Monday, oh Monday...................

Everyone knows that I detest Monday's with a passion (unless I'm not at work, then I'm ok with it!)
I've been good, I've not replied to the Whatsapp message from HIM since he sent it on Tuesday, pat on the back there, I've decided that I'll get to at least tomorrow, which will be a week, he took three day's to respond so it's customary to leave it at least that long, preferably double, I've gone to respond, I've started writing, I've deleted it, it's not that I don't want to.

My heart and my head are fighting on this one, my heart wants me to respond, my head tells me not to be such an idiot, he'd be putting more effort in if he was that bothered (I know thats the case and if my friends were asking for my advice that's exactly what I would be telling them) but my heart is telling me that it's been so rare that my heart has flipped over like that in the last few years that I should grab it with both hands and not let it go, I know what I need to do, but that doesn't mean it is what I would do.

I have not responded to him before, so I know I can do it, I hated doing it but I can, he is in my head all of the time, much more than strictly necessary but I can't help that to be honest, it is what it is!

So I only have to get to tomorrow and then I can respond, thing is although I've had nearly a week I'm not sure what I want to say, yep, I have no words, sounds like me? Nope! I probably only not have any words when I am at my lowest point, I guess we are there then!

The holiday is over...............

Cape Verde is an amazing place, the person I went with was possibly the most boring person that ever lived though, thankfully I met some great people, oh and I held a shark, a real, living Black Tipped Shark, which was pretty cool!

HE has been on and off, still made no plans to meet, despite this being the last weekend I can do before he goes to Australia. He's at times left it day's to reply and although his whatsapp says the message hasn't been read I can't believe that he's not looked at it for that long.

He messaged me last night saying that he does want to see me, things have just been manic, I'm finding it hard to believe but I'm also finding walking away pretty hard, I still think of him all the time, I know what I should do but doing it isn't easy.

Stingy is still continuing to do his usual of popping up as and when (and I'm fine with that!) he facetimed me on holiday which I was a little surprised about as that's the first time he's done that, he said he'd put off a visit as I wouldn't have been around (but I'm not sure about that!) he was a bit miffed when I said I was going to bed and messaged me saying he couldn't believe that I put the phone down (I did say that I was!)

Met a Tinder guy quite unexpectedly on holiday, very good looking, lacking in personality, moved on when he realised I wasn't going to be an easy lay, shagged a girl the next night (he told me this himself in the pool next day, not quite in those words mind) and then the next night he pied her off in front of everyone and went to bed leaving her with her friend and his mate (who the friend shagged) what a charmer, no great loss there eh?!

Had another little development since arriving home, a guy that is untouchable (due to a Fiance) has been in touch, I'll tell you a little story!

A couple of years ago I walked into our race awning to see this gorgeous man sitting across from me, oooohhhhh I thought that doesn't happen often, he was introduced to me as the cousin of my friend, it came about later that he had a girlfriend (I can't say there wasn't some disappointment!) anyway, we always have a chat when we see each other (he doesn't come racing much, maybe a round or two a year) and we are FB friends, follow each other on Insta etc.

He first PM'd me in May, he'd taken a couple of photos of me with my friends son that he'd obviously taken while I wasn't looking, very cure though, he said I was 'totally smitten' (I am and don't really hide that fact) we had a quick chat and that was that.

A few weeks ago, we had our end of season Karting night and he was there, with the now Fiance, he messaged me the day after asking if I was battered and bruised (I'd got a bit carried away and body slammed the tyre wall!) holiday was mentioned, could he come, yeah of course you can say's I..... anyway, why can't I find a nice man he asks but agree's that I shouldn't settle for anything less than perfect, he told me how they met (she kinda nicely stalked him!)

Morning after I got back from holiday I got a 'Welcome home' message on FB, he asked about the holiday etc, said he'd liked the bikini photo's (they were only photos of me going in the sea as it's rough there and you aren't really supposed to, I'm a bit chubby to be honest so wouldn't post bikini photo's as such!) we chatted for most of the day, one of his comments was that 'you won me over a long time ago' very unexpected that! As you know, I don't do getting involved with men with girlfriends, wives, etc, if he were to be single though, that is definitely an avenue I'd like to explore further! ;-)

No news is.........................

No news, it's just the same really, we've spoken every day so far but it's still not been quite what it was in the first few days, still don't have a date to meet up.

I finish work today for two weeks, on Wednesday I jet off on a six hour plane journey to the beautiful Cape Verde, I've not been abroad for over two years and I am much in need of it, especially now, I'm so stressed out that my period hasn't even arrived (it is definitely no other reason, panic not, we literally would be calling it a miracle birth!) so I hope that I can relax and not think about it too much, chances of that happening in reality though I think are slim.

On Wednesday I needed to try on the new undies that had arrived for holiday, we may have snapchatted a few shots, he appeared to get a little hot and bothered about them, the same shots also went to Stingy, his arch enemy, to be fair if I knew that something was going to happen and had a little bit of commitment I would happily close my accounts right now and to be fair I didn't think I'd say that myself, I sure can't imagine that anyone else would have pictured that coming out of my mouth.

I'm still using the sites, reluctantly, he has this 'I don't want anyone else' effect on me but I can't get near his head, it's not appearing to be a good sign is it?!

Bubble of confusion continues................

So, this weekend I'm at a show, showing for once instead of working which I'm looking forward to, then staying at a friends on Saturday night, home Sunday, Monday I'm having nails etc done and spending the day with my friend and her gorgeous little sunshine boy, Tuesday will be packing and then I hit the beach on Wednesday, I'm hoping for a few days to be lovely and go slowly, infact for the whole of the next two weeks to be like that.

I wonder if I'll hear from him today.............. my message still says unread but I can't believe he's not been on Whatsapp since last night, maybe he's dating, wouldn't surprise me, he is of course single now...........or is he?

Another week goes by with a muddled head.........

I guess it's a funny time here, that boy just seems to send me into flat out spin, Friday and Saturday seemed to continue in the same vein as Thursday evening was spent, can I see you, I miss you, I've missed speaking to you, I needed time to sort things out, get her moved out, will you come up, I've like to take you for a drink to apologise, let me take you for dinner, come up for a weekend, the chemistry between is amazing, all I wanted to do last time I saw you was kiss you but I knew you'd not let me touch you, I'm sorry I hurt you, I feel awful for it, goodnight my blue eyed beauty, blah, blah, blah.

Sunday he was quieter, Monday same again, I still got a good morning but we'd not spoken since before 9 the night before, after some really late one's, it's now Tuesday, I haven't answered him since 11pm last night and it's now been a whole week since I got those two little notifications that he was back in my life. 

I've thought about it, overthought about it, slept on it several times, overthought it some more and I'm still no further forward. 

I think in truth I'd drop everything tomorrow and run to him, if I thought that would help but I'm just not convinced that he knows what he wants. Does he actaully want me, or does he just want to hold onto me just incase? Is he a bit lonely now she's gone, can I trust a word that he says, would I ever trust him, could the distance work out. 

My head is literally like being in muddy pit of quicksand, it won't stop dragging my head back under, I'd come so far, I was still thinking of him most days, if not all but he is now back to the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. 

I don't know where to go with it, I can't stand him blowing hot and cold, that drives me nuts for starters, part of me wishes I'd never sent that message last week, part of me wonders if anyone will make my heart beat so hard when I see their name on my phone again but as I've experienced once before the bigger the high, the bigger the low.

Do I pass up the chance of having another go at the whole chemistry lab for the sake of not being hurt any further? I don't know, I really don't! What I do know is that he makes me feel that there is more out there, more to this and maybe you do get another chance at is, I also know that I choose men badly, I tend to pick them wrongly, my analogy of if you put 999 really great men in a room and one C**t I would still find that one and he'd be the one that I would be attracted to, I so wish my luck would change, I've now been on my own for the best part of 7 years, don't I deserve a chance of happily ever after?

Always playing catch up.............

Again it's been a little while since the last post, however there isn't a great deal to report (although I’ve just got to the end of the post and it’s a long one, for nothing to report like!)

I 've been on two dates, the first with someone that looked better in his photo's and wasn't very tall when we actually met, as you know that's a real issue for me, I think he is a genuine nice guy, does charity work, works for a charity but I honestly don't think that we would have much in common, he's an early riser that runs most days, church on a Sunday, just not me really, he messaged me a couple of times after the date but I can’t see the point of seeing each other again really.

The second was with a guy that is the oldest I've been out with, he is 47, I kind of do like younger guys, I seem to have a bit more in common with them and think generally guys my age look old but actually I thought he looked quite good for his age, he was probably about 5'10, it was an impromptu date, he messaged saying he was in the area and joked about coffee so I met him in Costa after work, he was nice, no lack of conversation but he told me the ages of his kids, one is at Uni and the other is going next year, it just made me think he was really old, children was mentioned (not by me) and he said he hoped I didn't want any as he couldn't any more, I don't think it's something that I am ready to write off just yet, he then made me walk to his car with him, where he turned his stereo on loudly with a soppy song and gave me flowers, a tad embarrassing in a car park and the flowers were Chrysanthemums which I would class as grave flowers. I'm a real flowers girl and I've got to say it put me off, there is no need to do flowers on a first date for starters but if you are going to do something, do it properly, I just kept thinking on the way home that I couldn't date a man that thought shit flowers were acceptable, especially on a date, you never get a second chance to make a first impression as they say and that is very true I think. He's messaged me since and I've been polite but that's it, I'm not going to be going on another date with him, too may little things.

I spent yesterday with the boys for the last race of the season, my friends son is now eight months old and he is literally like sunshine, I have felt broody since the first time I set eyes on him at a few days old and he makes me feel the same every time, he is full of smiles and wants to come to me every time we see each other and from the minute I arrive he is usually in my arms, I don't really do babies/kids but he is just something else, happy, smiley, lovely, it made me think again that although I'm well aware that it may never happen I'm not sure it's something I'm willing to give up on the prospect of just yet, maybe one day eh?

On that note, twice in two weeks I've walked into town at lunch and run into w@nk bag, it's not thrown me like it did before but it doesn't fail to make me think of what he put me through and what I missed out on because of his inability to grow a pair, the first time I almost smiled in that kind of ‘I know you but I'm not sure how’ before realisation set in and I looked away in disgust, my friend that I was with said he looked at me, he looks old, he's very grey now, still chubby and now preaching about JW's, I really missed out there, not!

 I've been chatting to a couple of guys, I'm quite keen to meet one, he lives about an hour and a half away, matched originally on Tinder many months ago (maybe even last year) but I know of him from our love of a certain racetrack, out in Germany! ;-) he is also a friend of a friend (well saying that they probably know each other for the same reason, well not the Tinder reason!) So, we matched, before the one with the girlfriend came into my life (who incidentally loves that same track and knows this person also, well he actually knows his ex really, now I imagine he was probably messaging or dating her too.......he told me he was a ‘spineless wanker who jibbed her off when she got sick’ however as the person that told me this was a spineless wanker that was seeing me behind his long term girlfriends back I don’t think that we can really take his opinion too seriously) we matched, chatted for a bit and then I decided that I'd had enough of Tinder and deleted my account. 

One of us added the other on Facebook back in July, I can't think which way around it was if I'm honest but we'd not spoken on there, he'd liked a profile photo I'd put on Facebook a couple of weeks ago but so had 50 other people, then one Friday night, there was a silly post on his page which I'd liked, he messaged me saying he'd not put it up and a friend had got hold of his phone, I made a joke and we flirted a bit, he asked for my number and we've flirted on and off since that night which was now a month ago. From our chats and interests, I think we have quite a lot in common and he's a bit cocky, which I quite like (I know, I know but I can't help it!)

I’m always pleased to hear from him he calls me Dory, because when he asked for my number he asked if I used Whatsapp or Snapchat, I said I don’t like Snapchat for conversations as it disappears and I then forget what we were talking about, he said I’m like Dory and it’s kinda stuck, so it’s Dory and Stingy (he’s a Scorpio) we probably chat a couple of times a week, sometimes more, not everyday.

So chatting last week and I said I was off to Racing this weekend which was in Kent (he is London) he said he was up my way on Saturday, I suggested a drink, he said he wasn’t sure that he’d have time but if he did he would like to, I had a feeling it wouldn’t happen but got myself ready anyway just in case, I had stuff to do so carried on with that and got lots done which was great but I guess I was a little miffed that he’d not made time.

In the mean time I’d matched and had been chatting with someone else, he’s got lovely shoulders! He kept me amused throughout the day, he’s in Ireland ready for his sisters wedding today but was still chatting quite a bit and well into the night (when I should have been asleep ready for an early Sunday start!)

I then get a message from Stingy, so at this point I was tired anyway and he’d been a couple of villages away (we are nearer 80 miles apart normally) so I was a little miffed that he’s not made the time to meet, I’ve done the talking for ages and there being nothing there when you meet and it’s so pointless, as least once you’ve met you can have a good idea.

First text came in:
1:45am ‘Hey you! X’ - I read it and thought ‘I’m not answering that now, he’s had all day (we’d chatted in the morning before he’d left) Then another:
1:42am ‘Well that was a long day. Just got home. X’ I finished talking to the guy with the lovely shoulders and went to sleep,
I was up early for racing so sorted myself out, as I was driving I saw another message pop up:
8:26am ‘Oi Dory. You stopped talking? X’ I have to admit to having a little smile to myself as this but still thought ‘well you should have sorted your act out yesterday to be honest’ so thought I’d let him wait a little longer, then another message pops up:
8:31am ‘If it’s because of yesterday just say.. but I did say I more than likely would be busy x’ I probably gave in a little bit at that point (c’mon you know you would have too!) He kind of got me at that a little bit so I responded:
8:40am - ‘I thought I was meant to be the (crab emoji – I am a cancerian!) one?! X’
8:42am ‘Just because I wasn’t around yesterday, doesn’t mean I don’t still want to see you, you Dory doughnut x’ Yeah, again I gave in a bit, while my resolve is epic once I’ve set it I can still be brought round to a point if I like someone, except in cases where they have passed the point of no return (cases such as w@nk bag and the guy with the girlfriend, then there is no going back) so I wasn’t totally truthful in my response but I didn’t want him to think I was annoyed with him for not meeting when we didn’t have a firm plan and I knew it might not happen (but hoped it would)
‘I’ve not got the arse, had a really nice day’ x (I should have probably not been quite so positive, made it sound a bit more like I wanted to see him?!)
‘Oh good (smiley emoji) x’
‘Thought I was in trouble there with you not replying lol x’
‘Would you be bothered?! x ‘
‘Well by me messaging you quite a bit there of course! Don’t want to be in the dog house x’ (Smiley Emoji)
‘You don’t seem the sort to be bothered! x’
‘Well you’re a decent woman (winking smiley emoticon) x’
‘Stop sucking up! X’
‘You don’t know that x’
‘Ok well you seem it (laughing emoji) x’
‘The internet is a wonderful thing (laughing emoji) x’
‘Isn’t it just (winking emoji) x’
‘Actually I’m pretty fucking amazing, today I’m driving 240 miles to deliver the cakes I spent yesterday making, dedication x’
‘Fuck me that is dedication x’ About an hour later I send a message saying:
‘anyway, getting all (crab emoji) with me, you don’t always answer me straight away either (shocked emoji) x
’ That night I had had no response so he got a:
‘Oi! (Scorpion emoji) x’ ‘Hello (smiley emoji) x’
‘Done with moaning now?! X’
‘I never moan (cool emoji) x’

That was last night and I’ve not responded since, I don’t want to be an idiot and think he’s bothered when he’s not, or is he only bothered when I’m not, is that how it works, he did appear genuinely bothered when I didn’t respond but with men these days who knows eh?!

The dating game.................................

Well, I went on the date on Monday with the 38 year old from the army, never have I felt so uncomfortable on a date, lots of silences (difficult with me that one!) he kept touching me, which I have to say that I didn't like at all, just like hand on my knee or on my back but I did a good job I think of telling him that I was uncomfortable without doing what I felt like which was going 'get the fuck off me' I managed an hour before making my excuses and leaving, in that hour I'd managed to tell him everything that was bad about me (something I usually try not to let on, on dates! I came home feeling totally deflated and wondering if the dating game is really for me, I've not had a lot of luck with these male things lately but in truth I think this is the most uncomfortable I've felt with someone yet. I spoke to the Tennis Coach that night but only by message and I messaged the guy from before Christmas (Space Cadet's friend) we still chat every couple of weeks, we had our first conversation with no innuendo and not a great deal of flirtation, new experience that, we talked dating, I was a little gutted when he told me he'd been on a couple of dates with someone but if he were that interested he'd get on with it and ask me out, although maybe you could say the same about me but I don't ask men out! He was due to have another date last night but he was regularly on whatsapp, so I'm kinda hoping it didn't happen, he did say he felt that she was trying to fob him off saying the distance between them 'wasn't ideal' but she lives near his office so I don't really see an issue there. Still chatting to Tinderlings and POF, although very little that is interesting seems to crop up there currently. Brisol Accountant has asked again about seeing each other and say's he's currenly put his Tinder account on hold, while I'm up for meeting again to see how we get along I won't be putting anything on hold, there were certainly no fireworks on the first date, I guess you never know though?! Very busy and exciting weekend coming up, the new Bridget Jones is released and I booked tickets ages ago, I'm super excited, my life kind of mirrors the story, just without the happy ending! Saturday brings another show, followed by a birthday party of someone that I have never met (hoping for a good night out!) and Sunday will be spent with my boys, at a race track! The boy went out on Sunday, without one of my hugs and kisses, guess what? Yep, he fell off, everytime it happens, I'm banned from not going to race day forever now!!

Dates, dates..........

So, I was in Bristol at a show on Saturday and when I was there two weeks ago I matched with a guy that I've been chatting to since, we said next time I was in the area we would meet for a drink, I was and we did, after the show, I had no makeup on, hair wasn't done, I was covered in mud from my friends puppy! I text to tell him that I only had about an hour which he said he was fine with, so we met in a nearby pub. He is an accountant in his 30's (I can't remember how old though because I'd had a strop and deleted Tinder yet again!) I think I remember it being early 30's, he's definitely over 6' tall, not bad looking, we had a pleasant hour or so, no fireworks my end mind, he's asked if we could meet again, I'm not sure. I have another date this evening with a 38 year old from the Army, I'm not looking forward to it to be honest, I didn't get much sleep last night so I'm tired and I want to be snuggled up on the sofa if I'm honest but I'm going to suck it up and go meet him for a drink, from his photo's he has a cracking pair of shoulders! Heard from the Tennis Coach every day and he Facetimed me again last night, we'll see if he tries tonight when I'm out! In the words of Bugs Bunny - That's All Folks!!!!

No news is.......................

No news! Have had to sit on my hands a little recently, guess where my sister is going to uni? Yes, the town where he lives, I'd have been delighted by that news a few weeks ago, have to say it made my heart sink a little! So, PH has been back this week, he text me last night asking me to go over, I declined, I'm not sure if he's just trying to get in my knickers or alternatively thinks that I should be the one to make all of the effort but neither of those is going to happen, well unless I get bored that is. If he was as hot as his photos' I might, just might be keener if he was as hot in real life as he is in his photo's (which I think he would be if he were a little taller and a little stockier he would be. He's today contacted me today on a dating site, with just a x men!! I'm not sure I told you about the Welsh Tennis Coach? We've been chatting since May but he lives in Wales, obvious issue there, it's over three hours away, so we've not met, he deleted me from Facebook which I thought was odd but never really thought much of it, until yesterday morning when he FB messaged me with 'Ji, I have a gf now' I think I laughed when I read it, I was kind of expecting it to be a 'don't contact me anymore' (not that I do anyway) I responded saying 'good for you' and pretty much left it there, he asked me to whatsapp him as he didn't have my number, I wasn't sure where this was leading but he asked that we could still be friends, which I had no issue with. This culminated in a facetime conversation last night of over two hours, I'm don't do facetime and I hate phone calls to be honest but it went quickly and he was nice, I did mention that I didn't think the gf would be happy with the content of the conversation and that if within two weeks he was thinking of me is she really the right one for him? It's made me think a few things, men cannot be trusted, we knew that anyway, they are quite frankly arseholes, if in two weeks he's thinking of cheating what hope does that give people like me in seach of happy ever after for the future? He's been messaging me from early this morning, I don't know what to think? Maybe he's just not had any attention from her for a few days? There's been another guy messaging a bit on FB, a friend of the race team, we've met a couple of times but to be fair I thought he was seeing someone but he isn't, we've chatted a bit, he seems a nice guy, a lot on though as he has cancer (that makes no difference to me) but again he lives quite a distance away (always the way!) He doesn't come racing much these days either (I assume because of the cancer?) I remember meeting him a few times and thinking he was attractive. POF and Tinder are still going crazy, mostly with totally unsuitable people if I'm honest!) I'm still so wary, the thought of letting someone in fills me with dread after last time. I had a couple of photos pop up on Facebooks 'on this day' this week, me and w@nk bag, I can honestly say they made me feel a little sick, I look so terribly unhappy, even though it was at a point when I thought we were quite happy and we were on holiday so I imagine it was one of the times we were happier, it's amazing to think what someone so manipulative can do and that you don't even realise it's happening.

Two weeks on...............

from that Saturday and I've stayed strong, no contact since the Monday evening, even if I have had to stop myself and sit on my hands several times, every day I've seen or done something I want to tell him about but I can't, because we aren't there anymore, it still makes me sad for what could have been but I need to remember that person I spent the time with and spent months talking to isn't him, it's someone else, someone that I don't know.

Yesterday I got to 11:33 without him entering my head once, I was quite proud of myself for it, today's not gone so well but I know it will continue to improve as time goes by. So, two weeks ago I had a third date with Prince Harry, unplanned but he'd kept asking and I thought 'fuck it' so it happened, I warned him before I went that he would not be getting into my pants, he didn't, much trying though, but we had a bit of a fool around, I still don't think my heads in it (well it's not lets be honest!) everyone says I need to give it more time and see if it develops, I don't think it will but I guess you never know?

He's been away and is for another week but keeps in touch a few times a week by message, it doesn't bother me if I hear from him or not (which I don't think is a good sign) whereas the other one I never stopped looking at my phone or waiting (yeah maybe I still do a bit) It's hard to take that you can be part of someones life and then you aren't, just suddenly you don't even cross their mind, how does this work? Still POF'ing and Tindering, to no avail, no one I want to meet yet, I'm not sure Prince Charming hangs around there but he'd get arrested for hanging around in Forests in this day and age surely?

Saturday..................

Saturday came and I got up extra early so I could straighten my hair!! I'd decided what I was wearing and packed on Friday night to try and reduce the stress. I went for denim shorts and a t-shirt to wear to the show so I wouldn't be hot and bothered all day, packed my make up bag etc for later. Just arriving in Chester made me feel phsically sick and I wondered if I was doing the right thing, I knew I had to go. I arrived at the show and as I walked in my judge for the day said 'don't you look lovely and chic today' I felt like I was onto a winner! We had a lovely day but I have to admit to being somewhat distracted, my head was completely off, I kept thinking about what I wanted to say and know but my mind was completely blank. We finished up and I went to get changed, I had chosen a black dress, just above the knee that fitted really well and showed off just enough cleavage, I only really do minimal makeup at the best of times, so a bit of powder, bronzer, mascara and lipstick and I was ready, if a bag of nerves, he told me he was at the pub and I made my way to meet him, I was literally a bag of nerves and still not sure what to expect or what I wanted to say. I pulled up and spotted his car, then gathered myself up and made my way into the garden, where he was sitting with drinks for us both. I didn't feel the pull that I had last time we met but I think things were different then, I sat down and we started talking, even writing this now I don't know what I expected, I think I wanted to hate him, sadly I didn't. He is insistant that they aren't together, do I believe it? I'm really not sure if I'm honest. I had in my head we'd talk for about half hour and I'd go, I left three hours later, I had this overwhelming urge to touch him but to be honest that's what got us here I guess, I kept it in check, we even laughed at some points. I got a brilliant joke in, I told him that next time he picks someone to mess about with he should go for someone not very clever, joking that he picked a girl that had either an NVQ in Childcare or Beauty Therapy, the look on his face said it all, so I asked 'which one is she' childcare was the answer, I laughed a lot at this, none of this is by any means her fault but even if just for a minute or two it made me feel better. He said how bad he felt, he never meant to hurt me, he'd just wanted someone to talk to and had never thought it would go as far as it did or he's meet someone he had so much in common with. I called him the C word a few times, plus a few other choice words. He walked me back to the car, he wanted to give me a hug but I was frozen in his arms, I didn't want to walk away, it was the last thing in the world I wanted, even after everything, I excused myself as I felt the tears coming, said goodbye and got in the car, as soon as I shut the door the tears flowed, which I was ok with, until a minute later he knocked on the window. He'd said earlier that he had some cider for me to try (I like cider) he was at the window with it, I didn't make eye contact, said a muffled thank you and made my move, the tears came down like a flood, I sobbed the whole three hours home, I must have got caught in every bit of diversion and road works the whole way and I was a mess, more upset than even I had imagined, I had wanted to feel nothing but I didn't. I got home to a message from him, asking if I'd got home ok, I replied that I had. That was it, until the next day, when browsing on Facebook and I noticed her profile missing, I'd been blocked, I thought it must have been him, to be fair a silly move in the mood I'm in, he doesn't want to push me, I sent him a mesage, 'oh dear, oh dear' he said it wasn't him and that he'd got a strange message from her in the week about his messages going to other places, he thought she'd seen some on his Ipad, I thought about it for a bit, as far as I was aware you couldn't get Whatsapp on Ipad (I'd tried in the past) but it turns out you can now, I'm not sure I can believe she blocked me, if it was me in her position, I'd not be blocking me, I'd be finding out what was going on. He said he was going to talk to her to see what she meant about the messages, I said I looked forward to hearing his explanation and then went to bed. He'd sent me a message asking if I was in tears in the car, I'd ignored it, I didn't really want to talk about it. On Monday morning I was sitting at my desk as my phone rang, it was him, he said it was easier to ring than message, he said he thinks she'd seen the messages about us meeting up on Saturday but he deletes his messages so she'd not have seen much more, I quipped that in his position I guess you would delete things. He said he appreciated I needed an explanation but that he didn't want to ask anymore questions as he wanted to keep things amicable between them and get money etc sorted out, I said that if I were her I'd be planning his hanging right now or that I'd have been in that pub garden waiting on Saturday to see what was going on. I explanined that he could block me from what he wants but if I want to tell her the only way he will stop me is to put her on a remote island with no internet or post and no way in or out, he said he had no doubt that if I wanted to do something I would, he's right. He said he needed to ask me something, he asked about the tears again, I said yes, I had been in tears, it's all been very stressful and had I not cared I would have just walked away at the first sign of a girlfriend and yes, I was emotional, I could hear his voice go, as he apologised and said he never meant to hurt me and that I didn't deserve what he had done, we got off the phone before the tears flowed once more. We had a bit of a text conversation yesterday but he sent the last message and I know however much it kills me that I can't reply and have to move on, lets see how that goes eh?! I think I've cried every day since I found out, this morning I cried the whole way to work and then managed to pull myself together just as I arrived, I've been good all day, despite being rather angry and mardy, I wouldn't even want to be around myself at the moment, in fact I'd kill to be as far away from my head as possible, I know I have to walk away but that's a big connection to walk away from, I can do it, I will do it but there is still going to be that little part of me that thinks 'what if' and waits for his name on my phone, to be fair I'm not sure that moment will ever come. I know it's all bad, why would I even want to be with someone like that? I don't! I know I'd never trust him and I know that we can't live like that but it doesn't stop me wanting to feel that level of chemistry again and have a man in my life that is able to get into my head. I always thought I liked holding all the cards, thats how my relationships normally go but actually to lose all control felt amazing, although when you do lose all control you know where it leads? Here, right here to this girl who is an emotional wreck, can't concentrate on what she is doing and can do nothing but think of a man that doesn't want her, what a shitty little life for a 38 year old. On the other hand I have no end of offers of dates but to be honest my head isn't in the right place, so I think I should really avoid it currently. I saw Prince Harry last week, I'll catch you up on that later.

The weekend is coming..................

And unusually for a weekend I'm feeling far more aprehensive about it than I am looking forward to it, my stomach is already in knots and I have three whole days to get through before I see him. I'm hoping that when I look at him I don't feel anything other than 'you lying wanker' I'm hoping I don't feel what I have when we have met, or when we have talked, we will see I guess.

I still need to find something to wear and it looks like it's now going to be cold, which isn't going to help me! So this week has been one of mixed emotions, I guess I shouldn't have expected any more really, I hope Saturday draws a line under it all but will it?

 So, I got message from Prince Harry again this week, he'd messaged me last week saying he was back for a night and did I want to go over, I said no, I was in a state emotionally anyway so the timing would have been bad, Monday I got another one, saying he was back for the day, I said no again, Tuesday I got another one, and all that popped into my head was 'fuck it, why not' so I went over.

Just as I was about to leave I checked my facebook, only to have a suggested friend of, guess who?

So, he'd unblocked me, I guess to look at my friends list, which isn't visible, I worried about what he could see, so logged out and looked, I saw that all he could see was a couple of my profile photos and cover photos, so I was ok with that. Couldn't quite work it out though and he wormed his way back into my thoughts with the 'what's he playing at' checked hers, still 'in a relationship with' weird, just weird.

So saw Prince Harry, he's much nicer in person than he is by message, I'm not sure that he realises how he comes across in his messages, it was a nice evening, he spent it telling me how sexy I am, that that I'm amazing and my touch renders him useless, all nice things to hear but it makes you wonder how someone else can't see it doesn't it? Apparently he's very impressed with what I can do with my tongue, my clothes remained on at all times, I wasn't about to make a stupid mistake because my head wasn't in the right place, it was a welcome distraction to be honest, although HE was still in the back of my mind all of the time I was there.

I am TOTALLY confused.

Thinking about thinking.....................

I had a great day out at racing with my boys at the weekend, the sun shone, race fuel smelt amazing and I was around people that should genuinely be prescribed on the NHS for depression. I still thought of him but definitely less than I have done, mainly because we were having a nice time I think. I made some decisions on Friday, that I was going to message him today giving him two options, option a was that he meets me on Saturday when I am in Chester to discuss things, option b was that I send his non girlfriend, girlfriend copies of his Tinder profile and every message that he ever sent me. including the one of his lying on her bed with his hand down his pants telling me he was 'ready and waiting' so this morning at 10:30 that's exactly what I did, I also gave him a two hour deadline to respond, which I thought was fair. He read the message straight away and I got a message back within minutes saying that he was off work on Friday and could meet me then if that helped. I responded saying that I was only there for the day Saturday and it needed to be before I left so he said he finished work at 4:30/5 which would fit in with what I'm doing so I said that was fine, I asked that he find somewhere to meet and it wasn't a pub, he asked if I was going to throw a pint over him and I said I don't believe in wasting alcohol but that I wanted to be able to talk to him without anyone over hearing or having to watch what I say (I swear a lot at the best of times) I then suggested that we meet in another forest so that I wouldn't have to drag his body too far, I'm only half joking to be honest, I'd quite like him dead.......... Do I feel better? No, but I hope I will. In an ideal world I'll see him on Saturday and due to the lies and deception I'll feel nothing for him and be able to walk away with my head held high and the answers I need. I'm not really sure what the questions are yet though but I have a few days. I now have a little dilemma for Saturday, I'm going to be stewarding all day so it's an early morning, followed by a long drive, followed by a long day where my head and body will both be worked, I then have to be ready to see him in half an hour and I want to look great, I want to walk away and him to think 'fuck' I screwed that one up! Not really sure how I'm going to pull that one off but I'll try. Now, I've lost a bit of weight recently, just under two stone in 16 weeks but suddenly everyone is noticing and keep telling me how great I look, one of the Directors I work for emailed me last week and told me I was 'looking well yesterday and must have had a good holiday' I was a little embarrassed, responding thank you and that I'd only been to Stoke, his response was that I am a 'fine recommendation for Stoke' I wore a Black Dress to work today and one of the girls I work with (the only one that know's the situation) said that she thinks I look amazing and ought to go in this on Saturday, it's been a week full of compliments which is nice but there is still that nagging feeling at the back of my mind that I'm not good enough (for him) I guess. I've been talking to my old school friend today (that asks me to have his baby) he says that he doesn't appreciate what he's missing and he's nuts, in fact I think a lot of the boys think he is, oh what happens when they lob a chemistry set at you, if only it happened with some of the decent guys I know.

As I sit here.................................

At my desk I wonder if his Dad would be proud of his cowardly actions after what he has done, if I had a child I'd not be proud of them cheating on their girlfriend but I would understand them trying to find love if they were unhappy (if that is the case!) I'd not be proud of them for not facing up to how their actions have hurt people, or to find out that they had spent three months talking to someone about moving to be with them, or had the marriage and babies conversation on date two or to have spent months referring to them as 'the wife' and asking them not to send the divorce papers and not to walk away. I'd not be proud of them for purposely hurting someone when they'd had the chance not too and I'd be even less proud of them for running away from it once they had been found out, instead of being a man and dealing with it. I'm so massively disappointed and I'm disappointed with myself for letting someone do this to me.

Nothing...............

The last message I got from him was Wednesday, I didn't reply but to be fair it wasn't really a question, I've heard nothing since, the silence is deafening, I can honestly say it's driving me bonkers, I've been better the last couple of days but I am still checking my phone all the time waiting for a message (that I can't see coming) I'm going to respond tomorrow, I don't think anyone thought I would get to three days, not even me. I know it will get better, not a days gone by yet where I've not sobbed about it, it seems so unfair, I meet him finally and he's got a girlfriend, the silence seems weird after speaking to him every day for the last three months, I'm very confused, I thought he'd at least try a little harder, i honestly don't know what is wrong with me, I hate to think how many dates I've been on with nothing there, no fireworks, no chemistry, then on a Friday night in a service station car park he's standing in front of me, more chemistry than a meth lab, boom, he got into my head, almost straight away I wanted to see him again, three months of chatting, two amazing dates and then the girlfriend, I honestly still can't believe what has happened. My overwhelming feeling is still of sadness, sadness for what could have been.

I've still not decided................

whether I should walk away with my head held high or tell her, the more (or less even!) that I hear from him the more I think he's lying and the more I think he's lying the more I think she should know.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be devastated to be on the other end of it, I have been and I know it's awful, I found out after we split but I'm sure I'd not have suffered like I did if I'd had known, I'm sure I'd have walked away more easily had I known that W@nk Bag had slept with someone else, when we spilt I asked him to leave (on Valentines Day) because I knew deep down that he didn't love me (I don't think in nearly five years together he loved me and I'm not sure that it's an emotion that he is capable of) I loved him, with my heart and soul and still today it hurts, I think that's the reason that I hate him like I do.

I wish someone had told me, which is why I feel that I should tell someone else. the more I think about it, the more I think that he's probably a serial liar, I looked back through his messages last night, there are probably 20 odd different messages where he refers to me as 'the wife' or 'his wife' talks about me moving up there (there would be the possibility with my job as my boss is moving about half an hour away from him) the future, things we can do togther, he led me a merry dance and since he realised I knew I've heard hardly anything, it's a tough, tough situation.

I've had people at work asking if I'm ill, saying I look sad (if I'm honest sad is the overwhelming feeling in all of this, I've cried on the way to work each day and sobbed my way home too, I'm not much of a sobber if I'm honest but it seems to be the way this time, I let someone in my head and this is where it took me again, life feels a little unfair and I feel selfish for feeling like that when I know that people in the world have it so much worse than me!

The Storm came in.......................

He phoned me on the way back from the garage, his signal kept going though so we didn't get to talk.

He then phoned me back later in the evening, I got two minutes before he had to go as there was someone at the door (yeah I bet there was) so I never got to ask. 

I waited and waited and waited for him to call but he didn't, on Friday morning I sent him a message saying 'I think I've found something of yours, seems you forgot about it'

I knew he'd think it was the divorce papers photo that I send him fairly regularly, he responded with a photo of my cleavage, I was fairly outraged when that came back if I'm honest, for one that isn't his and for two how very dare he!! 

So I responded with a screenshot of her FB page including her in a relationship with him and a comment saying 'I was thinking more of this'

He then responded saying he had would call me after he'd finished this counselling thing that I knew about following his Dad's death, I waited and waited and waited again, I finally got in the shower and got out to a missed call, I called him back and he didn't answer, he finally called me back. 

My heart literally jumped into my mouth

He tried niceties, I said they weren't relevant and it was time to explain himself. 

He told me that before we had met he had told her that he didn't love her or want to be with her anymore, I asked how far he had intended on taking things with me, he said that he had nearly told me on date two but had bottled it and that he was going to tell me when we were supposed to meet that day but it obviously hadn't happened, I don't know if I believe him about that if I'm honest. 

So I asked if she was his lodger, he said yes, that it was his house but she had paid for a lot of things so they needed to sort out money etc, again I don't know if I believe him. 

He apologised but in my honest opinion not enough, he said that although he regretted not telling me he didn't regret the time we'd spent together (that makes one of us!) as it was some of the best time he's spent in ages and the only time he'd not spent being upset over his Dad. 

My head has literally been spinning ever since, I meet someone that I can finally see a future with and it ends like this, he has a girlfriend!

I don't know that I shouldn't tell her to be honest, he's told me since that the spent the weekend trying to sort out finances etc but I just don't believe him anymore, he's been quiet since he's been found out, I don't think I'd be quiet if I was genuinely sorry, or if I'd met someone that I thought was a bit special, maybe that's the problem. 

He has told me that the chemistry wasn't one sided and he'd felt it too, the thing is now I guess that he could say anything, it doesn't matter to him anymore. 

While he was on the phone I told him that anytime I think I'm going to make a twattish decision I ask myself if it would have made my Granddad proud of me (I literally loved him with all my heart and he died when I was just 8, some 30 years ago! I think of him more than ever when I'm hurting and boy am I hurting!) He went silent when I said it, I don't think he knew what to say he told me that he had never thought of it like that, that no his Dad wouldn't have been proud of him for what he's done, he said that in actual fact his Dad would have kicked his arse for it, I told him that my Gramp would have kicked his arse for it too. (I was his little Princess, I think that's why I carry on my search for Mr Perfect, because in actual fact no one will ever match up to that image I have of the only real man I've ever had in my life) 

He's mentioned that a few times since, he's said he just can't get it out of his head, I guess that's good. 

When we spoke by text yesterday he said that he was sorry for getting me involved in all this and that our chat had really helped with his thinking, I told him that our little chat had actually taken up three months of my fucking life, he said that he didn't realise it had been that long and his head is muddled, it seems to be all about him, however he is the one that set out to deceive, lie and hurt me, I didn't know about any of it, I would have never even bothered to meet him if I had. 

I do wonder if he is only answering me so I don't tell her what he's been doing, do I want to tell her? I don't know is the honest answer, part of me does, partly to hurt her, partly to try and make me feel better and partly because if I was in her situation I would want to know if I was in her situation. 

I think what he has done is so much worse than going out and shagging someone, that isn't premeditated and doesn't mean an emotional connection or deceiving someone for months at a time. 

I'm angry with myself, I can't work out if I've missed the signs, I can't work out if maybe there weren't any signs, I don't believe he's staying at his Mum's as he says and not living with her, she put a post up on Sunday on Instagram but it was more of a 'you've annoyed me' than 'I'm splitting up with my boyfriend' 

I spoke to a friend over the weekend, she just went 'you've fallen haven't you' I couldn't say yes, I can't bring myself to but that chemistry doesn't happen often for me. 

Baggage Boy has also been calling every day, he say's he's worried about me as I'm never one to get bothered over a guy, I think this will make me even worse than normal, do I actually ask if they have a girlfriend now?

Is that how life needs to work?

The tears in the eeeeeekkkkkkkkk...................

I went on date 2 last week with the Service Station Guy, it was AMAZING, seriously best date ever, we went to a forest where you can walk with the monkeys, hottest day of the year, he was great, we got on from the word go again, he kept telling me how great I looked (I just had shorts, top, no makeup as it was far too hot and hair scraped back into a ponytail) he spent the day kissing me, holding my hand, couldn't get close enough.

We walked around the monkeys a few times, then spent a couple of hours sat on the grass talking, he asked why I was on my own, I told him about W@nk Bag and that I struggle with getting the 'spark' with people, I can honestly say that it wasn't missing this time, there was chemistry flying about everywhere. I asked him, he said his two long terms had been with a girl that had cheated on him and another that was a bit mad.

We then went over to an amazing garden, had a walk around the lake, things really did get a bit heated and if it hadn't been quite so public I'd hate to think what might have happened. I can't remember a time when I've been more hopeful of actually meeting someone with that level of chemistry.

We eventually left and he text me later that evening, I went to bed and woke up happier than I've been for a long time, I decided that for once I ought to give it a go without all the barriers up, I spent the day with friends but couldn't get him out of my head, I couldn't stop smiling.

We'd been chatting and I said that I'd really like to see him again soon, he said that he would too.

I wish this story ended there.........

We've been following each other on Instagram since the start of May when we matched, a new photo popped up, it was one he'd sent me but when I looked at the comments it mentioned a car show, where I'd known he'd been because he told me but he told me he didn't know where it was, however the comment said he'd been going for the last 10 years, you'd think he'd know after 9 years.......

Another comment from a girl that said 'love this place' not loved but love, maybe it's just a friend I thought, ex possibly, or actually maybe it's just an innocent comment........ I had to find out, new Instagram account opened, sent follow request, to be honest I didn't want to find anything, desperately wanted it to be innocent. She accepted the next day, seems she was at LeMans with him in June (when he was messaging me) she was in France with him in May (when he was messaging me) so lots is going through my head at this point, they could still be friends, I'm friends with my ex's (apart from one and I wouldn't pee on him if he were on fire!) one of the hashtags was 'mylove' which seemed pretty conclusive but it was in June and was before we actually met, although still 6 weeks after we'd matched and had been chatting.

I struggled to see anything with them together after mid June, still hopeful.

Then I went to find her on Facebook, it was a difficult task but finally we got there, it said she was 'in a relationship since 2009' seemed fairly conclusive that, but he had told me about the girl that cheated on him, maybe she'd not changed it she'd gone from one to the other? Last photo I found on there of them together was December, again plausible (yeah I was totally fooling myself)

Then I look for him on Facebook, nothing, nada, nowt, not that strange some people don't do Facebook, but I remembered him keep coming up on suggested when he first added me on Whatsapp, maybe he'd deleted his account (I have friends that do this all the time) then a little light bulb moment, you can't have a Tinder account without a Facebook account, they are directly linked.

So, I logged in as someone else, hey presto, there he is, he'd obviously blocked me! Not much to see though, no photo's with her and nothing displayed for a relationship status (I also display nothing, if I put single I'm inundated with guys I know messaging me and I've not been in a significant enough relationship to change that, when me and WB split I changed it not to show, because I didn't want my friends list to publicly see my heart breaking in front of them)

Thing is when I then checked hers her relationship status changed slightly, it said in a relationship with him since 2009, obviously I couldn't see it while I was blocked, seemed like proof positive.

So on Wednesday I had woken up unable to keep the smile off my face by Friday I was struggling to keep back the tears, I couldn't decide what to do, I nearly text him, then stopped myself, then I thought I'd phone him and stopped myself, thought about sending her the screen shots of my Tinder with his profile and some of the messages he's sent me, some are filthy, some very intimate, some telling me how much he likes me, enjoyed kissing me, didn't want to stop, some naked one's of him (thank god I never returned them!)

I sent him a message asking how long he'd been single, he never responded but responded the next day asking how my day was, I'd still not decided so responded as 'normally' as I could, then we had a conversation where I got mad at myself, it was almost like I'd forgotten he had a girlfriend and let the feelings get to me once again, he suggested that we meet up on Friday as he was going to be off work still, I said yes I'd take the day off. That kind of made my mind up, meet him and ask him to his face.

I went to see my best friend and told her the whole sorry story, she said that I should give him the chance to explain, she reminded me that when my big split was happening I'd told no one, changed nothing and she said that the GF could be doing the same, I liked to hold a bit of hope.

So we've been chatting normally since, yesterday he told me there was a problem with the car, I took that straight away that he was going to cancel on me and making excuses (he's not posted that the car is sick on social media so I assume that is also a lie)

Today he has cancelled, apologising, asking me not to send him the divorce papers (a long standing joke, he calls me his wife) I spoke to the best friend, gutted I wasn't able to see his face when I asked him, decided on a call, I called and he didn't answer, sent me a message saying he'd call me when he 'gets out of here' (the garage) and so far nothing, I'm loathe to give him anymore time but now I sit here getting angrier by the minute it's just not helping the case.

I have to admit to feeling a little devastated, for the first time in ages I've met someone that I could get excited about getting to know. :-(

Service Station Dating...............

So, we met on Friday at the services, the ice was broken because he was South bound and I was North, he blamed my hair colour!

The minute we saw each other he wrapped me in his arms like we'd known each other for ever, weirdly I was completely fine with that.

It was nice, he was very sweet, nice to spend time with, He touched my hand on the table, picked it up and kissed it and I'm sure that there was a little electricity.

I was about to drive off and he bounded out of the car, opened my door and grabbed me to kiss me again, saying he couldn't let me go without kissing me again, he said he would like us to see each other again but I'll be out with friends when he is coming back so I'm not sure when/if we'll manage a date two but I certainly had a nice start to the weekend.

Prince Harry has been in touch this weekend, he annoys me sometimes, over the weekend I've got varying messages from just an x to how are you, right through to, well we won't go there! I don't know how long he's away for but he said a few weeks when we spoke last week, he has posted some photos and yes he does look bloody hot in them!

That's about all of my news currently!

A quick run down...............

So, works improved, I got a payrise (yippee!!)

The love life hasn't changed really, the Engineer was keen to get me out for dinner last time he was in the UK, but I had newborns who needed me so didn't go (maybe it was also a little bit of an excuse!) he's messaged a few times and is now back in China (probably due back here again soon) I can't imagine that I'll be seeing him again if I'm honest though, I think it's terribly hard to sustain something so new when he's away for a month at a time, although I'm not sure that if the attraction was enough it would work itself out and I'd be more keen, I am a literal dating nightmare I think, I was perfect and anything less just isn't enough.

I've been out on another couple of dates, this time with Prince Harry (seriously there is an uncanny resemblance!) He's a bit shorter than I'd like, he say's he's 5'11 but I think more 5'9, he is cute but I'd say he's probably a little better in photo's than real life. He's a bit keen on getting into my knickers but I think he's realised that's not going to be a quick option.

He is the same age as me, in the army (20 years) born in Ireland but Welsh and sounds Welsh (well he does to me anyway) we've seen each other twice, he has talked about going out again but he's now off to work in Belfast for the next few weeks so that kind of puts a hold on that one, do I want to wait? I don't know if I'm honest, he's actually quite nice to spend a bit of time with, when he's not being so full on with the messages, but then last weekend I didn't hear from him until Monday morning, so I'm really not sure if I'm honest, after the first date I wasn't too bothered about a second one but was swung a little by his new FB photos (shallow? maybe, so shoot me!) Second date still not sure, nearly didn't go but had quite a nice time, so we'll see.

I'm seeing another guy tonight, we've been chatting for a while, he' s another huge motorsport fan, lives miles away, but is heading out to France so will be passing, we're going to meet this evening, he sounds lovely on message but we'll see! We are going to call him Monkey Boy, he didn't have this name when I wrote this but I'm updating a year later, I can't call him what his name is on my phone, as it's far too rude!

I'll try to improve my updating frequency!

Catching Up..... it's been a while............

I’ve said it before, life really does get in the way, the guy I’d been seeing before Christmas re-materialised and contacted me on the dating site again (I was out and photo’s didn’t show up so I’d responded before realising who it was) we chatted for a bit, he asked if I fancied doing something and I have to admit I wasn't sure, conversation continued on and off for a little while but we’ve still not seen each other.

The Space Cadets friend is still on the scene, a night in a hotel just might happen yet but I’m still not sure (I'm such a ditherer with these things!) we talk probably weekly or so, he’s nice because the talk never gets to the ‘wrong’ stage like a lot of guys these days take it to, he knows when to stop which I like, I've seen Space Cadet a couple of times since and his name always comes up, but I’m sure he doesn't know that the friend and I still chat.

I'm not sure I've mentioned SC’s brother? We met a few years ago at a race and have kept in touch since, he flirts terribly with me (he has a GF) sends me snapchats (yes, that kind!) and we catch up occasionally for dinner, movies, kitten cuddles etc but it has been a while since I've seen him, he suggested coming over a couple of weeks ago and came over last week, in a vest type top with his very lovely shoulders out and smelling amazing, he was definitely trying to impress but he’s not got so much flirtation in person, we had a really nice evening, turns out our cars also match!!

The dating sites are much like hard work, the only other dates I’ve been on this year are with a trainee Prison Officer who was really  nice but we had nothing in common with and a guy that works in my building, we met online, discovered we both worked in the same place, he left me flowers at the door, we went for a drink but he obviously thought that a bunch of supermarket flowers was going to be the path into my knickers, how wrong he was, we never saw each other again and I’m always hopeful that I don’t bump into him as I come and go at work.

Baggage Boy, what can I say? Another very lucky escape there, he is madly in love with yet another woman (in the time since we stopped seeing each other he has literally had more women than I have clean pants and I have a lot!) he introduces them all to his poor little confused boy, which makes me mad, kids don’t need to grow up thinking women are disposable or that Daddy introduces him to every woman that walks but there is nothing I can do about it, no wonder his Mum is so stroppy!

Oh I have been on two other dates (terrible to forget really) he is an engineer and works a month in the UK and a month in China, we met twice when he was in the UK last, we have a lot in common and he races cars which obviously had my interest but I just don’t find him particularly attractive and that is a problem he is due back from China tomorrow and I’m not sure I want to go to date three but we do have kittens due so I won’t be going anywhere for a bit now, he’s been in touch every few days while he’s been away but I don’t think that is enough to sustain things at the stage we are at currently, I kind of like the thought of someone not being here all the time but he did try to high five me on a date and that felt kind of weird if I’m honest.

So, I’ve been having a crappy time at work, a big restructure has been going on and it’s not nice not knowing whether you have a job or not, the last few weeks have been particularly taxing, so much so that the Friday night I was so fed up that I went out and got wasted beyond all sense, only for the second time this year to be honest but it just happened to be on a night that 22 was out, yep you guessed it, a repeat performance, what I didn’t realise until about a week later was that it was May Day weekend, so I repeated the same mistake, on a the same weekend a year later, just brilliant, I excelled myself, now why wasn’t the mistake made with SC’s friend? That would have been at least a half sensible decision, however I have decided to look at the positive of ‘sometimes you need to get under it to get over it’ and I am certainly over that one!

I seem to have this thing about May Day, every year if I’m going to get into trouble that is when it happens, I turn into a total monster and can’t control myself, hey ho, it’s done now, I’ll try to remember not to go out next year!

The friend that would like me to have his baby is still around, he still mentions it probably weekly, I’m still not saying yes!

Dodo Hunter still pops up from time to time, tells me how much he likes me, wants to see me, disappears! I think it will always be like that. 

Something has thrown me a little bit though w@nk bag is due to have a baby, part of me is devastated as I was ready to settle down, have babies and he said he never wanted to, I know time changes things but I still can’t help to feel done over, in another way I feel like once it’s happened it is the final stab to the heart, there is nothing else that he can do to hurt me after this and I’m glad about that but it’s overdue and I just want it to be over, I was his nephew to announce it so that I can have 24 hours to lick my wounds and then get on with life, I have to admit though that I do hope it is ugly, I don’t mean a little bit, I mean hit every branch of the ugly tree and got both of it’s parents genes, I know you’ll think I’m mean but I guess that’s just the way it is, maybe I am but I’ll live with that, I know you should forgive but I’m not sure I can.

Men are strange creatures...........................

The last time I wrote I was about to go on date 10, I did, we went to the cinema, it was nice, film was hilarious, he was as normal all over me from the minute we met, kissing me in the cinema, holding my hand, touching my leg, normal service.

Last week he went a bit quiet, I immediately assumed he had met someone else, we continued talking but it was different, although he mentioned a film that we should go and see.

I left an unanswered text for a couple of days and then responded on Sunday, he responded quickly as normal, he asked if I would like to go out the following Sunday, I said that I thought that if we were going to continue I thought that we would need to make some time for each other.

He responded saying that he'd got a lot going on etc, he wasn't ready for serious but he liked me and we had a good time together.

I responded saying I was fine with the not serious bit but that I wasn't willing to be messed about, I said that it was fine if he had met someone else but that wasn't part of the deal for me, he answered asking if we could still be mates, to which I responded that I didn't think it was a great idea and that he'd not answered my question.

Following a bit of pushing he admitted that he had gone for a drink with someone earlier in the week, I told him that I was disappointed with the fact that I thought he knew me better and would have been honest with me, a few more messages and the conversation was over.

I was quite upset after, not so much because it was over, as it wasn't something that I thought was going to last forever but I think that because he seemed a good person I had hoped that he would restore my faith in men a little bit and I have to say that I really needed that to happen.

I am ashamed to say that I spent most of the evening in real, horrible tears, the sort that come when you are annoyed with yourself, I'm annoyed that I didn't get to call it first, that I pushed him into it but I'm one of those people that needs things finalised and needs to put them to bed.

Monday morning was spent in the same vein, sobby, upset, I feel like I've failed again I think and you get used to having someone that messages you every day and takes an interest in you.

I have really tried to be more open to things, to give them a go even when I'm not completely sure, if I didn't I'd have probably not got past date two this time but I persevered, does that mean that I'm trying harder or that I'm coming more round to the idea of 'settling' that worried me but to be honest I don't think that I am.

Sunday night the guy from before xmas popped up, he does quite regularly, he was talking outfits again and I was in that mood so I ordered one!! It arrived yesterday, I'm not sure it will ever be worn, it highlighted that I need a diet and that those kind of outfits aren't made for boobs.

Monday I was chatting to Space Cadet and we decided to go for dinner, it was a good option, he cheered me up no end with his dodgy dating stories, he is still completely lovely, he is the sort of person that cheers you up just from being around him, he lifted my spirits and made me think that it's not me that's messed up this time.

When we were out he was talking about the friend that I'd met before Christmas, he thankfully has no idea that we talk but he was talking about him in general, I spoke to him by text that night, he was rather excited about the outfit prospect.

Tuesday I went out for dinner with another friend, from years ago, was nice to catch up.

Work has been crap this week, it's not boosting my spirits, thankfully though it's kept my mind off of thinking about things, probably just what I need.

To be fair after the whole six years ago thing I'm pretty sure that there isn't much that I can't get over much more easily than that, I would really like a break when it comes to men though, why can't I just meet someone that is genuine? Or are there none?

Talking of genuine I spoke to Baggage Boy yesterday, he is seeing a woman from Germany who has just left her husband with an 18 month old, he continues to be around and I continue to be grateful that it never went any further, I love him to bits as a friend but he is a complete douche bag!!

It came to mind the other day that parents who have son's in their 20's and 30's have done a pretty awful job of bringing them up and turning them into honest, trustworthy, gentlemen, where did they all go?

Oh Space Cadets brother continues to send me nude pics!!

Life gets in the way................

Seems ages since I posted, it is ages since I posted.

The last post was about the boy that after date three decided that he wasn't ready for serious, despite him being the one that was driving things.

Well it's now January and we have continued to see each other, which seems surprising I guess, however when I responded to the text I pointed out that serious hadn't entered my head and as far as I was aware we were both at the early stages of getting to know each other, why do men always think that we are the one's that want to do the serious thing? While I don't want to get into something that I know is going nowhere, neither do I want to get serious with someone I'm not nuts about.

He said he liked me and enjoyed spending time with me, so we carried on with the cinema date as planned, he was normal, we went to the cinema and even through the film he had to keep touching and kissing me, not what I would say was the behaviour of someone that didn't want it to continue.

Have I been a fool? Maybe. We have now done 9 dates (it would have been more if it wasn't for me putting a bit of a halt on it)

We've done dinner, he's stayed over, more cinema etc and are going out again tonight.

I found out some interesting facts, like he's allergic to cats (we didn't know this until he had stayed over) he wasn't at all phased by it and went to the Dr to get medication which seems to have solved the problem. He is definitely more keen than I am, I don't know if that's because of the 'I'm not ready for serious' text or just because I'm not feeling it or he's not for me.

I'm rubbish with Christmas etc, it tends to give me a huge case of the blues and depression, this year has been no different for me, I've hardly seem anyone over the break so he's been put off too (although we didn't have anything arranged) I told him before Christmas that I wasn't doing presents for anyone as the car had gone wrong, which solved any issues there.

We've still spoken by text everyday, he still makes the first contact 99/100 times.

Things got a bit more complicated the Saturday before Christmas, the Space Cadet had arranged for us to go to the cinema to see a film that was on a limited release, there were five of us going, SC and I went for lunch and a catch up before picking up one of the others that was coming with us, we were then meeting the other two in Leicester.

I walked into the cafe and wished I'd made a bit of effort with the hair, make up and what I was wearing! One of SC's friends was quite nice!! We had a general chat before the film about what we did, where we lived, he also mentioned the GF had moved out  in general conversation with the others and then went our separate ways after, SC suggested I add the boys on FB as they are into cars and we'd been talking about a project that I wanted to look at, so I did.

A few hours later I got a message saying it was nice to meet me and he'd enjoyed the film, I should get SC to organise more things, I said that it would take a braver and more stupid woman than me to put up with SC, he then clocked my profile picture where I am dressed as a vampire and the outfit conversation started and continued for several days, until New Years Day actually, he's been a bit quieter since we went back to work, he thinks it would be a good idea if I were dressed in a PVC nurses outfit and he were to turn up at the door, I have honestly thought about this idea, in fact I'm still thinking on it, if I'm not ready for serious maybe it's the way forward? Although I'm not sure I could do that with a stranger, I've not even done it with someone I know, although maybe that makes it easier?

Evil Twin is back in the dog house but that seems to happen quite a lot, so I guess we shouldn't be surprised there, she's been as supportive as usual. I ran into 22 on Christmas Eve while out for a drink, as usual he came to talk to me, one the way home he was walking up (he lives round the corner now, really?!) with his best mate, he was asking what happened with his mate, I said nothing, he said his mate had said it was a lot more than that, he asked why him and not the mate, he asked if he could come back for tea, I said no, we text a bit that night, he asked if he could come round, I said no, don't get me wrong, it's not that I wasn't tempted I was but I don't want to be done over twice by the same person, we've continued to talk, including today.

I text ET saying I'd seen him and how alone I felt, she pretty much didn't bother with me over Christmas and New Year and didn't turn up when she was supposed to, sometimes I think friends just aren't worth the hassle they cause, it's not like it's the first time!

I had a friend point out a few days ago that I've never got over w@nk bag and to be fair it's probably true but how do you get over the only person that you have ever loved? I knew it wasn't sustainable, I knew we couldn't stay together and I knew we wouldn't get through life together, that doesn't mean I woke up one day not loving him any more, in all honesty I wish that had happened but it didn't, don't get me wrong if he turned up at my door tomorrow telling me he'd won the lottery and begging me to take him back I still wouldn't but that doesn't mean that somewhere in my heart I wonder if he was the only person I will ever be truly in love with.

Life is a funny old game, I don't know what else to say about it really!!