EXFX - Continued...........

I've seen him a couple of times since the night I got soaked on the way home from his house. 

His flirt game has upped in his very own quite niche way, which is using terminology such as his 'balls are always happy when I'm around' (I know, go figure) or do I want him to make a diversion and come to mine after he's been out (it's a small village and he lives approx 3 minutes walk away from me and has to not far walk past my road) 

He came over one evening on the pretext of giving me a massage but he's not very good at massage apparently so didn't, however he did take me to bed for a bit (still didn't quite get to sex) but he did actually remember it was was a two person event this time, that's positive right?

He's not the best communicator, it can be every day, once a week, longer, who knows, I usually let him initiate contact though, he's normally first and it's rare I suggest we see each other, he does the leg work. 

I guess we still talk fairly regularly but I like a bit more consistency and I probably do favour at least daily communication and it's quite rare we have that between us, although sometimes we do...... yeah, I guess it's a bit like that really! I am used to it with him though and I've now learned not to overthink it with him. A phrase I'm going to use is one I'd like to live by more really 'it is what it is' 

He works in timber and I've had some stuff from them recently for the garden (that was a funny conversation when my carpenter called them and he answered and the phone was passed to me - he said he nearly didn't recognise my posh voice, I mean I've never spoken to him on the phone before so why would he?! I've been waiting on the developer to make changes to the wall and then for the trellis from his company to go up, once the wall was up I sent him a photo, he said he didn't think I needed the trellis anymore but said he'd come over and have a look if I wanted a second opinion, which I did. 

We had a couple of days of his version of flirting and asking me if I'd put the pool up yet and when he asked me on the Sunday I said that I was going to put it up but that he would be going in it, he said he didn't want to go in it, he'd asked me for several days if I'd put it up yet, why wouldn't you?

He messaged a little later and asked if I was in, said he'd pop round and that I would see him before I heard him, meaning he was driving, I told him that was very lazy and he should leave the car at home, he said he was already out. 

He turned up, minus the car and I commented that it was nice he had actually done as he was told for once, we went to sit outside with a drink, he had said in the week he had a pop rivet gun and would fix my kitten pen for me, so he got me to take me up and show him, realising that it was more complicated than he'd originally thought. 

As we walked back downstairs he said something about not having eaten so I offered a sandwich, he said he was fine but he'd like a kiss and pulled me into him, he got a bit hot and steamy in the hall and he suggested going up to bed, I told him that he'd be getting in the pool first...... I mean it did seem like he needed to cool off?

As I pulled my shorts off he commented about me getting ready for the pool, I said that I'd always been getting in and had my bikini on underneath, he changed into his trunks and got in the pool, I mean it took him ages and he moaned a lot about how cold it was (it really wasn't that cold, it was over 30 and sunny, the pool was lovely) he stayed in about half hour and then got out, I got out too and came in to go to the loo, as I walked back through the house he was standing there, keen to get back to where we'd been before the pool, we went up to my room and I think we may have got to sex this time apart from 'have you got any protection' to which I explained that not even condoms have that long on their expiry date! 

I've not had sex with anyone in 4/5 years so any I have had in that time have gone out of date and been chucked away, in fact not even just one box has met its fate like this, if I was seeing someone I think I'd have time to preempt it moving on and rectify that but I've not been sure that we'll ever get there. 

Again we never quite got there, I'm still not back on that horse. He cuddled me for a bit and we chatted for a while before he got dressed and went home. 

Although it was more normal as it was an afternoon I still feel like the getting dressed and going home bit makes it feel a bit transactional? 

I had to order some hinges for the kitten pen, so I messaged him when they arrived, he said he could possibly do it that day and then a bit later that he was tired, when I didn't hear anymore from here I assumed he wasn't coming over.....

It was just over a week later that I heard from him but he has been away for the weekend with friends and only got back Monday night. 

The Trellis has posed a problem, it needs to go back but my carpenter wants to take it back when he's there so has asked me to contact him to find out when he is in work but I didn't want to contact him because it's rarely me that makes the first move, the carpenter just knows we're friends, so he probably wonders why I'm stalling, instead of being more keen on getting my money back, truth is I'm stalling because I didn't want to be making the first move at getting in touch. 

On Tuesday night I had the lovely date with The Pilot, you know the sort of date that you get carried away from, when you turn up and they actually look and sound how you expect, they haven't lied about themselves, they look like their photos, the conversation flows and you get home and get a message saying they'd like to see you again, followed by actually arranging to see you again............ yes, those weird and wonderful dates that nearly NEVER happen to me! 

And a few hours later XBFX sends a message about coming over, I'd had nothing in over a week..... I didn't want to make a decision because I don't know what's going on in the background with either of them. I do worry about ruining the friendship between XBFX and I but it was only just over a week ago that we were talking about a group of guys that go away on 'boys weekends' and cheat on their respective partners, he said that 'chance would be a fine thing' when he's away and I'm not sure that didn't really tell me all I need to know. 

Then Thursday brought Date Two with The Pilot, which was just as good as Date One, all of my multi dating theories went out of the window as I now wouldn't want to go on a date with anyone else until we know where we are and have explored things further. I said that there wasn't a hurry as the date I originally needed it for had passed and I had a few weeks before the next one, we had a quick chat, he's still got things going on at work and that was it...................

Until I bumped into him on Saturday night, while I was walking home with his ex, her boyfriend and one of his mates, he's read my message and hasn't replied, so I'm guessing that I'm in the dog house. 

He also appeared on my Tinder feed last night (I'm not on there because I'm looking to date, I'm on there because I feel if The Pilot's still dating I should at least be looking) 

I had a Facebook notification this morning reminding me that it was a year ago he first came to the house after getting in touch again, we spent the evening in the garden, having a drink while looking at the stars in my beautiful new house (it wasn't romantic like it sounds!!) 

Life is never simple around here is it?

The Pilot - Date Two

Two dates in three days, this is totally unheard of for me, two dates in two weeks maybe, three days, I don't think has ever happened before.......

I was terribly nervous, you can't dress up for a date at home, it was hot so I was in jean shorts and a black vest top, no makeup, freshly washed but 'un done' hair. 

He said he was excited to come over, the girls in my response being the cats, obviously, he gave me his ETA as he left home and I really did feel all of the pre date nerves. 

He arrived in shorts, T-Shirt and Flip Flops and took them off when he walked in, it was nice that I didn't need to ask him to, which happens so often. 

I asked what he'd like to drink and he said Tea, he was admiring the view from my front window and moved behind me and started rubbing my shoulders, to put that into context we've messaged a lot that we both like being massaged and are quite tactile, so it didn't feel odd. 

He's like a big, bouncy puppy, he went out into the garden for a look and said how lovely the house and garden was and again as I was stood talking to him about the garden he moved behind me and rubbed my shoulders.

We sat and chatted and a little way in he commented on my painted toe nails and said he'd try some reflexology on my feet, again we'd discussed this in messages previously, he wasn't that good at it but ya know, willing is good right?

He knew I had friends coming round in the evening and checked what time so that he wasn't getting in the way of cooking, which was thoughtful, I said I was good for a while and offered another cup of tea, he said if I was sure I had time and kept saying he was fine if I needed to answer emails etc (he was on standby and I was working but had arranged it so I'd not be very busy) 

When we came back in I said if he sat on the floor I'd massage his shoulders before he hit the motorway, he sat on the floor between my legs and I massaged his neck and shoulders through his T-Shirt, it was nice, he smelled AMAZING and has broad shoulders and strong arms, honestly it felt like such a chore!! 😉 He then decided that he should return the favour, so he did, with a bit of a rest stop to rest his arms on my chest at points. He said that it's the best second date he's had and much better than his usual stop at a service station, I mean, you'd hope so. 

We sat and chatted some more and he was asking about the house, so I offered a tour, he again took the opportunity to be rubbing my shoulders where he could but him being behind me kind of fits better due to the 10 inch height difference! As we walked round the house, he commented about how big it was and how clean it was, I mean, it wasn't like I wasn't expecting guests but I guess I have turned into a bit of a clean freak since I moved here, it's hard not to in a new house. 

And then we went up to my room...........

Again the view was admired (my house looks onto fields and it is beautiful, it was one of the reasons for buying the house)

He asked if he could try my bed, I said yes and he laid down and asked which was my side, we discussed it and we both sleep on the same side, he pulled me into a spoon and hugged me tightly, it felt nice. 

I already knew at this point that I wasn't going to let it go any further, not that I didn't want it to, I really did but second date is too early for me, I'm not sure we'd get past third though if I'm honest. 

I turned over and we kissed properly for the first time, it was slow and gentle but definitely with some passion in there, he did try to take things a bit further but on his hand being moved stopped immediately. 

It got a bit heated and I suggested that it was probably time he hit the road and I got ready for friends that were coming for dinner, that was done really to save myself from wanting to rip his clothes off in reality. We went downstairs and he kissed me goodbye. 

I got a message about an hour later, to which I replied and then never heard from him until the Morning message on Friday. 

We had our normal morning chat and on most mornings we send a photo, one of us is usually ready for work and one in bed. We had a chat as usual, I was working and he was up north and was going out drinking with friends in the afternoon. I sent him a photo in the afternoon of my new desk and chair and he responded, I then didn't as he was out and the next I heard from him was the morning message the next day. 

We chatted for a bit and swapped photos as per usual, he was off to his brothers to help in the garden, I didn't hear from him for the rest of the day and my message was unread from 11:40 to 23:15 - now it had no questions, so he didn't need to answer but it sent me into overthinking mode fairly easily.

Overthinking isn't difficult for me, I overthink everything and if there was an overthinking Olympics I would easily be a Gold Medallist. I overthink everything from have I locked the door to why I'm terrible at my job, maybe I said something to upset someone, what if we get locked down again, what if I lose my job, what if I can't afford my mortgage. 

Honestly I am terrible, I also rarely meet anyone I'm remotely interested in seeing again, so it adds another element for me. 

I can't see why he'd like me, or want to see me again, I'm chubby and outspoken and probably a bit bloody annoying if I'm honest, another element to this is that Bumble shows where you are in real time, so I can see he's checked into it when he's been in the places that he's told me he's been (they match up) 

There is no reason for him not to use it, we have had two dates but it doesn't help my anxiety and I actually wish they'd can the feature if I'm honest. 

I was going out Saturday night anyway, into the village with the Ex Best Friend so at least that would be a good distraction for me. 

I decided to take my gorgeous Louis Vuitton purse out that was gifted to me when my friends Mum died, knowing that I could put my phone into it and only get it out at times when I wanted to check it, rather than it being on the table (I rarely have a bag unless I'm in a dress) 

I didn't know the night out was going to be her, me, her boyfriend and his friend (who I've known for 10 years and has tried to get in my knickers a few times in that time, however I've not seen him for around two) to make it clear at this point he has a long term partner of 20 odd years, although they have apparently been broken up for some of that time - it never had been an option for me and even without that never would be, with that in mind I wouldn't touch him anyway though. 

I met her and she said they'd be coming along shortly and I was, if I'm honest a bit disappointed but it is what it is, they joined us later and the guy gave me a big hug and said how pleased he was to see me, we then spent the rest of the evening with them but I ran into a few people that I'd not seen in ages, which was lovely, it was a good evening, while The Pilot stayed in my mind, he didn't dominate it. 

At the end of the night we walked home, the four of us. On the way home we walked past XBFX which was a bit awkward, I didn't even see him until we'd gone past but turned around and said Hi, at that point her boyfriend called him the Geek, I thought this was unfair and said that if either of them were geeks it was him as he works in IT - we had what I think was a light hearted argument where I told him that XBFX was a decent guy and he shouldn't be a knob, I hope we're still friends! 

The friend said he'd walk me home and I told him not to be stupid, I was literally round the corner but he insisted, he works for a builder and said he'd like to see the house, he'd looked at the friends houses for snagging, so I made a cup of tea and we chatted, in general about the friends and how happy they look together (she is seriously all over him, it's quite shocking to what I'm used to) etc, he asked for a tour of the house (yes, I know I've been here before but I assure you the tour from my point of view was just about the structure) he brought some useful things up as we walked around, missed most of the things I'd noticed but said he thinks its a pretty good build. 

We talked about the shower tray which had just started to be a bit wobbly, I got in to demonstrate and then he got in too (it's a big, walk in, so we still weren't that close) he thinks it's not properly packed out but at that point decided that It would be a good idea to try to kiss me, I pushed him away and then he tried again, to which I pushed more firmly and said that wasn't an option, we went downstairs, finished tea and I told him that it was time to go home as I was tired. 

He gave me a hug as he left, apologised for the kiss but said that he just had to try. 

I put the cups in the sink and went up to bed, clothes off, toothbrush in my mouth and I hear the doorbell, the beauty of this is that I have Ring, so I checked on the cameras and it was him, I did what seemed like the most sensible option and turned off the lights so that it looked like I was asleep, he kept ringing, I kept getting ready for bed. 

He then Facebook messaged me, saying he'd lost his keys and were they at mine, at this point I went down to check (in darkness) if his keys were at mine I wanted to ensure that he had them, surprise, surprise the keys weren't there, so I messaged him saying that the keys weren't there and that I was in bed and can't hear the doorbell there. He still tried the doorbell a couple of times after but I wasn't answering the door.

He messaged the next day saying how nice it was to see me, that he'd had to walk to meet his daughter and had found the keys in his pocket, sounds suspicious if you ask me. I've only remembered today that he used to do this in my old place, leave and then try to get me to answer the door to come back it, it didn't work then, not sure why he thought it would now. 

I messaged XBFX saying I hadn't seen him until he had walked past - he's not responded, so I'm assuming that I'm in the dog house there too.

The Pilot send his Morning message as usual yesterday and then messaged from the services on the way home and when he arrived, we spoke for most of the evening. 

We still don't have a third date set as yet but it has been mentioned a few times, so we'll see if it happens, I might actually ask what he's doing this week. 

I've swapped more photos with him than I ever have (nothing with body parts, maybe a little suggestive but that's it, I have a strict rule of they don't see anything in photos that they haven't seen in person) 

I think he tried to test the water a little over the weekend, saying that he'd had to retake a shot as showed a little too much in it, I reiterated that if I see his cock it needs to be in person, he's very sexual but remains respectful at the same time which I think is good. 

We talked previous partners last time, he said he's had three four year relationships, the last one lived with him and they are still very good friends, I asked why they had split up and added that he didn't have to tell me if he didn't want to, he said that he's happy to answer questions as we find out about each other and that they had been little more than friends in the end. 

Last night's messaging was particularly flirty, I said I was disappointed that he's not in his Captains uniform today for work and he sent through a Morning photo today of him in his shirt and tie. 

And that's currently where we are with The Pilot, I really do have that 'this could be something' stashed away with 'but he's obviously got a girlfriend stashed away or is dating 10 other people and that he does continue to use Bumble (I know this is allowed and he's doing nothing wrong) but I definitely have no interest in anyone else at the moment. 

I've popped a hairband around my wrist today, to see if I can stop myself overthinking a bit. 

I'm going out tonight, my gorgeous goddaughter got amazing GCSE results last week so I'm taking her out to celebrate, I won't be interrupting our evening with the phone, so if he and I talk tonight it will be later on. 

Going on dates with men where you know you aren't interested within 30 seconds of meeting them is a LOT easier! 

The Ex Best Friends Ex.............

The Ex Best Friend and I shared a lot in common, including our birthday, although she is five years older than me, we met on a night out, she suggested swapping numbers and we were best friends through a lot, then I stopped making the effort because it felt like it had got one sided when she got a new boyfriend and it confirmed that it was the case, the last real conversations we had were in late 2016.

She had a long term boyfriend when we first met, they rarely went out together but I can remember walking into the pub to meet her one night and thinking the guy at the bar was quite good looking, tall, dark haired, my type, she then introduced me to her boyfriend...... you guessed it!

He came out with us on probably a handful of occasions over the years, birthdays, Christmas etc and we saw each other when I went to the house.

We were all going out for New Year and I was seeing Blue Eyes at the time, who she'd introduced me to. I was having a rubbish time with neighbours being absolute arseholes and I was nervous to be on my own that Blue Eyes had not far off moved in, which worked out great for him but I wasn't as involved as he was.

As I was getting ready to go to the party that night I discovered they'd put a brick through my car window and I was an absolute wreck, I really wanted to go though and I didn't want to let the people I was going with down.

We arrived at the local club to find that the neighbours were there, which meant that I was on edge the whole time, Blue Eyes got drunk and decided he was going to fight the neighbours which made me quite angry, as I tried to explain, it was ok him causing trouble but it was me that would pay for the repercussions, already I was scared to be in the flat on my own and scared to leave as all I did whether I was there or not was worry about what they'd do, I'd also sent the cats to live with my family for a few weeks to see if it would die down as I was terrified something would happen to them.

This turned into a big argument and he stormed off on the way home, to have a go at the neighbours who had also left, by the way he likely couldn't have fought his way out of a paper bag, so even if he'd confronted them it would have been pretty useless!

He stormed off, the Ex Best Friend went after him to try to talk some sense into him and told her (now) ex to take me back to theirs.

He walked me back and told me that Blue Eyes was no good for me, I knew this already and even when we'd started seeing each other I told him that I wasn't looking for anything serious. Just as we got to the front door he said 'you should have had me' which I was a little taken aback by if I'm honest, we went in, got drinks and the comment was never mentioned again (in fact I'd completely forgotten about it until a couple of months ago) everyone arrived back, including Blue Eyes and we continued drinking despite Blue Eyes being blatantly in the dog house (EBF's now boyfriend was also with us)

I finished things with Blue Eyes shortly after, it was going nowhere and I needed to finish it before he got more involved.

The Ex Best Friend (EBF and formerly Evil Twin on here) and I saw each other at least weekly but it was quite rare that there were just the two of us, more often than not it was us two and a group of the guys, we used to do messy Sunday weekly and more often than not meet up in the week too.

EBF often joked about how much better suited the (now) Ex and I would be, as she said we had a lot more in common, I always used to wonder about the references as they were happy and appeared to get on, even though lot of the time they did both do their own things.

Around five years ago she told me she was moving out and asked me to go and look at a house with her, all I knew before that was that things weren't amazing but I was fairly surprised, they were really amicable about it and he helped her move out, it was an easy split as the house was his anyway.

Time moved on and a few months later she told me she was seeing one of the guys that we regularly spent time with, at this point I should probably tell you that his wife had finished it a few months before and moved out of their house.

I asked some questions at this point and discovered something that I found quite shocking, it had been going on for YEARS, while they were both with partners and I always had an inkling she liked him but would have never guessed that something had been going on that long.

The year before she'd been 40 and I'd turned 35, she was adamant that she was going away on her own for 'our' birthday and I was a little put out by it, as was EBFX. I also thought it was really strange, two nights in a hotel, on your birthday, just up the road, on your own. Well she wasn't on her own was she, it all came out. I'd always thought it was strange that she was quick to judge the wife for moaning when I thought (and voiced to him!) that she was justified.

During this time he was a bit of a dick, wanted her, didn't want her, didn't know what he wanted and she was hurt, we were out one night and a new guy to the village came over and started chatting, she went home and slept with him because she was feeling a bit unloved and unwanted.

Then things started to get messy, she was between the two, it's a small village, she didn't want them to meet, let alone talk and I guess I was the shield between them, it wasn't long after this that I started to realise our friendship was a little one way and backed away, as I backed away she didn't come forward.

Another friend works where she does and regularly tells me what she's up to, says she always asked about me and due to that I'm careful what I tell her, I've heard a few times during that time that they've broken up and got back together, I know when we were still friends that she was annoyed after the lease ended in her flat that he said no to her moving in.

I moved last summer, into my dream house and she'd obviously been told by the mutual friend, she sent me a text the day I moved saying she was happy for me and good luck, I responded and said thank you.

A few weeks later I got a friend request from EBFX who I'd not spoken to since before they split (about four years) I accepted and sent a 'how are you' pm, he responded and we had a bit of a catch up, he said we should meet for a drink, I'd not long moved and said I didn't really want to go out but he was welcome to pop up, he said he'd message me the next day and I didn't really expect to hear anything else.

On the Sunday I got a message saying he'd be up in half hour if that was ok, it was a lovely weekend and we sat out in the garden with a drink and caught up on the last four years, he said he was selling the cottage and looking at a new build, one was where I am and one on the site next door, TBF's daughter lives on the next road to me with her bf and was telling me that he still sees her occasionally, they keep in touch which I thought was nice, he did say that TBF's bf doesn't like her seeing him so they just say hi now if they bump into each other as he doesn't want to cause issues.

We chatted about dating, that neither of us meets anyone with any spark and that we're both useless cases and too fussy, we both said if we don't feel a connection we're out before we've ordered a drink!

As he left he gave me a hug and said that he'd have to get me actually out of the house one night for a drink.

We speak by message intermittently, he finally managed to sell the cottage and buy the house he wanted, I got a message one weekend asking if I'd go and help him choose flooring, which I did.

When he moved in he had a bit of time between completing on the house he'd sold and the new one so he used one of my spare rooms for storage for a month or so.

We continued to speak weekly or so and every so often he'd message and pop up for a drink or invite me over, we'd chat about all sorts, work, dating etc, he'd give me a hug and leave and I never really thought much of it.

We joked about TBF seeing him coming out of my house, it happened one day while he was moving out.

I knew she was moving (onto my road believe it or not) but I didn't want to send her a text and open up dialogue again, I knew which house it was, worked out the door number and sent her and the new boyfriend a new home card - that'd be it I thought.

That was the Friday before lockdown, that same day EBFX had messaged saying he'd had a crap week and did I fancy a bottle of wine, I was stressed out too and said yes, I'd love one.

His tone changed a bit that day, he was talking naked twister and we both laughed about it, when he arrived he seemed different in his manner, he also mentioned he'd not been able to get hold of naked twister but we could make it up as we went along.

The alcohol went down fast and we were a little merry.

We chatted as usual about dating and all sorts, he always says that we're both too fussy, which is why neither of us has found anyone, I'm not totally convinced he isn't right.

I can't really remember how it happened but he kissed me, which developed a little, I made it clear that he wasn't staying, which I think he was a little disappointed about, the thing is when he kissed me it wasn't great, I didn't feel anything, I certainly didn't feel I wanted to drag him into my bed but it's quite rare I meet someone that does make me feel like that.

The next day EBF messaged me thanking me for her card and saying that we should catch up at some point, I felt all the guilt in the world, I'd kissed her ex the night before.

A few weeks passed, EBFX was in touch intermittently, nothing about that Friday night, we'd gone into lockdown the Monday after so we couldn't see each other but there were no signs of him initiating anything else.

Time went on, I spoke with both EBF and EBFX and then lockdown rules relaxed a bit and EBF came to look at something at mine after we'd bumped into each other, it was awkward, we were like strangers, instead of the two people that had been so close.

During the lockdown I dropped off some baking a couple of times to EBFX and we chatted at the door.

Facebook had released a new 'care' emoji and as much as some people seem to love lockdown I'm feeling pretty affection starved, I'd seen or touched no one in what felt like forever but was likely about 10 weeks (since the kiss)

Shortly after posting that, this arrived....................

I put it off for a couple of weeks and then he came over for the evening, we talked about EBF and me seeing her, he said we'd be best friends again soon, which I didn't think would be the case. 

He went to leave and said 'I'd better give you that hug' which he did and that was that, totally different to the last time.

So, that was that, EBF and I saw each other again, over a couple of drinks this time, it was much more relaxed than it had been before and definitely had a feeling of how things used to be, I'm keen that we don't become best mates again as I don't like allowing myself to get bitten twice in a row but it's hard when we used to get on so well. 

He came over again a couple of weeks later and we had a couple of drinks, he asked if I was going to give him a cuddle and I did, he kissed me and it felt different to last time, I did feel something, it wasn't fireworks but definitely something. It escalated a little but not massively. 

We speak by message intermittently in between times, he's not much of a talker by message though so it is limited. 

It wouldn't be me if it weren't complicated and most people would think that their ex best friends ex would be complicated enough but not for me, EBFX works with someone that's an important part of this blog................................................ Knight in Shining Leathers. 

A couple of weeks ago I got a message from Knight, telling me that he had something he wanted to show me and could he come up, it was a nice evening and we had a cup of tea (and his much loved hobnobs that I usually have a packet of in the cupboard for him) in the garden as he showed me his new (vintage) bike, I'm pleased that I'm still the first person he comes to when something exciting or upsetting is happening to him. 

I have always loved him in leathers, so I did wonder if it would give me that feeling that I'd had for so many years when we were doing the FWB thing, he took his helmet off revealing his long, unkempt lockdown helmet hair that looked much more grey that last time I saw it and I felt nothing but friendship still, so that's positive right? 

I was doing lots of baking (mainly to stop me from drinking with work being so stressful) and XBFX had doorstep deliveries a couple of times, he suggested that next time I was bored I might like to make chocolate brownies that are his favourite, so next time I fancied baking I did. 

He was meant to come over on the Saturday to collect them but he cancelled as he wasn't feeling well, I was a bit disappointed as I was looking forward to seeing him and baking takes effort, he messaged the next day asking if I was around for him to collect the brownies, I said I was but only for an hour so he popped in, he had a migraine and to be fair he looked rough. 

He made a comment when he was here about us always drinking, I'm not totally sure that he doesn't think I'm always drunk when something happens and that's the reason - it isn't but we all know that a drink gives us a bit of courage!

He came over, was here for an hour and then left before I went out, we had general chat but I made sure I mentioned that Knight had popped up, if it came up I didn't want him to think I was trying to hide anything (although I don't think he knows that we haven't always just been friends but we are now and anything else is in the past)  

As he left he said 'Come and give me a hug then' I hugged him and he kissed me, more than a friendly kiss but less than anything else and off he went. 

Then we were due to see each other again (I did offer tea but he said he doesn't drink it!) and he cancelled again, I was a bit pissed to be honest - he said he 'had stuff to sort' 

My heads been quite confused during this time, I don't know if I want anymore from this, I don't know if he does, I don't know if we're just friends but the lines have definitely been blurred. 

EBF and I have got closer and she has been in my thoughts a lot, whether she'd feel betrayed if she knew we are friends, how she'd feel about it, what if she bumps into him coming or going from here and I do feel totally torn between them, I like them both. 

I decided that I was going to tell her we're friends, I mean currently that's all we are, she came round on one of the heatwave evenings, sat in my pool drinking vodka, it was nice but it was definitely playing on my mind and then she gave me an opening, as soon as I saw the opportunity I went in and took it. 

She was talking about the new housing estate and mentioned the houses looking really small, I casually said 'EBFX bought one of those and its huge' she said she knew he had (he still sees her daughter) which opened up the dialogue, I then told her we see each other, he'd done a couple of bits around the house for me etc, she said they'd still be friends if it weren't for her boyfriend being so jealous about it. 

I also said that for my birthday I'm having two friends staying but for 3-4 local friends I'd be inviting them for a drop in across the evening, so there is a chance they'll run into each other, she said she was totally fine with it, so..... that's all out in the open - I only have a couple of really close friends that know anything outside of the friendship bit so it's no different here (ok, well maybe a little) 

Then a couple of weeks after that we said we'd get together on the Saturday, I said I'd go to his as I've not been there since December and he's been here a fair bit, after the last two occasions I was half expecting him to cancel and if he did it was last chance saloon, he messaged asking what time I was going over.

I'd gone through lots of scenarios in my head of what 'stuff to sort' could be and was expecting it to be something really trivial that would annoy me or that he'd met someone, it wasn't either, it's some quite serious work stuff that's really playing on his mind and I totally understood why he'd cancelled, so all was forgiven.

We chatted for the evening, from separate sides of the sofa (he has a much bigger sofa than I do!) it started hammering with rain, he said that I could stay if I wanted and he'd drop me off in the morning (I live a five minute walk away) I said I'd be fine, it's only water, he offered to drive me home, again I said I'd be fine. 

I could have stayed but I didn't want to stay because it was raining, if I stayed I wanted it to be because that's what we both wanted. 

We said goodbye and I gave him a hug, he kissed me but properly kissed me and I left. 

I messaged him when I got home, saying I'd got soaked, he said that he'd offered to bring me home. I said I kinda felt like we are tiptoeing around each other a bit and I don't really know why, he said he knows what I mean and that is currently where we are.................