When your heart and head are in opposition.....

I don’t really have a great deal to report currently, I was supposed to have a date with a Bumble match next week but work have put paid to that by changing the meeting I was going to and with there being a significant distance between us rearranging isn’t terribly easy, however so far we appear to have quite a lot in common so we will see!

I’ve had a bit of a wobble this week, I’ve seen some updates on Instagram of Cunt Face’s and I can tell from them that he’s having a bad time, there is still a part of me that wants to reach out to him but I know that no good will come from that, it never has. There have been a couple of times this week that I have had to quite literally step away from my phone to stop me sending a message.

I’ve done the whole depression thing several times, I know how hard it is and I think that’s what makes me want to get in contact, it was me who told him what it was when it was happening last year but it was also me that supported him through it, got him to go and see his doctor and encouraged him to get some help, all while he had a girlfriend that I knew nothing about.

While I would like to think that it’s Karma doing it’s job I don’t believe that depression happens as a result of your actions, it happens to good people too and is just a horrible thing that actually never really goes away, it’s just better or worse at times.

I nearly broke this morning, I don’t know why, I wasn’t even thinking of him when it popped into my head to message him, I did get rid of it but currently it’s in my mind, I have no idea why, we have had no contact now in over two months and I really do intend to keep it that way, it’s not even that I see a future in it, it’s been a long time since I’ve been at that point with him, I guess I just find it hard to switch off caring about someone.

Don’t think from that statement that I’m a pushover, by no means am I, in fact those closest to me would tell you quite the opposite but then it’s rare that even those people ever see me break, I don’t take people into my life and heart easily at all, I can walk away from anyone and anything but that doesn’t mean I find it an easy thing to do.

My heart and head are in opposition but I know I wouldn't trust another muscle in my body to make decisions meant for my head and it's rare that my heart makes good decisions, with W@nk Bag for example, my heart spend five years telling me that's where I needed to be, until one day my head managed to overrule it and make a sensible (although heart breaking) decision. 

In other news Procurement Guy continues to be in touch at work and we are meant to be doing a venue visit together next week, he has offered a cheese toastie as bribery, does he know that cheese is ultimately the way to my heart?

The hot Welsh Tennis Coach has reappeared (this is a super original name as he is Welsh, lives in Wales and is a Tennis Coach!) he does this quite often and we have never really lost contact, I’m not sure I wrote about him at the time (about 18 months ago) as we never got to meeting, we were going to then he met someone, he told me and I was happy for him, he then decided he wanted to be friends, which I was also cool with, then he decided she wouldn’t like it if we were, I was cool with that too, I’ll talk more about him some other time. 

Manchester, Racing and a pickled brain…….

Tuesday’s update already seems like a lifetime away, although there isn’t a great deal to report really.

I spent the three days in Manchester as planned and went out on Tuesday with my friend that I used to work with, she was the one having man trouble last time and it seems to have sorted itself out, which is good news, we had dinner and a drink in a new cocktail bar which was nice.

I think I may have got asked out by one of the guys that works there, that was a bit odd, I brushed it off, he’s not my thing but I think we could probably be friends.

Cake Destroyer graduated last week, he sent me a photo of him in uniform and I have to say that he looked really good, although so did his mate who was also in the photo and a few inches taller, only he was smiling in the photo though and he does have a lovely smile.

I have a funny feeling that date three isn’t going to happen, Cake Destroyer’s messages have stuck at one a day, it’s been over a week now since I’ve had more than one, they are all really long still but I can’t say that I’m not finding it hugely frustrating and off putting but then I get a message and for a few minutes all of my reservations disappear.

Thursday’s date didn’t happen, he’s now not starting Phase 2 today, he’s being held until October, which means he didn’t get sent home on Thursday (so we could meet) but it means that he’s now been given a week’s leave, so he’s not around again, which seems to be becoming a bit of a habit. He says this is good as he’ll be around for a bit longer, I’m not so sure.

So, he suggested that we do something this weekend coming (we’ve talked of him coming over and us having a whirl at emptying my alcohol cupboard which is hugely overstocked for someone that doesn’t drink at home unless she has guests and she doesn’t generally) however I’m busy, so that won’t work, I’ve now suggested that we meet up this week when he’s off, he’s suggested Wednesday, guess what? I’m busy Wednesday……… I’m starting to become really frustrated with it, does he actually want to see me? And if he does why isn’t he making it happen?

His messages don’t tell me he’s not interested, they are in the same vein, only now there are less of them, if he’s not interested any more would he not just tell me? Well no, because that’s not how dating works today, today people just string you along and keep you as a back up plan, in case whatever else they are up to doesn’t work out because that is dating in 2017.

We’ll see I guess? I’m trying not to answer this morning’s 09:30 message, as I know it means that I probably won’t get a response until tomorrow, which will annoy me a bit more but I struggle with it being sat there on my phone, I want to answer it, I’ve now started typing, which means that I won’t be able to not send it, ah man I need to have a word with myself.

So, I spent a fair bit of time this weekend with New Mechanic (and the rest of the crew obviously) not sure he’s really my thing looks wise (although he is tall and dark) but I won’t have seen him at his best as when I see him he’s working and in team gear, however the smoking is pretty much a deal breaker for me. Saturday was a bit odd, I was outside as they were setting off for the race, he came and gave me a hug as I’d picked up something for him on the way after he’d messaged me that morning, as he went off to the grid he then came and kissed me on the cheek, thankfully not many of our lot were around to see it as I’m not quite sure what they would have thought of it!

He came and gave me a hug goodbye as we were all leaving yesterday and said ‘I’ll message you’ and he has today, just general stuff that we were chatting about at the weekend. There is more racing this weekend but it’s back in Cheshire, I could only go Sunday due to being out Saturday night and already I feel like I can’t be arsed, however being busy keeps my mind off my phone.

Dating sites are off the hook and my Whatsapp looks like the ghosts of dating past, this is down to (apparently) the fact that it’s ‘Cuffing Season’ which is the time between summer and winter when everyone wants to find a mate for the winter, it certainly seems to be the case.

Prince Harry is obviously back from Block Leave as he sent me some messages last week asking if I’d like to meet up, I told him that in the four dates we’ve had it’s not worked out, so I don’t see that changing, he’s told me he’s now closer (less than 20 miles) and he’s stationed here for the next two years, I’m totally not sold on seeing him again, he’s hotter in his photos than in real life and his personality leaves a lot to be desired, I’m not sure he’s ever made me laugh on any of the four dates that we had so I think I can probably leave that one without worrying that I have made the wrong decision.

Car Salesman got in touch last week, saying his wife had told him to sort his shit out or they'd be getting a divorce, he say's he's trying. We chatted a bit, told him about CD, he say's I should give him a chance and it's really nice to hear me talk about him like that, I did say he's doing my head in. He said that he thinks he's a very lucky man if I like him, he said he feels like the 'defender of the buff 29 year old RAF man' which made me laugh as it's not how I'd describe him at all (he's not seen photos, this is just what he's made up in his head) he also said 'You are fucking amazing, I hope he can see that' which is really kind but the fact that it's coming from him sours it a little, he couldn't see it back then, he couldn't see it before he went off and fucked my mate, if he couldn't see it 18 years ago, when I was younger, prettier, thinner then why should CD be able to see it now, after two dates and a load of messages?

Cunt Face hasn't been in touch but does keep posting stories on SnapChat, never with someone else in them, but two slices of cake, two pizza's, who's that twat trying to kid?! I want to scream 'I know, I fucking know, stop lying' but I know it's not worth it, like with W@nk Bag sometimes you need to realise that you'll never get the answer you deserve, you'll never get the truth, just another twisted version of the lies you've already heard, learning to give it up is the hardest part. I spent ages trying to get W@nk Bag to be honest but eventually I faced the reality that it was never going to come and then started to move on, it was a long and painful process, thankfully with CF it won't take as long, five years of my life and two dates are massively different time periods, just a shame that he spent the best part of 18 months fucking with my feelings and even then couldn't do honesty. 

I’m definitely not short of offers but it’s very much like my wardrobe, plenty of choice but still nothing to wear, pretty fed up of it to be honest, I don’t see why I can’t find someone half decent, I keep getting told I’m too picky but is it really picky to have things that I want in another person?

So, I’ve not put any makeup on this morning (couldn’t be arsed, don’t usually for work) and now our fit (although more floppy haired posh boy than big shouldered classically my thing) lawyer has turned up and I wish I’d made an effort this morning. I’m weird in that I’m brilliant at flirting with people I’m not interested in but absolutely rubbish with people I am.

We’ve known each other for a few years now, I don’t see a lot of him as he works at another office, a couple of hours from here but he definitely brightens my day when he’s here, however we can’t manage to string a conversation together as when we try to talk we are both a bit dumbstruck, my friend that works in the office says it’s very funny to watch.

I ensure he's always within easy viewing when we have our conference, I decided this year I couldn't really put him on my table for the third year in a row, so he went on the table opposite me, I let the MD's do their seating plans for those I'd chosen for the table, when I found he wasn't in an easy view I may have swapped him with someone else.........

I have no idea where this week is going to take me, my concentration is right off the boil today that’s for sure, oh and yes I only made it two hours before sending my response, so I imagine now that Weds or Sat are the only nights he can do and that I won’t get a response until tomorrow, just to irritate me a bit more, maybe I should just bin it? It’s just not very often I decide I do actually like someone. I half decided on lunch today that if he comes back telling me he can’t do anything else this week I’m going to send him a message just saying if he has a free evening in the next couple of weeks to get in touch and to have a nice week off, is that being harsh or giving him a get out or simply saving myself?

Monday sucks, men suck, work sucks. 

Cake Destroyer Date.......

So, my last update was Thursday, pre dinner with the BF's ex, we had a lovely evening, despite sulking about it BF didn't come, the ex accidentally sent him a message meant for me that said she was trying to put him off coming, apparently that went down a storm.

We talked a lot about them and the situation, she still loves my BF and always has but says she loves her husband too, this is a concept I can't really grasp, I don't understand being in love with two people, hopefully I never will as it sounds very confusing.

We had such a laugh, even without alcohol, she messaged me later telling me that I was just what she needed, my friends can generally rely on me to put a bit of realism to what they are doing, she said that she was glad she hadn't cheated on her husband, I told her that I thought that what they were doing was just as bad, for me having an emotional relationship with someone can be a lot worse than a physical one, it's a lot harder to get in my head than it is to get in my bed (not that, that is easy, if it were there would be a lot more to report here!) just look at the Cunt Face saga, he's never got into my bed but boy has he done some stuff with my head.

Talking of Dear Cunt Face, he's been quiet, not really anything new, he'll go quiet, pop up send me a barrage of messages, boom, he's gone, crazy that I still respond really, I'm not sure why I do, if I were giving myself advice I would be telling myself I was nuts and to keep well away........ he know's I'm up there Thursday and said he is on training and will check the times, I don't expect to hear from him or to see him, however you know I'd like to.

I had a great weekend, I went to the Rugby on Saturday with the Space Cadet, it's funny really we get on so well and I love him to bits but we would never have worked out, I'm actually glad that we ditched it when we did and have become such good friends.

Anyway, I said I would bake for Space Cadet as he was a right grumpy arse on Friday about the fact he's working too much (I don't think he is really, he doesn't like working - who does? and just gives more reasons to moan) so I made the Carrot Cake that Cake Destroyer had talked about with the intention of taking it Sunday and a batch of Brownies, as well as a mini Carrot Cake for SC.

I had giggles over the Carrot Cake, from our first message CD and I have been talking cake, so he said he would swap me guns for cake, I had asked him what cake he wanted and he said a Carrot Cake with a Walnut Face and a Cherry on the top, so that is exactly what I made, I posted a photo on Facebook (not mentioning what it was for) and my friends all said that they thought it looked a bit sinister or like the Wicker Man, which I thought was even funnier, we'd had a bit of a joke about my slightly scary cake in our messages.

I thought about asking him on Friday if we were still meeting on Sunday (the cake would have got a good home elsewhere anyway so it was no bother) but I decided that it was no biggie either way so I didn't. We continued chatting with these long messages that run Tinder out of characters.

On Saturday evening I got a message asking if I was still up for meeting, so I said yes, I actually felt a little excited about it, I think because we'd exchanged so many proper messages. He told me that he had to be back in the base by 6 so would need to leave by 4:30/5:00 to make sure he was, I suggested meeting around 2 saying that a couple of hours should give us plenty of time, he agreed. Based on my last date which lasted a whole 40 minutes (max!) quite often less than an hour is enough.

He checked on Sunday where we were meeting and I suggested where I had met the Bumble guy a couple of months ago, about 40 minutes from home and in the middleish, he suggested we swap numbers to make it easier, which we did.

So, we met, he looked like him, although again I'd say he was a little better in the photos that he was in real life but at least this time I recognised him straight off, I think he'll look nicer without the squaddie hair cut that he has to have currently, however when he finishes his basic training it shouldn't need to be quite so short, he looks better with a bit more hair.

We met around 2, he was a few minutes late, but we didn't leave until 5 which meant that he was cutting it a bit fine to get back in time.

We weren't lacking in conversation, he wasn't brilliant at eye contact and had some weird facial movements with his nose going on (like a twitch kinda thing) however he may well have been nervous so I'm not going to write him off for that just yet.

We talked about all sorts, he wanted to know about Cunt Face (we'd done best date/worst date) and also about the deaf guy that looked nothing like his photos, he said that his worst date had been with someone that told him how many people liked her and that she was arrogant and his best had been with someone he'd clicked with, I did say that the Cunt Face thing was a long story but kept it to the gruesome details, he said that he found it hard to believe that people would do something like that and how wrong it was, I, of course agreed, I didn't mention that CF and I are still in touch, seemed pointless and it's not like we talk all of the time.

Our moral compasses appear to point in the same direction, he knows about BF and the Ex, and like me can't see how you can love two people at the same time, he was talking about a couple of the guys that are on training with him and how they cheat on their girlfriends all the time without thinking about it and he thinks that's wrong.

Interestingly his brother met his wife online so he does have a bit more hope than me about it, as he's seen it work, although apparently in his best mans speech his Mum told him not to mention how they met, like it was a bad thing, I (and he) thought that was a bit silly as it was obviously a good thing and worked.

We talked about his ex, from what he said she was quite like W@nk Bag, she turned him into a person he wasn't, it was easier not to go out and not get the crap for it etc, I remember when I was with him, if I talked to his mates he used to accuse me of flirting with them and if I didn't he used to call me a miserable bitch, to the point of me just not going out as it wasn't worth the hassle or the argument it would have caused. He said that she used to make him video his mates if he was out to make sure that they weren't out with girls etc, a bit crazy!

As we were leaving, I asked if he wanted his Wicker Man Carrot Cake, he was a little surprised I think that I'd actually made it (I did say) I think he was genuinely a little taken aback by it (in a nice way)

We had a nice time, no immediate chemistry but I'd see him again, I got a message from him just after he got back saying that he make it just on time, he'd had a lovely time spent in my company, the cake was a surprise and my baking skills were 'on point' he said later he'd have happily spent more time with me if he could have (we were together 3 hours which I think is pretty good for a first date) anyway he's on exercise now for a week, so I don't expect to hear from him, which is a shame really.

He seems nice and genuine but I'm sure I'd have said the same about CF just over a year ago by this time last year I knew but he didn't know I knew quite yet, I remember the devastation I felt (it has literally just made me go cold thinking about it) it makes me a little sad that I still feel enough a year on to have that reaction to even thinking about it, I honestly thought he would have disappeared to a distant memory by now, although maybe it's hard to make them a memory when you keep thinking of them and you can't quite put them in the ditch they deserve to be in?

I am getting better, I don't think about him all day, every day now but I don't think there is a day when he doesn't have a little wander through my head, I know it will go away at some point, I honestly do I just wish it would hurry up.

Anyway, another week is upon us!

Second Date with Mr Bumble.........

I had a message on Tuesday evening to say that Mr Bumble's Wednesday meeting had cancelled and was I still ok to meet in London.

So we did, it was a beautiful day, I'd been indoors all day at a meeting which was pretty boring, so it was nice to get in the sun.

I quite like that he's always on time, he said that he's never late which is a trait that I quite like (although it maybe verges on reliable which isn't something that seems to suit me well later on!) he also came to where I was to meet me, despite me saying that I could meet him elsewhere.

Due to the weather it was unbelievably busy and I wanted to be outside, it took us a while to find a pub and we did a fair bit of walking, we eventually had dinner in a quieter part of London before leaving to go home around 10pm, it was a nice evening, we do get on well, no fireworks, butterflies or zoo's though, maybe it needs some time?

He did put his arm around me at one point but it was a little awkward as it was the side that my bag was on, he didn't go in for a kiss though, although we did hug on meeting and leaving, as I left he said he would like to do it again soon.

Have heard from him since.

On the way back I got a message from Prince Harry, he messaged to tell me that he has been posted, he was expecting a posting to Essex, which is one of the many reasons why when we met in January I couldn't see the point of meeting up again, he has however been posted to a lot nearer, probably about half an hour from me and has been saying that he would like us to see each other again, I, on the other hand am really not so sure!

Someone else has also appeared back with a message on POF, someone that I had chatted to for a bit last year, nothing to really report there.

Had some messages from 22, just general how are you, what have you been up to etc, it's nice, I find it quite sweet that he keeps in touch, makes it feel better!

Still talking intermittently to Cunt Face/Monkey Boy from last year, with the girlfriend, who no longer has THE girlfriend but could possibly have another by now, who knows eh? He's out at Le Mans for the 24 hour, he goes every year, used to go with his dad before he died, now goes with friend but came back last year in a bit of a state as it was the first one without his dad, I'm trying really hard to leave the responses so that they aren't straight away but I massively struggle with it, I am delighted when I get a message from him, it just makes me feel differently, I can't get past how I felt, don't get me wrong, I'm sure in time that would have faded and changed had it gone further but we didn't get chance to see that through, so it hasn't changed.

We chatted a bit on Tuesday evening, he was leaving for Le Mans on Weds, he sent the last message, with my plan not to respond until next week, however I got another message on Weds morning saying that he was now coming back next week, instead of July as he had planned, I asked why and he said that his Nan had died, I offered my condolences and just said that if he needed anything he know's where I am, which I got a thanks for.

I hope he wants to meet when I'm in Manchester at the end of the month, part of me desperately wants for me to see him and feel nothing, the other wants for there to be the full Sydney New Years Eve Fireworks display that happened on that fateful July day when we had our second date, I'm pretty sure that there will be an excuse as to why he can't meet me.

I'm not a girl that normally puts my heart on the line like this but I kind of think that when you get those feelings you maybe need to, the worst that can happen is that your heart can be broken, maybe sometimes you do have to let that happen?

Oh, a couple of weeks ago I ran into W@nk Bag in town on my lunch, I felt nothing, for the first time in seven years, no sick feeling, no anger, nothing and it was a BEAUTIFUL feeling, any power he had is gone, he's got fatter, he's as grey as it gets (I mean dull, boring, grey haired grey, not Mr Grey!)

No news is.......................

No news! Have had to sit on my hands a little recently, guess where my sister is going to uni? Yes, the town where he lives, I'd have been delighted by that news a few weeks ago, have to say it made my heart sink a little! So, PH has been back this week, he text me last night asking me to go over, I declined, I'm not sure if he's just trying to get in my knickers or alternatively thinks that I should be the one to make all of the effort but neither of those is going to happen, well unless I get bored that is. If he was as hot as his photos' I might, just might be keener if he was as hot in real life as he is in his photo's (which I think he would be if he were a little taller and a little stockier he would be. He's today contacted me today on a dating site, with just a x men!! I'm not sure I told you about the Welsh Tennis Coach? We've been chatting since May but he lives in Wales, obvious issue there, it's over three hours away, so we've not met, he deleted me from Facebook which I thought was odd but never really thought much of it, until yesterday morning when he FB messaged me with 'Ji, I have a gf now' I think I laughed when I read it, I was kind of expecting it to be a 'don't contact me anymore' (not that I do anyway) I responded saying 'good for you' and pretty much left it there, he asked me to whatsapp him as he didn't have my number, I wasn't sure where this was leading but he asked that we could still be friends, which I had no issue with. This culminated in a facetime conversation last night of over two hours, I'm don't do facetime and I hate phone calls to be honest but it went quickly and he was nice, I did mention that I didn't think the gf would be happy with the content of the conversation and that if within two weeks he was thinking of me is she really the right one for him? It's made me think a few things, men cannot be trusted, we knew that anyway, they are quite frankly arseholes, if in two weeks he's thinking of cheating what hope does that give people like me in seach of happy ever after for the future? He's been messaging me from early this morning, I don't know what to think? Maybe he's just not had any attention from her for a few days? There's been another guy messaging a bit on FB, a friend of the race team, we've met a couple of times but to be fair I thought he was seeing someone but he isn't, we've chatted a bit, he seems a nice guy, a lot on though as he has cancer (that makes no difference to me) but again he lives quite a distance away (always the way!) He doesn't come racing much these days either (I assume because of the cancer?) I remember meeting him a few times and thinking he was attractive. POF and Tinder are still going crazy, mostly with totally unsuitable people if I'm honest!) I'm still so wary, the thought of letting someone in fills me with dread after last time. I had a couple of photos pop up on Facebooks 'on this day' this week, me and w@nk bag, I can honestly say they made me feel a little sick, I look so terribly unhappy, even though it was at a point when I thought we were quite happy and we were on holiday so I imagine it was one of the times we were happier, it's amazing to think what someone so manipulative can do and that you don't even realise it's happening.

Catching Up..... it's been a while............

I’ve said it before, life really does get in the way, the guy I’d been seeing before Christmas re-materialised and contacted me on the dating site again (I was out and photo’s didn’t show up so I’d responded before realising who it was) we chatted for a bit, he asked if I fancied doing something and I have to admit I wasn't sure, conversation continued on and off for a little while but we’ve still not seen each other.

The Space Cadets friend is still on the scene, a night in a hotel just might happen yet but I’m still not sure (I'm such a ditherer with these things!) we talk probably weekly or so, he’s nice because the talk never gets to the ‘wrong’ stage like a lot of guys these days take it to, he knows when to stop which I like, I've seen Space Cadet a couple of times since and his name always comes up, but I’m sure he doesn't know that the friend and I still chat.

I'm not sure I've mentioned SC’s brother? We met a few years ago at a race and have kept in touch since, he flirts terribly with me (he has a GF) sends me snapchats (yes, that kind!) and we catch up occasionally for dinner, movies, kitten cuddles etc but it has been a while since I've seen him, he suggested coming over a couple of weeks ago and came over last week, in a vest type top with his very lovely shoulders out and smelling amazing, he was definitely trying to impress but he’s not got so much flirtation in person, we had a really nice evening, turns out our cars also match!!

The dating sites are much like hard work, the only other dates I’ve been on this year are with a trainee Prison Officer who was really  nice but we had nothing in common with and a guy that works in my building, we met online, discovered we both worked in the same place, he left me flowers at the door, we went for a drink but he obviously thought that a bunch of supermarket flowers was going to be the path into my knickers, how wrong he was, we never saw each other again and I’m always hopeful that I don’t bump into him as I come and go at work.

Baggage Boy, what can I say? Another very lucky escape there, he is madly in love with yet another woman (in the time since we stopped seeing each other he has literally had more women than I have clean pants and I have a lot!) he introduces them all to his poor little confused boy, which makes me mad, kids don’t need to grow up thinking women are disposable or that Daddy introduces him to every woman that walks but there is nothing I can do about it, no wonder his Mum is so stroppy!

Oh I have been on two other dates (terrible to forget really) he is an engineer and works a month in the UK and a month in China, we met twice when he was in the UK last, we have a lot in common and he races cars which obviously had my interest but I just don’t find him particularly attractive and that is a problem he is due back from China tomorrow and I’m not sure I want to go to date three but we do have kittens due so I won’t be going anywhere for a bit now, he’s been in touch every few days while he’s been away but I don’t think that is enough to sustain things at the stage we are at currently, I kind of like the thought of someone not being here all the time but he did try to high five me on a date and that felt kind of weird if I’m honest.

So, I’ve been having a crappy time at work, a big restructure has been going on and it’s not nice not knowing whether you have a job or not, the last few weeks have been particularly taxing, so much so that the Friday night I was so fed up that I went out and got wasted beyond all sense, only for the second time this year to be honest but it just happened to be on a night that 22 was out, yep you guessed it, a repeat performance, what I didn’t realise until about a week later was that it was May Day weekend, so I repeated the same mistake, on a the same weekend a year later, just brilliant, I excelled myself, now why wasn’t the mistake made with SC’s friend? That would have been at least a half sensible decision, however I have decided to look at the positive of ‘sometimes you need to get under it to get over it’ and I am certainly over that one!

I seem to have this thing about May Day, every year if I’m going to get into trouble that is when it happens, I turn into a total monster and can’t control myself, hey ho, it’s done now, I’ll try to remember not to go out next year!

The friend that would like me to have his baby is still around, he still mentions it probably weekly, I’m still not saying yes!

Dodo Hunter still pops up from time to time, tells me how much he likes me, wants to see me, disappears! I think it will always be like that. 

Something has thrown me a little bit though w@nk bag is due to have a baby, part of me is devastated as I was ready to settle down, have babies and he said he never wanted to, I know time changes things but I still can’t help to feel done over, in another way I feel like once it’s happened it is the final stab to the heart, there is nothing else that he can do to hurt me after this and I’m glad about that but it’s overdue and I just want it to be over, I was his nephew to announce it so that I can have 24 hours to lick my wounds and then get on with life, I have to admit though that I do hope it is ugly, I don’t mean a little bit, I mean hit every branch of the ugly tree and got both of it’s parents genes, I know you’ll think I’m mean but I guess that’s just the way it is, maybe I am but I’ll live with that, I know you should forgive but I’m not sure I can.

Life gets in the way................

Seems ages since I posted, it is ages since I posted.

The last post was about the boy that after date three decided that he wasn't ready for serious, despite him being the one that was driving things.

Well it's now January and we have continued to see each other, which seems surprising I guess, however when I responded to the text I pointed out that serious hadn't entered my head and as far as I was aware we were both at the early stages of getting to know each other, why do men always think that we are the one's that want to do the serious thing? While I don't want to get into something that I know is going nowhere, neither do I want to get serious with someone I'm not nuts about.

He said he liked me and enjoyed spending time with me, so we carried on with the cinema date as planned, he was normal, we went to the cinema and even through the film he had to keep touching and kissing me, not what I would say was the behaviour of someone that didn't want it to continue.

Have I been a fool? Maybe. We have now done 9 dates (it would have been more if it wasn't for me putting a bit of a halt on it)

We've done dinner, he's stayed over, more cinema etc and are going out again tonight.

I found out some interesting facts, like he's allergic to cats (we didn't know this until he had stayed over) he wasn't at all phased by it and went to the Dr to get medication which seems to have solved the problem. He is definitely more keen than I am, I don't know if that's because of the 'I'm not ready for serious' text or just because I'm not feeling it or he's not for me.

I'm rubbish with Christmas etc, it tends to give me a huge case of the blues and depression, this year has been no different for me, I've hardly seem anyone over the break so he's been put off too (although we didn't have anything arranged) I told him before Christmas that I wasn't doing presents for anyone as the car had gone wrong, which solved any issues there.

We've still spoken by text everyday, he still makes the first contact 99/100 times.

Things got a bit more complicated the Saturday before Christmas, the Space Cadet had arranged for us to go to the cinema to see a film that was on a limited release, there were five of us going, SC and I went for lunch and a catch up before picking up one of the others that was coming with us, we were then meeting the other two in Leicester.

I walked into the cafe and wished I'd made a bit of effort with the hair, make up and what I was wearing! One of SC's friends was quite nice!! We had a general chat before the film about what we did, where we lived, he also mentioned the GF had moved out  in general conversation with the others and then went our separate ways after, SC suggested I add the boys on FB as they are into cars and we'd been talking about a project that I wanted to look at, so I did.

A few hours later I got a message saying it was nice to meet me and he'd enjoyed the film, I should get SC to organise more things, I said that it would take a braver and more stupid woman than me to put up with SC, he then clocked my profile picture where I am dressed as a vampire and the outfit conversation started and continued for several days, until New Years Day actually, he's been a bit quieter since we went back to work, he thinks it would be a good idea if I were dressed in a PVC nurses outfit and he were to turn up at the door, I have honestly thought about this idea, in fact I'm still thinking on it, if I'm not ready for serious maybe it's the way forward? Although I'm not sure I could do that with a stranger, I've not even done it with someone I know, although maybe that makes it easier?

Evil Twin is back in the dog house but that seems to happen quite a lot, so I guess we shouldn't be surprised there, she's been as supportive as usual. I ran into 22 on Christmas Eve while out for a drink, as usual he came to talk to me, one the way home he was walking up (he lives round the corner now, really?!) with his best mate, he was asking what happened with his mate, I said nothing, he said his mate had said it was a lot more than that, he asked why him and not the mate, he asked if he could come back for tea, I said no, we text a bit that night, he asked if he could come round, I said no, don't get me wrong, it's not that I wasn't tempted I was but I don't want to be done over twice by the same person, we've continued to talk, including today.

I text ET saying I'd seen him and how alone I felt, she pretty much didn't bother with me over Christmas and New Year and didn't turn up when she was supposed to, sometimes I think friends just aren't worth the hassle they cause, it's not like it's the first time!

I had a friend point out a few days ago that I've never got over w@nk bag and to be fair it's probably true but how do you get over the only person that you have ever loved? I knew it wasn't sustainable, I knew we couldn't stay together and I knew we wouldn't get through life together, that doesn't mean I woke up one day not loving him any more, in all honesty I wish that had happened but it didn't, don't get me wrong if he turned up at my door tomorrow telling me he'd won the lottery and begging me to take him back I still wouldn't but that doesn't mean that somewhere in my heart I wonder if he was the only person I will ever be truly in love with.

Life is a funny old game, I don't know what else to say about it really!!

Sometimes life sucks.......

It just gets worse here, currently I feel like I must be one of the unluckiest girls in the world, on Thursday evening at 8:30 PM I was made redundant (if your thinking wasn't it bank holiday weekend then yes, you are correct) what amazing timing? Just in time to ruin my whole weekend, yay!!!!

I spent most of Thursday evening in tears, it's been my dream job and although at times it's crappy and the hours are crappy I have loved it with all my heart and I've got to come to terms with saying goodbye.

I have an interview for this week in a completely different field, I have to do a 10 minute presentation on something I know nothing about which means I split my weekend between being upset, drinking and trying to work out the presentation from a very brief, brief!!!

Anyway, it's done now, not a lot else I can do really apart from give it my best shot tomorrow.

Usual stuff from POF, I honestly think it's getting worse, people get in touch, talk a bit and then that's it, what is that all about?

Spoke to Uniform a bit by text through the week, he invited me around after the pub on Friday so I knocked on my way past, as I'd predicted he was asleep so I carried on home.

I had a bit of a weird moment on Saturday, walking (well as much as you can on crutches) through town which is about 12 miles away, I passed my ex, not an ex, the ex, the one, w@nk bag, it hit me harder than I expected, I don't know if it was seeing him or seeing him do something that I never thought I'd do in my lifetime, his father is an elder of the Jehovah's Witnesses and the children were brought up in the faith but all but one left when they were at an age where they could, he was a definite non believer and had a bit of a past, all of things you aren't supposed to do as a witness, drugs, sex before marriage etc, etc and there he was in the street in a suit with a sign 'selling' the faith, it makes me think what a hypocritical religion it is, it would seem you can do what you want but then come back to the faith? It shows why I'm not religious. I've thought about him a bit since, I hate the fact he can still make me do this to me after all this time, even though he was tubbier, he looked quite old and he's gone grey, to be honest he's not aged well! Anyway, we will get over it, maybe it explains why the next paragraph happened and why I needed a little affection!

He was out on Saturday night, with a vodka on the bar as an apology for being asleep! It was a fairly good night, he walked me home and we went back to his as usual, I stayed (for the first time) I think I've decided that we'll be just friends, not once while in bed with him did I think I'd like to rip his clothes off, he is lovely and cuddly though which is really nice when you've just spent the last 18 months being single, he is a fidget and takes up most of the bed though!!!

That was pretty much my weekend gone, it's now back to work and I can honestly tell you I've never been less motivated to do my job in my whole entire life, I honestly hope no one else turns up for the interviews and it's just me!!!

Laying your cards on the table.......

That's what my friend said I should do and I just can't stop thinking about it, I've only really opened up and laid my cards on the table to one person, one of the two 'big ones' and I can't see that I'll ever do it again after that experience.

I remember being at Becky Falls in Devon, it was a lovely dry Autumn day and we were away for a week, he was taking photos at the other side of the bridge, we walked towards each other and at that moment I knew it was love, I even opened my mouth to say it but the words stuck in my throat, maybe my mouth knew that if they came out on my disappointment would follow?

The next time was when were were going through a bad patch sometime later, we'd already been together a couple of years by this point and still no 'I love you' on either side, in the middle of an argument I asked him if he had ever loved me and he told me he didn't know if he was capable of live but I was as near as he'd come, is that enough?

The truth is no, those words ate at me for years and they still do to this day, close wasn't enough, I knew in my heart he didn't love me, I never felt loved, how did I waste so much of my life on him? I very stupidly loved him and my heart didn't want to let that go.

The third time was one Christmas, I wrote it in his card, it was reciprocated with a thank you for the card, they are the only times in my life I have laid my cards on the table and said I love you and meant it, am I keen to let someone make me feel like that again? No, I can't say I am.

Eventually after nearly 5 years I asked him to leave, I was getting to the point of wanting to settle down and I knew that with him I had no chance of that, it happened on a Monday evening when I got home from work, we talked the next day and said we'd have a couple of weeks break instead to see if we could work things out, I didn't contact him the whole time to see if we could clear our heads apart, we were due to meet on the Tuesday.

The whole time he was gone I missed him like crazy but I carried on, went to work and hardly a soul knew (incase we got back together) on the Friday before we were due to meet I text to say I'd missed him and that I hoped we could work things out.

I had an HTC diamond phone in those days and anyone that had one knows that they had a home key that if you had a message it used to light up a ring around the home key, my phone used to sit next to my laptop at work.

At 10 on Monday morning the day before we were due to meet the phone lit up, he'd have had no doubt of where I would be, I the office, an hour and a half away from home.

I opened the message to see a message saying that he'd missed me too but that we weren't going to work out long term, if he was ready to settle down it would be with me, I took myself into the toilet to try to compose myself, by the time I'd been gone about half hour someone came to look for me, I was a teary, broken mess and had to walk out in front of my staff like that and drive home in that state, my boss wasn't even going to let me drive but after feeding me tea and sympathy they let me go home.

He came to pick up his things the next day and I sobbed like a baby, I was totally broken, blacking out through stress and so helpless that I had to go and stay with my mum 40 miles away, if you knew the relationship my mum and I have you'd know that meant I was bad! I lost  two and a half stone in those first two weeks.

We were still Facebook friends and I tried to be dignified, until I found out he was seeing someone and she'd been to his family for dinner, two weeks after we split up, I felt totally betrayed by them all, his friend had also been seeing her previously and dumped her because he said she was mental.

On a Friday morning two weeks after that Monday I got the message I flipped, I told him that he was an emotional bully and that just because it didn't leave bruises he was no better than a wife beater, emotional scars run very deep. I also posted a status on Facebook saying 'I wonder if his best mate had finished pulling his trousers up before you stuck yours in' but it wasn't long before I'd deleted everyone we had in common.

The man that couldn't commit was married within the year, I saw the wedding photos and for all the times he called me fat I'm positively a supermodel in comparison!

I don't think I can lay my cards on the table, I still have the scars from the last time.