Another socially distanced date.............

My last post was about the EBFX, it didn't take long for the story to be continued, he messaged on the Friday asking what I was up to on Saturday and I was free (I mean although lockdown is pretty much over, life isn't as normal so I'm free a lot more than usual!)

His messages had that different tone to them again, a bit more flirty than normal, he came in the more confident version, unlike last time when I was at his.

I was showing him something on my phone so sat next to him, he put his arm around me and when I finished showing him the map I moved away, he said 'is that it then?' I was getting my drink but moved back and we chatted while he cuddled me, he kissed me and it went a bit further this time, not as far as sex though.

That was just over a week ago.

It's a bizarre old situation......

J has been in touch quite regularly, he wants to meet up again but keeps saying about coming over, I'm nervous that he's more keen at getting in my knickers than he is at getting to know me, I'm tempted, there was definitely some chemistry there and that's rare.....

On that note I doubled the amounts of dates I went on in 2019 last week, I've had TWO first dates and it's only July (my one in 2019 was December) We matched in January and spoke for a little while before losing touch a bit and then he messaged me on Instagram as we'd followed each other.

I was off for the week as it was my birthday (why have a day if you can have a week) so we arranged to go for a walk, I'd been out for lunch with a friend first, as soon as he got out of the car I knew he wasn't for me, he kind of looked like his photos but they were obviously a while ago, he was a fair big larger in real life than he is in the pictures, including in his face.

He was nice enough, a little shy (what is it with me and shy boys at the moment?) he also lives with his Mum, he's 40. He's just been made redundant which I know is difficult at the best of times but especially at the moment.

I know that people do live at home or move back for short periods for good reason but he's been there for years and I just couldn't really see myself with someone like that, I knew from the minute we met that there was nothing there, we spent about an hour walking round the reservoir, he's messaged since, I'm hoping he felt the same as I did!

So, that's my little round up...........

The Ex Best Friends Ex.............

The Ex Best Friend and I shared a lot in common, including our birthday, although she is five years older than me, we met on a night out, she suggested swapping numbers and we were best friends through a lot, then I stopped making the effort because it felt like it had got one sided when she got a new boyfriend and it confirmed that it was the case, the last real conversations we had were in late 2016.

She had a long term boyfriend when we first met, they rarely went out together but I can remember walking into the pub to meet her one night and thinking the guy at the bar was quite good looking, tall, dark haired, my type, she then introduced me to her boyfriend...... you guessed it!

He came out with us on probably a handful of occasions over the years, birthdays, Christmas etc and we saw each other when I went to the house.

We were all going out for New Year and I was seeing Blue Eyes at the time, who she'd introduced me to. I was having a rubbish time with neighbours being absolute arseholes and I was nervous to be on my own that Blue Eyes had not far off moved in, which worked out great for him but I wasn't as involved as he was.

As I was getting ready to go to the party that night I discovered they'd put a brick through my car window and I was an absolute wreck, I really wanted to go though and I didn't want to let the people I was going with down.

We arrived at the local club to find that the neighbours were there, which meant that I was on edge the whole time, Blue Eyes got drunk and decided he was going to fight the neighbours which made me quite angry, as I tried to explain, it was ok him causing trouble but it was me that would pay for the repercussions, already I was scared to be in the flat on my own and scared to leave as all I did whether I was there or not was worry about what they'd do, I'd also sent the cats to live with my family for a few weeks to see if it would die down as I was terrified something would happen to them.

This turned into a big argument and he stormed off on the way home, to have a go at the neighbours who had also left, by the way he likely couldn't have fought his way out of a paper bag, so even if he'd confronted them it would have been pretty useless!

He stormed off, the Ex Best Friend went after him to try to talk some sense into him and told her (now) ex to take me back to theirs.

He walked me back and told me that Blue Eyes was no good for me, I knew this already and even when we'd started seeing each other I told him that I wasn't looking for anything serious. Just as we got to the front door he said 'you should have had me' which I was a little taken aback by if I'm honest, we went in, got drinks and the comment was never mentioned again (in fact I'd completely forgotten about it until a couple of months ago) everyone arrived back, including Blue Eyes and we continued drinking despite Blue Eyes being blatantly in the dog house (EBF's now boyfriend was also with us)

I finished things with Blue Eyes shortly after, it was going nowhere and I needed to finish it before he got more involved.

The Ex Best Friend (EBF and formerly Evil Twin on here) and I saw each other at least weekly but it was quite rare that there were just the two of us, more often than not it was us two and a group of the guys, we used to do messy Sunday weekly and more often than not meet up in the week too.

EBF often joked about how much better suited the (now) Ex and I would be, as she said we had a lot more in common, I always used to wonder about the references as they were happy and appeared to get on, even though lot of the time they did both do their own things.

Around five years ago she told me she was moving out and asked me to go and look at a house with her, all I knew before that was that things weren't amazing but I was fairly surprised, they were really amicable about it and he helped her move out, it was an easy split as the house was his anyway.

Time moved on and a few months later she told me she was seeing one of the guys that we regularly spent time with, at this point I should probably tell you that his wife had finished it a few months before and moved out of their house.

I asked some questions at this point and discovered something that I found quite shocking, it had been going on for YEARS, while they were both with partners and I always had an inkling she liked him but would have never guessed that something had been going on that long.

The year before she'd been 40 and I'd turned 35, she was adamant that she was going away on her own for 'our' birthday and I was a little put out by it, as was EBFX. I also thought it was really strange, two nights in a hotel, on your birthday, just up the road, on your own. Well she wasn't on her own was she, it all came out. I'd always thought it was strange that she was quick to judge the wife for moaning when I thought (and voiced to him!) that she was justified.

During this time he was a bit of a dick, wanted her, didn't want her, didn't know what he wanted and she was hurt, we were out one night and a new guy to the village came over and started chatting, she went home and slept with him because she was feeling a bit unloved and unwanted.

Then things started to get messy, she was between the two, it's a small village, she didn't want them to meet, let alone talk and I guess I was the shield between them, it wasn't long after this that I started to realise our friendship was a little one way and backed away, as I backed away she didn't come forward.

Another friend works where she does and regularly tells me what she's up to, says she always asked about me and due to that I'm careful what I tell her, I've heard a few times during that time that they've broken up and got back together, I know when we were still friends that she was annoyed after the lease ended in her flat that he said no to her moving in.

I moved last summer, into my dream house and she'd obviously been told by the mutual friend, she sent me a text the day I moved saying she was happy for me and good luck, I responded and said thank you.

A few weeks later I got a friend request from EBFX who I'd not spoken to since before they split (about four years) I accepted and sent a 'how are you' pm, he responded and we had a bit of a catch up, he said we should meet for a drink, I'd not long moved and said I didn't really want to go out but he was welcome to pop up, he said he'd message me the next day and I didn't really expect to hear anything else.

On the Sunday I got a message saying he'd be up in half hour if that was ok, it was a lovely weekend and we sat out in the garden with a drink and caught up on the last four years, he said he was selling the cottage and looking at a new build, one was where I am and one on the site next door, TBF's daughter lives on the next road to me with her bf and was telling me that he still sees her occasionally, they keep in touch which I thought was nice, he did say that TBF's bf doesn't like her seeing him so they just say hi now if they bump into each other as he doesn't want to cause issues.

We chatted about dating, that neither of us meets anyone with any spark and that we're both useless cases and too fussy, we both said if we don't feel a connection we're out before we've ordered a drink!

As he left he gave me a hug and said that he'd have to get me actually out of the house one night for a drink.

We speak by message intermittently, he finally managed to sell the cottage and buy the house he wanted, I got a message one weekend asking if I'd go and help him choose flooring, which I did.

When he moved in he had a bit of time between completing on the house he'd sold and the new one so he used one of my spare rooms for storage for a month or so.

We continued to speak weekly or so and every so often he'd message and pop up for a drink or invite me over, we'd chat about all sorts, work, dating etc, he'd give me a hug and leave and I never really thought much of it.

We joked about TBF seeing him coming out of my house, it happened one day while he was moving out.

I knew she was moving (onto my road believe it or not) but I didn't want to send her a text and open up dialogue again, I knew which house it was, worked out the door number and sent her and the new boyfriend a new home card - that'd be it I thought.

That was the Friday before lockdown, that same day EBFX had messaged saying he'd had a crap week and did I fancy a bottle of wine, I was stressed out too and said yes, I'd love one.

His tone changed a bit that day, he was talking naked twister and we both laughed about it, when he arrived he seemed different in his manner, he also mentioned he'd not been able to get hold of naked twister but we could make it up as we went along.

The alcohol went down fast and we were a little merry.

We chatted as usual about dating and all sorts, he always says that we're both too fussy, which is why neither of us has found anyone, I'm not totally convinced he isn't right.

I can't really remember how it happened but he kissed me, which developed a little, I made it clear that he wasn't staying, which I think he was a little disappointed about, the thing is when he kissed me it wasn't great, I didn't feel anything, I certainly didn't feel I wanted to drag him into my bed but it's quite rare I meet someone that does make me feel like that.

The next day EBF messaged me thanking me for her card and saying that we should catch up at some point, I felt all the guilt in the world, I'd kissed her ex the night before.

A few weeks passed, EBFX was in touch intermittently, nothing about that Friday night, we'd gone into lockdown the Monday after so we couldn't see each other but there were no signs of him initiating anything else.

Time went on, I spoke with both EBF and EBFX and then lockdown rules relaxed a bit and EBF came to look at something at mine after we'd bumped into each other, it was awkward, we were like strangers, instead of the two people that had been so close.

During the lockdown I dropped off some baking a couple of times to EBFX and we chatted at the door.

Facebook had released a new 'care' emoji and as much as some people seem to love lockdown I'm feeling pretty affection starved, I'd seen or touched no one in what felt like forever but was likely about 10 weeks (since the kiss)

Shortly after posting that, this arrived....................

I put it off for a couple of weeks and then he came over for the evening, we talked about EBF and me seeing her, he said we'd be best friends again soon, which I didn't think would be the case. 

He went to leave and said 'I'd better give you that hug' which he did and that was that, totally different to the last time.

So, that was that, EBF and I saw each other again, over a couple of drinks this time, it was much more relaxed than it had been before and definitely had a feeling of how things used to be, I'm keen that we don't become best mates again as I don't like allowing myself to get bitten twice in a row but it's hard when we used to get on so well. 

He came over again a couple of weeks later and we had a couple of drinks, he asked if I was going to give him a cuddle and I did, he kissed me and it felt different to last time, I did feel something, it wasn't fireworks but definitely something. It escalated a little but not massively. 

We speak by message intermittently in between times, he's not much of a talker by message though so it is limited. 

It wouldn't be me if it weren't complicated and most people would think that their ex best friends ex would be complicated enough but not for me, EBFX works with someone that's an important part of this blog................................................ Knight in Shining Leathers. 

A couple of weeks ago I got a message from Knight, telling me that he had something he wanted to show me and could he come up, it was a nice evening and we had a cup of tea (and his much loved hobnobs that I usually have a packet of in the cupboard for him) in the garden as he showed me his new (vintage) bike, I'm pleased that I'm still the first person he comes to when something exciting or upsetting is happening to him. 

I have always loved him in leathers, so I did wonder if it would give me that feeling that I'd had for so many years when we were doing the FWB thing, he took his helmet off revealing his long, unkempt lockdown helmet hair that looked much more grey that last time I saw it and I felt nothing but friendship still, so that's positive right? 

I was doing lots of baking (mainly to stop me from drinking with work being so stressful) and XBFX had doorstep deliveries a couple of times, he suggested that next time I was bored I might like to make chocolate brownies that are his favourite, so next time I fancied baking I did. 

He was meant to come over on the Saturday to collect them but he cancelled as he wasn't feeling well, I was a bit disappointed as I was looking forward to seeing him and baking takes effort, he messaged the next day asking if I was around for him to collect the brownies, I said I was but only for an hour so he popped in, he had a migraine and to be fair he looked rough. 

He made a comment when he was here about us always drinking, I'm not totally sure that he doesn't think I'm always drunk when something happens and that's the reason - it isn't but we all know that a drink gives us a bit of courage!

He came over, was here for an hour and then left before I went out, we had general chat but I made sure I mentioned that Knight had popped up, if it came up I didn't want him to think I was trying to hide anything (although I don't think he knows that we haven't always just been friends but we are now and anything else is in the past)  

As he left he said 'Come and give me a hug then' I hugged him and he kissed me, more than a friendly kiss but less than anything else and off he went. 

Then we were due to see each other again (I did offer tea but he said he doesn't drink it!) and he cancelled again, I was a bit pissed to be honest - he said he 'had stuff to sort' 

My heads been quite confused during this time, I don't know if I want anymore from this, I don't know if he does, I don't know if we're just friends but the lines have definitely been blurred. 

EBF and I have got closer and she has been in my thoughts a lot, whether she'd feel betrayed if she knew we are friends, how she'd feel about it, what if she bumps into him coming or going from here and I do feel totally torn between them, I like them both. 

I decided that I was going to tell her we're friends, I mean currently that's all we are, she came round on one of the heatwave evenings, sat in my pool drinking vodka, it was nice but it was definitely playing on my mind and then she gave me an opening, as soon as I saw the opportunity I went in and took it. 

She was talking about the new housing estate and mentioned the houses looking really small, I casually said 'EBFX bought one of those and its huge' she said she knew he had (he still sees her daughter) which opened up the dialogue, I then told her we see each other, he'd done a couple of bits around the house for me etc, she said they'd still be friends if it weren't for her boyfriend being so jealous about it. 

I also said that for my birthday I'm having two friends staying but for 3-4 local friends I'd be inviting them for a drop in across the evening, so there is a chance they'll run into each other, she said she was totally fine with it, so..... that's all out in the open - I only have a couple of really close friends that know anything outside of the friendship bit so it's no different here (ok, well maybe a little) 

Then a couple of weeks after that we said we'd get together on the Saturday, I said I'd go to his as I've not been there since December and he's been here a fair bit, after the last two occasions I was half expecting him to cancel and if he did it was last chance saloon, he messaged asking what time I was going over.

I'd gone through lots of scenarios in my head of what 'stuff to sort' could be and was expecting it to be something really trivial that would annoy me or that he'd met someone, it wasn't either, it's some quite serious work stuff that's really playing on his mind and I totally understood why he'd cancelled, so all was forgiven.

We chatted for the evening, from separate sides of the sofa (he has a much bigger sofa than I do!) it started hammering with rain, he said that I could stay if I wanted and he'd drop me off in the morning (I live a five minute walk away) I said I'd be fine, it's only water, he offered to drive me home, again I said I'd be fine. 

I could have stayed but I didn't want to stay because it was raining, if I stayed I wanted it to be because that's what we both wanted. 

We said goodbye and I gave him a hug, he kissed me but properly kissed me and I left. 

I messaged him when I got home, saying I'd got soaked, he said that he'd offered to bring me home. I said I kinda felt like we are tiptoeing around each other a bit and I don't really know why, he said he knows what I mean and that is currently where we are.................

Socially Distanced Dating...........................

This week I had my first and (with how many dates I have in an average year) likely last date of 2020.

J and I have been talking for quite some time on and off, for what he thinks is about a year.

We just kept matching, on every site I tried, occasionally I get bored with them and have a restart, as soon as I did we'd match again, we'd always chat, it was so long ago I can't really remember why it didn't get any further (I'll investigate this next time we talk) but every time we matched it then became a 'hello stranger', 'here we are again', 'why haven't we met?'

Late last year we matched again and he asked for my number, so we spoke via Whatsapp and talked about arranging a date, however I was ill, this went on for about 8-9 weeks and involved antibiotics, hospital appointments etc and I was concerned about being contagious so I kept saying no (I also felt pretty crappy and my skin looked awful as it was reacting to antibiotics that I'm allergic to)

Then in December I was feeling better, so we arranged a date. On the day he messaged saying he wasn't feeling great but was still happy to meet, I said that since I was not long recovered myself I didn't want to risk it (my friends Mum was also dying and I didn't want to not be able to see her, which would be the case if I was ill) so we put it off and then with everything going on couldn't reschedule.

We've been in contact on and off, usually at least monthly but to be honest there is little to say during lockdown; 'so what have you been up to?' 'Well, I've been locked up in my house, the same as you' dating has been off the menu really.

Last week he popped up and suggested meeting now that we could have a socially distanced walk.

Now I didn't say yes straight away as the Ex Best Friends Ex (EBFX) and I have been getting closer over the last few months (he needs his own post too) but I really don't know where we are so I don't really want to put things on hold until I do. He kissed me again on Saturday but not until I was leaving and also of all the dates I've had in my 10 years of singledom not many have had me wanting a second, so it seemed a pretty safe bet that it wouldn't be an issue.

After a couple of dates laming at the last moment I tend to think that the date is off, unless I hear from them on the day but he checked in yesterday and suggested a place and I headed over, as I was trying to find a parking space I saw him walking up the road, I recognised him straight away, which is always a good sign!

As we met he said he'd normally give me a hug but obviously can't at the moment, the Corona Ice Breaker hey?!

The conversation flowed, we had no awkward silences and we seemed to get on well. We walked round the woods pretty quickly and decided to continue to walk round the village, we were admiring the gorgeous Cotswold houses and then ended up at an estate agents so had a look at prices, he suggested that the date must be going really well as we were looking at houses already!

We said goodbye and I actually walked away thinking I'd be a little upset if I didn't hear from him following the date, which doesn't happy to me very often.

I headed back and did a few jobs on the way, by the time I arrived home I had three messages in a row, I hate the post date game playing and it was quite refreshing to think that he might not be into it either.

He suggested that we see each other again on Friday, I can't as I have a friend over for the weekend but we've settled on next week, I did say with our history that we should probably leave it until next year but he wasn't keen! 

This has been going on for so long I couldn't remember how old his is, I thought he was mid 30's but I think he's 31 so he's 10 years younger than me, ideally I'd prefer a bit older but I can't go back in time and make him be born earlier, so it is, what it is. 

I'm quite smiley today, which is always a good sign for me and feels pretty rare, also; for once he was actually better than his photos. 

To be continued..................?

Cat Lover..............

Cat Lover and I matched on Bumble while I was working in London on my big Awards do, back in April 2018.

I’ve tried sending people imaginative messages but if I’ve spent time on it and they don’t respond it pisses me off, so now I start with a ‘Hi’ and if they respond we go from there.

He responded and then asked if I was a Londoner, bollocks thought I, I don’t swipe and travel as it’s a pain if you match with someone at the other side of the country, however when I said no he said that he lived in Warwick which as I live in Northants is pretty close (18 miles to be exact) it was worth continuing the conversation.

We talked for around 10 days on Bumble before he asked if I had Whatsapp and then transferred over to there, we messaged several times a day, I found out during this time that he’s a massive Cat Lover, how brilliant is that? Finally, one that doesn’t moan about them or how many I have (5)

I had just started to wonder if he was ever going to get round to asking me out when he did just that, we arranged to meet for a drink on the Sunday and meet near to where he lives (I normally go for the middle but there is nothing where I live (apart from a couple of places in the village where I’d know people) and neither of us knew anything in the middle, it’s also super rare for me to match with someone that close!)

He told me where to park my car and he came to find me there, we recognised each other immediately which is a good sign! I had managed to sneakily ask a couple of days before how tall he is and he told me he was 6.075 which I thought was quite a specific measurement but he really is that tall, which is nice as it means that he’s taller than me in heels (I wore heeled boots so I could check)

We went to a nice pub and had a drink, well I had diet coke as I was driving and he had a couple of drinks, he’s a big wine fan and likes wine tasting, so I suggested that I chose and he tried to work out what it was, after him paying for the first round he gave me his card to go to the bar with, I obviously refused, I ordered him a wine and he didn’t get it right,  he’s very competitive and was a bit disappointed in himself, the next round he gave me his card and I ordered again, he got it this time but apparently I have a brilliant poker face as when I told him he got it wrong again he believed me!

We had a really nice evening, laughed a lot and he kept coming to hug me, which was a little strange and a first for a first date, although Cunt Face was a little bit like that the first time we met (lets hope that’s not a bad omen eh?) the pub was closing so we left and he asked if I wanted a little tour so we went for a walk round, he showed me the castle, the old hospital, the church and the stars (how romantic does that sound?!)

I didn’t really have anything in the way of negatives which is highly unusual for me, he lives fairly close (18 miles is really close for me, I’m used to up and down the other end of the country) he’s tall, dark haired (although he does have a bald patch coming on the back of his head) he’s got a good job, owns his own home, is funny and sweet………. 30, if I was being picky I’d maybe like him a couple of years older.....

He said he’d had a great time and we continued chatting, by Wednesday I wondered if he was going to ask me out again, the chat seemed to indicate that he liked me and had a good time but I find that they usually mention seeing each other again really early on. He then asked what I was doing at the weekend, as the weather was due to be nice we decided on a trip to the Zoo, it meant going upwards on the map for me so I said I’d collect him on the way through.

By Friday I thought that the zoo might be a bit ambitious for a second date as it meant us spending quite a lot of time together, I was a little nervous as I thought I might have felt a little chemistry on date 1, he had messaged asking if we were eating after the Zoo, again this seemed like a lot to commit to (do I sound like I’m commitment phobic? Maybe I am, it’s over 8 years since I’ve been in a proper relationship, I had around a year with Blue Eyes but it was never very serious and I made that very clear so there was never any pressure on me)

Dressing for a sunny day at a Zoo is a nightmare, I went for knee length shorts and a vest top, super casual.  I arrived at his house, he got in the car and kissed me acting like we’d known each other for years and it was perfectly normal, it was at that point I noticed the piercing Blue eyes I’d somehow missed on the first date, I love Blue eyes and I’m not sure how I missed them to be honest.

We had a great day, he apologised early on for him being ‘quite affectionate’ and he really was, he touched, kissed and hugged me at every opportunity but not in an odd way, I’ve been single so long that I really miss a bit of affection so it was good.

On the way back he said that there was a pub he’d like to take me to but on the way we passed signs for Stratford-upon-Avon and decided to stop there, it was a lovely evening, we had dinner and he was the same as he was in the Zoo, super affectionate, we do maybe take the mick out of each other a bit too often though and that seems to continue.

Spending 12 hours with someone on a second date is a first for me, again the nearest I’ve got to that in the past is with Cunt Fact where we spent around 6 hours together.

I was out with the Space Cadet on the Sunday, we went to watch the GT Racing at Silvertone, it was almost a little odd as we went with his brother (the one that messages me A LOT) his girlfriend and their parents, kinda felt a bit coupley, we had a nice day but I got ridiculously burnt (it’s rarely anything but cold and windy at Silverstone so warmth was quite a surprise) there is more of a story with the brother and GF which I’ll do a separate post on at some point)

The evening before date three we were talking and Bumble came up, he was a little bit miffed to think I'd still been using it, which I have to admit I kind of understand but in the past largely people have continued using it so I deleted it, as had he. 

Since then we’ve had three more dates, he came and spent the night at mine twice and the second time we both worked from home, I have to say that over 24 hours was too long together and I was happy to see him go home, I don’t know if it’s that I’m not that into him or that I’ve been alone so long that it just totally freaks me out. He also earned brownie points on date three by bringing flowers with him, I LOVE flowers. 

The third time I went to his, he had planned a few things to do, then asked if I minded watching the Rugby, which I didn’t really. We didn’t go on the picnic as the weather wasn’t amazing, so I dragged him out and we went for a walk around a park, we didn’t go out for dinner as we had picnic food so really it was too much time together not doing anything for me, I think I would have felt less hemmed in, if we had been doing things?

By lunchtime on the Sunday I’d really had enough and went home, all ready to call it a day because again I felt a bit claustrophobic, I drove home the long way with the feeling that I just wanted to run away but it’s my own head I want to run away from really but that’s the bit that I can’t get away from no matter what I do.

I did something I don’t do often enough, instead of reacting I slept on it and by Monday had decided that I wasn’t sure I really wanted to call it a day, he has some traits that I really like, it hadn’t felt on the Saturday like we had much in the way of chemistry but we definitely had on the first couple of dates, I’ve not been past date three in years (I got to date three with Cake Destroyer last year) and I don’t know if it just scares me or whether genuinely it’s just not going to work out but I’ve now not seen him for just over a week and I have felt like I’ve missed him.

I find the Internet dating age difficult, I used to hear from him every day without fail, would I miss that or him? He was away for the weekend and I didn’t hear from him as much as usual (I didn’t expect to) and did miss it but again what do you actually miss?

Another thing to consider is that we are both Cancerian's which means that we are both confusing and confused and a bit crabby, I'm not sure that this helps us but he's been really good at picking up on my fears, for one of the dates he suggested a time and then asked if it was 'too much togetherness' for me. 

On another note we’ve slept together three times now but we’ve not had sex and I don’t know if that muddies the water a bit? I’m not the sort of girl that rushes in and don’t sleep with someone before three dates but I’ve never met a man that’s gone this long without putting in a bloody good effort to get in my knickers, I know that it’s not that he doesn’t like me, what he says’ and does is contrary to that, the only thing that I can think of is that we had a conversation about penis size (I called him a knob head and it went from there) and he said that unfortunately nobody likes a small penis…………..

Now 22 had a massive penis and after having sex twice I never want to put myself through that again so size isn’t everything, however I guess it depends what the definition of small is?

We both had birthdays, I got him lovely thoughtful presents, including a wine tasting event, he got me an IOU for a night away (that never got used) 

He went away for the week in the September, I was quite surprised that I missed him like I did, we spoke while he was away but the minute he landed he said he'd missed me and could he come over, which he did, it was nice, he only stayed a few hours but it felt nice to have someone rushing back to see me.

So, we continued to see each other, we made it about six months in the end (STILL NO SEX) a couple of failed attempts, which, I of course blamed on me not being attractive enough, because that's what we do. 

We saw each other several times a week, most weekends, we stayed over, we did dinner, we went to nice places, we did nice things, we went walking, we watched films, we cuddled on the sofa, we tried to have sex but he couldn't get an erection, I got upset, I told him it wasn't his fault while thinking it was my fault. 

As a last ditch attempt I booked us into an amazing hotel for 2 nights, I mean AMAZING! It is owned by a company I use a lot and get on really well with the team, so I asked if they'd do me a deal on the rate, the deal was pretty incredible as they did two nights, including meals as a gift for me. 

So; off we went, up North to a beautiful city, we checked in and although the teams are always amazing, they'd obviously been told they had special guests in, as she walked us to our room she told us it was the honeymoon suite (amazing as they had a wedding in, oops sorry!) my heart sank a little at that, the last thing he needed was pressure! 

There was a massive four poster bed, a room bigger than the flat I lived in, looking out onto the beautiful grounds. We'd planned to use the Spa and dinner that night. 

We laid on the bed and he started to make a move, which was nice and unusual, maybe all wasn't lost? Then there was a knock on the door, he got up and answered it and it was housekeeping with something, the moment was ruined and we toddled off to the Spa for a swim, we came back and got ready for dinner. 

I'd spent a fortune on this weekend where the hotel cost me nothing, it's the kind of hotel where you dress for dinner, I'd hoped that  we'd finally have sex so I had all new underwear too, a couple of nice dresses for the evenings and casuals for the days, which we had planned to spend walking and going to one of the best zoo's in the country, which I'd been wanting to do for years. 

He said I looked lovely and we had a gorgeous meal and wine before back to the room and playing card games, he made no moves and we went to bed, the next morning he made a move before breakfast, it ended, as usual with him not being able to get an erection, as usual I told him not to worry about it, it wasn't a problem, he made no effort to get the job done other ways. 

We had breakfast in silence, he asked if I was ok and I wasn't far off crying at that point, I said yes and carried on, we spent a very quiet day walking around the City, I wasn't ok. There is absolutely no one to blame in these circumstances but at the same time I totally blamed myself. Was it me? Didn't he like me? Is it because I'm ugly? Is it because I'm fat? Is it because I'm older than him?

We had another lovely dinner, another night dressed up, another night back in the room playing games, I gave him a hug goodnight and turned over, I absolutely couldn't do another rejection this weekend, it was meant to be special (I've never taken anyone to those hotels before, they (particularly the one near me) are very special to me and I'd wanted it to be perfect. 

The following day I was a bit more upbeat and the zoo was incredible, I'm at my happiest around animals and they had loads of babies, we were close, he was huggy and hand holdy and it made me think perhaps I was wrong. On the way home he had his hand on my knee and said that he didn't really want the weekend to end. 

I spent the two hour journey trying to utter the words that we should call it a day but couldn't quite get them out, I had tears on the way from his to mine once I'd left. 

Things very much carried on like that for a few more weeks, I think we tried sex once more before I avoided it completely, I just couldn't take it anymore, I knew it was doomed but we did quite like each others company, such a weird situation. 

I started looking at houses and wasn't really sure where I wanted to me, he came to look at some with me and when we went for a drink afterwards he said that we should think about buying somewhere together as we'd be able to buy a massive house, I told him he was mad and laughed it off, he also pissed me off as he was really handsy in public and I find that quite tacky and well also in the current circumstances when he's not massively like that at home........... so I went home and told him I didn't think it would work. 

He apologised and said he was an idiot and we patched things up for another couple of weeks, then on a Wednesday he messaged asking if I'd like to go to his brother and girlfriends on the Saturday for dinner, if I'm honest, with where we were it's the last thing I wanted but we'd been together about six months, I knew they were important to him and I didn't feel like I could say no, so I agreed, reluctantly. 

On that note, I already didn't think I'd like the brothers girlfriend, earlier in our relationship I'd had some tickets for an event, he had mentioned it to her and she said she'd like some, I offered four tickets but she then wanted 6, so I got them, I gave her around £500 of tickets and she didn't even tell him to tell me thank you, this is now two years later and I'm still pissed about it, so no, I didn't want to go!

Thursday was normal, he was meant to be coming round on the Friday, we were messaging and he told me that he was depressed and life is shit, I tried to get a bit more out of him, his answer was 'work, phone, tomorrow' I asked if he could try adding some words to make some sentences. 

His message said 'work was stressful, broken phone pissed me off, not sure about tomorrow as Beth is gonna annoy me' I suggested the best option was not to go then and asked why she annoyed him, to which he said she 'gets involved in my relationships' I responded with 'I won't go then, problem solved' he said no, he'd said I would, I was also a bit annoyed about that, he said he was probably being a bit of a drama queen (which he was very good at) 

My final message said ' I'm not bothered about going tomorrow so if you want to go on your own I'm fine with that' he didn't respond and arrived shortly after, his favourite food is pie and I'd gone to the effort in the day of making him a chicken and mushroom pie, honestly why I fucking bother is totally beyond me. 

Things were fine when he arrived, pretty normal, he was cuddly and chatty. 

We got up the next day and I was quiet, I didn't want to go but I didn't want to upset him by telling him that, by late afternoon he said he was going for a sleep and asked me to go with him, I said no as I needed to get a bath etc in and get ready, he went to my room, while I did that and sorted the cats out. I got dressed, put some makeup on and walked into the lounge with my boots to put on, he let me sit on the sofa and put my shoes on before saying 'I don't think this is working' Surprisingly I was surprised, I knew it wasn't working but I guess I thought it would be me that called it a day. 

I said fine, I agreed it wasn't working and said it was hard to have a relationship when we couldn't even manage sex, for the first time I asked if it had happened before, he said yes. 

I bundled him out of the door pretty quickly, came back in, took clothes and makeup off and sat on the sofa in a bit of a daze really. 
I knew it needed to happen, I knew it would happen, I guess I expected it to happen on my terms, I'd been single a long time and I enjoyed having someone to do nice things with, I liked that he was tactile and huggy. 

He left it until the Sunday before messaging and I was a bit livid, he apologised and said the dinner had put him under pressure and he'd made the decision as we were ready to walk out of the door, he spent weeks convincing me we should be friends still and I tried, I did but it's hard to be friends after all that, we spent a couple of days together, he came to see the cats, we went for a walk, he came to see Cirque du Soleil with me last year (another friend there too but that was the last time we saw each other, I saw every reason that day why we didn't work, the way that he tried to be so superior and belittle others, the turning up late and making me late to meet the other friend, the way that he got on everyone of the 7 trillion nerves in my body, I stepped back again at that point. 

I moved in July 2019, after a really stressful six months, into my dream home, it's brand new, detached, huge, looks out onto beautiful countryside, it really is everything I've ever wanted (apart from an extra mile in between neighbours who are just lovely!) I have genuinely worked my arse off for it, he kept asking to visit and I just wasn't feeling it, in the flat even once we'd split he'd go to the cupboards and help himself, I can honestly say I think that would make me go mad here.

You may wonder why I let it go like that for so long, what he said and did always made me feel like he was keen, he used to moan that it was always him that wanted to see me, that he always invited me over or asked if he could come over, he used to cuddle and kiss me all the time, I FELT that he was keen, he'd told me he'd never had a relationship that lasted as long as we had, he wasn't very experienced with women, you could tell, you can talk yourself into most things if you try hard enough. 

We've had no contact now since Halloween (when I asked him the name of a board game that we'd played and I do think that's the best way, I really do think you can be friends after a relationship but I think it's hard when it's been one like this, that played out so badly. 

Cat Lover - The End. 

Round Up...........

I've been a bit strapped for time at the moment and I managed to lose my 22 story after spending two weeks writing it on and off I thought I’d give you a little roundup of what’s been going on in my little world.

22 has been in touch but that’s nothing new, it’s rare that I don’t hear from him at least monthly, as has the Hot Welsh Tennis Coach but again he’s in touch all of the time so nothing exciting.

Shoe Guy has been in touch, he’s not said that he’s bored with the girlfriend but I can’t imagine why he would be in touch with me if that wasn’t the case, I had predicted as much a year ago but unless something changes with him having a girlfriend though I won’t be getting involved.

At one point in the last week I received iffy snapchats from both the Space Cadet and his brother, right at the same moment which had me in fits of laughter, SC offered me Rugby for today but I couldn't be bothered, his brother told me he wished he were single as he would love to be spending some time with me. 

Usual suspects have come out of the woodwork, a very brief conversation with Cunt Face about what a bad time he is having but very much short answers, maybe he is trying to be good?

A couple of months ago I matched with the gorgeous electrician, 6’ ex Royal Marine, lives in the town I work in, we’ve talked a fair bit on and off but although he’s talked about meeting, we never quite get there, his conversation has been amazing, funny, pushing the boundaries but never stepping over them, until Friday when he sent me a cock shot, why do they have to ruin it? I don’t know yet whether he’s being written off for it or not, he’s hot, funny, clearly intelligent and articulate, was it just a late-night lapse but although he tells me he’s shy which is why we haven’t met yet he is ex-military and it’s rare they are shy and he’s being flown out to Sweden this week to teach people Ice Driving, can he be those things and be shy? I can be shy even though no one would ever expect that of the bolshie person they know!

The week before Christmas I had a meeting in London with Procurement Guy, when he messaged me the day before asking if I wanted to meet for a coffee prior to the meeting I expected him to suggest meeting near the venue, instead he asked what time my train was coming in and where to and said he’d meet me at the station. In times where I find that men are rather flaky I have to admit to being impressed at him travelling right across London to meet me before heading right across London again.  

I still don’t see him as my type but he is a nice guy, we had been chatting on Skype, partly work related things, partly flirty banter as I was getting ready to release a big announcement, obviously I didn’t say anything to him as there are masses of things in my role that I can’t talk to anyone about.

The announcement went out to our senior team, on that team is his Director and another Director that he reports to via a dotted line. Within minutes of the announcement dropping in the senior’s inboxes he called me and said ‘were you writing that when we were talking?’ I said that yes, I’d be writing is as we spoke, he said that he knew it was stuff that I couldn’t tell him but it was announcements that he was happy with as they would affect his role and he asked if I’d known when we were at the event the previous month and he’d been moaning about them, I said that I’d known for months now but that until the announcement I couldn’t talk to anyone about it.

Apparently later that day his boss sent him the announcement, he told him that he’d already seen it and was asked how, his answer was:

‘I was in the hotel room with Frog Princess when she was writing it’

Followed by a response from his boss:

‘???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

‘What?’

To which he finally told him that he was joking and his boss told him he was a fucking idiot!

I found that quite funny.

Apparently most of the questions his boss asks him are answered with some variation on in a hotel room with me, which I have to admit I find quite funny as long as he doesn’t say it to my boss who is totally unlike his and wouldn’t find it amusing in the slightest!

He was waiting at the station when I arrived, the banter started immediately and continued throughout the morning, when we got to the meeting it was a disaster, the ‘Events Team’ had done their usual bad job, booking a room for 50 when we have 250 people coming, we pretty much overruled their decisions all round, he agreed with all of mine and said he didn’t feel that they would do a good job, he was shocked at how bad a job they had done, I have worked with them before so I wasn’t.

We went for lunch after and worked through some plans, before he saw me back to the station, we’ve not spoken much since as it’s Christmas break but had a call with the events group last year, at one point he told them I could do a much better job than the people we are paying but I’m pretty sure his boss saw it as him having a bit of a soft spot for me!

I spent a day Christmas Shopping with the Best Friend and discovered that the girlfriend I knew wasn't my greatest fan really dislikes me and our relationship but I'll cover that more in a later post,  I also had dinner with his ex, who is also a very good friend of mine. 

I have my first date of 2018 on Friday, in London, maybe next week’s post will be a bit more exciting? 

Don't preach to people about family................

This isn’t really dating related but I do wonder sometimes if it goes some way to explain why I struggle to make attachments to people and take so long to decide if I actually like someone or not?

I guess it’s come to a head as this is the time of year that people should spend with their family and when you tell people you aren’t they tell you that you only have one Mum and that you should put your differences aside because they won’t be around forever, so because someone gave birth to you they should be able to treat you however they like and you should keep forgiving them each and every time? Is that really the case?

I was raised in a single parent family, although we lived with my Nan and some Uncles and Aunt’s until I was a teenager, I have never met my father properly, they had split before I was born, apparently he saw me once when I was about six month old and I continued to see his parents in my early years until I decided at about 6 that I didn’t want to anymore (I’m not sure that I could make informed decisions at that age if I’m honest but I assume that it worked out better for my Mum that way)

The only man I’ve ever really had a father/daughter relationship with was my Grandad, he and my Mum never got on as she found out at 16 that he wasn’t her Dad, I still can’t understand how she could be angry with him for something that was totally out of his control, if anything he was the person that took on someone else’s child? I’ll never get that one as I think he was a truly great man and has always been my real life hero.

I can’t remember my Mum being around much while I was a child, I guess all being in the same house it was easy to leave me with my extended family while she went out and my Nan had me a lot, she told me as a child that she had wanted an abortion but my Nan wouldn’t let her, that is something that your child should never know, not ever and it’s always stayed with me, maybe it’s added to the reasons why I’ve felt like the unwanted child. 

She also made it clear that she had wanted a boy, when I was born she only had a boy’s name, as that was what she wanted so my Nan named me, a year later my Nan had another son, he has the name my Mum had for me, as a child she spent more time with him than she did with me.

Apparently from the time I was tiny I had wanted a dog, it was I’m told not far off my first word and a word that I used frequently over the years, ‘what would you like for Christmas?’ ‘A puppy’ when I was little we got one, a Black Labrador that I called Tank, I totally adored him but it wasn’t even a week before my puppy was sent back for going to toilet on the floor (seriously what did they think that puppies did?) I remember being devastated when he was taken away, it was an early lesson for me in promises that she wouldn’t keep and that what she gave with one hand she took with another. 

When I was 8 a lot happened, my super special Grandad died, I can still remember my Aunt (that he was living with by that time) walking into my Nan’s, I didn’t need to hear the words I knew what had happened and was devastated, apparently at the funeral they literally had to hold me back from running into the grave with the coffin. 

My Mum also got married that year to a man that she had met via some kind of forces pen pals dating, he was in the RAF and I think they had met one or two times before getting married, I can’t really remember a great deal about it or him, I think I had maybe met him once before the wedding, at this time she also decided to change my surname, I’d never had my father’s name but I remember being at school and having to tell everyone that I wasn’t called what I was before, I remember it all being quite confusing at the time, I now had the same surname of a man I barely knew, the marriage lasted less than six months, as a small mercy at least she didn’t decide to change my name back and make me go through all of that again. 

We also had our first and only holiday that year, a week in Spain with my Great Aunt and her son, it was great but we never went again.

There were various ‘friends’ I was introduced to  and trotted out to meet over the years, I don’t think that there was much time that she was on her own, I don’t think I ever got to know anyone terribly well, there was a guy at one point but he was literally just a friend, he was lovely and was brilliant with me, when they fell out or she decided she didn’t want anything more than friendship I wasn’t allowed to see him anymore, I remember being quite upset about that, I loved it there and was really fond of him, I guess I learnt then that I shouldn’t get too close to people as they could be gone as quickly as they arrived.

When I was 13 a boy I went to school had a dog that had, had puppies, we had been friends for years and I badgered at home until they finally gave in, provided that I looked after him, I met him at four weeks old and it was love at first sight, I adored him and he seemed to feel the same about me, he eventually came home a few weeks later and we did everything together.

It was at his dog training classes that my Mum met my Step Dad, he had a Border Collie puppy of a similar age to my little scruffy friend and like the other people at club all used to talk, it wasn’t long before they became ‘friends’ and then more than that.

At about that time we moved out of my Nan’s into a lovely but small 2 bedroom house, only a few miles away, however my Mum would be up at his house most evenings and every weekend from Friday to Sunday, I was dragged up there a lot in the evenings at first but left at home on my own mostly at weekends, by then another dog had come along, so I was left alone to look after him and my little one, I didn’t think much of it at the time but seriously who leaves a 13 year old alone for days at a time? 

I guess I went a little off the rails in my teenage years, I was out clubbing from about 15, house parties at mine (well there was no one there) I remember one week when she grounded me 7 times, then went out each time and actually expected me to stay in, I didn’t of course and she soon gave up on trying to discipline me as it was too much like hard work for her. 

While I was a bit of a wild child I still understood boundaries even then, I never did anything really stupid and hung around with a good group of people, there was the odd party that ended with a very occasional visit from the police about noise, a little bit of drugs and a LOT of alcohol.

I was lucky that I had good people around me to keep me on the right track really I think, the person I’d met at dog training at 13 had taken me under her wing and I spent a lot of time with her and her partner, I showed their dogs for them all over the country and spent time with them whenever I could, I also had my best friend/Mum hybrid, who is 10 years older than me but has always been a great source of stability for me, her kids were young when I first met them and I’ve been as much a staple in their lives as their Mum has for me, she’s been the person I’ve always run to, even now.  

I can’t really remember my Mum being a major part in my life for very long periods, if there wasn’t a man involved she used to take me to things so she wasn’t alone,  so I guess at those points we were closer but I soon got used to being pulled in and pushed away when the next thing came along. 

My Mum was strange as I was growing up, she messages me and tells me she loves me now but I can’t remember hearing that as a child, she is a self-confessed ‘not a cuddly’ person, I get that, totally but I also find a person that doesn’t cuddle their child very strange. 

W@nk Bag and his family were similar, they didn’t do affection, he was described to me early on an ‘emotional retard’ but it took a while before I realised the extent of it. I knew his sister long before him and her daughter used to cling to me because her Mum didn’t do affection, what sort of parent can’t cuddle their own child? I guess the little girl reminded me a bit of myself as a child, absolutely craving affection, no child should ever feel that and it makes me massively sad when I see a relationship like that, incidentally her child is grown up now and barely sees her Mum at all as they have such a strained relationship.

My Mum has a long history with trying to buy me off, however one of her greatest efforts was when I was 17, I was taking driving lessons and one day she was dropping me off at the Best Friend/Mum Hybrid’s house, which was a couple of miles away, as we turned into the close she said ‘I’m pregnant but I’ll buy you that car you want’ I had few words, apart from to tell her that I was the one that was at the age where I should be doing stupid things like that. I didn’t know they wanted children, he didn’t have any and she’d never wanted me and had in my opinion done an awful job of bringing me up, it had never been discussed in front of me, I guess she never had to tell me those things?

I remember walking in and telling my Friend/Mum Hybrid, she was as horrified as me at how I’d been told, she wanted a boy and was annoyed again when she realised she was having another girl, my sister was born 8 days before my 18th birthday and was joined by another one a year or so later, I really hoped that she would change and to be fair it looked like maybe she had, the girls had so much that I’d not had as a child, my Step Dad was fairly well off and the girls had everything they could possibly want,  including a lovely Dad but they also had a lot of things that were totally unnecessary and I thought was her buying their affection, just like she had with me.

My Step Dad and I got on quite well but I was 13 by the time he arrived, I’d never had a Dad and didn’t want or need a pretend one but he was a good man and a good person, if anything he was probably too good for her, he paid all of her debt off and made sure she had everything she could ever want and much more.

When my sisters were born I was told that should anything happen to my Step Dad I would be their legal guardian, it was written into the wills, if they died it would be up to me to look after them and their inheritance until they were old enough to look after themselves, at that point I learnt that I wasn’t included in that will in anything other than a share in my Mum’s jewellery, apparently because the rest had come from my Step Dad it would be split between the two of them, my Mum had always to the day he died told me that he looked at me as his own, so if he did why was this the case, how could you treat your children so differently?

When I was 23 she told me she was moving in with my Step Dad (they weren’t married by that point) He had a three bedroom house but his Mum lived there too, so with my Mum and two sisters moving in there would be no room for me, I get that I was 23 and maybe I should have moved out earlier but I also lived in one of the most expensive towns in the Country.

I had been with my boyfriend at the time for about 9 months and was kind of pushed into us moving in together which we just weren’t ready for, she wouldn’t even wait until we’d found a flat so I moved in with him and his parents for a few months first. 

His parents were the first sense of great parents I’d really known, I’d first met them on a Sunday morning when I was leaving his soon after we’d got together, they had five boys and I was treated immediately like the daughter that they never had, they did lots together, dinners, parties and soon became the people that I treated like the family I’d not really had, they were close, affectionate and I’m pretty sure that they were totally unshakeable, one of their son’s recently came out as transsexual and although I’m sure initially they were shocked but they have totally supported him, just as I would have expected him to.

In the five years that we were together they were my family, I was often round there both with and without my boyfriend, we bought our house together the following year and I’d go and discuss what I wanted to do, I’d arrive home from work one day to find his Dad there doing it for us, I feel a bit bad for saying this but they were one of the reasons that when things started going wrong I stayed for so long, I knew that I would lose the family that I loved so much too. 

One of the things that started the breakdown of our relationship was that he wanted children, preferably yesterday, at that time though and largely due to the relationship I had with my Mum I didn’t think I wanted children and it started to put the strain on, I was also still young and he would have waited but I didn’t think that would ever change at the time and I started to think that there was more out there for me, he wanted to tie me down and I was still a fairly wild thing who had tried hard at settling for a gorgeous man and a beautiful home with a lovely family but wasn’t quite there with no sign of it being in the near future.

When it finally ended we were all devastated but it couldn’t continue any longer, we have been split up for 12 years now but they still send me a Christmas and Birthday card and keep in touch when anything major happens, they are totally wonderful people who gave me some idea of how a family could be, if I ever manage to have one myself!

My Mum and Step Dad eventually got married as they wanted to all have the same name, so I was the only one left with the name of the man that she had been married to for six months when I was eight, how bizarre is it that I am the only one that has been left with the aftermath of her mistakes?

My Mum had always had a very tumultuous relationship with my Nan and she’d made a big deal of having to do things even though they didn’t get along, she even said she hated being there when she was dying as she hadn’t treated her well and for a time I did that too, I went to visit at Christmas and Birthdays and made an effort to see her weekly, the girls are lovely and I love them but I was always treated very differently which although I’ve tried not to let it bother me I guess it always has.

My Step Dad became ill, he had a degenerative disease that over the years took away all of his functions, his movement, his speech, his ability to do anything for himself, being able to eat, communicate, in the end the only thing that seemed to work was his brain, for a man that had always been really able it must have been awful, he was given 5-8 years but the disease started to rob him of his functions quickly, that was the next form of bribery from my Mum, if I wanted to go away for Christmas she told me that it might be his last, so I did it, I ran every time, each time he was hospitalised I dropped everything to be there, I did love him, not as a Dad but as a person that had been part of my life for a long time. 

He loved my Mum, he must have to have put up with her shit for so long, she ruled him with a rod of iron, she made his Mum’s life difficult in her own home and was delighted when she finally got her moved into a home, she alienated his brothers family, the family that before he met her he spent so much time with.

Throughout his illness I struggled with seeing him, I couldn’t understand him and felt awful for that but I also hated how she treated him, I have no doubt that looking after someone with a condition like that isn’t easy but she would shout at him for always wanting to eat when but when he was able to it was one of the few pleasures he had left, she’d shout at him for not being able to understand him, it was totally embarrassing and I hated seeing him berated like it, especially in front of my sisters who were still young. 

He died five years ago, my sisters were 14 and 16, some of what I felt was relief, relief that he was finally out of the misery that trapped him and that his pain was over, I also felt sad that my sisters had lost their Dad so young.  She was an embarrassment at the funeral, not once were his brother and family mentioned that he had been so close to, I was disgusted with her, they were terribly upset and he had loved them, they should have been mentioned without doubt, I mentioned it to her at the funeral, she said she had ‘forgot’ to me it showed just how twisted she really was, from that day onwards his brother and family have had nothing to do with her and my sisters have lost another part of their family and their history.

That year I did the whole Christmas thing with them but I promised myself that it was the last year I’d be held to ransom, I went over, watched my sisters get ridiculously spoiled while I got a couple of presents that I didn’t want or need and left feeling like the unwanted child again, I have kept that promise and not been for Christmas since.

That year she offered me some money in order to move from my flat to somewhere with a garden, I’ve always wanted a garden but said it wasn’t necessary and when I had the money I would move,  however she had, had a couple of big pay outs due to my Step Dad’s illness, she took me to look at houses and two weeks later told me that she wasn’t going to do it, now although I’d love a garden, I’d never have looked at houses I couldn’t afford, it was just like that puppy when I was a kid, given with one hand taken with another, I think what was worse was that I’d not asked for it, it was totally her suggestion.

The Christmas after that she asked me what I wanted, I told her that I wanted a digital SLR camera and if she could give me some money towards it that would be great, she told me that she would buy it for me, I said there was no need but she insisted, a few days later she sent me a photo of a cheap bridge camera telling me that she was going to buy it for me, instead of giving in for probably the first time I stood my ground and said no, that wasn’t what I wanted and if she didn’t want to buy the one that I wanted some money towards it would be lovely, as we’d discussed, she told me she’d get it for me after Christmas, on Christmas Day I rang to say Merry Christmas as I did each year, she asked what I’d got and I said nothing, I was single at the time, she told me what she’d got and I asked about the girls, her words were ‘it’s easier to tell you what they didn’t get’ I was used to her behaviour by now but even with that in mind it was still hard to swallow and made me cry before I went out. 

My Mum quickly went back to her old ways one my Step Dad had died, I had heard from someone that the girls were being left alone for weekends while she went to meet men she’d met on Internet dating sites, now I’m the last person in the world to criticise internet dating that but I’m pretty sure that I’d not be leaving my kids that had not long lost their Dad to go and meet random men and definitely not in hotels, I checked in on the girls and told them that I was here if they needed me, what else could I do?

I had to play the adult in our relationship from pretty early on, I was used to it and I tried to talk to her about leaving my sisters alone, she wasn’t interested, she took the opportunity to tell me that I was a selfish bitch and was just like my Dad and that I was jealous of my sisters, while I was totally ok with being a bitch, I wasn’t ok with having a man that I’d never met thrown at me, I wasn’t the one that had chosen to have a relationship with someone she obviously hated and got pregnant by them, I don’t know if I am like him, how could I tell that about a man I’ve never met but I assume that as I have 50% of his genes I do share some of his traits, how could I not?

I don’t think I’m jealous of my sisters but I guess I am a bit jealous of how they are treated, I had a tough upbringing and they’ve been handed anything they wanted, I couldn’t go to University as I couldn’t afford to go and support myself, they have both gone, I had one holiday as a kid they have had several a year, I had a puppy, they had 6 (that’s not even a joke!)

Weirdly my father has three other children, all girls that went to the same school with my sisters, my Mum made a point of telling me that she sees him at school picking them up, I’m not even sure why you would share this information, I know nothing about the man, apart from his job and the area  where he lives, I have five half-sisters, three of them I wouldn’t know if they walked past me in the street, how strange is that?

I think those messages with her were exchanged in around 2014 and I just can’t get past her throwing that at me, I didn’t choose to be born, in the time that’s passed since we’ve spent about an hour together in I think summer of 2015, I agreed to meet her for lunch, which I did and I couldn’t get away quickly enough, to this day I’ve not had an apology for her behaviour, largely because she won’t think she’s done anything wrong and probably partly because she will have forgotten. 

She sends me messages on Facebook message every month or so, I won’t add her on there as I don’t want her to see what I’m doing, each time I see her name pop up my heart sinks, I’ve just got nothing for her, I would love to have a close relationship with my Mum like the ones that lots of my friends have with theirs but I don’t ever see that happening, she often asks when we can meet, I tell her I’m busy, what else can I say, should I tell her the truth? I guess at some point I’ll have to?

Life with her is a vicious circle, she’s nice for a little bit, then she’s nasty, then she’s nice, I just can’t keep putting myself through it, even for the woman that gave birth to me, in the interest of fairness when W@nk Bag and I split she was amazing and I hoped it would be the change for us what I didn’t realise was that we were getting on really well because I was so broken that I had no fight in me, she told me I was staying at hers for a few days and I wasn’t in a fit state to say no, I was happy for someone to control what I was doing but once the real me started to return so did the problems. 

This year she has done it again, I got a message a few months ago saying that she was moving, half way across the country, I knew there would be a man involved but said nothing as I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction, I spoke to my sisters who were devastated, both were in their first year of uni and the oldest of the two was struggling with being away from home so was coming home every weekend to see her friends and feel like home.

Neither of the girls wanted to be uprooted, their Dad had been born in the house, all of their friends were there, they confirmed there was a man involved, neither knew a lot about him, one had met him briefly once, the other hadn’t even met him, despite all of this she sold their childhood home and moved anyway, I shouldn’t have expected anymore but again tried to play the adult and attempted a conversation, it was just wasted on her, she didn’t care about uprooting my sisters, just being closer to this new man.

She’s been gone a few months now, I only know the County she lives in, it’s where the bloke she’s seeing lives, I guess at least I know she won’t marry this one, if she did she would lose her rather significant pension, I was hopeful that she would have learnt from her experience with me and tried to have a better relationship with my sisters, I honestly wish that she would have put them first and tried to have at least one out of three of the children in her life that she didn’t need to try and buy. 

On Christmas morning she sent me a ‘Merry Christmas’ message, I wrote back but as usual tried hard not to get into conversation, on Instagram last night my sister had posted a photo of her presents from my Mum under the tree, there were loads, including several designer label bags, it’s been around 5 years now since I’ve had a present off of her for my birthday or Christmas, am I selfish? Maybe I am?

Over the years there have been some awkward situations, like when I started this job, they needed to see my birth certificate, my birth certificate clearly states, ‘Father Unknown’ do you have any idea how it feels to hand that over to your new employer? I felt like it said, ‘my mother is a slapper’ he isn’t unknown and she could have done me the courtesy to have a name on there, even if it was the name of a man she hated, I also had to hand over a deed pole form, of when my name was changed to the name of the man she married. Each time someone asks where my unusual surname comes from I’m embarrassed, no, it’s not my Dad’s name, no, it’s not my Mum’s family name, it’s the name of some stranger I barely knew.

My mother has trotted me out for occasions over the years, when I was still blind enough to not realise, I was touted as the daughter that she raised alone, that has a good job and her own home, hadn’t she done well, doing all of that alone?

I have done ok for myself but I don’t want to be used as something to try to impress her friends, while I do have a good job and I do have my own (small) home (I’m always the first to admit that it’s owned majorly by the mortgage company though!) I don’t think she can take the credit for most of it, a lot of it has been a battle, something that my Mum will never understand is doing things alone, she’ll never know understand the pressure of a job or a mortgage because she’s never had either.

I don’t think that children should ever be kept from their parents or used as weapons between parent or that there is any excuse in the world for ‘I don’t see my children’ I can’t comprehend any excuse that would be enough, how could you walk away from a person that you are responsible for making?

I’ve been told many times, by many people that I’m nothing like my Mum and I hope on every level that is true, I think myself lucky that I have some great people in my life that have been the family that I choose, there is a lot more to family than blood.

Never tell someone you only get one Mum or Dad when you don’t understand the circumstances, we all know you only get one set of parents and for some of us that is a good thing because not all of them are amazing, families are complicated and not all people deserve to be parents and not all of us should keep taking shit from people just because they gave birth to us.