Twats in Tinfoil........

Does Prince Charming really exist, or are they just twats in tinfoil?

I went over on Sunday to take some photos of his car for a magazine, we walked out to greet me, kissed me (properly) cuddled me, we laughed, had a nice time and then he sort of changed, said he was tired, it was a little uncomfortable so I made my excuses and left, he text to make sure I'd got home, I was a little bit disillusioned so I didn't respond. He sent me a good morning and four more messages, I didn't respond, I intended to but I didn't want to say something I might regret. I replied that evening, although my message was a little vague.

We had some messages on Tuesday and I called him on Tues evening once I'd got over it a bit, normal conversation, I'm not very good at not knowing where I stand, games isn't really my thing (which he knows)

I was away for work on Weds and Thurs, Weds I heard nothing, so after a night out with work and a bottle or so of wine I sent a message saying I didn't know how to deal with him being so on and off, I got a response the following morning, saying he'd been ill and had a lot going on with work, sorry for putting it on me.

I thought about it and I knew that really I shouldn't respond, it wouldn't help, wouldn't stop him being flaky but on Friday I was out and something made me giggle and think of him, so I responded, a few more messages but eventually I said I didn't want to put him under anymore pressure as he's under a lot of it with work. I said I'd had a nice time with him and pretty much goodbye. He responded saying he'd had a nice time with me too and 'will arrange something soon' two days in and i've not responded, it's taken a hell of a lot for me not to message him.

I've spent a lot of my weekend with sporadic tears (like I am now!)  ive tried so hard this time to not hide my feelings and put the walls up around my heart, which isn't me at all and look where it's got me, my heart hurts and so does my pride, I know it will get better but I miss him being around, I guess you kind of get you to someone when you are speaking to them most days for months at a time?

I don't want to do it again, twice I've messed up this year.

I spent a long time in the car on Thursday, I can still envisage the day that I watched my big love walk out the door for the last time nearly five years ago, I can still feel my heart hurting and I never want to feel like that ever again, I think this is the closest i've felt to anyone for a while now, I feel stupid for letting it happen, ive checked my phone a stupid amount of times, I'm desperate to see a message but realistically I know I won't, he's not been on tinder in four days, finally met someone that makes him not need it? Or the ex back on the scene? I so wish I knew, would it make me feel better? Who knows?

I don't want to face people at the moment, I don't want them to ask, I don't want to have to talk, I want to shut myself away and not inflict my misery on anyone else! I don't think it helps that I hate this time of year.

I ordered him an acrylic block of one of the car prints that looked really good, I'm still going to send it, my friend says im too nice but I don't think that you should stop being nice for anyone, I do think if we were all a bit nicer the world would be a better place, I honestly try hard to be nice, I send friends that are having rough times presents, do things for charity and generally try to make myself a better person. If I'd not ordered it I wouldn't have after this but I did, I don't want it, I can't send it back, I was going to post it anyway, it was a 'your having a rough time present' not for Christmas.

Does it make me soft? Maybe. I don't think many people would say that about me.

I've cancelled the dating sites, I just don't think I can go through all this again, the 100 dates to get one that you like only for that to not work out when you think it might, to have what you think is happy within your grasp and then for it to disappear out of sight.

I'm done!

It never got better............

So, no good morning, I sent a message giving a nudge and wishing him luck as he was seeing his boss that he hates, he replied saying he was having a bad day.

We got back to the subject, he said he 'needs to spend time answering it correctly that's all' well that was before 2, still heard nothing but it's Gym night tonight.

I eventually got a long response, he agreed with me and said he wants is to continue getting to know me better and he'd never met anyone that had made him laugh so much or that he'd felt more comfortable with.

I guess I still felt it was a bit of a cop out but I took it and responded saying I was happy with taking things slowly but if we were going to carry on I felt we needed to make time for eachother and not have anyone else involved.

Conversation resumed to normal.

They say life is a roller coaster..........

They aren't lying!

Baggage boy arrived back from working away on Thursday, I got a message as soon as he landed and I called him when I finished work, we talked for half an hour, it started as a rather weird conversation, he told me how his ex had been telling him how much of an arsehole he was, I asked and he gave more details, still found it a bit weird though. 

That was that, on the Friday I got the usual Morning message and then a call as I left work, we spoke for about an hour, he asked if I'd go over and take some photo's of his car which I said yes to, I spoke to his little boy on the phone and he told me what they were doing for the weekend, at the end of the conversation he asked if I wanted to go over on Sunday, which I said yes to. 

We spoke by text on Sat and I went over on Sunday evening, expecting him to ask me to photograph the car, part of me thought that's why he'd invited me to be honest, I got there armed with camera, we talked about photographing the car but doing it that night wasn't mentioned. 

The moon looked amazing and I mentioned it as I walked in, he said we should go out for a look and we went up into the Forest, it was freezing but really nice, we went for dinner on the way back (he insisted on paying again, saying I'd travelled over there) I'm not going to parents for Christmas, it's a long story but he said about me going to his parents with him and for the first time I wasn't totally horrified by the idea. 

As we were having dinner he told me a story about his family that sounded rather far fetched, so he called his Dad to ask him to tell me the story, which he did, although he did say 'I'm out for dinner with a friend' I guess that makes alarm bells ring a little? His Dad told me the story and to have a nice meal when we said goodbye. 

We went back to his and cuddled up on the sofa in front of a movie, it was lovely, my hands were still freezing from the star gazing so he put them just down his trousers, he said that was the hottest part! 

He was telling me how he had a great view of my amazing cleavage!

It was lovely, perfect evening, towards the end he asked if I was thinking the same as him, I asked what that was and he said that he was torn between us being friends as we get on so well and wanting to get it further, I said that we get on so well that I almost thought it was a shame not to take it further, about two minutes later he kissed me and it went from there, it all got a bit heated although we never had sex. 

After I said well that's friends fucked them to which he laughed, more kissing continued before I left for home, eeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkk'ing all the way. 

He sent me a 'Morning' on Monday and phoned Monday evening, on Tuesday he called but I was out with friends so called him back later, his words were 'I'm in the car with my Mum' to which I answered 'oh' his Mum started laughing as I was on the phone saying 'no swearing, no abuse' to which she was laughing, we didn't talk for long but all three of us were laughing on the phone, it was nice and felt normal. Messages carried on into the evening. 

Good Morning came again today and messages of his little boy at the Nativity, the new camera he'd brought, I need a hug messages, I spoke to him after work, he was a little distant on the phone but I wasn't too concerned, things have been going so well, I can't remember the last time I was this happy, he literally makes me smile almost constantly, people at work are even commenting on it.

I noticed he'd been on Tinder a bit which bothered me, I've kind of decided you only log in regularly when you are talking to someone. 

I guess it had to be done, so I sent a message asking him if he is currently chatting to or dating someone else, he replied really quickly saying he was on 'them' but not gone on any dates, why, I responded saying it was useful to know where things were, to which he replied yes without doubt. 

I then replied saying that I think we are at the point where if we are to carry things on we should be doing it without Tinder etc, as yet there is no response. 

'Them' had made me think so I did a POF search (handy when you have their postcode!) and lo and behold he's on there, I think one of the photo's is from his trip to Greece (we'd had two dates by then) and one is the photo he sent to me of him and his little boy at his first Judo lesson. 

Personally I don't think I'll get one and I think it's a massive shame. 

He told me last night that he'd told his Mum that I make him laugh all the time, we get on great, there is obviously chemistry, I'm seriously thinking it's time to give up on finding my Prince, I don't think they exist anymore and I have to say that makes me terribly, terribly sad, I've spent the last 20 years of my life trying to not find Mr Perfect but Mr Perfect to me and I just don't think he's out there, this is my second bad experience with men in the last 6 months, both due to them not being able to do something without there being other people involved.

It seems as soon as I like someone this is what happens for me, maybe I'm just not meant to be lucky in love, it hurts. 

Baggage Boy.......

Baggage Boy appeared in my life courtesy of Tinder on the 7th October he appeared with 'How u doing? I looked at his profile and thought he looked alright, really nice in some of his pics, not so nice in others. I responded and we went on for some time chatting on Tinder on a pretty much daily basis. 

I didn't realise until recently that he'd actually asked me out on there a few times but I'd pretty much ignored him, I'm not really sure I know why to be honest, he'd also given me his number but I'd not used it. 

I was away for a few days on a conference with work on the 20th and 21st October and the wifi was rubbish so I sent him my number, within minutes a text appeared and we carried on talking. I left to come home and when I got home the phone rang, it was him, it's quite rare these days for a man to pick up the phone from online dating and I was pleasantly surprised, we had a nice chat for about half an hour, we'd both had rubbish days and both felt we'd cheered each other up. 

Baggage Boy is called that because he has been married twice and has a son, who is now four, he has also been ill recently.

This carried on, talking and texting everyday, we planned to meet for a date on November First, however on the Friday he went quiet, I was actually a little upset as we'd got on so well, I had a couple of texts but I felt that the tone had changed. The date never happened. 

I left it and he rang on the Thursday evening, saying he'd been ill and hadn't moved, I thought it was time to sort it so asked if we were going to meet up, we agreed to meet up on the Sunday, I wanted to have a look at camera's and he lives near a big shopping centre, so decided I should go to his and we'd go from there, as parking is a nightmare. 

After the last episode I expected to be fobbed off, Sunday morning came and I got a message asking what time I was coming over, he asked me if I could make it earlier as he had the Dr's at 3, I was really nervous as I wasn't prepared as I'd not expected it to happen. 

I travelled over to his and as soon as we met it felt like we'd known each other for ages, we had a good giggle walking around and ended up in the pub, he asked if I would go to Dr's with him so we could carry on after but that turned to be a bit of a disaster and I went home, we spoke that evening and he said how much he'd enjoyed himself and didn't want it to end, I'd very unusually felt the same, before the date had finished he'd asked if I wanted to do something the following week, to which I'd said yes. 

The week very much carried on in the same vein, daily calls and texts and on Saturday I got a call to say he'd pick me up and we'd go from here, massive cleaning commenced, I don't know if you know this but I breed cats, I have five and have a litter of six kittens, he knew that but I think 11 pairs of eyes staring at him was still a bit of a surprise 'there are a lot of them' he said, he did great, played and cuddled them and then we went out, with the intention of the cinema but we actually went for dinner (me going for dinner, I know, amazing) we had a lovely time, many giggles again and ended back at his for an hour, before he brought me home, we had a little kiss too. 

The week carried on as before again, until Friday, when he went quiet, I knew I wouldn't see him as he was away the following week and then off to Greece for 9 days with work (where he is now) the silence prevailed until Monday when he rang to say he'd managed to get the phone stuck in the car and had had to have it dismantled in order to get it back, he was due to go to Greece on the Weds, we talked for an hour and a half and it was normal, same again on the Tuesday and then he went to Greece, day one was good, got a message to say he'd arrived safely and then more messages in the evening and the same yesterday, I even got one saying 'miss ya' 

We now need to see what happens, I like him, he say's he likes me but boys are different these days, they seem to gain and lose interest at the drop of a hat, I would love to see him again, will it happen? Probably not! 

A little about him, he's 6'2 (my perfect height) well built, a Judo Black Belt, does Gymnastics (imagine the body!) dark hair, cute, decent job, lives alone (apart from when he has the four year old) and makes me laugh a lot and maybe my heart race a little. 

Lets see if this one brings anything further, it's almost unheard of for me to want to go to date three, chances are it won't happen! It's nearly 8 and I've not heard from him yet today, will he be able to not annoy me this time? I've got a rather emotional weekend coming up, which he know's about, will he be there like he says? Lets see......

Mr Nearly There

I was 17, he was 20, I was young and naive and fell for him on sight, he had a girlfriend but he didn't seem to think that mattered.

We met through mutual friends and spent a lot of time together, I can't remember how it started, he said he liked me from the moment we met and had my number off his mate in minutes. 

We spent every possible moment together, he'd pick me up to go to the pub, drop me off last, his days off were spent with me, he'd often phone into my evening job sick so we could have some extra time together. 

He always knew how to get to me, it went on for a couple of years I think but we never slept together, I think I was worried about being hurt (sound any different to now?) We were always being disturbed, generally by our mutual friends (a good thing maybe!) so much so that we used to go and lose ourselves in some special little places, one with my lovely dog, that he also adored and another was a pub that we could hide at with no one to find us, we had some blissful afternoons and evenings. 

He had this amazing way of calming me down (although I'm not saying that he wasn't often the one that got me to boiling point) he used to cuddle me so tight that I couldn't move until he felt me relax, it worked, he's the only person that's ever really been able to bring me down when I'm at rage stage, I could have done with him last Monday! 

One day I was ill and he walked from his house (a few miles away) in the snow with a bottle of lucozade and spent the day snuggled up on the sofa with me, we really did have some lovely times together but he did have a girlfriend, that he lived with, I'd not have asked him at any point to leave and I don't think we talked about it, did I want him to? I honestly can't remember, I do remember liking him a hell of a lot though! 

Well he's kind of come back on the scene or not, though the too soon thing (hmmm, that's far too nice to call him now!) his friend thought that I must have chucked a drink over him at some point (he did have an amazing way of pushing my buttons and rubbing me up the wrong way!) so I asked him (we've been FB friends for years and exchange the occasional email) he said no but he remembered me smashing a pool cue over his back and smacking his head into a mirror tiled wall, I'm pleased to say that my temper has got better as I've got older, I used to be much more fire!

He keeps telling me how much he'd like to see me but I don't want to mess with someone's husband, I think it would end up leaving me feeling empty, I wouldn't want it done to me and I will stay strong.

I've always had quite a soft spot for him, in a way I'd like to see if anything was still there but realistically I know it's a really bad idea! 

I'm off men!

Yes still!

Since the drink over the head thing I've had another set back, we hadn't even met yet, I'll write about him when I've got some more time.

I don't think it's meant to be, I do think I'm meant to be on my own and I cant believe I'm saying this but I would actually like someone in my life at the moment.

The blast from the last is still in regular touch and wants to visit.

Uniform is still around in small amounts.

Life goes on.......

.......................but I'm still reeling. 

I have no idea why things have hit me so hard, my confidence has taken a bit of a battering, I think it's probably just bad timing, work's been busy and hard work (especially some people) I can't stop beating myself up about missing the signs, I'm sure they were all there but I seem to have been totally blindsided on this one. 

I want to stop myself but I can't, I didn't even go out this weekend, I'm totally shattered and could sleep all day, I think the old depression is creeping in, I'm feeling fairly run down, I'm still so annoyed at myself and I can't help punishing myself with what if's, I wish it would stop. 

Last Monday as I got home he was pulling into the next road (yes he was going there) and I hit the red mist stage rather quickly, so badly that I had to get myself out of the house to stop myself doing something stupid, I feel like such a bloody idiot I really do and I still have to face him at some point in the future, at times like this I just want to move away! 

I've been in touch with a blast from my past, I'm not sure if he's been mentioned on here yet, he's from 20 years ago so I'll catch you up on him soon. 

We've still got the normal dating site men messaging but to be honest I'm really off of the whole idea of the male species at the moment, I seem to have no luck at all with them, seems if there were 100 men in a room and one was an arse I'd pick him out first I'm sure I would. 

Done up like a kipper!!!!!!!

Had a few more messages, it was his birthday on Wednesday so I wished him Happy Birthday, he said he wasn't doing anything and then I spoke to him on messenger in the evening, he said he'd had a shit day, he said he'd been asking me out for weeks and that there was playing hard to get and then there was taking the piss. He asked me out for dinner and finally I said yes.

Friday came and I was looking forward to seeing him, got to the pub early, I'd noticed something a day or so before, that he'd liked a load of things by a particular person, then she walked in, I obviously wondered on that, he arrived, said hi and then pretty much ignored me for the rest of the night, a friend of mine arrived that I've not seen for ages, she spent a lot if the evening talking to him but then I didn't think twice about that, he's best mates with the father of her youngest.

I sent him a message asking what had changed, no reply but he kept looking over, his Mum and Dad were there and spoke but they were quite keen on leaving early.

Next time I saw him I took the opportunity to ask him what his problem was, he said I'd made myself clear on Sunday that I didn't want him, I said I thought we'd spoken on Wednesday, it turned into a full on row where he was saying I wasn't interested and I was trying to explain the situation, he tried to walk away from me, he's quite a big bloke but I still grabbed his arm and made him stay at the bar, he commented that I must have muscles.

Then the friend came to the bar and asked why I was looking at her like that, I explained that I wasn't looking at her like anything, then the penny dropped and I said ' you too' yes she says, he'd been talking to her (I don't know what else) said he'd take her and her kids on holiday etc, so there were three of us in the pub, all being played. She and I walked into the garden where he was and he looked at us both and said 'I don't care' he handed his drink to a friend, I took it out of her hand and poured it over her head, much to the amusement of half of the pub, apparently he wasn't impressed!

Then she went home with him, what a mug!!!

I was fairly upset because I'd been made a fool of, I don't let anyone get close (not that he had) so I was in tears but out of anger at myself more than anything, his mate was lovely (the one that likes me) and I ended up staying at his (not like that) he slept on the sofa and spent the night telling me it wasn't my fault and I had no reason to know what was going on, I explained that I just feel stupid, I'm normally so switched on to these things, what a fool!!!!

Too Soon is far too much of a nice name for him!

Sunday

Sunday came and we were both due to be out again, we sat in the garden and he came and sat with us for a bit, he was telling my friend about Saturday and shopping, he left with his friends and we were meeting again later at the other village local where I see another friend of mine on a Sunday, I got a message from him asking if I was still coming down and if I wanted him to give me a lift, I said I'd be fine and walk down, I'm glad I did as I walked in and his parents were there, I was a little embarrassed to say the least, he came and joined me at the bar, we got paired up for skittles and when they said our names he said how nice it sounded and when I was trying to read my star sign he said he could tell me what my week was going to be like! He kept asking when I'd let him take me for dinner and dropped to my friend (that knew nothing) that we'd been shopping, it wasn't until later that she asked where I'd been on the Saturday and commented that he'd been to the same place!

Anyway, I fronted saying hello to the parents and making polite conversation, all the time wondering whether they knew anything or not.

We walked back to mine with the two people that normally walk me home and he came in, where he was telling me how much he liked me, I told him that I very much felt it was too soon for him and that I didn't want to get hurt, get cold feet easily (he told me to put socks on!) and that I felt he was rushing in, he disagrees totally and says it's over, he's never going back and he likes me so why should he wait, which I half get and half don't!

He went home saying it was up to me and maybe I ought to call him when I thought he should be ready, I spent the whole of Monday feeling miserable because he'd left with a face like a kicked puppy.

I went for dinner with my friend in the evening, she's known him all of their lives and said I should think sod everyone and what they think if I like him, again she has a point but it would without a doubt come with some shit!

She said one of the young lads that was out said about how much chemistry there was between us and that it wouldn't have been hard for his Mum and Dad to work it out as he'd been next to me from the moment I'd walked in, she also said that she'd never seen him quiet and shy before and it was quite sweet, you know me, I'm a nightmare, we'll see if he makes the next update in my discombobulated little world!

I got a message while we were at dinner, just a smiley face and a load of kisses.

She asked me if I found him attractive and I said that honestly I don't to look at but there is obviously something there (quite possibly smell)  I'm still not sure what to do if I'm honest, I am scared of being hurt and I do honestly think it's too soon for him and I'm not sure I really want to get involved in it all if I'm honest.

A Too Soon Catch Up......

We'd been to a Beer Festival on the Sunday after the smelly Friday, I'd driven so had dropped my car and Uniform off (he's not emigrating and was at my side from the moment we walked in) and walked down to one of the locals, my friend wanted to get some chips and as we turned the corner she spotted his car as we turned the corner, he was in the Indian, I knocked on the window, he came out 'you look nice, where have you been' I was only wearing a black maxi dress but it does look nice. I said we were heading down the local and he said it was empty.

It was empty when we walked in and I sent him an FB message saying he was right but it had got busier when we walked in, he replied saying I looked very nice and I should have invited him, the conversations continued, with a bit of flirting thrown in, he said that he'd not been drunk on the Friday and I was an amazing kisser.

He was quite blatant and said he is interested in me, he'd like the chance to impress me etc, I said I think jumping into something is too soon but he disagrees.

That brought us to Friday, we were both going to be out, I had made a bit of an effort, wearing a dress with my hair straightened, a smile and hello as we walked past but that was all, we joined them a bit later and he was very obvious in front of everyone, at one point he was telling my friend how he'd opened an internet dating account and he'd seen someone he really liked on there, he was staring at me, I have to admit to being mortally embarrassed but he pretty much knew my whole profile off by heart and said he'd come out with the intention of telling me to give it a try or we'd leave it but he'd set eyes on me and it all went out of the window.

My friend was telling me I should give it a go (with prompting from him) and he asked what I was doing the following day, I said nothing and he asked me to go shopping with him, which I agreed to.

His best mate was also telling me how much he liked me but that he'd be a bad bet and that I should go for him instead (that was all a bit of a surprise!) he also kissed me in front of his Aunty which was a little awkward to say the least but we'd both had quite a lot to drink and these things happen.

He walked me home and stayed but apart from kidding and cuddling nothing happened, it had got a bit heated at one point and he'd said that wasn't how he wanted it to be (very sensible and I don't think I'd have let it go further either) it was nice, we had a bit of time in bed in the morning and when he got up he said he'd pick me up in a hour to go shopping.

We'd discussed the fact that I didn't want the world to know until we'd worked out ourselves if it was going to be anything or not, he wasn't particularly happy about that I have to say but I want to be sensible about it (I also know his parents, his brother and teenage son, although quite like him, in that I know them but not very well)

We both felt a bit rubbish and hungover but had a nice time, I picked out all of the bits he wanted and he bought another bottle of THE aftershave, a woman in the shop said that there was an offer on another version, he said he had to have that one or I wouldn't talk to him anymore, it was funny.

We came back and he commented that he'd got me in and out of the village without being spotted, I told him he was an idiot, later that night I got an FB message that was a face and a load of kisses.

Updates

The holiday was fabulous, I did nothing but lie in the sun, get massages, eat great food and drink!

Came home to a whirlwind of picking the animals up, getting ready for the new job and messages galore but I've still not met anyone in the flesh, I've been asked a fair bit but none of them I yet want to commit to a date with.

A few days at work, then my birthday weekend, I went home on the Saturday night, big night out, got home at half four in the morning, got told twice that I was beautiful and had a nice arse! Great night! Sunday was by birthday, had a few drinks and lunch with friends, Billy Bullshit turned up with flowers which was rather a surprise!

He keeps asking me out  and then the Friday after he turns up at the pub with a girl with him, when I text him he said it was just a friend and a load of excuses, everyone's been trying to tell me to give him a go but actually it's not a great idea is it?!

Erm, a guy that I know from about four years ago has asked me out, I haven't said yes

There is someone new come onto the scene, we'll call him 'Too Soon' I've known him for a few years but not well (he's been married since I knew him) however they split up three weeks ago.

Sat in the pub garden on Friday evening I smell this person that smells amazing, couldn't work out who it was, a couple of hours later I was at the bar and the smell was near, I realised it was him and had a good old sniff, he smelt like it had been made for him, I smelt him a lot! He stayed after his mates, he made a point of walking me home, he wanted to come in but I said no, I went for a final sniff as as I did he kissed me, I've got to say it was a pretty awesome kiss, as I walked off he asked if I'd like to smell him again, I replied 'next time' to which he answered 'definitely'

I had a Facebook request from him on the Saturday, which I accepted.

All quiet on the western front.......

Not a lot happening here, I saw Uniform on Sunday for a bit, although I was shattered after a 14 mile charity walk, he told me off as my knee and my toes were swollen and I'm not supposed to be doing so much exercise but it's getting better now.

Loving Tinder but not actually sure I'm really ready to meet anyone yet, I'm off on holiday for a week on Monday so it's not worth me doing anything until after then anyway.

It's been busy here, I've had a ton of interviews and accepted a job to start when I get back, hence dating taking a back seat!

He's back........

Uniform arrived home today, I woke up to a message asking if I could pick him up but I didn't get it until it was too late, then I got a message telling me to pop round and let myself in as he was getting in the shower, he was out of the shower by the time I arrived, a big hug and kiss and catch up and he tried to get me to the pub but I had an appointment so said I'd meet him after, went to the pub for one and then back to his for takeaway and he promptly fell asleep on me on the sofa for a couple of hours before I left and came home.

See that's what I like, the snuggly, cuddly bit! :-)

He smelt divine......... even now I'm home I keep getting a whiff of it...........

I keep hearing from Dodo Hunter, he says getting any kind of commitment from me is like drawing blood, I'm not totally saying I don't agree!

No interrogation!

It was all a bit too easy although Looby's decided that it was a bad idea after all as he's an emotional fuck up! (He was perfect for me until they fell out!)

All that's been mentioned is that he stayed at the cousins too and that I must have looked delightful the next morning as my hair had been out up within an inch of its life and I had makeup on all night, paying for that now as I have a spot.

I'm on Tinder!! It's amazing, totally shallow and based solely on if you like the look of the person, perfect ha?!

It's been a hard week, a friend of mine died racing, I'm still totally shaken by it, a great person who will be sorely missed.

Uniform gets home on Monday, looking forward to seeing him I think, I've decided if I've not got proper butterflies I'm going to call it friend zoned.

Space Cadet continues to be my personal hero!

Well, that's about it!

Looby's Renewal

Yesterday was Looby's vowel renewal, I was on bridesmaid duty, I was dreading it as I wouldn't know many people but it turned out to be a really lovely day, the sun shine, they had a bungee run and a bouncy slide, all great fun in a bridesmaid dress and we did them a lot!

I'd got a text in the morning from one of my best friends who was at a bootsale (totally not my thing!) she said she'd just bumped into Mr Safe with his new wife, the text said another girl was with her and said he'd 'definitely downgraded after me and his missis is a moose' it did make me a little happy to read that, even though I'd finished it, got me off to a good start!

They've not been on great terms with BIL but he was there minus on/off (currently off I believe!) gf, at the first opportunity when the photos were being taken his Dad steered me towards him with a 'have you met my youngest son' and made a hasty exit!

Their cousin is someone I've known for years, we've had some ups and downs as he dated a friend of mine and left her and their daughter on Boxing Day one year which I was rather unimpressed with. As soon as I saw him I knew it would be trouble, he always gets me drunk, he was with BIL for a lot of the day so we were all chatting and BIL kept gravitating towards me and talking, each time either Looby, her hubby or FIL were around loving it that we were getting on.

Once the reception ended me, BIL and the cousin decided to go to town, via the cousins house but never made it to town, stayed at the cousins, ended up talking until 6 and then after a very little sleep got a taxi home (I'd drunk way too much to be able to collect my car at this point) BIL said he'd pick me up once we'd sobered up to collect my car.

He collected me and we chatted on the way in, he dropped me and I decided to order a pizza to collect, walks into Dominos and guess who's standing there?!

I will have the Spanish Inquisition from Looby when I see her but we will see!

The texts keep coming...........

Uniform has been gone two weeks now, it does feel longer though I have to admit!

Since the text arrived Friday before last I've been receiving daily messages from him, which is nice, the texts have been pretty general with a little bit of flirting thrown in there for good measure, another three weeks until he comes home and two weeks after that I'll be jetting off on holiday myself.

I've had a few people messaging on POF that I've talked to in the past and they've come back after a period of being off of the site, no one I'm particularly excited about though.

I have another two presentations to get ready this week, both for second interviews, lets hope that one of them turns into a job soon, I have just under two weeks to be starting a job before the money runs out, which isn't a place that I want to be in!

That is about it!!

Getting warmer........

Life seems to have twists and turns at every step, after the terrible day that was Wednesday Thurday brought some time with a friend and Friday two more interviews, both minus the firing squad of  the previous two, one I wouldn't want, the other I think I'd enjoy but is a trek to work, something I'm not used to.

This morning brought a message from Uniform, can't say I wasn't pleased, I thought it would be 'out of sight, out of mind' he says it's been raining there, another thing I'm pleased about, anything that helps the not emigrating effort (even if we are to stay just friends!)

Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

The rest of the day was spent with my lovely, tall, dark, handsome Space Cadet and his Mum at the Rugby! We had a great day, awesome score, fabulous company and we didn't get wet! His Mum is also lovely.

For anyone that thinks online dating I'd mad, I'd have never met him without it and although he's flakey at times when the chips are down he's always there to make a difference and make my world a little brighter with his prescence.

Bad day!!!!

Oh what a terrible day, I spent all day yesterday preparing a presentation for an interview, it was the worst interview ever, I'm sure I still hadn't done enough or learnt what they wanted me to, companies these days seem to pretty much want someone doing exactly the same job for exactly the same industry and it's annoying, I really think I could bring a lot to the role but I won't get a chance.

My hero of the day is the one and only Space Cadet, I have been feeling rather down and emotional and sent him a message 'I'm in need of some Space Cadet love' immediately got a text back 'Us, Rugby, Saturday' and a phonecall, he still knows how to play it when I'm low, I needed it and I appreciated it, rugby date with him and his Mum!!

Uniform arrived in Oz, it keeps popping up on FB about emigrating!

I am in desperate need of a cuddle :-(

A very messy few days.......

It's not been long since my last post but I thought I'd better bring it up to date as it's been busy.

I finished work on Thursday, it was my last day and he kept me busy until the end, I'd been asked to go to the pub but had decided to stay in, then Uniform arrived and asked if I fancied going around for a drink, it had been a stressful week so I said yes and joined him about an hour later, sofa, wine, movie, more wine.......

I can't remember going to bed, I can't remember anything until about 07:30 when we both woke up in bed........naked, now I don't normally do naked, I'd at least keep pants on, it seems not this time, cuddled up As normal, went and made me tea, farted around like normal, sorted his keys for me to copy, I came home, feeling rather well for two bottles of wine.

I was due to go out shopping with a friend.  (Being my first day off work) so I came home and had a shower, then I started feeling a bit rough, which got worse and worse and worse, the vomiting started, pure wine I must add, I out a piece of toast in the toaster which is where it stayed until Saturday morning, I picked my friend up as planned thinking if I was doing something I'd feel better, I had to stop the car to throw up, twice, all the time wondering if I had anything to be embarrassed about, he knew I was feeling it and took the mick a couple of times, I came straight home and promptly died for the rest of the day!

I went and did the jobs with my friend on Saturday that I should have done on Friday, shopping, lovely lunch, car valeted, his keys etc and then walked up the pub for 'one' got slaughtered, lots of shots, home late, as usual, he came in, had a couple and said he was going home and he'd see me on Monday to take him to the station, he said goodbye to my friend and gave her a hug and I felt a little irritated, I guess I'd have liked a bit more time but it seems I am a bit last minute as per usual.

I knew I wouldn't see him on Sunday as he was at a BBQ, I said I'd help at the pub for a few hours and then my friends band was playing so I stayed to watch them but I only had a couple to drink and was home by half 10.

It was D Day today, I went round to pick him up and I've never seen him look so nervous, he doesn't normally do nerves, I'm keeping an eye on the house for him so as he was stressing I was telling him not to worry about things and that I'd sort them while he was away (changing sheets, binning things etc) eventually I told him to just get in the car and stop stressing, and off we went.

On the way to the station he was telling me how it could be life changing as if he likes it he hopes to be living there in the next year, I actually felt a little upset by that I have to admit, dropped him off, made sure he got his ticket, while the woman there was talking to us like a couple and asking why I wasn't going.........  And then it was time to say goodbye, I was feeling a little emotional and as he was trying to get me to take fuel money I told him I didn't want it and to 'just come here' gave him a hug and kiss and I was gone before a tear or two arrived in my eyes!

Then I text him, explaining that I had a massive memory blank and did I need to know anything! (It seemed a good time as I don't need to face him for five weeks!) he replied with 'no, it was all fine lol' I am still none the wiser as to if anything happened or not, I have a feeling we kissed but I will never know now!

I went for an impromptu dinner with a friend but I'm now sitting feeling rather sad that he's gone,I sometimes wish I was better at being more open and had spoken to him..........

It just keeps getting worse!

A fight today to get the holiday pay I'm owed has ended in me leaving on Thursday, so only three more days of work before redundancy, I'm terribly sad, I love the job and I hate job hunting!

So, yesterday after a weekend of being let down by friends and others refusing to come out to cheer me up I decided to go to the pub on my own!

I text Uniform to ask if he was going up there, he said he was and so were a couple of the other oldies I know so I thought I'd be fairly safe in having someone to talk to.

Then Uniform turned up at the door, to walk up with me (although he offered to drive me up there) he only stayed for a couple though and I did give him grief about leaving early.

The oldies were in so I chatted with them for a while, Knight in Shining Leathers walked in, he's looking better than he was, lost a bit of weight and looks more like himself, we talked for a bit, he mentioned how it's not going so great with the GF and how he doesn't think it will work out long term, for a boy that doesn't talk to anyone we do have some heart to hearts!

We had a new arrival into the blog, although I've known him for quite a while, I don't have a name for him yet but if he keeps appearing I might, he was talking to me about work etc and FB messaged me when I got home saying he'd have stayed out with me if it had not been for his son giving him a lift, he did suggest that I might like to join him but I declined, he's a really nice guy but I get the feeling he's got quite a few miles on his clock which isn't something I really want, we will see if it goes anywhere.

I was talking to a couple of the boys in the pub when Knight in Shining Leathers suggested selling myself to make some money, Uniform came out with the fact that I wouldn't be of much use as I couldn't get down on my knee's!!! Cheeky sods the pair of them!

I am still getting regular messages from Smiler, he even said he'd come over and see me, I've not said yes yet though, I think that might be a bit weird!

Probably not a lot to come this week, Uniform is away for 5 weeks on Monday and in a funny kind of way I'll miss him, say's the girl that didn't want to be with him, sometimes I question myself!!!!

Sometimes life sucks.......

It just gets worse here, currently I feel like I must be one of the unluckiest girls in the world, on Thursday evening at 8:30 PM I was made redundant (if your thinking wasn't it bank holiday weekend then yes, you are correct) what amazing timing? Just in time to ruin my whole weekend, yay!!!!

I spent most of Thursday evening in tears, it's been my dream job and although at times it's crappy and the hours are crappy I have loved it with all my heart and I've got to come to terms with saying goodbye.

I have an interview for this week in a completely different field, I have to do a 10 minute presentation on something I know nothing about which means I split my weekend between being upset, drinking and trying to work out the presentation from a very brief, brief!!!

Anyway, it's done now, not a lot else I can do really apart from give it my best shot tomorrow.

Usual stuff from POF, I honestly think it's getting worse, people get in touch, talk a bit and then that's it, what is that all about?

Spoke to Uniform a bit by text through the week, he invited me around after the pub on Friday so I knocked on my way past, as I'd predicted he was asleep so I carried on home.

I had a bit of a weird moment on Saturday, walking (well as much as you can on crutches) through town which is about 12 miles away, I passed my ex, not an ex, the ex, the one, w@nk bag, it hit me harder than I expected, I don't know if it was seeing him or seeing him do something that I never thought I'd do in my lifetime, his father is an elder of the Jehovah's Witnesses and the children were brought up in the faith but all but one left when they were at an age where they could, he was a definite non believer and had a bit of a past, all of things you aren't supposed to do as a witness, drugs, sex before marriage etc, etc and there he was in the street in a suit with a sign 'selling' the faith, it makes me think what a hypocritical religion it is, it would seem you can do what you want but then come back to the faith? It shows why I'm not religious. I've thought about him a bit since, I hate the fact he can still make me do this to me after all this time, even though he was tubbier, he looked quite old and he's gone grey, to be honest he's not aged well! Anyway, we will get over it, maybe it explains why the next paragraph happened and why I needed a little affection!

He was out on Saturday night, with a vodka on the bar as an apology for being asleep! It was a fairly good night, he walked me home and we went back to his as usual, I stayed (for the first time) I think I've decided that we'll be just friends, not once while in bed with him did I think I'd like to rip his clothes off, he is lovely and cuddly though which is really nice when you've just spent the last 18 months being single, he is a fidget and takes up most of the bed though!!!

That was pretty much my weekend gone, it's now back to work and I can honestly tell you I've never been less motivated to do my job in my whole entire life, I honestly hope no one else turns up for the interviews and it's just me!!!

All change!!!

Well Friday came with a phone call from my friend and running buddy, it was a general call  but she dropped in that Uniform had dumped the girlfriend, apparently she wanted more than he did.

In the interest of 'strike while the irons hot' I sent him a 'hello stranger' text and had a reply within minutes, he's meant to be doing my decorating so that was mentioned.

I had plans of going out Friday night, just as I was about to put a foot in the bath the doorbell rings, I have to say that I didn't want to answer it but in my towel and slipper boots I did, yep,  it was him!

Not the best of looks to be honest, he came straight in with a kiss and a hug and we talked decorating, tiling and all of the bits and bobs that need doing, he adores the cats and I love that.

We had a drink and he was here for about an hour, pushing all of my plans back, as we were talking he asked if I fancied looking after the house while he was away 'isn't the girlfriend moving in' I asked, hmmm, all over he says and tells me the story of how he wasn't as interested as he was and that there has only been one person so far that's captivated him and it wasn't her, so that's all over, he also offered to take me for my hospital visit on weds, we'll see if that materialises yet though.

See, sometimes you don't have to go all in, you just have to wait and watch.

We were both up the pub Friday but unusually he left before me and I've had a couple of messages since. I had dinner at a friends  on Saturday with a load of people old enough to go on a saga holiday!

And today, well today I found that my dream job will be coming to an end, I am gutted, seriously depressed and I wonder what I've done to be such a bad person to get all of this bad luck. I will try not to dwell too much but for today at least I'm wallowing!

The weekend was gone in a flash...........

I worked on Saturday which on crutches and not well makes you fairly shattered, I'm not sure if it's the weather but I'm finding more men look better than usual and one's I'd not normally look it, spring has sprung maybe?

The Space Cadet came over to see me on Saturday, he's good company, funny, charismatic, cute and dull as dishwater, I don't think anything has changed, he's still on his phone constantly, so I'm pretty sure there is another phone relationship like we had, I think there are one or two all of the time.

The guy my boss keeps trying to fix me up with was there, he's too short, I'd have to live in flats which I don't think I'm up for.

Hotbike is my new friend on Facebook, it inspired a bit of an eeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkk! He raced this weekend but a crash meant it didn't go particularly well. I don't think I've mentioned the 18 year old yet, he's not 18 anymore, he's 21 now, more about that one later on!

Update........

Friday came and I had four plumbers in the building, we also had a visit from the PCSO after some pikey nicked the old boiler and the copper, cheeky sods.

Uniform came in to collect his keys, saw the state of the place and gave me a cuddle and a 'we'll sort it' I haven't heard from him since (not unusual) the gf is back (I guess!) it's a week on now, my friend was round today and mentioned that he's not been at the pub, although he did park outside mine last night.

I had two more plumbers on Monday, one was quite cute but very young (20's maybe?) we finally have a boiler and can have a bath in my own home, yay!

It's been a strange week, I was due to be working onsite on Wednesday but with a knee that's poorly it's impossible to drive, especially that distance.

Best Friend was going to the track day anyway so I asked if he would drop me at a hotel on Tuesday night and pick me up on Weds morning for work, he said he'd spoken to his friend who said that I could stay there, bear in mind that I have only met him once and it was about 8 years ago on a night out in my home town, Best Friend had three friends and Car Salesman out, including this one who we'll call Engineer, I never looked twice at Engineer but one of the friends was quite nice and we were fairly engrossed in each other all night, the Car Salesman was very jealous and mentioned that I was winding him up (I didn't mean to but winding the Car Salesman up by speaking to other men was never hard)

So I was quite surprised when I arrived at his house and thought he was quite attractive, he's matured well over the years and he's 6'2 which for me is my ideal height in a man, he was very sweet, they carried bags for me, they got me dinner, carried my helmet as it's difficult with crutches.

I went out in the car with Engineer in the morning and it's one of my most fun times in car, the nearest we've come to ending up off of track, on a bad note, I had no makeup, I'm carrying extra weight from not being able to exercise, weeks of morphine has done nothing for my skin and it really could have been better, much better but it wasn't!!! He also lives miles away.

I did say thank you for the loan of the spare room though and I'm hoping to be joining them on a trip later in the year (I've been planning this for years but never made it to be honest, maybe I should try harder!)

On another happy note I got my Superbikes invite this week, can't wait to get back into it, very exciting! :-) 

Laying your cards on the table.......

That's what my friend said I should do and I just can't stop thinking about it, I've only really opened up and laid my cards on the table to one person, one of the two 'big ones' and I can't see that I'll ever do it again after that experience.

I remember being at Becky Falls in Devon, it was a lovely dry Autumn day and we were away for a week, he was taking photos at the other side of the bridge, we walked towards each other and at that moment I knew it was love, I even opened my mouth to say it but the words stuck in my throat, maybe my mouth knew that if they came out on my disappointment would follow?

The next time was when were were going through a bad patch sometime later, we'd already been together a couple of years by this point and still no 'I love you' on either side, in the middle of an argument I asked him if he had ever loved me and he told me he didn't know if he was capable of live but I was as near as he'd come, is that enough?

The truth is no, those words ate at me for years and they still do to this day, close wasn't enough, I knew in my heart he didn't love me, I never felt loved, how did I waste so much of my life on him? I very stupidly loved him and my heart didn't want to let that go.

The third time was one Christmas, I wrote it in his card, it was reciprocated with a thank you for the card, they are the only times in my life I have laid my cards on the table and said I love you and meant it, am I keen to let someone make me feel like that again? No, I can't say I am.

Eventually after nearly 5 years I asked him to leave, I was getting to the point of wanting to settle down and I knew that with him I had no chance of that, it happened on a Monday evening when I got home from work, we talked the next day and said we'd have a couple of weeks break instead to see if we could work things out, I didn't contact him the whole time to see if we could clear our heads apart, we were due to meet on the Tuesday.

The whole time he was gone I missed him like crazy but I carried on, went to work and hardly a soul knew (incase we got back together) on the Friday before we were due to meet I text to say I'd missed him and that I hoped we could work things out.

I had an HTC diamond phone in those days and anyone that had one knows that they had a home key that if you had a message it used to light up a ring around the home key, my phone used to sit next to my laptop at work.

At 10 on Monday morning the day before we were due to meet the phone lit up, he'd have had no doubt of where I would be, I the office, an hour and a half away from home.

I opened the message to see a message saying that he'd missed me too but that we weren't going to work out long term, if he was ready to settle down it would be with me, I took myself into the toilet to try to compose myself, by the time I'd been gone about half hour someone came to look for me, I was a teary, broken mess and had to walk out in front of my staff like that and drive home in that state, my boss wasn't even going to let me drive but after feeding me tea and sympathy they let me go home.

He came to pick up his things the next day and I sobbed like a baby, I was totally broken, blacking out through stress and so helpless that I had to go and stay with my mum 40 miles away, if you knew the relationship my mum and I have you'd know that meant I was bad! I lost  two and a half stone in those first two weeks.

We were still Facebook friends and I tried to be dignified, until I found out he was seeing someone and she'd been to his family for dinner, two weeks after we split up, I felt totally betrayed by them all, his friend had also been seeing her previously and dumped her because he said she was mental.

On a Friday morning two weeks after that Monday I got the message I flipped, I told him that he was an emotional bully and that just because it didn't leave bruises he was no better than a wife beater, emotional scars run very deep. I also posted a status on Facebook saying 'I wonder if his best mate had finished pulling his trousers up before you stuck yours in' but it wasn't long before I'd deleted everyone we had in common.

The man that couldn't commit was married within the year, I saw the wedding photos and for all the times he called me fat I'm positively a supermodel in comparison!

I don't think I can lay my cards on the table, I still have the scars from the last time.

My Messy Little World.........

As I was walking to Uniform's yesterday to have a bath I noticed that the three people I've had 'things' with in the village and Uniform now all live in the same road, Quote Me Happy has moved in there this week, how on earth do I get myself into these things? All in one road, that's just silly!

Anyway Quote Me Happy saw me hobbling to Uniforms and asked what I'd done, ah it's a complicated old life we lead!

Had a lovely bath at Uniforms and told him that the cats and I had moved in, totally unfazed by it, quite annoying really.

I was telling a friend about it all last night, she thinks I should put my cards on the table before it's too late, I guess she's right in that you can't go back but in another way I think if it's meant to be it will be, I don't think I'm going to tell him anything really, I think I'm just going to leave things as they are, if I've cocked up again then that's that but Blue Eyes and I were friends at the start and that was all cocked up, I don't want to do it again, it's a small village when things go wrong and I don't want to lose friends over it.

I am off for another bath tonight though, I'm going to make the most of it while I can! :-)

Oh what a few days........

It's been a busy few days here, the emails, texts and whatsapp messages have been flowing in and as per usual mostly not one's that would interest me.

Still hearing from the Space Cadet most days, I saw Uniform on Sunday, I'd been in the pub for the afternoon and not long before I was leaving he arrived, a comment had already been made in the afternoon by a friend but it was ignored, when he walked in one of the regulars asked if we'd fallen out as he didn't come straight up to me as usual and to be fair I did wonder if things were going to be awkward but as soon as he walked past he came and gave me a hug and joined us, he was driving so gave me a lift home but as usual that ended in 'have you eaten' and he made me dinner and a movie cuddled up on the sofa, it's weird, we are terribly comfortable together and I really enjoy spending time with him.

He's away with work for the week and has left me the keys so that I can have some baths this week bless him, the girlfriend is back Weds though and I'm really not totally sure how that will feel or be, we will see I guess.

Knight in Shining Leathers was also in the pub, when I mentioned him being dropped in it with the gf he just gave a big sigh and shrug, he's so much happier and more himself when she's not around, got a big hug and he gave me lots of abuse about the knee.

Yesterday was a bit of a day for me, I had a phone call yesterday asking if I'd do them a favour and pick something up for them, to which I said of course I would, it ended up that I had to meet one of the hottest men in motorsport to pick up his race kit, he is absolutely stunning and gorgeous and I've been waiting for quite literally months to meet him, I can honestly say I've had a huge smile on my face since I was asked to do it, helping out a friend made my day, I was told that I wasn't allowed to lock him in and keep him here but it was very tempting! His father is also one of the most famous men in motorsport, we'll call him Hotbike!!

Quiet Times......

It's been very quiet here, partly because I can't go far due to the knee which is driving me nuts as I can't really do anything!

Still on POF and getting lots of messages but again no one that I really want to pursue further at the moment.

Not heard from Uniform apart from a text message last week (just the one after a 'Happy Birthday') but that's not unusual.

I'm going out with the Space Cadet to the Rugby on Wednesday, he's still around after all of this time, he's coming to collect me as I still can't drive, he's very sweet and I'm looking forward to getting out.

Catching Up.......

All has been pretty quiet on the home front, I've managed to rip the ligaments in my knee which means I can't drive and can't get around which to be honest is a right pain!

I didn't go out for the whole of February, it's a pretty miserable month for me, I broke up with w@nk bag four years ago on V day and although it was one of the best things I ever did he was the only man I have ever actually loved and the weather is miserable, money is tight as winter is quiet in the industry I work in, etc, etc, whinge, moan, whinge!!!

Kept being told that Uniform keeps taking a woman up the pub but no one was sure if it was a GF or just a friend, I saw him out the week before last and it's the new GF.

I had to be fair played totally hard to get as I didn't know if (and still don't if I'm being honest) I liked him as a friend or more, we get on great but is that enough, what if I like him but don't fancy the pants off him?

Anyway back to the story at hand, I saw him on the Friday at the pub, normally he walks me home but I got a lift as I wasn't drinking and left before closing (strange I know!) I went out on my own on Sunday which is unusual but my friend didn't want to go out and I was desperate to, there were people there that I would know so it was fine, Uniform was there and bought me a drink as soon as I walked in and then came and joined us, for someone that has a girlfriend as soon as he spots me he's straight over!

Everyone else left eventually (early) leaving me, him and a few other regulars and My Knight In Shining Leathers was in there too (who incidentally has had a gf for about a year now) we had a chat as usual but were messing around a bit later on and he threw a chalk covered cloth at me, I threw it back, he threw it back and then I grabbed him and went to kick him (playfully not seriously) landed really badly and that's how the knee happened!

Uniform then walked me home (as usual) and I went to his (as usual) for a drink and chinese, we snuggled up on the sofa and watched a film, he did try to get me to stay as I was quite obviously injured and struggling to move but being the stubborn cow I am I came home, which I regretted in the morning as I got into the shower and knew pretty much straight away that I was going to pass out, I managed to get myself out of the shower before passing out on the floor and hitting my neck and head on the way down, I don't think I've ever felt so sorry for myself for living on my own! Anyway long and short is that I'm not driving or walking far for the next few months!

We've had a few messages in the week and then we were both out on Saturday at the pub (me on crutches!) he beelined again as usual and we came home together, he was supposed to be on a fire course on Sun morning but he was quite drunk, he fell asleep on the sofa and I tried to wake him up to go home but he was having none of it, I'm not even sure he would have been capable of walking it to be honest, eventually I told him to go to bed and he went and got in my bed (stark naked) I put PJ's on and also went to bed, he was very cuddly and snuggly as usual which I must say was nice, it's been a long time since anyone's been in my bed!

He made an attempt at trying it on a couple of times but I wasn't going for it, he is a friend and if anything happens I don't want it to be getting laid, it's the line between friends and more and it needs to be one or the other I think.

It took me about two hours to get him up for his training and he was too late but told me he was being picked up at 9, not the 7:30 that he was really so by the time I eventually chucked him out at 8 he was too late, I don't know if we've crossed the line, or if it will be awkward next time we see eachother but I guess that might not be for a while, although nothing happened, ARGH head fuck! He's also off to Afghanistan next month and then Australia the month after, so I guess it's not the end of the world, it's pretty typical of me, can never make my mind up about men.

Oh, on another note, Psycho, Knight In Shining Armour, Uniform and Quote Me Happy now all live in the same street, whoops!

Looby has just called, she said she's glad that she didn't fix me up with BIL as they've had a massive fall out........... people!

The one who left his wife...........................

This story is an old one but he sometimes crops up in the blog I thought I'd give him his own post. I was around 18 at the time so it would have been around 1996, god I feel so old saying that! 

When I was young I was a bit of a wild child, out at every opportunity, clubbing, drinking, getting in from clubbing at 7 and being at work or college for 8:30, what a time to be alive.

I grew up in Oxford, May Day is a Big thing, go out early, party all night, head down to the bridge to watch people jump off on May morning, have no intention of going into college the next day as you know you'll feel like death! 

We were all out as usual, it was a Wednesday night, which was probably our favourite of the week, we started drinking at college at lunchtime. 

After the nightclub closed we went onto another party on Port Meadow and some other people joined us, friends of school friends, one started chatting to me and we spent quite a lot of time together that night, the only thing I can really remember is a conversation about his necklace, it had a Z on, I joked asking if the Z was his girlfriend, he told me not to be silly, it was his daughter, I'm not sure if I was naive at the time but you know back that not many people I knew had wives and girlfriends, certainly not the ones that used to hang out with us week in, week out.

We started to see each other when we were out, we always ended up together at the end of the night, he worked nights so he wasn't out as much as us but often he'd come out and then go straight to work, he'd also come to see me on the way home from work, or on the way to work if I wasn't out, out. 

He wasn't out quite as much as the rest of us but he was out a lot, which is why I never suspected anything, like a wife. 

We were a few months in when I overheard a conversation (which looking back was likely intentional on his mates behalf) he joked about a wife, I thought he must have been joking and didn't raise it for a couple of days, until we were on our own. 

When I mentioned it I honestly expected it to be a stupid joke, it wasn't. He had a wife, the mother of the daughter I already knew about, he lived with her and I don't think at the time I had a lot of words. 

I always liked a bit of a challenge but I would have never gone near a man with a wife but we were several months in and feelings were already involved, we continued to see each other, he continued to be out all of the time, he continued to see me at every opportunity. 

It was months later when he came over with his wedding ring on and I asked where it had been that first night, he told me he'd been wearing it, I knew that was a lie, it was about 10 years later that he finally admitted to taking the ring off and putting it in his pocket, I knew he wasn't wearing it, I knew that I'd have noticed, he told me that he took it off as no one talked to him if he wore it, well duh! 

We continued like that for about a year (by the way I never slept with him in this time, I was young, a bit shy, lived at home, he lived with his wife) 

On Valentines Day I walked out to my car COVERED in roses, it was sweet and then later that day at work a bouquet of red roses, I love flowers but I was a bit embarrassed at having to walk through town with them. 

In that year we saw a lot of each other, his wife was even out one night, I avoided her, I felt sorry for her and I felt like a bad person and while it wasn't right, it wasn't me that was cheating. I never brought up him leaving her, I never expected him to, we just made the most of the time we had, I was out at every opportunity, he was too. 

I don't think from when I found out I ever wanted him to leave, I was too young to be tied down, I never wanted to meet someone, I wanted to carry on as I was and I guess in some ways him being married allowed me to do that. 

On a Saturday I was coming home from work on a bus and just as I got to my stop I saw him, walking along with an overnight bag, I was cold at that moment, I got off of the bus and my first words were 'what did you do?' he told me he'd left her and I didn't know what to say, I guess it's what the other woman is meant to hope for, genuinely that wasn't the case, I liked him and wanted to be with him but I thought it would fizzle in it's own time and that he and his wife would carry on like before. 

I was going out that night with my best friend, I rang and told her and she thought we weren't going out, I said we absolutely were and that he was coming to babysit for her, I very much needed to have a good think about what was to come and what I wanted, I knew he and I needed to talk about it at some point but it wasn't the time, for either of us. 

May Day came quickly and it was the first time we slept together, a whole year after we first met. The wife found out we were together and made four from 2+2 she quite rightly went mental and gave me shit for months, smashing my car, every time we were due to do something she'd tell him there was a problem with their daughter and he'd have to go round and get her. 

It meant constant cancelling of any plans, I always understood his daughter came first and I never had a problem with that, I also knew that she was doing it on purpose but there was nothing I could do about it. 

It was about four weeks later when I started feeling sick constantly and a day later I did a test, I remember doing it at my best friends house and being devastated. 

The timing was bad, the situation was bad, I wasn't ready, I'd had tests done a couple of years earlier and been told I had Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome and that I'd probably never have children, certainly not naturally anyway so it was quite a shock to be in the position I was in, just four weeks after sleeping with him for the first time, I guess after being given that diagnosis I didn't think I needed to be very careful, it was never going to happen to me. 

It didn't take much thinking through, I'd been brought up in a single parent family and didn't want to do that, I wanted a career, I wanted to have fun, I wanted to have my own house, I wanted to be married before I had children, I wanted to be in a stable relationship, there was so much I wanted, I really wanted it to be over. 

I had an appointment at the hospital, luckily it was early days so the procedure was relatively simple, I hadn't told him, I was struggling to communicate with him at all, apart from being miserable, we were out in the car and he asked me what was wrong, I told him and he said he's support my decision whatever it was, he asked if I wanted him to come with me and I said no, I was going with my friend. 

I honestly couldn't have taken any emotion, I was a wreck as it was. 

Would him saying differently have changed my mind? I don't know. If the timing had been different would it have changed my mind? I don't know. Was it the right decision at the time. Yes, it was. 

The day came and my friend took me to the hospital, we both have a warped sense of humour and tried to joke about it, I remember the Doctor having a very hot Junior Doctor with him, they both had to do an internal and the Doctor asked who was the best, it was the strangest of situations. 

The day was painful, more emotionally than physically, I have never been so mixed up and emotional, I was a wreck but to be honest it was too late by that point anyway, you've already taken the first tablets and the job is done largely by then. 

I went through a terrible period of depression following it, in those days there wasn't counselling, you just did it, never told anyone and went back to work a couple of days later after a few days holiday. 

My body healed fast, my head didn't, I couldn't stand to think of him with his daughter and I distanced myself from him, we were still having sex (much more carefully) at every opportunity but I really tuned out from him. 

My second and very young sister had been born shortly after, we were all at her Christening and people were saying how she could be mine, I'd literally just had the termination and it hurt, it really hurt, they were right, there was that much of an age difference that she could have been, little did they know how much their jokes hurt. 

My 20th birthday came he was keen for us to do something together, all I wanted to do was go out with my friends (and him) get drunk and forget the world, it was then I learned that he had a hang up about his penis size (I'd never even really noticed until that point that it was a little on the small side but I wasn't very experienced and he was great in bed, he well and truly made up for any size with everything else he did, I assume it had been an issue with the wife and he really did have a hang up about it. 

It came up a lot (the hang up!) but things were falling apart, I was depressed and didn't know that, I used to take it out on him and the whole thing started to come apart. 

We were about another six months in when I told him that I couldn't do it anymore, it wasn't working out and we split up. 

It was hard, we hung out in the same group, he blamed me for ending his marriage, I blamed me for everything. 

We still saw each other as we were out in the same group, then one night we were out and he lost his shit with me over a birthday card I'd sent him (I've spent ages choosing it so that it couldn't be misconstrued but I'd added 'love from' he pinned me up against the wall of the nightclub and asked why I'd written love when I didn't love him, I'd obviously not thought that bit through as much as I thought. 

One of his best friends; P pulled him off me, threw him out of the nightclub and told him not to not to be such a dick, he then came back to see how I was, I was bleeding and a little sore and shaken but ok, he said he was taking me home to make sure I got home safely, he spent the journey telling me that his friend had been a dick and I'd done nothing wrong, we'd been finished a couple of months by that point - there is more to this story but P deserves a post of his own, so I'll carry him on there. 

I got a call the next day, apologising for being such a dick, he said that he didn't mean to hurt me (he genuinely didn't, I do believe that) 

I'm writing this many years later, he still keeps in touch, probably at least monthly, a lot of time went past when we didn't but along came Facebook and changed that, even all these years later, if he knows I'm out in Oxford he'll still meet us for a drink. 

He's remarried, to the Ex of one of his best mates, she apparently hates me, I've no idea why, I wouldn't know her if I fell over her and if I hadn't let him go she'd never have had him, you'd think she'd be pleased really! 

All these years later you know I still think about it, not so much him but the termination, what might have been, that I lost my only chance that day. It was the right thing at that time. 

I will one day make choices purely for me and not give a shit what anyone else thinks, I promise I will!

There isn't a great deal to report since my last post, a marriage proposal on POF and lots of messages, probably only one that I have any interest in but after an initial flurry of contact he's gone quiet (I don't understand that unless they find out something they really don't like which he's not had the opportunity to do as yet) anyway, no great loss but he is a policeman and I do like my uniforms....

On that note Uniform turned up to collect something the week before last, in his fireman's uniform and yes it was good, however last week he turned up to collect something else in his Army uniform and I have to say I was left a little speechless, the uniform definitely did it for me and he also smelled nice, not a great combination for me, made me a little weak at the knee's and I'm fairly sure it was visible!

I saw Looby yesterday, BIL is still playing around with the ex, it kind of gives me a reprieve so it's not such a bad thing, they'll probably break up when I meet someone, that's how we seem to work it.

I think that is all!

What a line........

My inbox today brought this little gem.....

Hi there gorgeous im a submissive crossdresser wana chat 

Well, as you can imagine I jumped and replied straight away, oh no actually I didn't! 

Messages like this make me realise why I'm single! 

It's been a while but I'm back!

Well it's been a while since my last post but I'm back, Blue Eyes and I lasted about a year, he was lovely, if anything too lovely for me, I also think he had a few issues with alcohol, well after finding several empty bottles stashed around the place that's what I can deduce from it! I've been single again for almost a year now and loving it as always, I've been on three dates, not worth seeing again, one was too short but nice, one was nice looking but had more to say by text than in person and I think the other was using photo's from about 20 years earlier!

A quick sum up of the last year......... enjoying being single far too much to actually bother looking, decided it's time to find Prince Charming (who will now be referred to as PC!) back on POF, still generally full of idiots trying to send you naked photos.

I'm still in touch with the Space Cadet, not quite everyday now but at least weekly, he's still lovely and I still love spending time with him, however he's a bit wet so I'm glad it never happened and it would have been a waste of a good friend when it didn't work out!

Still speak to Intel, we spent a day together last year at Goodwood FOS, he's a nice guy, has bugger all luck with women though, desperate for someone to love (maybe a little too much so!)

Still speak to Squaddie, he's still fooling around with women that are far too young for him and it never lasts but he's a good laugh so we still speak and occasionally see each other at events.

Knight In Shining Leathers is still around, as is Billy Bullshit, who still keeps asking me out.

I've had a couple of blasts from the past appearing, one is current. Doorman and I first met when I was 17 and he was 16, we liked each other on sight but I was dating his friend and I thought he was too young for me (a year seemed a lot at that age!) When his friend (The One Who Left His Wife) and I split he didn't take it well and one night when we were out pinned me against a wall shouting at me, Doorman pulled him away and escorted him outside, coming to make sure I was ok and took me home to ensure I got there safely, I did and he didn't leave until the next morning, it is still one of the best nights I've had, he's said about coming to visit, he's in regular contact, although some of the messages aren't really my thing, I'm still debating the 'do I, don't I' it won't add to my numbers and could still be a bit of fun but I'm not sure fun is really what I'm after these days, will update with any news on it.

I have a good friend that I met about 18 months ago, Looby is a cake maker and I did a decorating course with her when Blue Eyes and I were together, she's lovely and we hit it off straight away, the first time we met she was telling me about her Brother In Law and how she thought we'd be perfect for each other, when Blue Eyes and I split up BIL was already seeing someone but every time I see her it's mentioned, I time her and it's rarely longer than 10 minutes before she mentions him and in more recent months it's been about how he and the girlfriend weren't well suited and I'd be better!
Just before Christmas I got a message saying 'shown BIL your photo and he thinks your fit' I pointed out that he has a GF and she said that she was just 'sewing the seed' well Friday I was at work and I get a call from Looby, first words were 'he's dumped her' 'who' I ask, BIL has dumped the GF, two weeks she tells me before she fixes us up on a date, will keep you posted!

Clark Kent is from POF and he's hot, funnily enough he looks like Clark Kent (in the little nerdy, glasses and is so going to be hot when he puts some nice clothes on (or gets them off!) he's suggested an 'audacious' outdoorsy date but works in the city so it needs to be a weekend.

Mr Amazon is from Match and sounds lovely, has a child though and lives a little too far away really for it to be a sensible option but we do speak daily by email, can't see that going anywhere though.

I have met someone in the village also but again I'm not convinced and think we'll end up being friends,  we'll call him Uniform, he is in the Army and has more uniforms than you could shake a stick at, he is also a retained Fireman (I know it sounds promising!) I first met him about a year ago but only briefly, I had dinner at a friends a couple of months ago and he'd been invited too, he then did dinner and invited me and we've done it a few more times since, I've been to his, he's been here, he loves the cats and wants one, he's nice but not really my type, not really tall enough, smokes (hate it!) probably drinks too much but on the other hand has his own home, a career rather than a job and works hard, as well as loving the cats, I don't think there is any real chemistry but he's nice to spend time with, he did make a kind of attempt to kiss me on boxing day morning when he left and when we are together he's always snuggled up to me on the sofa however I think we're going down the friends route, which sometimes is better than the other option as it doesn't have the chance of going horribly wrong!

I think that's about it for the catch up!