Tuesday, 8 November 2016
Another week goes by with a muddled head.........
I guess it's a funny time here, that boy just seems to send me into flat out spin, Friday and Saturday seemed to continue in the same vein as Thursday evening was spent, can I see you, I miss you, I've missed speaking to you, I needed time to sort things out, get her moved out, will you come up, I've like to take you for a drink to apologise, let me take you for dinner, come up for a weekend, the chemistry between is amazing, all I wanted to do last time I saw you was kiss you but I knew you'd not let me touch you, I'm sorry I hurt you, I feel awful for it, goodnight my blue eyed beauty, blah, blah, blah.
Sunday he was quieter, Monday same again, I still got a good morning but we'd not spoken since before 9 the night before, after some really late one's, it's now Tuesday, I haven't answered him since 11pm last night and it's now been a whole week since I got those two little notifications that he was back in my life.
I've thought about it, overthought about it, slept on it several times, overthought it some more and I'm still no further forward.
I think in truth I'd drop everything tomorrow and run to him, if I thought that would help but I'm just not convinced that he knows what he wants. Does he actaully want me, or does he just want to hold onto me just incase? Is he a bit lonely now she's gone, can I trust a word that he says, would I ever trust him, could the distance work out.
My head is literally like being in muddy pit of quicksand, it won't stop dragging my head back under, I'd come so far, I was still thinking of him most days, if not all but he is now back to the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep.
I don't know where to go with it, I can't stand him blowing hot and cold, that drives me nuts for starters, part of me wishes I'd never sent that message last week, part of me wonders if anyone will make my heart beat so hard when I see their name on my phone again but as I've experienced once before the bigger the high, the bigger the low.
Do I pass up the chance of having another go at the whole chemistry lab for the sake of not being hurt any further? I don't know, I really don't! What I do know is that he makes me feel that there is more out there, more to this and maybe you do get another chance at is, I also know that I choose men badly, I tend to pick them wrongly, my analogy of if you put 999 really great men in a room and one C**t I would still find that one and he'd be the one that I would be attracted to, I so wish my luck would change, I've now been on my own for the best part of 7 years, don't I deserve a chance of happily ever after?