The Birthday came and went.......

It’s been a funny old time since the last post.

Since my last post a lot has happened, 22 kept in touch, he was due to come out for a drink for my birthday the weekend before last, he text me during the evening on the Saturday, said he would come into town, we saw him from a distance but Evil Twin threw a strop with a ‘he’s 22 for gods sake’ (she has been seeing two 32 year olds and she’s 42 btw, yes there is 15 between me and 22 but....) she threw a strop about going up to the club (where they were and the only place open after 1) so we went home, in a taxi, in silence.

I got a message from him at 3:30 that morning but didn’t answer it when I received it that Sunday morning (there was nothing really to answer)

Sunday came with no more messages but as I’d not replied I’d not necessarily expected one, had another rubbish evening out, including an Indian and DVD with Uniform and Evil Twin (who I’m a little annoyed with still)

Monday (Birthday) arrives and I have lunch and shopping planned with ET and her daughter and dinner with another friend, I wake up to friend’s voicemail saying she can’t go out for dinner because she’s ill and has been for four days (she never bothered to warn me) at about 11 I get a text from ET, telling me that the accident that shut the road yesterday involved 22.

I was frozen, I responded asking if he was ok, for an hour and a half I wondered if he was dead or alive, I then sent another message asking, to which she replied ‘sorry we were getting ready’ REALLY?! They were an hour late to pick me up (I hate late with a passion) and by the time they arrived I was just about ready to not go and spend my birthday sulking at home alone.

When I got in the car she said that he’d had to be cut out (her ex is a retained fireman) and that she thought he had a broken tib and fib and pelvic damage, she went through all of the ‘he was probably drinking’ etc and appeared to have no regard for how I would be feeling. I got through the day but felt pretty awful.

I blamed myself that I’d not gone to the club, that I’d not replied and many other things, I looked up the news that night and there was an article about the accident, if I’d not already heard it I’ve have known straight away from the car, it said that he’d been taken to the big hospital 40 miles away and was serious, I called ET who didn’t seem concerned by the panic in my voice and told me not to worry (REALLY?!)

I spoke to another friend who said she would call the hospital at 9 the next morning, the next morning I was back at work and in meetings, I waited for the call, then got a message to say she’d overslept (my friends aren’t looking great here are they?!) She eventually called around 2 to tell me that he was in Intensive Care following surgery and was stable, I felt better but to be honest I was still completely out of my mind with worry.

I sent his sister a message (we’ve barely spoken since the incident of pouring a drink over her blokes head) but she appeared grateful of my offer of support (she obviously knows no detail here, or at least I hope she doesn’t) we exchanged a few messages over the coming days, she told me he was in a bad way but stable and making slow improvements, I felt happier but was desperate to know he was ok and to hear from him

We exchanged a few messages that week about how he was doing and how she and the kids were but I was very upset when she said he needed another operation but that his body was too swollen and his sats were too low.

I thought about going to the hospital, sending cakes, sending a card, all of the options I could think of, I also thought about bumping into his parents, his sister and all of the questions that would be asked if I did.

I also tortured myself over the conversations that we had had over the past few months, when he’d told me what car he was getting and I’d warned him that it would be too much for him and offered to give him lessons in driving it properly, or when I’d spoken to him the previous week about drink driving and how stupid it was, or why I’d kept saying no when he asked to come over and about a million other things, I’d tried to call his phone but it went straight to voicemail

I felt totally muddled, my brain wasn’t working properly, I went and brought a card (well two actually) with the plan of taking it to his sisters the following week.

I was going to Brands Hatch for Superbikes on the Saturday and decided that I was going to try and take my mind off of it, at least for a day, my friend was racing at 9:40 so I had to be there early but spent most of the journey down there worry and over thinking, I got there and it was lovely, they are lovely people that should really be prescribed on the NHS.

22 was still very close to my thoughts and at 9:39 just as we walked out to watch the first race my phone pinged, I picked it up and a very familiar name appeared, I think I looked at it about four times prior to opening it and I’m pretty sure that a couple of tears of relief sprang to my eyes.

The message was the same as the one that I’d got a lot over the past few months ‘you ok x’ is what it said, I replied asking if he was shitting me, we had a conversation where he told me he was ok, I still don’t know how the accident happened and I’m not sure I really care to be honest but I do know that he has two broken feet, broken legs, broken ribs and a broken nose, so all in all you could say he’s a bit broken!

I had a great day that day, the whole world looked brighter and the bike friends are amazing, a great cheer up mechanism.

When I walked into work on the Monday one of the girls in the office said how nice it was to see me happy again and to be honest I really felt it. Monday got better as the disciplinary I’d been asked to support was for the hottest guy that works for us, that sadly doesn’t come into the office anywhere near enough, so I got to spend an hour with him and I guarantee that there was no way in the world that they were sacking him!

22 and I had continued to speak a bit on the Sunday and the Monday brought the normal ‘hows work x’ message to which I responded. We talked a bit during the day while I was at work and into the evening. I asked if he wanted me to go over and cheer him up, it took a lot for me to ask that if I’m honest he replied saying no, it’s ok, I can’t pretend that it didn’t hit me like a smack in the face because the truth is it did, I’d wanted nothing more from the moment I’d heard about the accident but to go and see him. I replied in the vein of how he normally responds to me and said Charming, don’t say I never offered, to which he replied that he has too many visitors.

And that is where we are now, it’s now Thursday, I’ve not responded. I want to but I can’t, I’m hurt, I need some time to lick my wounds, I don’t know what to say, there was nothing to respond to really in that message, I guess I feel like I need to take a step back from it, I do feel like I need to protect myself, mainly from my own feelings, I’m feeling things that I never expected to, I’ve always had my sensible head on with this one, how did anything else creep in there and ruin that?

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so lacking in support from my friends, had it been ET in my position I guarantee that I’d have gone to the club that night, I’ve never judged her even when I thought she was in the wrong and I’d have been checking that she was ok, I guess we have to accept that not everyone is like us or behaves like us, I pride myself in being thoughtful but it seems not everyone is prepared to go the extra mile.

My head is a messy place right now, someone at work yesterday asked me the name of the four year old (Baggage Boy’s son) and would you believe it my mind was totally blank, I had it again today (several times actually) I had the attendee’s at a meeting and when I typed it up the initials of one person I couldn’t place at all (they are also 22’s initials that pop up on the screen of my phone) it was however someone that I deal with very regularly and wouldn’t normally forget. I don’t know how to pull my head out of this deep, dark place.

I guess on a positive note there is no chance that I will see 22 for months as his recovery will be long, if he had been drinking he’ll also lose his licence which means the months may become years, I still keep looking at my phone and wanting his name to pop up, it isn’t currently but I guess when he has too many visitors he won’t be worrying about me.

Things on my mind currently are why for the past four months has he text me most days, asked to come to see me more times than I could count (it’s obviously not just about getting his leg over as we did that over three months ago!) but he doesn’t want to see me when I am frankly desperate to see him (he probably doesn’t realise I’m desperate to see him thankfully)

Well, that’s my woes out onto the page, maybe writing down how I feel will make my head stop playing these games with me, I wonder if it’s like a computer when you have too many applications open? The computer just freezes for a little while to let itself catch up?

Catching Up.........

It's been a busy couple of weeks, we started with the Knight in Shining Leathers, I've bumped into him a couple of times, things have been as normal as ever, just what I expected, I really like that we have that still.

22 has been in touch a lot, most days, the first time I've seen him out was last Sunday, I was out with a friend and Baggage Boy was due to come over for the evening after he'd dropped the four year old off.

Knight was supposed to be away for the weekend and I'd not seen 22 for weeks so thought I'd be safe, of course I was wrong!

Sitting in the garden and in walks Knight, 45 minutes later 22 walks in, so there is me feeling a little awkward, then I get a call from Baggage Boy, I'll be over in about 45 minutes, awkward is now setting in, then I see that 22 is sitting with a girl, ok, that makes it a bit easier.

In walks Baggage Boy, walks straight up, gives me a big kiss and cuddle and sits down, he's an outsider so obviously everyone feels the need to look, my evil twin was out with me and a guy that she quite likes so we looked like quite a foursome.

He smelt amazing and had his shoulders out, which are my main two weaknesses when it comes to the male species, he knows that, even evil twin mentioned how amazing he smelt.

We had a right giggle Baggage Boy fitted right in with us, lots of laughing, eventually we went to the other guys house for a drink after closing, BB had water, we had tea, he fell asleep on the sofa, so we came home, he hadn't given me much notice so he had to sleep in with me, this had been discussed already.

He is really cuddly, I'm more of a cuddle then move over and sleep but he was having none of it, every time I tried to move he pulled me closer, he did make a couple of attempts at something more but I stopped it from happening, I think it would really ruin things, we aren't compatible longterm and I know that if it went further I would end up being hurt and I don't really want that to happen, I was gentle about it but he knew that it wasn't happening, he left Monday morning and I've heard little from him this week, I'm now at the stage where I don't miss him when he's not around like I did last year, in fact its the first time I've really thought about it today.

I got a message on Sunday night from 22 asking if I was ignoring him, I wasn't ignoring him at all, we just never got the chance to speak really, on Monday morning he text asking me who I was with, so I said I was with evil twin, no he said, he wanted to know who the lads were, I joked and said Mr Sunday and then said the BB was a friend.

The texts continued through the week, on Weds evil twin and I went for a drink as it was boiling hot, we were sat in the garden when 22 walked in, with the same girl, as I walked in the bar later on, I'm sure I saw him kissing her, I was actually a little hurt about it, when I'd returned the 'who were you with' he'd said two mates, I came home and never thought I'd hear from him again, he appeared to have a pretty, skinny, 21 year old girlfriend in tow.

The morning after I got a message in reply to the last one I'd sent the day before, I'd not expected to hear from him and didn't really know what to do with it, whether to reply or ignore it, eventually I replied and we were chatted, I mentioned his girlfriend and he told me he didn't have one, he as usual asked what I was doing that night and I'd told evil twin the night before that if I turned down opportunities again she should slap me, when I spoke to her about it she said I should invite him over and give it a chance.

So next time he asked, I said nothing and he asked if he could come over, I said yes.
I got home from work, tidied up, got sorted and he didn't show, he's been asking pretty much everyday since that night and I've kept saying no, the one day I say yes and he's a no show!!

The next morning I get a message saying he fell asleep, again the conversation went on for most of the day.

Friday night evil twin and I walked into the pub and he was there, with the non girlfriend again, as soon as we walked in you could see that she had an issue with it, she didn't leave his side and then they had an argument, he friends took him out of there, as he walked past he asked if I was ignoring him today, I said I never ignore him and he came to speak for a couple of minutes, she looked really annoyed and he left.

I got a message on the Saturday and we had a bit of a chat, I mentioned the girlfriend being unhappy and he said he thought the fact that she wasn't the girlfriend was the actual issue.

I walked into the pub that night and he was there with a bunch of friends, he called me over, making a comment about ignoring him again and saying that I get him into trouble, we talked for a few minutes before I went over to my friends.

When I got there the guy said that all four of them were looking at my arse as I walked over!

After an hour or so they left to go to town, I was a bit put out by that, I think I like him a little more than I should, we've always had this little thing between us, I find it quite annoying.

I had a few messages during the night, including that he thought I had an admirer, he meant one of his friends but I've not heard anything so far today.

We all (me, evil twin, the bloke that evil twin quite likes) went back to Uniforms for a drink, then came home, the bloke that evil twin likes was quite keen on going into town, I'd have been up for it myself too but evil twin was having none of it, so went home and went to bed.

We'd had a conversation with someone in the evening, saying they'd been thinking of setting one of the lads up with their niece but were thinking twice as he was a friend of 22's and he'd already screwed one of the niece's over, I never got much more in the way of detail but it's concerned me, maybe he isn't the person I think he is and he is actually what they all say?

Mixed up is the word I think, why do I always go for things I can't have or are no good for me? Uniform would be perfect in so many ways and adores me, there is also another bloke that I know from 'real life' but got in touch with again on a dating site who apparently thinks I'm amazing still I can't even be bothered to go and meet him, we have the friends son, who if I clicked my fingers he'd ask how high, am I interested in any of them? No, of course I'm not.

I would love life to be simple but it seems it never will be for me, I am a roller coaster nightmare, the harder they play the more I like them it seems, if there were 100 men in the room and 99 were nice I'd still manage to find the complete idiot, I seem to have a radar.

A little catch up.........

It's been four months since I've posted, can't believe I've left it that long.

The dating front is still the same as really, I think it's me, I'm not really sure i want anything unless he's perfect and of course no one ever is, so I'll give you a quick catch up on the last few months.

Baggage boy continues to be around and we see each other fairly regularly, we have a bit of a weird relationship, it seems to fit directly between friendship and a relationship, he phones me most days, is there if I need anything, we spend nights curled up on the sofa watching movies but that's where it ends, it's a funny old situation but he does bring a bit of brightness to my life.

I met the four year old a couple of weeks ago, it's only taken me nine months to agree to it, he looks just like his Dad and like his Dad from the moment we met we hit it off, we went to Nando's for dinner and he came and gave me a a hug and kiss before bedtime which was a bit of a shock.

Apparently when Baggage Boy had a friend over on the Saturday the four year old told the friend he loved me, bless!

I've written a separate post on '22' as he makes his first appearance in the blog.

We're going back a few years now my Knight in Shining Leathers made a re-entry, you probably won't remember him as it was five years ago the first time, he was very important following my split with my big love, who by all accounts was a bit of a twat, he picked me up from a pretty terrible place, we were both going through a rough time and picked each other up, we stayed close for years after and always chat when we see each other, It's still mentioned from time to time that there is something between us but there hasn't been for years, well until last night.

I've hardly been out this year but was looking forward to a night out, we'd been out for a while when he arrived, he gave me a hug and kiss and we chatted before going our separate ways, we were then sat at a table and he came and joined us and when we left he came along, we sat together in the pub and he said he'd walk me home (he usually does if we are out together) although I didn't realise he's moved and is now at the other end of the village, I mentioned it and he said it wasn't an issue he was passing anyway, when we got to mine he came in (again normal) we sat chatting over tea and he was telling me about splitting with his girlfriend a couple of months ago.

I was rather shocked when he kissed me, it was unexpected to say the least but nice at that. After a few hours I said I needed to go to bed and asked if he was staying (again nothing abnormal) although what happened next was not how it normally does and I honestly didn't expect anything to happen but it did, he left at about 11 the next morning, it's funny nothing has changed in five years, we're still as natural together as we have always been, I don't think I really like him 'like that' these days but it was nice, I think we maybe both needed some affection and we have always been there for each other, he's a lovely guy and I've got a lot of time for him.

Who bloody knew!

22..........

I've had a bit of a 'thing' with someone we'll call 22 (because he is!) I've known him for over four years now, he used to ask me out back then when he was 18 but I obviously used to say no, I saw him at the end of last year, puberty did a fabulous job on him, I remember thinking 'you've missed a trick there' he'd been a rather gawky teenager, talk, skinny, glasses, he's filled out a bit, does a manual job, got contacts and looks really good. We had a chat about how he was doing, how his parents were etc, he'd been with his girlfriend a couple of years and was due to get married, so we chatted about that. Thought nothing more of it.

A few months later he suddenly reappeared on Facebook, he told me him and the gf had split, she was a psychopath (we knew that already) and he'd pop round for a cuppa and tell me all about it, which he did on the Friday, he asked if I wanted him to bring wine round which I declined as I didn't think it was a good idea, he came round for a cuppa, two cups of tea, lots of laughing and chatting and he went home, it wasn't quite that straight forward as one of his best mates is my neighbour, so he knew he'd been here.

I got messages each day for the following week and I bumped into him in the pub on Friday, he joined us and we chatted, they went off somewhere else and the texting continued, could be come round for a cuppa, which he did, he stayed and well you can guess the rest, it was a nice night, he's really sweet, he text me as soon as he left.

Since then he's asked to come round quite a lot but I keep declining, it just feels set up which I don't want it to be, we're not talking everyday but still regularly, I turned him down coming round this week, I'm not sure I want to turn him down really, if we were both out in the same place at the same time I'm pretty sure something would happen again, we will see.

The two and a half years of no sex is officially over and rather spectacularly too!!

The Medium

In September I went to see a Medium, I'd always wanted to but had always been a bit nervous about it, I made the appointment and went over on a Thursday evening.

I didn't really know what to think or what to believe, he started talking about a woman and that she was saying there was three of something but that I was the special one, I am one of three children and was my Nan's only Grandchild for 18 years so I could see something in that, he kept saying that someone was pushing her forward which he didn't understand and neither did I, until he mentioned big bikes and engine noise, I immediately burst into tears, my friend died racing in June and everything he described was him, he even described the funeral to a t, I was totally shell shocked, I've thought about him every day since we lost him and I'd been to my first race since he'd died on the Sunday, I was totally in shock.

He also told me that I'd met someone recently but that they weren't telling me the whole truth and I'd been holding myself back which described Mr Nearly There perfectly.

He also said that I was going to meet someone, he said that they would work in the Motor Industry, they would have a race car and we would have loads in common, he said that there would be a child, although he did say a girl, he said he would be more on my level than anyone before, I'd not even thought about it again until about a week or so ago, Baggage Boy is all of those apart from he has a boy and not a girl, I don't know why I'd not clicked on the motor industry job or how I'd missed it, he said nothing would happen until February although he said he didn't know why, he was quite specific on Feb though, I guess in a month's time we'll see if there is anything in that!

A perfect Sunday with a smack in the face for good measure......

He's been very chatty following losing his job, I've been trying to balance wanting to support him with keeping my distance, he offered to help me with my photography homework and I obviously didn't say no, so I went over on Sunday to take some photos, he asked what I wanted for dinner when I arrived and we decided on Chinese, we went out to take photos and as usual ended up in floods of giggles, he makes me smile so much, I can't stop myself touching him and he always sits right next to me.

When we were having dinner he said how he couldn't manage talking to anyone else for as long as we do and that the only reason he ever puts the phone down is that he has to do something, we went back to his and looked at the photos, we even liked the same one's. 

I was sitting on the sofa and he was sitting on the floor next to me, I have cold hands and he likes cold on his neck so as usual I put my hand on his neck, which he's been having issues with so I gave him a bit of a massage, which then turned to him asking if I'd do a bit on his shoulder so I did and it turned to a back and neck massage, he's changed his time for his son, he's now going to be having him all weekend instead of just one night, I said I thought it was great but would affect his social life, he said he had a babysitter that he could call on and said 'I might even want to go on a date one day' I'm so glad I wasn't looking at him, he would have probably seen that my face looked a bit like I'd been slapped and to be fair that would have been exactly how I felt, there was a second when I had my thumb in his neck that I felt like digging it in and hurting him. 

We carried on, although it had put a little bit of a dampener on it for me, as I clicked his back, back into place he again commented that no one had been able to do it like I had, I told him about the Medium from last year (I don't know if I've gone into that?) I'll pop it into the next post, I'm not sure if he was a bit weirded out, it seemed like the time. 

We were looking through old videos of his little boy, he's super cute (maybe I just think that because of his Dad?!) 

I eventually left around 11:30 after being there since 3:00, he gave me a kiss and a cuddle as usual and I left, he asked me to tell him I was home (as usual) which I did. 

I came home feeling terribly mixed up, I'd had such a lovely day but it had been ruined by the comment, I had a few tears on the way home, we've talked today by text, he called me early on this morning but I didn't answer as I was at work.

I've spoken to two friends about it and they've both said he's nuts (it's their duty!) he does send totally mixed signals, for me a massage is quite intimate (unless I'm paying for it, that's totally different)

Currently I feel like my happy is just past my fingertips, I can see it but I can't get hold of it, that is a totally rubbish feeling. 

Up and down........

I sent the present, he received it and sent a thankyou, saying he'd been having a really rough time and It had really cheered him up, I was pleased. It took me a while to respond, that was Christmas Eve, we had a couple of text on Christmas Day and then I was sitting there my phone rang, his photo popped up, I answered and we have a normal conversation, with the one I like, went back I to my friends with a massive smile, the messages kept coming and it stayed like that for the following days, he rang me on NYE and tried to get me to go out with him, I did say no (kind of wish Id gone) he asked if id like to do something the next day to which I said yes.

We had such a lovely time, bowling, dinner, movie, Nerf wars (and betting on nerf wars!) a very happy and perfect day! He walked into the living room stark naked apart from a pinny, he had all of these bets that were a bit, shall we say close to the wire! A friend mentioned that I should have jumped on him while he was in the pinny, maybe I did miss out!

 Obviously that doesn't last though and the quiet act came back and then he reappeared, we had a day at Autosport which to be fair was rubbish, he was switched off and I got home feeling let down and upset, it was a waste of make up day, I also didn't feel great so I fell asleep on the sofa, he phoned two hours later but I missed the call, a quiet few days followed, I was doing well, getting on, although feeling the pangs each day when the phone didn't go. We went 36 hours without a message and I made it without contacting him and then the text went.

I've even changed his ring and text tones so that I don't jump overtime it's him, hopefully that will help.

Life is a strange place when your me!