Twats in Tinfoil........

Does Prince Charming really exist, or are they just twats in tinfoil?

I went over on Sunday to take some photos of his car for a magazine, we walked out to greet me, kissed me (properly) cuddled me, we laughed, had a nice time and then he sort of changed, said he was tired, it was a little uncomfortable so I made my excuses and left, he text to make sure I'd got home, I was a little bit disillusioned so I didn't respond. He sent me a good morning and four more messages, I didn't respond, I intended to but I didn't want to say something I might regret. I replied that evening, although my message was a little vague.

We had some messages on Tuesday and I called him on Tues evening once I'd got over it a bit, normal conversation, I'm not very good at not knowing where I stand, games isn't really my thing (which he knows)

I was away for work on Weds and Thurs, Weds I heard nothing, so after a night out with work and a bottle or so of wine I sent a message saying I didn't know how to deal with him being so on and off, I got a response the following morning, saying he'd been ill and had a lot going on with work, sorry for putting it on me.

I thought about it and I knew that really I shouldn't respond, it wouldn't help, wouldn't stop him being flaky but on Friday I was out and something made me giggle and think of him, so I responded, a few more messages but eventually I said I didn't want to put him under anymore pressure as he's under a lot of it with work. I said I'd had a nice time with him and pretty much goodbye. He responded saying he'd had a nice time with me too and 'will arrange something soon' two days in and i've not responded, it's taken a hell of a lot for me not to message him.

I've spent a lot of my weekend with sporadic tears (like I am now!)  ive tried so hard this time to not hide my feelings and put the walls up around my heart, which isn't me at all and look where it's got me, my heart hurts and so does my pride, I know it will get better but I miss him being around, I guess you kind of get you to someone when you are speaking to them most days for months at a time?

I don't want to do it again, twice I've messed up this year.

I spent a long time in the car on Thursday, I can still envisage the day that I watched my big love walk out the door for the last time nearly five years ago, I can still feel my heart hurting and I never want to feel like that ever again, I think this is the closest i've felt to anyone for a while now, I feel stupid for letting it happen, ive checked my phone a stupid amount of times, I'm desperate to see a message but realistically I know I won't, he's not been on tinder in four days, finally met someone that makes him not need it? Or the ex back on the scene? I so wish I knew, would it make me feel better? Who knows?

I don't want to face people at the moment, I don't want them to ask, I don't want to have to talk, I want to shut myself away and not inflict my misery on anyone else! I don't think it helps that I hate this time of year.

I ordered him an acrylic block of one of the car prints that looked really good, I'm still going to send it, my friend says im too nice but I don't think that you should stop being nice for anyone, I do think if we were all a bit nicer the world would be a better place, I honestly try hard to be nice, I send friends that are having rough times presents, do things for charity and generally try to make myself a better person. If I'd not ordered it I wouldn't have after this but I did, I don't want it, I can't send it back, I was going to post it anyway, it was a 'your having a rough time present' not for Christmas.

Does it make me soft? Maybe. I don't think many people would say that about me.

I've cancelled the dating sites, I just don't think I can go through all this again, the 100 dates to get one that you like only for that to not work out when you think it might, to have what you think is happy within your grasp and then for it to disappear out of sight.

I'm done!