It just keeps getting worse!

A fight today to get the holiday pay I'm owed has ended in me leaving on Thursday, so only three more days of work before redundancy, I'm terribly sad, I love the job and I hate job hunting!

So, yesterday after a weekend of being let down by friends and others refusing to come out to cheer me up I decided to go to the pub on my own!

I text Uniform to ask if he was going up there, he said he was and so were a couple of the other oldies I know so I thought I'd be fairly safe in having someone to talk to.

Then Uniform turned up at the door, to walk up with me (although he offered to drive me up there) he only stayed for a couple though and I did give him grief about leaving early.

The oldies were in so I chatted with them for a while, Knight in Shining Leathers walked in, he's looking better than he was, lost a bit of weight and looks more like himself, we talked for a bit, he mentioned how it's not going so great with the GF and how he doesn't think it will work out long term, for a boy that doesn't talk to anyone we do have some heart to hearts!

We had a new arrival into the blog, although I've known him for quite a while, I don't have a name for him yet but if he keeps appearing I might, he was talking to me about work etc and FB messaged me when I got home saying he'd have stayed out with me if it had not been for his son giving him a lift, he did suggest that I might like to join him but I declined, he's a really nice guy but I get the feeling he's got quite a few miles on his clock which isn't something I really want, we will see if it goes anywhere.

I was talking to a couple of the boys in the pub when Knight in Shining Leathers suggested selling myself to make some money, Uniform came out with the fact that I wouldn't be of much use as I couldn't get down on my knee's!!! Cheeky sods the pair of them!

I am still getting regular messages from Smiler, he even said he'd come over and see me, I've not said yes yet though, I think that might be a bit weird!

Probably not a lot to come this week, Uniform is away for 5 weeks on Monday and in a funny kind of way I'll miss him, say's the girl that didn't want to be with him, sometimes I question myself!!!!

Sometimes life sucks.......

It just gets worse here, currently I feel like I must be one of the unluckiest girls in the world, on Thursday evening at 8:30 PM I was made redundant (if your thinking wasn't it bank holiday weekend then yes, you are correct) what amazing timing? Just in time to ruin my whole weekend, yay!!!!

I spent most of Thursday evening in tears, it's been my dream job and although at times it's crappy and the hours are crappy I have loved it with all my heart and I've got to come to terms with saying goodbye.

I have an interview for this week in a completely different field, I have to do a 10 minute presentation on something I know nothing about which means I split my weekend between being upset, drinking and trying to work out the presentation from a very brief, brief!!!

Anyway, it's done now, not a lot else I can do really apart from give it my best shot tomorrow.

Usual stuff from POF, I honestly think it's getting worse, people get in touch, talk a bit and then that's it, what is that all about?

Spoke to Uniform a bit by text through the week, he invited me around after the pub on Friday so I knocked on my way past, as I'd predicted he was asleep so I carried on home.

I had a bit of a weird moment on Saturday, walking (well as much as you can on crutches) through town which is about 12 miles away, I passed my ex, not an ex, the ex, the one, w@nk bag, it hit me harder than I expected, I don't know if it was seeing him or seeing him do something that I never thought I'd do in my lifetime, his father is an elder of the Jehovah's Witnesses and the children were brought up in the faith but all but one left when they were at an age where they could, he was a definite non believer and had a bit of a past, all of things you aren't supposed to do as a witness, drugs, sex before marriage etc, etc and there he was in the street in a suit with a sign 'selling' the faith, it makes me think what a hypocritical religion it is, it would seem you can do what you want but then come back to the faith? It shows why I'm not religious. I've thought about him a bit since, I hate the fact he can still make me do this to me after all this time, even though he was tubbier, he looked quite old and he's gone grey, to be honest he's not aged well! Anyway, we will get over it, maybe it explains why the next paragraph happened and why I needed a little affection!

He was out on Saturday night, with a vodka on the bar as an apology for being asleep! It was a fairly good night, he walked me home and we went back to his as usual, I stayed (for the first time) I think I've decided that we'll be just friends, not once while in bed with him did I think I'd like to rip his clothes off, he is lovely and cuddly though which is really nice when you've just spent the last 18 months being single, he is a fidget and takes up most of the bed though!!!

That was pretty much my weekend gone, it's now back to work and I can honestly tell you I've never been less motivated to do my job in my whole entire life, I honestly hope no one else turns up for the interviews and it's just me!!!

All change!!!

Well Friday came with a phone call from my friend and running buddy, it was a general call  but she dropped in that Uniform had dumped the girlfriend, apparently she wanted more than he did.

In the interest of 'strike while the irons hot' I sent him a 'hello stranger' text and had a reply within minutes, he's meant to be doing my decorating so that was mentioned.

I had plans of going out Friday night, just as I was about to put a foot in the bath the doorbell rings, I have to say that I didn't want to answer it but in my towel and slipper boots I did, yep,  it was him!

Not the best of looks to be honest, he came straight in with a kiss and a hug and we talked decorating, tiling and all of the bits and bobs that need doing, he adores the cats and I love that.

We had a drink and he was here for about an hour, pushing all of my plans back, as we were talking he asked if I fancied looking after the house while he was away 'isn't the girlfriend moving in' I asked, hmmm, all over he says and tells me the story of how he wasn't as interested as he was and that there has only been one person so far that's captivated him and it wasn't her, so that's all over, he also offered to take me for my hospital visit on weds, we'll see if that materialises yet though.

See, sometimes you don't have to go all in, you just have to wait and watch.

We were both up the pub Friday but unusually he left before me and I've had a couple of messages since. I had dinner at a friends  on Saturday with a load of people old enough to go on a saga holiday!

And today, well today I found that my dream job will be coming to an end, I am gutted, seriously depressed and I wonder what I've done to be such a bad person to get all of this bad luck. I will try not to dwell too much but for today at least I'm wallowing!

The weekend was gone in a flash...........

I worked on Saturday which on crutches and not well makes you fairly shattered, I'm not sure if it's the weather but I'm finding more men look better than usual and one's I'd not normally look it, spring has sprung maybe?

The Space Cadet came over to see me on Saturday, he's good company, funny, charismatic, cute and dull as dishwater, I don't think anything has changed, he's still on his phone constantly, so I'm pretty sure there is another phone relationship like we had, I think there are one or two all of the time.

The guy my boss keeps trying to fix me up with was there, he's too short, I'd have to live in flats which I don't think I'm up for.

Hotbike is my new friend on Facebook, it inspired a bit of an eeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkk! He raced this weekend but a crash meant it didn't go particularly well. I don't think I've mentioned the 18 year old yet, he's not 18 anymore, he's 21 now, more about that one later on!

Update........

Friday came and I had four plumbers in the building, we also had a visit from the PCSO after some pikey nicked the old boiler and the copper, cheeky sods.

Uniform came in to collect his keys, saw the state of the place and gave me a cuddle and a 'we'll sort it' I haven't heard from him since (not unusual) the gf is back (I guess!) it's a week on now, my friend was round today and mentioned that he's not been at the pub, although he did park outside mine last night.

I had two more plumbers on Monday, one was quite cute but very young (20's maybe?) we finally have a boiler and can have a bath in my own home, yay!

It's been a strange week, I was due to be working onsite on Wednesday but with a knee that's poorly it's impossible to drive, especially that distance.

Best Friend was going to the track day anyway so I asked if he would drop me at a hotel on Tuesday night and pick me up on Weds morning for work, he said he'd spoken to his friend who said that I could stay there, bear in mind that I have only met him once and it was about 8 years ago on a night out in my home town, Best Friend had three friends and Car Salesman out, including this one who we'll call Engineer, I never looked twice at Engineer but one of the friends was quite nice and we were fairly engrossed in each other all night, the Car Salesman was very jealous and mentioned that I was winding him up (I didn't mean to but winding the Car Salesman up by speaking to other men was never hard)

So I was quite surprised when I arrived at his house and thought he was quite attractive, he's matured well over the years and he's 6'2 which for me is my ideal height in a man, he was very sweet, they carried bags for me, they got me dinner, carried my helmet as it's difficult with crutches.

I went out in the car with Engineer in the morning and it's one of my most fun times in car, the nearest we've come to ending up off of track, on a bad note, I had no makeup, I'm carrying extra weight from not being able to exercise, weeks of morphine has done nothing for my skin and it really could have been better, much better but it wasn't!!! He also lives miles away.

I did say thank you for the loan of the spare room though and I'm hoping to be joining them on a trip later in the year (I've been planning this for years but never made it to be honest, maybe I should try harder!)

On another happy note I got my Superbikes invite this week, can't wait to get back into it, very exciting! :-) 

Laying your cards on the table.......

That's what my friend said I should do and I just can't stop thinking about it, I've only really opened up and laid my cards on the table to one person, one of the two 'big ones' and I can't see that I'll ever do it again after that experience.

I remember being at Becky Falls in Devon, it was a lovely dry Autumn day and we were away for a week, he was taking photos at the other side of the bridge, we walked towards each other and at that moment I knew it was love, I even opened my mouth to say it but the words stuck in my throat, maybe my mouth knew that if they came out on my disappointment would follow?

The next time was when were were going through a bad patch sometime later, we'd already been together a couple of years by this point and still no 'I love you' on either side, in the middle of an argument I asked him if he had ever loved me and he told me he didn't know if he was capable of live but I was as near as he'd come, is that enough?

The truth is no, those words ate at me for years and they still do to this day, close wasn't enough, I knew in my heart he didn't love me, I never felt loved, how did I waste so much of my life on him? I very stupidly loved him and my heart didn't want to let that go.

The third time was one Christmas, I wrote it in his card, it was reciprocated with a thank you for the card, they are the only times in my life I have laid my cards on the table and said I love you and meant it, am I keen to let someone make me feel like that again? No, I can't say I am.

Eventually after nearly 5 years I asked him to leave, I was getting to the point of wanting to settle down and I knew that with him I had no chance of that, it happened on a Monday evening when I got home from work, we talked the next day and said we'd have a couple of weeks break instead to see if we could work things out, I didn't contact him the whole time to see if we could clear our heads apart, we were due to meet on the Tuesday.

The whole time he was gone I missed him like crazy but I carried on, went to work and hardly a soul knew (incase we got back together) on the Friday before we were due to meet I text to say I'd missed him and that I hoped we could work things out.

I had an HTC diamond phone in those days and anyone that had one knows that they had a home key that if you had a message it used to light up a ring around the home key, my phone used to sit next to my laptop at work.

At 10 on Monday morning the day before we were due to meet the phone lit up, he'd have had no doubt of where I would be, I the office, an hour and a half away from home.

I opened the message to see a message saying that he'd missed me too but that we weren't going to work out long term, if he was ready to settle down it would be with me, I took myself into the toilet to try to compose myself, by the time I'd been gone about half hour someone came to look for me, I was a teary, broken mess and had to walk out in front of my staff like that and drive home in that state, my boss wasn't even going to let me drive but after feeding me tea and sympathy they let me go home.

He came to pick up his things the next day and I sobbed like a baby, I was totally broken, blacking out through stress and so helpless that I had to go and stay with my mum 40 miles away, if you knew the relationship my mum and I have you'd know that meant I was bad! I lost  two and a half stone in those first two weeks.

We were still Facebook friends and I tried to be dignified, until I found out he was seeing someone and she'd been to his family for dinner, two weeks after we split up, I felt totally betrayed by them all, his friend had also been seeing her previously and dumped her because he said she was mental.

On a Friday morning two weeks after that Monday I got the message I flipped, I told him that he was an emotional bully and that just because it didn't leave bruises he was no better than a wife beater, emotional scars run very deep. I also posted a status on Facebook saying 'I wonder if his best mate had finished pulling his trousers up before you stuck yours in' but it wasn't long before I'd deleted everyone we had in common.

The man that couldn't commit was married within the year, I saw the wedding photos and for all the times he called me fat I'm positively a supermodel in comparison!

I don't think I can lay my cards on the table, I still have the scars from the last time.

My Messy Little World.........

As I was walking to Uniform's yesterday to have a bath I noticed that the three people I've had 'things' with in the village and Uniform now all live in the same road, Quote Me Happy has moved in there this week, how on earth do I get myself into these things? All in one road, that's just silly!

Anyway Quote Me Happy saw me hobbling to Uniforms and asked what I'd done, ah it's a complicated old life we lead!

Had a lovely bath at Uniforms and told him that the cats and I had moved in, totally unfazed by it, quite annoying really.

I was telling a friend about it all last night, she thinks I should put my cards on the table before it's too late, I guess she's right in that you can't go back but in another way I think if it's meant to be it will be, I don't think I'm going to tell him anything really, I think I'm just going to leave things as they are, if I've cocked up again then that's that but Blue Eyes and I were friends at the start and that was all cocked up, I don't want to do it again, it's a small village when things go wrong and I don't want to lose friends over it.

I am off for another bath tonight though, I'm going to make the most of it while I can! :-)