Monday, 14 August 2017

Another weekend gone...........

In a flash, this weekend was the Western style Murder Mystery party in Lincs for a friends hubby's 50th birthday, it was good apart from me having a rather big headache that is now into day three and seems pretty unshiftable currently, I am however at work (and debating whether that's the best idea I've ever had or not.

So, Cake Destroyer has been hassling for photo's of me in my outfit, I ignored it a couple of times but I did say I'd send some after the party, so after many asks I sent some through this morning, I was wearing a red corset (a proper corset not the sort you buy from amazon with tiny, thin little bits of wire that only work if you are a C cup (I'm a JJ so that sort of thing doesn't work on me!) a Saloon girl type skirt, just above my knee at the front and long at the back with lots of layers to it, flower patterned fishnet tights (that looked much nicer than they sound) choker, etc. The message back said that I looked absolutely fantastic, it was worth his persistence, bloody gorgeous and I was the best dressed person there. I said that it was his turn now and he sent me a photo of him dressed as a rather hot Sperman, I have to admit to being impressed!

Nothing from Cunt Face apart from a Snap Chat in response to my outfit but have had some others in touch, such as Mr Bumble, nothing exciting though.

Thursday, 10 August 2017

The week is nearly over......

It's been a long week, a very long week...............

Cake Destroyer is doing my head in a bit, still long messages but they are more infrequent now, a couple a day probably, usually one first thing (although there wasn’t one today but he’s not been online since he sent me the last message last night) now, I don’t know if I’m being paranoid because of what’s happened in the past or that I’m not being paranoid and I won’t hear much more from him.
Now there was no chemistry on date one, so I shouldn’t really be too bothered, what bothers me most is when someone is so keen and then it drops off, although the messages have still been really involved and I know that basic training is a killer, so it could be that but he’s not suggested a day to see each other again yet.

So, last night I was trying on my outfit for the party this weekend, it’s a 1880’s Western themed murder mystery and my part is a saloon girl.

So, my outfit is a red corset (it’s simply beautiful and fits amazingly well) a skirt (as yet undecided) a pair of stunning shoe boots, that I just won’t be able to wear for very long as they will kill me but they are going to be worth it, patterned fish nets, it looks great but I can’t decide between the final two skirts, one is shorter, one longer, same sort of style.

Before you think I'm getting dressed up because there will be lots of men there, there won't, certainly no single one's but I do take getting dressed up very seriously!

I get a message from the Best Friend to say that he’s out with the Car Salesman and about the Ex, he wants us all to do dinner, which I’m cool with, I sent him a photo of the shoes (he likes a girl dressed up) he says he likes them so I ask him to help me choose a skirt, he likes the shorter one, no idea why I bothered asking if I’m honest, I should have known.

A little later I get a message on FB from the Car Salesman, saying he’d been out with BF and we need to talk and that he loved my shoes, I asked why we needed to talk and that he’d ducked out of dinner, he said that BF is in bits which is why we need to talk and he would be more help with outfit choices than BF, he said we have joint custody of them.

Anyway, he offered to help me choose a skirt, so I sent him photo’s, one of the short and one of the longer (both in heels, fishnets and corset) he chose the shorter outfit but said that I looked hot and that even 18 years later I still look incredible, apparently I have an amazing smile and boobs!
He went on to say how I suit a corset and that I am a ‘walking fantasy with attitude’ I think he was pretty impressed with the outfit overall!  He sent me his number and said to text him.

I brought up (as I always do) the him shagging my mate thing, it’s not even a skeleton anymore, we literally laugh about it, he again told me it was the worst decision he’d made and what a twat he was. He talked about the date we’d been on five years ago and how good it had been, he said that things around that time were crazy and he’d tell me when we met up, but I said I wanted to know, anyway turns out he’s had a one night stand a month before we’d met and she’d called the next day telling him she was pregnant with twins, it was all messy and it kept getting worse, a cancer care, a new boyfriend, losing one of the twins, death threats which is why he pulled back from me at the time. He told me how much he’d loved that evening although he knew I’d hated his film choice. He said he’d remembered how good a kisser I was and described it and he’d wished we’d sorted our acts out 18 years ago when we first met.

He talked about the day we first met and how he remembers it, that I’m still hot now only have better taste in corsets but that he remembered I always had excellent taste in underwear (he’d obviously caught me on the right days or when I was prepared!) his last message to me (I went to sleep) was that he was ‘Lastly, I’m sorry for being a cunt, a massive cunt’ which to be fair I don’t think he was really.

We were both young, I didn’t know what I wanted, he thought he did, I couldn’t decide, I was 21, in a new job, surrounded by some pretty hot men and I didn’t know what I wanted, however sleeping with my then best mate was obviously taking it too far, although in fairness we were never actually going out, just seeing each other so really he wasn’t in the wrong for sleeping with someone else, just for doing it so close to home.

Sometimes I think familiarity can do funny things to you, he’s safe for me because it’s old and familiar, it’s like the cuddly toy I’ve had since I was a baby, I know I can always go back to it for comfort but then I know I can leave it in a cupboard for 5 years and not think twice about it too.
The four of us have always had such good banter together, so although I can’t imagine curry will happen it would be nice for it to, it’s been years since we’ve seen each other, life is a funny game, he’s asked today why I don’t have a man in tow and if I still have very little time for knobheads, which yes I do still have little time for knobheads!

Mr Bumble keeps popping up, nothing exciting to report, Cunt Face as ever pops up and disappears, I hope his rash itches like fuck! 

Monday, 7 August 2017

The weekend was tragic.........

Had a nice day at racing Saturday with the family I choose, however Sunday was marred by a big accident at the circuit, with a rider high siding and being run over by his team mate (totally unavoidable) it was several hours later that we heard that rider had died and his name was released, only to be someone I know, not someone I know well but he used to be a customer of mine in a previous life, we were Facebook friends for the 5/6 years that have elapsed, we'd chat on messenger at times and I'd had a conversation with him on Saturday evening, I feel numb.

He was a good person, that had been through a lot, an ex Royal Marine, an amputee after an accident, a positive, lovely tough gentleman with a heart of gold and he's gone, out there doing something he loved but that's still no reason to tell someone it's better because he was doing something he loved, it's not, it's really not and the next person that tells me that might get a punch in the face.

It's funny, when it's someone you know it brings it so much closer to home and makes you think about life a little differently, awful as it sounds but it’s a lot easier to be clinical about things when it’s another racer that you don’t know, that isn’t in the same paddock and in the same race with your own rider, still awful but not as awful.

It’s brought a lot of things back too, three years ago I lost a friend who was racing at one of the worlds best and most dangerous road races, it was his second year there, I’d known him for a couple of years prior to that and he had worked for me, he was a great guy, we flirted, he was married so I made sure it stayed at that but if I’m honest I always thought that there was a tomorrow for something to possibly happen between us if it was meant to be, until the day that I had my interview for my current job.

As always I’d messaged him that morning telling him good luck and to stay safe and he’d responded, I’d had the interview that had gone well and went over to my hometown to spend the day with one of my best friends/mum substitute, that afternoon I was just getting ready to leave and had a scroll through Facebook, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, everywhere I looked were RIP messages. All that went through my head was don’t be stupid, why are people doing this, it wasn’t until I saw it coming up on pages of mutual friends that I believed it had happened, I cried all of the way home and continued that for days.

He was two years younger than me (as is the person that died this weekend) he had two young children, while he might not have been perfect he was a good bloke, he’d had his moments over the years (lots of them very high profile moments) but a nice guy that was very personable and was always decent to me.

Often he’d get me tickets to the rounds (he always offered) I’d offer to pay him and he’d tell me that one day I would pay him in kind for them, I don’t know if anything would have ever happened between us but I guess from that day I felt I’d been robbed of the chance a bit, should I have cared about the wife if he didn’t? Would it have made anything better? (We all know it wouldn’t, if anything it would have probably got very messy and been worse)

What it did do for me is make me think a bit more that I needed to hold back less and grab hold of things more, that day changed my life a little bit and I think yesterday will too. To this day he still spends a lot of time in my thoughts.

Racing is a small world, a little family really, the rider and team I go with are the family I choose and I love them like they are my family, the person that died this weekend was riding in the same series, in the same race and it brings it so close to home, two people in three years I know doesn’t sound a lot but it feels it.

Anyway, back to dating disasters which seems almost cheery compared to the rest of this post.

Cunt Face did get in touch, the day after I was near where he lives, I know, typical, I know. He asked how my visit was, I wanted to ignore the twat but you know I couldn’t hold that out for long, we had a general conversation, he told me he was struggling with itching (I wasn’t sniggering, honest, ok, I bloody was) I asked if it was all of the nasty things he’d been touching, he replied that the last thing he’d touch was ‘some southern fairy’ meaning me, not being funny but I doubt that is the case – by the way, this isn’t something nasty (well I don’t think it is!) and it’s not been caught off me as we’ve not been intimately close, just so you know like! I imagine he’s probably changed aftershave or washing powder or something and it disagrees with him, however him, being him he’s gone to the Dr and asked them to conduct all sorts of tests to find out why.

Now I’m a bit allergic myself, so I get it’s annoying but really? Spoke briefly over the weekend but as usual no substance, I Snapchatted him in my outfit for this weekends party last week, his response was ‘Erections, erections everywhere’ so I guess I look ok in it!

Cake Destroyer got in touch on Friday evening, I was pretty impressed really that he’d appeared back on Whatsapp and within an hour I had a message, with an apology for the lack of responses, saying he’d just got back from exercise, asking how I was and how my week was.

I said I’d not expected him to respond as I knew he was away being beasted, we chatted for most of the evening, I do find Whatsapp a bit of a fail sometimes though, because I can see if he’s read my message and not answered I then get annoyed, when we were on Tinder I didn’t know if he’d read them or not, so it didn’t matter.

Now, I could turn off my last seen but I don’t want to do that (CF does that but I can still see when the tosser is online, if I am at the same time) but then I get annoyed that he’s read it and not come back to me.

His messages appear to be in the same vein but he’s not suggested we meet up again as yet and responses aren’t as fast as I’d like but then I respond ridiculously fast (to everyone) and I guess he has just been away for a week though and then had a working weekend but he’s on leave from Friday for two weeks, so I guess we won’t see each other again then and I’m all good with chatting but I don’t want to chat for ages to then find that the chemistry really isn’t there, why does life have to be so complex?!

He did however send me a photo of him in blues and I've got to say that even in a uniform it wasn't his best look, I'm not sure he isn't hotter in his photos that real life but this one didn't make me want to grab hold of him and drag him to my bedroom....

Getting lots of messages again but struggling with being bothered with the boring chat currently, after yesterday I’m in need of a cuddle and maybe Prince Charming to fucking sort his shit out and appear in front of me! 

Wednesday, 2 August 2017

Another Week...............

Is halfway through.

No news from Cunt Face since Saturday (No surprises really) No news from the Cake Destroyer since late Sunday eve, however he is on exercise so I didn't expect to as I'm pretty sure that they aren't allowed phones (he's not been on Whatsapp since 5am Monday morning which seems to fit with me thinking they aren't allowed phones) so we'll see if I hear from him over the weekend when he's back, he was terribly complementary on Sunday after the date, so I've got no real reason to think he won't, however you know how this internet dating thing is these days, you are the best thing in the world one day and ghosted the next!

The sites are pretty busy with messages but I can't really be arsed at the moment, I'm totally bored of small talk and boring questions, maybe time to take a break? However when I take a break I kinda feel like I'm waiting for CF to get in touch and maybe I am a bit, I like having someone that messages me each day, the Cancerian in me needs to feel needed and it saves me making it all up in my vivid little imagination!

I've found it a bit odd not hearing from CD each day, as I have since we first matched, not messages all day like CF and I used to do but one first thing and then a couple more once he finishes work, however our messages are rarely short, they are always long and with substance which makes such a nice change (I did also check the Tinder distance and it's not moved so he's not looked on that since he left either) dating these days makes you a bit paranoid I think.

Mr Bumble has been in touch, he popped up saying that the serial dater needed some help, basically he's been chatting to a woman who's 'currently married' I said I'd need further details but turns out she's only been split with her husband a month ago, on that I said I wouldn't touch it, it's too soon and I think that anyone that can't have a bit of space in their lives after relationship (even more so a marriage) has issues but that I'm not like most and I regard marriage very highly and something that you should take seriously.

Anyway he's going for dinner with her tonight, she's suggested a posh seafood restaurant which he says he finds a bit odd, he also messaged last night to say he had a 'Whatsapp Date' I'm not entirely sure what that is but he says he'll fill me in and she'd asked what his favourite colour was (we joke that this is the most awful dating question ever, unless you are five years old) however I don't know if this is the same woman or a different one! He says the married woman is hot so he's going to see what happens, she also has a toddler and a lot of baggage so we'll see how that one goes.

He asked a question yesterday and it's kind of played on my mind a little bit, he asked if CD was a bit young for me (he's 29, 30 next months and I'm now 39) so it's 9 years between us. Mr Bumble is 31 so I asked if he felt I was too old for him, he said not at all, so I'm not sure why there is such a difference between someone who is 29 and someone who is 31? Is he too young for me?

Works been slow this week, which has given me rather a lot of time in my own head, which realistically is never good when you are me, I fell asleep on the sofa last night, I'm constantly tired, I do wonder if it's down to life just being so stressful in general, with work happenings the week before last and the rollercoaster that is my lack of a love life?