Monday, 18 September 2017

Where do they get their timing from?

After two weeks of no conversation at all, when I was hurt and upset as I came out in the interval from the show we were stood in the foyer and a message popped onto my screen ‘Cunt Face’ was the name staring at me.
All the message said was ‘How’s you trouble’ but it made all sorts of feelings bubble, it also made me smile, which by this time was very much needed and maybe a little growl.

Had it arrived a few days earlier I don’t think I’d have replied but a few hours later I did, if anything I was a bit off with him but we chatted a bit via message, it came up that I was meant to be going up that way the next day.

At that point I felt like I ought to go, for one I needed to be kept busy so I didn’t wallow and for two our rider had fallen off the day before, he does it every time I don’t cuddle him before he goes out, so I’d got a bit of a ribbing about not going from the team, including New Mechanic.

I was fairly surprised when I got a message saying ‘If you do come up let me know I’ll come and see you or something x’

I guess I’m fairly used to me saying I’m around and him saying he’s not, I was a bit surprised to say the least.
I woke up at 6 on Sunday morning and decided that I would go, so I made the two and a half hour journey up, New Mechanic came out to meet me with my pass, kiss, hug, as usual.

I had a nice day but despite being surrounded by a lot of people I felt quite lonely, lovey dovey couples seemed to be out in force to rub my nose in it and I continued (and continue) to beat myself up about what I did wrong, how I couldn’t tell he was a shit in gentleman’s clothing etc, I was a little more subdued than normal, I didn’t really realise until my friend text me later to check if I was ok.

I messaged Cunt Face saying ‘I take it you aren’t popping over then?!’ around 4:30 and didn’t expect to hear anything else, he had told me that he was having the car on a rolling road so I was expecting an excuse, when I got ‘Just near home welcome to pop in for a brew if you want’


I asked how far it was in relation to where I was, he said about half hour, however it was in the wrong direction, now here is the dilemma…………………

If I go to his house we know where it’s likely to end up don’t we? I’m upset, feel like shit about myself, have been beating myself up for days, had I not been out all day and was wearing better underwear I might just have gone but it was probably for the best………….but I wanted to go to his house, I wanted to see if there was any sign of a girlfriend, I’d only been half-heartedly invited before but this time he’d sent his postcode, I could investigate……..

Acting on my better judgement I suggested he come down to where I was and we meet in a pub, I expected a ‘no’ I didn’t get one, instead he asked where I wanted to meet, I let him chose a pub and instead of picking one that I needed to go miles to find he picked one within five minutes of where I was, at that point I was grateful to have my makeup bag and some perfume in the car.

I am pretty sure he has a girlfriend now, following some digging but I can’t prove that, I’ve not asked but every time I’ve seen him he’s volunteered that it’s not the case and he is single, normally this would bother me and it was on my list to possibly bring up that night, dependent on where the conversation took us.  

When I got to the pub he was waiting in the car, I’d already felt the nerves on the way there, didn’t know what I was heading into, however I’d spent the last few days feeling pretty numb and I wanted to feel something, I was pretty sure he’d make that happen, one way or the other.

I wasn’t wrong, we walked towards each other and he immediately wrapped me in his arms and kissed me, on the mouth but not a proper kiss, we probably both held on a little tighter and longer than we should have, he holds me so tight that I can feel the stress coming out of me.

We spent the next three and a half hours laughing and talking, at points during the evening he held my hand, kissed my hand and at one point held onto my wedding finger, which I didn’t get until I was on my way home later. In the good old days before I knew about the girlfriend that he said was his lodger he used to refer to me as his wife, I can’t believe I’d forgotten especially after all the times I’d jokingly sent him a photo of a set of divorce papers as a joke, if only I’d known back then.

He again apologised for his behaviour last year, at this point I nearly brought up the girlfriend, I think I was stopped by the fact that my weekend had been so shit and emotional I just wanted to enjoy what time we had together and would I get the truth anyway? I’m normally a girl that wouldn’t dream of touching someone else’s boyfriend but in this instance, I honestly didn’t feel like I cared, that’s his job, not mine.

He told me lovely things about myself all night long, said I was sexy, how he loved my company, I always make him laugh, always thinks I’m younger than I am, that I’m much more reasonable than anyone he knows, now you are sat reading this thinking ‘she knows from experience he’s full of bullshit’ and you are right, I do but what CD has been telling me for the last two months has been bullshit too, the only difference was that I didn’t know with him and I do with CF.

After two drinks, three and a half hours and a stupid amount of flirting we left, he walked me to my car (which was a bit mad as it was nearly opposite his!) He again wrapped me in his arms and I have to say it felt amazingly good, everything I felt bubbled back to the surface, even thinking about it now has given me goosebumps, he kissed me again and then we said goodbye, as he walked off he slapped my arse (fairly usual) and I turned and looked at him at which point he walked back to me and cuddled me again.

Normally this goes on for a while before we have a proper, old fashioned snog, however this time unlike every other there is no doubt that I kissed him.

It’s different with him, with CD it was quite slow, nice, gentle kissing with CF it’s we literally can’t keep our hands off each other, hot ‘I want you’ kissing, you couldn’t compare it, he pulled my hair a little and in return I put my hand down his back and to be fair I know exactly what that does to him.

He was getting a little out of hand in a public car park so I pushed him back just a little and said goodnight, I think we both left with a smile as he told me to message when I got home.

The attraction between us when we are together is off the scale, in fact probably so much so that I’m not sure it would be sustainable long term, we struggle to let go of each other when we are together, we always have but each time I’ve walked away from him it’s gotten a little easier – that’s got to be good right? I don’t think we’d work out long term, I’d never trust him for one.

I have very little doubt where we would have ended up had I gone to his for tea, maybe that would have been good, maybe bad, I don’t know, I’m not totally unconvinced that at some point in the future it won’t happen though.
I know he’ll go off radar soon and I’m not going to say I’m ok with that but I know it’s coming and I’ll deal with it when it does.

I felt a little power shift this weekend I think, he suggested meeting, he came to me, he was the last to send a message last night.

I sent him this today, it’s probably quite apt for where we are right now………………..

Maybe Cunt Face is my DuckTape? We all know that DuckTape probably won’t be a forever fix but it does have its uses for repairing things in the short term?

Cake Destroyer – Autopsy Edition

So, last update I was debating my feelings for Cake Destroyer but I was trying to allay them with the fact that we appeared to get on really well. I was concerned that I had maybe built him up to be something he wasn’t, I was in fact right about this. 

He was quieter, although the messages were still really long, I can read into anything to make it that they are interested but the last one even I couldn’t read into(attached) however something still felt off. I was battling with how I felt anyway but I had decided that maybe I spend too much time worrying about the aesthetics and that maybe I had more of a chance with someone that maybe wasn’t what I normally go for in looks but that had his moral compass pointing in the same direction as mine and that I got on well with, they do say looks don’t last forever don’t they? 

The last message I had from him appeared quite positive and would indicate he wanted to see each other again?

I got this message on Friday morning and I have to say that I was a bit miffed at this, not that he wouldn’t have time to message me, I’m totally fine with that and with him being busy but that he’d read the message I’d sent 18 hours previously and he’d been online since, my response wasn't meant as snotty, it was a 'I really don't know what's happening here' 

The message remained unread for 24 hours, I kept checking if he’d been online, he hadn’t, felt a bit shitty all day if I’m honest and I probably have RSI from checking my phone, to be honest if you send a message like that you probably know the answer. 

I went to bed early, I was feeling hurt already, I woke up at 7 andhe'd been online in the middle of the night (I assume when he'd got home) my message remained unread, to me it was the kind of message that if you were bothered and you'd have seen it you would have responded immediately, I went back to sleep. 

When I woke up again I could see that he’d read it but again no response, 27 hours after it was sent I saw typing and my heart was in my mouth, the response was both what I was kind of expecting and what I didn’t want it to be. 

 It seemed like a bit of a bullshit response to me if I'm honest. 

I was upset, upset because if he was the person he had spent two months telling me that he was he would have sent the message before I had to push him into it. I spent Saturday pretty upset if I’m honest, upset at myself for letting my guard down, upset at him because I don’t feel what he has said is true, upset because I’ve wasted another two months, upset because my radar is obviously so badly wrong. 

I'd like to say that I didn't respond, however being me, I did, I also called him out on his actions and the fact that from day one we had talked about honesty and that he hadn't been. 

A day of crying ensued, I didn’t leave my bedroom until late afternoon, sat down to lunch, couldn’t eat it. I had plans with a friend that evening, which may in fact be a stroke of luck, if you remember he’d asked for us to meet that evening, that’s when date three should have been but I’d had plans, otherwise he’d have been coming to spend the night at mine and this could be a whole lot messier. 

The friend I was going out with knows the story, I’d only told her recently as she had joined Tinder and I said they weren’t all bad, ha, how far wrong can a girl be?! It took a lot of will to get me out of the front door, I wanted to cancel but we had tickets and I didn’t want to let her down, I told her I’d do my makeup at hers as I had that awful swollen crying for hours face, I cried as I left, on the way and when I got there, she’d got me flowers, which made me cry again! 

We had a nice evening, the show which was a Dirty Dancing Tribute was good, dinner was good, I welled up a couple of times but held it together. 

So, you’re wondering why I feel so hurt after just three dates? I get that I totally do. 

However, when I got in the car that evening I looked at the date and it had been going on for exactly two months, in this time I have seen him through most of RAF basic training, I’ve picked him up when he’s down, I’ve cheered him on when he didn’t think he could do it, I’ve been super patient between dates, I’ve been understanding, mostly I’ve been kind, really kind, I guess I feel that I’ve fulfilled my purpose for him now. 

We’ve exchanged messages each and every day, sometimes lots, sometimes just one, all long and involved, not your normal one liner text messages, at least 10 sentences, often telling me what he liked about me and how much and how he was looking forward to me testing his limits to ensure that he was actually a diamond instead of a twat in tinfoil. 

In the last 6 weeks, we have exchanged 425 messages, plus two weeks of Tinder messaging before that, all of his messages are long and when I say long I've done a work count and they average about 250 words a message, below is an example (it was far too long for screenshotting):

Yeah I've come to learn that over the years, and wished I'd dodged sooner. 

Rest assured that they definitely aren't. Excellent, can't wait to experience this 🤗

They'll be ready and waiting for you, no worries about that.

They grew some tomatoes in their garden so she did home made tomato soup for starter, which was insanely good, then a roast for main and apple pie for dessert.

Really? You do bring the glamour, that's a certainty. That's okay, you know I love cats so I'm happy with them joining in. I'll bring along some suitable movies too.

You wouldn't have to sleep alone though, I'll solve that issue. There isn't much by way of equal distance between us- places like Stratford and Warwick seem to have cinema shortages! Shall I just head your way instead?

Please do, they're yours to enjoy.

So winters for you are normally spent filling the voids left by superbike season? What do you normally do with yourself?

I'm sure they won't be, but you can practise your skills on me nonetheless, I'll happily volunteer for that. Pretty certain I'll feel 100% better once I seen you in that outfit, so I'll soon be wanting to rip it off of you 😉

Ah yeah that's his name! Knew I'd heard it before. How's work going so far today? X

They don't seem to be the messages of someone that is lacking in interest, would you understand how I'd got the wrong idea?

His good points were: his sense of humour, he was funny and chatty and I’m pretty sure I could have left him with a bunch of friends and he would be fine, I liked that we seemed to get on really well, never an awkward silence between us and he seemed genuinely interested in me, he never pushed the boundaries too far, never send dodgy photos and remained respectful,  I liked that he was an animal lover and liked cats in particular, he was totally unfazed by me having them, which a lot are, I liked how gentlemanly he was, probably more so than anyone I’ve dated before. 

His not so good points were: at 5’11 he was taller than me in heels but not massively, I decided I could probably live with that but if we were going for perfect it wasn’t, I really didn’t find him terribly attractive on dates 1 and 3, but I did on date 2, I put this down to the hair cut/facial hair, the look of a friend that I wasn’t sure about and the weird little facial twitch that he has I found rather off putting. The fact that he’d joined the RAF as he’d been thrown out of Police training after getting arrested for an altercation with his (ex) girlfriend, the honest, say it how it is person that he told me he was, obviously isn’t the person he really is. 

They say that you learn more about someone at the end of a relationship than you do in a relationship, although we weren’t in a relationship this is definitely true, he’s certainly shown an arrogance I hadn’t detected since I pulled him up on his behaviour. 

He told me that he was looking for Mrs Right, however one of his excuses was that getting involved with someone while unsettled isn’t a great idea, however he is still on Tinder, maybe he just wanted to get laid? That’s absolutely fine but be upfront about it?!

I have spent a lot of time going over this in my mind, what I said wrong, what I did wrong, if I should have gone out the day after my hair cut, not the day before, what's wrong with me, why can't I get it right....... 

Largely the men I meet tell me that they would like a strong woman that is honest and tells it how it is, however they soon change their mind when the strong woman is honest and tells THEM how it is. When we saw IT last week one of the quotes in it was ‘Ain’t nothing like a little fear to make a paper man crumble’ only a few days after seeing the film, the paper man did, indeed crumble.

On Saturday night when I was out a message arrived 'How's you trouble' it was from Cunt Face, two weeks after we'd last spoken and just when I was at my most vulnerable. 

Had it arrived a couple of days before I wouldn't have answered but I did and that will be the next apart of the blog!.

Wednesday, 13 September 2017

Cake Destroyer – Date Three

The date that I didn’t think was going to happen did and much faster than I expected.

On Monday I had a stream of messages, rather than the one that I’ve been used to getting (and getting annoyed with) he came back to me saying that his week is looking busy but if it wasn’t too later notice he could possibly do Tuesday, I had no plans anyway and agreed as I really felt that if it was going to happen it needed to happen sooner rather than later.

We have kind of made plans for the weekend after this one, however obviously, it will depend on leave so I didn’t want date three to be a maybe in another two weeks’ time.

He asked what I wanted to do and I suggested the cinema and a drink, he suggested IT which has just come out. I can’t (and didn’t) pretend that I wasn’t apprehensive, I don’t like scary movies when I have to sleep alone, I’m always paranoid that I’m going to need to check under the bed etc at every sign of a noise! I told him that if it was scary he might end up with me on his lap and he said that was probably the best outcome and that he would protect me.

I felt terribly nervous yesterday, I think I’ve built him up in my mind which is never good really is it? I was talking to my friend at work yesterday about it and said that he seems almost too perfect which I find terribly scary, look what happened last time the only fault I could find was how far away he lived.

So we met about half way, he was a little late, not massively though (I think this might be his thing, however it was around rush hour) kiss and hug and we walked across to the cinema, I again warned him that if I was screaming it was his fault, he said that he was happy to see something else if I wanted, I said that I was only joking, when we arrived at the cinema he’d already brought the tickets.

The film wasn’t as scary as I expected, I love programs such as criminal minds but I had expected this to be much more gratuitously scary, it wasn’t and I jumped a little once, spending much more of the film laughing than being scared, the scene’s I found most disturbing were the ones with Beverly and her pervert father and I buried my head in his shoulder when one of the boys held the cat up as target practice but thankfully they didn’t shoot at it.  I guess my idea of disturbing is different to a lot of people’s, I found the kids film; Big Hero 6 quite disturbing as it contains a lot of death for a kid’s film, including a little boy’s family being burned to death and that’s made for children!

It did give us a good excuse to get cuddled up in the cinema though, which was nice, however that’s maybe where the problems started? I had my hand on his leg, my arm was rested on his pocket, I assumed his wallet initially but part way through the film it vibrated, at which point I realised it was his phone, a few minutes later it vibrated again. Now call me cynical but all that went through my mind was wondering if they were Tinder notifications, or other dates.

We all know what the world is like these days, not even socks are monogamous (well not in my house anyway) dating is tough, often people are having Tinder dates night after night, he could be on another one tonight, so could I (I’m not, I’ve been putting people off) it just makes you think, especially if you kind of like someone.

The film finished and he’d found a bar a short walk away, it was pretty wet out which wasn’t fun but the bar was lovely, he tried to pay again but I was quite firm in my ‘No, I’m paying’ this time, I do love a gentleman but there is no need for him to pay for everything, even more so that I know how little he will be earning currently.

We found a table and sat down opposite each other, he mentioned that the table was massive and we were really far apart so I moved round to sit next to him, they had live music and he has a sore throat so hearing each other would have been a struggle from across the table.

As soon as I’d moved his hand moved to my knee again, he’d kissed me as the film finished, when we’d gone to collect my coat from the car and several times during the time that we were in the bar and it was nice. I think that we both spent most of the evening smiling or laughing, he is great company.

We’d talked in the evening about him coming over for this alcohol cupboard emptying, as well as more general stuff and work, he’s got more holiday coming up so we talked about how much I dislike that fact and he had the audacity to say that I had an easier job as mine is much more flexible, I mentioned that he’d get a quiet life when I didn’t message him anymore and he said he definitely didn’t want that and tried to take the comment back.

We walked back to our cars and he kissed me and asked me to let him know when I got home, he waited for me to drive off and followed me out.

I guess that’s where the problems continue. I had about 40 minutes in the car where I could think, me and thinking isn’t good.

So, when I’d first seen him my first thought was that he didn’t look as nice as date two, obviously, he’s got the squaddie hair cut back so looks a bit thuggish and he had a bit of stubble this time (not full on facial hair though) he also has some facial expressions which remind me hugely of a friend of mine, he doesn’t look like him but in some ways he does, if that makes sense?

There is definitely something I like about him, our sense of humour is totally in tune, if a little warped and we genuinely seem to get on and make each other laugh. The facial twitches were back and I’m not a fan, they’ve been apparent on two out of the three dates now, I found him much more attractive on date two than one or three, I love that he’s so gentlemanly, he opens doors, always wants to pay, checks that I’ve got home, won’t sit down until I have and there is something about him that makes me feel safe.

I got home and text him as requested, saying that I was home and thanking him for another lovely evening, he messaged back saying that he was home and in bed, was glad I was home safe, thanked me for a lovely evening and said well done again on not being a scaredy cat. I responded simply saying that I was quite pleased and that was our last message.

I’m not sure I think another one will come but I don’t really know why, there was nothing yesterday to say that it wasn’t a good date, apart from the fact that on dates one and two we’ve had a conversation by message following the date but we did get back a lot later than we have on the last two.

Today I feel totally conflicted, I’m unsure of where I am, unsure of what I want, unsure of where he is with things. I don’t know if I’m doing the thing that I’m really good at and pushing back because we’re getting closer and I fear getting hurt so badly, so if I push someone away before we get too involved it saves me a little or that I’d built him up in my head to be something he’s not?

I had a massive smile on my face all day yesterday as I was excited to see him, today my head is in over drive, part of me thinks I’m being silly, the other part can’t help but think back to last year’s fiasco where I dared to involve my heart, look where that ended.

I highly recommend a listen to the new Sam Smith song; Too good at goodbyes, it really does nail some things!

Monday, 11 September 2017

Manchester, Racing and a pickled brain…….

Tuesday’s update already seems like a lifetime away, although there isn’t a great deal to report really.

I spent the three days in Manchester as planned and went out on Tuesday with my friend that I used to work with, she was the one having man trouble last time and it seems to have sorted itself out, which is good news, we had dinner and a drink in a new cocktail bar which was nice.

I think I may have got asked out by one of the guys that works there, that was a bit odd, I brushed it off, he’s not my thing but I think we could probably be friends.

Cake Destroyer graduated last week, he sent me a photo of him in uniform and I have to say that he looked really good, although so did his mate who was also in the photo and a few inches taller, only he was smiling in the photo though and he does have a lovely smile.

I have a funny feeling that date three isn’t going to happen, Cake Destroyer’s messages have stuck at one a day, it’s been over a week now since I’ve had more than one, they are all really long still but I can’t say that I’m not finding it hugely frustrating and off putting but then I get a message and for a few minutes all of my reservations disappear.

Thursday’s date didn’t happen, he’s now not starting Phase 2 today, he’s being held until October, which means he didn’t get sent home on Thursday (so we could meet) but it means that he’s now been given a week’s leave, so he’s not around again, which seems to be becoming a bit of a habit. He says this is good as he’ll be around for a bit longer, I’m not so sure.

So, he suggested that we do something this weekend coming (we’ve talked of him coming over and us having a whirl at emptying my alcohol cupboard which is hugely overstocked for someone that doesn’t drink at home unless she has guests and she doesn’t generally) however I’m busy, so that won’t work, I’ve now suggested that we meet up this week when he’s off, he’s suggested Wednesday, guess what? I’m busy Wednesday……… I’m starting to become really frustrated with it, does he actually want to see me? And if he does why isn’t he making it happen?

His messages don’t tell me he’s not interested, they are in the same vein, only now there are less of them, if he’s not interested any more would he not just tell me? Well no, because that’s not how dating works today, today people just string you along and keep you as a back up plan, in case whatever else they are up to doesn’t work out because that is dating in 2017.

We’ll see I guess? I’m trying not to answer this morning’s 09:30 message, as I know it means that I probably won’t get a response until tomorrow, which will annoy me a bit more but I struggle with it being sat there on my phone, I want to answer it, I’ve now started typing, which means that I won’t be able to not send it, ah man I need to have a word with myself.

So, I spent a fair bit of time this weekend with New Mechanic (and the rest of the crew obviously) not sure he’s really my thing looks wise (although he is tall and dark) but I won’t have seen him at his best as when I see him he’s working and in team gear, however the smoking is pretty much a deal breaker for me. Saturday was a bit odd, I was outside as they were setting off for the race, he came and gave me a hug as I’d picked up something for him on the way after he’d messaged me that morning, as he went off to the grid he then came and kissed me on the cheek, thankfully not many of our lot were around to see it as I’m not quite sure what they would have thought of it!

He came and gave me a hug goodbye as we were all leaving yesterday and said ‘I’ll message you’ and he has today, just general stuff that we were chatting about at the weekend. There is more racing this weekend but it’s back in Cheshire, I could only go Sunday due to being out Saturday night and already I feel like I can’t be arsed, however being busy keeps my mind off my phone.

Dating sites are off the hook and my Whatsapp looks like the ghosts of dating past, this is down to (apparently) the fact that it’s ‘Cuffing Season’ which is the time between summer and winter when everyone wants to find a mate for the winter, it certainly seems to be the case.

Prince Harry is obviously back from Block Leave as he sent me some messages last week asking if I’d like to meet up, I told him that in the four dates we’ve had it’s not worked out, so I don’t see that changing, he’s told me he’s now closer (less than 20 miles) and he’s stationed here for the next two years, I’m totally not sold on seeing him again, he’s hotter in his photos than in real life and his personality leaves a lot to be desired, I’m not sure he’s ever made me laugh on any of the four dates that we had so I think I can probably leave that one without worrying that I have made the wrong decision.

Car Salesman got in touch last week, saying his wife had told him to sort his shit out or they'd be getting a divorce, he say's he's trying. We chatted a bit, told him about CD, he say's I should give him a chance and it's really nice to hear me talk about him like that, I did say he's doing my head in. He said that he thinks he's a very lucky man if I like him, he said he feels like the 'defender of the buff 29 year old RAF man' which made me laugh as it's not how I'd describe him at all (he's not seen photos, this is just what he's made up in his head) he also said 'You are fucking amazing, I hope he can see that' which is really kind but the fact that it's coming from him sours it a little, he couldn't see it back then, he couldn't see it before he went off and fucked my mate, if he couldn't see it 18 years ago, when I was younger, prettier, thinner then why should CD be able to see it now, after two dates and a load of messages?

Cunt Face hasn't been in touch but does keep posting stories on SnapChat, never with someone else in them, but two slices of cake, two pizza's, who's that twat trying to kid?! I want to scream 'I know, I fucking know, stop lying' but I know it's not worth it, like with W@nk Bag sometimes you need to realise that you'll never get the answer you deserve, you'll never get the truth, just another twisted version of the lies you've already heard, learning to give it up is the hardest part. I spent ages trying to get W@nk Bag to be honest but eventually I faced the reality that it was never going to come and then started to move on, it was a long and painful process, thankfully with CF it won't take as long, five years of my life and two dates are massively different time periods, just a shame that he spent the best part of 18 months fucking with my feelings and even then couldn't do honesty. 

I’m definitely not short of offers but it’s very much like my wardrobe, plenty of choice but still nothing to wear, pretty fed up of it to be honest, I don’t see why I can’t find someone half decent, I keep getting told I’m too picky but is it really picky to have things that I want in another person?

So, I’ve not put any makeup on this morning (couldn’t be arsed, don’t usually for work) and now our fit (although more floppy haired posh boy than big shouldered classically my thing) lawyer has turned up and I wish I’d made an effort this morning. I’m weird in that I’m brilliant at flirting with people I’m not interested in but absolutely rubbish with people I am.

We’ve known each other for a few years now, I don’t see a lot of him as he works at another office, a couple of hours from here but he definitely brightens my day when he’s here, however we can’t manage to string a conversation together as when we try to talk we are both a bit dumbstruck, my friend that works in the office says it’s very funny to watch.

I ensure he's always within easy viewing when we have our conference, I decided this year I couldn't really put him on my table for the third year in a row, so he went on the table opposite me, I let the MD's do their seating plans for those I'd chosen for the table, when I found he wasn't in an easy view I may have swapped him with someone else.........

I have no idea where this week is going to take me, my concentration is right off the boil today that’s for sure, oh and yes I only made it two hours before sending my response, so I imagine now that Weds or Sat are the only nights he can do and that I won’t get a response until tomorrow, just to irritate me a bit more, maybe I should just bin it? It’s just not very often I decide I do actually like someone. I half decided on lunch today that if he comes back telling me he can’t do anything else this week I’m going to send him a message just saying if he has a free evening in the next couple of weeks to get in touch and to have a nice week off, is that being harsh or giving him a get out or simply saving myself?

Monday sucks, men suck, work sucks. 

Tuesday, 5 September 2017

Dating Suicide......

Well that’s what I thought it was anyway, do you think that stopped me? No, of course it didn’t, I’m definitely a dicing with danger kinda girl (maybe that’s why I’m still single?)

I was feeling a bit fragile anyway following the whole Cunt Face debacle which never helps with me, so in one message on Saturday I mentioned Tinder, asked when we were going to see each other again and asked if he was ok as he’d been quiet.

It was in the conversation and I wasn’t at all shirty with him (he’s done nothing to deserve that) it was a terribly long message but largely answering his last message, I even managed to swing the Tinder comment in as an answer to one of his comments.

I read it over and over again, it was long, even for us, I sent it unsure of whether I wanted to see the answer or not, I half expected a ‘fuck off’ I think, I guess I’m used to dealing with Cunt Face and him not responding for days isn’t unusual and then a ‘I’m just not sure’ or ‘I really like you but I don’t want to hurt you’ bollocks message.

Something had been said about not having offers flooding in, I used that to respond about tinder, I asked what sort of offers he was expecting and asked if he was hoping Tinder notifications would be off the hook.

 I asked when he thought we would get to do date 3 and added unless he’d changed his mind, kinda giving him an out, kinda making my position clear (maybe?) The message had opened with ‘all ok, you’ve been quieter this week’

The message took ages to come back (I know he’s busy and I appreciate that but it doesn’t stop me wondering)

Later that day I saw ‘typing’ appear on the screen, my heart was firmly in my mouth at that, part of me wanted to see what he was typing, part of me didn’t want to see it at all.
When it came in it did take me a little while to open it, he started by saying he was fine, just busy in the lead up to graduation and there have been some issues with some people on his course getting into trouble (not him)

He said that he was only waiting for offers coming from my directions and that he doesn’t really fancy Tinder going wild, so far so good (however he didn’t say that he wasn’t using it)
On the date three, he said that funnily enough he was actually going to ask for Thursday as although they’ve not heard anything official yet their Cpl thinks that they’ll let them go for some post graduation down time before his first posting on Monday and said that hopefully we could do something then.

I was rather pleased with the response, he seemed totally cool about it, answered like it was no big deal at all, it’s kinda one of the things I like about him, he seems really open but Cunt Face sits in the back of my mind nagging at me to think that everyone is a wanker, I hate it.

He has been quieter but we’ve had at least a (very long) message a day, he graduates today which is pretty exciting, he’s excited and I feel excited for him, his Mum, two brothers and one of his two sisters are down for it so I’m sure it will be lovely for them all and hopefully they’ll get some nice photo’s of him in uniform (for me!) it is, however absolutely pissing down, so that won’t be so nice, which is a shame.

We’ve talked even more in depth since then and the messages have got even longer, not sure that I thought that was possible, we’ve talked about all sorts of stuff, including what we like about each other and he’s been very complimentary.

Fingers crossed he’ll be released on Thursday and we’ll manage this date three, it’s only two weeks since we’ve seen each other but feels like ages.

New Mechanic has been in touch a bit this week, I’m working at our Manchester office and he messaged yesterday to ask how it was going which I think was quite sweet, I’ll see him this weekend, however it’s looking like it’s going to be wet, which is never promising.

I have been chatting to someone else on one of the sites, he’s asked me out, he seems nice but it puts me in a bit of a predicament really, what do I do? I don’t really want to go on a date with someone else at the moment but do I put it on hold? What if he isn’t putting things on hold. He seems nice, he lives up this way (Chester, yep I’m not sure we should trust anyone from Chester after the last one) but his parents are down by me and he coaches Rugby there of a weekend, he’s quite keen and has already offered a lot of options for a date, here, there, this week, this weekend.

So, this week is my first week working in Manchester, the journey up yesterday was fine, without the roadworks and on a good run it’s 2.5 hours door to door so I think it’s going to be doable, will I want to do it every week though, that’s the question!

I’ve had a nice welcome, one of the guys that works on our second tier team (two below my boss) works here and flirts with me regularly! Came and took me out for lunch yesterday and is again today, his girlfriend works here and she turned up yesterday as soon as he came down to take me for lunch, apparently she’s not keen on blondes!

As we were walking back from lunch yesterday he informed me that my trousers were see through, I didn’t believe him as they are new and from Next, Next don’t make see through work trousers, surely? However he did describe my knickers, however could black and lacy be a fluke? I went out to dinner with a couple that I used to work with, they are LOVELY but he was very boring last night, kept telling me about his new policeman friend and how I would like him, however his new policeman friend is married, so I’m not sure what the idea behind that was, he was also describing all of their interactions in great detail, you know the kind of thing where you had to be there? Well I wasn’t!

I made excuses about 9, as I really wanted to go to Ikea (I have never used those words before and promise never to again, I hate that place) to look at storage and they close at 10, made it with half hour to look around, it wasn’t long enough, disappointed massively that I’ll have to go back.

The motorway was closed, as was the exit to my hotel and everything I needed, it took ages, I’m shattered today and my thoughts are elsewhere!

A friend of mine was flaunting her 'amazing' new man on Facebook at the weekend, it pretty much summed up the reason why I am still single, I'm not convinced that when she finished scraping the barrel she didn't pick it up and scrape under it, I'm not just not ever going to be ready for that. I'm probably going to die alone because of it, on a positive note I already have the cats and won't need to buy any! 

Friday, 1 September 2017

It’s been a total…………..

Shitter of a week this week, works been mental with wall to wall meetings and the Director that I hate has been in, I think he’s gathered now that I don’t like him, which is positive. He’s annoyed one of the other PA’s this week with his demands, probably as he doesn’t think that we are important, however have you ever tried to get something you need from PA’s that you’ve pissed off? Yeah, good luck with that one!

I’ve been suspicious of him for a long time now, when he started he told me that his wife had died from cancer and that he is now seeing his best mates wife, after his best mate died in a climbing accident, what a terrible set of events I thought, although I did wonder about swooping in on the wife and children, a few months later one of his staff was chatting to me, saying how awful it was that his wife had committed suicide, hmmm I thought, that’s odd.

A few days ago one of the other directors came up to me and told me that he had now told her two different stories about his wife’s death, one the suicide, one the car crash, so this is now three stories I’ve heard, you can’t tell me that’s not weird? If you are going to lie, at least get your story straight eh?

It’s been a tough week for me dating wise, Cake Destroyer messages have been few and far between, although at least one each day, I’m torn with it if I’m honest I know that he graduates next week and that he’s really busy but if I see him online I think he’s got time to respond?

I found out this week that Cunt Face does have a girlfriend that he told me he didn’t have, now it shouldn’t be a great stretch as I know he’s a liar but he said that he wanted to be friends and that he was truly sorry for what he had done, which was obviously another lie, he’s obviously also cheated on her with me, that’s two girlfriends now.

It’s shaken my faith totally again (not my faith in him but sadly my faith in the male species) if he wanted to be friends then why didn’t he tell me about her? I would have been upset but I’d not have told him that, I’d have had a little time to get myself through it but I’d have been fine and we could have actually tried being friends, now we can’t because I gave him another chance and he lied again.
I stupidly feel hurt and I know I shouldn’t, I’ve known what he is like for a year now, when I found out. We can’t be friends, I can’t be friends with a liar, I just don’t know whether I’ll tell him what I know or just ignore him from now on.

I often wonder if people realise what effect they have on other people’s lives, he probably doesn’t think that not telling me he had a girlfriend and lying to me about his ‘lodger’ were a big deal but the ripples of those lies are still evolving here and it’s affecting what I do and think now.

For example when I don’t hear from CD I immediately think it’s because he’s lying or he’s found someone else (which it could be) but before CF that wouldn’t have entered my head, I know they aren’t all like that but I’m not sure that many good one’s exist anymore, I certainly don’t seem to come  across them.

I don’t know if it’s normal but I have a lot of male friends that are pretty shitty when it comes to girlfriends, the Best Friend for example he’s cheated on most of them and when he hasn’t it’s only been because they haven’t been together long enough, the 5/6 guys cheating on my birthday night out, seriously what does that say about them?

I desperately want to ask CD if there is anyone else but I don’t have the right to, I also don’t want to scare him off or project my insecurities caused by someone else onto him because that’s really not fair, can I really ask that question after two dates? I personally don’t want to go on dates with anyone else at the moment as we do have a bit of connection and some chemistry, so a date with someone else will either be a disappointment or make the water murkier, neither which I want.

The New Mechanic hasn’t been in touch a great deal this week, which is fine but I’ll see him next weekend at racing, even that’s a bit of a water muddier really.

Have had a few more messages from the Dr. 

Currently I don’t want to swipe but feel that I should, in case he is and I’m wasting my time, what kind of person does that make me and what sort of world does this make it?

I honestly think dating in this century sucks.

Feeling pretty depressed at the moment, which is totally the opposite of how this week started, I have no plans at all this weekend which is rare for me and maybe not good with how I feel currently.  

Wednesday, 30 August 2017

Alice went down the rabbit hole………….

And we all know what happened to her, I’m not sure why Princess Frog thought it was a good idea to follow, when I’d not even had a drink but I obviously did.

It’s quite unusual that I do two blog posts in two days but a lot has happened since the one I did yesterday and if I wait my little blonde head will forget or implode and I’m not keen on either.

So, last night I sent the Dr a LinkedIn message, it was very general and pretty short (as in words, not my temper) just saying I’d been to Oxford and the friend had mentioned him, I hope all was well and it had been years, I said nothing that needed a response and I didn’t really expect one, however I got one.

He said that it had been ages and he couldn’t believe anyone was asking about him, he asked if I’m working in London (there is a photo of me by Tower Bridge) said he’d worked there for about 3 years and said he hoped all was well.

I did quite a lot of eeeeeekkkkkkkkkkk’ing and called the friend/mum up and told her, she was also doing a lot of the same noises! She also told me not to phone her again without texting first, I use the phone so little that she thought it was either the paramedics telling her I was in an accident, or the police telling her I’d been arrested, which to be fair pretty much sums me up, if you can’t say it by Whatsapp or Facebook message do you really need to say it at all?

I responded saying that I do some work there but travel a fair bit for work and that I’d done some work in Belfast a few years ago, I asked if he was back home these days following the London comment.

He said yes, that he’d taking up a Consultant post two years ago, he’d have stayed in London but went back for the kids, who are there with their mother, he said that they are going through a pretty unpleasant divorce, that gave way for another little squeal, which is bad really as I don’t believe in divorce at all, I know it’s quite common now but I think if you get married you do it once (yep, that’s why I haven’t)

I asked how old they were, he’s got a 15 year old, I find that hard to believe, I guess I still think of him in his early 20’s, he’s a bit older than me but only by a couple of years I think. I was quite excited to speak to him, who doesn’t like a walk down memory lane? He told me he still gets over to London a bit for work and to see friends.

I had a bit of a Facebook stalk, like you do (you do right?) he looks older than I would have thought but as I said before I remember him 20 years ago and a lot can happen in that time can’t it?
I got a message from Cake Destroyer last night and I still don’t know how I feel about it.

Before we met I knew that he was going to be posted and I knew where to, it’s somewhere that I used to go to regularly with an old job that I did about 11 years ago, it’s about 80 miles from home and takes approx an hour and a half in the car, so I was cool with it and obviously thought it was do-able.

He is currently 35 miles away but it’s still over an hour as there is little motorway in between, in the time we’ve known each other (we matched on 16th July) we’ve managed to see each other twice, once when he was given a days leave and once when he was on his two weeks leave and we met in the middle but Phase 1 training means he is completely at the RAF’s disposal 24/7 so I know they are keeping him really busy.

He had been told that his Phase 2 wouldn’t start until January, which he wasn’t particularly happy about but I was kinda hoping that they would leave him where he was which would have hopefully have given us the chance to work out how we felt and if we intended to go forward. We had discussed it last week and he said he was annoyed at the fact that he didn’t want his career to be put on hold for the rest of the year, so I’m really pleased for him that won’t be happening but a little sad for us that he’s going to be so much further away so soon. He graduates next week and his posting starts the week after so it’s only 10 days away now.

He hoped he would get leave this weekend and had said on our date that he’d like us to see each other but I’ve not heard anything so doesn’t sound likely, which is a shame as I have a rare free weekend. If he gets the following weekend off then it’s a race weekend and I’ve got plans for all three days, including the Friday which I have booked off.

I just feel a bit like it’s game over, it may not be the case but I guess we’ll see, the message came in quite late last night, just before midnight and I made the mistake of reading it, I then couldn’t sleep so I’m pretty tired today.

He’s not yet been on Whatsapp since last night so there is no response as yet, maybe we’ll have more blogs this week?

I find it really weird when it all goes wrong that you get used to hearing from someone every day and then all of a sudden you don’t, I guess you get used to it though.

Cunt Face knows I’m there next week, I don’t expect to see him though.

The Vet’s Mum is in today, that made me laugh!