Cake Destroyer – Autopsy Edition

So, last update I was debating my feelings for Cake Destroyer but I was trying to allay them with the fact that we appeared to get on really well. I was concerned that I had maybe built him up to be something he wasn’t, I was in fact right about this. 

He was quieter, although the messages were still really long, I can read into anything to make it that they are interested but the last one even I couldn’t read into(attached) however something still felt off. I was battling with how I felt anyway but I had decided that maybe I spend too much time worrying about the aesthetics and that maybe I had more of a chance with someone that maybe wasn’t what I normally go for in looks but that had his moral compass pointing in the same direction as mine and that I got on well with, they do say looks don’t last forever don’t they? 

The last message I had from him appeared quite positive and would indicate he wanted to see each other again?

I got this message on Friday morning and I have to say that I was a bit miffed at this, not that he wouldn’t have time to message me, I’m totally fine with that and with him being busy but that he’d read the message I’d sent 18 hours previously and he’d been online since, my response wasn't meant as snotty, it was a 'I really don't know what's happening here' 

The message remained unread for 24 hours, I kept checking if he’d been online, he hadn’t, felt a bit shitty all day if I’m honest and I probably have RSI from checking my phone, to be honest if you send a message like that you probably know the answer. 

I went to bed early, I was feeling hurt already, I woke up at 7 andhe'd been online in the middle of the night (I assume when he'd got home) my message remained unread, to me it was the kind of message that if you were bothered and you'd have seen it you would have responded immediately, I went back to sleep. 

When I woke up again I could see that he’d read it but again no response, 27 hours after it was sent I saw typing and my heart was in my mouth, the response was both what I was kind of expecting and what I didn’t want it to be. 

 It seemed like a bit of a bullshit response to me if I'm honest. 

I was upset, upset because if he was the person he had spent two months telling me that he was he would have sent the message before I had to push him into it. I spent Saturday pretty upset if I’m honest, upset at myself for letting my guard down, upset at him because I don’t feel what he has said is true, upset because I’ve wasted another two months, upset because my radar is obviously so badly wrong. 

I'd like to say that I didn't respond, however being me, I did, I also called him out on his actions and the fact that from day one we had talked about honesty and that he hadn't been. 

A day of crying ensued, I didn’t leave my bedroom until late afternoon, sat down to lunch, couldn’t eat it. I had plans with a friend that evening, which may in fact be a stroke of luck, if you remember he’d asked for us to meet that evening, that’s when date three should have been but I’d had plans, otherwise he’d have been coming to spend the night at mine and this could be a whole lot messier. 

The friend I was going out with knows the story, I’d only told her recently as she had joined Tinder and I said they weren’t all bad, ha, how far wrong can a girl be?! It took a lot of will to get me out of the front door, I wanted to cancel but we had tickets and I didn’t want to let her down, I told her I’d do my makeup at hers as I had that awful swollen crying for hours face, I cried as I left, on the way and when I got there, she’d got me flowers, which made me cry again! 

We had a nice evening, the show which was a Dirty Dancing Tribute was good, dinner was good, I welled up a couple of times but held it together. 

So, you’re wondering why I feel so hurt after just three dates? I get that I totally do. 

However, when I got in the car that evening I looked at the date and it had been going on for exactly two months, in this time I have seen him through most of RAF basic training, I’ve picked him up when he’s down, I’ve cheered him on when he didn’t think he could do it, I’ve been super patient between dates, I’ve been understanding, mostly I’ve been kind, really kind, I guess I feel that I’ve fulfilled my purpose for him now. 

We’ve exchanged messages each and every day, sometimes lots, sometimes just one, all long and involved, not your normal one liner text messages, at least 10 sentences, often telling me what he liked about me and how much and how he was looking forward to me testing his limits to ensure that he was actually a diamond instead of a twat in tinfoil. 

In the last 6 weeks, we have exchanged 425 messages, plus two weeks of Tinder messaging before that, all of his messages are long and when I say long I've done a work count and they average about 250 words a message, below is an example (it was far too long for screenshotting):

Yeah I've come to learn that over the years, and wished I'd dodged sooner. 

Rest assured that they definitely aren't. Excellent, can't wait to experience this 🤗

They'll be ready and waiting for you, no worries about that.

They grew some tomatoes in their garden so she did home made tomato soup for starter, which was insanely good, then a roast for main and apple pie for dessert.

Really? You do bring the glamour, that's a certainty. That's okay, you know I love cats so I'm happy with them joining in. I'll bring along some suitable movies too.

You wouldn't have to sleep alone though, I'll solve that issue. There isn't much by way of equal distance between us- places like Stratford and Warwick seem to have cinema shortages! Shall I just head your way instead?

Please do, they're yours to enjoy.

So winters for you are normally spent filling the voids left by superbike season? What do you normally do with yourself?

I'm sure they won't be, but you can practise your skills on me nonetheless, I'll happily volunteer for that. Pretty certain I'll feel 100% better once I seen you in that outfit, so I'll soon be wanting to rip it off of you 😉

Ah yeah that's his name! Knew I'd heard it before. How's work going so far today? X

They don't seem to be the messages of someone that is lacking in interest, would you understand how I'd got the wrong idea?

His good points were: his sense of humour, he was funny and chatty and I’m pretty sure I could have left him with a bunch of friends and he would be fine, I liked that we seemed to get on really well, never an awkward silence between us and he seemed genuinely interested in me, he never pushed the boundaries too far, never send dodgy photos and remained respectful,  I liked that he was an animal lover and liked cats in particular, he was totally unfazed by me having them, which a lot are, I liked how gentlemanly he was, probably more so than anyone I’ve dated before. 

His not so good points were: at 5’11 he was taller than me in heels but not massively, I decided I could probably live with that but if we were going for perfect it wasn’t, I really didn’t find him terribly attractive on dates 1 and 3, but I did on date 2, I put this down to the hair cut/facial hair, the look of a friend that I wasn’t sure about and the weird little facial twitch that he has I found rather off putting. The fact that he’d joined the RAF as he’d been thrown out of Police training after getting arrested for an altercation with his (ex) girlfriend, the honest, say it how it is person that he told me he was, obviously isn’t the person he really is. 

They say that you learn more about someone at the end of a relationship than you do in a relationship, although we weren’t in a relationship this is definitely true, he’s certainly shown an arrogance I hadn’t detected since I pulled him up on his behaviour. 

He told me that he was looking for Mrs Right, however one of his excuses was that getting involved with someone while unsettled isn’t a great idea, however he is still on Tinder, maybe he just wanted to get laid? That’s absolutely fine but be upfront about it?!

I have spent a lot of time going over this in my mind, what I said wrong, what I did wrong, if I should have gone out the day after my hair cut, not the day before, what's wrong with me, why can't I get it right....... 

Largely the men I meet tell me that they would like a strong woman that is honest and tells it how it is, however they soon change their mind when the strong woman is honest and tells THEM how it is. When we saw IT last week one of the quotes in it was ‘Ain’t nothing like a little fear to make a paper man crumble’ only a few days after seeing the film, the paper man did, indeed crumble.

On Saturday night when I was out a message arrived 'How's you trouble' it was from Cunt Face, two weeks after we'd last spoken and just when I was at my most vulnerable. 

Had it arrived a couple of days before I wouldn't have answered but I did and that will be the next apart of the blog!.

Frog Princess V Drunk Princess and the battle of the messages!

So, here goes………………….

I didn’t want to do an update the week before last because I’d read a message on a forum he uses (he doesn’t and won’t know I can see that) saying that for the event he was going to he ‘didn’t have a girlfriend this weekend’ which I read as not having a girlfriend for the weekend, not, not having a girlfriend…………………. Which made me wonder what he’s up to again, does he have a girlfriend, I know he did earlier in the year, I know he took a girl to the 24 hour, I even said in my post that I was suspicious of it when he told me, will I ever know? Probably not to be honest.

It hurt, it always does but wasn’t the total crash of heartbreak that it has been in the past, maybe his magic is wearing a little?

So, last week was my birthday, it’s officially my last year in my 30’s, which is a bit of a shocker if I’m honest, how did I get that old? Thankfully I’m always being told that I look younger, however I’m conscious that I’m running out of time now (if I’d like a family, which to be honest I’m not sure about but the thought of writing it off forever, however my age could take that option out of my hands)

I had arranged to go out on the Saturday night in Oxford (my hometown and best loved places for a night out) with a few of my closest friends and was meeting up with some of the boys I used to go out with in my teenage years, which I was really looking forward to.

So out were two girl friends that I’ve known since I was a teenager, one has my goddaughter and I see regularly, the other I get on really well with but only really see each other a couple of times a year, on nights out largely, also out were the Best Friend and his ex (out separately for my birthday not with each other) who is also a good friend of mine, we had a good laugh and a giggle about the past and a nice catch up, I could see the Best Friend and his ex getting closer, she admits that she has always loved him.

However she is now married (to the man that cheated on her first time around and I can’t stand due to that fact) Best Friend still has the girlfriend that he doesn’t love but sees a couple of times a week out of convenience, of the two girl friends, one is married, one is single.

Eventually we met up with the boys, which were made up by a guy I used to snog for most of the two years I was at college, at least on a weekly basis (it never went any further) his brother, who dated one of the friends briefly, their cousin, who apparently used to like me, a mate of theirs who used to be a right player but always nice and a friend of theirs that I didn’t know, all of them in relationships or married.

Sooooo, we had a great night, I danced until 3am, may have had a little snog ‘for old times sake’ with the mate from college but that’s that, yes, he is married but I didn’t initiate it and it was literally a snog and then off I went to dance with someone or the bar or something, it meant nothing and I imagine that is what he does all the time, it’s certainly the impression I got.

Anyway, excellent night, quite a substantial hangover on the Sunday, we went for breakfast at 10 and all I could manage was toast, I couldn’t even finish that. I woke up and realised I’d messaged Cunt Face the night before, it took me about two hours for me to read the message that I’d sent, you just never know what is going to happen when drunk Princess takes over town!

Anyway on the journey home I was thinking about the night before, of six men that had been out, all were in relationships, of the six one had behaved and done nothing, five of the six hadn’t, lets be honest, that’s not good odd’s is it? It’s really made me think about things, if I were to meet someone, what is the chance that they would be that one in six?

So, back to the messaging of the Drunk Princess, to be fair she doesn’t get drunk massively often, which is good and when she does she tends not to text people because she knows she is a bloody liability and regrets being a twat the next morning but we all know I have this little piece of invisible string that ties me to him.

So, in the head of the Drunk Princess it was a good idea to send him a message asking if he was stopping in on the way home from the show and telling him that sometimes it’s better to have someone in your life in whatever guise that takes, which is totally true but normal Frog Princess probably wouldn’t have told him that and if she had would have almost definitely worded it better, surely you know though if you get a text like that at 2am that there is a Drunk Princess somewhere holding her throbbing little head and wishing she’d not sent it?

When I saw a message flash up on my phone on the way to breakfast I have to admit to not really believing he’d responded and if I’m honest not wanting to read the message, oh Drunken Princess whatever will we do with you?

It was a long message, first saying that he had to read it several times as he thought I’d called him Cunt Face, then saying that he’d realised I had, that he wouldn’t have time to stop as he had to pick his Mum up from hospital.

The long bit was that he was torn, he really wanted to progress things but isn’t sure he wouldn’t as he doesn’t know if it would work and isn’t ready for anything serious, he didn’t want to fuck me around after last times, enjoys my company, I’m lovely, blah…………………………. Probably one of the longest messages I’ve had from him.

Anyway I was feeling very hungover so left it for a bit, until I’d got home, got myself showered, in PJ’s and plonked myself on the sofa and then I put together a response.

I basically said that Cunt Face was now pretty much a term of endearment (my best friend/surrogate mum is called Slut Monster and calls me Bitch Monster) and that I was a bit drunk, fairly glad that he didn’t want to meet up as I was feeling pretty hungover and obviously hadn’t worded it very well but I meant that I would really like us to be friends, I’m glad we cleared the air and put the past behind us and that I’m likely to be doing trips up north quite a lot so it would be nice to meet up if he fancied it, another long message.

He responded saying ‘you tit I’ll ring you in a bit’ and I asked if that was meant for me, I didn’t expect him to ring, I’m used to him not doing what he says he will so I popped my head down and went to sleep (I often to that to stop myself staring at the bloody phone and ease my pained little heart a bit) I woke up to a missed call and a voicemail, saying he’d try later, I tried him and he didn’t answer.

Sooooooo, that was it for a week, I was good, never sent anymore messages, got on with things quite well, I’d love to say he doesn’t cross my mind, but he does and I’d be lying but it’s not all the time and really painful currently, it’s still too often and hurts though, more a bone ache than I just got stabbed in the fucking leg kinda hurt.

In that week I went on a date, he told me 20 minutes before meeting that he was hard of hearing, he then arrived at the pub and even walking up to me I couldn’t really recognise him, I reckon his photo’s are a good 10 years out of date, although with his hearing I struggled to understand him, it wasn’t easy, I was put off by him not looking how I expected and there was masses of silence, I lasted 40 minutes before telling him I wanted to miss the traffic, he asked if we could meet up again and I said no.

So, the birthday week was nice, I went to see some friends and people that I used to work with, which I loved but made me miss my old life, I had a couple of days at home and a fab day at a spa which was lovely, I’ve got to say that on my birthday I still had the pang of having no one special to spoil me but I have to say that some special people in my life did a brilliant job, I was getting dressed when the doorbell rang and a massive bouquet appeared from my boss, then flowers from another friend, followed by the friend I was going to the spa with arriving with flowers, getting home to flowers from another friend and then more turning up, my living room looks like a florist, however I absolutely love flowers, just a shame that they couldn’t have been spaced out to a bouquet a week!

The Spa day was amazing, it’s beautiful and some of the best treatments I’ve ever had at one of my favourite hotels followed by a brilliant little find of a pub for a lovely dinner.

He’d played on my mind a little, so much so that I’d had a nap on Friday afternoon to stop myself messaging him, however by Friday evening I wasn’t able to stop myself any longer and I text saying wasn’t he going to ring me, within about two minutes my phone rang and we had an hour long conversation.

General chat, flirting, etc, then he asked if I knew what he meant by his message, I played Blonde Princess, so he had to go over it, he said he really liked me blah, but he’s not sure if it would work with the distance I’d never trust him (not untrue that) he didn’t want to hurt me after what he’d done last time etc. I played like it was all ok, very cool.

I knew he was going to the Grand Prix on the Sunday (Don’t ask how I knew, I just did!) so I casually asked what he had planned for the weekend (expecting him to lie as the GP is VERY close to where I live)

He didn’t, he told me that a friend had given him a ticket, excellent I said, tell me how it goes as I’ve never been sure I wanted to go, he was probably a bit taken aback as I never mentioned meeting, he said he thought his mate might have invited him as he wanted a lift home but said that if he didn’t he’d pop in if that was ok, I told him that I was out Saturday but would probably be back so let me know.

As soon as we put the phone down he started messaging me and it all got a bit heated (as per) we messaged until around 2am again, he messaged me the next morning saying he hoped I’d slept well and I resisted responding until that evening, I kept it quite light hearted and jokey.

I went out Saturday night, in Leicester, with the person I’d been on holiday with last year, was the first time we’d seen each other after not getting on very well last on holiday, I hoped as it was one night it would be better but to be honest it wasn’t.

Again she was totally self absorbed, totally wants everyone to think she’s much younger than she is (she’s 53) and she turns into a total nightmare when she’s been drinking (she drinks a lot and probably has an issue, like everyday!)

So we sit down in this club, these guys come and sit down and one introduces himself to me, he notices my eye roll and tells me that he’s not chatting me up as he’s married and show’s me the ring, oh I think, maybe it won’t be so bad, they have several more friends come in and we chat a bit, where are you from, what do you do etc. Then they play the how old are you game, he tells me I must be much younger than him (he’s 37) and guesses I’m in my early 30’s, nice but you know boys, so they then guess hers and say early 40’s so she makes everyone guess and makes a big deal of how young she looks, does what she did on holiday, shows them photos of the kids and grandkids (that she hardly see’s) tells them way too much information and starts snogging one of them, now, one of them described her to me as going from 0-Slag in 20 minutes which is an apt description, there was nothing and no one she didn’t grind up against, it was a bit of an embarrassment really, the blokes (particularly the married one) kept touching and I kept moving away so she groped him as well as his mates, we got back to hers and I’d well and truly had enough of her and went to bed.

Got up four hours later with no hangover (probably because I’d not had a great time) I’d not intended to go to the racing but kinda needed cheering up and wasn’t keen on spending any more time with her, she was telling me how she keeps getting blocked on match…….. hmmmm, I wonder why! She’s also still telling everyone that she is shy and lacking in confidence, funny it’s not what I see! She’s still seeing her married boss, who’s married to her friend and continues to give her payrises and bonus’ but she thinks that’s ok, she is massively money oriented, when I found out what the man she snogged does I knew straight off she’d not be interested in him outside of lobbing herself at him that night, he’s a barman so he’s way beneath her and won’t earn enough, bearing in mind she works in accounts, had a big pay off from her ex husband and fucks her boss to make a living it’s a bit of double standards there!)

Anywho……. Sitting there Sunday morning I went through my options for the day, which were to go straight home (and wait to see if he messaged) to stay where I was then go home (and wait to see if he messaged) or to bugger off up the country to go and watch some bike racing with friends (and potentially miss him if wanted to meet) so, I couldn’t really be arsed to spend five hours in the car but knew I’d be disappointed if he didn’t turn up, which I thought was likely, so I used the ‘Fuck it’ analogy, which basically meant that I was going to watch the racing and if he did text it would be good for him to know that I wasn’t waiting around for him, so I told her I was going and asked if I could get a lift to my car (I had offered to drive to save us paying for two taxi’s) she said she’d just have a quick shower and she’d take me, she carried on talking, then had a shower, then washed and dried her hair and then straightened it, then she did her make up, it took forever to get to my car, I was getting a bit grumpy.

No, he didn’t message if you were wondering (not unexpected but still sinks the heart a bit, back to the dull aching of having sore bones!) but I had a great day, the sun was shining, it’s one of my favourite tracks (where he is going this week for a trackday) I got to see Guy Martin race, which is something I have wanted to do for years, he’s really too short, too hairy, too dirty for me but when you lob it all together it seems to make him really attractive! So it was all good really (well it was and it wasn’t, you know what I mean!)

While all this has been going on the Best Friend and his ex have been getting themselves into a bit of a mess, she still loves him and always has and now he’s decided that he might still feel the same which is all a bit messy, I got a bit angry with him on Sunday, partly because I think men are arseholes maybe, partly because I love them both and partly if I’m brutally honest because to see him get his Happily Ever After before Frog Princess does but that doesn’t mean I don’t want him to be happy because I do and I love them both. I worry that over the 10 years they were on and off that it didn’t work and that he wasn’t enough for her, he’s pretty non committal and very like me, she’s now settled with a man she says she loves, I honestly feel for her, he has nothing to lose, she does.

I messaged him this morning, saying that I love him and that I’ll support whatever decision they make together but asked that they thought it through and didn’t rush in before decision making as he has little to lose (a gf he’s not bothered about) and she has a lot, he agreed that I was right and thanked me, before we had quite a long messaging conversation. I guess she was also my hope that you can get over someone and move on with someone else, but that’s obviously not true and the fact that someone who states they are happy and has only been married just over a year can cheat on her husband and allegedly the man she loves, oh it’s all so confusing for my little Frog Princess head, I kinda prefer Drunk Princess, she thinks fuck the consequences much more than Frog Princess does!