Cake Destroyer – Date Three

The date that I didn’t think was going to happen did and much faster than I expected.

On Monday I had a stream of messages, rather than the one that I’ve been used to getting (and getting annoyed with) he came back to me saying that his week is looking busy but if it wasn’t too later notice he could possibly do Tuesday, I had no plans anyway and agreed as I really felt that if it was going to happen it needed to happen sooner rather than later.

We have kind of made plans for the weekend after this one, however obviously, it will depend on leave so I didn’t want date three to be a maybe in another two weeks’ time.

He asked what I wanted to do and I suggested the cinema and a drink, he suggested IT which has just come out. I can’t (and didn’t) pretend that I wasn’t apprehensive, I don’t like scary movies when I have to sleep alone, I’m always paranoid that I’m going to need to check under the bed etc at every sign of a noise! I told him that if it was scary he might end up with me on his lap and he said that was probably the best outcome and that he would protect me.

I felt terribly nervous yesterday, I think I’ve built him up in my mind which is never good really is it? I was talking to my friend at work yesterday about it and said that he seems almost too perfect which I find terribly scary, look what happened last time the only fault I could find was how far away he lived.

So we met about half way, he was a little late, not massively though (I think this might be his thing, however it was around rush hour) kiss and hug and we walked across to the cinema, I again warned him that if I was screaming it was his fault, he said that he was happy to see something else if I wanted, I said that I was only joking, when we arrived at the cinema he’d already brought the tickets.

The film wasn’t as scary as I expected, I love programs such as criminal minds but I had expected this to be much more gratuitously scary, it wasn’t and I jumped a little once, spending much more of the film laughing than being scared, the scene’s I found most disturbing were the ones with Beverly and her pervert father and I buried my head in his shoulder when one of the boys held the cat up as target practice but thankfully they didn’t shoot at it.  I guess my idea of disturbing is different to a lot of people’s, I found the kids film; Big Hero 6 quite disturbing as it contains a lot of death for a kid’s film, including a little boy’s family being burned to death and that’s made for children!

It did give us a good excuse to get cuddled up in the cinema though, which was nice, however that’s maybe where the problems started? I had my hand on his leg, my arm was rested on his pocket, I assumed his wallet initially but part way through the film it vibrated, at which point I realised it was his phone, a few minutes later it vibrated again. Now call me cynical but all that went through my mind was wondering if they were Tinder notifications, or other dates.

We all know what the world is like these days, not even socks are monogamous (well not in my house anyway) dating is tough, often people are having Tinder dates night after night, he could be on another one tonight, so could I (I’m not, I’ve been putting people off) it just makes you think, especially if you kind of like someone.

The film finished and he’d found a bar a short walk away, it was pretty wet out which wasn’t fun but the bar was lovely, he tried to pay again but I was quite firm in my ‘No, I’m paying’ this time, I do love a gentleman but there is no need for him to pay for everything, even more so that I know how little he will be earning currently.

We found a table and sat down opposite each other, he mentioned that the table was massive and we were really far apart so I moved round to sit next to him, they had live music and he has a sore throat so hearing each other would have been a struggle from across the table.

As soon as I’d moved his hand moved to my knee again, he’d kissed me as the film finished, when we’d gone to collect my coat from the car and several times during the time that we were in the bar and it was nice. I think that we both spent most of the evening smiling or laughing, he is great company.

We’d talked in the evening about him coming over for this alcohol cupboard emptying, as well as more general stuff and work, he’s got more holiday coming up so we talked about how much I dislike that fact and he had the audacity to say that I had an easier job as mine is much more flexible, I mentioned that he’d get a quiet life when I didn’t message him anymore and he said he definitely didn’t want that and tried to take the comment back.

We walked back to our cars and he kissed me and asked me to let him know when I got home, he waited for me to drive off and followed me out.

I guess that’s where the problems continue. I had about 40 minutes in the car where I could think, me and thinking isn’t good.

So, when I’d first seen him my first thought was that he didn’t look as nice as date two, obviously, he’s got the squaddie hair cut back so looks a bit thuggish and he had a bit of stubble this time (not full on facial hair though) he also has some facial expressions which remind me hugely of a friend of mine, he doesn’t look like him but in some ways he does, if that makes sense?

There is definitely something I like about him, our sense of humour is totally in tune, if a little warped and we genuinely seem to get on and make each other laugh. The facial twitches were back and I’m not a fan, they’ve been apparent on two out of the three dates now, I found him much more attractive on date two than one or three, I love that he’s so gentlemanly, he opens doors, always wants to pay, checks that I’ve got home, won’t sit down until I have and there is something about him that makes me feel safe.

I got home and text him as requested, saying that I was home and thanking him for another lovely evening, he messaged back saying that he was home and in bed, was glad I was home safe, thanked me for a lovely evening and said well done again on not being a scaredy cat. I responded simply saying that I was quite pleased and that was our last message.

I’m not sure I think another one will come but I don’t really know why, there was nothing yesterday to say that it wasn’t a good date, apart from the fact that on dates one and two we’ve had a conversation by message following the date but we did get back a lot later than we have on the last two.

Today I feel totally conflicted, I’m unsure of where I am, unsure of what I want, unsure of where he is with things. I don’t know if I’m doing the thing that I’m really good at and pushing back because we’re getting closer and I fear getting hurt so badly, so if I push someone away before we get too involved it saves me a little or that I’d built him up in my head to be something he’s not?

I had a massive smile on my face all day yesterday as I was excited to see him, today my head is in over drive, part of me thinks I’m being silly, the other part can’t help but think back to last year’s fiasco where I dared to involve my heart, look where that ended.

I highly recommend a listen to the new Sam Smith song; Too good at goodbyes, it really does nail some things!

Manchester, Racing and a pickled brain…….

Tuesday’s update already seems like a lifetime away, although there isn’t a great deal to report really.

I spent the three days in Manchester as planned and went out on Tuesday with my friend that I used to work with, she was the one having man trouble last time and it seems to have sorted itself out, which is good news, we had dinner and a drink in a new cocktail bar which was nice.

I think I may have got asked out by one of the guys that works there, that was a bit odd, I brushed it off, he’s not my thing but I think we could probably be friends.

Cake Destroyer graduated last week, he sent me a photo of him in uniform and I have to say that he looked really good, although so did his mate who was also in the photo and a few inches taller, only he was smiling in the photo though and he does have a lovely smile.

I have a funny feeling that date three isn’t going to happen, Cake Destroyer’s messages have stuck at one a day, it’s been over a week now since I’ve had more than one, they are all really long still but I can’t say that I’m not finding it hugely frustrating and off putting but then I get a message and for a few minutes all of my reservations disappear.

Thursday’s date didn’t happen, he’s now not starting Phase 2 today, he’s being held until October, which means he didn’t get sent home on Thursday (so we could meet) but it means that he’s now been given a week’s leave, so he’s not around again, which seems to be becoming a bit of a habit. He says this is good as he’ll be around for a bit longer, I’m not so sure.

So, he suggested that we do something this weekend coming (we’ve talked of him coming over and us having a whirl at emptying my alcohol cupboard which is hugely overstocked for someone that doesn’t drink at home unless she has guests and she doesn’t generally) however I’m busy, so that won’t work, I’ve now suggested that we meet up this week when he’s off, he’s suggested Wednesday, guess what? I’m busy Wednesday……… I’m starting to become really frustrated with it, does he actually want to see me? And if he does why isn’t he making it happen?

His messages don’t tell me he’s not interested, they are in the same vein, only now there are less of them, if he’s not interested any more would he not just tell me? Well no, because that’s not how dating works today, today people just string you along and keep you as a back up plan, in case whatever else they are up to doesn’t work out because that is dating in 2017.

We’ll see I guess? I’m trying not to answer this morning’s 09:30 message, as I know it means that I probably won’t get a response until tomorrow, which will annoy me a bit more but I struggle with it being sat there on my phone, I want to answer it, I’ve now started typing, which means that I won’t be able to not send it, ah man I need to have a word with myself.

So, I spent a fair bit of time this weekend with New Mechanic (and the rest of the crew obviously) not sure he’s really my thing looks wise (although he is tall and dark) but I won’t have seen him at his best as when I see him he’s working and in team gear, however the smoking is pretty much a deal breaker for me. Saturday was a bit odd, I was outside as they were setting off for the race, he came and gave me a hug as I’d picked up something for him on the way after he’d messaged me that morning, as he went off to the grid he then came and kissed me on the cheek, thankfully not many of our lot were around to see it as I’m not quite sure what they would have thought of it!

He came and gave me a hug goodbye as we were all leaving yesterday and said ‘I’ll message you’ and he has today, just general stuff that we were chatting about at the weekend. There is more racing this weekend but it’s back in Cheshire, I could only go Sunday due to being out Saturday night and already I feel like I can’t be arsed, however being busy keeps my mind off my phone.

Dating sites are off the hook and my Whatsapp looks like the ghosts of dating past, this is down to (apparently) the fact that it’s ‘Cuffing Season’ which is the time between summer and winter when everyone wants to find a mate for the winter, it certainly seems to be the case.

Prince Harry is obviously back from Block Leave as he sent me some messages last week asking if I’d like to meet up, I told him that in the four dates we’ve had it’s not worked out, so I don’t see that changing, he’s told me he’s now closer (less than 20 miles) and he’s stationed here for the next two years, I’m totally not sold on seeing him again, he’s hotter in his photos than in real life and his personality leaves a lot to be desired, I’m not sure he’s ever made me laugh on any of the four dates that we had so I think I can probably leave that one without worrying that I have made the wrong decision.

Car Salesman got in touch last week, saying his wife had told him to sort his shit out or they'd be getting a divorce, he say's he's trying. We chatted a bit, told him about CD, he say's I should give him a chance and it's really nice to hear me talk about him like that, I did say he's doing my head in. He said that he thinks he's a very lucky man if I like him, he said he feels like the 'defender of the buff 29 year old RAF man' which made me laugh as it's not how I'd describe him at all (he's not seen photos, this is just what he's made up in his head) he also said 'You are fucking amazing, I hope he can see that' which is really kind but the fact that it's coming from him sours it a little, he couldn't see it back then, he couldn't see it before he went off and fucked my mate, if he couldn't see it 18 years ago, when I was younger, prettier, thinner then why should CD be able to see it now, after two dates and a load of messages?

Cunt Face hasn't been in touch but does keep posting stories on SnapChat, never with someone else in them, but two slices of cake, two pizza's, who's that twat trying to kid?! I want to scream 'I know, I fucking know, stop lying' but I know it's not worth it, like with W@nk Bag sometimes you need to realise that you'll never get the answer you deserve, you'll never get the truth, just another twisted version of the lies you've already heard, learning to give it up is the hardest part. I spent ages trying to get W@nk Bag to be honest but eventually I faced the reality that it was never going to come and then started to move on, it was a long and painful process, thankfully with CF it won't take as long, five years of my life and two dates are massively different time periods, just a shame that he spent the best part of 18 months fucking with my feelings and even then couldn't do honesty. 

I’m definitely not short of offers but it’s very much like my wardrobe, plenty of choice but still nothing to wear, pretty fed up of it to be honest, I don’t see why I can’t find someone half decent, I keep getting told I’m too picky but is it really picky to have things that I want in another person?

So, I’ve not put any makeup on this morning (couldn’t be arsed, don’t usually for work) and now our fit (although more floppy haired posh boy than big shouldered classically my thing) lawyer has turned up and I wish I’d made an effort this morning. I’m weird in that I’m brilliant at flirting with people I’m not interested in but absolutely rubbish with people I am.

We’ve known each other for a few years now, I don’t see a lot of him as he works at another office, a couple of hours from here but he definitely brightens my day when he’s here, however we can’t manage to string a conversation together as when we try to talk we are both a bit dumbstruck, my friend that works in the office says it’s very funny to watch.

I ensure he's always within easy viewing when we have our conference, I decided this year I couldn't really put him on my table for the third year in a row, so he went on the table opposite me, I let the MD's do their seating plans for those I'd chosen for the table, when I found he wasn't in an easy view I may have swapped him with someone else.........

I have no idea where this week is going to take me, my concentration is right off the boil today that’s for sure, oh and yes I only made it two hours before sending my response, so I imagine now that Weds or Sat are the only nights he can do and that I won’t get a response until tomorrow, just to irritate me a bit more, maybe I should just bin it? It’s just not very often I decide I do actually like someone. I half decided on lunch today that if he comes back telling me he can’t do anything else this week I’m going to send him a message just saying if he has a free evening in the next couple of weeks to get in touch and to have a nice week off, is that being harsh or giving him a get out or simply saving myself?

Monday sucks, men suck, work sucks. 

Dating Suicide......

Well that’s what I thought it was anyway, do you think that stopped me? No, of course it didn’t, I’m definitely a dicing with danger kinda girl (maybe that’s why I’m still single?)

I was feeling a bit fragile anyway following the whole Cunt Face debacle which never helps with me, so in one message on Saturday I mentioned Tinder, asked when we were going to see each other again and asked if he was ok as he’d been quiet.

It was in the conversation and I wasn’t at all shirty with him (he’s done nothing to deserve that) it was a terribly long message but largely answering his last message, I even managed to swing the Tinder comment in as an answer to one of his comments.

I read it over and over again, it was long, even for us, I sent it unsure of whether I wanted to see the answer or not, I half expected a ‘fuck off’ I think, I guess I’m used to dealing with Cunt Face and him not responding for days isn’t unusual and then a ‘I’m just not sure’ or ‘I really like you but I don’t want to hurt you’ bollocks message.

Something had been said about not having offers flooding in, I used that to respond about tinder, I asked what sort of offers he was expecting and asked if he was hoping Tinder notifications would be off the hook.

 I asked when he thought we would get to do date 3 and added unless he’d changed his mind, kinda giving him an out, kinda making my position clear (maybe?) The message had opened with ‘all ok, you’ve been quieter this week’

The message took ages to come back (I know he’s busy and I appreciate that but it doesn’t stop me wondering)

Later that day I saw ‘typing’ appear on the screen, my heart was firmly in my mouth at that, part of me wanted to see what he was typing, part of me didn’t want to see it at all.

When it came in it did take me a little while to open it, he started by saying he was fine, just busy in the lead up to graduation and there have been some issues with some people on his course getting into trouble (not him)

He said that he was only waiting for offers coming from my directions and that he doesn’t really fancy Tinder going wild, so far so good (however he didn’t say that he wasn’t using it)

On the date three, he said that funnily enough he was actually going to ask for Thursday as although they’ve not heard anything official yet their Cpl thinks that they’ll let them go for some post graduation down time before his first posting on Monday and said that hopefully we could do something then.

I was rather pleased with the response, he seemed totally cool about it, answered like it was no big deal at all, it’s kinda one of the things I like about him, he seems really open but Cunt Face sits in the back of my mind nagging at me to think that everyone is a wanker, I hate it.

He has been quieter but we’ve had at least a (very long) message a day, he graduates today which is pretty exciting, he’s excited and I feel excited for him, his Mum, two brothers and one of his two sisters are down for it so I’m sure it will be lovely for them all and hopefully they’ll get some nice photo’s of him in uniform (for me!) it is, however absolutely pissing down, so that won’t be so nice, which is a shame.

We’ve talked even more in depth since then and the messages have got even longer, not sure that I thought that was possible, we’ve talked about all sorts of stuff, including what we like about each other and he’s been very complimentary.

Fingers crossed he’ll be released on Thursday and we’ll manage this date three, it’s only two weeks since we’ve seen each other but feels like ages.

New Mechanic has been in touch a bit this week, I’m working at our Manchester office and he messaged yesterday to ask how it was going which I think was quite sweet, I’ll see him this weekend, however it’s looking like it’s going to be wet, which is never promising.

I have been chatting to someone else on one of the sites, he’s asked me out, he seems nice but it puts me in a bit of a predicament really, what do I do? I don’t really want to go on a date with someone else at the moment but do I put it on hold? What if he isn’t putting things on hold. He seems nice, he lives up this way (Chester, yep I’m not sure we should trust anyone from Chester after the last one) but his parents are down by me and he coaches Rugby there of a weekend, he’s quite keen and has already offered a lot of options for a date, here, there, this week, this weekend.

So, this week is my first week working in Manchester, the journey up yesterday was fine, without the roadworks and on a good run it’s 2.5 hours door to door so I think it’s going to be doable, will I want to do it every week though, that’s the question!

I’ve had a nice welcome, one of the guys that works on our second tier team (two below my boss) works here and flirts with me regularly! Came and took me out for lunch yesterday and is again today, his girlfriend works here and she turned up yesterday as soon as he came down to take me for lunch, apparently she’s not keen on blondes!

As we were walking back from lunch yesterday he informed me that my trousers were see through, I didn’t believe him as they are new and from Next, Next don’t make see through work trousers, surely? However he did describe my knickers, however could black and lacy be a fluke? I went out to dinner with a couple that I used to work with, they are LOVELY but he was very boring last night, kept telling me about his new policeman friend and how I would like him, however his new policeman friend is married, so I’m not sure what the idea behind that was, he was also describing all of their interactions in great detail, you know the kind of thing where you had to be there? Well I wasn’t!

I made excuses about 9, as I really wanted to go to Ikea (I have never used those words before and promise never to again, I hate that place) to look at storage and they close at 10, made it with half hour to look around, it wasn’t long enough, disappointed massively that I’ll have to go back.

The motorway was closed, as was the exit to my hotel and everything I needed, it took ages, I’m shattered today and my thoughts are elsewhere!

A friend of mine was flaunting her 'amazing' new man on Facebook at the weekend, it pretty much summed up the reason why I am still single, I'm not convinced that when she finished scraping the barrel she didn't pick it up and scrape under it, I'm not just not ever going to be ready for that. I'm probably going to die alone because of it, on a positive note I already have the cats and won't need to buy any! 

It’s been a total…………..

Shitter of a week this week, works been mental with wall to wall meetings and the Director that I hate has been in, I think he’s gathered now that I don’t like him, which is positive. He’s annoyed one of the other PA’s this week with his demands, probably as he doesn’t think that we are important, however have you ever tried to get something you need from PA’s that you’ve pissed off? Yeah, good luck with that one!

I’ve been suspicious of him for a long time now, when he started he told me that his wife had died from cancer and that he is now seeing his best mates wife, after his best mate died in a climbing accident, what a terrible set of events I thought, although I did wonder about swooping in on the wife and children, a few months later one of his staff was chatting to me, saying how awful it was that his wife had committed suicide, hmmm I thought, that’s odd.

A few days ago one of the other directors came up to me and told me that he had now told her two different stories about his wife’s death, one the suicide, one the car crash, so this is now three stories I’ve heard, you can’t tell me that’s not weird? If you are going to lie, at least get your story straight eh?

It’s been a tough week for me dating wise, Cake Destroyer messages have been few and far between, although at least one each day, I’m torn with it if I’m honest I know that he graduates next week and that he’s really busy but if I see him online I think he’s got time to respond?

I found out this week that Cunt Face does have a girlfriend that he told me he didn’t have, now it shouldn’t be a great stretch as I know he’s a liar but he said that he wanted to be friends and that he was truly sorry for what he had done, which was obviously another lie, he’s obviously also cheated on her with me, that’s two girlfriends now.

It’s shaken my faith totally again (not my faith in him but sadly my faith in the male species) if he wanted to be friends then why didn’t he tell me about her? I would have been upset but I’d not have told him that, I’d have had a little time to get myself through it but I’d have been fine and we could have actually tried being friends, now we can’t because I gave him another chance and he lied again.

I stupidly feel hurt and I know I shouldn’t, I’ve known what he is like for a year now, when I found out. We can’t be friends, I can’t be friends with a liar, I just don’t know whether I’ll tell him what I know or just ignore him from now on.

I often wonder if people realise what effect they have on other people’s lives, he probably doesn’t think that not telling me he had a girlfriend and lying to me about his ‘lodger’ were a big deal but the ripples of those lies are still evolving here and it’s affecting what I do and think now.

For example when I don’t hear from CD I immediately think it’s because he’s lying or he’s found someone else (which it could be) but before CF that wouldn’t have entered my head, I know they aren’t all like that but I’m not sure that many good one’s exist anymore, I certainly don’t seem to come  across them.

I don’t know if it’s normal but I have a lot of male friends that are pretty shitty when it comes to girlfriends, the Best Friend for example he’s cheated on most of them and when he hasn’t it’s only been because they haven’t been together long enough, the 5/6 guys cheating on my birthday night out, seriously what does that say about them?

I desperately want to ask CD if there is anyone else but I don’t have the right to, I also don’t want to scare him off or project my insecurities caused by someone else onto him because that’s really not fair, can I really ask that question after two dates? I personally don’t want to go on dates with anyone else at the moment as we do have a bit of connection and some chemistry, so a date with someone else will either be a disappointment or make the water murkier, neither which I want.

The New Mechanic hasn’t been in touch a great deal this week, which is fine but I’ll see him next weekend at racing, even that’s a bit of a water muddier really.

Have had a few more messages from the Dr. 

Currently I don’t want to swipe but feel that I should, in case he is and I’m wasting my time, what kind of person does that make me and what sort of world does this make it?

I honestly think dating in this century sucks.

Feeling pretty depressed at the moment, which is totally the opposite of how this week started, I have no plans at all this weekend which is rare for me and maybe not good with how I feel currently.  

Alice went down the rabbit hole………….

And we all know what happened to her, I’m not sure why Princess Frog thought it was a good idea to follow, when I’d not even had a drink but I obviously did.

It’s quite unusual that I do two blog posts in two days but a lot has happened since the one I did yesterday and if I wait my little blonde head will forget or implode and I’m not keen on either.

So, last night I sent the Dr a LinkedIn message, it was very general and pretty short (as in words, not my temper) just saying I’d been to Oxford and the friend had mentioned him, I hope all was well and it had been years, I said nothing that needed a response and I didn’t really expect one, however I got one.

He said that it had been ages and he couldn’t believe anyone was asking about him, he asked if I’m working in London (there is a photo of me by Tower Bridge) said he’d worked there for about 3 years and said he hoped all was well.

I did quite a lot of eeeeeekkkkkkkkkkk’ing and called the friend/mum up and told her, she was also doing a lot of the same noises! She also told me not to phone her again without texting first, I use the phone so little that she thought it was either the paramedics telling her I was in an accident, or the police telling her I’d been arrested, which to be fair pretty much sums me up, if you can’t say it by Whatsapp or Facebook message do you really need to say it at all?

I responded saying that I do some work there but travel a fair bit for work and that I’d done some work in Belfast a few years ago, I asked if he was back home these days following the London comment.

He said yes, that he’d taking up a Consultant post two years ago, he’d have stayed in London but went back for the kids, who are there with their mother, he said that they are going through a pretty unpleasant divorce, that gave way for another little squeal, which is bad really as I don’t believe in divorce at all, I know it’s quite common now but I think if you get married you do it once (yep, that’s why I haven’t)

I asked how old they were, he’s got a 15 year old, I find that hard to believe, I guess I still think of him in his early 20’s, he’s a bit older than me but only by a couple of years I think. I was quite excited to speak to him, who doesn’t like a walk down memory lane? He told me he still gets over to London a bit for work and to see friends.

I had a bit of a Facebook stalk, like you do (you do right?) he looks older than I would have thought but as I said before I remember him 20 years ago and a lot can happen in that time can’t it?

I got a message from Cake Destroyer last night and I still don’t know how I feel about it.

Before we met I knew that he was going to be posted and I knew where to, it’s somewhere that I used to go to regularly with an old job that I did about 11 years ago, it’s about 80 miles from home and takes approx an hour and a half in the car, so I was cool with it and obviously thought it was do-able.

He is currently 35 miles away but it’s still over an hour as there is little motorway in between, in the time we’ve known each other (we matched on 16^th July) we’ve managed to see each other twice, once when he was given a days leave and once when he was on his two weeks leave and we met in the middle but Phase 1 training means he is completely at the RAF’s disposal 24/7 so I know they are keeping him really busy.

He had been told that his Phase 2 wouldn’t start until January, which he wasn’t particularly happy about but I was kinda hoping that they would leave him where he was which would have hopefully have given us the chance to work out how we felt and if we intended to go forward. We had discussed it last week and he said he was annoyed at the fact that he didn’t want his career to be put on hold for the rest of the year, so I’m really pleased for him that won’t be happening but a little sad for us that he’s going to be so much further away so soon. He graduates next week and his posting starts the week after so it’s only 10 days away now.

He hoped he would get leave this weekend and had said on our date that he’d like us to see each other but I’ve not heard anything so doesn’t sound likely, which is a shame as I have a rare free weekend. If he gets the following weekend off then it’s a race weekend and I’ve got plans for all three days, including the Friday which I have booked off.

I just feel a bit like it’s game over, it may not be the case but I guess we’ll see, the message came in quite late last night, just before midnight and I made the mistake of reading it, I then couldn’t sleep so I’m pretty tired today.

He’s not yet been on Whatsapp since last night so there is no response as yet, maybe we’ll have more blogs this week?

I find it really weird when it all goes wrong that you get used to hearing from someone every day and then all of a sudden you don’t, I guess you get used to it though.

Cunt Face knows I’m there next week, I don’t expect to see him though.

The Vet’s Mum is in today, that made me laugh!

A little walk................

down memory lane.......

The long weekend went quickly, I went to a baby shower on Saturday for the girl I really like at work, I wasn’t sure about going really as I can’t say they are ‘my thing’ although I’ve never been to one before.

I’m a bit of a quandary with my personality, I suffer and have for nearly half of my life from depression but I am now at the stage where I manage it really well and haven’t been medicated for years, I can quite often feel when it’s coming and stop it from falling so deep that within a couple of weeks I can’t dig myself out of it. I also suffer from a bit of anxiety, not terribly and I’ve only ever had one really bad attack, where I thought I was going to die but I find it kicks in before events.

I don’t think that most of my friends would know or believe that I suffer with either, most that were there at the time it was really bad probably think that I suffered at the time but now it’s gone, little do they know that it never goes, it just gets better or worse.  I’m life and soul of the party once I’m there but I don’t always get there because very occasionally I let those things stop me, I try very hard not to and once I’ve said I’ll go it’s very rare that I don’t.

So I went along and was pleased to see two girls that I used to work with there, so I at least knew someone, I was right, it wasn’t my thing but it was sweet, I got her a very cool present of a ‘dream sheep’ which I got as I love sheep and it was cute, little did I know that it’s the bee’s knees of baby presents and it the most coveted present of new parents as apparently it settles babies really well.

Sunday I went to my home town to meet up with someone I met on holiday three years ago, we kept in touch on Facebook and are both single, so we’ve talked about a holiday together. We went for a day of being tourists.

Oxford is a beautiful place, it isn’t called the dreaming spires for nothing. I lived there for 23 years and then spent a further 5 living on the outskirts before heading across the county border but in all of the time I spent there I don’t think I ever really appreciated how beautiful it was.

We did lots of touristy things, including the bus tour which I wouldn’t recommend, it spent far more time at bus stops than I would have liked, maybe better for people that don’t know the area at all?

One of the things we did was to visit the college that I used to waitress at when I was at college, it’s a beautiful place, arguably the oldest of the Oxford University colleges.

I had a little reminisce of a little summer romance with one of the students, he was a medical student that used to work with us, he’d always been lovely but one summer after he’d graduated he came back to work with us as we had American students in for the summer.

He was tall, ginger with the most gorgeous Northern Irish accent, he was also generally a nice guy.

We spent most of the summer flirting, however I’m a little dumb with things like that, quite often I don’t notice until it’s pointed out and it was by my best friend/surrogate mum.

They’d walk in during the break in the evening and he’d be sat behind me massaging my shoulders or walk past and touch me as he did, I have no idea why it took me so long to catch on but it did, I was probably put off knowing that it wouldn’t be long before he’d be flying back off to Belfast to start his career.

However as the summer moved on, just before he flew home we were going on a night out straight from work, he and some of the other students were coming with us, our connection was pretty obvious to most people by this point, even me.

So we went out, we showed them the proper Oxford (all the places that the students didn’t know about!) and then he kissed me, it was like 20 years ago so I can’t say I remember much about it.

He took me to see the Shelley memorial after we’d been to the club, he had the keys so we could go into the enclosure which was pretty exciting, although I wouldn’t have appreciated it at the time (I was also drunk so even less likely) I stayed the night in his room (in the masters lodgings!) we didn’t have sex, even then I didn’t just sleep with anyone and although I liked him I’m sure I’d have been concerned about him going home a couple of days later, I did spend the night in his bed though.

The next thing I knew was hearing the key turning in his door the next morning, he was late for work and one of the girls was obviously coming to get him, his body went flying across his room to stop the door opening, we then heard that it was not only the girl that liked him but also that her Mum was our boss, a bit awkward, he however managed to ward her off and told her that he’d been in soon.

He came back to bed, we said our goodbyes and I snuck out, leaving him to go to work, nothing like the walk of shame through Oxford and on the bus in the morning in last nights clothes (It wasn’t the first time, nor the last though)

That evening I went into work as normal, in the break when we all sat and ate someone said ‘he was late in this morning, ……….. thought he has someone in his room when they went up’ neither of us said anything or made eye contact, although I’m sure we were both blushing, my friend was doing her best not to laugh. I think we thought we’d got away with it, until someone said ‘I’m sure I saw you early this morning, you weren’t on breakfast were you?’ No, I said, it won’t have been me…….. likelihood is they knew all along, I imagine they’d spent the summer predicting it, however I’m sure they would have all thought more happened than it did.

He left the next day, I think we were both a little sad, I saw him a couple of times after that, when he was back for a day or two but that’s all really, this weekend was the first time I’ve thought about him in ages, I had a smile on my face for the whole of the college tour, particularly when we were looking at the Shelley Memorial and the Masters Lodgings, my friend saw the photos and messaged me, mentioning him and that summer, so I had a little look on Linkedin and there he was, he is still a paediatric surgeon, still based in Ireland, I added him and he’s accepted, it’s nice to have a little venture down memory lane, however you must remember not to do an Alice and go back down the rabbit hole.

So, Cake Destroyer is back on base, which means messages are limited again, he took his main exam yesterday and passed so he was pleased about that, still no idea when we will see each other again however he seems to still be keen on meeting, he asked what I was doing yesterday and I explained how I needed to get rid of a load of clothes, he responded saying he hoped I was keeping the dress I wore on our last date (I am) he seems really lovely but it is hard when you don’t see much of each other, which is an incredible thing for me to see coming out of my own mouth!

I’m still not sure whether it’s ok for me to be swiping, or going on dates with other people but I don’t really feel that I want to at the moment (I am a bit of an old fashioned girl I’m afraid and believe that if you like someone after 2/3 dates you should only be dating them until you’ve worked your feelings out) however if he is I don’t really want to stop.

The New Mechanic has been getting in touch still, he kept asking what I was doing yesterday and I was a little nervous that he was going to ask me out, I don’t think I’d have known what to do then, he didn’t though so all was ok, he did tell me he needs a winter girlfriend to take up his time when there is no racing, unsure as to whether or not that was a hint, there are only three rounds left this year and I’ll only be at one of them for one day (maybe not at all)

I’m up in Manchester for work next week, yep, right by Cunt Face himself, I’ve said I’m there but I don’t think he’ll make himself available, if he did what would I do? That would confuse things even more but it won’t happen so it’s all ok right?

I’ve turned most of the app’s find me things off and deleted OKCupid because I don’t really like it to be honest, I’m a bit half hearted at the moment with it (because of CD) and I’m just not a half hearted kinda girl, I’m an all or nothing kinda girl, all in or all out, I don’t want to be flakey or not quite there because it’s pointless and I just hate pointless.

Anywho, time to get back into a meeting……..

Cake Destroyer Date Two....................

Sooooo, Wednesday night was the second date that I didn’t think was going to happen with Cake Destroyer, he sent a message on Tuesday inviting me to his for dinner (maybe half joking) so I responded saying it was too late for me to get there in time for dinner, he said he’d extend the offer to the next day.

I had quite a long think about it, I wanted to see him again to see if there was anything there between us but I wasn’t keen to go to his house on a second date, I wasn’t sure there if there was a lot of chemistry although we’d got on really well and I thought it might be uncomfortable, certainly if we didn’t have a lot of chemistry and secondly in someone else’s home that soon.

I suggested that we meet in the middle, he said yes, found a restaurant and we arranged to meet.

Messages winged back and forth and then he sent me a message saying ‘Just so you know I’ve grown a gay little moustache and beard, just for these two weeks off, so I apologise in advance’

I responded with ‘erm, I think I might be busy tonight now!’

‘I think maybe I should have a shave..’ was the next message to which I responded with a laughing smiley.

I HATE facial hair, it gives me a rash for one and I don’t think it looks nice either, so that gave me a bit of dread about the date, I was already a little nervous I have to say, I wondered if we’d have much of a connection after a month and I think I think it’s quite a long time between first and second dates, we’ve talked loads though in between, every day apart from the week he was on exercise.

The restaurant looked nice, a gastro pub, I was concerned about what to wear, I still feel pretty fat and horrible, I emptied my wardrobe and tried loads on, couldn’t find a top I wanted to wear with my jeans, in the end I wore the cold shoulder dress that I’d worn the last time I saw Cunt Face, it’s pretty much a smart/casual summer dress, not too dressed up but had the weather not had been on my side it wouldn’t have worked, straightened hair, makeup (more than the last time I’d seen him as that was a Sunday afternoon) sandals with a heel (had to do the heel test at some point so why not today?)

I arrived and he’d literally pulled in just before me, I put the top up on the car and he said that I was showing off, I got out and he gave me a hug and said that he was a bit underdressed (he wasn’t, maybe I was a little over dressed but I wasn’t dressed up) he had jeans, shoes and a light jumper, he looks better with more hair, however that will be gone today or tomorrow, I did think that he looked nicer today than on our first date.

He had shaved, my first words to him were asking what had happened to the facial fungus, he said he’d thought it was a bad idea so had shaved and that it also looked crap but they were all doing it.

We went in and sat down and the conversation was really easy between us, a fair bit of ribbing and we are both fairly warped in sense of humour, which always makes the conversation interesting, we had starters and main course and I turned down pudding, I couldn’t have eaten anymore.

I was right about the weird little facial movements, they must have been nerves as they were certainly a lot less frequent this time and he was better on eye contact, although he could have done with a little more still but hey no one is perfect and dating is hard.

We continued to chat and I did wonder there was something developing between us, we got the bill and he insisted on paying, which I thought was nice, it’s not something I’d accept with someone I didn’t expect to see again either, he’d also held the door open when we arrived and left and I think that there is a lot in gentlemanly behaviour.

We walked to the car and stood chatting, we have a bit of a joke about him and young boys (he took one of the 17 year old recruits to the cinema on his birthday and said it looked very wrong and it’s gone on from there) he asked if he could prove to me that he wasn’t into boys!

I said ‘I don’t know, can you?’ so he kissed me and it was nice, really nice. There was definitely something there by this point for me, he’s a decent kisser too which always helps, he asked when he could see me again and I asked when he wanted to, he said literally the next time that they let him have leave.

He thinks they may put him on leave the weekend after this one but doesn’t know for sure, rarely I have nothing on that weekend, so if they do it could just work.

He asked me to message him when I got home, I always think that’s a good sign (however Cunt Face did that too)

He eventually said ‘I’ll put you down now’ I wasn’t overly bothered about being put down by that point to be honest, as we left he thanked me for coming to meet him again and was generally really sweet.

I messaged when I got home, saying thank you for dinner and a really lovely evening, he thanked me for joining him and said I looked fantastic, he was very complimentary about the date and how well we’d got on again, I told him I’d had reservations and he said that he has wondered too, he apologised for not being around as much as he should have but said that he thinks the conversation flows really well between us and that I am massively in credit with him. We agreed that speaking by text has helped keep us in touch and feel like we know each other.

I told him he had to send me the face fungus photo’s so he set his alarm this morning so that they were there when I woke up, I told him that he should definitely put them on Tinder as they would certainly get him left swipes and weirdo’s and thanked him for shaving, he responded saying that he was ‘alright ta, thinking I’m alright with you abusing me’

So we’ve kind of covered Tinder a bit, when do you have that talk of dating sites? We’ve spoken quite a lot today, he said that he wishes I’d binned the day off at work today and I do too, and that I could have then had the message he keeps promising me.

I was a bit eeeeeekkkkkkkk on the way home and yesterday which worries me a bit, last time I felt like this it was ruined within 48 hours with the girlfriend/lodger revelation.

I know we shouldn’t tar everyone with the same brush but I don’t want to get hurt again and I don’t want to get involved with something that isn’t going anywhere, he’s saying all of the right things but do I believe him? I need to give him some trust and I can’t punish him for something that someone else has done but I still hurt from Cunt Face, over a year on.

Last night is the first date I’ve been on since him where I’ve not been upset on the way home because there wasn’t any chemistry or thought that it was a waste of makeup because the date was rubbish, so that’s good.

I don’t know when we’ll see each other now until they tell him about leave but I would like to see him again and he says he’d like to see me, so we’ll see what happens I guess?

Spoken to Mr Bumble this week, he’s now dating the married woman (who split up with her husband less than 8 weeks ago!) but seems happy, which is good.

Not heard from the new mechanic for a couple of days, which with things how they are at the moment isn’t a bad thing.

I don’t really want to meet anyone at the moment, I’m happy getting to know CD at the moment but I don’t want to take myself totally ‘off the market’ particularly if he isn’t but I don’t want to have a proper conversation about it when we’ve only had two dates, in an ideal world he’d bring it up!

This weekend I’m off to a baby shower (not looking forward to that to be honest) and meeting up with someone I met on holiday three years ago, in the hope that we can at some point go on holiday together, so hopefully a nice weekend, not too busy but with things to do.