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The Pilot - Black Box Edition

This is a post that I very much don't want to write, you'll see from my blog that it's rare that I meet someone that I want to pursue things further with, it's even more rare that I'm pretty excited about them and am really keen on seeing again, it's rare that those feelings seem reciprocal and it's rare that they tick all of those little boxes on my quite long list but The Pilot did.......................

Now I think there is a limit to the feelings you can have for someone in a couple of dates like we have, so it's not heartbreak like it is when you're in love, it's the feeling that something good could have been and you'll never know. 

We had conversations that I wouldn't normally have with people I don't know very well, we talked about the things we had in common, things we'd like to explore in (and out) of the bedroom, the list of things we have in common was long, when we asked each other questions, more often than not the other answered with 'me too' 

For three weeks I woke up to a 'Morning' message daily, followed by a photo and we talked most evenings until we said goodnight, it's a hard habit to break, let alone for it to be gone in an instant. 

You'll see in the last two posts about him that I've said all along he was too perfect and too good to be true, I also desperately wanted to be wrong, sadly I wasn't. 

I said in my last post that his contact had changed slightly on Friday and Saturday, just morning messages and then no contact during the day/evening, I am always concerned about changes in habit, it usually means something is happening in the background but by Sunday it was back to normal so I thought I was probably being stupid and overthinking. 

Sunday we talked from when he got home until we both went to bed, swapping photos and messages until gone midnight. 

Monday morning he sent me the usual 'Morning' message with a photo in his shirt as he was going into training and I responded with one of me in bed and that was it................... sometimes it takes a while to respond but he always does and it's usually quite fast, it set me on edge a bit but I knew he'd been in training and tried to put it down to that, while having the feeling in my stomach that this was the beginning of the end, following the change at the weekend. 

On our last date he'd talked about how it was his turn to give me the house tour at his and show me around the area, he was super fast in booking in dates one and two, so I thought I'd mention meeting to gauge what was happening, he'd been talking about it during the second date and since. 

I sent him a casual message at 19:40 asking how he was and asking if he fancied meeting for a drink one night, he responded at 20:58 in his usual manner but saying he had an annoying week but free next week if any good. 

I'm pretty sure the good friend is the ex, we'd chatted about past relationships over the weekend and he'd said that they are very good friends and see each other often but I don't see a major issue with that, usually I'd think that if they don't hate each other it's positive and he's likely not a wanker, he also said they'd split as they ended up being little more than friends.

Also; normally he'd tell me why the week was annoying, like this week he had two days training. 

Should I have sent the message I did? Who knows? I never will but I genuinely would rather know if someone is checking out, you can then move on and I'm a big fan of closure, I think it's important but I do need to remember that no matter what you do, you don't always get closure, in fact I don't think you often get closure, people find honesty difficult but is honesty really more difficult than deception?

Even though I know ALL of this I'm a Cancerian who isn't good at taking her own advice. I struggle to walk away from people I've connected with, whether it's friendly or romantically, I'm still friends with most of my exes, the Ex Best Friend is part of my life again, even after hurting me badly. 

I genuinely don't let people into my life easily, I'm not great at making friends and early days in new relationships are difficult for me as I have to lower the walls that I surround myself with and although I know this has to happen I find it incredibly hard, why lower a wall to enable someone to hit you with a baseball bat five minutes later. 

I don't think that I was harsh in the message? I was just asking a question and I guess giving him the opportunity to check out if he wanted to, unusually for me, I also stated that I did like him and would like to see him again, maybe that's where I went wrong?

The message was initially unread for the evening and I did wonder if it would stay like that indefinitely but at 07:58 the next morning it went to blue ticks and then 23 minutes later, after staring hard at the phone and my legs shaking wondering what it would say, I got a reply.

I expected it to be stroppy, or telling me to fuck off or something but it wasn't.

I was so pleased to see the message, that he wanted to see me again too but I did still have that feeling that something had changed, for the messaging to slow down, for the message to stay unread for so long, I left it a bit before responding as I knew he was in training and was unlikely to read it anyway and tried to respond in a similar vein to normal, despite what was happening in my head and stomach. 

It was read about five hours after it was sent and that's how it stayed, I looked at my phone, I saw him appear online, I got annoyed, I got upset, I stared at the phone harder to see if that would make it ping, I checked his Bumble location and it remained at home (he didn't check in from work on Monday or Tuesday, which has been ususual for him and it still remains at his home location) Met someone maybe? Girlfriend? 

If that was the case though why couldn't he have sent me a message saying that? I've met someone and I'd like to pursue it? I'd actually have had a respect for him (while still being hurt, I'm sure that bit wouldn't have changed) 

I've joked all along that he's so good he's got to have a wife or six girlfriends stashed in cupboards but the photos he's sent of him have all been carefully inspected for any signs of a woman or another person but thinking on it today, he does a lot of RAF work and his ex is a Pilot, so maybe she's been away while we've been talking and seeing each other? 

I actually have no idea why I'm speculating this because I'm never going to know. 

Yesterday, I thought 'maybe he was just busy, read the message and forgot to respond' because if I'm honest I do this all the time, a message comes in, I read it, go to respond, get distracted and that's it, a day, a week or a month later I remember and feel like a terrible person and apologise, so with that in mind I sent what would be a 'normal morning message' 

And then ends this story because it's been sitting for over 24 hours; Unread. 

I feel sad, it was only three weeks but I feel and overarching sadness that I finally thought it was my turn for something good to happen when it came to dating. I cried yesterday, like really cried, over someone I barely know, which is just totally bizarre to me. 

This morning I woke up feeling terribly sad and teary again, I was in tears while on a work call, all very unlike me. 

And it took me back to four years ago; when I found out that Cunt Face's lodger was his girlfriend of 7 years. One of the boys walked past my desk and said 'You look really sad today KF' and it totally summed up what was going on at the moment and I'm feeling it all again now. 

I'm a really weird mix of half introvert, half extrovert - an Ambivert. I get anxious over walking into a room, despite knowing that I'll be fine when I get in there. I absolutely hate small talk and am appalling at it but love conversations that engage me. I can be somewhere totally calm and be happy and be in the loudest of nightclubs and having a great time, I'm really good at finding our details that people wouldn't normally know and I'm well known as the joker. 

If someone asks me if I'm ok, the answer is 'I'm fine thanks, how are you' no matter what the real answer is, when W@nk Bag and I broke up I cried every day for two weeks on the three hour round trip to work and back but you'd have never known it had happened when I walked into a meeting but I'd see friends and be happy, close my front door, crash against it and sob, I guess what I'm saying is for someone to pick up I'm sad it's pretty bad! 

The last time I really hoped like this was four years ago, with Cunt Face, again right from date one there was something there and date two was even better, lots of chemistry, lots of laughter and that feeling of hope that this could be something. 

Being the person I am, that struggles to leave things I'm going to send one more message in a few days, asking if he can send the Black Box Data; because it seems his planes gone down over the ocean with radio silence. 

I know it won't help, I know it won't make me feel better, I know he'll likely leave it unread but sometimes you have to do something because you feel that you need to and this is one of those times. 

EXFX - Continued...........

I've seen him a couple of times since the night I got soaked on the way home from his house. 

His flirt game has upped in his very own quite niche way, which is using terminology such as his 'balls are always happy when I'm around' (I know, go figure) or do I want him to make a diversion and come to mine after he's been out (it's a small village and he lives approx 3 minutes walk away from me and has to not far walk past my road) 

He came over one evening on the pretext of giving me a massage but he's not very good at massage apparently so didn't, however he did take me to bed for a bit (still didn't quite get to sex) but he did actually remember it was was a two person event this time, that's positive right?

He's not the best communicator, it can be every day, once a week, longer, who knows, I usually let him initiate contact though, he's normally first and it's rare I suggest we see each other, he does the leg work. 

I guess we still talk fairly regularly but I like a bit more consistency and I probably do favour at least daily communication and it's quite rare we have that between us, although sometimes we do...... yeah, I guess it's a bit like that really! I am used to it with him though and I've now learned not to overthink it with him. A phrase I'm going to use is one I'd like to live by more really 'it is what it is' 

He works in timber and I've had some stuff from them recently for the garden (that was a funny conversation when my carpenter called them and he answered and the phone was passed to me - he said he nearly didn't recognise my posh voice, I mean I've never spoken to him on the phone before so why would he?! I've been waiting on the developer to make changes to the wall and then for the trellis from his company to go up, once the wall was up I sent him a photo, he said he didn't think I needed the trellis anymore but said he'd come over and have a look if I wanted a second opinion, which I did. 

We had a couple of days of his version of flirting and asking me if I'd put the pool up yet and when he asked me on the Sunday I said that I was going to put it up but that he would be going in it, he said he didn't want to go in it, he'd asked me for several days if I'd put it up yet, why wouldn't you?

He messaged a little later and asked if I was in, said he'd pop round and that I would see him before I heard him, meaning he was driving, I told him that was very lazy and he should leave the car at home, he said he was already out. 

He turned up, minus the car and I commented that it was nice he had actually done as he was told for once, we went to sit outside with a drink, he had said in the week he had a pop rivet gun and would fix my kitten pen for me, so he got me to take me up and show him, realising that it was more complicated than he'd originally thought. 

As we walked back downstairs he said something about not having eaten so I offered a sandwich, he said he was fine but he'd like a kiss and pulled me into him, he got a bit hot and steamy in the hall and he suggested going up to bed, I told him that he'd be getting in the pool first...... I mean it did seem like he needed to cool off?

As I pulled my shorts off he commented about me getting ready for the pool, I said that I'd always been getting in and had my bikini on underneath, he changed into his trunks and got in the pool, I mean it took him ages and he moaned a lot about how cold it was (it really wasn't that cold, it was over 30 and sunny, the pool was lovely) he stayed in about half hour and then got out, I got out too and came in to go to the loo, as I walked back through the house he was standing there, keen to get back to where we'd been before the pool, we went up to my room and I think we may have got to sex this time apart from 'have you got any protection' to which I explained that not even condoms have that long on their expiry date! 

I've not had sex with anyone in 4/5 years so any I have had in that time have gone out of date and been chucked away, in fact not even just one box has met its fate like this, if I was seeing someone I think I'd have time to preempt it moving on and rectify that but I've not been sure that we'll ever get there. 

Again we never quite got there, I'm still not back on that horse. He cuddled me for a bit and we chatted for a while before he got dressed and went home. 

Although it was more normal as it was an afternoon I still feel like the getting dressed and going home bit makes it feel a bit transactional? 

I had to order some hinges for the kitten pen, so I messaged him when they arrived, he said he could possibly do it that day and then a bit later that he was tired, when I didn't hear anymore from here I assumed he wasn't coming over.....

It was just over a week later that I heard from him but he has been away for the weekend with friends and only got back Monday night. 

The Trellis has posed a problem, it needs to go back but my carpenter wants to take it back when he's there so has asked me to contact him to find out when he is in work but I didn't want to contact him because it's rarely me that makes the first move, the carpenter just knows we're friends, so he probably wonders why I'm stalling, instead of being more keen on getting my money back, truth is I'm stalling because I didn't want to be making the first move at getting in touch. 

On Tuesday night I had the lovely date with The Pilot, you know the sort of date that you get carried away from, when you turn up and they actually look and sound how you expect, they haven't lied about themselves, they look like their photos, the conversation flows and you get home and get a message saying they'd like to see you again, followed by actually arranging to see you again............ yes, those weird and wonderful dates that nearly NEVER happen to me! 

And a few hours later XBFX sends a message about coming over, I'd had nothing in over a week..... I didn't want to make a decision because I don't know what's going on in the background with either of them. I do worry about ruining the friendship between XBFX and I but it was only just over a week ago that we were talking about a group of guys that go away on 'boys weekends' and cheat on their respective partners, he said that 'chance would be a fine thing' when he's away and I'm not sure that didn't really tell me all I need to know. 

Then Thursday brought Date Two with The Pilot, which was just as good as Date One, all of my multi dating theories went out of the window as I now wouldn't want to go on a date with anyone else until we know where we are and have explored things further. I said that there wasn't a hurry as the date I originally needed it for had passed and I had a few weeks before the next one, we had a quick chat, he's still got things going on at work and that was it...................

Until I bumped into him on Saturday night, while I was walking home with his ex, her boyfriend and one of his mates, he's read my message and hasn't replied, so I'm guessing that I'm in the dog house. 

He also appeared on my Tinder feed last night (I'm not on there because I'm looking to date, I'm on there because I feel if The Pilot's still dating I should at least be looking) 

I had a Facebook notification this morning reminding me that it was a year ago he first came to the house after getting in touch again, we spent the evening in the garden, having a drink while looking at the stars in my beautiful new house (it wasn't romantic like it sounds!!) 

Life is never simple around here is it?

The Pilot - Date Two

Two dates in three days, this is totally unheard of for me, two dates in two weeks maybe, three days, I don't think has ever happened before.......

I was terribly nervous, you can't dress up for a date at home, it was hot so I was in jean shorts and a black vest top, no makeup, freshly washed but 'un done' hair. 

He said he was excited to come over, the girls in my response being the cats, obviously, he gave me his ETA as he left home and I really did feel all of the pre date nerves. 

He arrived in shorts, T-Shirt and Flip Flops and took them off when he walked in, it was nice that I didn't need to ask him to, which happens so often. 

I asked what he'd like to drink and he said Tea, he was admiring the view from my front window and moved behind me and started rubbing my shoulders, to put that into context we've messaged a lot that we both like being massaged and are quite tactile, so it didn't feel odd. 

He's like a big, bouncy puppy, he went out into the garden for a look and said how lovely the house and garden was and again as I was stood talking to him about the garden he moved behind me and rubbed my shoulders.

We sat and chatted and a little way in he commented on my painted toe nails and said he'd try some reflexology on my feet, again we'd discussed this in messages previously, he wasn't that good at it but ya know, willing is good right?

He knew I had friends coming round in the evening and checked what time so that he wasn't getting in the way of cooking, which was thoughtful, I said I was good for a while and offered another cup of tea, he said if I was sure I had time and kept saying he was fine if I needed to answer emails etc (he was on standby and I was working but had arranged it so I'd not be very busy) 

When we came back in I said if he sat on the floor I'd massage his shoulders before he hit the motorway, he sat on the floor between my legs and I massaged his neck and shoulders through his T-Shirt, it was nice, he smelled AMAZING and has broad shoulders and strong arms, honestly it felt like such a chore!! 😉 He then decided that he should return the favour, so he did, with a bit of a rest stop to rest his arms on my chest at points. He said that it's the best second date he's had and much better than his usual stop at a service station, I mean, you'd hope so. 

We sat and chatted some more and he was asking about the house, so I offered a tour, he again took the opportunity to be rubbing my shoulders where he could but him being behind me kind of fits better due to the 10 inch height difference! As we walked round the house, he commented about how big it was and how clean it was, I mean, it wasn't like I wasn't expecting guests but I guess I have turned into a bit of a clean freak since I moved here, it's hard not to in a new house. 

And then we went up to my room...........

Again the view was admired (my house looks onto fields and it is beautiful, it was one of the reasons for buying the house)

He asked if he could try my bed, I said yes and he laid down and asked which was my side, we discussed it and we both sleep on the same side, he pulled me into a spoon and hugged me tightly, it felt nice. 

I already knew at this point that I wasn't going to let it go any further, not that I didn't want it to, I really did but second date is too early for me, I'm not sure we'd get past third though if I'm honest. 

I turned over and we kissed properly for the first time, it was slow and gentle but definitely with some passion in there, he did try to take things a bit further but on his hand being moved stopped immediately. 

It got a bit heated and I suggested that it was probably time he hit the road and I got ready for friends that were coming for dinner, that was done really to save myself from wanting to rip his clothes off in reality. We went downstairs and he kissed me goodbye. 

I got a message about an hour later, to which I replied and then never heard from him until the Morning message on Friday. 

We had our normal morning chat and on most mornings we send a photo, one of us is usually ready for work and one in bed. We had a chat as usual, I was working and he was up north and was going out drinking with friends in the afternoon. I sent him a photo in the afternoon of my new desk and chair and he responded, I then didn't as he was out and the next I heard from him was the morning message the next day. 

We chatted for a bit and swapped photos as per usual, he was off to his brothers to help in the garden, I didn't hear from him for the rest of the day and my message was unread from 11:40 to 23:15 - now it had no questions, so he didn't need to answer but it sent me into overthinking mode fairly easily.

Overthinking isn't difficult for me, I overthink everything and if there was an overthinking Olympics I would easily be a Gold Medallist. I overthink everything from have I locked the door to why I'm terrible at my job, maybe I said something to upset someone, what if we get locked down again, what if I lose my job, what if I can't afford my mortgage. 

Honestly I am terrible, I also rarely meet anyone I'm remotely interested in seeing again, so it adds another element for me. 

I can't see why he'd like me, or want to see me again, I'm chubby and outspoken and probably a bit bloody annoying if I'm honest, another element to this is that Bumble shows where you are in real time, so I can see he's checked into it when he's been in the places that he's told me he's been (they match up) 

There is no reason for him not to use it, we have had two dates but it doesn't help my anxiety and I actually wish they'd can the feature if I'm honest. 

I was going out Saturday night anyway, into the village with the Ex Best Friend so at least that would be a good distraction for me. 

I decided to take my gorgeous Louis Vuitton purse out that was gifted to me when my friends Mum died, knowing that I could put my phone into it and only get it out at times when I wanted to check it, rather than it being on the table (I rarely have a bag unless I'm in a dress) 

I didn't know the night out was going to be her, me, her boyfriend and his friend (who I've known for 10 years and has tried to get in my knickers a few times in that time, however I've not seen him for around two) to make it clear at this point he has a long term partner of 20 odd years, although they have apparently been broken up for some of that time - it never had been an option for me and even without that never would be, with that in mind I wouldn't touch him anyway though. 

I met her and she said they'd be coming along shortly and I was, if I'm honest a bit disappointed but it is what it is, they joined us later and the guy gave me a big hug and said how pleased he was to see me, we then spent the rest of the evening with them but I ran into a few people that I'd not seen in ages, which was lovely, it was a good evening, while The Pilot stayed in my mind, he didn't dominate it. 

At the end of the night we walked home, the four of us. On the way home we walked past XBFX which was a bit awkward, I didn't even see him until we'd gone past but turned around and said Hi, at that point her boyfriend called him the Geek, I thought this was unfair and said that if either of them were geeks it was him as he works in IT - we had what I think was a light hearted argument where I told him that XBFX was a decent guy and he shouldn't be a knob, I hope we're still friends! 

The friend said he'd walk me home and I told him not to be stupid, I was literally round the corner but he insisted, he works for a builder and said he'd like to see the house, he'd looked at the friends houses for snagging, so I made a cup of tea and we chatted, in general about the friends and how happy they look together (she is seriously all over him, it's quite shocking to what I'm used to) etc, he asked for a tour of the house (yes, I know I've been here before but I assure you the tour from my point of view was just about the structure) he brought some useful things up as we walked around, missed most of the things I'd noticed but said he thinks its a pretty good build. 

We talked about the shower tray which had just started to be a bit wobbly, I got in to demonstrate and then he got in too (it's a big, walk in, so we still weren't that close) he thinks it's not properly packed out but at that point decided that It would be a good idea to try to kiss me, I pushed him away and then he tried again, to which I pushed more firmly and said that wasn't an option, we went downstairs, finished tea and I told him that it was time to go home as I was tired. 

He gave me a hug as he left, apologised for the kiss but said that he just had to try. 

I put the cups in the sink and went up to bed, clothes off, toothbrush in my mouth and I hear the doorbell, the beauty of this is that I have Ring, so I checked on the cameras and it was him, I did what seemed like the most sensible option and turned off the lights so that it looked like I was asleep, he kept ringing, I kept getting ready for bed. 

He then Facebook messaged me, saying he'd lost his keys and were they at mine, at this point I went down to check (in darkness) if his keys were at mine I wanted to ensure that he had them, surprise, surprise the keys weren't there, so I messaged him saying that the keys weren't there and that I was in bed and can't hear the doorbell there. He still tried the doorbell a couple of times after but I wasn't answering the door.

He messaged the next day saying how nice it was to see me, that he'd had to walk to meet his daughter and had found the keys in his pocket, sounds suspicious if you ask me. I've only remembered today that he used to do this in my old place, leave and then try to get me to answer the door to come back it, it didn't work then, not sure why he thought it would now. 

I messaged XBFX saying I hadn't seen him until he had walked past - he's not responded, so I'm assuming that I'm in the dog house there too.

The Pilot send his Morning message as usual yesterday and then messaged from the services on the way home and when he arrived, we spoke for most of the evening. 

We still don't have a third date set as yet but it has been mentioned a few times, so we'll see if it happens, I might actually ask what he's doing this week. 

I've swapped more photos with him than I ever have (nothing with body parts, maybe a little suggestive but that's it, I have a strict rule of they don't see anything in photos that they haven't seen in person) 

I think he tried to test the water a little over the weekend, saying that he'd had to retake a shot as showed a little too much in it, I reiterated that if I see his cock it needs to be in person, he's very sexual but remains respectful at the same time which I think is good. 

We talked previous partners last time, he said he's had three four year relationships, the last one lived with him and they are still very good friends, I asked why they had split up and added that he didn't have to tell me if he didn't want to, he said that he's happy to answer questions as we find out about each other and that they had been little more than friends in the end. 

Last night's messaging was particularly flirty, I said I was disappointed that he's not in his Captains uniform today for work and he sent through a Morning photo today of him in his shirt and tie. 

And that's currently where we are with The Pilot, I really do have that 'this could be something' stashed away with 'but he's obviously got a girlfriend stashed away or is dating 10 other people and that he does continue to use Bumble (I know this is allowed and he's doing nothing wrong) but I definitely have no interest in anyone else at the moment. 

I've popped a hairband around my wrist today, to see if I can stop myself overthinking a bit. 

I'm going out tonight, my gorgeous goddaughter got amazing GCSE results last week so I'm taking her out to celebrate, I won't be interrupting our evening with the phone, so if he and I talk tonight it will be later on. 

Going on dates with men where you know you aren't interested within 30 seconds of meeting them is a LOT easier! 

The Pilot..............

The Pilot and I matched early on in the year but lost touch just before the world started turning mad, I remember thinking it was a shame at the time, the conversation had been good and he ticks a lot of my boxes but there you go.

We matched on Bumble again two weeks ago, I said 'We must stop matching like this' and he replied saying 'it's obviously meant to be' we've kept up a good level of conversation since, switching over to Whatsapp just before this weekend and then asked me if I had any free evenings this week, so we planned to meet up on Tuesday. 

I can't remember when I felt this nervous about going on a date, maybe four years ago with Cunt Face? So we all know a fall is coming don't we? Even before meeting he did seem too good to be true. 

He's 38 which is pretty age appropriate for me, I do like them younger but sometimes I veer on the side of 'young' I suppose (as in early 30's not 19) but if I could pick an age I'd pick early 30's/late 40's. 

He's 6'4 and I do love a tall guy, I like to be able to wear heels and them to still be significantly taller than me, if I was to pick a perfect height for me it would be 6'2 but who's going to complain about an extra couple of inches?! 😉

From the title of this post you'll know what job he does, he's career minded and driven which I find attractive.

He's consistent with his messaging, I find that really attractive, I can live with someone that gets in touch sporadically (like EBFX) but it's not something I enjoy, I guess with EBFX I'm used to it now but I hate lack of communication. This morning The Pilot sent me a photo in his flying suit (in exchange for one of me in my dress for work) and then messaged saying he was just heading towards the Aircraft which meant I'd not hear from him for a couple of hours. He messaged Monday saying that he needs to find somewhere for us to meet tomorrow, so there is no is it happen, isn't it happening; although he is on standby so it could be cancelled at the last minute but I'm prepared for that as he's already pre warned me. 

His consistent conversation is good, enough flirtation to think he'd not fuck around when it comes to erm fucking around but not enough for being too pushy or dick pics, he's good with compliments without being sickly. 

He's got his own house, it's nice to find someone that doesn't live with their parents or house share, so that's a plus. 

He's about an hours drive away, which isn't the end of the world but he's already said that when he's on standby he has 90 minutes to get to work and that as long as he had his uniform with him being at mine wouldn't be an issue - again it's nice that he's thought about that. 

He's offered to come to a pub a couple of miles from my house, most would (and nothing wrong with it) want to meet in the middle.

He is very attractive; dark haired, blue eyed, of course being attractive and saying he's a Pilot I've checked him out on LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, all of the info checks out, he sends ad hoc photos if  I ask for them, so it seems legit (who'd have thought you'd need to go to that much effort to check someone out?!) 

He messaged yesterday saying he was excited and I was too although also quite nervous, it's nice to not spend the day wondering whether it's going to happen or not. I've met people in the past that I've spoken with and it's sounded like it's going to be a great match and it's not been once we were there so that's always a concern. 

 

I was getting ready to go out when I managed to smash a plant pot in the kitchen (honestly?!) then I came down and realised that my car keys weren't where they should be, I searched all the places I could think of but they weren't there, so I dived in the drawer and got my spares out, hoping that they worked as I'd never tried them, went out to the car, all good so came back and sorted my other bits out, while telling myself to calm down and I can stress over pots and keys later!

I messaged when I got to the pub, he said he'd got us a table in the garden and off I went, thankfully I recognised him straight away, he looks just like his photos, smiley, very tall, he stood as I got to the table and gave me a hug and a kiss before offering me a drink. 

I told him about the plant pot and keys and he said that with all that I'd got there on time and we swapped losing key stories. 

The conversation flowed all evening, we met at 7:30 but he was on call until 8 so I had a Rose Spritzer while he had a coke and we swapped over later on once he could have a drink, I could only have the one as I was driving.

He walked me back to my car and gave me a hug and friendly, end of first date kiss, he's a good talker, there were no awkward silences, which is always good, difficult to know on chemistry I think, until you kiss (properly) but all signs were good. 

I always think that if they don't message that day to ask if you got home ok it's not a great sign and for the second time this year (and not many times in total) I was a bit nervous about whether that would happen or not. I do think that dates are a bit like interviews, unless I don't want the job (Which is more often than not) I walk away having absolutely no idea about what they thought of me. 

Within an 45 minutes I got a message so I didn't have to wait for long, he talked about 'next time' and we both said we'd like to see each other again

He messaged me Good Morning first thing, we appear to have a lot in common, so with all that in mind, the real question is; what's the catch? I mean there has to be one, or a million, so far the only thing that raised spidey senses was seeing on Bumble that he'd been online at the pub (location change) but there is nothing wrong with that (I mean I'd rather he didn't but it's not like I've not done it myself and you have to keep your options open these days) it's also not like there isn't a XBFX and J in the background either is it...............

He's messaged saying he's heading up North tomorrow to see his brother and some friends and as he'll be passing within a few miles and said he could pop in for a cup of tea if I fancied but no worries if I'm busy as it's within work time, I've quite surprisingly said yes, I'd not normally have someone here after a first date but it's just a cup of tea and famous last words, he doesn't seem like a murderer!!

So, thats The Pilot who appears too perfect to be true, so do we think he has a wife and six girlfriends stashed? Or he's a serial shagger? It's got to be something right? I'm really trying not to overthink it but I'm really rubbish at that! I'm sure we'll find out. 

Cunt Face has made dating difficult for me, I can't help meeting someone where I think there might be something there without thinking back to the chemistry I felt with him and the web of lies he pulled me into, honestly what a fucker! 

J - Second Date..............

Not long after the date I asked J what he was looking for, he said casual dating and it put me right off, despite the connection we'd had, I don't want to get married on a second date but neither do I want to go into something that's going nowhere from the outset. 

I've done this before, gone in casual and then they've wanted more but my walls were up so high that I'd not let them get emotionally close, I think with casual there is usually a loser, a bit like Knight really, I don't think FWB can work on many occasions and I genuinely think that was a one off. 

We met a bit last minute (J is always last minute which I'm not great with) on a sunny Sunday evening for a walk in a park, about half an hour from my house. 

He really is lovely, there is definitely some chemistry there but he's a bit too keen to get in my knickers and that does put me off a bit, while I wouldn't want to be six months in and no sex like cat lover I also don't want to rush into something so that bothers me a bit. 

He hugged me when I got there and then went in for a snog not that long after, it was nice but I could smell smoke, I didn't know he was a smoker but I did have my suspicions from the first date, smoking for me is a deal breaker, so that's an issue. 

I said he came across as a bit too keen to get in my knickers, he said it was just because he really liked me and he's not usually like that (yeah, yeah, of course you aren't) and that if he was just interested in getting into knickers he'd have found someone else by now (that could be true, I've done a fair job of putting him off) 

He kept half joking about coming back to mine and I was sticking with that being a no, I don't want to go head first into something I'm not sure about. 

His communication isn't daily, it's probably a couple of times a week, I'm used to it now though so I'm ok with that. 

I do kind of like that he's so upfront and there is no fucking around with him, he tells me how much he likes me all the time but do I just fit the parameters of his older woman fantasy?

I could go with it and see how it goes, if I do need to get back on the horse maybe that's a way to do it? I'm just not sure I'm wired for casual?

Did I miss the boat for getting back on the horse?

It's been a LONG time since I've had sex, I'm pretty sure it's over five years now, the last person I slept with was Knight in Shining Leathers, it was the night that I realised that my feelings had changed from something that ranged between friendship and more to just friendship. It was disappointing (not the sex, that was always good) 

I have seen him twice this year though and have to say that I doubted that decision when he nearly kissed me the first time but the second time I knew it was the right decision (wine might have been involved on the first occasion!)

Since him the only person I've really dated to the point of sex is Cat Lover and he had some real issues, he was never able to get and/or keep an erection, which in turn made me feel like I was a terrible person and I couldn't do anything right and wasn't attractive enough for him to get excited over, not good enough for him, I know you shouldn't feel that but it doesn't mean you don't. 

It caused a lot of turmoil in the six months that we were together, I should have really called it a day but we'd already been together for a few months before anything sexual was initiated (I know, I know I should have guessed there was something up) 

It wasn't until we split up that I broached the subject and he said that the problem wasn't only with me, it had happened before, why the bloody hell didn't he tell me that? I wish he'd told me. 

I remember discussing it with a male friend after who said that I shouldn't get wound up about it, by the end of our relationship I'd put off any signs of trying as I just couldn't face the feeling of rejection when it didn't happen (it never happened successfully)

We went away one weekend to a stunning hotel, we were in the honeymoon suite for the weekend, I was nearly in tears at breakfast because I was so upset about what was happening, all of the way home I was going to tell him it wasn't working but the words just wouldn't come out. My friends that knew told me to bin it, it was his issue, not mine but I don't think that stops you beating yourself up over it. 

I know it was no one's fault but I think I could have been saved a lot of anxiety if he'd told me, maybe after the first time?

We're now two years later and all I've done is a few first dates and one second, I'm not totally convinced I'm not too scared to get involved with anyone because the thought of getting sexually involved with someone terrifies me currently and it's taken me a while to realise that could be an issue.

We've also got the XBFX - we've got to not far off sex but it's still not happened (yet?) I wind myself up with anxiety over it, what if it doesn't work, what if it is me? What if I can't remember what to do? Am I past relationships and sex? Have I been on my own for too long?

Should I have slept with someone as soon as Cat Lover and I split? If I got bitten by a dog I'd still stroke another dog and when I've come off a horse I've made myself get back on, they say if you don't you never will.......

I'm now wondering if it's why I've done such a good job of putting off dating? Relationships are always better in my head than they are in reality. 

I'm an amazing over thinker............

Another socially distanced date.............

My last post was about the EBFX, it didn't take long for the story to be continued, he messaged on the Friday asking what I was up to on Saturday and I was free (I mean although lockdown is pretty much over, life isn't as normal so I'm free a lot more than usual!)

His messages had that different tone to them again, a bit more flirty than normal, he came in the more confident version, unlike last time when I was at his.

I was showing him something on my phone so sat next to him, he put his arm around me and when I finished showing him the map I moved away, he said 'is that it then?' I was getting my drink but moved back and we chatted while he cuddled me, he kissed me and it went a bit further this time, not as far as sex though.

That was just over a week ago.

It's a bizarre old situation......

J has been in touch quite regularly, he wants to meet up again but keeps saying about coming over, I'm nervous that he's more keen at getting in my knickers than he is at getting to know me, I'm tempted, there was definitely some chemistry there and that's rare.....

On that note I doubled the amounts of dates I went on in 2019 last week, I've had TWO first dates and it's only July (my one in 2019 was December) We matched in January and spoke for a little while before losing touch a bit and then he messaged me on Instagram as we'd followed each other.

I was off for the week as it was my birthday (why have a day if you can have a week) so we arranged to go for a walk, I'd been out for lunch with a friend first, as soon as he got out of the car I knew he wasn't for me, he kind of looked like his photos but they were obviously a while ago, he was a fair big larger in real life than he is in the pictures, including in his face.

He was nice enough, a little shy (what is it with me and shy boys at the moment?) he also lives with his Mum, he's 40. He's just been made redundant which I know is difficult at the best of times but especially at the moment.

I know that people do live at home or move back for short periods for good reason but he's been there for years and I just couldn't really see myself with someone like that, I knew from the minute we met that there was nothing there, we spent about an hour walking round the reservoir, he's messaged since, I'm hoping he felt the same as I did!

So, that's my little round up...........

The Ex Best Friends Ex.............

The Ex Best Friend and I shared a lot in common, including our birthday, although she is five years older than me, we met on a night out, she suggested swapping numbers and we were best friends through a lot, then I stopped making the effort because it felt like it had got one sided when she got a new boyfriend and it confirmed that it was the case, the last real conversations we had were in late 2016.

She had a long term boyfriend when we first met, they rarely went out together but I can remember walking into the pub to meet her one night and thinking the guy at the bar was quite good looking, tall, dark haired, my type, she then introduced me to her boyfriend...... you guessed it!

He came out with us on probably a handful of occasions over the years, birthdays, Christmas etc and we saw each other when I went to the house.

We were all going out for New Year and I was seeing Blue Eyes at the time, who she'd introduced me to. I was having a rubbish time with neighbours being absolute arseholes and I was nervous to be on my own that Blue Eyes had not far off moved in, which worked out great for him but I wasn't as involved as he was.

As I was getting ready to go to the party that night I discovered they'd put a brick through my car window and I was an absolute wreck, I really wanted to go though and I didn't want to let the people I was going with down.

We arrived at the local club to find that the neighbours were there, which meant that I was on edge the whole time, Blue Eyes got drunk and decided he was going to fight the neighbours which made me quite angry, as I tried to explain, it was ok him causing trouble but it was me that would pay for the repercussions, already I was scared to be in the flat on my own and scared to leave as all I did whether I was there or not was worry about what they'd do, I'd also sent the cats to live with my family for a few weeks to see if it would die down as I was terrified something would happen to them.

This turned into a big argument and he stormed off on the way home, to have a go at the neighbours who had also left, by the way he likely couldn't have fought his way out of a paper bag, so even if he'd confronted them it would have been pretty useless!

He stormed off, the Ex Best Friend went after him to try to talk some sense into him and told her (now) ex to take me back to theirs.

He walked me back and told me that Blue Eyes was no good for me, I knew this already and even when we'd started seeing each other I told him that I wasn't looking for anything serious. Just as we got to the front door he said 'you should have had me' which I was a little taken aback by if I'm honest, we went in, got drinks and the comment was never mentioned again (in fact I'd completely forgotten about it until a couple of months ago) everyone arrived back, including Blue Eyes and we continued drinking despite Blue Eyes being blatantly in the dog house (EBF's now boyfriend was also with us)

I finished things with Blue Eyes shortly after, it was going nowhere and I needed to finish it before he got more involved.

The Ex Best Friend (EBF and formerly Evil Twin on here) and I saw each other at least weekly but it was quite rare that there were just the two of us, more often than not it was us two and a group of the guys, we used to do messy Sunday weekly and more often than not meet up in the week too.

EBF often joked about how much better suited the (now) Ex and I would be, as she said we had a lot more in common, I always used to wonder about the references as they were happy and appeared to get on, even though lot of the time they did both do their own things.

Around five years ago she told me she was moving out and asked me to go and look at a house with her, all I knew before that was that things weren't amazing but I was fairly surprised, they were really amicable about it and he helped her move out, it was an easy split as the house was his anyway.

Time moved on and a few months later she told me she was seeing one of the guys that we regularly spent time with, at this point I should probably tell you that his wife had finished it a few months before and moved out of their house.

I asked some questions at this point and discovered something that I found quite shocking, it had been going on for YEARS, while they were both with partners and I always had an inkling she liked him but would have never guessed that something had been going on that long.

The year before she'd been 40 and I'd turned 35, she was adamant that she was going away on her own for 'our' birthday and I was a little put out by it, as was EBFX. I also thought it was really strange, two nights in a hotel, on your birthday, just up the road, on your own. Well she wasn't on her own was she, it all came out. I'd always thought it was strange that she was quick to judge the wife for moaning when I thought (and voiced to him!) that she was justified.

During this time he was a bit of a dick, wanted her, didn't want her, didn't know what he wanted and she was hurt, we were out one night and a new guy to the village came over and started chatting, she went home and slept with him because she was feeling a bit unloved and unwanted.

Then things started to get messy, she was between the two, it's a small village, she didn't want them to meet, let alone talk and I guess I was the shield between them, it wasn't long after this that I started to realise our friendship was a little one way and backed away, as I backed away she didn't come forward.

Another friend works where she does and regularly tells me what she's up to, says she always asked about me and due to that I'm careful what I tell her, I've heard a few times during that time that they've broken up and got back together, I know when we were still friends that she was annoyed after the lease ended in her flat that he said no to her moving in.

I moved last summer, into my dream house and she'd obviously been told by the mutual friend, she sent me a text the day I moved saying she was happy for me and good luck, I responded and said thank you.

A few weeks later I got a friend request from EBFX who I'd not spoken to since before they split (about four years) I accepted and sent a 'how are you' pm, he responded and we had a bit of a catch up, he said we should meet for a drink, I'd not long moved and said I didn't really want to go out but he was welcome to pop up, he said he'd message me the next day and I didn't really expect to hear anything else.

On the Sunday I got a message saying he'd be up in half hour if that was ok, it was a lovely weekend and we sat out in the garden with a drink and caught up on the last four years, he said he was selling the cottage and looking at a new build, one was where I am and one on the site next door, TBF's daughter lives on the next road to me with her bf and was telling me that he still sees her occasionally, they keep in touch which I thought was nice, he did say that TBF's bf doesn't like her seeing him so they just say hi now if they bump into each other as he doesn't want to cause issues.

We chatted about dating, that neither of us meets anyone with any spark and that we're both useless cases and too fussy, we both said if we don't feel a connection we're out before we've ordered a drink!

As he left he gave me a hug and said that he'd have to get me actually out of the house one night for a drink.

We speak by message intermittently, he finally managed to sell the cottage and buy the house he wanted, I got a message one weekend asking if I'd go and help him choose flooring, which I did.

When he moved in he had a bit of time between completing on the house he'd sold and the new one so he used one of my spare rooms for storage for a month or so.

We continued to speak weekly or so and every so often he'd message and pop up for a drink or invite me over, we'd chat about all sorts, work, dating etc, he'd give me a hug and leave and I never really thought much of it.

We joked about TBF seeing him coming out of my house, it happened one day while he was moving out.

I knew she was moving (onto my road believe it or not) but I didn't want to send her a text and open up dialogue again, I knew which house it was, worked out the door number and sent her and the new boyfriend a new home card - that'd be it I thought.

That was the Friday before lockdown, that same day EBFX had messaged saying he'd had a crap week and did I fancy a bottle of wine, I was stressed out too and said yes, I'd love one.

His tone changed a bit that day, he was talking naked twister and we both laughed about it, when he arrived he seemed different in his manner, he also mentioned he'd not been able to get hold of naked twister but we could make it up as we went along.

The alcohol went down fast and we were a little merry.

We chatted as usual about dating and all sorts, he always says that we're both too fussy, which is why neither of us has found anyone, I'm not totally convinced he isn't right.

I can't really remember how it happened but he kissed me, which developed a little, I made it clear that he wasn't staying, which I think he was a little disappointed about, the thing is when he kissed me it wasn't great, I didn't feel anything, I certainly didn't feel I wanted to drag him into my bed but it's quite rare I meet someone that does make me feel like that.

The next day EBF messaged me thanking me for her card and saying that we should catch up at some point, I felt all the guilt in the world, I'd kissed her ex the night before.

A few weeks passed, EBFX was in touch intermittently, nothing about that Friday night, we'd gone into lockdown the Monday after so we couldn't see each other but there were no signs of him initiating anything else.

Time went on, I spoke with both EBF and EBFX and then lockdown rules relaxed a bit and EBF came to look at something at mine after we'd bumped into each other, it was awkward, we were like strangers, instead of the two people that had been so close.

During the lockdown I dropped off some baking a couple of times to EBFX and we chatted at the door.

Facebook had released a new 'care' emoji and as much as some people seem to love lockdown I'm feeling pretty affection starved, I'd seen or touched no one in what felt like forever but was likely about 10 weeks (since the kiss)

Shortly after posting that, this arrived....................

I put it off for a couple of weeks and then he came over for the evening, we talked about EBF and me seeing her, he said we'd be best friends again soon, which I didn't think would be the case. 

He went to leave and said 'I'd better give you that hug' which he did and that was that, totally different to the last time.

So, that was that, EBF and I saw each other again, over a couple of drinks this time, it was much more relaxed than it had been before and definitely had a feeling of how things used to be, I'm keen that we don't become best mates again as I don't like allowing myself to get bitten twice in a row but it's hard when we used to get on so well. 

He came over again a couple of weeks later and we had a couple of drinks, he asked if I was going to give him a cuddle and I did, he kissed me and it felt different to last time, I did feel something, it wasn't fireworks but definitely something. It escalated a little but not massively. 

We speak by message intermittently in between times, he's not much of a talker by message though so it is limited. 

It wouldn't be me if it weren't complicated and most people would think that their ex best friends ex would be complicated enough but not for me, EBFX works with someone that's an important part of this blog................................................ Knight in Shining Leathers. 

A couple of weeks ago I got a message from Knight, telling me that he had something he wanted to show me and could he come up, it was a nice evening and we had a cup of tea (and his much loved hobnobs that I usually have a packet of in the cupboard for him) in the garden as he showed me his new (vintage) bike, I'm pleased that I'm still the first person he comes to when something exciting or upsetting is happening to him. 

I have always loved him in leathers, so I did wonder if it would give me that feeling that I'd had for so many years when we were doing the FWB thing, he took his helmet off revealing his long, unkempt lockdown helmet hair that looked much more grey that last time I saw it and I felt nothing but friendship still, so that's positive right? 

I was doing lots of baking (mainly to stop me from drinking with work being so stressful) and XBFX had doorstep deliveries a couple of times, he suggested that next time I was bored I might like to make chocolate brownies that are his favourite, so next time I fancied baking I did. 

He was meant to come over on the Saturday to collect them but he cancelled as he wasn't feeling well, I was a bit disappointed as I was looking forward to seeing him and baking takes effort, he messaged the next day asking if I was around for him to collect the brownies, I said I was but only for an hour so he popped in, he had a migraine and to be fair he looked rough. 

He made a comment when he was here about us always drinking, I'm not totally sure that he doesn't think I'm always drunk when something happens and that's the reason - it isn't but we all know that a drink gives us a bit of courage!

He came over, was here for an hour and then left before I went out, we had general chat but I made sure I mentioned that Knight had popped up, if it came up I didn't want him to think I was trying to hide anything (although I don't think he knows that we haven't always just been friends but we are now and anything else is in the past)  

As he left he said 'Come and give me a hug then' I hugged him and he kissed me, more than a friendly kiss but less than anything else and off he went. 

Then we were due to see each other again (I did offer tea but he said he doesn't drink it!) and he cancelled again, I was a bit pissed to be honest - he said he 'had stuff to sort' 

My heads been quite confused during this time, I don't know if I want anymore from this, I don't know if he does, I don't know if we're just friends but the lines have definitely been blurred. 

EBF and I have got closer and she has been in my thoughts a lot, whether she'd feel betrayed if she knew we are friends, how she'd feel about it, what if she bumps into him coming or going from here and I do feel totally torn between them, I like them both. 

I decided that I was going to tell her we're friends, I mean currently that's all we are, she came round on one of the heatwave evenings, sat in my pool drinking vodka, it was nice but it was definitely playing on my mind and then she gave me an opening, as soon as I saw the opportunity I went in and took it. 

She was talking about the new housing estate and mentioned the houses looking really small, I casually said 'EBFX bought one of those and its huge' she said she knew he had (he still sees her daughter) which opened up the dialogue, I then told her we see each other, he'd done a couple of bits around the house for me etc, she said they'd still be friends if it weren't for her boyfriend being so jealous about it. 

I also said that for my birthday I'm having two friends staying but for 3-4 local friends I'd be inviting them for a drop in across the evening, so there is a chance they'll run into each other, she said she was totally fine with it, so..... that's all out in the open - I only have a couple of really close friends that know anything outside of the friendship bit so it's no different here (ok, well maybe a little) 

Then a couple of weeks after that we said we'd get together on the Saturday, I said I'd go to his as I've not been there since December and he's been here a fair bit, after the last two occasions I was half expecting him to cancel and if he did it was last chance saloon, he messaged asking what time I was going over.

I'd gone through lots of scenarios in my head of what 'stuff to sort' could be and was expecting it to be something really trivial that would annoy me or that he'd met someone, it wasn't either, it's some quite serious work stuff that's really playing on his mind and I totally understood why he'd cancelled, so all was forgiven.

We chatted for the evening, from separate sides of the sofa (he has a much bigger sofa than I do!) it started hammering with rain, he said that I could stay if I wanted and he'd drop me off in the morning (I live a five minute walk away) I said I'd be fine, it's only water, he offered to drive me home, again I said I'd be fine. 

I could have stayed but I didn't want to stay because it was raining, if I stayed I wanted it to be because that's what we both wanted. 

We said goodbye and I gave him a hug, he kissed me but properly kissed me and I left. 

I messaged him when I got home, saying I'd got soaked, he said that he'd offered to bring me home. I said I kinda felt like we are tiptoeing around each other a bit and I don't really know why, he said he knows what I mean and that is currently where we are.................

Socially Distanced Dating...........................

This week I had my first and (with how many dates I have in an average year) likely last date of 2020.

J and I have been talking for quite some time on and off, for what he thinks is about a year.

We just kept matching, on every site I tried, occasionally I get bored with them and have a restart, as soon as I did we'd match again, we'd always chat, it was so long ago I can't really remember why it didn't get any further (I'll investigate this next time we talk) but every time we matched it then became a 'hello stranger', 'here we are again', 'why haven't we met?'

Late last year we matched again and he asked for my number, so we spoke via Whatsapp and talked about arranging a date, however I was ill, this went on for about 8-9 weeks and involved antibiotics, hospital appointments etc and I was concerned about being contagious so I kept saying no (I also felt pretty crappy and my skin looked awful as it was reacting to antibiotics that I'm allergic to)

Then in December I was feeling better, so we arranged a date. On the day he messaged saying he wasn't feeling great but was still happy to meet, I said that since I was not long recovered myself I didn't want to risk it (my friends Mum was also dying and I didn't want to not be able to see her, which would be the case if I was ill) so we put it off and then with everything going on couldn't reschedule.

We've been in contact on and off, usually at least monthly but to be honest there is little to say during lockdown; 'so what have you been up to?' 'Well, I've been locked up in my house, the same as you' dating has been off the menu really.

Last week he popped up and suggested meeting now that we could have a socially distanced walk.

Now I didn't say yes straight away as the Ex Best Friends Ex (EBFX) and I have been getting closer over the last few months (he needs his own post too) but I really don't know where we are so I don't really want to put things on hold until I do. He kissed me again on Saturday but not until I was leaving and also of all the dates I've had in my 10 years of singledom not many have had me wanting a second, so it seemed a pretty safe bet that it wouldn't be an issue.

After a couple of dates laming at the last moment I tend to think that the date is off, unless I hear from them on the day but he checked in yesterday and suggested a place and I headed over, as I was trying to find a parking space I saw him walking up the road, I recognised him straight away, which is always a good sign!

As we met he said he'd normally give me a hug but obviously can't at the moment, the Corona Ice Breaker hey?!

The conversation flowed, we had no awkward silences and we seemed to get on well. We walked round the woods pretty quickly and decided to continue to walk round the village, we were admiring the gorgeous Cotswold houses and then ended up at an estate agents so had a look at prices, he suggested that the date must be going really well as we were looking at houses already!

We said goodbye and I actually walked away thinking I'd be a little upset if I didn't hear from him following the date, which doesn't happy to me very often.

I headed back and did a few jobs on the way, by the time I arrived home I had three messages in a row, I hate the post date game playing and it was quite refreshing to think that he might not be into it either.

He suggested that we see each other again on Friday, I can't as I have a friend over for the weekend but we've settled on next week, I did say with our history that we should probably leave it until next year but he wasn't keen! 

This has been going on for so long I couldn't remember how old his is, I thought he was mid 30's but I think he's 31 so he's 10 years younger than me, ideally I'd prefer a bit older but I can't go back in time and make him be born earlier, so it is, what it is. 

I'm quite smiley today, which is always a good sign for me and feels pretty rare, also; for once he was actually better than his photos. 

To be continued..................?