Round Up...........

I've been a bit strapped for time at the moment and I managed to lose my 22 story after spending two weeks writing it on and off I thought I’d give you a little roundup of what’s been going on in my little world.

22 has been in touch but that’s nothing new, it’s rare that I don’t hear from him at least monthly, as has the Hot Welsh Tennis Coach but again he’s in touch all of the time so nothing exciting.

Shoe Guy has been in touch, he’s not said that he’s bored with the girlfriend but I can’t imagine why he would be in touch with me if that wasn’t the case, I had predicted as much a year ago but unless something changes with him having a girlfriend though I won’t be getting involved.

At one point in the last week I received iffy snapchats from both the Space Cadet and his brother, right at the same moment which had me in fits of laughter, SC offered me Rugby for today but I couldn't be bothered, his brother told me he wished he were single as he would love to be spending some time with me. 

Usual suspects have come out of the woodwork, a very brief conversation with Cunt Face about what a bad time he is having but very much short answers, maybe he is trying to be good?

A couple of months ago I matched with the gorgeous electrician, 6’ ex Royal Marine, lives in the town I work in, we’ve talked a fair bit on and off but although he’s talked about meeting, we never quite get there, his conversation has been amazing, funny, pushing the boundaries but never stepping over them, until Friday when he sent me a cock shot, why do they have to ruin it? I don’t know yet whether he’s being written off for it or not, he’s hot, funny, clearly intelligent and articulate, was it just a late-night lapse but although he tells me he’s shy which is why we haven’t met yet he is ex-military and it’s rare they are shy and he’s being flown out to Sweden this week to teach people Ice Driving, can he be those things and be shy? I can be shy even though no one would ever expect that of the bolshie person they know!

The week before Christmas I had a meeting in London with Procurement Guy, when he messaged me the day before asking if I wanted to meet for a coffee prior to the meeting I expected him to suggest meeting near the venue, instead he asked what time my train was coming in and where to and said he’d meet me at the station. In times where I find that men are rather flaky I have to admit to being impressed at him travelling right across London to meet me before heading right across London again.  

I still don’t see him as my type but he is a nice guy, we had been chatting on Skype, partly work related things, partly flirty banter as I was getting ready to release a big announcement, obviously I didn’t say anything to him as there are masses of things in my role that I can’t talk to anyone about.

The announcement went out to our senior team, on that team is his Director and another Director that he reports to via a dotted line. Within minutes of the announcement dropping in the senior’s inboxes he called me and said ‘were you writing that when we were talking?’ I said that yes, I’d be writing is as we spoke, he said that he knew it was stuff that I couldn’t tell him but it was announcements that he was happy with as they would affect his role and he asked if I’d known when we were at the event the previous month and he’d been moaning about them, I said that I’d known for months now but that until the announcement I couldn’t talk to anyone about it.

Apparently later that day his boss sent him the announcement, he told him that he’d already seen it and was asked how, his answer was:

‘I was in the hotel room with Frog Princess when she was writing it’

Followed by a response from his boss:

‘???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

‘What?’

To which he finally told him that he was joking and his boss told him he was a fucking idiot!

I found that quite funny.

Apparently most of the questions his boss asks him are answered with some variation on in a hotel room with me, which I have to admit I find quite funny as long as he doesn’t say it to my boss who is totally unlike his and wouldn’t find it amusing in the slightest!

He was waiting at the station when I arrived, the banter started immediately and continued throughout the morning, when we got to the meeting it was a disaster, the ‘Events Team’ had done their usual bad job, booking a room for 50 when we have 250 people coming, we pretty much overruled their decisions all round, he agreed with all of mine and said he didn’t feel that they would do a good job, he was shocked at how bad a job they had done, I have worked with them before so I wasn’t.

We went for lunch after and worked through some plans, before he saw me back to the station, we’ve not spoken much since as it’s Christmas break but had a call with the events group last year, at one point he told them I could do a much better job than the people we are paying but I’m pretty sure his boss saw it as him having a bit of a soft spot for me!

I spent a day Christmas Shopping with the Best Friend and discovered that the girlfriend I knew wasn't my greatest fan really dislikes me and our relationship but I'll cover that more in a later post,  I also had dinner with his ex, who is also a very good friend of mine. 

I have my first date of 2018 on Friday, in London, maybe next week’s post will be a bit more exciting? 

Second Date with Mr Bumble.........

I had a message on Tuesday evening to say that Mr Bumble's Wednesday meeting had cancelled and was I still ok to meet in London.

So we did, it was a beautiful day, I'd been indoors all day at a meeting which was pretty boring, so it was nice to get in the sun.

I quite like that he's always on time, he said that he's never late which is a trait that I quite like (although it maybe verges on reliable which isn't something that seems to suit me well later on!) he also came to where I was to meet me, despite me saying that I could meet him elsewhere.

Due to the weather it was unbelievably busy and I wanted to be outside, it took us a while to find a pub and we did a fair bit of walking, we eventually had dinner in a quieter part of London before leaving to go home around 10pm, it was a nice evening, we do get on well, no fireworks, butterflies or zoo's though, maybe it needs some time?

He did put his arm around me at one point but it was a little awkward as it was the side that my bag was on, he didn't go in for a kiss though, although we did hug on meeting and leaving, as I left he said he would like to do it again soon.

Have heard from him since.

On the way back I got a message from Prince Harry, he messaged to tell me that he has been posted, he was expecting a posting to Essex, which is one of the many reasons why when we met in January I couldn't see the point of meeting up again, he has however been posted to a lot nearer, probably about half an hour from me and has been saying that he would like us to see each other again, I, on the other hand am really not so sure!

Someone else has also appeared back with a message on POF, someone that I had chatted to for a bit last year, nothing to really report there.

Had some messages from 22, just general how are you, what have you been up to etc, it's nice, I find it quite sweet that he keeps in touch, makes it feel better!

Still talking intermittently to Cunt Face/Monkey Boy from last year, with the girlfriend, who no longer has THE girlfriend but could possibly have another by now, who knows eh? He's out at Le Mans for the 24 hour, he goes every year, used to go with his dad before he died, now goes with friend but came back last year in a bit of a state as it was the first one without his dad, I'm trying really hard to leave the responses so that they aren't straight away but I massively struggle with it, I am delighted when I get a message from him, it just makes me feel differently, I can't get past how I felt, don't get me wrong, I'm sure in time that would have faded and changed had it gone further but we didn't get chance to see that through, so it hasn't changed.

We chatted a bit on Tuesday evening, he was leaving for Le Mans on Weds, he sent the last message, with my plan not to respond until next week, however I got another message on Weds morning saying that he was now coming back next week, instead of July as he had planned, I asked why and he said that his Nan had died, I offered my condolences and just said that if he needed anything he know's where I am, which I got a thanks for.

I hope he wants to meet when I'm in Manchester at the end of the month, part of me desperately wants for me to see him and feel nothing, the other wants for there to be the full Sydney New Years Eve Fireworks display that happened on that fateful July day when we had our second date, I'm pretty sure that there will be an excuse as to why he can't meet me.

I'm not a girl that normally puts my heart on the line like this but I kind of think that when you get those feelings you maybe need to, the worst that can happen is that your heart can be broken, maybe sometimes you do have to let that happen?

Oh, a couple of weeks ago I ran into W@nk Bag in town on my lunch, I felt nothing, for the first time in seven years, no sick feeling, no anger, nothing and it was a BEAUTIFUL feeling, any power he had is gone, he's got fatter, he's as grey as it gets (I mean dull, boring, grey haired grey, not Mr Grey!)

Life gets in the way................

Seems ages since I posted, it is ages since I posted.

The last post was about the boy that after date three decided that he wasn't ready for serious, despite him being the one that was driving things.

Well it's now January and we have continued to see each other, which seems surprising I guess, however when I responded to the text I pointed out that serious hadn't entered my head and as far as I was aware we were both at the early stages of getting to know each other, why do men always think that we are the one's that want to do the serious thing? While I don't want to get into something that I know is going nowhere, neither do I want to get serious with someone I'm not nuts about.

He said he liked me and enjoyed spending time with me, so we carried on with the cinema date as planned, he was normal, we went to the cinema and even through the film he had to keep touching and kissing me, not what I would say was the behaviour of someone that didn't want it to continue.

Have I been a fool? Maybe. We have now done 9 dates (it would have been more if it wasn't for me putting a bit of a halt on it)

We've done dinner, he's stayed over, more cinema etc and are going out again tonight.

I found out some interesting facts, like he's allergic to cats (we didn't know this until he had stayed over) he wasn't at all phased by it and went to the Dr to get medication which seems to have solved the problem. He is definitely more keen than I am, I don't know if that's because of the 'I'm not ready for serious' text or just because I'm not feeling it or he's not for me.

I'm rubbish with Christmas etc, it tends to give me a huge case of the blues and depression, this year has been no different for me, I've hardly seem anyone over the break so he's been put off too (although we didn't have anything arranged) I told him before Christmas that I wasn't doing presents for anyone as the car had gone wrong, which solved any issues there.

We've still spoken by text everyday, he still makes the first contact 99/100 times.

Things got a bit more complicated the Saturday before Christmas, the Space Cadet had arranged for us to go to the cinema to see a film that was on a limited release, there were five of us going, SC and I went for lunch and a catch up before picking up one of the others that was coming with us, we were then meeting the other two in Leicester.

I walked into the cafe and wished I'd made a bit of effort with the hair, make up and what I was wearing! One of SC's friends was quite nice!! We had a general chat before the film about what we did, where we lived, he also mentioned the GF had moved out  in general conversation with the others and then went our separate ways after, SC suggested I add the boys on FB as they are into cars and we'd been talking about a project that I wanted to look at, so I did.

A few hours later I got a message saying it was nice to meet me and he'd enjoyed the film, I should get SC to organise more things, I said that it would take a braver and more stupid woman than me to put up with SC, he then clocked my profile picture where I am dressed as a vampire and the outfit conversation started and continued for several days, until New Years Day actually, he's been a bit quieter since we went back to work, he thinks it would be a good idea if I were dressed in a PVC nurses outfit and he were to turn up at the door, I have honestly thought about this idea, in fact I'm still thinking on it, if I'm not ready for serious maybe it's the way forward? Although I'm not sure I could do that with a stranger, I've not even done it with someone I know, although maybe that makes it easier?

Evil Twin is back in the dog house but that seems to happen quite a lot, so I guess we shouldn't be surprised there, she's been as supportive as usual. I ran into 22 on Christmas Eve while out for a drink, as usual he came to talk to me, one the way home he was walking up (he lives round the corner now, really?!) with his best mate, he was asking what happened with his mate, I said nothing, he said his mate had said it was a lot more than that, he asked why him and not the mate, he asked if he could come back for tea, I said no, we text a bit that night, he asked if he could come round, I said no, don't get me wrong, it's not that I wasn't tempted I was but I don't want to be done over twice by the same person, we've continued to talk, including today.

I text ET saying I'd seen him and how alone I felt, she pretty much didn't bother with me over Christmas and New Year and didn't turn up when she was supposed to, sometimes I think friends just aren't worth the hassle they cause, it's not like it's the first time!

I had a friend point out a few days ago that I've never got over w@nk bag and to be fair it's probably true but how do you get over the only person that you have ever loved? I knew it wasn't sustainable, I knew we couldn't stay together and I knew we wouldn't get through life together, that doesn't mean I woke up one day not loving him any more, in all honesty I wish that had happened but it didn't, don't get me wrong if he turned up at my door tomorrow telling me he'd won the lottery and begging me to take him back I still wouldn't but that doesn't mean that somewhere in my heart I wonder if he was the only person I will ever be truly in love with.

Life is a funny old game, I don't know what else to say about it really!!

The return of 22.......

So, first time I've been out in the village in ages, planned to have a night out with ET to catch up as we've not seen each other for a while (she's not got a boyfriend so I don't get much of a look in!)

Getting ready when I get a text from ET, all it says is '22's here' oh shit is all that goes through my head, I look in the mirror, I look decent, hairs done, make ups done, top and jeans on, I'm in a better place now I tell myself.

I walked in and had to walk past him to get to where I was going, we said hi, in the minute our eyes met spin reappeared, I downed the vodka, to be fair at a stupid rate, it was always going to end badly.

He came over to me (he is still in casts and on crutches) and talked to me, still there is something there but I wasn't going to let it happen again, his mate came and started talking to me, the one that he'd said I had an admirer, he's sweet, a nice lad, 21 this time, he walked me home, we kissed, thankfully I came to my senses before it went any further, I wasn't reacting because I liked him, I was acting out of hurt, I don't need you and I can walk out with your mate and hurt you too!!

The next day I was going out with baggage boy and the four year old to the air museum, boy did I feel rough! I told BB what had happened and he laughed at me as usual!
We had a lovely day but a little painful too, we looked like a family, a little boy between us holding our hands and calling us to look at things, I took a beautiful photo of them both while they weren't looking, it's his cover photo on FB, it made me see what I'm missing, although I'd still not want it with him or to do it on my own.

22 text me the next day while I was with BB to ask what happened, I said nothing, he didn't believe me I don't think but then I guess it's none of his business, he hurt me before him and still we are nowhere near even on that score (Not that I intend to even it up anymore!)

On the even up note, Too Soon is cheating on the girl from the night I put his drink over his head, I find that quite amusing in a sadistic, twisted kind of way!

Friday.............

We're five days on from the last post and thankfully the spinning and reeling are becoming less frequent.

I've neither heard from or contacted him (the last message is from him)

ET has been a bit of an idiot this week, getting stroppy over what was essentially her fault, I won't go into it further here but it doesn't appear to be a lone incident.

I've pretty much shut myself away after work each day and it's been nice, I've been having a hard time sleeping and it's helped, getting to bed earlier and I hope it's a good sign that my mind is starting to ease and we can start getting back on track, it's still early days though.

I was mean to be out tonight, still not sure I'm ready to face seeing him though, makes going out harder!

In spin mode...............

My little world has lurched between spin and reel for the last week.

On Friday night I went out with Baggage Boy, that was an experience, we went to a car show first, a nice warm evening, a walk in the sunshine, it was good, we then went back to his to get ready, I was getting in the shower when he said 'I'll be in, in a minute' to which I laughed, it wasn't quite so funny a few minutes later when he got in the shower with me, that was rather unexpected.

We had a good night out, cocktails, drinks, gay club following my 'I'm turning lesbian' comment (more straight people than gay I reckon) danced, laughed, noticed how much he looked at women despite having a girlfriend, we got home, went to bed and again he spent all night cuddling me, every time I moved he  moved and got hold of me again, somewhat a strange old situation if you ask me. It certainly confuses matters, I do however now know that I wouldn't go there, I couldn't cope with someone that thinks it's ok to blur lines like he does.

Dodo Hunter has appeared a few times in recent months, usually late at night and I assume after a few drinks, we apparently 'will get it together' at some point, as I was out in his town I sent him a message, he said he wanted to meet up but wasn't prepared to go to the gay club (which I thought was quite funny) he said about meeting for lunch on the Saturday, it of course never happened and to be honest by Saturday I was feeling rather hungover!

On Saturday 22's sister posted a photo of him and her at the pub which has made the chances of running into him all the more real, as soon as  I saw it, it sent me into downward spiral mode, which I have to say isn't a place I'm terribly keen on, 

On Wednesday he sent me a Facebook message, I'd been convinced that I'd never hear from him again, this brought on another complete spin moment, I know I shouldn't have answered, I knew that at the time and I know that now but I wanted him to tell me his 'news' he asked how I was etc, said he had a new phone so hadn't got any message, sent me his new number, I said I'd heard he had some news, he went silent but answered something else, what can I say?! You can lead a horse to water they say......

On Friday I  was sitting at work, at my desk when I decided to have a little Facebook browse, what jumps out, straight in my face? A scan photo, 22 is obviously tagged in it, it's official - the baby has been announced and is due in February, it has so far brought up a few feelings, the first was feeling sick, hurt, anger, wanting to punch him and wanting to cry have all appeared in quick succession, I imagine thinking myself fortunate and the calm will also come soon and hopefully stay longer than the others, thankfully none of those feelings could come out because I was sat at my desk at work.

Half of me wanted to go out and get drunk beyond all recognition, the other half wanted to go home, lock the door and curl up into a little ball, I did however have  date with my god daughter for a girlie night in so I did that instead.

I was meant to go out on Saturday night with ET but to be fair I really wasn't in the mood, when she text me Sat afternoon saying she was already out with one of the two blokes she's been 'seeing' I decided that I really couldn't bear being third wheel (a term she'd used when I had asked her if she wanted to come out with Baggage Boy and I the week before) so I tucked up on the sofa and got stuck into some more movies, my head is literally like a phone at the moment when you have too many apps open and it freezes, everything is jaunty and not functioning as it should.

I'm definitely at 'shut myself away from the world' stage again, I know it's not healthy and I shouldn't do it but currently when I'm out all I want to do is get home, lock my front door and not have to put on the happy face any more, I also don't know what I would do currently if'/when I come face to face with him which I  know will happen sooner or later, I guess me not going out lessens the chances significantly though.

It's now Monday and there are five more days to get through, I'm hoping work will be busier this week to give me less time to think about things.

Just when you thought it was safe to come out of the water...........

I won't have to see him for months she said, he'll not be able to come out for ages she said.................

I had my hair done on Wednesday, his sister in law just happens to be my hairdresser.......

She says he's staying with them until he's better, they are only up the top of the village, she says he went to the pub the night he got out, the pub that I go to, that soon made the news land I tell you.

I don't want to see him, I want months to lick my wounds and get over it before I see him again, I didn't think I might bump into him at any moment like I do now.

He's meant to be in a village 8 miles away, where he can't get over because he's totally broken himself, not be just up the road where he could appear at any minute.

ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It just keeps getting better...................... :-(

So, I never replied to the message that made me feel hurt, I never stopped thinking about it though or hurting, a few times I've closed the front door and the tears have come with the relief of finally being on my own and able to feel as upset as I do.

Had plans to see ET at a Beer Festival on Saturday night, can't say I was terribly looking forward to it but when I say I'll do something I usually do. I was picked up by ET's ex, a lovely guy, on the way to the Beer Festival he talked about 22's accident, showed us where it had happened (which makes me think he was drunk as it's probably the straightest bit of road along that stretch) it turns out he had apparently been taking people home after a night out in town (we knew about the night out bit already as I'd seen him in town) I would say he was going home, the conversation was rather awkward, especially when ET's ex said that he was probably going back to town to get laid, uncomfortable that one!

We got in the pub and walked straight into his Mum, who doesn't like me, that was fun.

We went outside watching the bands, when ET said she had something that she had to tell me but didn't really want to.

Her daughter is 21 and had been round her Nan's the night before, her Nan had been telling her about her Aunt's friend who had been seeing this 'poor lad' who had been involved in a terrible accident two weeks before and who was, wait for it, here is the killer.......... 12 weeks pregnant with his baby.

He apparently asked her to have a termination and told her that he doesn't want it but she is going ahead anyway and is very happy about it, she already has two kids, she has also, been to the hospital to see him.

I was a bit gobsmacked if I'm honest, I've spent the last two weeks hurt and worried sick and then this news lands, I'm not sure it has really 'landed' with me yet if I'm honest, I think it will, probably at some point soon but at the moment it's still sinking in, I'm still hoping it's really someone else, although I obviously know it's not, so I guess there endeth this story.

Dodo Hunter keeps making a Facebook message reappearance saying that something is meant to happen between us, bless him.

I said to Baggage Boy yesterday that if you put 1000 men in a room and 999 were nice, I would still pick the one that was a cunt, I'm not sure that's an exaggeration, that does seem to be how life works for me.

I don't know where my luck comes from, I'm not sure what I feel at the moment but it's certainly not a very happy, fluffy place, I could happily shut myself away from the world and sleep forever at the moment, work is hard going, I don't want to be there and some idiot is never far from my mind at the moment, why do I do this to myself?!

Am seeing the Best Friend for curry tonight, much needed but I don't really want to do people at the moment!

The Birthday came and went.......

It’s been a funny old time since the last post.

Since my last post a lot has happened, 22 kept in touch, he was due to come out for a drink for my birthday the weekend before last, he text me during the evening on the Saturday, said he would come into town, we saw him from a distance but Evil Twin threw a strop with a ‘he’s 22 for gods sake’ (she has been seeing two 32 year olds and she’s 42 btw, yes there is 15 between me and 22 but....) she threw a strop about going up to the club (where they were and the only place open after 1) so we went home, in a taxi, in silence.

I got a message from him at 3:30 that morning but didn’t answer it when I received it that Sunday morning (there was nothing really to answer)

Sunday came with no more messages but as I’d not replied I’d not necessarily expected one, had another rubbish evening out, including an Indian and DVD with Uniform and Evil Twin (who I’m a little annoyed with still)

Monday (Birthday) arrives and I have lunch and shopping planned with ET and her daughter and dinner with another friend, I wake up to friend’s voicemail saying she can’t go out for dinner because she’s ill and has been for four days (she never bothered to warn me) at about 11 I get a text from ET, telling me that the accident that shut the road yesterday involved 22.

I was frozen, I responded asking if he was ok, for an hour and a half I wondered if he was dead or alive, I then sent another message asking, to which she replied ‘sorry we were getting ready’ REALLY?! They were an hour late to pick me up (I hate late with a passion) and by the time they arrived I was just about ready to not go and spend my birthday sulking at home alone.

When I got in the car she said that he’d had to be cut out (her ex is a retained fireman) and that she thought he had a broken tib and fib and pelvic damage, she went through all of the ‘he was probably drinking’ etc and appeared to have no regard for how I would be feeling. I got through the day but felt pretty awful.

I blamed myself that I’d not gone to the club, that I’d not replied and many other things, I looked up the news that night and there was an article about the accident, if I’d not already heard it I’ve have known straight away from the car, it said that he’d been taken to the big hospital 40 miles away and was serious, I called ET who didn’t seem concerned by the panic in my voice and told me not to worry (REALLY?!)

I spoke to another friend who said she would call the hospital at 9 the next morning, the next morning I was back at work and in meetings, I waited for the call, then got a message to say she’d overslept (my friends aren’t looking great here are they?!) She eventually called around 2 to tell me that he was in Intensive Care following surgery and was stable, I felt better but to be honest I was still completely out of my mind with worry.

I sent his sister a message (we’ve barely spoken since the incident of pouring a drink over her blokes head) but she appeared grateful of my offer of support (she obviously knows no detail here, or at least I hope she doesn’t) we exchanged a few messages over the coming days, she told me he was in a bad way but stable and making slow improvements, I felt happier but was desperate to know he was ok and to hear from him

We exchanged a few messages that week about how he was doing and how she and the kids were but I was very upset when she said he needed another operation but that his body was too swollen and his sats were too low.

I thought about going to the hospital, sending cakes, sending a card, all of the options I could think of, I also thought about bumping into his parents, his sister and all of the questions that would be asked if I did.

I also tortured myself over the conversations that we had had over the past few months, when he’d told me what car he was getting and I’d warned him that it would be too much for him and offered to give him lessons in driving it properly, or when I’d spoken to him the previous week about drink driving and how stupid it was, or why I’d kept saying no when he asked to come over and about a million other things, I’d tried to call his phone but it went straight to voicemail

I felt totally muddled, my brain wasn’t working properly, I went and brought a card (well two actually) with the plan of taking it to his sisters the following week.

I was going to Brands Hatch for Superbikes on the Saturday and decided that I was going to try and take my mind off of it, at least for a day, my friend was racing at 9:40 so I had to be there early but spent most of the journey down there worry and over thinking, I got there and it was lovely, they are lovely people that should really be prescribed on the NHS.

22 was still very close to my thoughts and at 9:39 just as we walked out to watch the first race my phone pinged, I picked it up and a very familiar name appeared, I think I looked at it about four times prior to opening it and I’m pretty sure that a couple of tears of relief sprang to my eyes.

The message was the same as the one that I’d got a lot over the past few months ‘you ok x’ is what it said, I replied asking if he was shitting me, we had a conversation where he told me he was ok, I still don’t know how the accident happened and I’m not sure I really care to be honest but I do know that he has two broken feet, broken legs, broken ribs and a broken nose, so all in all you could say he’s a bit broken!

I had a great day that day, the whole world looked brighter and the bike friends are amazing, a great cheer up mechanism.

When I walked into work on the Monday one of the girls in the office said how nice it was to see me happy again and to be honest I really felt it. Monday got better as the disciplinary I’d been asked to support was for the hottest guy that works for us, that sadly doesn’t come into the office anywhere near enough, so I got to spend an hour with him and I guarantee that there was no way in the world that they were sacking him!

22 and I had continued to speak a bit on the Sunday and the Monday brought the normal ‘hows work x’ message to which I responded. We talked a bit during the day while I was at work and into the evening. I asked if he wanted me to go over and cheer him up, it took a lot for me to ask that if I’m honest he replied saying no, it’s ok, I can’t pretend that it didn’t hit me like a smack in the face because the truth is it did, I’d wanted nothing more from the moment I’d heard about the accident but to go and see him. I replied in the vein of how he normally responds to me and said Charming, don’t say I never offered, to which he replied that he has too many visitors.

And that is where we are now, it’s now Thursday, I’ve not responded. I want to but I can’t, I’m hurt, I need some time to lick my wounds, I don’t know what to say, there was nothing to respond to really in that message, I guess I feel like I need to take a step back from it, I do feel like I need to protect myself, mainly from my own feelings, I’m feeling things that I never expected to, I’ve always had my sensible head on with this one, how did anything else creep in there and ruin that?

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so lacking in support from my friends, had it been ET in my position I guarantee that I’d have gone to the club that night, I’ve never judged her even when I thought she was in the wrong and I’d have been checking that she was ok, I guess we have to accept that not everyone is like us or behaves like us, I pride myself in being thoughtful but it seems not everyone is prepared to go the extra mile.

My head is a messy place right now, someone at work yesterday asked me the name of the four year old (Baggage Boy’s son) and would you believe it my mind was totally blank, I had it again today (several times actually) I had the attendee’s at a meeting and when I typed it up the initials of one person I couldn’t place at all (they are also 22’s initials that pop up on the screen of my phone) it was however someone that I deal with very regularly and wouldn’t normally forget. I don’t know how to pull my head out of this deep, dark place.

I guess on a positive note there is no chance that I will see 22 for months as his recovery will be long, if he had been drinking he’ll also lose his licence which means the months may become years, I still keep looking at my phone and wanting his name to pop up, it isn’t currently but I guess when he has too many visitors he won’t be worrying about me.

Things on my mind currently are why for the past four months has he text me most days, asked to come to see me more times than I could count (it’s obviously not just about getting his leg over as we did that over three months ago!) but he doesn’t want to see me when I am frankly desperate to see him (he probably doesn’t realise I’m desperate to see him thankfully)

Well, that’s my woes out onto the page, maybe writing down how I feel will make my head stop playing these games with me, I wonder if it’s like a computer when you have too many applications open? The computer just freezes for a little while to let itself catch up?

Catching Up.........

It's been a busy couple of weeks, we started with the Knight in Shining Leathers, I've bumped into him a couple of times, things have been as normal as ever, just what I expected, I really like that we have that still.

22 has been in touch a lot, most days, the first time I've seen him out was last Sunday, I was out with a friend and Baggage Boy was due to come over for the evening after he'd dropped the four year old off.

Knight was supposed to be away for the weekend and I'd not seen 22 for weeks so thought I'd be safe, of course I was wrong!

Sitting in the garden and in walks Knight, 45 minutes later 22 walks in, so there is me feeling a little awkward, then I get a call from Baggage Boy, I'll be over in about 45 minutes, awkward is now setting in, then I see that 22 is sitting with a girl, ok, that makes it a bit easier.

In walks Baggage Boy, walks straight up, gives me a big kiss and cuddle and sits down, he's an outsider so obviously everyone feels the need to look, my evil twin was out with me and a guy that she quite likes so we looked like quite a foursome.

He smelt amazing and had his shoulders out, which are my main two weaknesses when it comes to the male species, he knows that, even evil twin mentioned how amazing he smelt.

We had a right giggle Baggage Boy fitted right in with us, lots of laughing, eventually we went to the other guys house for a drink after closing, BB had water, we had tea, he fell asleep on the sofa, so we came home, he hadn't given me much notice so he had to sleep in with me, this had been discussed already.

He is really cuddly, I'm more of a cuddle then move over and sleep but he was having none of it, every time I tried to move he pulled me closer, he did make a couple of attempts at something more but I stopped it from happening, I think it would really ruin things, we aren't compatible longterm and I know that if it went further I would end up being hurt and I don't really want that to happen, I was gentle about it but he knew that it wasn't happening, he left Monday morning and I've heard little from him this week, I'm now at the stage where I don't miss him when he's not around like I did last year, in fact its the first time I've really thought about it today.

I got a message on Sunday night from 22 asking if I was ignoring him, I wasn't ignoring him at all, we just never got the chance to speak really, on Monday morning he text asking me who I was with, so I said I was with evil twin, no he said, he wanted to know who the lads were, I joked and said Mr Sunday and then said the BB was a friend.

The texts continued through the week, on Weds evil twin and I went for a drink as it was boiling hot, we were sat in the garden when 22 walked in, with the same girl, as I walked in the bar later on, I'm sure I saw him kissing her, I was actually a little hurt about it, when I'd returned the 'who were you with' he'd said two mates, I came home and never thought I'd hear from him again, he appeared to have a pretty, skinny, 21 year old girlfriend in tow.

The morning after I got a message in reply to the last one I'd sent the day before, I'd not expected to hear from him and didn't really know what to do with it, whether to reply or ignore it, eventually I replied and we were chatted, I mentioned his girlfriend and he told me he didn't have one, he as usual asked what I was doing that night and I'd told evil twin the night before that if I turned down opportunities again she should slap me, when I spoke to her about it she said I should invite him over and give it a chance.

So next time he asked, I said nothing and he asked if he could come over, I said yes.
I got home from work, tidied up, got sorted and he didn't show, he's been asking pretty much everyday since that night and I've kept saying no, the one day I say yes and he's a no show!!

The next morning I get a message saying he fell asleep, again the conversation went on for most of the day.

Friday night evil twin and I walked into the pub and he was there, with the non girlfriend again, as soon as we walked in you could see that she had an issue with it, she didn't leave his side and then they had an argument, he friends took him out of there, as he walked past he asked if I was ignoring him today, I said I never ignore him and he came to speak for a couple of minutes, she looked really annoyed and he left.

I got a message on the Saturday and we had a bit of a chat, I mentioned the girlfriend being unhappy and he said he thought the fact that she wasn't the girlfriend was the actual issue.

I walked into the pub that night and he was there with a bunch of friends, he called me over, making a comment about ignoring him again and saying that I get him into trouble, we talked for a few minutes before I went over to my friends.

When I got there the guy said that all four of them were looking at my arse as I walked over!

After an hour or so they left to go to town, I was a bit put out by that, I think I like him a little more than I should, we've always had this little thing between us, I find it quite annoying.

I had a few messages during the night, including that he thought I had an admirer, he meant one of his friends but I've not heard anything so far today.

We all (me, evil twin, the bloke that evil twin quite likes) went back to Uniforms for a drink, then came home, the bloke that evil twin likes was quite keen on going into town, I'd have been up for it myself too but evil twin was having none of it, so went home and went to bed.

We'd had a conversation with someone in the evening, saying they'd been thinking of setting one of the lads up with their niece but were thinking twice as he was a friend of 22's and he'd already screwed one of the niece's over, I never got much more in the way of detail but it's concerned me, maybe he isn't the person I think he is and he is actually what they all say?

Mixed up is the word I think, why do I always go for things I can't have or are no good for me? Uniform would be perfect in so many ways and adores me, there is also another bloke that I know from 'real life' but got in touch with again on a dating site who apparently thinks I'm amazing still I can't even be bothered to go and meet him, we have the friends son, who if I clicked my fingers he'd ask how high, am I interested in any of them? No, of course I'm not.

I would love life to be simple but it seems it never will be for me, I am a roller coaster nightmare, the harder they play the more I like them it seems, if there were 100 men in the room and 99 were nice I'd still manage to find the complete idiot, I seem to have a radar.

A little catch up.........

It's been four months since I've posted, can't believe I've left it that long.

The dating front is still the same as really, I think it's me, I'm not really sure i want anything unless he's perfect and of course no one ever is, so I'll give you a quick catch up on the last few months.

Baggage boy continues to be around and we see each other fairly regularly, we have a bit of a weird relationship, it seems to fit directly between friendship and a relationship, he phones me most days, is there if I need anything, we spend nights curled up on the sofa watching movies but that's where it ends, it's a funny old situation but he does bring a bit of brightness to my life.

I met the four year old a couple of weeks ago, it's only taken me nine months to agree to it, he looks just like his Dad and like his Dad from the moment we met we hit it off, we went to Nando's for dinner and he came and gave me a a hug and kiss before bedtime which was a bit of a shock.

Apparently when Baggage Boy had a friend over on the Saturday the four year old told the friend he loved me, bless!

I've written a separate post on '22' as he makes his first appearance in the blog.

We're going back a few years now my Knight in Shining Leathers made a re-entry, you probably won't remember him as it was five years ago the first time, he was very important following my split with my big love, who by all accounts was a bit of a twat, he picked me up from a pretty terrible place, we were both going through a rough time and picked each other up, we stayed close for years after and always chat when we see each other, It's still mentioned from time to time that there is something between us but there hasn't been for years, well until last night.

I've hardly been out this year but was looking forward to a night out, we'd been out for a while when he arrived, he gave me a hug and kiss and we chatted before going our separate ways, we were then sat at a table and he came and joined us and when we left he came along, we sat together in the pub and he said he'd walk me home (he usually does if we are out together) although I didn't realise he's moved and is now at the other end of the village, I mentioned it and he said it wasn't an issue he was passing anyway, when we got to mine he came in (again normal) we sat chatting over tea and he was telling me about splitting with his girlfriend a couple of months ago.

I was rather shocked when he kissed me, it was unexpected to say the least but nice at that. After a few hours I said I needed to go to bed and asked if he was staying (again nothing abnormal) although what happened next was not how it normally does and I honestly didn't expect anything to happen but it did, he left at about 11 the next morning, it's funny nothing has changed in five years, we're still as natural together as we have always been, I don't think I really like him 'like that' these days but it was nice, I think we maybe both needed some affection and we have always been there for each other, he's a lovely guy and I've got a lot of time for him.

Who bloody knew!

22..........

I've had a bit of a 'thing' with someone we'll call 22 (because he is!) I've known him for over four years now, he used to ask me out back then when he was 18 but I obviously used to say no, I saw him at the end of last year, puberty did a fabulous job on him, I remember thinking 'you've missed a trick there' he'd been a rather gawky teenager, talk, skinny, glasses, he's filled out a bit, does a manual job, got contacts and looks really good. We had a chat about how he was doing, how his parents were etc, he'd been with his girlfriend a couple of years and was due to get married, so we chatted about that. Thought nothing more of it.

A few months later he suddenly reappeared on Facebook, he told me him and the gf had split, she was a psychopath (we knew that already) and he'd pop round for a cuppa and tell me all about it, which he did on the Friday, he asked if I wanted him to bring wine round which I declined as I didn't think it was a good idea, he came round for a cuppa, two cups of tea, lots of laughing and chatting and he went home, it wasn't quite that straight forward as one of his best mates is my neighbour, so he knew he'd been here.

I got messages each day for the following week and I bumped into him in the pub on Friday, he joined us and we chatted, they went off somewhere else and the texting continued, could be come round for a cuppa, which he did, he stayed and well you can guess the rest, it was a nice night, he's really sweet, he text me as soon as he left.

Since then he's asked to come round quite a lot but I keep declining, it just feels set up which I don't want it to be, we're not talking everyday but still regularly, I turned him down coming round this week, I'm not sure I want to turn him down really, if we were both out in the same place at the same time I'm pretty sure something would happen again, we will see.

The two and a half years of no sex is officially over and rather spectacularly too!!