The Pilot - Black Box Edition

This is a post that I very much don't want to write, you'll see from my blog that it's rare that I meet someone that I want to pursue things further with, it's even more rare that I'm pretty excited about them and am really keen on seeing again, it's rare that those feelings seem reciprocal and it's rare that they tick all of those little boxes on my quite long list but The Pilot did.......................

Now I think there is a limit to the feelings you can have for someone in a couple of dates like we have, so it's not heartbreak like it is when you're in love, it's the feeling that something good could have been and you'll never know. 

We had conversations that I wouldn't normally have with people I don't know very well, we talked about the things we had in common, things we'd like to explore in (and out) of the bedroom, the list of things we have in common was long, when we asked each other questions, more often than not the other answered with 'me too' 

For three weeks I woke up to a 'Morning' message daily, followed by a photo and we talked most evenings until we said goodnight, it's a hard habit to break, let alone for it to be gone in an instant. 

You'll see in the last two posts about him that I've said all along he was too perfect and too good to be true, I also desperately wanted to be wrong, sadly I wasn't. 

I said in my last post that his contact had changed slightly on Friday and Saturday, just morning messages and then no contact during the day/evening, I am always concerned about changes in habit, it usually means something is happening in the background but by Sunday it was back to normal so I thought I was probably being stupid and overthinking. 

Sunday we talked from when he got home until we both went to bed, swapping photos and messages until gone midnight. 

Monday morning he sent me the usual 'Morning' message with a photo in his shirt as he was going into training and I responded with one of me in bed and that was it................... sometimes it takes a while to respond but he always does and it's usually quite fast, it set me on edge a bit but I knew he'd been in training and tried to put it down to that, while having the feeling in my stomach that this was the beginning of the end, following the change at the weekend. 

On our last date he'd talked about how it was his turn to give me the house tour at his and show me around the area, he was super fast in booking in dates one and two, so I thought I'd mention meeting to gauge what was happening, he'd been talking about it during the second date and since. 

I sent him a casual message at 19:40 asking how he was and asking if he fancied meeting for a drink one night, he responded at 20:58 in his usual manner but saying he had an annoying week but free next week if any good. 

I'm pretty sure the good friend is the ex, we'd chatted about past relationships over the weekend and he'd said that they are very good friends and see each other often but I don't see a major issue with that, usually I'd think that if they don't hate each other it's positive and he's likely not a wanker, he also said they'd split as they ended up being little more than friends.

Also; normally he'd tell me why the week was annoying, like this week he had two days training. 

Should I have sent the message I did? Who knows? I never will but I genuinely would rather know if someone is checking out, you can then move on and I'm a big fan of closure, I think it's important but I do need to remember that no matter what you do, you don't always get closure, in fact I don't think you often get closure, people find honesty difficult but is honesty really more difficult than deception?

Even though I know ALL of this I'm a Cancerian who isn't good at taking her own advice. I struggle to walk away from people I've connected with, whether it's friendly or romantically, I'm still friends with most of my exes, the Ex Best Friend is part of my life again, even after hurting me badly. 

I genuinely don't let people into my life easily, I'm not great at making friends and early days in new relationships are difficult for me as I have to lower the walls that I surround myself with and although I know this has to happen I find it incredibly hard, why lower a wall to enable someone to hit you with a baseball bat five minutes later. 

I don't think that I was harsh in the message? I was just asking a question and I guess giving him the opportunity to check out if he wanted to, unusually for me, I also stated that I did like him and would like to see him again, maybe that's where I went wrong?

The message was initially unread for the evening and I did wonder if it would stay like that indefinitely but at 07:58 the next morning it went to blue ticks and then 23 minutes later, after staring hard at the phone and my legs shaking wondering what it would say, I got a reply.

I expected it to be stroppy, or telling me to fuck off or something but it wasn't.

I was so pleased to see the message, that he wanted to see me again too but I did still have that feeling that something had changed, for the messaging to slow down, for the message to stay unread for so long, I left it a bit before responding as I knew he was in training and was unlikely to read it anyway and tried to respond in a similar vein to normal, despite what was happening in my head and stomach. 

It was read about five hours after it was sent and that's how it stayed, I looked at my phone, I saw him appear online, I got annoyed, I got upset, I stared at the phone harder to see if that would make it ping, I checked his Bumble location and it remained at home (he didn't check in from work on Monday or Tuesday, which has been ususual for him and it still remains at his home location) Met someone maybe? Girlfriend? 

If that was the case though why couldn't he have sent me a message saying that? I've met someone and I'd like to pursue it? I'd actually have had a respect for him (while still being hurt, I'm sure that bit wouldn't have changed) 

I've joked all along that he's so good he's got to have a wife or six girlfriends stashed in cupboards but the photos he's sent of him have all been carefully inspected for any signs of a woman or another person but thinking on it today, he does a lot of RAF work and his ex is a Pilot, so maybe she's been away while we've been talking and seeing each other? 

I actually have no idea why I'm speculating this because I'm never going to know. 

Yesterday, I thought 'maybe he was just busy, read the message and forgot to respond' because if I'm honest I do this all the time, a message comes in, I read it, go to respond, get distracted and that's it, a day, a week or a month later I remember and feel like a terrible person and apologise, so with that in mind I sent what would be a 'normal morning message' 

And then ends this story because it's been sitting for over 24 hours; Unread. 

I feel sad, it was only three weeks but I feel and overarching sadness that I finally thought it was my turn for something good to happen when it came to dating. I cried yesterday, like really cried, over someone I barely know, which is just totally bizarre to me. 

This morning I woke up feeling terribly sad and teary again, I was in tears while on a work call, all very unlike me. 

And it took me back to four years ago; when I found out that Cunt Face's lodger was his girlfriend of 7 years. One of the boys walked past my desk and said 'You look really sad today KF' and it totally summed up what was going on at the moment and I'm feeling it all again now. 

I'm a really weird mix of half introvert, half extrovert - an Ambivert. I get anxious over walking into a room, despite knowing that I'll be fine when I get in there. I absolutely hate small talk and am appalling at it but love conversations that engage me. I can be somewhere totally calm and be happy and be in the loudest of nightclubs and having a great time, I'm really good at finding our details that people wouldn't normally know and I'm well known as the joker. 

If someone asks me if I'm ok, the answer is 'I'm fine thanks, how are you' no matter what the real answer is, when W@nk Bag and I broke up I cried every day for two weeks on the three hour round trip to work and back but you'd have never known it had happened when I walked into a meeting but I'd see friends and be happy, close my front door, crash against it and sob, I guess what I'm saying is for someone to pick up I'm sad it's pretty bad! 

The last time I really hoped like this was four years ago, with Cunt Face, again right from date one there was something there and date two was even better, lots of chemistry, lots of laughter and that feeling of hope that this could be something. 

Being the person I am, that struggles to leave things I'm going to send one more message in a few days, asking if he can send the Black Box Data; because it seems his planes gone down over the ocean with radio silence. 

I know it won't help, I know it won't make me feel better, I know he'll likely leave it unread but sometimes you have to do something because you feel that you need to and this is one of those times.