Sunday, 21 December 2014

Twats in Tinfoil........

Does Prince Charming really exist, or are they just twats in tinfoil?

I went over on Sunday to take some photos of his car for a magazine, we walked out to greet me, kissed me (properly) cuddled me, we laughed, had a nice time and then he sort of changed, said he was tired, it was a little uncomfortable so I made my excuses and left, he text to make sure I'd got home, I was a little bit disillusioned so I didn't respond. He sent me a good morning and four more messages, I didn't respond, I intended to but I didn't want to say something I might regret. I replied that evening, although my message was a little vague.

We had some messages on Tuesday and I called him on Tues evening once I'd got over it a bit, normal conversation, I'm not very good at not knowing where I stand, games isn't really my thing (which he knows)

I was away for work on Weds and Thurs, Weds I heard nothing, so after a night out with work and a bottle or so of wine I sent a message saying I didn't know how to deal with him being so on and off, I got a response the following morning, saying he'd been ill and had a lot going on with work, sorry for putting it on me.

I thought about it and I knew that really I shouldn't respond, it wouldn't help, wouldn't stop him being flaky but on Friday I was out and something made me giggle and think of him, so I responded, a few more messages but eventually I said I didn't want to put him under anymore pressure as he's under a lot of it with work. I said I'd had a nice time with him and pretty much goodbye. He responded saying he'd had a nice time with me too and 'will arrange something soon' two days in and i've not responded, it's taken a hell of a lot for me not to message him.

I've spent a lot of my weekend with sporadic tears (like I am now!)  ive tried so hard this time to not hide my feelings and put the walls up around my heart, which isn't me at all and look where it's got me, my heart hurts and so does my pride, I know it will get better but I miss him being around, I guess you kind of get you to someone when you are speaking to them most days for months at a time?

I don't want to do it again, twice I've messed up this year.

I spent a long time in the car on Thursday, I can still envisage the day that I watched my big love walk out the door for the last time nearly five years ago, I can still feel my heart hurting and I never want to feel like that ever again, I think this is the closest i've felt to anyone for a while now, I feel stupid for letting it happen, ive checked my phone a stupid amount of times, I'm desperate to see a message but realistically I know I won't, he's not been on tinder in four days, finally met someone that makes him not need it? Or the ex back on the scene? I so wish I knew, would it make me feel better? Who knows?

I don't want to face people at the moment, I don't want them to ask, I don't want to have to talk, I want to shut myself away and not inflict my misery on anyone else! I don't think it helps that I hate this time of year.

I ordered him an acrylic block of one of the car prints that looked really good, I'm still going to send it, my friend says im too nice but I don't think that you should stop being nice for anyone, I do think if we were all a bit nicer the world would be a better place, I honestly try hard to be nice, I send friends that are having rough times presents, do things for charity and generally try to make myself a better person. If I'd not ordered it I wouldn't have after this but I did, I don't want it, I can't send it back, I was going to post it anyway, it was a 'your having a rough time present' not for Christmas.

Does it make me soft? Maybe. I don't think many people would say that about me.

I've cancelled the dating sites, I just don't think I can go through all this again, the 100 dates to get one that you like only for that to not work out when you think it might, to have what you think is happy within your grasp and then for it to disappear out of sight.

I'm done!

It never got better............

So, no good morning, I sent a message giving a nudge and wishing him luck as he was seeing his boss that he hates, he replied saying he was having a bad day.

We got back to the subject, he said he 'needs to spend time answering it correctly that's all' well that was before 2, still heard nothing but it's Gym night tonight.

I eventually got a long response, he agreed with me and said he wants is to continue getting to know me better and he'd never met anyone that had made him laugh so much or that he'd felt more comfortable with.

I guess I still felt it was a bit of a cop out but I took it and responded saying I was happy with taking things slowly but if we were going to carry on I felt we needed to make time for eachother and not have anyone else involved.

Conversation resumed to normal.

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

They say life is a roller coaster..........

They aren't lying!

Baggage boy arrived back from working away on Thursday, I got a message as soon as he landed and I called him when I finished work, we talked for half an hour, it started as a rather weird conversation, he told me how his ex had been telling him how much of an arsehole he was, I asked and he gave more details, still found it a bit weird though. 

That was that, on the Friday I got the usual Morning message and then a call as I left work, we spoke for about an hour, he asked if I'd go over and take some photo's of his car which I said yes to, I spoke to his little boy on the phone and he told me what they were doing for the weekend, at the end of the conversation he asked if I wanted to go over on Sunday, which I said yes to. 

We spoke by text on Sat and I went over on Sunday evening, expecting him to ask me to photograph the car, part of me thought that's why he'd invited me to be honest, I got there armed with camera, we talked about photographing the car but doing it that night wasn't mentioned. 

The moon looked amazing and I mentioned it as I walked in, he said we should go out for a look and we went up into the Forest, it was freezing but really nice, we went for dinner on the way back (he insisted on paying again, saying I'd travelled over there) I'm not going to parents for Christmas, it's a long story but he said about me going to his parents with him and for the first time I wasn't totally horrified by the idea. 

As we were having dinner he told me a story about his family that sounded rather far fetched, so he called his Dad to ask him to tell me the story, which he did, although he did say 'I'm out for dinner with a friend' I guess that makes alarm bells ring a little? His Dad told me the story and to have a nice meal when we said goodbye. 

We went back to his and cuddled up on the sofa in front of a movie, it was lovely, my hands were still freezing from the star gazing so he put them just down his trousers, he said that was the hottest part! 

He was telling me how he had a great view of my amazing cleavage!

It was lovely, perfect evening, towards the end he asked if I was thinking the same as him, I asked what that was and he said that he was torn between us being friends as we get on so well and wanting to get it further, I said that we get on so well that I almost thought it was a shame not to take it further, about two minutes later he kissed me and it went from there, it all got a bit heated although we never had sex. 

After I said well that's friends fucked them to which he laughed, more kissing continued before I left for home, eeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkk'ing all the way. 

He sent me a 'Morning' on Monday and phoned Monday evening, on Tuesday he called but I was out with friends so called him back later, his words were 'I'm in the car with my Mum' to which I answered 'oh' his Mum started laughing as I was on the phone saying 'no swearing, no abuse' to which she was laughing, we didn't talk for long but all three of us were laughing on the phone, it was nice and felt normal. Messages carried on into the evening. 

Good Morning came again today and messages of his little boy at the Nativity, the new camera he'd brought, I need a hug messages, I spoke to him after work, he was a little distant on the phone but I wasn't too concerned, things have been going so well, I can't remember the last time I was this happy, he literally makes me smile almost constantly, people at work are even commenting on it.

I noticed he'd been on Tinder a bit which bothered me, I've kind of decided you only log in regularly when you are talking to someone. 

I guess it had to be done, so I sent a message asking him if he is currently chatting to or dating someone else, he replied really quickly saying he was on 'them' but not gone on any dates, why, I responded saying it was useful to know where things were, to which he replied yes without doubt. 

I then replied saying that I think we are at the point where if we are to carry things on we should be doing it without Tinder etc, as yet there is no response. 

'Them' had made me think so I did a POF search (handy when you have their postcode!) and lo and behold he's on there, I think one of the photo's is from his trip to Greece (we'd had two dates by then) and one is the photo he sent to me of him and his little boy at his first Judo lesson. 

Personally I don't think I'll get one and I think it's a massive shame. 

He told me last night that he'd told his Mum that I make him laugh all the time, we get on great, there is obviously chemistry, I'm seriously thinking it's time to give up on finding my Prince, I don't think they exist anymore and I have to say that makes me terribly, terribly sad, I've spent the last 20 years of my life trying to not find Mr Perfect but Mr Perfect to me and I just don't think he's out there, this is my second bad experience with men in the last 6 months, both due to them not being able to do something without there being other people involved.

It seems as soon as I like someone this is what happens for me, maybe I'm just not meant to be lucky in love, it hurts.