J - Second Date..............

Not long after the date I asked J what he was looking for, he said casual dating and it put me right off, despite the connection we'd had, I don't want to get married on a second date but neither do I want to go into something that's going nowhere from the outset. 

I've done this before, gone in casual and then they've wanted more but my walls were up so high that I'd not let them get emotionally close, I think with casual there is usually a loser, a bit like Knight really, I don't think FWB can work on many occasions and I genuinely think that was a one off. 

We met a bit last minute (J is always last minute which I'm not great with) on a sunny Sunday evening for a walk in a park, about half an hour from my house. 

He really is lovely, there is definitely some chemistry there but he's a bit too keen to get in my knickers and that does put me off a bit, while I wouldn't want to be six months in and no sex like cat lover I also don't want to rush into something so that bothers me a bit. 

He hugged me when I got there and then went in for a snog not that long after, it was nice but I could smell smoke, I didn't know he was a smoker but I did have my suspicions from the first date, smoking for me is a deal breaker, so that's an issue. 

I said he came across as a bit too keen to get in my knickers, he said it was just because he really liked me and he's not usually like that (yeah, yeah, of course you aren't) and that if he was just interested in getting into knickers he'd have found someone else by now (that could be true, I've done a fair job of putting him off) 

He kept half joking about coming back to mine and I was sticking with that being a no, I don't want to go head first into something I'm not sure about. 

His communication isn't daily, it's probably a couple of times a week, I'm used to it now though so I'm ok with that. 

I do kind of like that he's so upfront and there is no fucking around with him, he tells me how much he likes me all the time but do I just fit the parameters of his older woman fantasy?

I could go with it and see how it goes, if I do need to get back on the horse maybe that's a way to do it? I'm just not sure I'm wired for casual?

Did I miss the boat for getting back on the horse?

It's been a LONG time since I've had sex, I'm pretty sure it's over five years now, the last person I slept with was Knight in Shining Leathers, it was the night that I realised that my feelings had changed from something that ranged between friendship and more to just friendship. It was disappointing (not the sex, that was always good) 

I have seen him twice this year though and have to say that I doubted that decision when he nearly kissed me the first time but the second time I knew it was the right decision (wine might have been involved on the first occasion!)

Since him the only person I've really dated to the point of sex is Cat Lover and he had some real issues, he was never able to get and/or keep an erection, which in turn made me feel like I was a terrible person and I couldn't do anything right and wasn't attractive enough for him to get excited over, not good enough for him, I know you shouldn't feel that but it doesn't mean you don't. 

It caused a lot of turmoil in the six months that we were together, I should have really called it a day but we'd already been together for a few months before anything sexual was initiated (I know, I know I should have guessed there was something up) 

It wasn't until we split up that I broached the subject and he said that the problem wasn't only with me, it had happened before, why the bloody hell didn't he tell me that? I wish he'd told me. 

I remember discussing it with a male friend after who said that I shouldn't get wound up about it, by the end of our relationship I'd put off any signs of trying as I just couldn't face the feeling of rejection when it didn't happen (it never happened successfully)

We went away one weekend to a stunning hotel, we were in the honeymoon suite for the weekend, I was nearly in tears at breakfast because I was so upset about what was happening, all of the way home I was going to tell him it wasn't working but the words just wouldn't come out. My friends that knew told me to bin it, it was his issue, not mine but I don't think that stops you beating yourself up over it. 

I know it was no one's fault but I think I could have been saved a lot of anxiety if he'd told me, maybe after the first time?

We're now two years later and all I've done is a few first dates and one second, I'm not totally convinced I'm not too scared to get involved with anyone because the thought of getting sexually involved with someone terrifies me currently and it's taken me a while to realise that could be an issue.

We've also got the XBFX - we've got to not far off sex but it's still not happened (yet?) I wind myself up with anxiety over it, what if it doesn't work, what if it is me? What if I can't remember what to do? Am I past relationships and sex? Have I been on my own for too long?

Should I have slept with someone as soon as Cat Lover and I split? If I got bitten by a dog I'd still stroke another dog and when I've come off a horse I've made myself get back on, they say if you don't you never will.......

I'm now wondering if it's why I've done such a good job of putting off dating? Relationships are always better in my head than they are in reality. 

I'm an amazing over thinker............

The Ex Best Friends Ex.............

The Ex Best Friend and I shared a lot in common, including our birthday, although she is five years older than me, we met on a night out, she suggested swapping numbers and we were best friends through a lot, then I stopped making the effort because it felt like it had got one sided when she got a new boyfriend and it confirmed that it was the case, the last real conversations we had were in late 2016.

She had a long term boyfriend when we first met, they rarely went out together but I can remember walking into the pub to meet her one night and thinking the guy at the bar was quite good looking, tall, dark haired, my type, she then introduced me to her boyfriend...... you guessed it!

He came out with us on probably a handful of occasions over the years, birthdays, Christmas etc and we saw each other when I went to the house.

We were all going out for New Year and I was seeing Blue Eyes at the time, who she'd introduced me to. I was having a rubbish time with neighbours being absolute arseholes and I was nervous to be on my own that Blue Eyes had not far off moved in, which worked out great for him but I wasn't as involved as he was.

As I was getting ready to go to the party that night I discovered they'd put a brick through my car window and I was an absolute wreck, I really wanted to go though and I didn't want to let the people I was going with down.

We arrived at the local club to find that the neighbours were there, which meant that I was on edge the whole time, Blue Eyes got drunk and decided he was going to fight the neighbours which made me quite angry, as I tried to explain, it was ok him causing trouble but it was me that would pay for the repercussions, already I was scared to be in the flat on my own and scared to leave as all I did whether I was there or not was worry about what they'd do, I'd also sent the cats to live with my family for a few weeks to see if it would die down as I was terrified something would happen to them.

This turned into a big argument and he stormed off on the way home, to have a go at the neighbours who had also left, by the way he likely couldn't have fought his way out of a paper bag, so even if he'd confronted them it would have been pretty useless!

He stormed off, the Ex Best Friend went after him to try to talk some sense into him and told her (now) ex to take me back to theirs.

He walked me back and told me that Blue Eyes was no good for me, I knew this already and even when we'd started seeing each other I told him that I wasn't looking for anything serious. Just as we got to the front door he said 'you should have had me' which I was a little taken aback by if I'm honest, we went in, got drinks and the comment was never mentioned again (in fact I'd completely forgotten about it until a couple of months ago) everyone arrived back, including Blue Eyes and we continued drinking despite Blue Eyes being blatantly in the dog house (EBF's now boyfriend was also with us)

I finished things with Blue Eyes shortly after, it was going nowhere and I needed to finish it before he got more involved.

The Ex Best Friend (EBF and formerly Evil Twin on here) and I saw each other at least weekly but it was quite rare that there were just the two of us, more often than not it was us two and a group of the guys, we used to do messy Sunday weekly and more often than not meet up in the week too.

EBF often joked about how much better suited the (now) Ex and I would be, as she said we had a lot more in common, I always used to wonder about the references as they were happy and appeared to get on, even though lot of the time they did both do their own things.

Around five years ago she told me she was moving out and asked me to go and look at a house with her, all I knew before that was that things weren't amazing but I was fairly surprised, they were really amicable about it and he helped her move out, it was an easy split as the house was his anyway.

Time moved on and a few months later she told me she was seeing one of the guys that we regularly spent time with, at this point I should probably tell you that his wife had finished it a few months before and moved out of their house.

I asked some questions at this point and discovered something that I found quite shocking, it had been going on for YEARS, while they were both with partners and I always had an inkling she liked him but would have never guessed that something had been going on that long.

The year before she'd been 40 and I'd turned 35, she was adamant that she was going away on her own for 'our' birthday and I was a little put out by it, as was EBFX. I also thought it was really strange, two nights in a hotel, on your birthday, just up the road, on your own. Well she wasn't on her own was she, it all came out. I'd always thought it was strange that she was quick to judge the wife for moaning when I thought (and voiced to him!) that she was justified.

During this time he was a bit of a dick, wanted her, didn't want her, didn't know what he wanted and she was hurt, we were out one night and a new guy to the village came over and started chatting, she went home and slept with him because she was feeling a bit unloved and unwanted.

Then things started to get messy, she was between the two, it's a small village, she didn't want them to meet, let alone talk and I guess I was the shield between them, it wasn't long after this that I started to realise our friendship was a little one way and backed away, as I backed away she didn't come forward.

Another friend works where she does and regularly tells me what she's up to, says she always asked about me and due to that I'm careful what I tell her, I've heard a few times during that time that they've broken up and got back together, I know when we were still friends that she was annoyed after the lease ended in her flat that he said no to her moving in.

I moved last summer, into my dream house and she'd obviously been told by the mutual friend, she sent me a text the day I moved saying she was happy for me and good luck, I responded and said thank you.

A few weeks later I got a friend request from EBFX who I'd not spoken to since before they split (about four years) I accepted and sent a 'how are you' pm, he responded and we had a bit of a catch up, he said we should meet for a drink, I'd not long moved and said I didn't really want to go out but he was welcome to pop up, he said he'd message me the next day and I didn't really expect to hear anything else.

On the Sunday I got a message saying he'd be up in half hour if that was ok, it was a lovely weekend and we sat out in the garden with a drink and caught up on the last four years, he said he was selling the cottage and looking at a new build, one was where I am and one on the site next door, TBF's daughter lives on the next road to me with her bf and was telling me that he still sees her occasionally, they keep in touch which I thought was nice, he did say that TBF's bf doesn't like her seeing him so they just say hi now if they bump into each other as he doesn't want to cause issues.

We chatted about dating, that neither of us meets anyone with any spark and that we're both useless cases and too fussy, we both said if we don't feel a connection we're out before we've ordered a drink!

As he left he gave me a hug and said that he'd have to get me actually out of the house one night for a drink.

We speak by message intermittently, he finally managed to sell the cottage and buy the house he wanted, I got a message one weekend asking if I'd go and help him choose flooring, which I did.

When he moved in he had a bit of time between completing on the house he'd sold and the new one so he used one of my spare rooms for storage for a month or so.

We continued to speak weekly or so and every so often he'd message and pop up for a drink or invite me over, we'd chat about all sorts, work, dating etc, he'd give me a hug and leave and I never really thought much of it.

We joked about TBF seeing him coming out of my house, it happened one day while he was moving out.

I knew she was moving (onto my road believe it or not) but I didn't want to send her a text and open up dialogue again, I knew which house it was, worked out the door number and sent her and the new boyfriend a new home card - that'd be it I thought.

That was the Friday before lockdown, that same day EBFX had messaged saying he'd had a crap week and did I fancy a bottle of wine, I was stressed out too and said yes, I'd love one.

His tone changed a bit that day, he was talking naked twister and we both laughed about it, when he arrived he seemed different in his manner, he also mentioned he'd not been able to get hold of naked twister but we could make it up as we went along.

The alcohol went down fast and we were a little merry.

We chatted as usual about dating and all sorts, he always says that we're both too fussy, which is why neither of us has found anyone, I'm not totally convinced he isn't right.

I can't really remember how it happened but he kissed me, which developed a little, I made it clear that he wasn't staying, which I think he was a little disappointed about, the thing is when he kissed me it wasn't great, I didn't feel anything, I certainly didn't feel I wanted to drag him into my bed but it's quite rare I meet someone that does make me feel like that.

The next day EBF messaged me thanking me for her card and saying that we should catch up at some point, I felt all the guilt in the world, I'd kissed her ex the night before.

A few weeks passed, EBFX was in touch intermittently, nothing about that Friday night, we'd gone into lockdown the Monday after so we couldn't see each other but there were no signs of him initiating anything else.

Time went on, I spoke with both EBF and EBFX and then lockdown rules relaxed a bit and EBF came to look at something at mine after we'd bumped into each other, it was awkward, we were like strangers, instead of the two people that had been so close.

During the lockdown I dropped off some baking a couple of times to EBFX and we chatted at the door.

Facebook had released a new 'care' emoji and as much as some people seem to love lockdown I'm feeling pretty affection starved, I'd seen or touched no one in what felt like forever but was likely about 10 weeks (since the kiss)

Shortly after posting that, this arrived....................

I put it off for a couple of weeks and then he came over for the evening, we talked about EBF and me seeing her, he said we'd be best friends again soon, which I didn't think would be the case. 

He went to leave and said 'I'd better give you that hug' which he did and that was that, totally different to the last time.

So, that was that, EBF and I saw each other again, over a couple of drinks this time, it was much more relaxed than it had been before and definitely had a feeling of how things used to be, I'm keen that we don't become best mates again as I don't like allowing myself to get bitten twice in a row but it's hard when we used to get on so well. 

He came over again a couple of weeks later and we had a couple of drinks, he asked if I was going to give him a cuddle and I did, he kissed me and it felt different to last time, I did feel something, it wasn't fireworks but definitely something. It escalated a little but not massively. 

We speak by message intermittently in between times, he's not much of a talker by message though so it is limited. 

It wouldn't be me if it weren't complicated and most people would think that their ex best friends ex would be complicated enough but not for me, EBFX works with someone that's an important part of this blog................................................ Knight in Shining Leathers. 

A couple of weeks ago I got a message from Knight, telling me that he had something he wanted to show me and could he come up, it was a nice evening and we had a cup of tea (and his much loved hobnobs that I usually have a packet of in the cupboard for him) in the garden as he showed me his new (vintage) bike, I'm pleased that I'm still the first person he comes to when something exciting or upsetting is happening to him. 

I have always loved him in leathers, so I did wonder if it would give me that feeling that I'd had for so many years when we were doing the FWB thing, he took his helmet off revealing his long, unkempt lockdown helmet hair that looked much more grey that last time I saw it and I felt nothing but friendship still, so that's positive right? 

I was doing lots of baking (mainly to stop me from drinking with work being so stressful) and XBFX had doorstep deliveries a couple of times, he suggested that next time I was bored I might like to make chocolate brownies that are his favourite, so next time I fancied baking I did. 

He was meant to come over on the Saturday to collect them but he cancelled as he wasn't feeling well, I was a bit disappointed as I was looking forward to seeing him and baking takes effort, he messaged the next day asking if I was around for him to collect the brownies, I said I was but only for an hour so he popped in, he had a migraine and to be fair he looked rough. 

He made a comment when he was here about us always drinking, I'm not totally sure that he doesn't think I'm always drunk when something happens and that's the reason - it isn't but we all know that a drink gives us a bit of courage!

He came over, was here for an hour and then left before I went out, we had general chat but I made sure I mentioned that Knight had popped up, if it came up I didn't want him to think I was trying to hide anything (although I don't think he knows that we haven't always just been friends but we are now and anything else is in the past)  

As he left he said 'Come and give me a hug then' I hugged him and he kissed me, more than a friendly kiss but less than anything else and off he went. 

Then we were due to see each other again (I did offer tea but he said he doesn't drink it!) and he cancelled again, I was a bit pissed to be honest - he said he 'had stuff to sort' 

My heads been quite confused during this time, I don't know if I want anymore from this, I don't know if he does, I don't know if we're just friends but the lines have definitely been blurred. 

EBF and I have got closer and she has been in my thoughts a lot, whether she'd feel betrayed if she knew we are friends, how she'd feel about it, what if she bumps into him coming or going from here and I do feel totally torn between them, I like them both. 

I decided that I was going to tell her we're friends, I mean currently that's all we are, she came round on one of the heatwave evenings, sat in my pool drinking vodka, it was nice but it was definitely playing on my mind and then she gave me an opening, as soon as I saw the opportunity I went in and took it. 

She was talking about the new housing estate and mentioned the houses looking really small, I casually said 'EBFX bought one of those and its huge' she said she knew he had (he still sees her daughter) which opened up the dialogue, I then told her we see each other, he'd done a couple of bits around the house for me etc, she said they'd still be friends if it weren't for her boyfriend being so jealous about it. 

I also said that for my birthday I'm having two friends staying but for 3-4 local friends I'd be inviting them for a drop in across the evening, so there is a chance they'll run into each other, she said she was totally fine with it, so..... that's all out in the open - I only have a couple of really close friends that know anything outside of the friendship bit so it's no different here (ok, well maybe a little) 

Then a couple of weeks after that we said we'd get together on the Saturday, I said I'd go to his as I've not been there since December and he's been here a fair bit, after the last two occasions I was half expecting him to cancel and if he did it was last chance saloon, he messaged asking what time I was going over.

I'd gone through lots of scenarios in my head of what 'stuff to sort' could be and was expecting it to be something really trivial that would annoy me or that he'd met someone, it wasn't either, it's some quite serious work stuff that's really playing on his mind and I totally understood why he'd cancelled, so all was forgiven.

We chatted for the evening, from separate sides of the sofa (he has a much bigger sofa than I do!) it started hammering with rain, he said that I could stay if I wanted and he'd drop me off in the morning (I live a five minute walk away) I said I'd be fine, it's only water, he offered to drive me home, again I said I'd be fine. 

I could have stayed but I didn't want to stay because it was raining, if I stayed I wanted it to be because that's what we both wanted. 

We said goodbye and I gave him a hug, he kissed me but properly kissed me and I left. 

I messaged him when I got home, saying I'd got soaked, he said that he'd offered to bring me home. I said I kinda felt like we are tiptoeing around each other a bit and I don't really know why, he said he knows what I mean and that is currently where we are.................

My Knight in Shining Leathers…………….

Walked into my life on a Saturday night in May 2010.

I’d called time on my big love on Valentines Day and was totally broken, despite living in the village since 2006 it was my first night out locally since I’d arrived here three years before and I was out for a neighbours birthday, who had not far off dragged me out kicking and screaming, I’d already been over to my home town for a night out and been out with friends but was suffering quite badly with depression and anxiety so something new was just a whole lot of stress. 

We had a few to drink at hers first before venturing out, I had no idea where we were, it was all back lanes and little paths through the wood, we arrived at the local football club, where a band were playing, it turned out to be a good night of drinking, dancing and laughter.

Then this guy came up to me and said ‘I’m sure I know you from somewhere’ to which I replied ‘I doubt that, I’m not from around here’ I can clearly remember looking around the room and trying to work out why he was talking to me, he was GORGEOUS, a year older than me, 6’2, brown eyed, brown hair, classically handsome, nice shoulders, good body, lovely to talk to.

I had come out of a relationship after five years with an emotional bully, he told me I was fat (but when I later found out he has slept with someone else she was much bigger than me and he married her, go figure) and all sorts of other damning things that had completely destroyed my confidence over the years so I genuinely couldn’t understand why this gorgeous man was talking to me when we were in a room full of people.

Before the end of the night the friend I was out with did a disappearing act, which I learned later was pretty normal for her, he knew where she lived as everyone knows each other here so he said he would walk home with me as he was only in the next street and a few houses away.

He walked me home and came in for tea, the flirting continued which led to lots of rather unexpected and great sex, he spent the night telling me I was beautiful, amazing and all of the nice things that a girl could expect to hear, when we weren’t having sex he spent his time cuddling me and it was a good 12 hours before he said he’d better head home, he kissed me goodbye and left.

And that was it until a couple of weeks later I walked into the local pub and there he was, without the alcohol I’d had to drink last time, he was; if anything more gorgeous than I remembered, as soon as he saw me he came and gave me a kiss and hug like we’d known each other forever which was rather unexpected, my neighbour was quite surprised that she had witnessed that as he is ‘not like that with anyone' and she’d known him since he was a kid.

He walked me home that night too but we did actually sit and talk this time, I knew that a girl from the village had recently died of an overdose, what I didn’t know until then was that it was his ex girlfriend and someone that despite her being an ex he cared for her, he talked and I listened, eventually we ended up in bed again, more great sex, compliments, cuddles, again it was the middle of the day before he left with a kiss goodbye.

This happened a few times over the passing months, I wasn’t ready for anything more and neither was he but we had such a lovely, easy ‘relationship’ at times we came home together, other times we didn’t but he was always the same, each time I saw him I got the same greeting and we always talked, other times we would come home together, we’d talk, end up in bed, he’d kiss me goodbye at some point the next day, if you were ever going to have a friends with benefits, this was definitely the way to do it.

At some point during this time we became friends on Facebook and through that discovered that we were both movie lovers, he messaged me saying he had a great movie that I ought to see, he then brought it round, we watched it together and ended up in bed, every time he had something he thought I’d like he’d arrive on my doorstep, sometimes he’d stay and watch it with me, other times he’d just drop it off and leave, I’d messaged saying I’d watched it, discuss the movie and then he’d come and replace it with something else, his taste in movies was impeccable, off the wall and he never failed to bring something that I didn’t love.

On one of these occasions he arrived on his bike; in his leathers which is where his name comes from, leathers can look good or bad on a man but a man with an incredible body in leathers is really quite a sight and he didn’t disappoint, that may have been an occasion where I was disappointed that he didn’t come in!

I loved how easy things were between us, no matter how long it was since we’d seen each other it was never any different, we sometimes exchanged messages between, we sometimes didn’t, there was never any expectation and I liked that, I think he did too but also there was never that empty feeling that I have found can come with sex but it wasn’t just sex.

Christmas that year he turned up on my doorstep, he was upset as his Gran had died, he said that I was the one person he could talk to and it never mattered what he said, I thought that was rather lovely, I comforted him, we talked things through and he stayed.

We have confided in each other about all sorts of things over the years, it was me he turned to when he was having problems with his girlfriend and asked what he should do, when he was having family issues it was my door he knocked on, that’s not the only time he’s turned up though, his timing over the years has been impeccable, his ability to know I’m having a bad time and to arrive at my door with a great movie has always been incredible.

Over the years our ‘relationship’ has evolved into different things, there’s been sex, friendship, companionship, comfort, advice, sometimes all of those things have been together at other times independent of each other, over the years this has continued on and off, at one point I was seeing someone for about a year and he was too, though I don’t think at the same time, so during those times the sex stopped but we never did stop being friends, if he sees me now he’ll stop the car if he can so that we can chat.

I don’t honestly think that he would ever realise that he’s been a bit of a hero in my life, although I have told him in the past, he totally doesn’t get how important he was in that first year after the break up, it was incredibly hard for me and he was the one that scooped me up, told me how amazing I was and made me realise that there were not only good men out there but good men that were incredibly hot, he definitely set the bar for dating! He is the one that turned up through those early days when life was really shit, he’s the one that when someone in the village was bragging that they’d slept with me he unashamedly pulled them up on it (after checking with me that it wasn’t true) he is the person that I know wouldn’t be in a room if someone was slagging me off and not totally defend me.

The last time we slept together was about 18 months ago, it was the first time in a while and rather unexpected as I kind of thought we were ‘done’ with the whole sex thing, seems we weren’t, I felt a shift that night though, it didn’t quite feel the same for me, I just wasn’t as ‘into’ it as I had been before and in the morning when he suggested sex again I said I wasn’t feeling it (which he knew isn’t very like me) for the first time, he was totally cool with it though just as I would expect and I think that sadly because my head is out of having sex with him that will be the last time, shame as that might be, however I know that we will always be friends and would be there for each other at the drop of a hat.

I had never really believed that Friends With Benefits was a concept that could be successful before this and I’m still not sure that I believe there are many situations where it can work and not feel unfulfilling and empty but on this occasion it worked perfectly.

Although I myself forget this quite often, good men and superhero’s really do exist, sometimes they live just a few doors away and instead of a cape they wear bike leathers just like My Knight in Shining Leathers does.

Catching Up.........

It's been a busy couple of weeks, we started with the Knight in Shining Leathers, I've bumped into him a couple of times, things have been as normal as ever, just what I expected, I really like that we have that still.

22 has been in touch a lot, most days, the first time I've seen him out was last Sunday, I was out with a friend and Baggage Boy was due to come over for the evening after he'd dropped the four year old off.

Knight was supposed to be away for the weekend and I'd not seen 22 for weeks so thought I'd be safe, of course I was wrong!

Sitting in the garden and in walks Knight, 45 minutes later 22 walks in, so there is me feeling a little awkward, then I get a call from Baggage Boy, I'll be over in about 45 minutes, awkward is now setting in, then I see that 22 is sitting with a girl, ok, that makes it a bit easier.

In walks Baggage Boy, walks straight up, gives me a big kiss and cuddle and sits down, he's an outsider so obviously everyone feels the need to look, my evil twin was out with me and a guy that she quite likes so we looked like quite a foursome.

He smelt amazing and had his shoulders out, which are my main two weaknesses when it comes to the male species, he knows that, even evil twin mentioned how amazing he smelt.

We had a right giggle Baggage Boy fitted right in with us, lots of laughing, eventually we went to the other guys house for a drink after closing, BB had water, we had tea, he fell asleep on the sofa, so we came home, he hadn't given me much notice so he had to sleep in with me, this had been discussed already.

He is really cuddly, I'm more of a cuddle then move over and sleep but he was having none of it, every time I tried to move he pulled me closer, he did make a couple of attempts at something more but I stopped it from happening, I think it would really ruin things, we aren't compatible longterm and I know that if it went further I would end up being hurt and I don't really want that to happen, I was gentle about it but he knew that it wasn't happening, he left Monday morning and I've heard little from him this week, I'm now at the stage where I don't miss him when he's not around like I did last year, in fact its the first time I've really thought about it today.

I got a message on Sunday night from 22 asking if I was ignoring him, I wasn't ignoring him at all, we just never got the chance to speak really, on Monday morning he text asking me who I was with, so I said I was with evil twin, no he said, he wanted to know who the lads were, I joked and said Mr Sunday and then said the BB was a friend.

The texts continued through the week, on Weds evil twin and I went for a drink as it was boiling hot, we were sat in the garden when 22 walked in, with the same girl, as I walked in the bar later on, I'm sure I saw him kissing her, I was actually a little hurt about it, when I'd returned the 'who were you with' he'd said two mates, I came home and never thought I'd hear from him again, he appeared to have a pretty, skinny, 21 year old girlfriend in tow.

The morning after I got a message in reply to the last one I'd sent the day before, I'd not expected to hear from him and didn't really know what to do with it, whether to reply or ignore it, eventually I replied and we were chatted, I mentioned his girlfriend and he told me he didn't have one, he as usual asked what I was doing that night and I'd told evil twin the night before that if I turned down opportunities again she should slap me, when I spoke to her about it she said I should invite him over and give it a chance.

So next time he asked, I said nothing and he asked if he could come over, I said yes.
I got home from work, tidied up, got sorted and he didn't show, he's been asking pretty much everyday since that night and I've kept saying no, the one day I say yes and he's a no show!!

The next morning I get a message saying he fell asleep, again the conversation went on for most of the day.

Friday night evil twin and I walked into the pub and he was there, with the non girlfriend again, as soon as we walked in you could see that she had an issue with it, she didn't leave his side and then they had an argument, he friends took him out of there, as he walked past he asked if I was ignoring him today, I said I never ignore him and he came to speak for a couple of minutes, she looked really annoyed and he left.

I got a message on the Saturday and we had a bit of a chat, I mentioned the girlfriend being unhappy and he said he thought the fact that she wasn't the girlfriend was the actual issue.

I walked into the pub that night and he was there with a bunch of friends, he called me over, making a comment about ignoring him again and saying that I get him into trouble, we talked for a few minutes before I went over to my friends.

When I got there the guy said that all four of them were looking at my arse as I walked over!

After an hour or so they left to go to town, I was a bit put out by that, I think I like him a little more than I should, we've always had this little thing between us, I find it quite annoying.

I had a few messages during the night, including that he thought I had an admirer, he meant one of his friends but I've not heard anything so far today.

We all (me, evil twin, the bloke that evil twin quite likes) went back to Uniforms for a drink, then came home, the bloke that evil twin likes was quite keen on going into town, I'd have been up for it myself too but evil twin was having none of it, so went home and went to bed.

We'd had a conversation with someone in the evening, saying they'd been thinking of setting one of the lads up with their niece but were thinking twice as he was a friend of 22's and he'd already screwed one of the niece's over, I never got much more in the way of detail but it's concerned me, maybe he isn't the person I think he is and he is actually what they all say?

Mixed up is the word I think, why do I always go for things I can't have or are no good for me? Uniform would be perfect in so many ways and adores me, there is also another bloke that I know from 'real life' but got in touch with again on a dating site who apparently thinks I'm amazing still I can't even be bothered to go and meet him, we have the friends son, who if I clicked my fingers he'd ask how high, am I interested in any of them? No, of course I'm not.

I would love life to be simple but it seems it never will be for me, I am a roller coaster nightmare, the harder they play the more I like them it seems, if there were 100 men in the room and 99 were nice I'd still manage to find the complete idiot, I seem to have a radar.

A little catch up.........

It's been four months since I've posted, can't believe I've left it that long.

The dating front is still the same as really, I think it's me, I'm not really sure i want anything unless he's perfect and of course no one ever is, so I'll give you a quick catch up on the last few months.

Baggage boy continues to be around and we see each other fairly regularly, we have a bit of a weird relationship, it seems to fit directly between friendship and a relationship, he phones me most days, is there if I need anything, we spend nights curled up on the sofa watching movies but that's where it ends, it's a funny old situation but he does bring a bit of brightness to my life.

I met the four year old a couple of weeks ago, it's only taken me nine months to agree to it, he looks just like his Dad and like his Dad from the moment we met we hit it off, we went to Nando's for dinner and he came and gave me a a hug and kiss before bedtime which was a bit of a shock.

Apparently when Baggage Boy had a friend over on the Saturday the four year old told the friend he loved me, bless!

I've written a separate post on '22' as he makes his first appearance in the blog.

We're going back a few years now my Knight in Shining Leathers made a re-entry, you probably won't remember him as it was five years ago the first time, he was very important following my split with my big love, who by all accounts was a bit of a twat, he picked me up from a pretty terrible place, we were both going through a rough time and picked each other up, we stayed close for years after and always chat when we see each other, It's still mentioned from time to time that there is something between us but there hasn't been for years, well until last night.

I've hardly been out this year but was looking forward to a night out, we'd been out for a while when he arrived, he gave me a hug and kiss and we chatted before going our separate ways, we were then sat at a table and he came and joined us and when we left he came along, we sat together in the pub and he said he'd walk me home (he usually does if we are out together) although I didn't realise he's moved and is now at the other end of the village, I mentioned it and he said it wasn't an issue he was passing anyway, when we got to mine he came in (again normal) we sat chatting over tea and he was telling me about splitting with his girlfriend a couple of months ago.

I was rather shocked when he kissed me, it was unexpected to say the least but nice at that. After a few hours I said I needed to go to bed and asked if he was staying (again nothing abnormal) although what happened next was not how it normally does and I honestly didn't expect anything to happen but it did, he left at about 11 the next morning, it's funny nothing has changed in five years, we're still as natural together as we have always been, I don't think I really like him 'like that' these days but it was nice, I think we maybe both needed some affection and we have always been there for each other, he's a lovely guy and I've got a lot of time for him.

Who bloody knew!

It just keeps getting worse!

A fight today to get the holiday pay I'm owed has ended in me leaving on Thursday, so only three more days of work before redundancy, I'm terribly sad, I love the job and I hate job hunting!

So, yesterday after a weekend of being let down by friends and others refusing to come out to cheer me up I decided to go to the pub on my own!

I text Uniform to ask if he was going up there, he said he was and so were a couple of the other oldies I know so I thought I'd be fairly safe in having someone to talk to.

Then Uniform turned up at the door, to walk up with me (although he offered to drive me up there) he only stayed for a couple though and I did give him grief about leaving early.

The oldies were in so I chatted with them for a while, Knight in Shining Leathers walked in, he's looking better than he was, lost a bit of weight and looks more like himself, we talked for a bit, he mentioned how it's not going so great with the GF and how he doesn't think it will work out long term, for a boy that doesn't talk to anyone we do have some heart to hearts!

We had a new arrival into the blog, although I've known him for quite a while, I don't have a name for him yet but if he keeps appearing I might, he was talking to me about work etc and FB messaged me when I got home saying he'd have stayed out with me if it had not been for his son giving him a lift, he did suggest that I might like to join him but I declined, he's a really nice guy but I get the feeling he's got quite a few miles on his clock which isn't something I really want, we will see if it goes anywhere.

I was talking to a couple of the boys in the pub when Knight in Shining Leathers suggested selling myself to make some money, Uniform came out with the fact that I wouldn't be of much use as I couldn't get down on my knee's!!! Cheeky sods the pair of them!

I am still getting regular messages from Smiler, he even said he'd come over and see me, I've not said yes yet though, I think that might be a bit weird!

Probably not a lot to come this week, Uniform is away for 5 weeks on Monday and in a funny kind of way I'll miss him, say's the girl that didn't want to be with him, sometimes I question myself!!!!

My Messy Little World.........

As I was walking to Uniform's yesterday to have a bath I noticed that the three people I've had 'things' with in the village and Uniform now all live in the same road, Quote Me Happy has moved in there this week, how on earth do I get myself into these things? All in one road, that's just silly!

Anyway Quote Me Happy saw me hobbling to Uniforms and asked what I'd done, ah it's a complicated old life we lead!

Had a lovely bath at Uniforms and told him that the cats and I had moved in, totally unfazed by it, quite annoying really.

I was telling a friend about it all last night, she thinks I should put my cards on the table before it's too late, I guess she's right in that you can't go back but in another way I think if it's meant to be it will be, I don't think I'm going to tell him anything really, I think I'm just going to leave things as they are, if I've cocked up again then that's that but Blue Eyes and I were friends at the start and that was all cocked up, I don't want to do it again, it's a small village when things go wrong and I don't want to lose friends over it.

I am off for another bath tonight though, I'm going to make the most of it while I can! :-)

Oh what a few days........

It's been a busy few days here, the emails, texts and whatsapp messages have been flowing in and as per usual mostly not one's that would interest me.

Still hearing from the Space Cadet most days, I saw Uniform on Sunday, I'd been in the pub for the afternoon and not long before I was leaving he arrived, a comment had already been made in the afternoon by a friend but it was ignored, when he walked in one of the regulars asked if we'd fallen out as he didn't come straight up to me as usual and to be fair I did wonder if things were going to be awkward but as soon as he walked past he came and gave me a hug and joined us, he was driving so gave me a lift home but as usual that ended in 'have you eaten' and he made me dinner and a movie cuddled up on the sofa, it's weird, we are terribly comfortable together and I really enjoy spending time with him.

He's away with work for the week and has left me the keys so that I can have some baths this week bless him, the girlfriend is back Weds though and I'm really not totally sure how that will feel or be, we will see I guess.

Knight in Shining Leathers was also in the pub, when I mentioned him being dropped in it with the gf he just gave a big sigh and shrug, he's so much happier and more himself when she's not around, got a big hug and he gave me lots of abuse about the knee.

Yesterday was a bit of a day for me, I had a phone call yesterday asking if I'd do them a favour and pick something up for them, to which I said of course I would, it ended up that I had to meet one of the hottest men in motorsport to pick up his race kit, he is absolutely stunning and gorgeous and I've been waiting for quite literally months to meet him, I can honestly say I've had a huge smile on my face since I was asked to do it, helping out a friend made my day, I was told that I wasn't allowed to lock him in and keep him here but it was very tempting! His father is also one of the most famous men in motorsport, we'll call him Hotbike!!

Catching Up.......

All has been pretty quiet on the home front, I've managed to rip the ligaments in my knee which means I can't drive and can't get around which to be honest is a right pain!

I didn't go out for the whole of February, it's a pretty miserable month for me, I broke up with w@nk bag four years ago on V day and although it was one of the best things I ever did he was the only man I have ever actually loved and the weather is miserable, money is tight as winter is quiet in the industry I work in, etc, etc, whinge, moan, whinge!!!

Kept being told that Uniform keeps taking a woman up the pub but no one was sure if it was a GF or just a friend, I saw him out the week before last and it's the new GF.

I had to be fair played totally hard to get as I didn't know if (and still don't if I'm being honest) I liked him as a friend or more, we get on great but is that enough, what if I like him but don't fancy the pants off him?

Anyway back to the story at hand, I saw him on the Friday at the pub, normally he walks me home but I got a lift as I wasn't drinking and left before closing (strange I know!) I went out on my own on Sunday which is unusual but my friend didn't want to go out and I was desperate to, there were people there that I would know so it was fine, Uniform was there and bought me a drink as soon as I walked in and then came and joined us, for someone that has a girlfriend as soon as he spots me he's straight over!

Everyone else left eventually (early) leaving me, him and a few other regulars and My Knight In Shining Leathers was in there too (who incidentally has had a gf for about a year now) we had a chat as usual but were messing around a bit later on and he threw a chalk covered cloth at me, I threw it back, he threw it back and then I grabbed him and went to kick him (playfully not seriously) landed really badly and that's how the knee happened!

Uniform then walked me home (as usual) and I went to his (as usual) for a drink and chinese, we snuggled up on the sofa and watched a film, he did try to get me to stay as I was quite obviously injured and struggling to move but being the stubborn cow I am I came home, which I regretted in the morning as I got into the shower and knew pretty much straight away that I was going to pass out, I managed to get myself out of the shower before passing out on the floor and hitting my neck and head on the way down, I don't think I've ever felt so sorry for myself for living on my own! Anyway long and short is that I'm not driving or walking far for the next few months!

We've had a few messages in the week and then we were both out on Saturday at the pub (me on crutches!) he beelined again as usual and we came home together, he was supposed to be on a fire course on Sun morning but he was quite drunk, he fell asleep on the sofa and I tried to wake him up to go home but he was having none of it, I'm not even sure he would have been capable of walking it to be honest, eventually I told him to go to bed and he went and got in my bed (stark naked) I put PJ's on and also went to bed, he was very cuddly and snuggly as usual which I must say was nice, it's been a long time since anyone's been in my bed!

He made an attempt at trying it on a couple of times but I wasn't going for it, he is a friend and if anything happens I don't want it to be getting laid, it's the line between friends and more and it needs to be one or the other I think.

It took me about two hours to get him up for his training and he was too late but told me he was being picked up at 9, not the 7:30 that he was really so by the time I eventually chucked him out at 8 he was too late, I don't know if we've crossed the line, or if it will be awkward next time we see eachother but I guess that might not be for a while, although nothing happened, ARGH head fuck! He's also off to Afghanistan next month and then Australia the month after, so I guess it's not the end of the world, it's pretty typical of me, can never make my mind up about men.

Oh, on another note, Psycho, Knight In Shining Armour, Uniform and Quote Me Happy now all live in the same street, whoops!

Looby has just called, she said she's glad that she didn't fix me up with BIL as they've had a massive fall out........... people!

A Messy Evening.....

Hadn't heard from Blue Eyes all week, which to be honest I'd not expected too (he had my number to get me a printing quote but had said his boss would ring me) as I was getting ready to go out last night there was a missed call on my mobile (I'm terrible with it, the service where I live is bad and it's on silent most of the time, I rarely do phone calls on it and just really use it for texting) but when I clicked on the number  I'd had three missed call's from it, one on Wednesday and two yesterday, I rang it purely because there had been three calls and Blue Eye's answered, he said he'd called about a couple of things, firstly to apologise for being 'shamefully drunk' on Sunday, I told him he had nothing to apologise for and that we'd all been in the same state and he also had the quote for me.

I have to admit I was concerned by the 'shamefully drunk' it kind of said to me that he regretted Sunday.

I asked him if he was coming out (it had kind of been arranged last Sunday and Evil Twin was due to be knocking for him) he said probably and we left it there.

Evil Twin arrived and said she'd knocked for him but he'd not answered so she rang him and he'd not heard her, so he came over too and we had a couple here before going out.

I brought the 'shamefully drunk' comment up with him when we were out and he said I'd got the wrong end of the stick, that he'd been concerned that he'd said or done something to offend me, especially as I'd ignored his calls,  I pointed out that as I didn't have his number I didn't know it was him and we talked about the fact that neither of us wanted it to be awkward.

Much drinking took place, much flirting went along with it, he ended back at mine and spent the night here, he did remark at one point that we were acting like 'lovestruck teenagers' which I thought was fairly funny! He's a hell of a kisser, I even made him coffee and breakfast this morning which is almost unheard of. 

I was feeling rotten this morning (all day in fact!) which he found rather funny, he eventually left around 11 as he had family coming over, I was ready to die quietly by this time anyway.

He text about 7 to tell me that he has a love bite and all of his mates are laughing at him and to ask how my head is, so we've had a couple of texts between us.

We should all be out again tomorrow for messy Sunday, I think I'll be getting grief tomorrow for the love bite from everyone and the spanish inquisition from Mr Modest (as Blue Eyes had last night about Sunday!) 

The Knight in Shining leathers was out, nice to see him as always and have a catch up.

A very funny and good night in all, even if I can't remember getting home or going to bed, we only worked out this morning we'd carried on drinking before bed when we found glasses and shot glasses in the kitchen this morning.

We had lots of conversations about the fact that it had taken him three days to phone me, he said he'd thought about it before but had been really busy and then thought I was ignoring him, a little bit of crossed wires I think!

Will anything come to it? Who know's, I would though like to keep him as a friend at least.

Quote Me Happy! ;-)

Wow, it's been a busy few days and not really what I was planning at all, I was going out Sunday evening for a few drinks and to watch a band outside in the garden at my local, I went up in shorts and a strappy top, no makeup and my hair had dried naturally which generally means it's somewhere between curly and straight and rather unruly, also I wasn't wearing matching underwear - something that you'll see the importance of later!

After about an hour the weather had turned quite cold so one of the guys brought me home to change, a quick change into jeans, top and a cardi and I was back out, anyway the afternoon passed in the normal raucous fashion, including rugby tackling the manager of our football team when she tried to take my phone off of me to stop me texting the Space Cadet!

Anywhere a fair bit of alcohol and shots had gone down and 6 of us decided to go to the pub for a few, we carried on in the pub and bumped into my knight in shining leathers, spoke to him briefly and hijacked his juke box session, we then went to the indian, we sat down and Quote Me Happy walked in, he's the carpenter that is supposed to be giving me a quote for a job I want done, a couple of people I was with gave him a bit of grief about the lack of quote and he came and joined us for dinner, sitting next to me.

We ate dinner and joked around, I asked if I wanted an S and M dungeon would it make getting my quote any quicker, he said it would and I said that's what it was then (When I first spoke to him about the quote he asked if I really wanted a dungeon and was just trying to cover it up)

One of the people I was out with had already decided earlier in the yeat that we would be good together and had pointed this out on a Saturday evening, she decided it was time to do this again and proceeded to tell him this, when it was time to leave I was keen to avoid Photofetish who quite frankly gets right on my nerves, he'd been out with us on Friday and you just can't escape him and his utter bullshit (which I did point out a few times!) so my half of the table waited until he and a couple of others had gone with the intention of coming back here for some more shots and drinks.

I left the Indian with my friends that are a couple and Quote Me Happy, who went to walk back to his, Karen (who has it in her head that we should get to know eachother better) however was having none of this and summoned him back to mine, which after a little protest about work in the morning he did.

The couple didn't stay for too long (should I have been surprised at this?!) He however didn't make an attempt to leave when they did and we carried on talking, it was obviously going in the direction of something happening, we were however both knackered (he had also been out early afternoon but I'd not seen him to speak to, he'd obviously seen me as he mentioned the quick change I'd done!)

He had been sat stroking my leg with his hand up my jean leg and then asked me over for a cuddle, well he's 6'6 so that's not the easiest thing in the world to do, I suggested if he wanted to sleep he came to bed and promised that I wouldn't pounce on him, he said he liked the sound of the first one but wasn't so keen on the second!

He was well behaved and by the time I'd been in the bathroom, he was in bed - with his jeans on, he asked if he was allowed to go down to boxers which i said was fine.

Well the nothing happening lasted all of five minutes and to be honest it was all lovely, he was lovely and cuddly and it was a great night and morning! I didn't even mind being woken by his very early alarm for work - well I can think of worse things to be woken up to! :-) I did ask if my quote had moved up the list and was told that indeed it had!

We exchanged a couple of messages during the day, mainly about the fact that I'd found money in the bed from where he'd taken his jeans off and that he would sort my quote for me, we will see if it stays as a one off, either way a very good evening was had, not much sleep but a huge grin on my face which was much needed for what comes next............

Monday was Space Cadet film evening and to be honest after no sleep, a little bit of a hangover and the facebook incident on Saturday I wasn't looking forward to it, I very much wanted to not go but as he'd booked the tickets I thought I had better, he knew I'd had a bit of an evening (but obviously not about Quote Me Happy) and that the last of the people that had come back here had left at about 7 (this fact is also perfectly true!)

He'd text me in the day asking if I fancied going over about 5 and going for dinner and then the cinema was booked for 9, I said that was fine but did pull his leg a bit about that being his definition of a date, I don't think after the last few weeks he always know's how to take me to be honest! I had a discussion with my friend about whether to make an effort or just to go as I was and it was decided that making an effort was the way to go, at least show him what he's missing!

So hair done, full make up, and clothes that looked nice but you could get away with both for dinner and cinema without looking like i'd make too much effort and away I went, we had dinner out, conversation as ever flowed and the film was as expected awesome, we had another nice evening which ended with the normal kiss goodbye, as ever I had a text by the time I got home and have had more today.

All I can say is that I'm very glad one of them at least still wants to get in my knickers (even when they don't match, which they always have for him!) because to be honest I was starting to wonder exactly what's wrong with me, a man invites me for a bottle of wine and then sleeps in the spare room while I sleep in his bed and have to listen to his neighbours sh*gging, what the fuck?!

Thank you Quote Me Happy for making me think maybe I'm not a complete freak!

The weekend

Well the Space Cadet is still getting in touch on a daily basis which I'm still unsure about, I think he probably wants a friend to be able to chat to, I on the other hand don't really want that, I think I am going to leave longer and longer between message replies and see what happens, the thing is the messages never fail to bring a smile to my face and life has been a bit crappy lately, so although I know it's going nowhere I'm loathe to get rid of it entirely, does that make sense?

There has been another flurry on the dating sites, again no one I'd like to meet!

Video Boy has been in touch asking if I'd like to do a date three (it was about 6 months ago that we had dates one and two) I've said yes (probably putely because I'm pissed off with the Space Cadet if I'm honest but we'll see what happens, I'm pretty sure nothing will have changed but he seems pretty convinced that there is some chemistry there!

The weathers been beautiful so decided to get a bit of sun, walked in and saw Billy Bullshit, gave him a massive cuddle, because I needed one and as the person I would have liked it from failed miserably it had to come from somewhere, I have to say he gives lovely cuddles.

Popped out to a birthday party last night, wasn't going to go as there's been a lot going on here but I did in the end, saw my knight in shining leathers early on in the night, he said I looked tired (I did and had gone out with hardly any makeup on!) I gave him a brief explaination of why and he told me how things were his end but I was with a friend so kept it short, I realised it's a year this weekend since the first night with him, so this time last year I was knackered for a very different reason! ;-)

I caught up with the carpenter that I need to give me a quote too last night, I'm sure my friend was trying to sell me, I told him what I needed doing and he remarked that I needed a handy man rather than several different tradesmen, her response was 'no, she just needs a man' I do love my friends, really I do! I commented that another of my friends was debating giving my business cards out to every nice looking man she saw, I think we sold me well there - not! Anyway I should be getting a quote visit soon!