Monday, 14 August 2017

Another weekend gone...........

In a flash, this weekend was the Western style Murder Mystery party in Lincs for a friends hubby's 50th birthday, it was good apart from me having a rather big headache that is now into day three and seems pretty unshiftable currently, I am however at work (and debating whether that's the best idea I've ever had or not.

So, Cake Destroyer has been hassling for photo's of me in my outfit, I ignored it a couple of times but I did say I'd send some after the party, so after many asks I sent some through this morning, I was wearing a red corset (a proper corset not the sort you buy from amazon with tiny, thin little bits of wire that only work if you are a C cup (I'm a JJ so that sort of thing doesn't work on me!) a Saloon girl type skirt, just above my knee at the front and long at the back with lots of layers to it, flower patterned fishnet tights (that looked much nicer than they sound) choker, etc. The message back said that I looked absolutely fantastic, it was worth his persistence, bloody gorgeous and I was the best dressed person there. I said that it was his turn now and he sent me a photo of him dressed as a rather hot Sperman, I have to admit to being impressed!

Nothing from Cunt Face apart from a Snap Chat in response to my outfit but have had some others in touch, such as Mr Bumble, nothing exciting though.

Thursday, 10 August 2017

The week is nearly over......

It's been a long week, a very long week...............

Cake Destroyer is doing my head in a bit, still long messages but they are more infrequent now, a couple a day probably, usually one first thing (although there wasn’t one today but he’s not been online since he sent me the last message last night) now, I don’t know if I’m being paranoid because of what’s happened in the past or that I’m not being paranoid and I won’t hear much more from him.
Now there was no chemistry on date one, so I shouldn’t really be too bothered, what bothers me most is when someone is so keen and then it drops off, although the messages have still been really involved and I know that basic training is a killer, so it could be that but he’s not suggested a day to see each other again yet.

So, last night I was trying on my outfit for the party this weekend, it’s a 1880’s Western themed murder mystery and my part is a saloon girl.

So, my outfit is a red corset (it’s simply beautiful and fits amazingly well) a skirt (as yet undecided) a pair of stunning shoe boots, that I just won’t be able to wear for very long as they will kill me but they are going to be worth it, patterned fish nets, it looks great but I can’t decide between the final two skirts, one is shorter, one longer, same sort of style.

Before you think I'm getting dressed up because there will be lots of men there, there won't, certainly no single one's but I do take getting dressed up very seriously!

I get a message from the Best Friend to say that he’s out with the Car Salesman and about the Ex, he wants us all to do dinner, which I’m cool with, I sent him a photo of the shoes (he likes a girl dressed up) he says he likes them so I ask him to help me choose a skirt, he likes the shorter one, no idea why I bothered asking if I’m honest, I should have known.

A little later I get a message on FB from the Car Salesman, saying he’d been out with BF and we need to talk and that he loved my shoes, I asked why we needed to talk and that he’d ducked out of dinner, he said that BF is in bits which is why we need to talk and he would be more help with outfit choices than BF, he said we have joint custody of them.

Anyway, he offered to help me choose a skirt, so I sent him photo’s, one of the short and one of the longer (both in heels, fishnets and corset) he chose the shorter outfit but said that I looked hot and that even 18 years later I still look incredible, apparently I have an amazing smile and boobs!
He went on to say how I suit a corset and that I am a ‘walking fantasy with attitude’ I think he was pretty impressed with the outfit overall!  He sent me his number and said to text him.

I brought up (as I always do) the him shagging my mate thing, it’s not even a skeleton anymore, we literally laugh about it, he again told me it was the worst decision he’d made and what a twat he was. He talked about the date we’d been on five years ago and how good it had been, he said that things around that time were crazy and he’d tell me when we met up, but I said I wanted to know, anyway turns out he’s had a one night stand a month before we’d met and she’d called the next day telling him she was pregnant with twins, it was all messy and it kept getting worse, a cancer care, a new boyfriend, losing one of the twins, death threats which is why he pulled back from me at the time. He told me how much he’d loved that evening although he knew I’d hated his film choice. He said he’d remembered how good a kisser I was and described it and he’d wished we’d sorted our acts out 18 years ago when we first met.

He talked about the day we first met and how he remembers it, that I’m still hot now only have better taste in corsets but that he remembered I always had excellent taste in underwear (he’d obviously caught me on the right days or when I was prepared!) his last message to me (I went to sleep) was that he was ‘Lastly, I’m sorry for being a cunt, a massive cunt’ which to be fair I don’t think he was really.

We were both young, I didn’t know what I wanted, he thought he did, I couldn’t decide, I was 21, in a new job, surrounded by some pretty hot men and I didn’t know what I wanted, however sleeping with my then best mate was obviously taking it too far, although in fairness we were never actually going out, just seeing each other so really he wasn’t in the wrong for sleeping with someone else, just for doing it so close to home.

Sometimes I think familiarity can do funny things to you, he’s safe for me because it’s old and familiar, it’s like the cuddly toy I’ve had since I was a baby, I know I can always go back to it for comfort but then I know I can leave it in a cupboard for 5 years and not think twice about it too.
The four of us have always had such good banter together, so although I can’t imagine curry will happen it would be nice for it to, it’s been years since we’ve seen each other, life is a funny game, he’s asked today why I don’t have a man in tow and if I still have very little time for knobheads, which yes I do still have little time for knobheads!

Mr Bumble keeps popping up, nothing exciting to report, Cunt Face as ever pops up and disappears, I hope his rash itches like fuck! 

Monday, 7 August 2017

The weekend was tragic.........

Had a nice day at racing Saturday with the family I choose, however Sunday was marred by a big accident at the circuit, with a rider high siding and being run over by his team mate (totally unavoidable) it was several hours later that we heard that rider had died and his name was released, only to be someone I know, not someone I know well but he used to be a customer of mine in a previous life, we were Facebook friends for the 5/6 years that have elapsed, we'd chat on messenger at times and I'd had a conversation with him on Saturday evening, I feel numb.

He was a good person, that had been through a lot, an ex Royal Marine, an amputee after an accident, a positive, lovely tough gentleman with a heart of gold and he's gone, out there doing something he loved but that's still no reason to tell someone it's better because he was doing something he loved, it's not, it's really not and the next person that tells me that might get a punch in the face.

It's funny, when it's someone you know it brings it so much closer to home and makes you think about life a little differently, awful as it sounds but it’s a lot easier to be clinical about things when it’s another racer that you don’t know, that isn’t in the same paddock and in the same race with your own rider, still awful but not as awful.

It’s brought a lot of things back too, three years ago I lost a friend who was racing at one of the worlds best and most dangerous road races, it was his second year there, I’d known him for a couple of years prior to that and he had worked for me, he was a great guy, we flirted, he was married so I made sure it stayed at that but if I’m honest I always thought that there was a tomorrow for something to possibly happen between us if it was meant to be, until the day that I had my interview for my current job.

As always I’d messaged him that morning telling him good luck and to stay safe and he’d responded, I’d had the interview that had gone well and went over to my hometown to spend the day with one of my best friends/mum substitute, that afternoon I was just getting ready to leave and had a scroll through Facebook, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, everywhere I looked were RIP messages. All that went through my head was don’t be stupid, why are people doing this, it wasn’t until I saw it coming up on pages of mutual friends that I believed it had happened, I cried all of the way home and continued that for days.

He was two years younger than me (as is the person that died this weekend) he had two young children, while he might not have been perfect he was a good bloke, he’d had his moments over the years (lots of them very high profile moments) but a nice guy that was very personable and was always decent to me.

Often he’d get me tickets to the rounds (he always offered) I’d offer to pay him and he’d tell me that one day I would pay him in kind for them, I don’t know if anything would have ever happened between us but I guess from that day I felt I’d been robbed of the chance a bit, should I have cared about the wife if he didn’t? Would it have made anything better? (We all know it wouldn’t, if anything it would have probably got very messy and been worse)

What it did do for me is make me think a bit more that I needed to hold back less and grab hold of things more, that day changed my life a little bit and I think yesterday will too. To this day he still spends a lot of time in my thoughts.

Racing is a small world, a little family really, the rider and team I go with are the family I choose and I love them like they are my family, the person that died this weekend was riding in the same series, in the same race and it brings it so close to home, two people in three years I know doesn’t sound a lot but it feels it.

Anyway, back to dating disasters which seems almost cheery compared to the rest of this post.

Cunt Face did get in touch, the day after I was near where he lives, I know, typical, I know. He asked how my visit was, I wanted to ignore the twat but you know I couldn’t hold that out for long, we had a general conversation, he told me he was struggling with itching (I wasn’t sniggering, honest, ok, I bloody was) I asked if it was all of the nasty things he’d been touching, he replied that the last thing he’d touch was ‘some southern fairy’ meaning me, not being funny but I doubt that is the case – by the way, this isn’t something nasty (well I don’t think it is!) and it’s not been caught off me as we’ve not been intimately close, just so you know like! I imagine he’s probably changed aftershave or washing powder or something and it disagrees with him, however him, being him he’s gone to the Dr and asked them to conduct all sorts of tests to find out why.

Now I’m a bit allergic myself, so I get it’s annoying but really? Spoke briefly over the weekend but as usual no substance, I Snapchatted him in my outfit for this weekends party last week, his response was ‘Erections, erections everywhere’ so I guess I look ok in it!

Cake Destroyer got in touch on Friday evening, I was pretty impressed really that he’d appeared back on Whatsapp and within an hour I had a message, with an apology for the lack of responses, saying he’d just got back from exercise, asking how I was and how my week was.

I said I’d not expected him to respond as I knew he was away being beasted, we chatted for most of the evening, I do find Whatsapp a bit of a fail sometimes though, because I can see if he’s read my message and not answered I then get annoyed, when we were on Tinder I didn’t know if he’d read them or not, so it didn’t matter.

Now, I could turn off my last seen but I don’t want to do that (CF does that but I can still see when the tosser is online, if I am at the same time) but then I get annoyed that he’s read it and not come back to me.

His messages appear to be in the same vein but he’s not suggested we meet up again as yet and responses aren’t as fast as I’d like but then I respond ridiculously fast (to everyone) and I guess he has just been away for a week though and then had a working weekend but he’s on leave from Friday for two weeks, so I guess we won’t see each other again then and I’m all good with chatting but I don’t want to chat for ages to then find that the chemistry really isn’t there, why does life have to be so complex?!

He did however send me a photo of him in blues and I've got to say that even in a uniform it wasn't his best look, I'm not sure he isn't hotter in his photos that real life but this one didn't make me want to grab hold of him and drag him to my bedroom....

Getting lots of messages again but struggling with being bothered with the boring chat currently, after yesterday I’m in need of a cuddle and maybe Prince Charming to fucking sort his shit out and appear in front of me! 

Wednesday, 2 August 2017

Another Week...............

Is halfway through.

No news from Cunt Face since Saturday (No surprises really) No news from the Cake Destroyer since late Sunday eve, however he is on exercise so I didn't expect to as I'm pretty sure that they aren't allowed phones (he's not been on Whatsapp since 5am Monday morning which seems to fit with me thinking they aren't allowed phones) so we'll see if I hear from him over the weekend when he's back, he was terribly complementary on Sunday after the date, so I've got no real reason to think he won't, however you know how this internet dating thing is these days, you are the best thing in the world one day and ghosted the next!

The sites are pretty busy with messages but I can't really be arsed at the moment, I'm totally bored of small talk and boring questions, maybe time to take a break? However when I take a break I kinda feel like I'm waiting for CF to get in touch and maybe I am a bit, I like having someone that messages me each day, the Cancerian in me needs to feel needed and it saves me making it all up in my vivid little imagination!

I've found it a bit odd not hearing from CD each day, as I have since we first matched, not messages all day like CF and I used to do but one first thing and then a couple more once he finishes work, however our messages are rarely short, they are always long and with substance which makes such a nice change (I did also check the Tinder distance and it's not moved so he's not looked on that since he left either) dating these days makes you a bit paranoid I think.

Mr Bumble has been in touch, he popped up saying that the serial dater needed some help, basically he's been chatting to a woman who's 'currently married' I said I'd need further details but turns out she's only been split with her husband a month ago, on that I said I wouldn't touch it, it's too soon and I think that anyone that can't have a bit of space in their lives after relationship (even more so a marriage) has issues but that I'm not like most and I regard marriage very highly and something that you should take seriously.

Anyway he's going for dinner with her tonight, she's suggested a posh seafood restaurant which he says he finds a bit odd, he also messaged last night to say he had a 'Whatsapp Date' I'm not entirely sure what that is but he says he'll fill me in and she'd asked what his favourite colour was (we joke that this is the most awful dating question ever, unless you are five years old) however I don't know if this is the same woman or a different one! He says the married woman is hot so he's going to see what happens, she also has a toddler and a lot of baggage so we'll see how that one goes.

He asked a question yesterday and it's kind of played on my mind a little bit, he asked if CD was a bit young for me (he's 29, 30 next months and I'm now 39) so it's 9 years between us. Mr Bumble is 31 so I asked if he felt I was too old for him, he said not at all, so I'm not sure why there is such a difference between someone who is 29 and someone who is 31? Is he too young for me?

Works been slow this week, which has given me rather a lot of time in my own head, which realistically is never good when you are me, I fell asleep on the sofa last night, I'm constantly tired, I do wonder if it's down to life just being so stressful in general, with work happenings the week before last and the rollercoaster that is my lack of a love life?

Monday, 31 July 2017

Cake Destroyer Date.......

So, my last update was Thursday, pre dinner with the BF's ex, we had a lovely evening, despite sulking about it BF didn't come, the ex accidentally sent him a message meant for me that said she was trying to put him off coming, apparently that went down a storm.

We talked a lot about them and the situation, she still loves my BF and always has but says she loves her husband too, this is a concept I can't really grasp, I don't understand being in love with two people, hopefully I never will as it sounds very confusing.

We had such a laugh, even without alcohol, she messaged me later telling me that I was just what she needed, my friends can generally rely on me to put a bit of realism to what they are doing, she said that she was glad she hadn't cheated on her husband, I told her that I thought that what they were doing was just as bad, for me having an emotional relationship with someone can be a lot worse than a physical one, it's a lot harder to get in my head than it is to get in my bed (not that, that is easy, if it were there would be a lot more to report here!) just look at the Cunt Face saga, he's never got into my bed but boy has he done some stuff with my head.

Talking of Dear Cunt Face, he's been quiet, not really anything new, he'll go quiet, pop up send me a barrage of messages, boom, he's gone, crazy that I still respond really, I'm not sure why I do, if I were giving myself advice I would be telling myself I was nuts and to keep well away........ he know's I'm up there Thursday and said he is on training and will check the times, I don't expect to hear from him or to see him, however you know I'd like to.

I had a great weekend, I went to the Rugby on Saturday with the Space Cadet, it's funny really we get on so well and I love him to bits but we would never have worked out, I'm actually glad that we ditched it when we did and have become such good friends.

Anyway, I said I would bake for Space Cadet as he was a right grumpy arse on Friday about the fact he's working too much (I don't think he is really, he doesn't like working - who does? and just gives more reasons to moan) so I made the Carrot Cake that Cake Destroyer had talked about with the intention of taking it Sunday and a batch of Brownies, as well as a mini Carrot Cake for SC.

I had giggles over the Carrot Cake, from our first message CD and I have been talking cake, so he said he would swap me guns for cake, I had asked him what cake he wanted and he said a Carrot Cake with a Walnut Face and a Cherry on the top, so that is exactly what I made, I posted a photo on Facebook (not mentioning what it was for) and my friends all said that they thought it looked a bit sinister or like the Wicker Man, which I thought was even funnier, we'd had a bit of a joke about my slightly scary cake in our messages.

I thought about asking him on Friday if we were still meeting on Sunday (the cake would have got a good home elsewhere anyway so it was no bother) but I decided that it was no biggie either way so I didn't. We continued chatting with these long messages that run Tinder out of characters.

On Saturday evening I got a message asking if I was still up for meeting, so I said yes, I actually felt a little excited about it, I think because we'd exchanged so many proper messages. He told me that he had to be back in the base by 6 so would need to leave by 4:30/5:00 to make sure he was, I suggested meeting around 2 saying that a couple of hours should give us plenty of time, he agreed. Based on my last date which lasted a whole 40 minutes (max!) quite often less than an hour is enough.

He checked on Sunday where we were meeting and I suggested where I had met the Bumble guy a couple of months ago, about 40 minutes from home and in the middleish, he suggested we swap numbers to make it easier, which we did.

So, we met, he looked like him, although again I'd say he was a little better in the photos that he was in real life but at least this time I recognised him straight off, I think he'll look nicer without the squaddie hair cut that he has to have currently, however when he finishes his basic training it shouldn't need to be quite so short, he looks better with a bit more hair.

We met around 2, he was a few minutes late, but we didn't leave until 5 which meant that he was cutting it a bit fine to get back in time.

We weren't lacking in conversation, he wasn't brilliant at eye contact and had some weird facial movements with his nose going on (like a twitch kinda thing) however he may well have been nervous so I'm not going to write him off for that just yet.

We talked about all sorts, he wanted to know about Cunt Face (we'd done best date/worst date) and also about the deaf guy that looked nothing like his photos, he said that his worst date had been with someone that told him how many people liked her and that she was arrogant and his best had been with someone he'd clicked with, I did say that the Cunt Face thing was a long story but kept it to the gruesome details, he said that he found it hard to believe that people would do something like that and how wrong it was, I, of course agreed, I didn't mention that CF and I are still in touch, seemed pointless and it's not like we talk all of the time.

Our moral compasses appear to point in the same direction, he knows about BF and the Ex, and like me can't see how you can love two people at the same time, he was talking about a couple of the guys that are on training with him and how they cheat on their girlfriends all the time without thinking about it and he thinks that's wrong.

Interestingly his brother met his wife online so he does have a bit more hope than me about it, as he's seen it work, although apparently in his best mans speech his Mum told him not to mention how they met, like it was a bad thing, I (and he) thought that was a bit silly as it was obviously a good thing and worked.

We talked about his ex, from what he said she was quite like W@nk Bag, she turned him into a person he wasn't, it was easier not to go out and not get the crap for it etc, I remember when I was with him, if I talked to his mates he used to accuse me of flirting with them and if I didn't he used to call me a miserable bitch, to the point of me just not going out as it wasn't worth the hassle or the argument it would have caused. He said that she used to make him video his mates if he was out to make sure that they weren't out with girls etc, a bit crazy!

As we were leaving, I asked if he wanted his Wicker Man Carrot Cake, he was a little surprised I think that I'd actually made it (I did say) I think he was genuinely a little taken aback by it (in a nice way)

We had a nice time, no immediate chemistry but I'd see him again, I got a message from him just after he got back saying that he make it just on time, he'd had a lovely time spent in my company, the cake was a surprise and my baking skills were 'on point' he said later he'd have happily spent more time with me if he could have (we were together 3 hours which I think is pretty good for a first date) anyway he's on exercise now for a week, so I don't expect to hear from him, which is a shame really.

He seems nice and genuine but I'm sure I'd have said the same about CF just over a year ago by this time last year I knew but he didn't know I knew quite yet, I remember the devastation I felt (it has literally just made me go cold thinking about it) it makes me a little sad that I still feel enough a year on to have that reaction to even thinking about it, I honestly thought he would have disappeared to a distant memory by now, although maybe it's hard to make them a memory when you keep thinking of them and you can't quite put them in the ditch they deserve to be in?

I am getting better, I don't think about him all day, every day now but I don't think there is a day when he doesn't have a little wander through my head, I know it will go away at some point, I honestly do I just wish it would hurry up.

Anyway, another week is upon us!

Thursday, 27 July 2017

A very long and tiring week........

I can't say it's because I'm rushed off my feet, actually if anything it's probably the polar opposite of that, I'm nor feeling it at the moment anyway, I'm not going to lie. I have decided that we probably can make things work if all of the offices change and mine isn't here anymore, so that's good news (I think)

Cunt Face has been decidedly quiet, I'm up there on a visit next week but I think it's highly unlikely that I'll get to see him, nothing new there then and the other friends I was hoping to catch up with are away, so I'm kinda regretting it now!

I have a date on Sunday, that's a bit of a shocker isn't it? I'm going to call him the Cake Destroyer, we matched on the 16th of July and it's very, very rare that I message first but I did, he was cute but his profile also said that he was a destroyer of cakes and I happen to be a cake baker, so I asked what his favourite cake was, he responded saying he could make an Olympic Sport out of it and asked what was my piece de resistance, which meant a few messages whizzed back and forth regarding cake, he then brought up lots of other questions and a nice, not the normal boring, what do you do kinda conversation ensued.

Messages have been whizzing back and forth daily for nearly two weeks now and did you know that Tinder has a character limit on messages? No? Neither did we, however we reached it, not something I thought would ever happen on Tinder!

So, he's 29 (I know, what's 10 years between friends?!) but will be 30 shortly, he's in the RAF as a new recruit after a career change, so he's currently in basic training, he's based (for now) about an hour and a quarter away from me, although after training could end up anywhere.

It's definitely the most articulate conversation that I have ever had, he's 5'11 so he's just under my height range but I could probably live with that, we've spoken every day I think.

He had a night out in Oxford last weekend, so I advised him on where he should go and he had a good night, he had made a couple of 'I've got the weekend off and I need things to do' about last weekend, however partly I didn't pick up on it and I was away anyway so that wouldn't have worked, although I had thought the other day that he hadn't got around to asking me out but looking back he had maybe hinted at it.

So, a couple of days ago I got a message saying that he was on duty Saturday but had Sunday off so would I like to meet up, I'm not really into weekend dating as I hate being disappointed at a weekend, however we seem to have a lot in common so I said yes, so Sunday we are meeting for a drink, we'll see how that goes eh?

I imagine it will turn out that either I won't like him, or I'll like him and he won't like me, which seems the way things work out for me!

He has said that he is bucking the Tinder trend and is going to find the perfect woman, so he's after Miss Right and I'm after Prince Charming, sounds like there are a lot of things that could go wrong here!!!

I'm out for dinner tonight with the Best Friends Ex, it sounds like BF still wants to come, even though the Car Salesman isn't, which I have to be honest I'm not very keen on, at least is CS was there it would take the pressure off of the situation a bit, I'm not up for playing piggy in the middle and the night was organised so that all four of us could catch up, should I stamp my feet?

Monday, 24 July 2017


It's a well known fact that I hate Monday's, this one feels particularly bad to be honest, I've been away for the weekend (spent it in a race truck) so I got zero sleep and I'm super tired.

No real updates, the ex has decided she isn't leaving the husband for the Best Friend, so that's done, although we are all supposed to be out this week, whether that will happen I don't know.

Cunt Face was in touch on Friday, with a rude meme, he's been quiet all weekend, I messaged him this morning (meme) and that's about it, I get twitchy when we are going into more days, I know where it is but it seems that my heart and my head are just not ready to communicate with each other, will they ever be when it comes to him?

I literally have willpower of steel, I can ignore anyone for months/years but he really effects me badly and I do hate it (primarily probably because so few people have that power over me) but then there is the other part where my body just responds to him when he's near me like it's the most natural thing in the world.

Few messages on the apps, Tinder, Bumble and POF all offering up men and messages but I'm just so past it at the moment.

I had a bit of a bombshell dropped at work last week, which meant I went home feeling rather miserable and sorry for myself, the short version is that I'm going to be spending a lot more time in Manchester (which is quite close to where he is) which kinda, really breaks my heart a little more, also it will cause me issues with one of my hobbies, as at certain times of the year I can't have nights away, which makes it impossible I guess, so I probably need to look for a new job but that could happen really anytime between now and December 2018, December 2017 being more likely.

The sad thing is that just over a year ago when he was talking about us being together and how I could move up there, that chance is really here now, however he isn't here with it, I use Timehop on my phone and it reminds me that this time last year I had been on that incredible date but that then I had found out about her and that everything he had ever told me had been a lie. I'd known from that second date that it was going to be one of those all consuming things, that you find so rarely in life, I'd felt it at the service station 10 days before but not quite in the strength that I had felt that day, I would have dropped everything and moved then which is pretty amazing for someone like me to say, I don't fall easily, I have lived with two men in my life, the first one had taken a year to move in together and was really out of necessity (my Mum was moving and I had to go somewhere so we kind of got swept together) and the second was with W'nk Bag, we'd already been together four years when he moved in and he moved in on me going 'this is either make or break' as we know it was break, just eight months later.

Blue Eyes and I dated for 12/18 months and when he decided he'd like to move in I decided it was time to move on, so this definitely isn't me and now I get the chance to do it all and he's not there, he's vague, not around, on and off, all of the things I know him as but it doesn't stop the 'what if' we could be having a new start now, but then he'd probably be cheating on me, just like he was on her, leopards don't change, I know that, that, however doesn't stop my heart beating out of my chest when his name pops up on my phone screen.

Funny isn't it, that if I was asking me for advice on this, my advice would be to keep the hell away from him...............

How different life could have been, if only he wasn't a lying cunt.

Thursday, 20 July 2017

Are all men just scumbags?

I'm seriously starting to think that this is the case, so we had the 5/6 on the Oxford night out, the married man on the Leicester night out, then this week I've had several Tinder messages that are pretty much or literally 'wanna fuck' now I get that it's Tinder but there must be others that use it for other things apart from getting laid? If I wanted to get laid I honestly wouldn't bother with an app, I'd just use the contacts in my phone and probably go somewhere I've already been (would keep the numbers down for one thing!)

On the number subject of numbers, I'm not sure if numbers are a thing or not but I always feel bad about mine, it's not massive but neither is it small - it's 14 for those of you that are curious) so I decided last year that my number if any potential partners ask is 9, and I'm sticking to that, the other five are insignificant/didn't mean a great deal/in the past etc so that's how it's going to be, it might stay at 9 now until I meet Prince Charming - I do fear though that I'll be Dead Princess by the time that happens.

Anywho someone from the past continues to appear, I'm sure I've written about him before, I was seeing him when I was young, oh so very young (17) he had a girlfriend (I know, I know) we used to spend lots of time together back then, he keeps popping up and seeing if I want to meet him, he messaged last night asking if I fancied dinner and a hotel, I messaged back today saying I found wives a bit of a turn off....... he said something about spontaneity, I'm not going to go there, ever but why do they have to do it?

Stingy keeps reappearing on the scene, he messaged yesterday apologising for missing my birthday as he was out at the ring - I do actually believe that this one is single, I know a fucking miracle but then he never manages meeting!

Space Cadet and I are talking about going on holiday together but then he asked for photo's of my boobs, weirdly this year has been the first time he has ever done that, his brother continues to message regularly.

The one I used to go to school with still messages and snapchats me, despite being back with the girlfriend.

The Best Friend and the Ex saga continues and the Best Friend has now chucked the Car Salesman back into the mix (who is now also married) don't get me wrong it's not like I'd go there again but they all want to meet for dinner next week, just like old times - If I'm honest I can't remember a lot of going out for dinner in those days, what I do remember is a lot of clubbing, sex, meeting up, trying not to let anyone from work clock what was going on between us and trying to time our entrances and exits at work so it didn't look like we'd spent the night together, oh happy times!

Have I heard from Cunt Face? No, oh I just realised that I used to call him Monkey Boy, so if you think they are different people they aren't!

Are they all scum bags or have I just had a really bad run of it?

Tuesday, 18 July 2017

Frog Princess V Drunk Princess and the battle of the messages!

So, here goes………………….

I didn’t want to do an update the week before last because I’d read a message on a forum he uses (he doesn’t and won’t know I can see that) saying that for the event he was going to he ‘didn’t have a girlfriend this weekend’ which I read as not having a girlfriend for the weekend, not, not having a girlfriend…………………. Which made me wonder what he’s up to again, does he have a girlfriend, I know he did earlier in the year, I know he took a girl to the 24 hour, I even said in my post that I was suspicious of it when he told me, will I ever know? Probably not to be honest.

It hurt, it always does but wasn’t the total crash of heartbreak that it has been in the past, maybe his magic is wearing a little?

So, last week was my birthday, it’s officially my last year in my 30’s, which is a bit of a shocker if I’m honest, how did I get that old? Thankfully I’m always being told that I look younger, however I’m conscious that I’m running out of time now (if I’d like a family, which to be honest I’m not sure about but the thought of writing it off forever, however my age could take that option out of my hands)

I had arranged to go out on the Saturday night in Oxford (my hometown and best loved places for a night out) with a few of my closest friends and was meeting up with some of the boys I used to go out with in my teenage years, which I was really looking forward to.

So out were two girl friends that I’ve known since I was a teenager, one has my goddaughter and I see regularly, the other I get on really well with but only really see each other a couple of times a year, on nights out largely, also out were the Best Friend and his ex (out separately for my birthday not with each other) who is also a good friend of mine, we had a good laugh and a giggle about the past and a nice catch up, I could see the Best Friend and his ex getting closer, she admits that she has always loved him.

However she is now married (to the man that cheated on her first time around and I can’t stand due to that fact) Best Friend still has the girlfriend that he doesn’t love but sees a couple of times a week out of convenience, of the two girl friends, one is married, one is single.

Eventually we met up with the boys, which were made up by a guy I used to snog for most of the two years I was at college, at least on a weekly basis (it never went any further) his brother, who dated one of the friends briefly, their cousin, who apparently used to like me, a mate of theirs who used to be a right player but always nice and a friend of theirs that I didn’t know, all of them in relationships or married.

Sooooo, we had a great night, I danced until 3am, may have had a little snog ‘for old times sake’ with the mate from college but that’s that, yes, he is married but I didn’t initiate it and it was literally a snog and then off I went to dance with someone or the bar or something, it meant nothing and I imagine that is what he does all the time, it’s certainly the impression I got.

Anyway, excellent night, quite a substantial hangover on the Sunday, we went for breakfast at 10 and all I could manage was toast, I couldn’t even finish that. I woke up and realised I’d messaged Cunt Face the night before, it took me about two hours for me to read the message that I’d sent, you just never know what is going to happen when drunk Princess takes over town!

Anyway on the journey home I was thinking about the night before, of six men that had been out, all were in relationships, of the six one had behaved and done nothing, five of the six hadn’t, lets be honest, that’s not good odd’s is it? It’s really made me think about things, if I were to meet someone, what is the chance that they would be that one in six?

So, back to the messaging of the Drunk Princess, to be fair she doesn’t get drunk massively often, which is good and when she does she tends not to text people because she knows she is a bloody liability and regrets being a twat the next morning but we all know I have this little piece of invisible string that ties me to him.

So, in the head of the Drunk Princess it was a good idea to send him a message asking if he was stopping in on the way home from the show and telling him that sometimes it’s better to have someone in your life in whatever guise that takes, which is totally true but normal Frog Princess probably wouldn’t have told him that and if she had would have almost definitely worded it better, surely you know though if you get a text like that at 2am that there is a Drunk Princess somewhere holding her throbbing little head and wishing she’d not sent it?

When I saw a message flash up on my phone on the way to breakfast I have to admit to not really believing he’d responded and if I’m honest not wanting to read the message, oh Drunken Princess whatever will we do with you?

It was a long message, first saying that he had to read it several times as he thought I’d called him Cunt Face, then saying that he’d realised I had, that he wouldn’t have time to stop as he had to pick his Mum up from hospital.

The long bit was that he was torn, he really wanted to progress things but isn’t sure he wouldn’t as he doesn’t know if it would work and isn’t ready for anything serious, he didn’t want to fuck me around after last times, enjoys my company, I’m lovely, blah…………………………. Probably one of the longest messages I’ve had from him.

Anyway I was feeling very hungover so left it for a bit, until I’d got home, got myself showered, in PJ’s and plonked myself on the sofa and then I put together a response.

I basically said that Cunt Face was now pretty much a term of endearment (my best friend/surrogate mum is called Slut Monster and calls me Bitch Monster) and that I was a bit drunk, fairly glad that he didn’t want to meet up as I was feeling pretty hungover and obviously hadn’t worded it very well but I meant that I would really like us to be friends, I’m glad we cleared the air and put the past behind us and that I’m likely to be doing trips up north quite a lot so it would be nice to meet up if he fancied it, another long message.

He responded saying ‘you tit I’ll ring you in a bit’ and I asked if that was meant for me, I didn’t expect him to ring, I’m used to him not doing what he says he will so I popped my head down and went to sleep (I often to that to stop myself staring at the bloody phone and ease my pained little heart a bit) I woke up to a missed call and a voicemail, saying he’d try later, I tried him and he didn’t answer.

Sooooooo, that was it for a week, I was good, never sent anymore messages, got on with things quite well, I’d love to say he doesn’t cross my mind, but he does and I’d be lying but it’s not all the time and really painful currently, it’s still too often and hurts though, more a bone ache than I just got stabbed in the fucking leg kinda hurt.

In that week I went on a date, he told me 20 minutes before meeting that he was hard of hearing, he then arrived at the pub and even walking up to me I couldn’t really recognise him, I reckon his photo’s are a good 10 years out of date, although with his hearing I struggled to understand him, it wasn’t easy, I was put off by him not looking how I expected and there was masses of silence, I lasted 40 minutes before telling him I wanted to miss the traffic, he asked if we could meet up again and I said no.

So, the birthday week was nice, I went to see some friends and people that I used to work with, which I loved but made me miss my old life, I had a couple of days at home and a fab day at a spa which was lovely, I’ve got to say that on my birthday I still had the pang of having no one special to spoil me but I have to say that some special people in my life did a brilliant job, I was getting dressed when the doorbell rang and a massive bouquet appeared from my boss, then flowers from another friend, followed by the friend I was going to the spa with arriving with flowers, getting home to flowers from another friend and then more turning up, my living room looks like a florist, however I absolutely love flowers, just a shame that they couldn’t have been spaced out to a bouquet a week!
The Spa day was amazing, it’s beautiful and some of the best treatments I’ve ever had at one of my favourite hotels followed by a brilliant little find of a pub for a lovely dinner.

He’d played on my mind a little, so much so that I’d had a nap on Friday afternoon to stop myself messaging him, however by Friday evening I wasn’t able to stop myself any longer and I text saying wasn’t he going to ring me, within about two minutes my phone rang and we had an hour long conversation.

General chat, flirting, etc, then he asked if I knew what he meant by his message, I played Blonde Princess, so he had to go over it, he said he really liked me blah, but he’s not sure if it would work with the distance I’d never trust him (not untrue that) he didn’t want to hurt me after what he’d done last time etc. I played like it was all ok, very cool.

I knew he was going to the Grand Prix on the Sunday (Don’t ask how I knew, I just did!) so I casually asked what he had planned for the weekend (expecting him to lie as the GP is VERY close to where I live)

He didn’t, he told me that a friend had given him a ticket, excellent I said, tell me how it goes as I’ve never been sure I wanted to go, he was probably a bit taken aback as I never mentioned meeting, he said he thought his mate might have invited him as he wanted a lift home but said that if he didn’t he’d pop in if that was ok, I told him that I was out Saturday but would probably be back so let me know.

As soon as we put the phone down he started messaging me and it all got a bit heated (as per) we messaged until around 2am again, he messaged me the next morning saying he hoped I’d slept well and I resisted responding until that evening, I kept it quite light hearted and jokey.
I went out Saturday night, in Leicester, with the person I’d been on holiday with last year, was the first time we’d seen each other after not getting on very well last on holiday, I hoped as it was one night it would be better but to be honest it wasn’t.

Again she was totally self absorbed, totally wants everyone to think she’s much younger than she is (she’s 53) and she turns into a total nightmare when she’s been drinking (she drinks a lot and probably has an issue, like everyday!)

So we sit down in this club, these guys come and sit down and one introduces himself to me, he notices my eye roll and tells me that he’s not chatting me up as he’s married and show’s me the ring, oh I think, maybe it won’t be so bad, they have several more friends come in and we chat a bit, where are you from, what do you do etc. Then they play the how old are you game, he tells me I must be much younger than him (he’s 37) and guesses I’m in my early 30’s, nice but you know boys, so they then guess hers and say early 40’s so she makes everyone guess and makes a big deal of how young she looks, does what she did on holiday, shows them photos of the kids and grandkids (that she hardly see’s) tells them way too much information and starts snogging one of them, now, one of them described her to me as going from 0-Slag in 20 minutes which is an apt description, there was nothing and no one she didn’t grind up against, it was a bit of an embarrassment really, the blokes (particularly the married one) kept touching and I kept moving away so she groped him as well as his mates, we got back to hers and I’d well and truly had enough of her and went to bed.

Got up four hours later with no hangover (probably because I’d not had a great time) I’d not intended to go to the racing but kinda needed cheering up and wasn’t keen on spending any more time with her, she was telling me how she keeps getting blocked on match…….. hmmmm, I wonder why! She’s also still telling everyone that she is shy and lacking in confidence, funny it’s not what I see! She’s still seeing her married boss, who’s married to her friend and continues to give her payrises and bonus’ but she thinks that’s ok, she is massively money oriented, when I found out what the man she snogged does I knew straight off she’d not be interested in him outside of lobbing herself at him that night, he’s a barman so he’s way beneath her and won’t earn enough, bearing in mind she works in accounts, had a big pay off from her ex husband and fucks her boss to make a living it’s a bit of double standards there!)

Anywho……. Sitting there Sunday morning I went through my options for the day, which were to go straight home (and wait to see if he messaged) to stay where I was then go home (and wait to see if he messaged) or to bugger off up the country to go and watch some bike racing with friends (and potentially miss him if wanted to meet) so, I couldn’t really be arsed to spend five hours in the car but knew I’d be disappointed if he didn’t turn up, which I thought was likely, so I used the ‘Fuck it’ analogy, which basically meant that I was going to watch the racing and if he did text it would be good for him to know that I wasn’t waiting around for him, so I told her I was going and asked if I could get a lift to my car (I had offered to drive to save us paying for two taxi’s) she said she’d just have a quick shower and she’d take me, she carried on talking, then had a shower, then washed and dried her hair and then straightened it, then she did her make up, it took forever to get to my car, I was getting a bit grumpy.

No, he didn’t message if you were wondering (not unexpected but still sinks the heart a bit, back to the dull aching of having sore bones!) but I had a great day, the sun was shining, it’s one of my favourite tracks (where he is going this week for a trackday) I got to see Guy Martin race, which is something I have wanted to do for years, he’s really too short, too hairy, too dirty for me but when you lob it all together it seems to make him really attractive! So it was all good really (well it was and it wasn’t, you know what I mean!)

While all this has been going on the Best Friend and his ex have been getting themselves into a bit of a mess, she still loves him and always has and now he’s decided that he might still feel the same which is all a bit messy, I got a bit angry with him on Sunday, partly because I think men are arseholes maybe, partly because I love them both and partly if I’m brutally honest because to see him get his Happily Ever After before Frog Princess does but that doesn’t mean I don’t want him to be happy because I do and I love them both. I worry that over the 10 years they were on and off that it didn’t work and that he wasn’t enough for her, he’s pretty non committal and very like me, she’s now settled with a man she says she loves, I honestly feel for her, he has nothing to lose, she does.

I messaged him this morning, saying that I love him and that I’ll support whatever decision they make together but asked that they thought it through and didn’t rush in before decision making as he has little to lose (a gf he’s not bothered about) and she has a lot, he agreed that I was right and thanked me, before we had quite a long messaging conversation. I guess she was also my hope that you can get over someone and move on with someone else, but that’s obviously not true and the fact that someone who states they are happy and has only been married just over a year can cheat on her husband and allegedly the man she loves, oh it’s all so confusing for my little Frog Princess head, I kinda prefer Drunk Princess, she thinks fuck the consequences much more than Frog Princess does! 

Thursday, 6 July 2017

I can't even..........

bear to update you to be honest, it's all made me just too, too sad for words at the moment.

Tuesday, 4 July 2017

My Week..........

No, of course he didn't rock up on Monday, he said that he'd had to book an earlier ferry, I told him that being friends was difficult when only one of us was participating, he said 'I know' and I wanted to punch him in the face with a chair.

Was a busy week with work, I was away in Manchester for two nights for meetings, so here's a funny story for you.

The Exec team that work for my boss get paid around £2m between them a year, sooooo I dragged £2m worth of staff from all around the country (Essex, Bristol, Scotland, Midlands) to a meeting in Manchester because I had hoped to see Cunt Face while I was there, however he was in France so I couldn't see him anyway, on top of the staff I booked two nights in a nice hotel, in the hope of getting to see him at some point in those three days, on top of that the hotel cost around £2000 for all of the rooms and another couple of thousand in planes, trains and cars, oh and dinner and did I get to see him? No, no I fucking didn't! 

Anyway, while I was in Manchester I caught up with a friend that I used to work with, we used to talk everyday at work and have kept in touch, she lives near Manchester. 

When we met she told me about her man troubles, why are they such idiots? She's seeing someone that can't make time for her regularly but thinks it's ok to go away for the weekend with his friends (and a single divorcee) I honestly don't know what is wrong with these men! 

On the subject of men being idiots, another friend had posted on Facebook this week that she had been speed dating and had a very similar experience to what I had when I tried several years ago, 18 decent looking, well turned out women with 18 men and not a decent one among them, one even told her after one minute that she wasn't 'his thing' and sat in silence for the next three minutes. 

So, in one week myself and two friends have experiences that totally echo mine on dating, now all three of us are women in our late 30's, all I would say fairly attractive, with good career's, not even jobs, real deal career's and yet still we can't find a decent man between us, two of us have no children, one has a great little girl, does it really need to be this hard?

We had a lovely evening in Manchester, largely taken up with discussions about men, she knew about Cunt Face from last time around and it was such a relief to finally tell someone and get it out of my head, we swapped a bit of advice (largely this was 'don't text him', 'you aren't mad', 'yes, I know you shouldn't but sometimes you just can't help it')

When we were talking advice I said that last year I'd have probably advised her differently, last year I would have told her to walk away and forget it but things have changed massively in this last year, I now realise that despite my mostly walking away from every thing and everyone that didn't tick all of my boxes, I'm not fussy, I've even walked away from my mother (it's a very long story and not for today) but I just can't do it, I want to but currently it's just not happening.

I know I give people too many chances, look at the Evil Twin for one, she's had more than anyone deserves really but that is the person I am and I can't change that, although I'm trying to get better and #bemorerudolf.

Mr Bumble had a little ginger flash, he had messaged me last weekend saying that he was in Northants on Monday so did I want to meet up, as I wasn't doing anything I agreed, he said his meeting should finish around 3:30 and then he'd wait around, cool I said. 

Monday lunchtime I got a message saying that his meeting had finished way early so he was going to head home, I was a little annoyed about this, largely because I had things to do after work, that I hadn't brought in with me as I thought I was going to have to rush straight off, so I didn't respond to him until Weds, when he suggested that we 'try again' I said that if we couldn't manage it in the same county then we probably didn't have much of a chance of making the distance work (he's in Surrey) he pretty much said he agreed, so that's that done, however he did get a bit stroppy with me this weekend, so I told him to get a grip, seriously men seem to have totally missed the dating etiquette part of the book!

So, I came back on Friday, I can honestly say that I spent most of the time I was up there being annoyed that I was up there when he wasn't and still I wasn't going to get to see him, men are bloody annoying! As I went up I passed the place we'd had our second date, which caused tears, mainly angry one's I think, I went out for dinner with our senior team on the Weds night and spent it largely angry, thinking what ungrateful brats they were when they were talking about their bonus etc (it's a big one and when you earn what they do it's pretty massive!) I pushed through it and the meeting and eventually getting home at around 7 on Friday night, exhausted. 

On Saturday I was due to go to the Superbikes to see my friends race, was struggling to decide on which day to go and had decided on Saturday so that I could have Sunday to do nothing at home and had told them I wasn't staying so that I could have Sunday without having to wake up. 

I felt rubbish on Saturday morning, it took me ages to get going (my Dr thinks I have CFS and we've been discussing it for years now, I struggle massively with tiredness and could sleep for days) and I eventually got there about 1, I opened my Snapchat to take a video and in the stories was his, a photo of him with a packed car, heading home from France. 

I debated messaging him, thought no, you are nuts, don't do it, no, message him, don't do it, what have you got to lose apart from your dignity, which you have obviously already lost with this one, no, don't do it, ah fuck it, whats the worst that can happen? 

Realistically the worst that could happen was for him to not respond or to respond saying no but as they say; you've got to be in it to win it. So I messaged him:

'Fancy stopping for a drink on your way through?' 

Within 15 minutes I had a message flash up, that heart stopping feeling of knowing that they are about to shatter your dreams, the I don't think I can read that because I know what it's going to be. 

Well, it wasn't, it wasn't what I expected at all, it was a bit weirdly worded but not what I expected, I got

'where would you like to meet you lovely big breasted chum of mine' 

I wasn't really sure how to take it, so I kind of took it that he got 'chum' in so I knew it was as friends, however there was part of me that was hoping that we'd meet and I would feel nothing for him, in the last year we have been through a lot and it's been an emotional roller coaster.

Messages went back and forth over what time to meet, he said he thought about 10:30 as it was around 2.5 hours from the ferry terminal, I obviously needed to leave the racing a bit earlier than planned (I wished I'd made a bit of an effort for racing that day, put a bit of makeup on, done my hair but I was tired and I hadn't! so I wanted enough time to get home, shower and change and get back out, all while appearing like I had come straight from racing ;-) 

I decided to leave at 6 to be home by around 8:30, giving me a little time to sort my act out, I was on edge all day after that, still not certain he'd turn up, in fact I expected him not to and to fob me off later. 

As I was walking out of the circuit I got a message from him saying that he'd not been allowed on his ferry as it had left 40 minutes early so was driving to Dunkirk to get on another one as the next one at Calais wasn't until 11pm, I thought that was his get out, it will be too late but he just said it would be later and about midnight, I don't think I cared terribly about the time, I just wanted to see him. 

We messaged a lot of the journey home, a bit matey, a bit flirty. 

I got home and sorted my act out, I tried on about four outfits and decided on a black cold shoulder dress, which looked like it could have been suitable for spending a day racing (when actually for racing I'd worn a denim skirt, vest top and flip flops, hair scraped back and no makeup) a bit of makeup, although that bit wasn't easy as I'd been burned in the day. 

I'm not feeling very happy with myself at the moment, I'd lost nearly two stone last year and looked pretty good, however it's all been going back on and I'm now over a stone back up and I look at myself and just see a fat, horrible person, I really do eat my feelings and it's not good, so I'm not feeling as confident as I was when I saw him in August, not helpful but it is what it is. 

Even on the journey I didn't know that he would show up, lets be honest, he's not exactly Mr Reliable is he? I pulled into the car park, at the services where we had first met nearly a year ago and I spotted his car, he was there, I couldn't really believe it and the nerves were all over the place, I pulled up with a space in between us and got out of the car, the first thing he did was cuddle me, I mean a proper cuddle, the kind of cuddle I've been needing for so long, he's a really good cuddler, it's a skill missing from a lot of people these days, they tend to do hugging and hugging and cuddling are two very different things. 

We walked into the services chatting away, got a drink and sat down, the conversation was pretty general, something was said about lying and he said he'd made that mistake with me once before and wasn't heading there again! I said I wasn't going to bring it up he said he thought he'd get in first.

A girl was mentioned a couple of times, not a girlfriend he said but a girl friend, that had gone to Le Mans with them, I knew there had been as I'd seen a photo of him, with a girl behind him, blonde which seems to be his thing, definitely less weight on her than me, he talked about her as a friend but you don't know do you? Especially with someone that has lied to you before.

I don't think he totally believed me that he was stored in my phone as Cunt Face, so he sent me a message and it popped up, he believes me now! 

It was nice, I didn't feel quite the pull that I had on previous occasions but there was still something rather big there looming, I just want to touch him, looking at that it makes it sound weird, but that's not how I mean it. I did look at him several times and think that looks wise he isn't my thing but I guess like with W@nk Bag before him that's how it happens, the person that isn't your type to look at is the one that ends up being the only person to ever break your heart, surely it should be the hotties breaking your heart?

We walked out to the cars and he asked if we were friends now, he again apologised for what he had done,  I agreed that we were and he put his arm around me as we walked to the cars, he kept hugging me, we kept saying goodbye and then walking back towards each other, it was a bit ridiculous really if you'd had been there people watching. 

And then he kissed me, or I kissed him maybe? I think he kissed me but one of us kissed the other one and everything I had been trying to block out flowed through every bit of me, I literally wanted him so much. He's a pretty shit hot kisser too. 

Unluckily (or luckily maybe) my period had arrived that morning (10 days early, maybe someone was trying to tell me something?) he obviously doesn't know that is the reason. I dread to think what might have happened (and I'm equally quite gutted that we didn't get the chance) it all got a bit heated, he was quite surprised when I'd remembered the thing that makes him go a little crazy and I slid my hand down his neck, well it still works! 

It all got a bit heated, it does between us I guess, it's all good until he touches me and then it's game over, we eventually left (a load of caravans had arrived at the car park, if they were people watching like I do they would have definitely thought we were having an affair, two cars in a car park and two people that can't keep their hands off each other!)

He took my hand and popped it onto his groin, his body was pretty obviously reacting in the same way that mine was, I mentioned that always seems to happen when we are together and he blamed it on the 'hot blonde standing in front of him!

As soon as I left, before I'd got out of the slip road he'd messaged me with an emoji which according to google is the no emotion emoji! I responded with a ?? to which he said I was a tease, a whirl of messages went back and forth along with a whirl of emotions (my end for sure, who know's about his) it was gone 3am when we stopped talking and he said goodnight, I left it with him sending the last message but I had hoped he'd send a further message on Sunday, yeah he didn't.

When we were talking he said he was at the car show in Peterborough on the weekend and he might pop in on the way back if he wasn't too tired, I can't imagine he will but I can always hope to be surprised can't I? It was the same car show that let him out last year, when he said he didn't know where it was but he did and the girlfriend was going with him, I don't let myself forget what he's done, or the lies that he's told but that doesn't make shutting him out any easier.

I spent Sunday in a happy little bubble (still waiting for messages but a happy bubble at that) thinking back to the night before and those feelings that I just can't let go.

I've been pretty good really, I didn't message him today, just a casual message asking how it was to be back at work, he said shit and sent a meme, not heard from him since, I hate seeing that screen without a message on, it really does drive me a little bit bonkers, but to be fair I'm pretty limited in what I can do apart from wait. 

On Saturday he'd told me that he was going to a Trackday at one of my favourite tracks, I saw which company were doing it and knew that it was likely that one of my old members of staff might be working it, I dropped him a message and asked him if he'd go and give him some instruction on the day, which he says he will, I'm maybe too nice but I really do like doing nice things for people when I can, it's a small thing but if it was me I would be delighted to get some free instruction from a really amazing instructor like my friend is (he is one of my top three, not an easy place to get to!)

I did joke with my friend that the friend I want him to instruct spends a lot of time on my kill list and therefore I may want him to aim the car at the barrier and then jump out sending Cunt Face (he doesn't know that's his name!) through the barrier!

Happy is probably going to stop any time soon, I'm fully aware of that, maybe, just maybe it will be different this time?

Friday, 23 June 2017

The response came............

Only 24 hours after I'd sent the message, he said he'd only just seen it (bullshit) and that he's going past again Monday and coming back the following weekend, so 'can then if you fancy'

I didn't respond until today, saying that Monday would be ok, I still imagine that he won't rock up!

Mr Bumble has been quiet, say's he's been busy which he probably has but I'm crap with silence, I'm always fast in my responses but I'm taking my time now, which is obviously annoying him as he then sends further messages!

Men are fucking idiots!

Wednesday, 21 June 2017

A tough night...............

Did the message come? Of course it didn't, I knew, really deep down that it wouldn't but that doesn't mean that I didn't desperately want it to.

So, the evening was spent with some tears, feeling rather sorry for myself to be honest, if I checked my phone I checked it a million times but the message didn't come, I know he'd been online as he'd updated his Instagram (I know, I know!) 

Mr Bumble has been quiet but to be fair I have brought back a rule of mine that I have been neglecting for some time now.

In December I saw this little picture and on seeing it I decided that instead of not making a New Years Resolution like normal that this year I would make one, that resolution was to #bemorerudolf which essentially means that I will try to treat people how they treat me, if they take ages to respond I do the same, if they look after me when I need it, I'll do the same, if they don't treat me very well, I'll do the same. It's been a bit of an eye opener really and it's making my circle a lot smaller but is that a bad thing? 
Some examples of how #bemorerudolf work are the Evil Twin, she wasn't around when I needed her in December, you'll note this is a theme, I'm there for her, she's not there for me, so I've not messaged her since Xmas and guess what? She's not messaged me either, so six months along and we've not spoken, funny that eh? 

In January, I arranged to go to the cinema and for dinner and catch up with a friend, she then invited other people (that I didn't know) so when she asked about tickets in a group chat (I hate group chat anyway) I private messaged her and told her I wasn't going, she didn't seem to get the idea and we've spoken very little since, had she asked I would have been fine with it but people seem to have no manners these days. 

Anyway, back to Mr Bumble, I sent the last message (unread) so when he messages I will ensure that I don't do my usual and message straight back, to be fair one of the reasons I message straight back is because I forget about it if I don't. 

I still feel a bit down in the dumps today to be honest, I wish I was brave enough to take myself off on holiday by myself but unfortunately I'm not, I kind of want to escape myself and my head but sadly it's the thing that you can't get away from. 

Will another message come? Maybe, who knows, maybe when he needs something, or someone? Maybe when the new girlfriend bins him? Will I run to him? Time will tell I guess. 

Tuesday, 20 June 2017

Sometimes when............

You send a message and your heart beats louder, harder and sits in your throat, really you know that if you do get a response it won't be the one you want and that you probably won't but there is still that stupid part of you that wants the response to say what it does in your head.

That's where I am now, he sent me a message saying he was on his way back (to my message asking if he was home) I sent a message asking if he fancied a stop at the services for a drink on the way back.

I know I probably won't get an answer and if I do it's likely to say that he's already home or hasn't got time or something like that, I also know that I'm sat in the office with work clothes that I wouldn't want him to see me in really and hair that I didn't wash this morning because I couldn't be arsed and wasn't going anywhere special (it's not dirty but not how I'd want him to see it) I know that I've put weight on and feel no where near as good about myself since I last saw him.

I also know that there is a massive part of me that desperately wants to see his face, to see if that electricity is still there between us when we touch, for the last time I saw him to not have ended with me sobbing for the whole of the two and a half hour journey home, for me to see him and wonder what I saw in him, but mainly for that feeling of the whole zoo instead of butterflies.

I know it's unlikely, I know he'll have a whole host of excuses but as I said, maybe, just maybe I have to stop trying to no get myself hurt and open up to whatever could be a little? (I'm not sure I really mean him in that if I'm honest, maybe just people in )

I can see he's online on Whatsapp, he's just reappeared (I know, I'm sad, I have his Whatsapp screen stood up on my desk facing me so that I could see if he had been on) he's not read the message yet, those all important two blue ticks aren't there, but he could have read it because he's online so he's probably seen it (does it say online when you aren't looking at the app? I don't know) My heart is literally sitting in my mouth, why do we put ourselves through this when we know what the outcome is? It's not like he's not had the chances is it? I would literally ditch work at this moment and go and meet him and yet he won't stop on the way through (I imagine there is probably a girl with him anyway to be honest, however I can't let my heart believe that at the moment, although it took absolute proof for me to believe about the girlfriend last time.

I know it sounds like I'm a stupid, silly girl but I'm really not, I'm a fiercely independent woman who doesn't need a man in her life and has managed on my own for most of the last seven years but I can't get over that feeling, that feeling that I could have dropped everything for him, that I couldn't stop myself from touching him, something that I have seldom felt in my life and how it was ripped away from me, I know people that fall in love all the time but I'm not one of them, I'm sure it's easier if you are more used to it.

For once, why can't I feel that with someone that feels the same? Normally I don't get the electricity, I don't get the butterflies, let alone the zoo, for once I thought it was my turn, even if he lives miles away and it would have been awkward, I was prepared for that, I was prepared for it all and probably for the first time in my life ready to not have control over something.

I literally can't take my eyes off the phone, even as I write this I can see it out of the corner of my eye, if we have guardian angels etc I would really like one of them to give me a fucking break this time!

That horrible feeling....................

I spent the weekend with friends, which was nice, nothing to report really, various messages from various people, nothing exciting.

Mr Bumble has asked when he can see me again but nothing has been booked in as yet.

He messaged this morning to say I had been quiet so I sent him the following message, considering that I had sent the last message before saying I was quiet!

Hang on, kinda seems like you don't know how messaging works, a little lesson?
Please note that there are certain circumstances in which the following doesn't apply but this forms a general rule.

Person A messages Person B
Person B messages Person A
Person A messages Person B
Person B messages Person A
Person A messages Person B
Person B messages Person A

And so on!

I had some messages yesterday from the one with the girlfriend from last year and I didn't get much notice of them until this morning, when I was talking about a work event and realised the date, I have to say my heart hurts a little bit now.

He told me he was going home today (from Le Mans) but going to France again for a week on Monday, excellent I thought, he'll be back for when I go to Manchester for work (which if I'm honest was the reason I set the meeting up in Manchester and decided to stay for two nights instead of the one that I would normally do it in)

So, talking through diaries this morning with a colleague and I realise that I'm a week out and the Manchester trip is next week, when he'll be in France so again I won't see him, my heart sank, that's probably my last chance of being there for some time now, so I need to try to stop my heart hurting now and try again to get past it.

The thing with electricity is that it gives you all you need, it lights up your world when it's dark, keeps you warm when it's cold but it's dangerous to play with and can seriously hurt and kill you when it goes wrong, boy did it go wrong.

I can't get that bit of electricity that there as between us out of my head.

I need to go cold turkey with this one, I know that but I struggle so much with him, when I see his name flash up (I say his name but he is actually stored in my phone at Cunt Face, he knows this) it literally makes my heart beat faster, something that is a real rarity for me.

If you are reading the blog, please leave a comment, so I know I'm not just talking to myself (which is fine if I am!)

Friday, 16 June 2017

Second Date with Mr Bumble.........

I had a message on Tuesday evening to say that Mr Bumble's Wednesday meeting had cancelled and was I still ok to meet in London.

So we did, it was a beautiful day, I'd been indoors all day at a meeting which was pretty boring, so it was nice to get in the sun.

I quite like that he's always on time, he said that he's never late which is a trait that I quite like (although it maybe verges on reliable which isn't something that seems to suit me well later on!) he also came to where I was to meet me, despite me saying that I could meet him elsewhere.

Due to the weather it was unbelievably busy and I wanted to be outside, it took us a while to find a pub and we did a fair bit of walking, we eventually had dinner in a quieter part of London before leaving to go home around 10pm, it was a nice evening, we do get on well, no fireworks, butterflies or zoo's though, maybe it needs some time?

He did put his arm around me at one point but it was a little awkward as it was the side that my bag was on, he didn't go in for a kiss though, although we did hug on meeting and leaving, as I left he said he would like to do it again soon.

Have heard from him since.

On the way back I got a message from Prince Harry, he messaged to tell me that he has been posted, he was expecting a posting to Essex, which is one of the many reasons why when we met in January I couldn't see the point of meeting up again, he has however been posted to a lot nearer, probably about half an hour from me and has been saying that he would like us to see each other again, I, on the other hand am really not so sure!

Someone else has also appeared back with a message on POF, someone that I had chatted to for a bit last year, nothing to really report there.

Had some messages from 22, just general how are you, what have you been up to etc, it's nice, I find it quite sweet that he keeps in touch, makes it feel better!

Still talking intermittently to Cunt Face/Monkey Boy from last year, with the girlfriend, who no longer has THE girlfriend but could possibly have another by now, who knows eh? He's out at Le Mans for the 24 hour, he goes every year, used to go with his dad before he died, now goes with friend but came back last year in a bit of a state as it was the first one without his dad, I'm trying really hard to leave the responses so that they aren't straight away but I massively struggle with it, I am delighted when I get a message from him, it just makes me feel differently, I can't get past how I felt, don't get me wrong, I'm sure in time that would have faded and changed had it gone further but we didn't get chance to see that through, so it hasn't changed.

We chatted a bit on Tuesday evening, he was leaving for Le Mans on Weds, he sent the last message, with my plan not to respond until next week, however I got another message on Weds morning saying that he was now coming back next week, instead of July as he had planned, I asked why and he said that his Nan had died, I offered my condolences and just said that if he needed anything he know's where I am, which I got a thanks for.

I hope he wants to meet when I'm in Manchester at the end of the month, part of me desperately wants for me to see him and feel nothing, the other wants for there to be the full Sydney New Years Eve Fireworks display that happened on that fateful July day when we had our second date, I'm pretty sure that there will be an excuse as to why he can't meet me.

I'm not a girl that normally puts my heart on the line like this but I kind of think that when you get those feelings you maybe need to, the worst that can happen is that your heart can be broken, maybe sometimes you do have to let that happen?

Oh, a couple of weeks ago I ran into W@nk Bag in town on my lunch, I felt nothing, for the first time in seven years, no sick feeling, no anger, nothing and it was a BEAUTIFUL feeling, any power he had is gone, he's got fatter, he's as grey as it gets (I mean dull, boring, grey haired grey, not Mr Grey!)

Monday, 12 June 2017

Internet dating is terrible, just terrible............................

It is massively hard work for very little return, I don't believe for one minute that it is just me that has this problem.

I get LOADS of matches and then lots of chats but it turns into little or no dates and when there are dates it is with flaky people, yes, lets go out, oh I've double booked, sorry can we reschedule, etc. 

Sooooo, I've been on two dates with this guy that was really keen to meet, so much that date one he was asking if we could bring it forward as he was excited, we met, he was quite nice, asked if we could meet again before we left and messaged as soon as he arrived home. 

We continued to chat and met up for a second time, to be honest I liked him more the first time but it was after work, I'd been up since 5 and he was in his work clothes (I, on the other hand had been working an event and was in a dress, makeup and heels) 

We had a couple of hours and then he dropped me at the station to head home, he kissed me goodbye (he was a bit keen really) and off I went, I got a message from him on the way home to say he'd really enjoyed it and when could we meet up again. 

Anyway, since then he's fucked me around, making plans to meet yesterday, then not answering where we were meeting and a time so I told him to piss off, he has now wasted two of my days that could have been used for something else, that is more than enough.

He keeps getting back in touch, asking for one last chance and he likes me and blah, blah, blah........

I've had a date with another one, we'll call him Mr Bumble (you'll never guess which app we met on?!) We matched on the 22nd May (I didn't know that, he told me) what I didn't know when we matched was that he was on a business trip, which meant that he appeared much closer than he he is in real life, however he didn't reveal this little bit of info for a couple of days, we chatted on the app for a bit and then we exchanged numbers and whatsapped.

The problem being that he was working about 45 minutes away from me but he lives about two hours away from me, so that's an obvious stumbling block, however we seemed to get on well and he said he'd like to meet up.

I had a meeting in London last week and he suggested we meet there, unlike the last one, he confirmed before the date (even told me he was excited to meet me) he chose the meeting venue and messaged me to tell me that he was so eager that he had got there early, we met and got on really well, I'm not sure that there were any sparks but I'm also not sure that happens on a first date much in real life? It's only happened to me once in the last seven years after all!

He's not really tall enough at 5'10, he's VERY ginger, fairly small build, he is a lycra clad lane hogger, the kind of person that spends there weekends holding me up in the car but he seems quite nice, he messaged me before I got home to say he enjoyed meeting me in '3d' and would like to do it again soon, he asked me last night when I was in London again but I'm in the day this week that he can't do due to work, so that won't happen.

I have been calling him the serial dater, as he had three other dates the week we met and had another at the weekend, he tells me about them but when I ask about them he always tells me that they are 'ok' or a maximum of a three star (it's a bit of an on going joke!) last night he joked that a whole chapter of his book would be about Miss Bumble, so I asked him what it would say, he gave a brief description of our meeting and said that the 'handsome man (ha) wants more but gets mixed signals' which I guess is his way of telling me he doesn't really know where he is but I do think that the distance will make things difficult anyway, so we will see. 

Been chatting to a few others but I can honestly say that I'm pretty bored of it, nothing seems to work out and I'm not sure that there are any decent men around anymore, it's a shame really, I've had 7 years now where I have been pretty much single and I'm starting to hate the male population.

Cunt Face still pop's up from time to time, completely full on and then completely full off, he totally fucks with my head to be honest but I still can't get past how I felt when I was with him, the song 'Starving' pretty much sums up my feelings on that one 'I didn't know that I was starving till I tasted you, Don't need no butterflies when you give me the whole damn zoo' Oh I am bloody brilliant at picking them! 

Tuesday, 31 January 2017


is here, I'm back to work and loving that, as you do!

The dating grind goes forward, the guy I met for a drink two weeks ago wanted to go out again and in the spirit of everyone telling me I don't give things enough time I thought I'd say yes, which I did, so he then text me on the day saying that he needed to rearrange as he was going to London for work for the rest of the week, I kind of used that as my get out and told him (truthfully) that I hate last minute and as he'd now cancelled last minute twice (he'd had a car accident before Christmas and cancelled the same day again) that I don't have a great deal of time etc, he told me that I had no idea how much he wanted to get to know me better etc but I don't think I can be bothered to give it another chance, also he's REALLY close to his sister, if you ask me it's a bit creepily close (he told me several times about it on date one which I felt was a bit of overkill really, he also told me twice that she'd nearly died) I've no real issues with someone being close to their family but there are extremes, he lives with her, they work together, holiday together, go out together, I kinda had visions of waking up of a morning to find the sister staring from the side of the bed, I've just not answered his last message from last week.

I am due to see Prince Harry again tonight, again not really sure why I am going (apart from the fact that he's fit!) as I can't see that there is much there as I've not seen him since last year, despite him keep asking, although again err'ing on the side of 'it takes time' I'm going to give it a go.

I saw PH, to be fair he looked hot, we got on ok, he's quite sweet when he's not trying quite so hard to get into my knickers, he suggested following me back to mine, I declined, I'm just not sure, not sure at all!

Monday, 9 January 2017


came and went, I had poorly kittens, which kept me stressed, sobbing and alone, promising huh?!

Had a date last week, a guy from before Christmas, he was nice enough, smelt nice too, did I want to get his clothes off? Sadly not, he wants to go out again, do I go? I don't know what to do if I'm honest, can chemistry come? I know it can be there at the start, I felt it on that evening in a service station in July but can it develop?

Dating is hard work, lots of number collectors and ghosts around these days!