Who is to blame for cheating?

Although not proud of it I have been on both sides of cheating, I have cheated on my partner and I have been the other woman, but who’s job is it to look after their partners interests?

I’ve seen some big debates in the last week or so about whether the ‘other woman’ is to blame or plays a big part in it, or if you should only blame the person in the relationship, I have to say that I have very mixed feelings on this, if I’m with someone it is undoubtedly my job to ensure that I am faithful to my partner but do other women make cheating too easy and the other thing is, do they always know? So, here is my history with this;

On my 17^th birthday we were all out the day before I was due to go on holiday, I walked into a room in a nightclub to find the boyfriend I was going on holiday with snogging a girl I went to college with, did she know he was my boyfriend? Yes, he was out with us! We did go on holiday together, however I binned it while we were out there, he was my first boyfriend, it didn’t get me off to a great start.

When I was young (19) I met this guy on May Day Morning (A massive Oxford tradition) he was a couple of years older than me, however for one I didn’t think to look for a wedding ring (we were young and I didn’t know anyone that was married at that point) however he wasn’t wearing one, we were seeing each other for a few weeks before one of his mates dropped him in it, he had a wife and a daughter that he had failed to mention, I became the other woman without knowing it, it was years later that he admitted to taking his ring off on nights out, as people didn’t talk to him when he wore it.  

There was the Car Salesman at 21, we were seeing each other for about a year, fairly casually when I found out he’d shagged one of my best mates, I was pretty angry at them both, probably more so her as I was more upset about losing her and had expected better of her, there is no question as to whether she knew about me!

When my five year relationship was failing badly I turned to someone else, I’m not proud of that and I don’t think that what I did was ok, if I could go back and change one thing it would be to have ended it earlier.

We hadn’t slept together for at least 9 months by the time I cheated on him (still no excuse) I should have tried to solve the problem, but I, WE didn’t, instead we grew further apart and started to live our lives separately, within a month of me cheating we ended our relationship, it was only at that point that he asked me if we could do anything to make it work, sadly it was about six months too late.

I cheated on him with W@nk Bag, they couldn’t have been more different if you’d have tried, the man I had at home was gorgeous, 6’2, gym bunny, a little shy, would have done anything for me, tactile, desperate to settle down, W@nk Bag on the other hand was 5’10 a bit chubby, a smoker, emotionally retarded, how did it happen? I don’t really know. His sister used to say that we were like magnets, we just gravitated towards each other.

When we met on a Friday night in a club, he was my (then) best (girl) friends brother, even she told me to keep away from him as he was ‘an emotionless cunt’ he had a girlfriend and I had a long term boyfriend, who I had a life and a house with. His girlfriend was flying over from South Africa that very next morning to spent a month with him, we kissed that night, we both knew each others situation, he told me then he would phone the girlfriend and tell her not to get on the plane, I said that was a very bad idea and that he should continue as normal and maybe see how we both felt after, I had a lot to lose and I wouldn’t have wanted him to always look back thinking that she might be ‘the one’ should it go any further, so that’s what we did.

We had a month when we just bumped into each other and said hi on a couple of nights out, I spent a lot of time that month thinking about what I was going to do, I didn’t think I could afford to live on my own, although I wasn’t in love with my boyfriend I did love him and didn’t want to hurt him, I have little to do with my family but his had become my family, I was extremely close to his parents but I knew that it wasn’t going to last, every six months he’d mention marriage and babies and I just wasn’t there.

As soon as the month was over W@nk Bag got in touch to say that it was over, that they had called it a day and he’d put her on the plane, he said he’d spent the month thinking of me, this coincided with the long term, lovely boyfriend asking if I was happy and I told him that I wasn’t and we started the break down of our relationship, telling our friends and family, putting our home on the market, splitting our lives, it was about 8 months that we lived together during that time, separate rooms and separate lives and it was tough, walking away from a good guy isn’t easy but you can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.

When I told W@nk Bag it was over his first words were ‘what about us’ I told him that it was too soon to think about it and I needed some time but it was soon after that we started seeing each other.

Our relationship was tough from early on, it was nearly five years down the line and after we broke up that I realised he was an emotional bully, however it was only three months in that I realised I was in love with him, I remember the very moment I knew and it surprised me, it was the first time I had been in love and so far it is the only time, I’m hopeful that I’ll feel it again at some point, with someone that is right for me.

He broke my heart, after how we met you might think I deserved that and to be fair I kinda do too, he cheated on me, with his now wife and that is I guess where we get a different perspective.

His wife did know about me when she slept with him, they went to school together years before, she had gone out with his best mate just weeks before until he’d dumped her for ‘being a psycho’ which still makes me laugh now.

Could we say that she didn’t know about me? They were Facebook friends, his status clearly said ‘W@nk Bag is in a relationship with Frog Princess’ we had been on holiday just a month before she slept with him and she had commented on our holiday photos’ (however not the ones of us together!) he lived at mine.

Way before I knew anything she was the kind of girl that had made the hair on the back of my neck stand up on mention of her name, when he mentioned her being out it made me feel uncomfortable, maybe just because she was new to the group, I don’t know? It wasn’t because she was beautiful, I can’t say that she’s the sort of girl that I’d look at as competition, she wasn’t pretty and for a man that used to tell me I was fat she was undoubtedly significantly bigger than me, in fact I remained pretty horrified that he cheated on me with ‘that’ I think I would have found a younger, prettier, skinny model much more easy to deal with, I also know a friend of her who said that she had zero personality and was desperate to find a man, however we can’t really look at it like that, I traded down too, every one told me that.

She probably doesn’t know a lot of things, like the fact that the night they slept together we had argued, he had stormed out angry at me, to be honest I probably pushed him straight into her arms, she won’t know that although he’d showered before he got into bed that morning (he always did being a smoker) that as he put his arms around me I told him he smelt different (my sense of smell is amazing) he’d shrugged it off, told me I was being silly and I probably believed him, the fact that he’d got into bed and cuddled me should have given away that something was wrong, I’m guessing it was guilt and maybe a bit of remorse.

I didn’t know any of that at that point, it was only after we’d split that the penny dropped and I pieced it all together.

We ticked by for a couple more weeks, it was Valentines weekend and on the Sunday before Valentines Day he cooked my favourite meal, a meal that takes a fair bit of effort to make, we had a nice evening, I guess I hoped it was a turning point, however the next day nothing showed any signs of changing, it felt wrong, I was sat in my office which was an hour and half away from home (on a good run) at 8 in the evening because I didn’t want to go home, I didn’t want to go home to my own home, the home I bought and was paying the mortgage on, the home he paid £200 per month to live in, who was the idiot here?

That is the very moment, on what is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year that I made the decision that I was going to call it a day, I got in the car and rehearsed the words for the whole hour and a half journey in the car, I walked through the front door, opened the living room door to find him, as usual on the sofa in front of the TV, the words I rehearsed came out of my mouth like a bullet from a gun, they weren’t the actual one’s I’d rehearsed, they were reduced down to ‘You need to leave’ we then had a bit of a discussion where he told me that he did want to be with me, he’d try harder, although he didn’t know what love was I was the nearest he’d ever been to it, I think that maybe hit me more than anything, I loved him, really loved him, with everything I had, he on the other hand thought I was as near as it got and I couldn’t love enough for us both.

In the end we decided that he would stay the night (it was late and it wasn’t fair on his parents to have him turn up like that) and that he’d go home the following day, at that point he went out for a fag, I heard him on the phone, as he came back in, I asked who he’d been talking to and he said his Mum, I said that if he’d already disturbed her that he may as well go straight over, so he did.

He came back the following day to collect some stuff, we had a short conversation where we said that we would have a two week break and then meet to see if it was really what we wanted, I was ok with that, at this point I didn’t know about the girl involved, I did know that I had never felt like I did about anyone else and I guess that I wasn’t sure that I ever would again (and nearly 8 years later I haven’t) I got into a pattern, I went to work every morning and sobbed all the way there, pulled myself together, threw myself into work, sobbed all the way home.

We had arranged to meet up on the Tuesday two weeks later to talk, I was sat at work at 10am on the Monday morning, an hour and a half away from home, surrounded by my team of staff when I saw my phone light up, it was him.

We’d had no contact for two weeks, however I knew from Facebook that he’d been out a lot, I’d seen messages on his wall from her, asking if he was coming to the pub, more comments appearing on photos.

I opened the message, expecting it to be about meeting up the following night to talk, I don’t know what I wanted at that point, I honestly don’t. The message was a coward’s way out, instead of talking they following night he text me, telling me that although I was the nearest he’d got to love and that he thought I was a great person he didn’t think we would work out long term and he couldn’t give me what I wanted (which wasn’t necessarily untrue) I went to the toilet and sobbed for I don’t know how long, well until the MD came to find me.

I hadn’t told anyone in the two week break what was going on not even my best friends, I was in auto pilot mode, work, home, work, home, I didn’t want to tell anyone in case we got back together, I didn’t want my friends to feel even more badly about him, he already wasn’t terribly popular as he was always busy for their dinners, parties, my family stuff, I’d already spent five years explaining he was busy at work, he was playing pool, it was his friends birthday…….

I pretty much had a break down, I couldn’t function, I was having black outs, he came to collect most of his stuff, I sobbed in the living room the whole way through, couldn’t look at him and didn’t move.

Over the next couple of weeks, Facebook threw up more and more things, them having conversations on his wall, her constant comments on everything and then a friend of mine popped in, she said that her friends drank in one of the same pubs as him and before we’d split up that she was ‘all over him’ but that she didn’t want to be the one that told me, I wish she had, the penny dropped on that night when he’d come home at 4am I sent him a message telling him I knew about them, he tried telling me it was only going on a couple of weeks, she meant nothing to him and it was just a shag, he’s now married to her…….. however finding that out was a great turning point for me, the devastation turned to anger and that started my recovery.

So, I guess the question is, should she have worried about me or should she have thought it was his problem to worry about it? It was obviously him that should have been thinking of HIS girlfriend, not the other girl but she definitely knew about me.

Then we have Cunt Face, met on Tinder, three months of texting/app messaging, two amazing dates and then I find out the lodger is actually his girlfriend, maybe I’m naïve, but I didn’t think I needed to ask someone on a dating app if he had a girlfriend (I do now) he was the first person in those 7 years since W@nk bag that I could have started to see a future with, as soon as I knew about her it was over, lies and deceit don’t make a great relationship.

However 18 months on, we’re still friends, we still see each other on occasion (twice so far this year) I snogged him just two weeks ago, however I’m pretty sure he has a (different) girlfriend but he has denied it over and over and over again, so should I worry about a person that he denies the existence of? Or is that for him to worry about? I’m in a different place with him now, we have ridiculous chemistry but I wouldn’t have a relationship with him, because of the past but if he denies a girlfriend should I worry about the girlfriend he denies?

The message I got last weekend from Shoe Guy, I know he has a girlfriend and when he mentioned meeting up I told him that wasn’t an option, I do know about his girlfriend, would he cheat on her? I don’t know but I wouldn’t do anything while I know she is around.

For me, although I cheated by the time I did I had nothing to lose, our relationship was over apart from us saying the words, I hate what I did to a good person and I wouldn’t do it again but for a lot of people I don’t think they cheat because it’s over, they cheat because they can.

So, when cheating is the case, where does the blame lie? Should we just go and get what we want regardless of who is hurt in the crossfire? If someone repeatedly tells me he’s not got a girlfriend should I steer clear in case he is lying and he has?

From my experience I would never get involved with someone that was with someone else, I’m still a firm believer of if they’ll cheat with you they cheat on you but I can’t worry about a girlfriend that I don’t know exists, or one that is constantly denied?

I think really that you can only blame the person in the relationship for cheating, not the person that they cheat with, however we shouldn't make it easy for them and should steer clear if we know that there is a partner involved. 

Would you date someone that still lived with their ex?

So, it was the weekend that Cake Destroyer and I should have been spending together, however he’d sent his cowardly message the week before so that obviously wasn’t happening, leaving me with no plans. He did choose that to be the time to either un-match me or to delete his Tinder account though, which I thought was another little boot in the teeth but hey ho, why would I have expected any better from him after last week?

Had a couple of messages from Cunt Face, nothing major, wasn’t waiting for the phone to go though which is brilliant, left him for days with me sending the last message, go me, the pull seems to be much more now when we are together and not so much when we are apart which is great, no Manchester trips in the next few weeks so not likely to see each other soon.

Dating wise the sites have been busy with matches (cuffing season is well on its way) someone from last year got in touch on POF, I’m not really sure I’m that interested (which is probably why we didn’t meet up last time) he pushes things too much for me, like he’ll ask what I’m doing and then push it. I have put an example below, I made no bones about telling him that as you can see, anyway since we last spoke he’s moved to London and I’m heading there for work on Thursday, so he’s asked me to meet for a drink, what have I got to lose? I’m pretty sure he’s not going to float my boat but you just never know do you?

I’ve been asked on a date from someone else from Tinder, he seems nice enough, has a 17 month old son, has been separated since January, however the sting in the tail here is that currently he still lives with the wife he’s separated from, I’m not really sure how I feel about this revelation if I’m honest, we’ll see I guess if the date happens this weekend.

I woke up yesterday to a message from someone from the past, he made his first blog debut in Jan 2016 after I’d met him in December, so a little recap and he should have a name really, he was blogged about last time as ‘SC’s friend’ I’ll give you a brief on Shoe Guy as he’s now going to be called at some other time, I was quite excited initially as before I replied I looked on his FB profile and his status no longer had ‘in a relationship’ and also when I looked at the girlfriends profile we no longer have mutual friends, however although it took some getting out of him, they are indeed still together. 

Where do they get their timing from?

After two weeks of no conversation at all, when I was hurt and upset as I came out in the interval from the show we were stood in the foyer and a message popped onto my screen ‘Cunt Face’ was the name staring at me.

All the message said was ‘How’s you trouble’ but it made all sorts of feelings bubble, it also made me smile, which by this time was very much needed and maybe a little growl.

Had it arrived a few days earlier I don’t think I’d have replied but a few hours later I did, if anything I was a bit off with him but we chatted a bit via message, it came up that I was meant to be going up that way the next day.

At that point I felt like I ought to go, for one I needed to be kept busy so I didn’t wallow and for two our rider had fallen off the day before, he does it every time I don’t cuddle him before he goes out, so I’d got a bit of a ribbing about not going from the team, including New Mechanic.

I was fairly surprised when I got a message saying ‘If you do come up let me know I’ll come and see you or something x’

I guess I’m fairly used to me saying I’m around and him saying he’s not, I was a bit surprised to say the least.

I woke up at 6 on Sunday morning and decided that I would go, so I made the two and a half hour journey up, New Mechanic came out to meet me with my pass, kiss, hug, as usual.

I had a nice day but despite being surrounded by a lot of people I felt quite lonely, lovey dovey couples seemed to be out in force to rub my nose in it and I continued (and continue) to beat myself up about what I did wrong, how I couldn’t tell he was a shit in gentleman’s clothing etc, I was a little more subdued than normal, I didn’t really realise until my friend text me later to check if I was ok.

I messaged Cunt Face saying ‘I take it you aren’t popping over then?!’ around 4:30 and didn’t expect to hear anything else, he had told me that he was having the car on a rolling road so I was expecting an excuse, when I got ‘Just near home welcome to pop in for a brew if you want’

I JUST GOT INVITED TO HIS HOUSE………………………

I asked how far it was in relation to where I was, he said about half hour, however it was in the wrong direction, now here is the dilemma…………………

If I go to his house we know where it’s likely to end up don’t we? I’m upset, feel like shit about myself, have been beating myself up for days, had I not been out all day and was wearing better underwear I might just have gone but it was probably for the best………….but I wanted to go to his house, I wanted to see if there was any sign of a girlfriend, I’d only been half-heartedly invited before but this time he’d sent his postcode, I could investigate……..

Acting on my better judgement I suggested he come down to where I was and we meet in a pub, I expected a ‘no’ I didn’t get one, instead he asked where I wanted to meet, I let him chose a pub and instead of picking one that I needed to go miles to find he picked one within five minutes of where I was, at that point I was grateful to have my makeup bag and some perfume in the car.

I am pretty sure he has a girlfriend now, following some digging but I can’t prove that, I’ve not asked but every time I’ve seen him he’s volunteered that it’s not the case and he is single, normally this would bother me and it was on my list to possibly bring up that night, dependent on where the conversation took us.  

When I got to the pub he was waiting in the car, I’d already felt the nerves on the way there, didn’t know what I was heading into, however I’d spent the last few days feeling pretty numb and I wanted to feel something, I was pretty sure he’d make that happen, one way or the other.

I wasn’t wrong, we walked towards each other and he immediately wrapped me in his arms and kissed me, on the mouth but not a proper kiss, we probably both held on a little tighter and longer than we should have, he holds me so tight that I can feel the stress coming out of me.

We spent the next three and a half hours laughing and talking, at points during the evening he held my hand, kissed my hand and at one point held onto my wedding finger, which I didn’t get until I was on my way home later. In the good old days before I knew about the girlfriend that he said was his lodger he used to refer to me as his wife, I can’t believe I’d forgotten especially after all the times I’d jokingly sent him a photo of a set of divorce papers as a joke, if only I’d known back then.

He again apologised for his behaviour last year, at this point I nearly brought up the girlfriend, I think I was stopped by the fact that my weekend had been so shit and emotional I just wanted to enjoy what time we had together and would I get the truth anyway? I’m normally a girl that wouldn’t dream of touching someone else’s boyfriend but in this instance, I honestly didn’t feel like I cared, that’s his job, not mine.

He told me lovely things about myself all night long, said I was sexy, how he loved my company, I always make him laugh, always thinks I’m younger than I am, that I’m much more reasonable than anyone he knows, now you are sat reading this thinking ‘she knows from experience he’s full of bullshit’ and you are right, I do but what CD has been telling me for the last two months has been bullshit too, the only difference was that I didn’t know with him and I do with CF.

After two drinks, three and a half hours and a stupid amount of flirting we left, he walked me to my car (which was a bit mad as it was nearly opposite his!) He again wrapped me in his arms and I have to say it felt amazingly good, everything I felt bubbled back to the surface, even thinking about it now has given me goosebumps, he kissed me again and then we said goodbye, as he walked off he slapped my arse (fairly usual) and I turned and looked at him at which point he walked back to me and cuddled me again.

Normally this goes on for a while before we have a proper, old fashioned snog, however this time unlike every other there is no doubt that I kissed him.

It’s different with him, with CD it was quite slow, nice, gentle kissing with CF it’s we literally can’t keep our hands off each other, hot ‘I want you’ kissing, you couldn’t compare it, he pulled my hair a little and in return I put my hand down his back and to be fair I know exactly what that does to him.

He was getting a little out of hand in a public car park so I pushed him back just a little and said goodnight, I think we both left with a smile as he told me to message when I got home.

The attraction between us when we are together is off the scale, in fact probably so much so that I’m not sure it would be sustainable long term, we struggle to let go of each other when we are together, we always have but each time I’ve walked away from him it’s gotten a little easier – that’s got to be good right? I don’t think we’d work out long term, I’d never trust him for one.

I have very little doubt where we would have ended up had I gone to his for tea, maybe that would have been good, maybe bad, I don’t know, I’m not totally unconvinced that at some point in the future it won’t happen though.

I know he’ll go off radar soon and I’m not going to say I’m ok with that but I know it’s coming and I’ll deal with it when it does.

I felt a little power shift this weekend I think, he suggested meeting, he came to me, he was the last to send a message last night.

I sent him this today, it’s probably quite apt for where we are right now………………..

Maybe Cunt Face is my DuctTape? We all know that DuctTape probably won’t be a forever fix but it does have its uses for repairing things in the short term?

Cake Destroyer – Autopsy Edition

So, last update I was debating my feelings for Cake Destroyer but I was trying to allay them with the fact that we appeared to get on really well. I was concerned that I had maybe built him up to be something he wasn’t, I was in fact right about this. 

He was quieter, although the messages were still really long, I can read into anything to make it that they are interested but the last one even I couldn’t read into(attached) however something still felt off. I was battling with how I felt anyway but I had decided that maybe I spend too much time worrying about the aesthetics and that maybe I had more of a chance with someone that maybe wasn’t what I normally go for in looks but that had his moral compass pointing in the same direction as mine and that I got on well with, they do say looks don’t last forever don’t they? 

The last message I had from him appeared quite positive and would indicate he wanted to see each other again?

I got this message on Friday morning and I have to say that I was a bit miffed at this, not that he wouldn’t have time to message me, I’m totally fine with that and with him being busy but that he’d read the message I’d sent 18 hours previously and he’d been online since, my response wasn't meant as snotty, it was a 'I really don't know what's happening here' 

The message remained unread for 24 hours, I kept checking if he’d been online, he hadn’t, felt a bit shitty all day if I’m honest and I probably have RSI from checking my phone, to be honest if you send a message like that you probably know the answer. 

I went to bed early, I was feeling hurt already, I woke up at 7 andhe'd been online in the middle of the night (I assume when he'd got home) my message remained unread, to me it was the kind of message that if you were bothered and you'd have seen it you would have responded immediately, I went back to sleep. 

When I woke up again I could see that he’d read it but again no response, 27 hours after it was sent I saw typing and my heart was in my mouth, the response was both what I was kind of expecting and what I didn’t want it to be. 

 It seemed like a bit of a bullshit response to me if I'm honest. 

I was upset, upset because if he was the person he had spent two months telling me that he was he would have sent the message before I had to push him into it. I spent Saturday pretty upset if I’m honest, upset at myself for letting my guard down, upset at him because I don’t feel what he has said is true, upset because I’ve wasted another two months, upset because my radar is obviously so badly wrong. 

I'd like to say that I didn't respond, however being me, I did, I also called him out on his actions and the fact that from day one we had talked about honesty and that he hadn't been. 

A day of crying ensued, I didn’t leave my bedroom until late afternoon, sat down to lunch, couldn’t eat it. I had plans with a friend that evening, which may in fact be a stroke of luck, if you remember he’d asked for us to meet that evening, that’s when date three should have been but I’d had plans, otherwise he’d have been coming to spend the night at mine and this could be a whole lot messier. 

The friend I was going out with knows the story, I’d only told her recently as she had joined Tinder and I said they weren’t all bad, ha, how far wrong can a girl be?! It took a lot of will to get me out of the front door, I wanted to cancel but we had tickets and I didn’t want to let her down, I told her I’d do my makeup at hers as I had that awful swollen crying for hours face, I cried as I left, on the way and when I got there, she’d got me flowers, which made me cry again! 

We had a nice evening, the show which was a Dirty Dancing Tribute was good, dinner was good, I welled up a couple of times but held it together. 

So, you’re wondering why I feel so hurt after just three dates? I get that I totally do. 

However, when I got in the car that evening I looked at the date and it had been going on for exactly two months, in this time I have seen him through most of RAF basic training, I’ve picked him up when he’s down, I’ve cheered him on when he didn’t think he could do it, I’ve been super patient between dates, I’ve been understanding, mostly I’ve been kind, really kind, I guess I feel that I’ve fulfilled my purpose for him now. 

We’ve exchanged messages each and every day, sometimes lots, sometimes just one, all long and involved, not your normal one liner text messages, at least 10 sentences, often telling me what he liked about me and how much and how he was looking forward to me testing his limits to ensure that he was actually a diamond instead of a twat in tinfoil. 

In the last 6 weeks, we have exchanged 425 messages, plus two weeks of Tinder messaging before that, all of his messages are long and when I say long I've done a work count and they average about 250 words a message, below is an example (it was far too long for screenshotting):

Yeah I've come to learn that over the years, and wished I'd dodged sooner. 

Rest assured that they definitely aren't. Excellent, can't wait to experience this 🤗

They'll be ready and waiting for you, no worries about that.

They grew some tomatoes in their garden so she did home made tomato soup for starter, which was insanely good, then a roast for main and apple pie for dessert.

Really? You do bring the glamour, that's a certainty. That's okay, you know I love cats so I'm happy with them joining in. I'll bring along some suitable movies too.

You wouldn't have to sleep alone though, I'll solve that issue. There isn't much by way of equal distance between us- places like Stratford and Warwick seem to have cinema shortages! Shall I just head your way instead?

Please do, they're yours to enjoy.

So winters for you are normally spent filling the voids left by superbike season? What do you normally do with yourself?

I'm sure they won't be, but you can practise your skills on me nonetheless, I'll happily volunteer for that. Pretty certain I'll feel 100% better once I seen you in that outfit, so I'll soon be wanting to rip it off of you 😉

Ah yeah that's his name! Knew I'd heard it before. How's work going so far today? X

They don't seem to be the messages of someone that is lacking in interest, would you understand how I'd got the wrong idea?

His good points were: his sense of humour, he was funny and chatty and I’m pretty sure I could have left him with a bunch of friends and he would be fine, I liked that we seemed to get on really well, never an awkward silence between us and he seemed genuinely interested in me, he never pushed the boundaries too far, never send dodgy photos and remained respectful,  I liked that he was an animal lover and liked cats in particular, he was totally unfazed by me having them, which a lot are, I liked how gentlemanly he was, probably more so than anyone I’ve dated before. 

His not so good points were: at 5’11 he was taller than me in heels but not massively, I decided I could probably live with that but if we were going for perfect it wasn’t, I really didn’t find him terribly attractive on dates 1 and 3, but I did on date 2, I put this down to the hair cut/facial hair, the look of a friend that I wasn’t sure about and the weird little facial twitch that he has I found rather off putting. The fact that he’d joined the RAF as he’d been thrown out of Police training after getting arrested for an altercation with his (ex) girlfriend, the honest, say it how it is person that he told me he was, obviously isn’t the person he really is. 

They say that you learn more about someone at the end of a relationship than you do in a relationship, although we weren’t in a relationship this is definitely true, he’s certainly shown an arrogance I hadn’t detected since I pulled him up on his behaviour. 

He told me that he was looking for Mrs Right, however one of his excuses was that getting involved with someone while unsettled isn’t a great idea, however he is still on Tinder, maybe he just wanted to get laid? That’s absolutely fine but be upfront about it?!

I have spent a lot of time going over this in my mind, what I said wrong, what I did wrong, if I should have gone out the day after my hair cut, not the day before, what's wrong with me, why can't I get it right....... 

Largely the men I meet tell me that they would like a strong woman that is honest and tells it how it is, however they soon change their mind when the strong woman is honest and tells THEM how it is. When we saw IT last week one of the quotes in it was ‘Ain’t nothing like a little fear to make a paper man crumble’ only a few days after seeing the film, the paper man did, indeed crumble.

On Saturday night when I was out a message arrived 'How's you trouble' it was from Cunt Face, two weeks after we'd last spoken and just when I was at my most vulnerable. 

Had it arrived a couple of days before I wouldn't have answered but I did and that will be the next apart of the blog!.

Cake Destroyer – Date Three

The date that I didn’t think was going to happen did and much faster than I expected.

On Monday I had a stream of messages, rather than the one that I’ve been used to getting (and getting annoyed with) he came back to me saying that his week is looking busy but if it wasn’t too later notice he could possibly do Tuesday, I had no plans anyway and agreed as I really felt that if it was going to happen it needed to happen sooner rather than later.

We have kind of made plans for the weekend after this one, however obviously, it will depend on leave so I didn’t want date three to be a maybe in another two weeks’ time.

He asked what I wanted to do and I suggested the cinema and a drink, he suggested IT which has just come out. I can’t (and didn’t) pretend that I wasn’t apprehensive, I don’t like scary movies when I have to sleep alone, I’m always paranoid that I’m going to need to check under the bed etc at every sign of a noise! I told him that if it was scary he might end up with me on his lap and he said that was probably the best outcome and that he would protect me.

I felt terribly nervous yesterday, I think I’ve built him up in my mind which is never good really is it? I was talking to my friend at work yesterday about it and said that he seems almost too perfect which I find terribly scary, look what happened last time the only fault I could find was how far away he lived.

So we met about half way, he was a little late, not massively though (I think this might be his thing, however it was around rush hour) kiss and hug and we walked across to the cinema, I again warned him that if I was screaming it was his fault, he said that he was happy to see something else if I wanted, I said that I was only joking, when we arrived at the cinema he’d already brought the tickets.

The film wasn’t as scary as I expected, I love programs such as criminal minds but I had expected this to be much more gratuitously scary, it wasn’t and I jumped a little once, spending much more of the film laughing than being scared, the scene’s I found most disturbing were the ones with Beverly and her pervert father and I buried my head in his shoulder when one of the boys held the cat up as target practice but thankfully they didn’t shoot at it.  I guess my idea of disturbing is different to a lot of people’s, I found the kids film; Big Hero 6 quite disturbing as it contains a lot of death for a kid’s film, including a little boy’s family being burned to death and that’s made for children!

It did give us a good excuse to get cuddled up in the cinema though, which was nice, however that’s maybe where the problems started? I had my hand on his leg, my arm was rested on his pocket, I assumed his wallet initially but part way through the film it vibrated, at which point I realised it was his phone, a few minutes later it vibrated again. Now call me cynical but all that went through my mind was wondering if they were Tinder notifications, or other dates.

We all know what the world is like these days, not even socks are monogamous (well not in my house anyway) dating is tough, often people are having Tinder dates night after night, he could be on another one tonight, so could I (I’m not, I’ve been putting people off) it just makes you think, especially if you kind of like someone.

The film finished and he’d found a bar a short walk away, it was pretty wet out which wasn’t fun but the bar was lovely, he tried to pay again but I was quite firm in my ‘No, I’m paying’ this time, I do love a gentleman but there is no need for him to pay for everything, even more so that I know how little he will be earning currently.

We found a table and sat down opposite each other, he mentioned that the table was massive and we were really far apart so I moved round to sit next to him, they had live music and he has a sore throat so hearing each other would have been a struggle from across the table.

As soon as I’d moved his hand moved to my knee again, he’d kissed me as the film finished, when we’d gone to collect my coat from the car and several times during the time that we were in the bar and it was nice. I think that we both spent most of the evening smiling or laughing, he is great company.

We’d talked in the evening about him coming over for this alcohol cupboard emptying, as well as more general stuff and work, he’s got more holiday coming up so we talked about how much I dislike that fact and he had the audacity to say that I had an easier job as mine is much more flexible, I mentioned that he’d get a quiet life when I didn’t message him anymore and he said he definitely didn’t want that and tried to take the comment back.

We walked back to our cars and he kissed me and asked me to let him know when I got home, he waited for me to drive off and followed me out.

I guess that’s where the problems continue. I had about 40 minutes in the car where I could think, me and thinking isn’t good.

So, when I’d first seen him my first thought was that he didn’t look as nice as date two, obviously, he’s got the squaddie hair cut back so looks a bit thuggish and he had a bit of stubble this time (not full on facial hair though) he also has some facial expressions which remind me hugely of a friend of mine, he doesn’t look like him but in some ways he does, if that makes sense?

There is definitely something I like about him, our sense of humour is totally in tune, if a little warped and we genuinely seem to get on and make each other laugh. The facial twitches were back and I’m not a fan, they’ve been apparent on two out of the three dates now, I found him much more attractive on date two than one or three, I love that he’s so gentlemanly, he opens doors, always wants to pay, checks that I’ve got home, won’t sit down until I have and there is something about him that makes me feel safe.

I got home and text him as requested, saying that I was home and thanking him for another lovely evening, he messaged back saying that he was home and in bed, was glad I was home safe, thanked me for a lovely evening and said well done again on not being a scaredy cat. I responded simply saying that I was quite pleased and that was our last message.

I’m not sure I think another one will come but I don’t really know why, there was nothing yesterday to say that it wasn’t a good date, apart from the fact that on dates one and two we’ve had a conversation by message following the date but we did get back a lot later than we have on the last two.

Today I feel totally conflicted, I’m unsure of where I am, unsure of what I want, unsure of where he is with things. I don’t know if I’m doing the thing that I’m really good at and pushing back because we’re getting closer and I fear getting hurt so badly, so if I push someone away before we get too involved it saves me a little or that I’d built him up in my head to be something he’s not?

I had a massive smile on my face all day yesterday as I was excited to see him, today my head is in over drive, part of me thinks I’m being silly, the other part can’t help but think back to last year’s fiasco where I dared to involve my heart, look where that ended.

I highly recommend a listen to the new Sam Smith song; Too good at goodbyes, it really does nail some things!

Manchester, Racing and a pickled brain…….

Tuesday’s update already seems like a lifetime away, although there isn’t a great deal to report really.

I spent the three days in Manchester as planned and went out on Tuesday with my friend that I used to work with, she was the one having man trouble last time and it seems to have sorted itself out, which is good news, we had dinner and a drink in a new cocktail bar which was nice.

I think I may have got asked out by one of the guys that works there, that was a bit odd, I brushed it off, he’s not my thing but I think we could probably be friends.

Cake Destroyer graduated last week, he sent me a photo of him in uniform and I have to say that he looked really good, although so did his mate who was also in the photo and a few inches taller, only he was smiling in the photo though and he does have a lovely smile.

I have a funny feeling that date three isn’t going to happen, Cake Destroyer’s messages have stuck at one a day, it’s been over a week now since I’ve had more than one, they are all really long still but I can’t say that I’m not finding it hugely frustrating and off putting but then I get a message and for a few minutes all of my reservations disappear.

Thursday’s date didn’t happen, he’s now not starting Phase 2 today, he’s being held until October, which means he didn’t get sent home on Thursday (so we could meet) but it means that he’s now been given a week’s leave, so he’s not around again, which seems to be becoming a bit of a habit. He says this is good as he’ll be around for a bit longer, I’m not so sure.

So, he suggested that we do something this weekend coming (we’ve talked of him coming over and us having a whirl at emptying my alcohol cupboard which is hugely overstocked for someone that doesn’t drink at home unless she has guests and she doesn’t generally) however I’m busy, so that won’t work, I’ve now suggested that we meet up this week when he’s off, he’s suggested Wednesday, guess what? I’m busy Wednesday……… I’m starting to become really frustrated with it, does he actually want to see me? And if he does why isn’t he making it happen?

His messages don’t tell me he’s not interested, they are in the same vein, only now there are less of them, if he’s not interested any more would he not just tell me? Well no, because that’s not how dating works today, today people just string you along and keep you as a back up plan, in case whatever else they are up to doesn’t work out because that is dating in 2017.

We’ll see I guess? I’m trying not to answer this morning’s 09:30 message, as I know it means that I probably won’t get a response until tomorrow, which will annoy me a bit more but I struggle with it being sat there on my phone, I want to answer it, I’ve now started typing, which means that I won’t be able to not send it, ah man I need to have a word with myself.

So, I spent a fair bit of time this weekend with New Mechanic (and the rest of the crew obviously) not sure he’s really my thing looks wise (although he is tall and dark) but I won’t have seen him at his best as when I see him he’s working and in team gear, however the smoking is pretty much a deal breaker for me. Saturday was a bit odd, I was outside as they were setting off for the race, he came and gave me a hug as I’d picked up something for him on the way after he’d messaged me that morning, as he went off to the grid he then came and kissed me on the cheek, thankfully not many of our lot were around to see it as I’m not quite sure what they would have thought of it!

He came and gave me a hug goodbye as we were all leaving yesterday and said ‘I’ll message you’ and he has today, just general stuff that we were chatting about at the weekend. There is more racing this weekend but it’s back in Cheshire, I could only go Sunday due to being out Saturday night and already I feel like I can’t be arsed, however being busy keeps my mind off my phone.

Dating sites are off the hook and my Whatsapp looks like the ghosts of dating past, this is down to (apparently) the fact that it’s ‘Cuffing Season’ which is the time between summer and winter when everyone wants to find a mate for the winter, it certainly seems to be the case.

Prince Harry is obviously back from Block Leave as he sent me some messages last week asking if I’d like to meet up, I told him that in the four dates we’ve had it’s not worked out, so I don’t see that changing, he’s told me he’s now closer (less than 20 miles) and he’s stationed here for the next two years, I’m totally not sold on seeing him again, he’s hotter in his photos than in real life and his personality leaves a lot to be desired, I’m not sure he’s ever made me laugh on any of the four dates that we had so I think I can probably leave that one without worrying that I have made the wrong decision.

Car Salesman got in touch last week, saying his wife had told him to sort his shit out or they'd be getting a divorce, he say's he's trying. We chatted a bit, told him about CD, he say's I should give him a chance and it's really nice to hear me talk about him like that, I did say he's doing my head in. He said that he thinks he's a very lucky man if I like him, he said he feels like the 'defender of the buff 29 year old RAF man' which made me laugh as it's not how I'd describe him at all (he's not seen photos, this is just what he's made up in his head) he also said 'You are fucking amazing, I hope he can see that' which is really kind but the fact that it's coming from him sours it a little, he couldn't see it back then, he couldn't see it before he went off and fucked my mate, if he couldn't see it 18 years ago, when I was younger, prettier, thinner then why should CD be able to see it now, after two dates and a load of messages?

Cunt Face hasn't been in touch but does keep posting stories on SnapChat, never with someone else in them, but two slices of cake, two pizza's, who's that twat trying to kid?! I want to scream 'I know, I fucking know, stop lying' but I know it's not worth it, like with W@nk Bag sometimes you need to realise that you'll never get the answer you deserve, you'll never get the truth, just another twisted version of the lies you've already heard, learning to give it up is the hardest part. I spent ages trying to get W@nk Bag to be honest but eventually I faced the reality that it was never going to come and then started to move on, it was a long and painful process, thankfully with CF it won't take as long, five years of my life and two dates are massively different time periods, just a shame that he spent the best part of 18 months fucking with my feelings and even then couldn't do honesty. 

I’m definitely not short of offers but it’s very much like my wardrobe, plenty of choice but still nothing to wear, pretty fed up of it to be honest, I don’t see why I can’t find someone half decent, I keep getting told I’m too picky but is it really picky to have things that I want in another person?

So, I’ve not put any makeup on this morning (couldn’t be arsed, don’t usually for work) and now our fit (although more floppy haired posh boy than big shouldered classically my thing) lawyer has turned up and I wish I’d made an effort this morning. I’m weird in that I’m brilliant at flirting with people I’m not interested in but absolutely rubbish with people I am.

We’ve known each other for a few years now, I don’t see a lot of him as he works at another office, a couple of hours from here but he definitely brightens my day when he’s here, however we can’t manage to string a conversation together as when we try to talk we are both a bit dumbstruck, my friend that works in the office says it’s very funny to watch.

I ensure he's always within easy viewing when we have our conference, I decided this year I couldn't really put him on my table for the third year in a row, so he went on the table opposite me, I let the MD's do their seating plans for those I'd chosen for the table, when I found he wasn't in an easy view I may have swapped him with someone else.........

I have no idea where this week is going to take me, my concentration is right off the boil today that’s for sure, oh and yes I only made it two hours before sending my response, so I imagine now that Weds or Sat are the only nights he can do and that I won’t get a response until tomorrow, just to irritate me a bit more, maybe I should just bin it? It’s just not very often I decide I do actually like someone. I half decided on lunch today that if he comes back telling me he can’t do anything else this week I’m going to send him a message just saying if he has a free evening in the next couple of weeks to get in touch and to have a nice week off, is that being harsh or giving him a get out or simply saving myself?

Monday sucks, men suck, work sucks. 

Dating Suicide......

Well that’s what I thought it was anyway, do you think that stopped me? No, of course it didn’t, I’m definitely a dicing with danger kinda girl (maybe that’s why I’m still single?)

I was feeling a bit fragile anyway following the whole Cunt Face debacle which never helps with me, so in one message on Saturday I mentioned Tinder, asked when we were going to see each other again and asked if he was ok as he’d been quiet.

It was in the conversation and I wasn’t at all shirty with him (he’s done nothing to deserve that) it was a terribly long message but largely answering his last message, I even managed to swing the Tinder comment in as an answer to one of his comments.

I read it over and over again, it was long, even for us, I sent it unsure of whether I wanted to see the answer or not, I half expected a ‘fuck off’ I think, I guess I’m used to dealing with Cunt Face and him not responding for days isn’t unusual and then a ‘I’m just not sure’ or ‘I really like you but I don’t want to hurt you’ bollocks message.

Something had been said about not having offers flooding in, I used that to respond about tinder, I asked what sort of offers he was expecting and asked if he was hoping Tinder notifications would be off the hook.

 I asked when he thought we would get to do date 3 and added unless he’d changed his mind, kinda giving him an out, kinda making my position clear (maybe?) The message had opened with ‘all ok, you’ve been quieter this week’

The message took ages to come back (I know he’s busy and I appreciate that but it doesn’t stop me wondering)

Later that day I saw ‘typing’ appear on the screen, my heart was firmly in my mouth at that, part of me wanted to see what he was typing, part of me didn’t want to see it at all.

When it came in it did take me a little while to open it, he started by saying he was fine, just busy in the lead up to graduation and there have been some issues with some people on his course getting into trouble (not him)

He said that he was only waiting for offers coming from my directions and that he doesn’t really fancy Tinder going wild, so far so good (however he didn’t say that he wasn’t using it)

On the date three, he said that funnily enough he was actually going to ask for Thursday as although they’ve not heard anything official yet their Cpl thinks that they’ll let them go for some post graduation down time before his first posting on Monday and said that hopefully we could do something then.

I was rather pleased with the response, he seemed totally cool about it, answered like it was no big deal at all, it’s kinda one of the things I like about him, he seems really open but Cunt Face sits in the back of my mind nagging at me to think that everyone is a wanker, I hate it.

He has been quieter but we’ve had at least a (very long) message a day, he graduates today which is pretty exciting, he’s excited and I feel excited for him, his Mum, two brothers and one of his two sisters are down for it so I’m sure it will be lovely for them all and hopefully they’ll get some nice photo’s of him in uniform (for me!) it is, however absolutely pissing down, so that won’t be so nice, which is a shame.

We’ve talked even more in depth since then and the messages have got even longer, not sure that I thought that was possible, we’ve talked about all sorts of stuff, including what we like about each other and he’s been very complimentary.

Fingers crossed he’ll be released on Thursday and we’ll manage this date three, it’s only two weeks since we’ve seen each other but feels like ages.

New Mechanic has been in touch a bit this week, I’m working at our Manchester office and he messaged yesterday to ask how it was going which I think was quite sweet, I’ll see him this weekend, however it’s looking like it’s going to be wet, which is never promising.

I have been chatting to someone else on one of the sites, he’s asked me out, he seems nice but it puts me in a bit of a predicament really, what do I do? I don’t really want to go on a date with someone else at the moment but do I put it on hold? What if he isn’t putting things on hold. He seems nice, he lives up this way (Chester, yep I’m not sure we should trust anyone from Chester after the last one) but his parents are down by me and he coaches Rugby there of a weekend, he’s quite keen and has already offered a lot of options for a date, here, there, this week, this weekend.

So, this week is my first week working in Manchester, the journey up yesterday was fine, without the roadworks and on a good run it’s 2.5 hours door to door so I think it’s going to be doable, will I want to do it every week though, that’s the question!

I’ve had a nice welcome, one of the guys that works on our second tier team (two below my boss) works here and flirts with me regularly! Came and took me out for lunch yesterday and is again today, his girlfriend works here and she turned up yesterday as soon as he came down to take me for lunch, apparently she’s not keen on blondes!

As we were walking back from lunch yesterday he informed me that my trousers were see through, I didn’t believe him as they are new and from Next, Next don’t make see through work trousers, surely? However he did describe my knickers, however could black and lacy be a fluke? I went out to dinner with a couple that I used to work with, they are LOVELY but he was very boring last night, kept telling me about his new policeman friend and how I would like him, however his new policeman friend is married, so I’m not sure what the idea behind that was, he was also describing all of their interactions in great detail, you know the kind of thing where you had to be there? Well I wasn’t!

I made excuses about 9, as I really wanted to go to Ikea (I have never used those words before and promise never to again, I hate that place) to look at storage and they close at 10, made it with half hour to look around, it wasn’t long enough, disappointed massively that I’ll have to go back.

The motorway was closed, as was the exit to my hotel and everything I needed, it took ages, I’m shattered today and my thoughts are elsewhere!

A friend of mine was flaunting her 'amazing' new man on Facebook at the weekend, it pretty much summed up the reason why I am still single, I'm not convinced that when she finished scraping the barrel she didn't pick it up and scrape under it, I'm not just not ever going to be ready for that. I'm probably going to die alone because of it, on a positive note I already have the cats and won't need to buy any! 

It’s been a total…………..

Shitter of a week this week, works been mental with wall to wall meetings and the Director that I hate has been in, I think he’s gathered now that I don’t like him, which is positive. He’s annoyed one of the other PA’s this week with his demands, probably as he doesn’t think that we are important, however have you ever tried to get something you need from PA’s that you’ve pissed off? Yeah, good luck with that one!

I’ve been suspicious of him for a long time now, when he started he told me that his wife had died from cancer and that he is now seeing his best mates wife, after his best mate died in a climbing accident, what a terrible set of events I thought, although I did wonder about swooping in on the wife and children, a few months later one of his staff was chatting to me, saying how awful it was that his wife had committed suicide, hmmm I thought, that’s odd.

A few days ago one of the other directors came up to me and told me that he had now told her two different stories about his wife’s death, one the suicide, one the car crash, so this is now three stories I’ve heard, you can’t tell me that’s not weird? If you are going to lie, at least get your story straight eh?

It’s been a tough week for me dating wise, Cake Destroyer messages have been few and far between, although at least one each day, I’m torn with it if I’m honest I know that he graduates next week and that he’s really busy but if I see him online I think he’s got time to respond?

I found out this week that Cunt Face does have a girlfriend that he told me he didn’t have, now it shouldn’t be a great stretch as I know he’s a liar but he said that he wanted to be friends and that he was truly sorry for what he had done, which was obviously another lie, he’s obviously also cheated on her with me, that’s two girlfriends now.

It’s shaken my faith totally again (not my faith in him but sadly my faith in the male species) if he wanted to be friends then why didn’t he tell me about her? I would have been upset but I’d not have told him that, I’d have had a little time to get myself through it but I’d have been fine and we could have actually tried being friends, now we can’t because I gave him another chance and he lied again.

I stupidly feel hurt and I know I shouldn’t, I’ve known what he is like for a year now, when I found out. We can’t be friends, I can’t be friends with a liar, I just don’t know whether I’ll tell him what I know or just ignore him from now on.

I often wonder if people realise what effect they have on other people’s lives, he probably doesn’t think that not telling me he had a girlfriend and lying to me about his ‘lodger’ were a big deal but the ripples of those lies are still evolving here and it’s affecting what I do and think now.

For example when I don’t hear from CD I immediately think it’s because he’s lying or he’s found someone else (which it could be) but before CF that wouldn’t have entered my head, I know they aren’t all like that but I’m not sure that many good one’s exist anymore, I certainly don’t seem to come  across them.

I don’t know if it’s normal but I have a lot of male friends that are pretty shitty when it comes to girlfriends, the Best Friend for example he’s cheated on most of them and when he hasn’t it’s only been because they haven’t been together long enough, the 5/6 guys cheating on my birthday night out, seriously what does that say about them?

I desperately want to ask CD if there is anyone else but I don’t have the right to, I also don’t want to scare him off or project my insecurities caused by someone else onto him because that’s really not fair, can I really ask that question after two dates? I personally don’t want to go on dates with anyone else at the moment as we do have a bit of connection and some chemistry, so a date with someone else will either be a disappointment or make the water murkier, neither which I want.

The New Mechanic hasn’t been in touch a great deal this week, which is fine but I’ll see him next weekend at racing, even that’s a bit of a water muddier really.

Have had a few more messages from the Dr. 

Currently I don’t want to swipe but feel that I should, in case he is and I’m wasting my time, what kind of person does that make me and what sort of world does this make it?

I honestly think dating in this century sucks.

Feeling pretty depressed at the moment, which is totally the opposite of how this week started, I have no plans at all this weekend which is rare for me and maybe not good with how I feel currently.