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Friday 28 August 2020
Thursday 27 August 2020
The Pilot - Black Box Edition
Now I think there is a limit to the feelings you can have for someone in a couple of dates like we have, so it's not heartbreak like it is when you're in love, it's the feeling that something good could have been and you'll never know.
We had conversations that I wouldn't normally have with people I don't know very well, we talked about the things we had in common, things we'd like to explore in (and out) of the bedroom, the list of things we have in common was long, when we asked each other questions, more often than not the other answered with 'me too'
For three weeks I woke up to a 'Morning' message daily, followed by a photo and we talked most evenings until we said goodnight, it's a hard habit to break, let alone for it to be gone in an instant.
You'll see in the last two posts about him that I've said all along he was too perfect and too good to be true, I also desperately wanted to be wrong, sadly I wasn't.
I said in my last post that his contact had changed slightly on Friday and Saturday, just morning messages and then no contact during the day/evening, I am always concerned about changes in habit, it usually means something is happening in the background but by Sunday it was back to normal so I thought I was probably being stupid and overthinking.
Sunday we talked from when he got home until we both went to bed, swapping photos and messages until gone midnight.
Monday morning he sent me the usual 'Morning' message with a photo in his shirt as he was going into training and I responded with one of me in bed and that was it................... sometimes it takes a while to respond but he always does and it's usually quite fast, it set me on edge a bit but I knew he'd been in training and tried to put it down to that, while having the feeling in my stomach that this was the beginning of the end, following the change at the weekend.
On our last date he'd talked about how it was his turn to give me the house tour at his and show me around the area, he was super fast in booking in dates one and two, so I thought I'd mention meeting to gauge what was happening, he'd been talking about it during the second date and since.
I sent him a casual message at 19:40 asking how he was and asking if he fancied meeting for a drink one night, he responded at 20:58 in his usual manner but saying he had an annoying week but free next week if any good.
I'm pretty sure the good friend is the ex, we'd chatted about past relationships over the weekend and he'd said that they are very good friends and see each other often but I don't see a major issue with that, usually I'd think that if they don't hate each other it's positive and he's likely not a wanker, he also said they'd split as they ended up being little more than friends.
Also; normally he'd tell me why the week was annoying, like this week he had two days training.
Should I have sent the message I did? Who knows? I never will but I genuinely would rather know if someone is checking out, you can then move on and I'm a big fan of closure, I think it's important but I do need to remember that no matter what you do, you don't always get closure, in fact I don't think you often get closure, people find honesty difficult but is honesty really more difficult than deception?
Even though I know ALL of this I'm a Cancerian who isn't good at taking her own advice. I struggle to walk away from people I've connected with, whether it's friendly or romantically, I'm still friends with most of my exes, the Ex Best Friend is part of my life again, even after hurting me badly.
I genuinely don't let people into my life easily, I'm not great at making friends and early days in new relationships are difficult for me as I have to lower the walls that I surround myself with and although I know this has to happen I find it incredibly hard, why lower a wall to enable someone to hit you with a baseball bat five minutes later.
I don't think that I was harsh in the message? I was just asking a question and I guess giving him the opportunity to check out if he wanted to, unusually for me, I also stated that I did like him and would like to see him again, maybe that's where I went wrong?
The message was initially unread for the evening and I did wonder if it would stay like that indefinitely but at 07:58 the next morning it went to blue ticks and then 23 minutes later, after staring hard at the phone and my legs shaking wondering what it would say, I got a reply.
It was read about five hours after it was sent and that's how it stayed, I looked at my phone, I saw him appear online, I got annoyed, I got upset, I stared at the phone harder to see if that would make it ping, I checked his Bumble location and it remained at home (he didn't check in from work on Monday or Tuesday, which has been ususual for him and it still remains at his home location) Met someone maybe? Girlfriend?
If that was the case though why couldn't he have sent me a message saying that? I've met someone and I'd like to pursue it? I'd actually have had a respect for him (while still being hurt, I'm sure that bit wouldn't have changed)
I've joked all along that he's so good he's got to have a wife or six girlfriends stashed in cupboards but the photos he's sent of him have all been carefully inspected for any signs of a woman or another person but thinking on it today, he does a lot of RAF work and his ex is a Pilot, so maybe she's been away while we've been talking and seeing each other?
I actually have no idea why I'm speculating this because I'm never going to know.
Yesterday, I thought 'maybe he was just busy, read the message and forgot to respond' because if I'm honest I do this all the time, a message comes in, I read it, go to respond, get distracted and that's it, a day, a week or a month later I remember and feel like a terrible person and apologise, so with that in mind I sent what would be a 'normal morning message'
And then ends this story because it's been sitting for over 24 hours; Unread.
I feel sad, it was only three weeks but I feel and overarching sadness that I finally thought it was my turn for something good to happen when it came to dating. I cried yesterday, like really cried, over someone I barely know, which is just totally bizarre to me.
This morning I woke up feeling terribly sad and teary again, I was in tears while on a work call, all very unlike me.
And it took me back to four years ago; when I found out that Cunt Face's lodger was his girlfriend of 7 years. One of the boys walked past my desk and said 'You look really sad today KF' and it totally summed up what was going on at the moment and I'm feeling it all again now.
I'm a really weird mix of half introvert, half extrovert - an Ambivert. I get anxious over walking into a room, despite knowing that I'll be fine when I get in there. I absolutely hate small talk and am appalling at it but love conversations that engage me. I can be somewhere totally calm and be happy and be in the loudest of nightclubs and having a great time, I'm really good at finding our details that people wouldn't normally know and I'm well known as the joker.
If someone asks me if I'm ok, the answer is 'I'm fine thanks, how are you' no matter what the real answer is, when W@nk Bag and I broke up I cried every day for two weeks on the three hour round trip to work and back but you'd have never known it had happened when I walked into a meeting but I'd see friends and be happy, close my front door, crash against it and sob, I guess what I'm saying is for someone to pick up I'm sad it's pretty bad!
The last time I really hoped like this was four years ago, with Cunt Face, again right from date one there was something there and date two was even better, lots of chemistry, lots of laughter and that feeling of hope that this could be something.
Being the person I am, that struggles to leave things I'm going to send one more message in a few days, asking if he can send the Black Box Data; because it seems his planes gone down over the ocean with radio silence.
I know it won't help, I know it won't make me feel better, I know he'll likely leave it unread but sometimes you have to do something because you feel that you need to and this is one of those times.
Tuesday 25 August 2020
EXFX - Continued...........
I've seen him a couple of times since the night I got soaked on the way home from his house.
His flirt game has upped in his very own quite niche way, which is using terminology such as his 'balls are always happy when I'm around' (I know, go figure) or do I want him to make a diversion and come to mine after he's been out (it's a small village and he lives approx 3 minutes walk away from me and has to not far walk past my road)
He came over one evening on the pretext of giving me a massage but he's not very good at massage apparently so didn't, however he did take me to bed for a bit (still didn't quite get to sex) but he did actually remember it was was a two person event this time, that's positive right?
He's not the best communicator, it can be every day, once a week, longer, who knows, I usually let him initiate contact though, he's normally first and it's rare I suggest we see each other, he does the leg work.
I guess we still talk fairly regularly but I like a bit more consistency and I probably do favour at least daily communication and it's quite rare we have that between us, although sometimes we do...... yeah, I guess it's a bit like that really! I am used to it with him though and I've now learned not to overthink it with him. A phrase I'm going to use is one I'd like to live by more really 'it is what it is'
He works in timber and I've had some stuff from them recently for the garden (that was a funny conversation when my carpenter called them and he answered and the phone was passed to me - he said he nearly didn't recognise my posh voice, I mean I've never spoken to him on the phone before so why would he?! I've been waiting on the developer to make changes to the wall and then for the trellis from his company to go up, once the wall was up I sent him a photo, he said he didn't think I needed the trellis anymore but said he'd come over and have a look if I wanted a second opinion, which I did.
We had a couple of days of his version of flirting and asking me if I'd put the pool up yet and when he asked me on the Sunday I said that I was going to put it up but that he would be going in it, he said he didn't want to go in it, he'd asked me for several days if I'd put it up yet, why wouldn't you?
He messaged a little later and asked if I was in, said he'd pop round and that I would see him before I heard him, meaning he was driving, I told him that was very lazy and he should leave the car at home, he said he was already out.
He turned up, minus the car and I commented that it was nice he had actually done as he was told for once, we went to sit outside with a drink, he had said in the week he had a pop rivet gun and would fix my kitten pen for me, so he got me to take me up and show him, realising that it was more complicated than he'd originally thought.
As we walked back downstairs he said something about not having eaten so I offered a sandwich, he said he was fine but he'd like a kiss and pulled me into him, he got a bit hot and steamy in the hall and he suggested going up to bed, I told him that he'd be getting in the pool first...... I mean it did seem like he needed to cool off?
As I pulled my shorts off he commented about me getting ready for the pool, I said that I'd always been getting in and had my bikini on underneath, he changed into his trunks and got in the pool, I mean it took him ages and he moaned a lot about how cold it was (it really wasn't that cold, it was over 30 and sunny, the pool was lovely) he stayed in about half hour and then got out, I got out too and came in to go to the loo, as I walked back through the house he was standing there, keen to get back to where we'd been before the pool, we went up to my room and I think we may have got to sex this time apart from 'have you got any protection' to which I explained that not even condoms have that long on their expiry date!
I've not had sex with anyone in 4/5 years so any I have had in that time have gone out of date and been chucked away, in fact not even just one box has met its fate like this, if I was seeing someone I think I'd have time to preempt it moving on and rectify that but I've not been sure that we'll ever get there.
Again we never quite got there, I'm still not back on that horse. He cuddled me for a bit and we chatted for a while before he got dressed and went home.
Although it was more normal as it was an afternoon I still feel like the getting dressed and going home bit makes it feel a bit transactional?
I had to order some hinges for the kitten pen, so I messaged him when they arrived, he said he could possibly do it that day and then a bit later that he was tired, when I didn't hear anymore from here I assumed he wasn't coming over.....
It was just over a week later that I heard from him but he has been away for the weekend with friends and only got back Monday night.
The Trellis has posed a problem, it needs to go back but my carpenter wants to take it back when he's there so has asked me to contact him to find out when he is in work but I didn't want to contact him because it's rarely me that makes the first move, the carpenter just knows we're friends, so he probably wonders why I'm stalling, instead of being more keen on getting my money back, truth is I'm stalling because I didn't want to be making the first move at getting in touch.
On Tuesday night I had the lovely date with The Pilot, you know the sort of date that you get carried away from, when you turn up and they actually look and sound how you expect, they haven't lied about themselves, they look like their photos, the conversation flows and you get home and get a message saying they'd like to see you again, followed by actually arranging to see you again............ yes, those weird and wonderful dates that nearly NEVER happen to me!
And a few hours later XBFX sends a message about coming over, I'd had nothing in over a week..... I didn't want to make a decision because I don't know what's going on in the background with either of them. I do worry about ruining the friendship between XBFX and I but it was only just over a week ago that we were talking about a group of guys that go away on 'boys weekends' and cheat on their respective partners, he said that 'chance would be a fine thing' when he's away and I'm not sure that didn't really tell me all I need to know.
Then Thursday brought Date Two with The Pilot, which was just as good as Date One, all of my multi dating theories went out of the window as I now wouldn't want to go on a date with anyone else until we know where we are and have explored things further. I said that there wasn't a hurry as the date I originally needed it for had passed and I had a few weeks before the next one, we had a quick chat, he's still got things going on at work and that was it...................
Until I bumped into him on Saturday night, while I was walking home with his ex, her boyfriend and one of his mates, he's read my message and hasn't replied, so I'm guessing that I'm in the dog house.
He also appeared on my Tinder feed last night (I'm not on there because I'm looking to date, I'm on there because I feel if The Pilot's still dating I should at least be looking)
I had a Facebook notification this morning reminding me that it was a year ago he first came to the house after getting in touch again, we spent the evening in the garden, having a drink while looking at the stars in my beautiful new house (it wasn't romantic like it sounds!!)
Life is never simple around here is it?
Monday 24 August 2020
The Pilot - Date Two
I was terribly nervous, you can't dress up for a date at home, it was hot so I was in jean shorts and a black vest top, no makeup, freshly washed but 'un done' hair.
Wednesday 19 August 2020
The Pilot..............
We matched on Bumble again two weeks ago, I said 'We must stop matching like this' and he replied saying 'it's obviously meant to be' we've kept up a good level of conversation since, switching over to Whatsapp just before this weekend and then asked me if I had any free evenings this week, so we planned to meet up on Tuesday.
I can't remember when I felt this nervous about going on a date, maybe four years ago with Cunt Face? So we all know a fall is coming don't we? Even before meeting he did seem too good to be true.
He's 38 which is pretty age appropriate for me, I do like them younger but sometimes I veer on the side of 'young' I suppose (as in early 30's not 19) but if I could pick an age I'd pick early 30's/late 40's.
He's 6'4 and I do love a tall guy, I like to be able to wear heels and them to still be significantly taller than me, if I was to pick a perfect height for me it would be 6'2 but who's going to complain about an extra couple of inches?! 😉
From the title of this post you'll know what job he does, he's career minded and driven which I find attractive.
He's consistent with his messaging, I find that really attractive, I can live with someone that gets in touch sporadically (like EBFX) but it's not something I enjoy, I guess with EBFX I'm used to it now but I hate lack of communication. This morning The Pilot sent me a photo in his flying suit (in exchange for one of me in my dress for work) and then messaged saying he was just heading towards the Aircraft which meant I'd not hear from him for a couple of hours. He messaged Monday saying that he needs to find somewhere for us to meet tomorrow, so there is no is it happen, isn't it happening; although he is on standby so it could be cancelled at the last minute but I'm prepared for that as he's already pre warned me.
His consistent conversation is good, enough flirtation to think he'd not fuck around when it comes to erm fucking around but not enough for being too pushy or dick pics, he's good with compliments without being sickly.
He's got his own house, it's nice to find someone that doesn't live with their parents or house share, so that's a plus.
He's about an hours drive away, which isn't the end of the world but he's already said that when he's on standby he has 90 minutes to get to work and that as long as he had his uniform with him being at mine wouldn't be an issue - again it's nice that he's thought about that.
He's offered to come to a pub a couple of miles from my house, most would (and nothing wrong with it) want to meet in the middle.
He is very attractive; dark haired, blue eyed, of course being attractive and saying he's a Pilot I've checked him out on LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, all of the info checks out, he sends ad hoc photos if I ask for them, so it seems legit (who'd have thought you'd need to go to that much effort to check someone out?!)
He messaged yesterday saying he was excited and I was too although also quite nervous, it's nice to not spend the day wondering whether it's going to happen or not. I've met people in the past that I've spoken with and it's sounded like it's going to be a great match and it's not been once we were there so that's always a concern.
I was getting ready to go out when I managed to smash a plant pot in the kitchen (honestly?!) then I came down and realised that my car keys weren't where they should be, I searched all the places I could think of but they weren't there, so I dived in the drawer and got my spares out, hoping that they worked as I'd never tried them, went out to the car, all good so came back and sorted my other bits out, while telling myself to calm down and I can stress over pots and keys later!
I messaged when I got to the pub, he said he'd got us a table in the garden and off I went, thankfully I recognised him straight away, he looks just like his photos, smiley, very tall, he stood as I got to the table and gave me a hug and a kiss before offering me a drink.
I told him about the plant pot and keys and he said that with all that I'd got there on time and we swapped losing key stories.
The conversation flowed all evening, we met at 7:30 but he was on call until 8 so I had a Rose Spritzer while he had a coke and we swapped over later on once he could have a drink, I could only have the one as I was driving.
He walked me back to my car and gave me a hug and friendly, end of first date kiss, he's a good talker, there were no awkward silences, which is always good, difficult to know on chemistry I think, until you kiss (properly) but all signs were good.
I always think that if they don't message that day to ask if you got home ok it's not a great sign and for the second time this year (and not many times in total) I was a bit nervous about whether that would happen or not. I do think that dates are a bit like interviews, unless I don't want the job (Which is more often than not) I walk away having absolutely no idea about what they thought of me.
Within an 45 minutes I got a message so I didn't have to wait for long, he talked about 'next time' and we both said we'd like to see each other again
He messaged me Good Morning first thing, we appear to have a lot in common, so with all that in mind, the real question is; what's the catch? I mean there has to be one, or a million, so far the only thing that raised spidey senses was seeing on Bumble that he'd been online at the pub (location change) but there is nothing wrong with that (I mean I'd rather he didn't but it's not like I've not done it myself and you have to keep your options open these days) it's also not like there isn't a XBFX and J in the background either is it...............
He's messaged saying he's heading up North tomorrow to see his brother and some friends and as he'll be passing within a few miles and said he could pop in for a cup of tea if I fancied but no worries if I'm busy as it's within work time, I've quite surprisingly said yes, I'd not normally have someone here after a first date but it's just a cup of tea and famous last words, he doesn't seem like a murderer!!
So, thats The Pilot who appears too perfect to be true, so do we think he has a wife and six girlfriends stashed? Or he's a serial shagger? It's got to be something right? I'm really trying not to overthink it but I'm really rubbish at that! I'm sure we'll find out.
Cunt Face has made dating difficult for me, I can't help meeting someone where I think there might be something there without thinking back to the chemistry I felt with him and the web of lies he pulled me into, honestly what a fucker!
Monday 17 August 2020
J - Second Date..............
Tuesday 4 August 2020
Did I miss the boat for getting back on the horse?
Since him the only person I've really dated to the point of sex is Cat Lover and he had some real issues, he was never able to get and/or keep an erection, which in turn made me feel like I was a terrible person and I couldn't do anything right and wasn't attractive enough for him to get excited over, not good enough for him, I know you shouldn't feel that but it doesn't mean you don't.
I remember discussing it with a male friend after who said that I shouldn't get wound up about it, by the end of our relationship I'd put off any signs of trying as I just couldn't face the feeling of rejection when it didn't happen (it never happened successfully)
Should I have slept with someone as soon as Cat Lover and I split? If I got bitten by a dog I'd still stroke another dog and when I've come off a horse I've made myself get back on, they say if you don't you never will.......
I'm now wondering if it's why I've done such a good job of putting off dating? Relationships are always better in my head than they are in reality.