This isn’t
really dating related but I do wonder sometimes if it goes some way to explain
why I struggle to make attachments to people and take so long to decide if I
actually like someone or not?
I guess it’s
come to a head as this is the time of year that people should spend with their
family and when you tell people you aren’t they tell you that you only have one
Mum and that you should put your differences aside because they won’t be around
forever, so because someone gave birth to you they should be able to treat you
however they like and you should keep forgiving them each and every time? Is
that really the case?
I was raised in a single parent family, although we lived
with my Nan and some Uncles and Aunt’s until I was a teenager, I have never met
my father properly, they had split before I was born, apparently he saw me once
when I was about six month old and I continued to see his parents in my early
years until I decided at about 6 that I didn’t want to anymore (I’m not sure
that I could make informed decisions at that age if I’m honest but I assume
that it worked out better for my Mum that way)
The only man I’ve ever really had a father/daughter
relationship with was my Grandad, he and my Mum never got on as she found out
at 16 that he wasn’t her Dad, I still can’t understand how she could be angry
with him for something that was totally out of his control, if anything he was
the person that took on someone else’s child? I’ll never get that one as I
think he was a truly great man and has always been my real life hero.
I can’t remember my Mum being around much while I was a child,
I guess all being in the same house it was easy to leave me with my extended
family while she went out and my Nan had me a lot, she told me as a child that
she had wanted an abortion but my Nan wouldn’t let her, that is something that
your child should never know, not ever and it’s always stayed with me, maybe
it’s added to the reasons why I’ve felt like the unwanted child.
She also made it clear that she had wanted a boy, when I was
born she only had a boy’s name, as that was what she wanted so my Nan named me,
a year later my Nan had another son, he has the name my Mum had for me, as a
child she spent more time with him than she did with me.
Apparently from the time I was tiny I had wanted a dog, it
was I’m told not far off my first word and a word that I used frequently over
the years, ‘what would you like for Christmas?’ ‘A puppy’ when I was little we
got one, a Black Labrador that I called Tank, I totally adored him but it
wasn’t even a week before my puppy was sent back for going to toilet on the
floor (seriously what did they think that puppies did?) I remember being
devastated when he was taken away, it was an early lesson for me in promises
that she wouldn’t keep and that what she gave with one hand she took with
another.
When I was 8 a lot happened, my super special Grandad died, I
can still remember my Aunt (that he was living with by that time) walking into
my Nan’s, I didn’t need to hear the words I knew what had happened and was
devastated, apparently at the funeral they literally had to hold me back from
running into the grave with the coffin.
My Mum also got married that year to a man that she had met
via some kind of forces pen pals dating, he was in the RAF and I think they had
met one or two times before getting married, I can’t really remember a great
deal about it or him, I think I had maybe met him once before the wedding, at
this time she also decided to change my surname, I’d never had my father’s name
but I remember being at school and having to tell everyone that I wasn’t called
what I was before, I remember it all being quite confusing at the time, I now
had the same surname of a man I barely knew, the marriage lasted less than six
months, as a small mercy at least she didn’t decide to change my name back and
make me go through all of that again.
We also had
our first and only holiday that year, a week in Spain with my Great Aunt and
her son, it was great but we never went again.
There were various ‘friends’ I was introduced to and trotted out to meet over the years, I
don’t think that there was much time that she was on her own, I don’t think I
ever got to know anyone terribly well, there was a guy at one point but he was
literally just a friend, he was lovely and was brilliant with me, when they
fell out or she decided she didn’t want anything more than friendship I wasn’t
allowed to see him anymore, I remember being quite upset about that, I loved it
there and was really fond of him, I guess I learnt then that I shouldn’t get
too close to people as they could be gone as quickly as they arrived.
When I was 13 a boy I went to school had a dog that had, had
puppies, we had been friends for years and I badgered at home until they
finally gave in, provided that I looked after him, I met him at four weeks old and
it was love at first sight, I adored him and he seemed to feel the same about
me, he eventually came home a few weeks later and we did everything together.
It was at his dog training classes that my Mum met my Step
Dad, he had a Border Collie puppy of a similar age to my little scruffy friend
and like the other people at club all used to talk, it wasn’t long before they
became ‘friends’ and then more than that.
At about that time we moved out of my Nan’s into a lovely but
small 2 bedroom house, only a few miles away, however my Mum would be up at his
house most evenings and every weekend from Friday to Sunday, I was dragged up
there a lot in the evenings at first but left at home on my own mostly at
weekends, by then another dog had come along, so I was left alone to look after
him and my little one, I didn’t think much of it at the time but seriously who
leaves a 13 year old alone for days at a time?
I guess I went a little off the rails in my teenage years, I
was out clubbing from about 15, house parties at mine (well there was no one
there) I remember one week when she grounded me 7 times, then went out each
time and actually expected me to stay in, I didn’t of course and she soon gave
up on trying to discipline me as it was too much like hard work for her.
While I was a bit of a wild child I still understood
boundaries even then, I never did anything really stupid and hung around with a
good group of people, there was the odd party that ended with a very occasional
visit from the police about noise, a little bit of drugs and a LOT of alcohol.
I was lucky that I had good people around me to keep me on
the right track really I think, the person I’d met at dog training at 13 had
taken me under her wing and I spent a lot of time with her and her partner, I
showed their dogs for them all over the country and spent time with them
whenever I could, I also had my best friend/Mum hybrid, who is 10 years older
than me but has always been a great source of stability for me, her kids were
young when I first met them and I’ve been as much a staple in their lives as
their Mum has for me, she’s been the person I’ve always run to, even now.
I can’t really remember my Mum being a major part in my life
for very long periods, if there wasn’t a man involved she used to take me to
things so she wasn’t alone, so I guess
at those points we were closer but I soon got used to being pulled in and pushed
away when the next thing came along.
My Mum was strange as I was growing up, she messages me and
tells me she loves me now but I can’t remember hearing that as a child, she is
a self-confessed ‘not a cuddly’ person, I get that, totally but I also find a
person that doesn’t cuddle their child very strange.
W@nk Bag and his family were similar, they didn’t do
affection, he was described to me early on an ‘emotional retard’ but it took a
while before I realised the extent of it. I knew his sister long before him and
her daughter used to cling to me because her Mum didn’t do affection, what sort
of parent can’t cuddle their own child? I guess the little girl reminded me a
bit of myself as a child, absolutely craving affection, no child should ever
feel that and it makes me massively sad when I see a relationship like that,
incidentally her child is grown up now and barely sees her Mum at all as they
have such a strained relationship.
My Mum has a long history with trying to buy me off, however
one of her greatest efforts was when I was 17, I was taking driving lessons and
one day she was dropping me off at the Best Friend/Mum Hybrid’s house, which
was a couple of miles away, as we turned into the close she said ‘I’m pregnant
but I’ll buy you that car you want’ I had few words, apart from to tell her
that I was the one that was at the age where I should be doing stupid things
like that. I didn’t know they wanted children, he didn’t have any and she’d
never wanted me and had in my opinion done an awful job of bringing me up, it
had never been discussed in front of me, I guess she never had to tell me those
things?
I remember walking in and telling my Friend/Mum Hybrid, she
was as horrified as me at how I’d been told, she wanted a boy and was annoyed
again when she realised she was having another girl, my sister was born 8 days
before my 18th birthday and was joined by another one a year or so later, I
really hoped that she would change and to be fair it looked like maybe she had,
the girls had so much that I’d not had as a child, my Step Dad was fairly well
off and the girls had everything they could possibly want, including a lovely Dad but they also had a lot
of things that were totally unnecessary and I thought was her buying their
affection, just like she had with me.
My Step Dad and I got on quite well but I was 13 by the time
he arrived, I’d never had a Dad and didn’t want or need a pretend one but he
was a good man and a good person, if anything he was probably too good for her,
he paid all of her debt off and made sure she had everything she could ever
want and much more.
When my sisters were born I was told that should anything
happen to my Step Dad I would be their legal guardian, it was written into the
wills, if they died it would be up to me to look after them and their
inheritance until they were old enough to look after themselves, at that point
I learnt that I wasn’t included in that will in anything other than a share in
my Mum’s jewellery, apparently because the rest had come from my Step Dad it
would be split between the two of them, my Mum had always to the day he died
told me that he looked at me as his own, so if he did why was this the case,
how could you treat your children so differently?
When I was 23 she told me she was moving in with my Step Dad
(they weren’t married by that point) He had a three bedroom house but his Mum
lived there too, so with my Mum and two sisters moving in there would be no
room for me, I get that I was 23 and maybe I should have moved out earlier but
I also lived in one of the most expensive towns in the Country.
I had been with my boyfriend at the time for about 9 months
and was kind of pushed into us moving in together which we just weren’t ready
for, she wouldn’t even wait until we’d found a flat so I moved in with him and
his parents for a few months first.
His parents were the first sense of great parents I’d really
known, I’d first met them on a Sunday morning when I was leaving his soon after
we’d got together, they had five boys and I was treated immediately like the
daughter that they never had, they did lots together, dinners, parties and soon
became the people that I treated like the family I’d not really had, they were
close, affectionate and I’m pretty sure that they were totally unshakeable, one
of their son’s recently came out as transsexual and although I’m sure initially
they were shocked but they have totally supported him, just as I would have
expected him to.
In the five years that we were together they were my family,
I was often round there both with and without my boyfriend, we bought our house
together the following year and I’d go and discuss what I wanted to do, I’d
arrive home from work one day to find his Dad there doing it for us, I feel a
bit bad for saying this but they were one of the reasons that when things
started going wrong I stayed for so long, I knew that I would lose the family
that I loved so much too.
One of the
things that started the breakdown of our relationship was that he wanted
children, preferably yesterday, at that time though and largely due to the
relationship I had with my Mum I didn’t think I wanted children and it started
to put the strain on, I was also still young and he would have waited but I
didn’t think that would ever change at the time and I started to think that
there was more out there for me, he wanted to tie me down and I was still a
fairly wild thing who had tried hard at settling for a gorgeous man and a
beautiful home with a lovely family but wasn’t quite there with no sign of it
being in the near future.
When it finally ended we were all devastated but it couldn’t
continue any longer, we have been split up for 12 years now but they still send
me a Christmas and Birthday card and keep in touch when anything major happens,
they are totally wonderful people who gave me some idea of how a family could
be, if I ever manage to have one myself!
My Mum and Step Dad eventually got married as they wanted to
all have the same name, so I was the only one left with the name of the man
that she had been married to for six months when I was eight, how bizarre is it
that I am the only one that has been left with the aftermath of her mistakes?
My Mum had always had a very tumultuous relationship with my
Nan and she’d made a big deal of having to do things even though they didn’t
get along, she even said she hated being there when she was dying as she hadn’t
treated her well and for a time I did that too, I went to visit at Christmas
and Birthdays and made an effort to see her weekly, the girls are lovely and I
love them but I was always treated very differently which although I’ve tried
not to let it bother me I guess it always has.
My Step Dad
became ill, he had a degenerative disease that over the years took away all of
his functions, his movement, his speech, his ability to do anything for
himself, being able to eat, communicate, in the end the only thing that seemed
to work was his brain, for a man that had always been really able it must have
been awful, he was given 5-8 years but the disease started to rob him of his
functions quickly, that was the next form of bribery from my Mum, if I wanted
to go away for Christmas she told me that it might be his last, so I did it, I
ran every time, each time he was hospitalised I dropped everything to be there,
I did love him, not as a Dad but as a person that had been part of my life for
a long time.
He loved my Mum, he must have to have put up with her shit
for so long, she ruled him with a rod of iron, she made his Mum’s life
difficult in her own home and was delighted when she finally got her moved into
a home, she alienated his brothers family, the family that before he met her he
spent so much time with.
Throughout his illness I struggled with seeing him, I
couldn’t understand him and felt awful for that but I also hated how she
treated him, I have no doubt that looking after someone with a condition like
that isn’t easy but she would shout at him for always wanting to eat when but
when he was able to it was one of the few pleasures he had left, she’d shout at
him for not being able to understand him, it was totally embarrassing and I
hated seeing him berated like it, especially in front of my sisters who were
still young.
He died five years ago, my sisters were 14 and 16, some of
what I felt was relief, relief that he was finally out of the misery that
trapped him and that his pain was over, I also felt sad that my sisters had
lost their Dad so young. She was an
embarrassment at the funeral, not once were his brother and family mentioned that
he had been so close to, I was disgusted with her, they were terribly upset and
he had loved them, they should have been mentioned without doubt, I mentioned
it to her at the funeral, she said she had ‘forgot’ to me it showed just how
twisted she really was, from that day onwards his brother and family have had
nothing to do with her and my sisters have lost another part of their family
and their history.
That year I did the whole Christmas thing with them but I
promised myself that it was the last year I’d be held to ransom, I went over,
watched my sisters get ridiculously spoiled while I got a couple of presents
that I didn’t want or need and left feeling like the unwanted child again, I
have kept that promise and not been for Christmas since.
That year she offered me some money in order to move from my
flat to somewhere with a garden, I’ve always wanted a garden but said it wasn’t
necessary and when I had the money I would move, however she had, had a couple of big pay outs
due to my Step Dad’s illness, she took me to look at houses and two weeks later
told me that she wasn’t going to do it, now although I’d love a garden, I’d
never have looked at houses I couldn’t afford, it was just like that puppy when
I was a kid, given with one hand taken with another, I think what was worse was
that I’d not asked for it, it was totally her suggestion.
The Christmas after that she asked me what I wanted, I told
her that I wanted a digital SLR camera and if she could give me some money
towards it that would be great, she told me that she would buy it for me, I
said there was no need but she insisted, a few days later she sent me a photo of
a cheap bridge camera telling me that she was going to buy it for me, instead
of giving in for probably the first time I stood my ground and said no, that
wasn’t what I wanted and if she didn’t want to buy the one that I wanted some
money towards it would be lovely, as we’d discussed, she told me she’d get it
for me after Christmas, on Christmas Day I rang to say Merry Christmas as I did
each year, she asked what I’d got and I said nothing, I was single at the time,
she told me what she’d got and I asked about the girls, her words were ‘it’s
easier to tell you what they didn’t get’ I was used to her behaviour by now but
even with that in mind it was still hard to swallow and made me cry before I
went out.
My Mum quickly went back to her old ways one my Step Dad had
died, I had heard from someone that the girls were being left alone for
weekends while she went to meet men she’d met on Internet dating sites, now I’m
the last person in the world to criticise internet dating that but I’m pretty
sure that I’d not be leaving my kids that had not long lost their Dad to go and
meet random men and definitely not in hotels, I checked in on the girls and
told them that I was here if they needed me, what else could I do?
I had to play the adult in our relationship from pretty early
on, I was used to it and I tried to talk to her about leaving my sisters alone,
she wasn’t interested, she took the opportunity to tell me that I was a selfish
bitch and was just like my Dad and that I was jealous of my sisters, while I
was totally ok with being a bitch, I wasn’t ok with having a man that I’d never
met thrown at me, I wasn’t the one that had chosen to have a relationship with
someone she obviously hated and got pregnant by them, I don’t know if I am like
him, how could I tell that about a man I’ve never met but I assume that as I
have 50% of his genes I do share some of his traits, how could I not?
I don’t
think I’m jealous of my sisters but I guess I am a bit jealous of how they are
treated, I had a tough upbringing and they’ve been handed anything they wanted,
I couldn’t go to University as I couldn’t afford to go and support myself, they
have both gone, I had one holiday as a kid they have had several a year, I had
a puppy, they had 6 (that’s not even a joke!)
Weirdly my father has three other children, all girls that
went to the same school with my sisters, my Mum made a point of telling me that
she sees him at school picking them up, I’m not even sure why you would share
this information, I know nothing about the man, apart from his job and the
area where he lives, I have five half-sisters, three of them I wouldn’t
know if they walked past me in the street, how strange is that?
I think those messages with her were exchanged in around 2014
and I just can’t get past her throwing that at me, I didn’t choose to be born,
in the time that’s passed since we’ve spent about an hour together in I think
summer of 2015, I agreed to meet her for lunch, which I did and I couldn’t get
away quickly enough, to this day I’ve not had an apology for her behaviour,
largely because she won’t think she’s done anything wrong and probably partly
because she will have forgotten.
She sends me messages on Facebook message every month or so,
I won’t add her on there as I don’t want her to see what I’m doing, each time I
see her name pop up my heart sinks, I’ve just got nothing for her, I would love
to have a close relationship with my Mum like the ones that lots of my friends
have with theirs but I don’t ever see that happening, she often asks when we
can meet, I tell her I’m busy, what else can I say, should I tell her the truth?
I guess at some point I’ll have to?
Life with her is a vicious circle, she’s nice for a little
bit, then she’s nasty, then she’s nice, I just can’t keep putting myself
through it, even for the woman that gave birth to me, in the interest of
fairness when W@nk Bag and I split she was amazing and I hoped it would be the
change for us what I didn’t realise was that we were getting on really well
because I was so broken that I had no fight in me, she told me I was staying at
hers for a few days and I wasn’t in a fit state to say no, I was happy for
someone to control what I was doing but once the real me started to return so
did the problems.
This year she has done it again, I got a message a few months
ago saying that she was moving, half way across the country, I knew there would
be a man involved but said nothing as I didn’t want to give her the
satisfaction, I spoke to my sisters who were devastated, both were in their
first year of uni and the oldest of the two was struggling with being away from
home so was coming home every weekend to see her friends and feel like home.
Neither of the girls wanted to be uprooted, their Dad had
been born in the house, all of their friends were there, they confirmed there
was a man involved, neither knew a lot about him, one had met him briefly once,
the other hadn’t even met him, despite all of this she sold their childhood
home and moved anyway, I shouldn’t have expected anymore but again tried to
play the adult and attempted a conversation, it was just wasted on her, she
didn’t care about uprooting my sisters, just being closer to this new man.
She’s been gone a few months now, I only know the County she
lives in, it’s where the bloke she’s seeing lives, I guess at least I know she
won’t marry this one, if she did she would lose her rather significant pension,
I was hopeful that she would have learnt from her experience with me and tried
to have a better relationship with my sisters, I honestly wish that she would
have put them first and tried to have at least one out of three of the children
in her life that she didn’t need to try and buy.
On Christmas morning she sent me a ‘Merry Christmas’ message,
I wrote back but as usual tried hard not to get into conversation, on Instagram
last night my sister had posted a photo of her presents from my Mum under the
tree, there were loads, including several designer label bags, it’s been around
5 years now since I’ve had a present off of her for my birthday or Christmas,
am I selfish? Maybe I am?
Over the years there have been some awkward situations, like
when I started this job, they needed to see my birth certificate, my birth
certificate clearly states, ‘Father Unknown’ do you have any idea how it feels
to hand that over to your new employer? I felt like it said, ‘my mother is a
slapper’ he isn’t unknown and she could have done me the courtesy to have a
name on there, even if it was the name of a man she hated, I also had to hand
over a deed pole form, of when my name was changed to the name of the man she
married. Each time someone asks where my unusual surname comes from I’m
embarrassed, no, it’s not my Dad’s name, no, it’s not my Mum’s family name,
it’s the name of some stranger I barely knew.
My mother has
trotted me out for occasions over the years, when I was still blind enough to
not realise, I was touted as the daughter that she raised alone, that has a
good job and her own home, hadn’t she done well, doing all of that alone?
I have done
ok for myself but I don’t want to be used as something to try to impress her
friends, while I do have a good job and I do have my own (small) home (I’m
always the first to admit that it’s owned majorly by the mortgage company
though!) I don’t think she can take the credit for most of it, a lot of it has
been a battle, something that my Mum will never understand is doing things
alone, she’ll never know understand the pressure of a job or a mortgage because
she’s never had either.
I don’t think that children should ever be kept from their
parents or used as weapons between parent or that there is any excuse in the
world for ‘I don’t see my children’ I can’t comprehend any excuse that would be
enough, how could you walk away from a person that you are responsible for
making?
I’ve been told many times, by many people that I’m nothing
like my Mum and I hope on every level that is true, I think myself lucky that I
have some great people in my life that have been the family that I choose,
there is a lot more to family than blood.
Never tell
someone you only get one Mum or Dad when you don’t understand the
circumstances, we all know you only get one set of parents and for some of us
that is a good thing because not all of them are amazing, families are
complicated and not all people deserve to be parents and not all of us should
keep taking shit from people just because they gave birth to us.
