Sometimes when............

You send a message and your heart beats louder, harder and sits in your throat, really you know that if you do get a response it won't be the one you want and that you probably won't but there is still that stupid part of you that wants the response to say what it does in your head.

That's where I am now, he sent me a message saying he was on his way back (to my message asking if he was home) I sent a message asking if he fancied a stop at the services for a drink on the way back.

I know I probably won't get an answer and if I do it's likely to say that he's already home or hasn't got time or something like that, I also know that I'm sat in the office with work clothes that I wouldn't want him to see me in really and hair that I didn't wash this morning because I couldn't be arsed and wasn't going anywhere special (it's not dirty but not how I'd want him to see it) I know that I've put weight on and feel no where near as good about myself since I last saw him.

I also know that there is a massive part of me that desperately wants to see his face, to see if that electricity is still there between us when we touch, for the last time I saw him to not have ended with me sobbing for the whole of the two and a half hour journey home, for me to see him and wonder what I saw in him, but mainly for that feeling of the whole zoo instead of butterflies.

I know it's unlikely, I know he'll have a whole host of excuses but as I said, maybe, just maybe I have to stop trying to no get myself hurt and open up to whatever could be a little? (I'm not sure I really mean him in that if I'm honest, maybe just people in )

I can see he's online on Whatsapp, he's just reappeared (I know, I'm sad, I have his Whatsapp screen stood up on my desk facing me so that I could see if he had been on) he's not read the message yet, those all important two blue ticks aren't there, but he could have read it because he's online so he's probably seen it (does it say online when you aren't looking at the app? I don't know) My heart is literally sitting in my mouth, why do we put ourselves through this when we know what the outcome is? It's not like he's not had the chances is it? I would literally ditch work at this moment and go and meet him and yet he won't stop on the way through (I imagine there is probably a girl with him anyway to be honest, however I can't let my heart believe that at the moment, although it took absolute proof for me to believe about the girlfriend last time.

I know it sounds like I'm a stupid, silly girl but I'm really not, I'm a fiercely independent woman who doesn't need a man in her life and has managed on my own for most of the last seven years but I can't get over that feeling, that feeling that I could have dropped everything for him, that I couldn't stop myself from touching him, something that I have seldom felt in my life and how it was ripped away from me, I know people that fall in love all the time but I'm not one of them, I'm sure it's easier if you are more used to it.

For once, why can't I feel that with someone that feels the same? Normally I don't get the electricity, I don't get the butterflies, let alone the zoo, for once I thought it was my turn, even if he lives miles away and it would have been awkward, I was prepared for that, I was prepared for it all and probably for the first time in my life ready to not have control over something.

I literally can't take my eyes off the phone, even as I write this I can see it out of the corner of my eye, if we have guardian angels etc I would really like one of them to give me a fucking break this time!