Saturday..................

Saturday came and I got up extra early so I could straighten my hair!! I'd decided what I was wearing and packed on Friday night to try and reduce the stress. I went for denim shorts and a t-shirt to wear to the show so I wouldn't be hot and bothered all day, packed my make up bag etc for later. Just arriving in Chester made me feel phsically sick and I wondered if I was doing the right thing, I knew I had to go. I arrived at the show and as I walked in my judge for the day said 'don't you look lovely and chic today' I felt like I was onto a winner! We had a lovely day but I have to admit to being somewhat distracted, my head was completely off, I kept thinking about what I wanted to say and know but my mind was completely blank. We finished up and I went to get changed, I had chosen a black dress, just above the knee that fitted really well and showed off just enough cleavage, I only really do minimal makeup at the best of times, so a bit of powder, bronzer, mascara and lipstick and I was ready, if a bag of nerves, he told me he was at the pub and I made my way to meet him, I was literally a bag of nerves and still not sure what to expect or what I wanted to say. I pulled up and spotted his car, then gathered myself up and made my way into the garden, where he was sitting with drinks for us both. I didn't feel the pull that I had last time we met but I think things were different then, I sat down and we started talking, even writing this now I don't know what I expected, I think I wanted to hate him, sadly I didn't. He is insistant that they aren't together, do I believe it? I'm really not sure if I'm honest. I had in my head we'd talk for about half hour and I'd go, I left three hours later, I had this overwhelming urge to touch him but to be honest that's what got us here I guess, I kept it in check, we even laughed at some points. I got a brilliant joke in, I told him that next time he picks someone to mess about with he should go for someone not very clever, joking that he picked a girl that had either an NVQ in Childcare or Beauty Therapy, the look on his face said it all, so I asked 'which one is she' childcare was the answer, I laughed a lot at this, none of this is by any means her fault but even if just for a minute or two it made me feel better. He said how bad he felt, he never meant to hurt me, he'd just wanted someone to talk to and had never thought it would go as far as it did or he's meet someone he had so much in common with. I called him the C word a few times, plus a few other choice words. He walked me back to the car, he wanted to give me a hug but I was frozen in his arms, I didn't want to walk away, it was the last thing in the world I wanted, even after everything, I excused myself as I felt the tears coming, said goodbye and got in the car, as soon as I shut the door the tears flowed, which I was ok with, until a minute later he knocked on the window. He'd said earlier that he had some cider for me to try (I like cider) he was at the window with it, I didn't make eye contact, said a muffled thank you and made my move, the tears came down like a flood, I sobbed the whole three hours home, I must have got caught in every bit of diversion and road works the whole way and I was a mess, more upset than even I had imagined, I had wanted to feel nothing but I didn't. I got home to a message from him, asking if I'd got home ok, I replied that I had. That was it, until the next day, when browsing on Facebook and I noticed her profile missing, I'd been blocked, I thought it must have been him, to be fair a silly move in the mood I'm in, he doesn't want to push me, I sent him a mesage, 'oh dear, oh dear' he said it wasn't him and that he'd got a strange message from her in the week about his messages going to other places, he thought she'd seen some on his Ipad, I thought about it for a bit, as far as I was aware you couldn't get Whatsapp on Ipad (I'd tried in the past) but it turns out you can now, I'm not sure I can believe she blocked me, if it was me in her position, I'd not be blocking me, I'd be finding out what was going on. He said he was going to talk to her to see what she meant about the messages, I said I looked forward to hearing his explanation and then went to bed. He'd sent me a message asking if I was in tears in the car, I'd ignored it, I didn't really want to talk about it. On Monday morning I was sitting at my desk as my phone rang, it was him, he said it was easier to ring than message, he said he thinks she'd seen the messages about us meeting up on Saturday but he deletes his messages so she'd not have seen much more, I quipped that in his position I guess you would delete things. He said he appreciated I needed an explanation but that he didn't want to ask anymore questions as he wanted to keep things amicable between them and get money etc sorted out, I said that if I were her I'd be planning his hanging right now or that I'd have been in that pub garden waiting on Saturday to see what was going on. I explanined that he could block me from what he wants but if I want to tell her the only way he will stop me is to put her on a remote island with no internet or post and no way in or out, he said he had no doubt that if I wanted to do something I would, he's right. He said he needed to ask me something, he asked about the tears again, I said yes, I had been in tears, it's all been very stressful and had I not cared I would have just walked away at the first sign of a girlfriend and yes, I was emotional, I could hear his voice go, as he apologised and said he never meant to hurt me and that I didn't deserve what he had done, we got off the phone before the tears flowed once more. We had a bit of a text conversation yesterday but he sent the last message and I know however much it kills me that I can't reply and have to move on, lets see how that goes eh?! I think I've cried every day since I found out, this morning I cried the whole way to work and then managed to pull myself together just as I arrived, I've been good all day, despite being rather angry and mardy, I wouldn't even want to be around myself at the moment, in fact I'd kill to be as far away from my head as possible, I know I have to walk away but that's a big connection to walk away from, I can do it, I will do it but there is still going to be that little part of me that thinks 'what if' and waits for his name on my phone, to be fair I'm not sure that moment will ever come. I know it's all bad, why would I even want to be with someone like that? I don't! I know I'd never trust him and I know that we can't live like that but it doesn't stop me wanting to feel that level of chemistry again and have a man in my life that is able to get into my head. I always thought I liked holding all the cards, thats how my relationships normally go but actually to lose all control felt amazing, although when you do lose all control you know where it leads? Here, right here to this girl who is an emotional wreck, can't concentrate on what she is doing and can do nothing but think of a man that doesn't want her, what a shitty little life for a 38 year old. On the other hand I have no end of offers of dates but to be honest my head isn't in the right place, so I think I should really avoid it currently. I saw Prince Harry last week, I'll catch you up on that later.