired, I do wonder if it's down to life just being so stressful in general, with work happenings the week before last and the rollercoaster that is my lack of a love life?