Monday, 18 June 2018

Cat Lover..............

Cat Lover………..

So, Cat Lover and I matched on Bumble while I was working in London on my big Awards do, back in Mid-April.

I’ve tried sending people imaginative messages but if I’ve spent time on it and they don’t respond it pisses me off, so now I start with a ‘Hi’ and if they respond we go from there.

He responded and then asked if I was a Londoner, bollocks thought I, I don’t swipe and travel as it’s a pain if you match with someone at the other side of the country, however when I said no he said that he lived in Warwick which as I live in Northants is pretty close (18 miles to be exact) it was worth continuing the conversation.

We talked for around 10 days on Bumble before he asked if I had Whatsapp and then transferred over to there, we messaged several times a day, I found out during this time that he’s a massive Cat Lover, how brilliant is that? Finally, one that doesn’t moan about them or how many I have (5)

I had just started to wonder if he was ever going to get round to asking me out when he did just that, we arranged to meet for a drink on the Sunday and meet near to where he lives (I normally go for the middle but there is nothing where I live (apart from a couple of places in the village where I’d know people) and neither of us knew anything in the middle, it’s also super rare for me to match with someone that close!)

He told me where to park my car and he came to find me there, we recognised each other immediately which is a good sign! I had managed to sneakily ask a couple of days before how tall he is and he told me he was 6.075 which I thought was quite a specific measurement but he really is that tall, which is nice as it means that he’s taller than me in heels (I wore heeled boots so I could check)

We went to a nice pub and had a drink, well I had diet coke as I was driving and he had a couple of drinks, he’s a big wine fan and likes wine tasting, so I suggested that I chose and he tried to work out what it was, after him paying for the first round he gave me his card to go to the bar with, I obviously refused, I ordered him a wine and he didn’t get it right,  he’s very competitive and was a bit disappointed in himself, the next round he gave me his card and I ordered again, he got it this time but apparently I have a brilliant poker face as when I told him he got it wrong again he believed me!

We had a really nice evening, laughed a lot and he kept coming to hug me, which was a little strange and a first for a first date, although Cunt Face was a little bit like that the first time we met (lets hope that’s not a bad omen eh?) the pub was closing so we left and he asked if I wanted a little tour so we went for a walk round, he showed me the castle, the old hospital, the church and the stars (how romantic does that sound?!)

I didn’t really have anything in the way of negatives which is highly unusual for me, he lives fairly close (18 miles is really close for me, I’m used to up and down the other end of the country) he’s tall, dark haired (although he does have a bald patch coming on the back of his head) he’s got a good job, owns his own home, is funny and sweet………. 30, if I was being picky I’d maybe like him a couple of years older)

He said he’d had a great time and we continued chatting, by Wednesday I wondered if he was going to ask me out again, the chat seemed to indicate that he liked me and had a good time but I find that they usually mention seeing each other again really early on. He then asked what I was doing at the weekend, as the weather was due to be nice we decided on a trip to the Zoo, it meant going upwards on the map for me so I said I’d collect him on the way through.

By Friday I thought that the zoo might be a bit ambitious for a second date as it meant us spending quite a lot of time together, I was a little nervous as I thought I might have felt a little chemistry on date 1, he had messaged asking if we were eating after the Zoo, again this seemed like a lot to commit to (do I sound like I’m commitment phobic? Maybe I am, it’s over 8 years since I’ve been in a proper relationship, I had around a year with Blue Eyes but it was never very serious and I made that very clear so there was never any pressure on me)

Dressing for a sunny day at a Zoo is a nightmare, I went for knee length shorts and a vest top, super casual.  I arrived at his house, he got in the car and kissed me acting like we’d known each other for years and it was perfectly normal, it was at that point I noticed the piercing Blue eyes I’d somehow missed on the first date, I love Blue eyes and I’m not sure how I missed them to be honest.

We had a great day, he apologised early on for him being ‘quite affectionate’ and he really was, he touched, kissed and hugged me at every opportunity but not in an odd way, I’ve been single so long that I really miss a bit of affection so it was good.

On the way back he said that there was a pub he’d like to take me to but on the way we passed signs for Stratford-upon-Avon and decided to stop there, it was a lovely evening, we had dinner and he was the same as he was in the Zoo, super affectionate, we do maybe take the mick out of each other a bit too often though and that seems to continue.

Spending 12 hours with someone on a second date is a first for me, again the nearest I’ve got to that in the past is with Cunt Fact where we spent around 6 hours together.

I was out with the Space Cadet on the Sunday, we went to watch the GT Racing at Silvertone, it was almost a little odd as we went with his brother (the one that messages me A LOT) his girlfriend and their parents, kinda felt a bit coupley, we had a nice day but I got ridiculously burnt (it’s rarely anything but cold and windy at Silverstone so warmth was quite a surprise) there is more of a story with the brother and GF which I’ll do a separate post on at some point)

The evening before date three we were talking and Bumble came up, he was a little bit miffed to think I'd still been using it, which I have to admit I kind of understand but in the past largely people have continued using it so I deleted it, as had he. 

Since then we’ve had three more dates, he came and spent the night at mine twice and the second time we both worked from home, I have to say that over 24 hours was too long together and I was happy to see him go home, I don’t know if it’s that I’m not that into him or that I’ve been alone so long that it just totally freaks me out. He also earned brownie points on date three by bringing flowers with him, I LOVE flowers. 

The third time I went to his, he had planned a few things to do, then asked if I minded watching the Rugby, which I didn’t really. We didn’t go on the picnic as the weather wasn’t amazing, so I dragged him out and we went for a walk around a park, we didn’t go out for dinner as we had picnic food so really it was too much time together not doing anything for me, I think I would have felt less hemmed in, if we had been doing things?

By lunchtime on the Sunday I’d really had enough and went home, all ready to call it a day because again I felt a bit claustrophobic, I drove home the long way with the feeling that I just wanted to run away but it’s my own head I want to run away from really but that’s the bit that I can’t get away from no matter what I do.

I did something I don’t do often enough, instead of reacting I slept on it and by Monday had decided that I wasn’t sure I really wanted to call it a day, he has some traits that I really like, it hadn’t felt on the Saturday like we had much in the way of chemistry but we definitely had on the first couple of dates, I’ve not been past date three in years (I got to date three with Cake Destroyer last year) and I don’t know if it just scares me or whether genuinely it’s just not going to work out but I’ve now not seen him for just over a week and I have felt like I’ve missed him.

I find the Internet dating age difficult, I hear from him every day without fail, would I miss that or him? He was away for the weekend and I didn’t hear from him as much as usual (I didn’t expect to) and did miss it but again what do you actually miss?

Another thing to consider is that we are both Cancerian's which means that we are both confusing and confused and a bit crabby, I'm not sure that this helps us but he's been really good at picking up on my fears, for one of the dates he suggested a time and then asked if it was 'too much togetherness' for me. 

On another note we’ve slept together three times now but we’ve not had sex and I don’t know if that muddies the water a bit? I’m not the sort of girl that rushes in and don’t sleep with someone before three dates but I’ve never met a man that’s gone this long without putting in a bloody good effort to get in my knickers, I know that it’s not that he doesn’t like me, what he says’ and does is contrary to that, the only thing that I can think of is that we had a conversation about penis size (I called him a knob head and it went from there) and he said that unfortunately nobody likes a small penis…………..

Now 22 had a massive penis and after having sex twice I never want to put myself through that again so size isn’t everything, however I guess it depends what the definition of small is?

I’ve had a week off and we’re going to see each other this week, so we’ll see where we go from there?

Thursday, 15 February 2018

A little Update…………….

So, I’ve been snowed under at work, which is why there haven’t been any updates, so I’ll fill in the gaps at some point but for now just a quick run down….

Someone pointed out the other day that I’ve not described PG, he’s 6’2 (he say’s but I think he’s taller than that) he’s probably as wide as he is tall, he calls himself fat head and fatty, he’s dark haired, dark eyed, not my type in the slightest (apart from his height and the fact that he always smells divine) he’s funny, cocky, sarcastic and I roll my eyes at him A LOT, there is no romance in it but it’s really nice to have a man to do nice things with and probably even nicer without any expectation.

Since the last update he was here for a night and I took him for dinner at my favourite and very stunning boutique hotel, there is a part written story but I don’t have time to finish it currently.
We have also had a night in five star hotel in London together before a meeting early the next morning, we had dinner and then drinks in a rooftop bar overlooking the city, in separate rooms obviously.

He has spent another night down here and stayed at the beautiful boutique hotel, we worked in the stunning Great Hall until nearly midnight.

He’s now away on leave for 10 days, since he left last week he’s messaged me every day, he’s added me on Instagram and Facebook, which gave me a bit of a dilemma, I don’t normally add people from work on Facebook but he’s not really people from work anymore, he’s more friend that I work with.
He’s messaged me every day since he left, he’s asked me today if I’m missing him and I am a bit, there is loads of stuff for the event that we need to talk about and he’s the only one on the team that gets as excited as I do when something happens, we find a new song for the playlist or we plan something else to keep up our sleeves for the event day. I’ve not told him that, obviously but instead said that if I said I had he’d never let me live it down, which he wouldn’t, he responded saying “You don’t need to say anything”

I had been having doubt’s about whether I have feelings for him or not and I don’t think I do, I think the fact that we get on so well and are working so closely together and do some nice things together is making me think about things that aren’t really there and that was confirmed last week……..

When a familiar name popped up on my phone, PG and I were meeting at the beautiful hotel, as I got there I’d put a photo on my Snapchat story, a few hours later PG and I were sitting in the Great Hall, when Cunt Face flashed up on my phone, I imagine my face looked like I’d seen a ghost, I guess I had, I had Goosebumps and the hair was standing up on the back of my neck.

It took me three hours to open the message that sat on my screen, my stomach was in my throat, I opened it to a nice cheery snap from him, it took me right back to where I was before, right back into his grasp, there is something about him that I just can’t let go of.

We had a general chat, he asked when I’m up North again, I said, he said he wants to see me, I know I shouldn’t but I want to see him too, if I needed to check whether I had any feelings for PG I knew in that moment that anyone I met before or after him was totally eclipsed by the fact that Cunt Face literally makes my heart beat faster.

He’s messaged today saying he’ll take me out on the 27th, that’s over two weeks away so it probably won’t happen, he brings confusing buzzing into my life.

He’s been talking to me today, talking about our first date and our second, that first date when I felt the electricity and the second which was the most incredible date I’ve ever been on, because I’ve never felt chemistry like it, I keep making myself think what came after that but even then I still want to see him…………… to be continued?

Thursday, 18 January 2018

Procurement Guy, the backstory and the Non-Date………………..

Procurement Guy has appeared in a couple of blogs now, so I thought that we ought to start at the beginning………..

He’s been working for us for about 18 months now, the first thing I knew about him was when he was a last-minute change to an awards do list, I can vaguely remember meeting him when he signed into the event, then he made an appointment to call me about hotels and didn’t call me – twice! When he didn’t respond I spoke to his boss and he got a bollocking for it! 

The next time was in 2017 at another Awards do, again apart from a ‘hello’ we never really spoke much more than that. Our next interaction was when one of the suppliers he looks after was doing a job for my conference, it arrived all wrong, I tried to be polite with the supplier and succeeded until he told me it had arrived in the wrong format, I knew that was untrue as I’d had it all Cc’d to me, it was correct, so I lost my shit, as I got off the phone PG’s boss (who we’ll call PD for ease) walked in and got the full force of my frustration and he then obviously passed that onto PG, it’s safe to say that he’d not spent a great deal of time in my good books. 

After that we have had a very professional relationship, just essentials but our roles rarely overlapped so we didn’t need to, then I went to work in our Northern office for a few days, his boss was introducing me and asked if we knew each other, I said no (I honestly couldn’t remember him) he said yes, it was a bit awkward! PD asked him to show me around which he did, when we were talking desks he said that there was one next to him, I said thanks but I already have the one next to my boss’ office on the floor below (we have since moved up a floor, on the other side of the building)

That was that, I ended up out both nights while I was there as I have friends in the area and I will have to go up a lot more at some point as it is where my boss is based.

Then it was time for the big Awards do, I was determined that as I wasn’t working it (because the team are a shocking shower of shite) we were having an after party, I usually work it and need to pack up after added to being totally shattered, I spoke to a few of the Directors that work on my team that I knew were good fun and mentioned this to them, several were up for it.

The evening came and the do was a bit flat, it’s usually sparkly but invites had gone out so late that we were about 40% down on numbers, I had consumed more prosecco than strictly necessary for a work do, however I thought I was totally sober until I checked the photos I’d taken the next day and they were just a big blur, I’m normally SO good at things like that, the Fuck It Fairy had obviously been with me that night.

He was chatting to me quite a lot at the do, we were both networking but he kept coming back and was coming out with us afterwards, as we were about to leave the venue to go on, the Events Bint that is useless started talking to him, one of the Directors and I grabbed him by his hands, told him work was over and dragged him with us, you should have seen her face!

We went to a bar and had lots more to drink, there were about 40 of us to start with which dwindled down to about 20 by the time we hit this really dingy London club, however we had a great time, PD had been talking to me in the bar and telling me what a lovely person PG is and giving me the ‘he’s single, your single, so why not’ talk, which I laughed off, later on he saw we were stood talking and came over and told him he should take me out on a date, to which we said he’d already said that he would take me for dinner next time I was oop North, PD said that wasn’t good enough, he should be making the effort to come and take me out and no wonder the world had gone like it was (I was pretty impressed by this, he’s been with his wife for about 20 years and is totally family oriented which I think is lovely, it’s people like that give me hope for the future!)

We finally escaped our talking to, I went for a wander and found a dance floor so everyone was dragged down for dancing. Events Bint also turned up, each time one of the guys that were out danced with any of us she would grab them and get them to dance with her, I found it quite funny, especially as they kept detangling themselves and coming back but PA was starting to get a bit annoyed with it so I thought it was probably time to go before PA told her to fuck off, which as they work in the same office could be a bit awkward!

It was 3am, I’d had heels on for 12 hours and my feet were killing, one of the Directors and PA said they were coming with me and were staying at the same hotel, PG and one of the other boys also said they’d come (much to Events Bint’s disappointment!) we walked a bit down the road, I was walking like a 90 year old as my feet were that bad so decided to take my shoes off, PA had a spare pair of flats so lent me them to walk back in, PG said he walked out of the shop and all he could see was me and PA bent over laughing in the middle of the street with the other Director cracked up as well, I assume it must have been quite a funny sight!

That night PD had asked if I would help with their event as he didn’t trust the team not to balls it up, I said yes and he then told me I’d be working with PG, I think this was a purposeful move, PG was due to have a venue meeting the next day and asked me to go with him, I said no, mainly because I’d been drinking and it would have meant dragging myself out of bed even earlier, I joked saying he wouldn’t make it anyway so he should cancel and rearrange for a date when I can go along.

So, that’s what he did, we met in London in did the venue visit, he trekked all across London to meet me at the station (all in a previous blog post)

There’s been a lot of chat since then, a lot of flirtation and innuendo, when his boss talks to him about me he refers to me as ‘ya bird’

I’d had a long weekend off work and when I got back I got a message from Procurement Guy, it made me laugh out loud in the office: ‘Alright sweet cheeks, where you been?’ we had a little chat and then came ‘What you doing tomorrow night? I've just been offered 2 tickets to the basketball in the box. I love the basketball’

I thought about it and kind of said no, then that evening I got a text, ‘I can’t remember if I got an answer about the basketball…’ a friend told me that I should go and he and I had an Event Call booked for the next day anyway so we decided to have a meeting at the venue before going in instead of the call.

He messaged me the next day checking what time I’d be arriving and said he’d get a train to suit that, he had also got me a car pass for suite parking which was a nice touch again. He phoned when I got there and came to meet me, he gave me a big hug and it hit me right there and then, he smelt incredible, to be fair he’s VERY lucky that we work together or he might have been pushed up against a wall and sniffed within an inch of his life! I have since found out that it’s Chanel and it’s REALLY good!

I had to quickly pull myself together and give myself a bit of a virtual slap as we walked towards the venue, chatting and laughing as we went, I’ve not used the box before, it’s very much VIP, with use of the lounge before and after, VIP no queue entry, as we walked in someone I knew came and gave me a hug and PG shook his head and asked if there was anywhere where there wouldn’t be someone that I know, I’m sure there is but it doesn’t happen often!

I’d had some pretty awesome news that day, I’d been officially told that the company want me to head up our Events Division which is amazing for me, I mean I already have a full time, full on job which keeps me working often way into the night and weekends but when you are offered something that you have coveted for years that’s just detail right? The Director that works on my team that I found incredibly difficult to work with had also been exited from the business that week, however no one knew that then.

I couldn’t tell him any of the above and I really wanted to because I was ridiculously excited about it, when he spoke about the Director and his role (he hates him) I said that we would have to wait and see what the future would bring with what his plans were, we talked work a lot but also some other things too, at the last works event PD had told me he thought PD was about 25 which is a bit ridiculous at my age but then there was 22 so erm………. He talked about his sisters so I asked if his sisters were younger or older, he told me their ages and that he was older, so I’d established he was at least 28, he told me later that it was his birthday this week and he would be 29, so he is still 10 years younger than me.

We had a really nice evening, the Basketball was amazing, much better than I expected, he was great company and smelt rather distracting, it is the sort of smell that you don’t want next to you when you need to be watching what is in front of you! I was expecting the tickets to be the kind that you couldn’t give away, however it was a sell-out event in minutes and packed full of celebs, we came out and I had a catch up with some people I know there.

My job is incredibly hard to define, it’s not what I would call a straightforward PA role, when someone asks me what I do I answer with; ‘I know stuff and I make stuff happen’ which is a great description, I know all sorts of things in the business, if something goes wrong I can usually get an answer really fast and if anyone has anything that they need to fly and can’t make happen it’s usually given to me.

When I was catching up with the people I knew I asked if anything had improved since the project I’d ran for them, he said that it had improved greatly and highlighted several area’s including some great news on how the staff morale and motivation as well as increased savings at the same time, all good! As we walked away PG said that he finally understood a bit more about what I did and the importance of all the stuff I do that hardly anyone knows about, I was quite proud of what I’d achieved on a project that was absolutely nothing to do with my job. 

Traffic was nuts so we stopped and had another drink, he always chose to sit next to me, rather than opposite, we had quite a long conversation about families and I was a little sad to hear that he has quite a similar situation with his Mum as I do, to the point that he asked if they were the same person, while it made me feel a bit sad for him it was also nice to know that it wasn’t only me that had a crap deal with it, he said the same and that he feels abnormal when friends talk about how amazing their Mum’s are and his is awful, we left in time for him to get the last train.

He’s not my type, I think you can tell that from the fact it took me 18 months to even notice him so I can’t see it developing into anything romantic but we do share a slightly warped sense of humour and he does smell amazing!

We've been out again since and while I hate the blog being out of date, I've not had time to write it up and it would make this post even longer and it's already pretty long!

By the way I think getting involved with people from work is a really stupid move, one that I haven’t repeated since I did it when I was 21, which would make me even less likely to do anything but I’ve recently had a dating experience that wasn't very nice which has kind of put me off internet dating somewhat!

Monday, 1 January 2018

Round Up...........

I've been a bit strapped for time at the moment and I managed to lose my 22 story after spending two weeks writing it on and off I thought I’d give you a little roundup of what’s been going on in my little world.

22 has been in touch but that’s nothing new, it’s rare that I don’t hear from him at least monthly, as has the Hot Welsh Tennis Coach but again he’s in touch all of the time so nothing exciting.

Shoe Guy has been in touch, he’s not said that he’s bored with the girlfriend but I can’t imagine why he would be in touch with me if that wasn’t the case, I had predicted as much a year ago but unless something changes with him having a girlfriend though I won’t be getting involved.

At one point in the last week I received iffy snapchats from both the Space Cadet and his brother, right at the same moment which had me in fits of laughter, SC offered me Rugby for today but I couldn't be bothered, his brother told me he wished he were single as he would love to be spending some time with me. 

Usual suspects have come out of the woodwork, a very brief conversation with Cunt Face about what a bad time he is having but very much short answers, maybe he is trying to be good?

A couple of months ago I matched with the gorgeous electrician, 6’ ex Royal Marine, lives in the town I work in, we’ve talked a fair bit on and off but although he’s talked about meeting, we never quite get there, his conversation has been amazing, funny, pushing the boundaries but never stepping over them, until Friday when he sent me a cock shot, why do they have to ruin it? I don’t know yet whether he’s being written off for it or not, he’s hot, funny, clearly intelligent and articulate, was it just a late-night lapse but although he tells me he’s shy which is why we haven’t met yet he is ex-military and it’s rare they are shy and he’s being flown out to Sweden this week to teach people Ice Driving, can he be those things and be shy? I can be shy even though no one would ever expect that of the bolshie person they know!

The week before Christmas I had a meeting in London with Procurement Guy, when he messaged me the day before asking if I wanted to meet for a coffee prior to the meeting I expected him to suggest meeting near the venue, instead he asked what time my train was coming in and where to and said he’d meet me at the station. In times where I find that men are rather flaky I have to admit to being impressed at him travelling right across London to meet me before heading right across London again.  

I still don’t see him as my type but he is a nice guy, we had been chatting on Skype, partly work related things, partly flirty banter as I was getting ready to release a big announcement, obviously I didn’t say anything to him as there are masses of things in my role that I can’t talk to anyone about.

The announcement went out to our senior team, on that team is his Director and another Director that he reports to via a dotted line. Within minutes of the announcement dropping in the senior’s inboxes he called me and said ‘were you writing that when we were talking?’ I said that yes, I’d be writing is as we spoke, he said that he knew it was stuff that I couldn’t tell him but it was announcements that he was happy with as they would affect his role and he asked if I’d known when we were at the event the previous month and he’d been moaning about them, I said that I’d known for months now but that until the announcement I couldn’t talk to anyone about it.

Apparently later that day his boss sent him the announcement, he told him that he’d already seen it and was asked how, his answer was:
‘I was in the hotel room with Frog Princess when she was writing it’
Followed by a response from his boss:
To which he finally told him that he was joking and his boss told him he was a fucking idiot!
I found that quite funny.

Apparently most of the questions his boss asks him are answered with some variation on in a hotel room with me, which I have to admit I find quite funny as long as he doesn’t say it to my boss who is totally unlike his and wouldn’t find it amusing in the slightest!

He was waiting at the station when I arrived, the banter started immediately and continued throughout the morning, when we got to the meeting it was a disaster, the ‘Events Team’ had done their usual bad job, booking a room for 50 when we have 250 people coming, we pretty much overruled their decisions all round, he agreed with all of mine and said he didn’t feel that they would do a good job, he was shocked at how bad a job they had done, I have worked with them before so I wasn’t.

We went for lunch after and worked through some plans, before he saw me back to the station, we’ve not spoken much since as it’s Christmas break but had a call with the events group last year, at one point he told them I could do a much better job than the people we are paying but I’m pretty sure his boss saw it as him having a bit of a soft spot for me!

I spent a day Christmas Shopping with the Best Friend and discovered that the girlfriend I knew wasn't my greatest fan really dislikes me and our relationship but I'll cover that more in a later post,  I also had dinner with his ex, who is also a very good friend of mine. 

I have my first date of 2018 on Friday, in London, maybe next week’s post will be a bit more exciting? 

Sunday, 31 December 2017

Don't preach to people about family................

This isn’t really dating related but I do wonder sometimes if it goes some way to explain why I struggle to make attachments to people and take so long to decide if I actually like someone or not?

I guess it’s come to a head as this is the time of year that people should spend with their family and when you tell people you aren’t they tell you that you only have one Mum and that you should put your differences aside because they won’t be around forever, so because someone gave birth to you they should be able to treat you however they like and you should keep forgiving them each and every time? Is that really the case?

I was raised in a single parent family, although we lived with my Nan and some Uncles and Aunt’s until I was a teenager, I have never met my father properly, they had split before I was born, apparently he saw me once when I was about six month old and I continued to see his parents in my early years until I decided at about 6 that I didn’t want to anymore (I’m not sure that I could make informed decisions at that age if I’m honest but I assume that it worked out better for my Mum that way)

The only man I’ve ever really had a father/daughter relationship with was my Grandad, he and my Mum never got on as she found out at 16 that he wasn’t her Dad, I still can’t understand how she could be angry with him for something that was totally out of his control, if anything he was the person that took on someone else’s child? I’ll never get that one as I think he was a truly great man and has always been my real life hero.

I can’t remember my Mum being around much while I was a child, I guess all being in the same house it was easy to leave me with my extended family while she went out and my Nan had me a lot, she told me as a child that she had wanted an abortion but my Nan wouldn’t let her, that is something that your child should never know, not ever and it’s always stayed with me, maybe it’s added to the reasons why I’ve felt like the unwanted child. 

She also made it clear that she had wanted a boy, when I was born she only had a boy’s name, as that was what she wanted so my Nan named me, a year later my Nan had another son, he has the name my Mum had for me, as a child she spent more time with him than she did with me.

Apparently from the time I was tiny I had wanted a dog, it was I’m told not far off my first word and a word that I used frequently over the years, ‘what would you like for Christmas?’ ‘A puppy’ when I was little we got one, a Black Labrador that I called Tank, I totally adored him but it wasn’t even a week before my puppy was sent back for going to toilet on the floor (seriously what did they think that puppies did?) I remember being devastated when he was taken away, it was an early lesson for me in promises that she wouldn’t keep and that what she gave with one hand she took with another. 

When I was 8 a lot happened, my super special Grandad died, I can still remember my Aunt (that he was living with by that time) walking into my Nan’s, I didn’t need to hear the words I knew what had happened and was devastated, apparently at the funeral they literally had to hold me back from running into the grave with the coffin. 

My Mum also got married that year to a man that she had met via some kind of forces pen pals dating, he was in the RAF and I think they had met one or two times before getting married, I can’t really remember a great deal about it or him, I think I had maybe met him once before the wedding, at this time she also decided to change my surname, I’d never had my father’s name but I remember being at school and having to tell everyone that I wasn’t called what I was before, I remember it all being quite confusing at the time, I now had the same surname of a man I barely knew, the marriage lasted less than six months, as a small mercy at least she didn’t decide to change my name back and make me go through all of that again. 

We also had our first and only holiday that year, a week in Spain with my Great Aunt and her son, it was great but we never went again.

There were various ‘friends’ I was introduced to  and trotted out to meet over the years, I don’t think that there was much time that she was on her own, I don’t think I ever got to know anyone terribly well, there was a guy at one point but he was literally just a friend, he was lovely and was brilliant with me, when they fell out or she decided she didn’t want anything more than friendship I wasn’t allowed to see him anymore, I remember being quite upset about that, I loved it there and was really fond of him, I guess I learnt then that I shouldn’t get too close to people as they could be gone as quickly as they arrived.

When I was 13 a boy I went to school had a dog that had, had puppies, we had been friends for years and I badgered at home until they finally gave in, provided that I looked after him, I met him at four weeks old and it was love at first sight, I adored him and he seemed to feel the same about me, he eventually came home a few weeks later and we did everything together.

It was at his dog training classes that my Mum met my Step Dad, he had a Border Collie puppy of a similar age to my little scruffy friend and like the other people at club all used to talk, it wasn’t long before they became ‘friends’ and then more than that.

At about that time we moved out of my Nan’s into a lovely but small 2 bedroom house, only a few miles away, however my Mum would be up at his house most evenings and every weekend from Friday to Sunday, I was dragged up there a lot in the evenings at first but left at home on my own mostly at weekends, by then another dog had come along, so I was left alone to look after him and my little one, I didn’t think much of it at the time but seriously who leaves a 13 year old alone for days at a time? 

I guess I went a little off the rails in my teenage years, I was out clubbing from about 15, house parties at mine (well there was no one there) I remember one week when she grounded me 7 times, then went out each time and actually expected me to stay in, I didn’t of course and she soon gave up on trying to discipline me as it was too much like hard work for her. 

While I was a bit of a wild child I still understood boundaries even then, I never did anything really stupid and hung around with a good group of people, there was the odd party that ended with a very occasional visit from the police about noise, a little bit of drugs and a LOT of alcohol.

I was lucky that I had good people around me to keep me on the right track really I think, the person I’d met at dog training at 13 had taken me under her wing and I spent a lot of time with her and her partner, I showed their dogs for them all over the country and spent time with them whenever I could, I also had my best friend/Mum hybrid, who is 10 years older than me but has always been a great source of stability for me, her kids were young when I first met them and I’ve been as much a staple in their lives as their Mum has for me, she’s been the person I’ve always run to, even now.  

I can’t really remember my Mum being a major part in my life for very long periods, if there wasn’t a man involved she used to take me to things so she wasn’t alone,  so I guess at those points we were closer but I soon got used to being pulled in and pushed away when the next thing came along. 

My Mum was strange as I was growing up, she messages me and tells me she loves me now but I can’t remember hearing that as a child, she is a self-confessed ‘not a cuddly’ person, I get that, totally but I also find a person that doesn’t cuddle their child very strange. 

W@nk Bag and his family were similar, they didn’t do affection, he was described to me early on an ‘emotional retard’ but it took a while before I realised the extent of it. I knew his sister long before him and her daughter used to cling to me because her Mum didn’t do affection, what sort of parent can’t cuddle their own child? I guess the little girl reminded me a bit of myself as a child, absolutely craving affection, no child should ever feel that and it makes me massively sad when I see a relationship like that, incidentally her child is grown up now and barely sees her Mum at all as they have such a strained relationship.

My Mum has a long history with trying to buy me off, however one of her greatest efforts was when I was 17, I was taking driving lessons and one day she was dropping me off at the Best Friend/Mum Hybrid’s house, which was a couple of miles away, as we turned into the close she said ‘I’m pregnant but I’ll buy you that car you want’ I had few words, apart from to tell her that I was the one that was at the age where I should be doing stupid things like that. I didn’t know they wanted children, he didn’t have any and she’d never wanted me and had in my opinion done an awful job of bringing me up, it had never been discussed in front of me, I guess she never had to tell me those things?

I remember walking in and telling my Friend/Mum Hybrid, she was as horrified as me at how I’d been told, she wanted a boy and was annoyed again when she realised she was having another girl, my sister was born 8 days before my 18th birthday and was joined by another one a year or so later, I really hoped that she would change and to be fair it looked like maybe she had, the girls had so much that I’d not had as a child, my Step Dad was fairly well off and the girls had everything they could possibly want,  including a lovely Dad but they also had a lot of things that were totally unnecessary and I thought was her buying their affection, just like she had with me.

My Step Dad and I got on quite well but I was 13 by the time he arrived, I’d never had a Dad and didn’t want or need a pretend one but he was a good man and a good person, if anything he was probably too good for her, he paid all of her debt off and made sure she had everything she could ever want and much more.

When my sisters were born I was told that should anything happen to my Step Dad I would be their legal guardian, it was written into the wills, if they died it would be up to me to look after them and their inheritance until they were old enough to look after themselves, at that point I learnt that I wasn’t included in that will in anything other than a share in my Mum’s jewellery, apparently because the rest had come from my Step Dad it would be split between the two of them, my Mum had always to the day he died told me that he looked at me as his own, so if he did why was this the case, how could you treat your children so differently?

When I was 23 she told me she was moving in with my Step Dad (they weren’t married by that point) He had a three bedroom house but his Mum lived there too, so with my Mum and two sisters moving in there would be no room for me, I get that I was 23 and maybe I should have moved out earlier but I also lived in one of the most expensive towns in the Country.

I had been with my boyfriend at the time for about 9 months and was kind of pushed into us moving in together which we just weren’t ready for, she wouldn’t even wait until we’d found a flat so I moved in with him and his parents for a few months first. 

His parents were the first sense of great parents I’d really known, I’d first met them on a Sunday morning when I was leaving his soon after we’d got together, they had five boys and I was treated immediately like the daughter that they never had, they did lots together, dinners, parties and soon became the people that I treated like the family I’d not really had, they were close, affectionate and I’m pretty sure that they were totally unshakeable, one of their son’s recently came out as transsexual and although I’m sure initially they were shocked but they have totally supported him, just as I would have expected him to.

In the five years that we were together they were my family, I was often round there both with and without my boyfriend, we bought our house together the following year and I’d go and discuss what I wanted to do, I’d arrive home from work one day to find his Dad there doing it for us, I feel a bit bad for saying this but they were one of the reasons that when things started going wrong I stayed for so long, I knew that I would lose the family that I loved so much too. 
One of the things that started the breakdown of our relationship was that he wanted children, preferably yesterday, at that time though and largely due to the relationship I had with my Mum I didn’t think I wanted children and it started to put the strain on, I was also still young and he would have waited but I didn’t think that would ever change at the time and I started to think that there was more out there for me, he wanted to tie me down and I was still a fairly wild thing who had tried hard at settling for a gorgeous man and a beautiful home with a lovely family but wasn’t quite there with no sign of it being in the near future.

When it finally ended we were all devastated but it couldn’t continue any longer, we have been split up for 12 years now but they still send me a Christmas and Birthday card and keep in touch when anything major happens, they are totally wonderful people who gave me some idea of how a family could be, if I ever manage to have one myself!

My Mum and Step Dad eventually got married as they wanted to all have the same name, so I was the only one left with the name of the man that she had been married to for six months when I was eight, how bizarre is it that I am the only one that has been left with the aftermath of her mistakes?

My Mum had always had a very tumultuous relationship with my Nan and she’d made a big deal of having to do things even though they didn’t get along, she even said she hated being there when she was dying as she hadn’t treated her well and for a time I did that too, I went to visit at Christmas and Birthdays and made an effort to see her weekly, the girls are lovely and I love them but I was always treated very differently which although I’ve tried not to let it bother me I guess it always has.
My Step Dad became ill, he had a degenerative disease that over the years took away all of his functions, his movement, his speech, his ability to do anything for himself, being able to eat, communicate, in the end the only thing that seemed to work was his brain, for a man that had always been really able it must have been awful, he was given 5-8 years but the disease started to rob him of his functions quickly, that was the next form of bribery from my Mum, if I wanted to go away for Christmas she told me that it might be his last, so I did it, I ran every time, each time he was hospitalised I dropped everything to be there, I did love him, not as a Dad but as a person that had been part of my life for a long time. 

He loved my Mum, he must have to have put up with her shit for so long, she ruled him with a rod of iron, she made his Mum’s life difficult in her own home and was delighted when she finally got her moved into a home, she alienated his brothers family, the family that before he met her he spent so much time with.

Throughout his illness I struggled with seeing him, I couldn’t understand him and felt awful for that but I also hated how she treated him, I have no doubt that looking after someone with a condition like that isn’t easy but she would shout at him for always wanting to eat when but when he was able to it was one of the few pleasures he had left, she’d shout at him for not being able to understand him, it was totally embarrassing and I hated seeing him berated like it, especially in front of my sisters who were still young. 

He died five years ago, my sisters were 14 and 16, some of what I felt was relief, relief that he was finally out of the misery that trapped him and that his pain was over, I also felt sad that my sisters had lost their Dad so young.  She was an embarrassment at the funeral, not once were his brother and family mentioned that he had been so close to, I was disgusted with her, they were terribly upset and he had loved them, they should have been mentioned without doubt, I mentioned it to her at the funeral, she said she had ‘forgot’ to me it showed just how twisted she really was, from that day onwards his brother and family have had nothing to do with her and my sisters have lost another part of their family and their history.

That year I did the whole Christmas thing with them but I promised myself that it was the last year I’d be held to ransom, I went over, watched my sisters get ridiculously spoiled while I got a couple of presents that I didn’t want or need and left feeling like the unwanted child again, I have kept that promise and not been for Christmas since.

That year she offered me some money in order to move from my flat to somewhere with a garden, I’ve always wanted a garden but said it wasn’t necessary and when I had the money I would move,  however she had, had a couple of big pay outs due to my Step Dad’s illness, she took me to look at houses and two weeks later told me that she wasn’t going to do it, now although I’d love a garden, I’d never have looked at houses I couldn’t afford, it was just like that puppy when I was a kid, given with one hand taken with another, I think what was worse was that I’d not asked for it, it was totally her suggestion.

The Christmas after that she asked me what I wanted, I told her that I wanted a digital SLR camera and if she could give me some money towards it that would be great, she told me that she would buy it for me, I said there was no need but she insisted, a few days later she sent me a photo of a cheap bridge camera telling me that she was going to buy it for me, instead of giving in for probably the first time I stood my ground and said no, that wasn’t what I wanted and if she didn’t want to buy the one that I wanted some money towards it would be lovely, as we’d discussed, she told me she’d get it for me after Christmas, on Christmas Day I rang to say Merry Christmas as I did each year, she asked what I’d got and I said nothing, I was single at the time, she told me what she’d got and I asked about the girls, her words were ‘it’s easier to tell you what they didn’t get’ I was used to her behaviour by now but even with that in mind it was still hard to swallow and made me cry before I went out. 

My Mum quickly went back to her old ways one my Step Dad had died, I had heard from someone that the girls were being left alone for weekends while she went to meet men she’d met on Internet dating sites, now I’m the last person in the world to criticise internet dating that but I’m pretty sure that I’d not be leaving my kids that had not long lost their Dad to go and meet random men and definitely not in hotels, I checked in on the girls and told them that I was here if they needed me, what else could I do?

I had to play the adult in our relationship from pretty early on, I was used to it and I tried to talk to her about leaving my sisters alone, she wasn’t interested, she took the opportunity to tell me that I was a selfish bitch and was just like my Dad and that I was jealous of my sisters, while I was totally ok with being a bitch, I wasn’t ok with having a man that I’d never met thrown at me, I wasn’t the one that had chosen to have a relationship with someone she obviously hated and got pregnant by them, I don’t know if I am like him, how could I tell that about a man I’ve never met but I assume that as I have 50% of his genes I do share some of his traits, how could I not?
I don’t think I’m jealous of my sisters but I guess I am a bit jealous of how they are treated, I had a tough upbringing and they’ve been handed anything they wanted, I couldn’t go to University as I couldn’t afford to go and support myself, they have both gone, I had one holiday as a kid they have had several a year, I had a puppy, they had 6 (that’s not even a joke!)

Weirdly my father has three other children, all girls that went to the same school with my sisters, my Mum made a point of telling me that she sees him at school picking them up, I’m not even sure why you would share this information, I know nothing about the man, apart from his job and the area  where he lives, I have five half-sisters, three of them I wouldn’t know if they walked past me in the street, how strange is that?

I think those messages with her were exchanged in around 2014 and I just can’t get past her throwing that at me, I didn’t choose to be born, in the time that’s passed since we’ve spent about an hour together in I think summer of 2015, I agreed to meet her for lunch, which I did and I couldn’t get away quickly enough, to this day I’ve not had an apology for her behaviour, largely because she won’t think she’s done anything wrong and probably partly because she will have forgotten. 

She sends me messages on Facebook message every month or so, I won’t add her on there as I don’t want her to see what I’m doing, each time I see her name pop up my heart sinks, I’ve just got nothing for her, I would love to have a close relationship with my Mum like the ones that lots of my friends have with theirs but I don’t ever see that happening, she often asks when we can meet, I tell her I’m busy, what else can I say, should I tell her the truth? I guess at some point I’ll have to?

Life with her is a vicious circle, she’s nice for a little bit, then she’s nasty, then she’s nice, I just can’t keep putting myself through it, even for the woman that gave birth to me, in the interest of fairness when W@nk Bag and I split she was amazing and I hoped it would be the change for us what I didn’t realise was that we were getting on really well because I was so broken that I had no fight in me, she told me I was staying at hers for a few days and I wasn’t in a fit state to say no, I was happy for someone to control what I was doing but once the real me started to return so did the problems. 

This year she has done it again, I got a message a few months ago saying that she was moving, half way across the country, I knew there would be a man involved but said nothing as I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction, I spoke to my sisters who were devastated, both were in their first year of uni and the oldest of the two was struggling with being away from home so was coming home every weekend to see her friends and feel like home.

Neither of the girls wanted to be uprooted, their Dad had been born in the house, all of their friends were there, they confirmed there was a man involved, neither knew a lot about him, one had met him briefly once, the other hadn’t even met him, despite all of this she sold their childhood home and moved anyway, I shouldn’t have expected anymore but again tried to play the adult and attempted a conversation, it was just wasted on her, she didn’t care about uprooting my sisters, just being closer to this new man.

She’s been gone a few months now, I only know the County she lives in, it’s where the bloke she’s seeing lives, I guess at least I know she won’t marry this one, if she did she would lose her rather significant pension, I was hopeful that she would have learnt from her experience with me and tried to have a better relationship with my sisters, I honestly wish that she would have put them first and tried to have at least one out of three of the children in her life that she didn’t need to try and buy. 

On Christmas morning she sent me a ‘Merry Christmas’ message, I wrote back but as usual tried hard not to get into conversation, on Instagram last night my sister had posted a photo of her presents from my Mum under the tree, there were loads, including several designer label bags, it’s been around 5 years now since I’ve had a present off of her for my birthday or Christmas, am I selfish? Maybe I am?

Over the years there have been some awkward situations, like when I started this job, they needed to see my birth certificate, my birth certificate clearly states, ‘Father Unknown’ do you have any idea how it feels to hand that over to your new employer? I felt like it said, ‘my mother is a slapper’ he isn’t unknown and she could have done me the courtesy to have a name on there, even if it was the name of a man she hated, I also had to hand over a deed pole form, of when my name was changed to the name of the man she married. Each time someone asks where my unusual surname comes from I’m embarrassed, no, it’s not my Dad’s name, no, it’s not my Mum’s family name, it’s the name of some stranger I barely knew.

My mother has trotted me out for occasions over the years, when I was still blind enough to not realise, I was touted as the daughter that she raised alone, that has a good job and her own home, hadn’t she done well, doing all of that alone?

I have done ok for myself but I don’t want to be used as something to try to impress her friends, while I do have a good job and I do have my own (small) home (I’m always the first to admit that it’s owned majorly by the mortgage company though!) I don’t think she can take the credit for most of it, a lot of it has been a battle, something that my Mum will never understand is doing things alone, she’ll never know understand the pressure of a job or a mortgage because she’s never had either.

I don’t think that children should ever be kept from their parents or used as weapons between parent or that there is any excuse in the world for ‘I don’t see my children’ I can’t comprehend any excuse that would be enough, how could you walk away from a person that you are responsible for making?

I’ve been told many times, by many people that I’m nothing like my Mum and I hope on every level that is true, I think myself lucky that I have some great people in my life that have been the family that I choose, there is a lot more to family than blood.

Never tell someone you only get one Mum or Dad when you don’t understand the circumstances, we all know you only get one set of parents and for some of us that is a good thing because not all of them are amazing, families are complicated and not all people deserve to be parents and not all of us should keep taking shit from people just because they gave birth to us. 

Monday, 11 December 2017

My Knight in Shining Leathers…………….

Walked into my life on a Saturday night in May 2009.

I’d called time on my big love on Valentines Day and was totally broken, despite living in the village since 2006 it was my first night out locally since I’d arrived here three years before and I was out for a neighbours birthday, who had not far off dragged me out kicking and screaming, I’d already been over to my home town for a night out and been out with friends but was suffering quite badly with depression and anxiety so something new was just a whole lot of stress. 

We had a few to drink at hers first before venturing out, I had no idea where we were, it was all back lanes and little paths through the wood, we arrived at the local football club, where a band were playing, it turned out to be a good night of drinking, dancing and laughter.

Then this guy came up to me and said ‘I’m sure I know you from somewhere’ to which I replied ‘I doubt that, I’m not from around here’ I can clearly remember looking around the room and trying to work out why he was talking to me, he was GORGEOUS, a year older than me, 6’2, brown eyed, brown hair, classically handsome, nice shoulders, good body, lovely to talk to.

I had come out of a relationship after five years with an emotional bully, he told me I was fat (but when I later found out he has slept with someone else she was much bigger than me and he married her, go figure) and all sorts of other damning things that had completely destroyed my confidence over the years so I genuinely couldn’t understand why this gorgeous man was talking to me when we were in a room full of people.

Before the end of the night the friend I was out with did a disappearing act, which I learned later was pretty normal for her, he knew where she lived as everyone knows each other here so he said he would walk home with me as he was only in the next street and a few houses away.

He walked me home and came in for tea, the flirting continued which led to lots of rather unexpected and great sex, he spent the night telling me I was beautiful, amazing and all of the nice things that a girl could expect to hear, when we weren’t having sex he spent his time cuddling me and it was a good 12 hours before he said he’d better head home, he kissed me goodbye and left.

And that was it until a couple of weeks later I walked into the local pub and there he was, without the alcohol I’d had to drink last time, he was if anything more gorgeous than I remembered, as soon as he saw me he came and gave me a kiss and hug like we’d known each other forever which was rather unexpected, my neighbour was quite surprised that she had witnessed that as he is ‘not like that with anyone and she’d known him since he was a kid.

He walked me home that night too but we did actually sit and talk this time, I knew that a girl from the village had recently died of an overdose, what I didn’t know until then was that it was his ex girlfriend and someone that despite her being an ex he cared for, he talked and I listened, eventually we ended up in bed again, more great sex, compliments, cuddles, again it was the middle of the day before he left with a kiss goodbye.

This happened a few times over the passing months, I wasn’t ready for anything more and neither was he but we had such a lovely, easy ‘relationship’ at times we came home together, other times we didn’t but he was always the same, each time I saw him I got the same greeting and we always talked, other times we would come home together, we’d talk, end up in bed, he’d kiss me goodbye at some point the next day, if you were ever going to have a friends with benefits, this was definitely the way to do it.

At some point during this time we became friends on Facebook and through that discovered that we were both movie lovers, he messaged me saying he had a great movie that I ought to see, he then brought it round, we watched it together and ended up in bed, every time he had something he thought I’d like he’d arrive on my doorstep, sometimes he’d stay and watch it with me, other times he’d just drop it off and leave, I’d messaged saying I’d watched it, discuss the movie and then he’d come and replace it with something else, his taste in movies was impeccable, off the wall and he never failed to bring something that I didn’t love.

On one of these occasions he arrived on his bike; in his leathers which is where his name comes from, leathers can look good or bad on a man but a man with an incredible body in leathers is really quite a sight and he didn’t disappoint, that may have been an occasion where I was disappointed that he didn’t come in!

I loved how easy things were between us, no matter how long it was since we’d seen each other it was never any different, we sometimes exchanged messages between, we sometimes didn’t, there was never any expectation and I liked that, I think he did too but also there was never that empty feeling that I have found can come with sex but it wasn’t just sex.

Christmas that year he turned up on my doorstep, he was upset as his Gran had died, he said that I was the one person he could talk to and it never mattered what he said, I thought that was rather lovely, I comforted him, we talked things through and he stayed.

We have confided in each other about all sorts of things over the years, it was me he turned to when he was having problems with his girlfriend and asked what he should do, when he was having family issues it was my door he knocked on, that’s not the only time he’s turned up though, his timing over the years has been impeccable, his ability to know I’m having a bad time and to arrive at my door with a great movie has always been incredible.

Over the years our ‘relationship’ has evolved into different things, there’s been sex, friendship, companionship, comfort, advice, sometimes all of those things have been together at other times independent of each other, over the years this has continued on and off, at one point I was seeing someone for about a year and he was too, though I don’t think at the same time, so during those times the sex stopped but we never did stop being friends, if he sees me now he’ll stop the car if he can so that we can chat.

I don’t honestly think that he would ever realise that he’s been a bit of a hero in my life, although I have told him in the past, he totally doesn’t get how important he was in that first year after the break up, it was incredibly hard for me and he was the one that scooped me up, told me how amazing I was and made me realise that there were not only good men out there but good men that were incredibly hot, he definitely set the bar for dating! He is the one that turned up through those early days when life was really shit, he’s the one that when someone in the village was bragging that they’d slept with me he unashamedly pulled them up on it (after checking with me that it wasn’t true) he is the person that I know wouldn’t be in a room if someone was slagging me off and not totally defend me.

The last time we slept together was about 18 months ago, it was the first time in a while and rather unexpected as I kind of thought we were ‘done’ with the whole sex thing, seems we weren’t, I felt a shift that night though, it didn’t quite feel the same for me, I just wasn’t as ‘into’ it as I had been before and in the morning when he suggested sex again I said I wasn’t feeling it (which he knew isn’t very like me) for the first time, he was totally cool with it though just as I would expect and I think that sadly because my head is out of having sex with him that will be the last time, shame as that might be, however I know that we will always be friends and would be there for each other at the drop of a hat.

I had never really believed that Friends With Benefits was a concept that could be successful before this and I’m still not sure that I believe there are many situations where it can work and not feel unfulfilling and empty but on this occasion it worked perfectly.

Although I myself forget this quite often, good men and superhero’s really do exist, sometimes they live just a few doors away and instead of a cape they wear bike leathers just like My Knight in Shining Leathers does.

Thursday, 7 December 2017

When your heart and head are in opposition.....

I don’t really have a great deal to report currently, I was supposed to have a date with a Bumble match next week but work have put paid to that by changing the meeting I was going to and with there being a significant distance between us rearranging isn’t terribly easy, however so far we appear to have quite a lot in common so we will see!

I’ve had a bit of a wobble this week, I’ve seen some updates on Instagram of Cunt Face’s and I can tell from them that he’s having a bad time, there is still a part of me that wants to reach out to him but I know that no good will come from that, it never has. There have been a couple of times this week that I have had to quite literally step away from my phone to stop me sending a message.

I’ve done the whole depression thing several times, I know how hard it is and I think that’s what makes me want to get in contact, it was me who told him what it was when it was happening last year but it was also me that supported him through it, got him to go and see his doctor and encouraged him to get some help, all while he had a girlfriend that I knew nothing about.

While I would like to think that it’s Karma doing it’s job I don’t believe that depression happens as a result of your actions, it happens to good people too and is just a horrible thing that actually never really goes away, it’s just better or worse at times.

I nearly broke this morning, I don’t know why, I wasn’t even thinking of him when it popped into my head to message him, I did get rid of it but currently it’s in my mind, I have no idea why, we have had no contact now in over two months and I really do intend to keep it that way, it’s not even that I see a future in it, it’s been a long time since I’ve been at that point with him, I guess I just find it hard to switch off caring about someone.

Don’t think from that statement that I’m a pushover, by no means am I, in fact those closest to me would tell you quite the opposite but then it’s rare that even those people ever see me break, I don’t take people into my life and heart easily at all, I can walk away from anyone and anything but that doesn’t mean I find it an easy thing to do.

My heart and head are in opposition but I know I wouldn't trust another muscle in my body to make decisions meant for my head and it's rare that my heart makes good decisions, with W@nk Bag for example, my heart spend five years telling me that's where I needed to be, until one day my head managed to overrule it and make a sensible (although heart breaking) decision. 

In other news Procurement Guy continues to be in touch at work and we are meant to be doing a venue visit together next week, he has offered a cheese toastie as bribery, does he know that cheese is ultimately the way to my heart?

The hot Welsh Tennis Coach has reappeared (this is a super original name as he is Welsh, lives in Wales and is a Tennis Coach!) he does this quite often and we have never really lost contact, I’m not sure I wrote about him at the time (about 18 months ago) as we never got to meeting, we were going to then he met someone, he told me and I was happy for him, he then decided he wanted to be friends, which I was also cool with, then he decided she wouldn’t like it if we were, I was cool with that too, I’ll talk more about him some other time.