Where do they get their timing from?

After two weeks of no conversation at all, when I was hurt and upset as I came out in the interval from the show we were stood in the foyer and a message popped onto my screen ‘Cunt Face’ was the name staring at me.

All the message said was ‘How’s you trouble’ but it made all sorts of feelings bubble, it also made me smile, which by this time was very much needed and maybe a little growl.

Had it arrived a few days earlier I don’t think I’d have replied but a few hours later I did, if anything I was a bit off with him but we chatted a bit via message, it came up that I was meant to be going up that way the next day.

At that point I felt like I ought to go, for one I needed to be kept busy so I didn’t wallow and for two our rider had fallen off the day before, he does it every time I don’t cuddle him before he goes out, so I’d got a bit of a ribbing about not going from the team, including New Mechanic.

I was fairly surprised when I got a message saying ‘If you do come up let me know I’ll come and see you or something x’

I guess I’m fairly used to me saying I’m around and him saying he’s not, I was a bit surprised to say the least.

I woke up at 6 on Sunday morning and decided that I would go, so I made the two and a half hour journey up, New Mechanic came out to meet me with my pass, kiss, hug, as usual.

I had a nice day but despite being surrounded by a lot of people I felt quite lonely, lovey dovey couples seemed to be out in force to rub my nose in it and I continued (and continue) to beat myself up about what I did wrong, how I couldn’t tell he was a shit in gentleman’s clothing etc, I was a little more subdued than normal, I didn’t really realise until my friend text me later to check if I was ok.

I messaged Cunt Face saying ‘I take it you aren’t popping over then?!’ around 4:30 and didn’t expect to hear anything else, he had told me that he was having the car on a rolling road so I was expecting an excuse, when I got ‘Just near home welcome to pop in for a brew if you want’

I JUST GOT INVITED TO HIS HOUSE………………………

I asked how far it was in relation to where I was, he said about half hour, however it was in the wrong direction, now here is the dilemma…………………

If I go to his house we know where it’s likely to end up don’t we? I’m upset, feel like shit about myself, have been beating myself up for days, had I not been out all day and was wearing better underwear I might just have gone but it was probably for the best………….but I wanted to go to his house, I wanted to see if there was any sign of a girlfriend, I’d only been half-heartedly invited before but this time he’d sent his postcode, I could investigate……..

Acting on my better judgement I suggested he come down to where I was and we meet in a pub, I expected a ‘no’ I didn’t get one, instead he asked where I wanted to meet, I let him chose a pub and instead of picking one that I needed to go miles to find he picked one within five minutes of where I was, at that point I was grateful to have my makeup bag and some perfume in the car.

I am pretty sure he has a girlfriend now, following some digging but I can’t prove that, I’ve not asked but every time I’ve seen him he’s volunteered that it’s not the case and he is single, normally this would bother me and it was on my list to possibly bring up that night, dependent on where the conversation took us.  

When I got to the pub he was waiting in the car, I’d already felt the nerves on the way there, didn’t know what I was heading into, however I’d spent the last few days feeling pretty numb and I wanted to feel something, I was pretty sure he’d make that happen, one way or the other.

I wasn’t wrong, we walked towards each other and he immediately wrapped me in his arms and kissed me, on the mouth but not a proper kiss, we probably both held on a little tighter and longer than we should have, he holds me so tight that I can feel the stress coming out of me.

We spent the next three and a half hours laughing and talking, at points during the evening he held my hand, kissed my hand and at one point held onto my wedding finger, which I didn’t get until I was on my way home later. In the good old days before I knew about the girlfriend that he said was his lodger he used to refer to me as his wife, I can’t believe I’d forgotten especially after all the times I’d jokingly sent him a photo of a set of divorce papers as a joke, if only I’d known back then.

He again apologised for his behaviour last year, at this point I nearly brought up the girlfriend, I think I was stopped by the fact that my weekend had been so shit and emotional I just wanted to enjoy what time we had together and would I get the truth anyway? I’m normally a girl that wouldn’t dream of touching someone else’s boyfriend but in this instance, I honestly didn’t feel like I cared, that’s his job, not mine.

He told me lovely things about myself all night long, said I was sexy, how he loved my company, I always make him laugh, always thinks I’m younger than I am, that I’m much more reasonable than anyone he knows, now you are sat reading this thinking ‘she knows from experience he’s full of bullshit’ and you are right, I do but what CD has been telling me for the last two months has been bullshit too, the only difference was that I didn’t know with him and I do with CF.

After two drinks, three and a half hours and a stupid amount of flirting we left, he walked me to my car (which was a bit mad as it was nearly opposite his!) He again wrapped me in his arms and I have to say it felt amazingly good, everything I felt bubbled back to the surface, even thinking about it now has given me goosebumps, he kissed me again and then we said goodbye, as he walked off he slapped my arse (fairly usual) and I turned and looked at him at which point he walked back to me and cuddled me again.

Normally this goes on for a while before we have a proper, old fashioned snog, however this time unlike every other there is no doubt that I kissed him.

It’s different with him, with CD it was quite slow, nice, gentle kissing with CF it’s we literally can’t keep our hands off each other, hot ‘I want you’ kissing, you couldn’t compare it, he pulled my hair a little and in return I put my hand down his back and to be fair I know exactly what that does to him.

He was getting a little out of hand in a public car park so I pushed him back just a little and said goodnight, I think we both left with a smile as he told me to message when I got home.

The attraction between us when we are together is off the scale, in fact probably so much so that I’m not sure it would be sustainable long term, we struggle to let go of each other when we are together, we always have but each time I’ve walked away from him it’s gotten a little easier – that’s got to be good right? I don’t think we’d work out long term, I’d never trust him for one.

I have very little doubt where we would have ended up had I gone to his for tea, maybe that would have been good, maybe bad, I don’t know, I’m not totally unconvinced that at some point in the future it won’t happen though.

I know he’ll go off radar soon and I’m not going to say I’m ok with that but I know it’s coming and I’ll deal with it when it does.

I felt a little power shift this weekend I think, he suggested meeting, he came to me, he was the last to send a message last night.

I sent him this today, it’s probably quite apt for where we are right now………………..

Maybe Cunt Face is my DuctTape? We all know that DuctTape probably won’t be a forever fix but it does have its uses for repairing things in the short term?