The weekend was tragic.........

Had a nice day at racing Saturday with the family I choose, however Sunday was marred by a big accident at the circuit, with a rider high siding and being run over by his team mate (totally unavoidable) it was several hours later that we heard that rider had died and his name was released, only to be someone I know, not someone I know well but he used to be a customer of mine in a previous life, we were Facebook friends for the 5/6 years that have elapsed, we'd chat on messenger at times and I'd had a conversation with him on Saturday evening, I feel numb.

He was a good person, that had been through a lot, an ex Royal Marine, an amputee after an accident, a positive, lovely tough gentleman with a heart of gold and he's gone, out there doing something he loved but that's still no reason to tell someone it's better because he was doing something he loved, it's not, it's really not and the next person that tells me that might get a punch in the face.

It's funny, when it's someone you know it brings it so much closer to home and makes you think about life a little differently, awful as it sounds but it’s a lot easier to be clinical about things when it’s another racer that you don’t know, that isn’t in the same paddock and in the same race with your own rider, still awful but not as awful.

It’s brought a lot of things back too, three years ago I lost a friend who was racing at one of the worlds best and most dangerous road races, it was his second year there, I’d known him for a couple of years prior to that and he had worked for me, he was a great guy, we flirted, he was married so I made sure it stayed at that but if I’m honest I always thought that there was a tomorrow for something to possibly happen between us if it was meant to be, until the day that I had my interview for my current job.

As always I’d messaged him that morning telling him good luck and to stay safe and he’d responded, I’d had the interview that had gone well and went over to my hometown to spend the day with one of my best friends/mum substitute, that afternoon I was just getting ready to leave and had a scroll through Facebook, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, everywhere I looked were RIP messages. All that went through my head was don’t be stupid, why are people doing this, it wasn’t until I saw it coming up on pages of mutual friends that I believed it had happened, I cried all of the way home and continued that for days.

He was two years younger than me (as is the person that died this weekend) he had two young children, while he might not have been perfect he was a good bloke, he’d had his moments over the years (lots of them very high profile moments) but a nice guy that was very personable and was always decent to me.

Often he’d get me tickets to the rounds (he always offered) I’d offer to pay him and he’d tell me that one day I would pay him in kind for them, I don’t know if anything would have ever happened between us but I guess from that day I felt I’d been robbed of the chance a bit, should I have cared about the wife if he didn’t? Would it have made anything better? (We all know it wouldn’t, if anything it would have probably got very messy and been worse)

What it did do for me is make me think a bit more that I needed to hold back less and grab hold of things more, that day changed my life a little bit and I think yesterday will too. To this day he still spends a lot of time in my thoughts.

Racing is a small world, a little family really, the rider and team I go with are the family I choose and I love them like they are my family, the person that died this weekend was riding in the same series, in the same race and it brings it so close to home, two people in three years I know doesn’t sound a lot but it feels it.

Anyway, back to dating disasters which seems almost cheery compared to the rest of this post.

Cunt Face did get in touch, the day after I was near where he lives, I know, typical, I know. He asked how my visit was, I wanted to ignore the twat but you know I couldn’t hold that out for long, we had a general conversation, he told me he was struggling with itching (I wasn’t sniggering, honest, ok, I bloody was) I asked if it was all of the nasty things he’d been touching, he replied that the last thing he’d touch was ‘some southern fairy’ meaning me, not being funny but I doubt that is the case – by the way, this isn’t something nasty (well I don’t think it is!) and it’s not been caught off me as we’ve not been intimately close, just so you know like! I imagine he’s probably changed aftershave or washing powder or something and it disagrees with him, however him, being him he’s gone to the Dr and asked them to conduct all sorts of tests to find out why.

Now I’m a bit allergic myself, so I get it’s annoying but really? Spoke briefly over the weekend but as usual no substance, I Snapchatted him in my outfit for this weekends party last week, his response was ‘Erections, erections everywhere’ so I guess I look ok in it!

Cake Destroyer got in touch on Friday evening, I was pretty impressed really that he’d appeared back on Whatsapp and within an hour I had a message, with an apology for the lack of responses, saying he’d just got back from exercise, asking how I was and how my week was.

I said I’d not expected him to respond as I knew he was away being beasted, we chatted for most of the evening, I do find Whatsapp a bit of a fail sometimes though, because I can see if he’s read my message and not answered I then get annoyed, when we were on Tinder I didn’t know if he’d read them or not, so it didn’t matter.

Now, I could turn off my last seen but I don’t want to do that (CF does that but I can still see when the tosser is online, if I am at the same time) but then I get annoyed that he’s read it and not come back to me.

His messages appear to be in the same vein but he’s not suggested we meet up again as yet and responses aren’t as fast as I’d like but then I respond ridiculously fast (to everyone) and I guess he has just been away for a week though and then had a working weekend but he’s on leave from Friday for two weeks, so I guess we won’t see each other again then and I’m all good with chatting but I don’t want to chat for ages to then find that the chemistry really isn’t there, why does life have to be so complex?!

He did however send me a photo of him in blues and I've got to say that even in a uniform it wasn't his best look, I'm not sure he isn't hotter in his photos that real life but this one didn't make me want to grab hold of him and drag him to my bedroom....

Getting lots of messages again but struggling with being bothered with the boring chat currently, after yesterday I’m in need of a cuddle and maybe Prince Charming to fucking sort his shit out and appear in front of me!