Life goes on.......

.......................but I'm still reeling. 

I have no idea why things have hit me so hard, my confidence has taken a bit of a battering, I think it's probably just bad timing, work's been busy and hard work (especially some people) I can't stop beating myself up about missing the signs, I'm sure they were all there but I seem to have been totally blindsided on this one. 

I want to stop myself but I can't, I didn't even go out this weekend, I'm totally shattered and could sleep all day, I think the old depression is creeping in, I'm feeling fairly run down, I'm still so annoyed at myself and I can't help punishing myself with what if's, I wish it would stop. 

Last Monday as I got home he was pulling into the next road (yes he was going there) and I hit the red mist stage rather quickly, so badly that I had to get myself out of the house to stop myself doing something stupid, I feel like such a bloody idiot I really do and I still have to face him at some point in the future, at times like this I just want to move away! 

I've been in touch with a blast from my past, I'm not sure if he's been mentioned on here yet, he's from 20 years ago so I'll catch you up on him soon. 

We've still got the normal dating site men messaging but to be honest I'm really off of the whole idea of the male species at the moment, I seem to have no luck at all with them, seems if there were 100 men in a room and one was an arse I'd pick him out first I'm sure I would. 

Done up like a kipper!!!!!!!

Had a few more messages, it was his birthday on Wednesday so I wished him Happy Birthday, he said he wasn't doing anything and then I spoke to him on messenger in the evening, he said he'd had a shit day, he said he'd been asking me out for weeks and that there was playing hard to get and then there was taking the piss. He asked me out for dinner and finally I said yes.

Friday came and I was looking forward to seeing him, got to the pub early, I'd noticed something a day or so before, that he'd liked a load of things by a particular person, then she walked in, I obviously wondered on that, he arrived, said hi and then pretty much ignored me for the rest of the night, a friend of mine arrived that I've not seen for ages, she spent a lot if the evening talking to him but then I didn't think twice about that, he's best mates with the father of her youngest.

I sent him a message asking what had changed, no reply but he kept looking over, his Mum and Dad were there and spoke but they were quite keen on leaving early.

Next time I saw him I took the opportunity to ask him what his problem was, he said I'd made myself clear on Sunday that I didn't want him, I said I thought we'd spoken on Wednesday, it turned into a full on row where he was saying I wasn't interested and I was trying to explain the situation, he tried to walk away from me, he's quite a big bloke but I still grabbed his arm and made him stay at the bar, he commented that I must have muscles.

Then the friend came to the bar and asked why I was looking at her like that, I explained that I wasn't looking at her like anything, then the penny dropped and I said ' you too' yes she says, he'd been talking to her (I don't know what else) said he'd take her and her kids on holiday etc, so there were three of us in the pub, all being played. She and I walked into the garden where he was and he looked at us both and said 'I don't care' he handed his drink to a friend, I took it out of her hand and poured it over her head, much to the amusement of half of the pub, apparently he wasn't impressed!

Then she went home with him, what a mug!!!

I was fairly upset because I'd been made a fool of, I don't let anyone get close (not that he had) so I was in tears but out of anger at myself more than anything, his mate was lovely (the one that likes me) and I ended up staying at his (not like that) he slept on the sofa and spent the night telling me it wasn't my fault and I had no reason to know what was going on, I explained that I just feel stupid, I'm normally so switched on to these things, what a fool!!!!

Too Soon is far too much of a nice name for him!

Sunday

Sunday came and we were both due to be out again, we sat in the garden and he came and sat with us for a bit, he was telling my friend about Saturday and shopping, he left with his friends and we were meeting again later at the other village local where I see another friend of mine on a Sunday, I got a message from him asking if I was still coming down and if I wanted him to give me a lift, I said I'd be fine and walk down, I'm glad I did as I walked in and his parents were there, I was a little embarrassed to say the least, he came and joined me at the bar, we got paired up for skittles and when they said our names he said how nice it sounded and when I was trying to read my star sign he said he could tell me what my week was going to be like! He kept asking when I'd let him take me for dinner and dropped to my friend (that knew nothing) that we'd been shopping, it wasn't until later that she asked where I'd been on the Saturday and commented that he'd been to the same place!

Anyway, I fronted saying hello to the parents and making polite conversation, all the time wondering whether they knew anything or not.

We walked back to mine with the two people that normally walk me home and he came in, where he was telling me how much he liked me, I told him that I very much felt it was too soon for him and that I didn't want to get hurt, get cold feet easily (he told me to put socks on!) and that I felt he was rushing in, he disagrees totally and says it's over, he's never going back and he likes me so why should he wait, which I half get and half don't!

He went home saying it was up to me and maybe I ought to call him when I thought he should be ready, I spent the whole of Monday feeling miserable because he'd left with a face like a kicked puppy.

I went for dinner with my friend in the evening, she's known him all of their lives and said I should think sod everyone and what they think if I like him, again she has a point but it would without a doubt come with some shit!

She said one of the young lads that was out said about how much chemistry there was between us and that it wouldn't have been hard for his Mum and Dad to work it out as he'd been next to me from the moment I'd walked in, she also said that she'd never seen him quiet and shy before and it was quite sweet, you know me, I'm a nightmare, we'll see if he makes the next update in my discombobulated little world!

I got a message while we were at dinner, just a smiley face and a load of kisses.

She asked me if I found him attractive and I said that honestly I don't to look at but there is obviously something there (quite possibly smell)  I'm still not sure what to do if I'm honest, I am scared of being hurt and I do honestly think it's too soon for him and I'm not sure I really want to get involved in it all if I'm honest.

A Too Soon Catch Up......

We'd been to a Beer Festival on the Sunday after the smelly Friday, I'd driven so had dropped my car and Uniform off (he's not emigrating and was at my side from the moment we walked in) and walked down to one of the locals, my friend wanted to get some chips and as we turned the corner she spotted his car as we turned the corner, he was in the Indian, I knocked on the window, he came out 'you look nice, where have you been' I was only wearing a black maxi dress but it does look nice. I said we were heading down the local and he said it was empty.

It was empty when we walked in and I sent him an FB message saying he was right but it had got busier when we walked in, he replied saying I looked very nice and I should have invited him, the conversations continued, with a bit of flirting thrown in, he said that he'd not been drunk on the Friday and I was an amazing kisser.

He was quite blatant and said he is interested in me, he'd like the chance to impress me etc, I said I think jumping into something is too soon but he disagrees.

That brought us to Friday, we were both going to be out, I had made a bit of an effort, wearing a dress with my hair straightened, a smile and hello as we walked past but that was all, we joined them a bit later and he was very obvious in front of everyone, at one point he was telling my friend how he'd opened an internet dating account and he'd seen someone he really liked on there, he was staring at me, I have to admit to being mortally embarrassed but he pretty much knew my whole profile off by heart and said he'd come out with the intention of telling me to give it a try or we'd leave it but he'd set eyes on me and it all went out of the window.

My friend was telling me I should give it a go (with prompting from him) and he asked what I was doing the following day, I said nothing and he asked me to go shopping with him, which I agreed to.

His best mate was also telling me how much he liked me but that he'd be a bad bet and that I should go for him instead (that was all a bit of a surprise!) he also kissed me in front of his Aunty which was a little awkward to say the least but we'd both had quite a lot to drink and these things happen.

He walked me home and stayed but apart from kidding and cuddling nothing happened, it had got a bit heated at one point and he'd said that wasn't how he wanted it to be (very sensible and I don't think I'd have let it go further either) it was nice, we had a bit of time in bed in the morning and when he got up he said he'd pick me up in a hour to go shopping.

We'd discussed the fact that I didn't want the world to know until we'd worked out ourselves if it was going to be anything or not, he wasn't particularly happy about that I have to say but I want to be sensible about it (I also know his parents, his brother and teenage son, although quite like him, in that I know them but not very well)

We both felt a bit rubbish and hungover but had a nice time, I picked out all of the bits he wanted and he bought another bottle of THE aftershave, a woman in the shop said that there was an offer on another version, he said he had to have that one or I wouldn't talk to him anymore, it was funny.

We came back and he commented that he'd got me in and out of the village without being spotted, I told him he was an idiot, later that night I got an FB message that was a face and a load of kisses.