Friday, 26 August 2016

Two weeks on...............

from that Saturday and I've stayed strong, no contact since the Monday evening, even if I have had to stop myself and sit on my hands several times, every day I've seen or done something I want to tell him about but I can't, because we aren't there anymore, it still makes me sad for what could have been but I need to remember that person I spent the time with and spent months talking to isn't him, it's someone else, someone that I don't know. Yesterday I got to 11:33 without him entering my head once, I was quite proud of myself for it, today's not gone so well but I know it will continue to improve as time goes by. So, two weeks ago I had a third date with Prince Harry, unplanned but he'd kept asking and I thought 'fuck it' so it happened, I warned him before I went that he would not be getting into my pants, he didn't, much trying though, but we had a bit of a fool around, I still don't think my heads in it (well it's not lets be honest!) everyone says I need to give it more time and see if it develops, I don't think it will but I guess you never know? He's been away and is for another week but keeps in touch a few times a week by message, it doesn't bother me if I hear from him or not (which I don't think is a good sign) whereas the other one I never stopped looking at my phone or waiting (yeah maybe I still do a bit) It's hard to take that you can be part of someones life and then you aren't, just suddenly you don't even cross their mind, how does this work? Still POF'ing and Tindering, to no avail, no one I want to meet yet, I'm not sure Prince Charming hangs around there but he'd get arrested for hanging around in Forests in this day and age surely?

Tuesday, 16 August 2016

Saturday..................

Saturday came and I got up extra early so I could straighten my hair!! I'd decided what I was wearing and packed on Friday night to try and reduce the stress. I went for denim shorts and a t-shirt to wear to the show so I wouldn't be hot and bothered all day, packed my make up bag etc for later. Just arriving in Chester made me feel phsically sick and I wondered if I was doing the right thing, I knew I had to go. I arrived at the show and as I walked in my judge for the day said 'don't you look lovely and chic today' I felt like I was onto a winner! We had a lovely day but I have to admit to being somewhat distracted, my head was completely off, I kept thinking about what I wanted to say and know but my mind was completely blank. We finished up and I went to get changed, I had chosen a black dress, just above the knee that fitted really well and showed off just enough cleavage, I only really do minimal makeup at the best of times, so a bit of powder, bronzer, mascara and lipstick and I was ready, if a bag of nerves, he told me he was at the pub and I made my way to meet him, I was literally a bag of nerves and still not sure what to expect or what I wanted to say. I pulled up and spotted his car, then gathered myself up and made my way into the garden, where he was sitting with drinks for us both. I didn't feel the pull that I had last time we met but I think things were different then, I sat down and we started talking, even writing this now I don't know what I expected, I think I wanted to hate him, sadly I didn't. He is insistant that they aren't together, do I believe it? I'm really not sure if I'm honest. I had in my head we'd talk for about half hour and I'd go, I left three hours later, I had this overwhelming urge to touch him but to be honest that's what got us here I guess, I kept it in check, we even laughed at some points. I got a brilliant joke in, I told him that next time he picks someone to mess about with he should go for someone not very clever, joking that he picked a girl that had either an NVQ in Childcare or Beauty Therapy, the look on his face said it all, so I asked 'which one is she' childcare was the answer, I laughed a lot at this, none of this is by any means her fault but even if just for a minute or two it made me feel better. He said how bad he felt, he never meant to hurt me, he'd just wanted someone to talk to and had never thought it would go as far as it did or he's meet someone he had so much in common with. I called him the C word a few times, plus a few other choice words. He walked me back to the car, he wanted to give me a hug but I was frozen in his arms, I didn't want to walk away, it was the last thing in the world I wanted, even after everything, I excused myself as I felt the tears coming, said goodbye and got in the car, as soon as I shut the door the tears flowed, which I was ok with, until a minute later he knocked on the window. He'd said earlier that he had some cider for me to try (I like cider) he was at the window with it, I didn't make eye contact, said a muffled thank you and made my move, the tears came down like a flood, I sobbed the whole three hours home, I must have got caught in every bit of diversion and road works the whole way and I was a mess, more upset than even I had imagined, I had wanted to feel nothing but I didn't. I got home to a message from him, asking if I'd got home ok, I replied that I had. That was it, until the next day, when browsing on Facebook and I noticed her profile missing, I'd been blocked, I thought it must have been him, to be fair a silly move in the mood I'm in, he doesn't want to push me, I sent him a mesage, 'oh dear, oh dear' he said it wasn't him and that he'd got a strange message from her in the week about his messages going to other places, he thought she'd seen some on his Ipad, I thought about it for a bit, as far as I was aware you couldn't get Whatsapp on Ipad (I'd tried in the past) but it turns out you can now, I'm not sure I can believe she blocked me, if it was me in her position, I'd not be blocking me, I'd be finding out what was going on. He said he was going to talk to her to see what she meant about the messages, I said I looked forward to hearing his explanation and then went to bed. He'd sent me a message asking if I was in tears in the car, I'd ignored it, I didn't really want to talk about it. On Monday morning I was sitting at my desk as my phone rang, it was him, he said it was easier to ring than message, he said he thinks she'd seen the messages about us meeting up on Saturday but he deletes his messages so she'd not have seen much more, I quipped that in his position I guess you would delete things. He said he appreciated I needed an explanation but that he didn't want to ask anymore questions as he wanted to keep things amicable between them and get money etc sorted out, I said that if I were her I'd be planning his hanging right now or that I'd have been in that pub garden waiting on Saturday to see what was going on. I explanined that he could block me from what he wants but if I want to tell her the only way he will stop me is to put her on a remote island with no internet or post and no way in or out, he said he had no doubt that if I wanted to do something I would, he's right. He said he needed to ask me something, he asked about the tears again, I said yes, I had been in tears, it's all been very stressful and had I not cared I would have just walked away at the first sign of a girlfriend and yes, I was emotional, I could hear his voice go, as he apologised and said he never meant to hurt me and that I didn't deserve what he had done, we got off the phone before the tears flowed once more. We had a bit of a text conversation yesterday but he sent the last message and I know however much it kills me that I can't reply and have to move on, lets see how that goes eh?! I think I've cried every day since I found out, this morning I cried the whole way to work and then managed to pull myself together just as I arrived, I've been good all day, despite being rather angry and mardy, I wouldn't even want to be around myself at the moment, in fact I'd kill to be as far away from my head as possible, I know I have to walk away but that's a big connection to walk away from, I can do it, I will do it but there is still going to be that little part of me that thinks 'what if' and waits for his name on my phone, to be fair I'm not sure that moment will ever come. I know it's all bad, why would I even want to be with someone like that? I don't! I know I'd never trust him and I know that we can't live like that but it doesn't stop me wanting to feel that level of chemistry again and have a man in my life that is able to get into my head. I always thought I liked holding all the cards, thats how my relationships normally go but actually to lose all control felt amazing, although when you do lose all control you know where it leads? Here, right here to this girl who is an emotional wreck, can't concentrate on what she is doing and can do nothing but think of a man that doesn't want her, what a shitty little life for a 38 year old. On the other hand I have no end of offers of dates but to be honest my head isn't in the right place, so I think I should really avoid it currently. I saw Prince Harry last week, I'll catch you up on that later.

Wednesday, 10 August 2016

The weekend is coming..................

And unusually for a weekend I'm feeling far more aprehensive about it than I am looking forward to it, my stomach is already in knots and I have three whole days to get through before I see him. I'm hoping that when I look at him I don't feel anything other than 'you lying wanker' I'm hoping I don't feel what I have when we have met, or when we have talked, we will see I guess.

I still need to find something to wear and it looks like it's now going to be cold, which isn't going to help me! So this week has been one of mixed emotions, I guess I shouldn't have expected any more really, I hope Saturday draws a line under it all but will it?

 So, I got message from Prince Harry again this week, he'd messaged me last week saying he was back for a night and did I want to go over, I said no, I was in a state emotionally anyway so the timing would have been bad, Monday I got another one, saying he was back for the day, I said no again, Tuesday I got another one, and all that popped into my head was 'fuck it, why not' so I went over.

Just as I was about to leave I checked my facebook, only to have a suggested friend of, guess who?

So, he'd unblocked me, I guess to look at my friends list, which isn't visible, I worried about what he could see, so logged out and looked, I saw that all he could see was a couple of my profile photos and cover photos, so I was ok with that. Couldn't quite work it out though and he wormed his way back into my thoughts with the 'what's he playing at' checked hers, still 'in a relationship with' weird, just weird.

So saw Prince Harry, he's much nicer in person than he is by message, I'm not sure that he realises how he comes across in his messages, it was a nice evening, he spent it telling me how sexy I am, that that I'm amazing and my touch renders him useless, all nice things to hear but it makes you wonder how someone else can't see it doesn't it? Apparently he's very impressed with what I can do with my tongue, my clothes remained on at all times, I wasn't about to make a stupid mistake because my head wasn't in the right place, it was a welcome distraction to be honest, although HE was still in the back of my mind all of the time I was there.

I am TOTALLY confused.



Monday, 8 August 2016

Thinking about thinking.....................

I had a great day out at racing with my boys at the weekend, the sun shone, race fuel smelt amazing and I was around people that should genuinely be prescribed on the NHS for depression. I still thought of him but definitely less than I have done, mainly because we were having a nice time I think. I made some decisions on Friday, that I was going to message him today giving him two options, option a was that he meets me on Saturday when I am in Chester to discuss things, option b was that I send his non girlfriend, girlfriend copies of his Tinder profile and every message that he ever sent me. including the one of his lying on her bed with his hand down his pants telling me he was 'ready and waiting' so this morning at 10:30 that's exactly what I did, I also gave him a two hour deadline to respond, which I thought was fair. He read the message straight away and I got a message back within minutes saying that he was off work on Friday and could meet me then if that helped. I responded saying that I was only there for the day Saturday and it needed to be before I left so he said he finished work at 4:30/5 which would fit in with what I'm doing so I said that was fine, I asked that he find somewhere to meet and it wasn't a pub, he asked if I was going to throw a pint over him and I said I don't believe in wasting alcohol but that I wanted to be able to talk to him without anyone over hearing or having to watch what I say (I swear a lot at the best of times) I then suggested that we meet in another forest so that I wouldn't have to drag his body too far, I'm only half joking to be honest, I'd quite like him dead.......... Do I feel better? No, but I hope I will. In an ideal world I'll see him on Saturday and due to the lies and deception I'll feel nothing for him and be able to walk away with my head held high and the answers I need. I'm not really sure what the questions are yet though but I have a few days. I now have a little dilemma for Saturday, I'm going to be stewarding all day so it's an early morning, followed by a long drive, followed by a long day where my head and body will both be worked, I then have to be ready to see him in half an hour and I want to look great, I want to walk away and him to think 'fuck' I screwed that one up! Not really sure how I'm going to pull that one off but I'll try. Now, I've lost a bit of weight recently, just under two stone in 16 weeks but suddenly everyone is noticing and keep telling me how great I look, one of the Directors I work for emailed me last week and told me I was 'looking well yesterday and must have had a good holiday' I was a little embarrassed, responding thank you and that I'd only been to Stoke, his response was that I am a 'fine recommendation for Stoke' I wore a Black Dress to work today and one of the girls I work with (the only one that know's the situation) said that she thinks I look amazing and ought to go in this on Saturday, it's been a week full of compliments which is nice but there is still that nagging feeling at the back of my mind that I'm not good enough (for him) I guess. I've been talking to my old school friend today (that asks me to have his baby) he says that he doesn't appreciate what he's missing and he's nuts, in fact I think a lot of the boys think he is, oh what happens when they lob a chemistry set at you, if only it happened with some of the decent guys I know.

Friday, 5 August 2016

As I sit here.................................

At my desk I wonder if his Dad would be proud of his cowardly actions after what he has done, if I had a child I'd not be proud of them cheating on their girlfriend but I would understand them trying to find love if they were unhappy (if that is the case!) I'd not be proud of them for not facing up to how their actions have hurt people, or to find out that they had spent three months talking to someone about moving to be with them, or had the marriage and babies conversation on date two or to have spent months referring to them as 'the wife' and asking them not to send the divorce papers and not to walk away. I'd not be proud of them for purposely hurting someone when they'd had the chance not too and I'd be even less proud of them for running away from it once they had been found out, instead of being a man and dealing with it. I'm so massively disappointed and I'm disappointed with myself for letting someone do this to me.

Thursday, 4 August 2016

Nothing...............

The last message I got from him was Wednesday, I didn't reply but to be fair it wasn't really a question, I've heard nothing since, the silence is deafening, I can honestly say it's driving me bonkers, I've been better the last couple of days but I am still checking my phone all the time waiting for a message (that I can't see coming) I'm going to respond tomorrow, I don't think anyone thought I would get to three days, not even me. I know it will get better, not a days gone by yet where I've not sobbed about it, it seems so unfair, I meet him finally and he's got a girlfriend, the silence seems weird after speaking to him every day for the last three months, I'm very confused, I thought he'd at least try a little harder, i honestly don't know what is wrong with me, I hate to think how many dates I've been on with nothing there, no fireworks, no chemistry, then on a Friday night in a service station car park he's standing in front of me, more chemistry than a meth lab, boom, he got into my head, almost straight away I wanted to see him again, three months of chatting, two amazing dates and then the girlfriend, I honestly still can't believe what has happened. My overwhelming feeling is still of sadness, sadness for what could have been.

Wednesday, 3 August 2016

I've still not decided................

whether I should walk away with my head held high or tell her, the more (or less even!) that I hear from him the more I think he's lying and the more I think he's lying the more I think she should know.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be devastated to be on the other end of it, I have been and I know it's awful, I found out after we split but I'm sure I'd not have suffered like I did if I'd had known, I'm sure I'd have walked away more easily had I known that W@nk Bag had slept with someone else, when we spilt I asked him to leave (on Valentines Day) because I knew deep down that he didn't love me (I don't think in nearly five years together he loved me and I'm not sure that it's an emotion that he is capable of) I loved him, with my heart and soul and still today it hurts, I think that's the reason that I hate him like I do.

I wish someone had told me, which is why I feel that I should tell someone else. the more I think about it, the more I think that he's probably a serial liar, I looked back through his messages last night, there are probably 20 odd different messages where he refers to me as 'the wife' or 'his wife' talks about me moving up there (there would be the possibility with my job as my boss is moving about half an hour away from him) the future, things we can do togther, he led me a merry dance and since he realised I knew I've heard hardly anything, it's a tough, tough situation.

I've had people at work asking if I'm ill, saying I look sad (if I'm honest sad is the overwhelming feeling in all of this, I've cried on the way to work each day and sobbed my way home too, I'm not much of a sobber if I'm honest but it seems to be the way this time, I let someone in my head and this is where it took me again, life feels a little unfair and I feel selfish for feeling like that when I know that people in the world have it so much worse than me!

Tuesday, 2 August 2016

The Storm came in.......................

He phoned me on the way back from the garage, his signal kept going though so we didn't get to talk.

He then phoned me back later in the evening, I got two minutes before he had to go as there was someone at the door (yeah I bet there was) so I never got to ask. 

I waited and waited and waited for him to call but he didn't, on Friday morning I sent him a message saying 'I think I've found something of yours, seems you forgot about it'

I knew he'd think it was the divorce papers photo that I send him fairly regularly, he responded with a photo of my cleavage, I was fairly outraged when that came back if I'm honest, for one that isn't his and for two how very dare he!! 

So I responded with a screenshot of her FB page including her in a relationship with him and a comment saying 'I was thinking more of this'

He then responded saying he had would call me after he'd finished this counselling thing that I knew about following his Dad's death, I waited and waited and waited again, I finally got in the shower and got out to a missed call, I called him back and he didn't answer, he finally called me back. 

My heart literally jumped into my mouth
He tried niceties, I said they weren't relevant and it was time to explain himself. 
He told me that before we had met he had told her that he didn't love her or want to be with her anymore, I asked how far he had intended on taking things with me, he said that he had nearly told me on date two but had bottled it and that he was going to tell me when we were supposed to meet that day but it obviously hadn't happened, I don't know if I believe him about that if I'm honest. 
So I asked if she was his lodger, he said yes, that it was his house but she had paid for a lot of things so they needed to sort out money etc, again I don't know if I believe him. 

He apologised but in my honest opinion not enough, he said that although he regretted not telling me he didn't regret the time we'd spent together (that makes one of us!) as it was some of the best time he's spent in ages and the only time he'd not spent being upset over his Dad. 

My head has literally been spinning ever since, I meet someone that I can finally see a future with and it ends like this, he has a girlfriend!

I don't know that I shouldn't tell her to be honest, he's told me since that the spent the weekend trying to sort out finances etc but I just don't believe him anymore, he's been quiet since he's been found out, I don't think I'd be quiet if I was genuinely sorry, or if I'd met someone that I thought was a bit special, maybe that's the problem. 

He has told me that the chemistry wasn't one sided and he'd felt it too, the thing is now I guess that he could say anything, it doesn't matter to him anymore. 

While he was on the phone I told him that anytime I think I'm going to make a twattish decision I ask myself if it would have made my Granddad proud of me (I literally loved him with all my heart and he died when I was just 8, some 30 years ago! I think of him more than ever when I'm hurting and boy am I hurting!) He went silent when I said it, I don't think he knew what to say he told me that he had never thought of it like that, that no his Dad wouldn't have been proud of him for what he's done, he said that in actual fact his Dad would have kicked his arse for it, I told him that my Gramp would have kicked his arse for it too. (I was his little Princess, I think that's why I carry on my search for Mr Perfect, because in actual fact no one will ever match up to that image I have of the only real man I've ever had in my life) 

He's mentioned that a few times since, he's said he just can't get it out of his head, I guess that's good. 

When we spoke by text yesterday he said that he was sorry for getting me involved in all this and that our chat had really helped with his thinking, I told him that our little chat had actually taken up three months of my fucking life, he said that he didn't realise it had been that long and his head is muddled, it seems to be all about him, however he is the one that set out to deceive, lie and hurt me, I didn't know about any of it, I would have never even bothered to meet him if I had. 

I do wonder if he is only answering me so I don't tell her what he's been doing, do I want to tell her? I don't know is the honest answer, part of me does, partly to hurt her, partly to try and make me feel better and partly because if I was in her situation I would want to know if I was in her situation. 

I think what he has done is so much worse than going out and shagging someone, that isn't premeditated and doesn't mean an emotional connection or deceiving someone for months at a time. 

I'm angry with myself, I can't work out if I've missed the signs, I can't work out if maybe there weren't any signs, I don't believe he's staying at his Mum's as he says and not living with her, she put a post up on Sunday on Instagram but it was more of a 'you've annoyed me' than 'I'm splitting up with my boyfriend' 

I spoke to a friend over the weekend, she just went 'you've fallen haven't you' I couldn't say yes, I can't bring myself to but that chemistry doesn't happen often for me. 

Baggage Boy has also been calling every day, he say's he's worried about me as I'm never one to get bothered over a guy, I think this will make me even worse than normal, do I actually ask if they have a girlfriend now?

Is that how life needs to work?